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Way, perhaps do a letter to each of the ‘old folks’, tell them a) D doesn’t want it b) how much it would cost. Ask them if they would like to contribute to the cost, say if enough people contribute it may be possible, but in any event D will only be there for a few minutes at the beginning. Better to give them some choice so THEY are the ones turning it down.
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Thanks for the suggestions Margaret .
It will be interesting to see how DH handles it .
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"It is what it is" can indeed be an expression of defeatism, but it can also be a statement of acceptance of things as they are in real life. I use it in the latter context and have for many years. I try not to use it if "what is" can be improved upon.
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Yes thank you Elizabeth. I can see where it can be used the wrong way.

If your house is dirty , get up and clean it , don't say "it is what it is"

I've heard people say "I'm over it" I never understood that. A friend of mine was sick of winter, she hates winter. She said , I'm over it, I'm like you might be but I don't think winter is over you.
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Not good. Just had a fight with my never satisfied mom. I would give her the world if I could, but it's impossible because her standards are unachievable. Some things require time, money we don't have or would mess up with our family routine/dynamics (that mind you, she doesn't approve of) and she isn't good at waiting or hearing no. I have tried to detach and not react to her every whim or outburst, but that is very exhausting to do. Dealing, after healing from my own traumas, with her own, that of course she doesn't recognize/accept, is agonizing, too. Her living with us due to medical issues (she almost died and currently can't live alone) after moving far from her to heal has been a whole 'experience'. I understand her reactions, her moods, the way she says things, where it all comes from. I understand her traumas and life experiences. She doesn't and doesn't care because if she does not accept them they aren't real, to her. But we have to live with it. I am more understanding and empathetic now, but it still hurts. And it's hard not to take it personally when she attacks my character to manipulate me into submission.
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Boricua, sorry your going through so much, many many of us have or are going through feelings, much much like yours, your not alone.

When you get time fill out the profile and ask or vent away. It's easier for us to understand what your going through if you fill it out.
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Boricua,

You never allow anyone to manipulate you into submission to anything for any reason.

How hard did your mother work herself to provide perfection for herself and her family?

I always say, you get what you give in this life. No one can expect from others what they never expected from themselves.


Maybe your mother would benefit from some tough love. It sure sounds like she would.

She doesn't like waiting and gets rude and nasty if her demands are not instantly met?

Too bad. Make her wait even longer and your good time doing something.

Her life traumas aren't your fault. You didn't cause her problems and you don't have to be her solution.

Give her and yourself a choice here.

Either she learns how to be respectful and grateful to you for everything you do for her, or she gets put away in a nursing home and you never look back.

Do not tolerate her verbal abuse and manipulation for one more day. Do not play her games anymore either. From what you say here, she will have to learn the hard way that verbal abuse and manipulation will not give her more control or get her more attention. It will get her ignored and neglected. A little ignoring and neglect will likely be just what she needs to learn this lesson.

Stop catering to her. She lives in your house and you take care of her. So it's going to be on YOUR terms, not hers.
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I am quite happy and content. Through counseling I have learned to not worry about my siblings opinion of the care I give my mom or his opinion of my feelings! ! I just push forward and have accepted that other people think they know how to do this better than I do…but they do not! I have forgiven my mom for anything I used think was unfair…right now I just make sure she is safe, well fed, has a good roof over her head and is pain free… she is pleasantly confused and well loved by me.
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Sadin, nice to hear a positive story.👏🙂
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wow, Sadinroanokeva - it sounds like you've made great strides - that's great! It looks like you can revise your profile name to Happyinroanokeva instead!
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having to remind myself a lot these days that " I did'nt cause this. I can't fix this. Hence, its not my fault, don't yell at me. "
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Sorry struggling,

I get it .
Based on the phone call we got today…. Apparently it’s our fault that my MIL has a blood clot in her leg and can’t fly .

Not to mention she also is in stage 4 CLL , she barely walks refuses to use a walker , and is wasting away , skinny .

We told her we are not rescuing her from any travels , especially without POA which she refuses to draw up .
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Sorry struggleson, I hear you there.

Oh no, way, I just looked up CLL, that's not good! And loosing weight too. Ugh. Lol you caused her blood clot, that's pretty funny and not funny at all , at the same time.
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I can now see why my in laws divorced 35 years ago . Because they were too much alike .

The word of the day is……
ENTITLED .

They both think/thought that if they say somethlng in a sweet but slightly forceful tone they will get their way . And if not , we are squashing their independence .

Newsflash …… I am not the “ independence fairy “.

I have a feeling I will be coming back to this thread to whine .
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Waytomisery, vent anytime!

I've made some huge revelation this weekend. My family and I, are so different. We are not politically the same, religiously the same, even morally different, when it comes accepting people different than them. Worshiping all the men in my family, and being a subservient is definitely not me, or who I'll ever be. But that's there world.

Mom enabled my dad to be a mean jerk, then she raised my brother to be his twin , even looks like my dad.

I left for ten years found who I am, without there influence, and I like me. Now I go back and I'm like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and I just don't fit.

No wonder I at times feel like the cheese fell of my cracker.

I gotta go to moms today, but instead I'm thinking saying, I gotta go down the rabbit hole today.
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Relieved when parents died. Thru dads ashes in garbage. Brother wanted my mother's. So fine. Never realized what they were til at 62 years old got stage 4 colon and liver cancer. He was already dead but mother reaction was all about her problems and who would take care of her. I did thru surgery and chemo for myself. She finally died at 90. Husband got Alzheimer's. Took care of him for 7 years. Put him in assisted living 3 months ago. Cancer back again. Can't wait to die.
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HI Lora - I'm really sorry to hear what you're going thru. I wish you continued full healing and strength - and for better and brighter days to come for YOU.
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@Lora626,

I’m so sorry . I wish you peace .
((((Hugs))))
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Well I was a caregiver until all my siblings found out and ran me off.. Now that Mom and Dad are gone all my siblings has nothing to do with me and the family home which was mine well my half sister Mom's oldest daughter and my oldest real brother added their names to the deed and had it recorded which now I have to take them to court and show the deed that they have is invalid due to having dad's signature and it required mom and me since I was added in 2017 and what they did was 2019. Very dysfunctional family. Hope that's not TMI. I have so much more I could say. Like no one told me if the will being read but the house wasn't in it anyway due to me owning but the house they stripped away inside and outside and they won't let me in the house. I would have to get the cops. I'm the youngest of 6. Which makes it hard for me to confront any plus I have social and mental problems now and I couldn't do it on my own. My family home was given to me in 89 by my parents it was to make sure their daughters had a home. My M&D had 2 girls and 2 boys and Mom had girl and boy before Dad. The girl is the one that has taken the house and she has not ever lived out been there. But lives there now. She's 69 and I'm 57 so you can tell by age I didn't grow up with her or half brother. They were grown and gone before me and before Dad built the house that they visited once a year of that. Anyways thank you from a dysfunctional one.
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A question for all of us in disfuctional families.

I have been doing so much mental health work, I feel so good and emotionally healthy and some healing. Cleaning up the fog.

My issue is how the heck do I spend any time with my mom, or anyone in the family actually, when I know they are just a bunch of sad narssasist.

I went to moms today, I had to leave early because If I didn't id say something hurtful, when she was talking about how people should trust family ( family is the last person I can trust)

Honestly I wanted to keep doing this, but I'm starting to wonder if it's possible for me to do.

Any thoughts?
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@Anxiety,

IF you choose to keep going over to Moms’s just try to treat her like a homecare client. Don’t talk about family .
I resorted to that , it helped sometimes .

Also you shouldn’t have to clean the house , tell your brother to hire a house cleaner to come once a week . Why should you do it ? your siblings aren’t cleaning .
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That's a good idea way! thanks, to start thinking of mom as a client and a job. Thanks 🥴 I don't know why I didn't think of that.

I'm actually cleaning a lot lot less. Letting things go and she is surface cleaning. And doing the things she can't , like the bed.

I went out today to bring her some tomatoes that someone gave me, and figured she could use some company. honestly with my mouth now, I don't think my company is very good for her. 🤗
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@anxiety ,

There are plenty of things in the news you could talk to Mom about or you could watch a movie together and just talk about the movie .

Stay clear of family conversations
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Lol, we where talking about JFKs death today, just contemplating it all , and the maybes?

Then I mentioned that his family shouldnt of been so involved in his business with him.

Mom disagreed, she said family is who should be there because that's who you trust.

Hahahaha , Trust my family, omg they are the last people on earth I trust .

I wasn't planning on staying anyways but I left sooner than I should have , before I said anything.

It's going to take some practice and a bit of time, but I've got to do like you said , take the emotional aspect out of it .
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Anxiety, it's funny how caregiving for a parent really shines a dark light on how
our family dynamics are. You really see your siblings etc. for who they are.

I doubt my family will ever come together as a unit ever. No doubt it will take one of us getting ill for us to try to bond again.

I find I need to emotionally isolate from my family in order to maintain my sense of self. I do love them and pray for them and if they ever needed me I would be there but I can't allow myself to be vulnerable around them.
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Gurshen, your so right, and I've had all these realization recently, so my mind is 🤯 . I should of giving it more time before I went, she really didn't need me today.

Hope things are going better with you I saw a post recently that sounded like you were having a hard time?
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Thx Anxiety.

Yeah, still watching, waiting and wondering how my kitty is
doing. He keeps fighting.

I'll keep fighting for him as long as necessary.
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"You really see your siblings etc. for who they are".

Hasn't visited.. doesn't call.. there was a txt or 2.. but any I send seem to get a reply that could be AI.

What do I *see*?
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Beatty, I'm not sure I'm understanding that post?
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Yes gurshen, now I remember, sorry so much going on , I new there was something sad in your life but couldn't remember what . Keep us posted on your beloved little friend. 😞
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