The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Actually I am with it but it came out wrong that I am not supportive. I definitely am supportive. Please just disregard that earlier statement. Best Wishes and Good night everyone.

Good Morning Everyone!
It's been a few weeks since I've been in touch but know that you're in my prayers daily. I am so grateful for this site.
May God continue to give us strength to face each day.

Good morning. I'm glad to see this thread continues to be alive and well with support and encouragement for each other. Prayers, hugs, and love for all as each faces their individual trials in this another week of living!

cmag this is a good thread it has helped me very much with dealing with Mom-now I can approch her as a stronger person and now know I was not just a bad child as she wanted me to believe and finally got my power back that I had given to her all those years ago-and the power she had to hurt me-I can ignor. A little late in life but still important nonethe less-I thank you for talking about this subject and educating others about this personality-she is not going to change at 93 but she will not hurt me any longer.

brandy - a move would likely help, and cuold be a new start for you, but I know it costs.You are supportive, just by coming here.
Margeaux - I agree that mum will likely regress with losing her sister, and you can't expect too much from her. Expecting warm fuzzies from a narcissist is a lost cause, but some of us realise that sooner than others. Your sister must get frustrated trying to maintain control - I am glad you are out of that, and in charge of your own happiness.
Hi sballen -glad to see you back and hope things are going reasonably well at home
cmag - hope you have a good week.
austin - glad you have gained some tools - we can grow emotionally at any age, thankfully - to quote you - "now know I was not just a bad child as she wanted me to believe and finally got my power back that I had given to her all those years ago-and the power she had to hurt me-I can ignor." Amen to that!

the trick is to not get sucked into the games they need to play... which always hurt us.

hugs to all

Another poem about "Letting Go". It is helping me face a situation I am facing today.

"Letting Go''

To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go'' is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go'' is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.
To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go'' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go'' is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "let go'' is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE. "

Here's to "Letting Go"!

Brandywine1949, Thank you for your response, this happens to me to.
I'll log on later, have to tend to my birdies right now. Margeaux

omg i still feel like heck and not any better...now i caught my daughter's cold and i am taking some dayquil atm to help break it down. Prayers are helping but no luck on my wallet...just sucks watch i be clear of this thing and boom ill know where it is right of the bat which is how stuff usually works lol hanging in there and 2 morrow hubby has an appt and i have reschedule my daughters pta conference....lol just way too stressed and been looking for hospice volunteer so i can take a mini vacation but no such luck and he has to be a certain age to qualify so that puts me out of the loop...oh yeah taxes ....gotta find the darn agi lol....my brain has decided not to much heavy thinking....lol who knows trying to interject some humor...

OMG.... nothing brings out dysfunctionality out in a family then stress of caregiving.... I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. One brother is a gambler by occupation... after he tried swindling a deal where my sibs would be giving him $300 a month each, he moved in with her and paid no rent.... but to top it off spent all his time at the casinos so that when it came to laundry, moving lawn, car maintenance, etc... plus spending each and every evening with her as she was trying to cope with the loss of my father. I eventually asked her to move in with me... as an aside ... my brother is not giving me $300 per month! Now we have been coping with the maintenance of her house as we are trying to sell it in a down economy.... I am knee deep into something i never wanted to be in... my brother is no where to be found and my other brother and sister are supportive but is it enough??? My Mom just chooses to be Polly anna about my gambler brother and doesnt see the flaws.... I get it, it's her son... she shouldnt have to but in the meantime the resentment is mine...

Burned: Age is not a requirement for Hospice. Have you discussed it with his doctor? The doc would need to make a referral to volunteer hospice. Hospice would then contact you. I hope you can make some head way as it would be a help to you. About the wallet, have you looked in your car. You've probably looked everywhere. Just a thought.

Sold the car ...no way there last seen here at the house so anyways didn't declare my wallet stolen just missing ...and I am hoping I didn't dump it lol...omg just all this shit i am dealing to get done by April to keep my husband under his current in home care paid and since they are paying me I do not think the agency will work on finding a hospice volunteer to help me out when i need it most like being sick once more and tired and worn out. I recognize stages of Burnout and I am there again already but no hope for the loving and true. On a side note looks like my friend gonna be here before April be nice to have a familiar face to talk too and really arrange some fun times when we both can afford it . I am praying her husband lands a job once he gets down here tho i hear its not improving everywhere else by much except for upper NW like Portland and Washington. His doctor won't discuss anything with me ...specially after she accuse me of poisioning my own husband so think about that now...still wrestling with her to take his case seriously and last time i switch his physicians she stepped in and booted the other doc ...so having a tough time with that one lol...keep me in ur prayers but so far good to be drama free except for what goes on in my house...

Burned: I'm trying to understand your situation. Are you saying that your husband's doctors will not discuss his medical issues with you? You have no family in Az., but your saying that your sister accused you of trying to poison your husband? If this is true, I'm assuming it was in your previous location, in another state, before you moved to Az? I know it sounds weird to ask this, but are you still legally married to your husband?

Hi Izzy: Just checking in. I was really sad to hear you say that you would have to take your mom with you to the Mayo Clinic. No offense, sweetheart, but that's just nuts. Isabella, you have a husband and your mom has an income. Between the two there should be some way of having care for your mom while you are gone. I'm sure no one will like it, but you have to start somewhere and this is the place. Your son will be going through a lot at the Mayo. He needs your undivided attention.

You know my husband is not a happy camper when he ends of being the one to takes my dad to the bathroom when he has a BM. Usually I do all the bathroom stuff, but sometimes it just can't be helped. But the good news is I love him for doing it and he knows that and he takes a certain pride in not leaving me with all the dirty work. Time for your hubby to step up to the plate.

Don't ask them, just tell them that you need to focus on your son and they need to make other arrangements. Your husband is a big boy and you can help with lining up a caregiver. Your mom won't like it, but she'll survive.

This is a critical time for your son. I've read up on his illness and I know the testing period will be intense for him. Let me repeat, this is a critical time. It's also the perfect time for you to say NO to your mom and husband and drive to the airport or hospital ALONE with your son.

How often do you have the chance to be there just for him. He needs you more than your mom does. Please try to do this. Please Izzy, you have to start somewhere. Do it now.

Love and Hugs, Cattails

Good Morning Everyone,

I'm still getting used to Daylight Savings Time. Last week my body clock was all out of sync, kind of felt like a slight jet lag. Anyway how are you all doing? I noticed on my wall that I received hugs, and I don't know where else to ask, so here goes. I'm trying to figure out where I'd respond to the hugs I noticed when I viewed my wall I've received. No hug goes unnoticed! I'm still learning how to navigate in this tech world, can anybody help me please? O.K. going for my second cup of Joe. Margeaux

To go to someones wall just click their name under their picture or no picture is located then when you get to their wall it shows how to give a hug and or a note then submit.

Yes i am still married to my husband btw it his doctor here in Az. Accused me of arsenic poisioning when its in the water and etc. I haven't heard no one from his family accuse me of doing that but then again I am the subject ridicule and supposed fantasy world that I live in which has no bearing on this concurring situation being there for my husband and children. I didnt mean to confuse you but also under attack from a sinus head cold and allergy so what may sound simple and straight forward may come out as gibberish. Right now trying to keep my head above it all and pray that one my wallet is found soon and 2 i get rid of this damned cold ...i truly got a frog going on and doing a disco in my throat and someone doing the bongo drums in my head with side can ya hear me drill pls noise lol...forgive me one of those days still...

195Austin, Thank you so much for explaining about the wall. I was rather confused. Hope you are well! Margeaux

Izsabella, I completely agree with Cattails. Why would you take your mom to the Mayo Clinic. Under the circumstances I'm sure this would totally distract your attentions from what's going on with your son. It's o.k. to say NO. I'm currently dealing with similar issues w/my sister who is the live-in caregiver of mom. My sister is wonderful, but just doesn't know when to stop. I'll talk about it in another post, but I've read about your situation and it sounds like you've spread yourself very thin. I think it's rather detrimental for a caregiver to think they can do everything, be everything for everyone. We just can't do that w/o some repercussions. Please take care of yourself, and yes nothing will happen to your mom if you are not the one w/her 24/7, especially under your current circumstance. Sending you love and light, wonderful woman. Margeaux

Emjo, Wow, what a poem about "Letting Go." You as well as others bring such great inspiration to this site. Thank you so much!

Well, I had a rather bad last few days. In our family we have two brothers aside from my sister and myself. Now our brothers were raised as the Golden Boys in our family. But throughout the care of mom and the sister who died, they do what my sister and me call, "doctor's visits." You all know what I mean, the 10 min. thing? Well anyway in a nutshell that's their input compared my sister and me is quite minimal. The older of the two bros, used to have POA. This got changed up few years back, because he was really just not meeting demands for two elderly women. Plus, he was mismanaging and quite honestly dipping his hand in the bank accounts. Of course there was fall out after this w/him and the other three siblings. Well, since recently mom's sis who'd been doing Hospice in mom's home, we siblings did recruit him back, as we knew it was the end of life for our aunt. I just found out he has a recurring Prostate issue. He's married w/four grown adult children. They're between ages 23-29. He and his wife have a pretty much non-existent marriage, although they all live in the same household. Talk about dysfunction. My brother has always done everything, he thinks in his power to keep all his kids still living there w/he & wife. Unfortunately, brother didn't raise them to be accomodating in the least. My sister and me suspect that this is probably some of the root cause of the marital problems between him and our sister-in-law. It's as if our brother has a fantasy that his kids are never going to leave the nest. The rest of we siblings realize how my brother has disabled his kids. They do work some, but this is only a recent thing. So yesterday my sister called him, just to check in via the Prostate issue. He'd just left the doc's office in which doc scheduled appt. on Mon. for biopsy. My sister said that he broke down sobbing to her. Of course he was upset about the biospy appt. Apparently no one accompanied him to this appt. So you see, this feeling my sister and me are getting, is that here my brother hasn't raised his kids to be good people. They are so selfish. Well, it gets better. So now my sister who has hands full w/mom, drove to his house last night w/a sore throat. She tells me she wanted to size up the situation and see what's going on over there. They live about 45 mins. from my sis's house. There's a part of me that yes, I felt very terrible at hearing my sisters story when my brother broke down, since we realize this situation hopefully will be positive. But as I've told her, there's always the other side. Sister is now behaving a bit as if and I guess this is where some of that poem applied, of jumping in and doing the fixing the situation. She's ready to go down there on the weekend and have a talk w/my nieces and nephews, and of course the wife.
Certainly in a scenario if they would not be concerned nor involved we'd be there. But yesterday's sorrow for me turned to anger. My brother and his wife have created all of this dysfunction. Now when they as a family need to pull it together, they are at a loss. Anyway, am I off the track here feeling this way?
I do love my brother, believe me. But I'm really at odds about again having to be the ones (we women) to do the rescue. My sister is the one that really goes into that mode. O.K., I hope this was not too long. Kind of going through some stuff right now! Have a great evening. Margeaux

not too long at all Margeaux - I do think you are right about your sis wanting to rescue and fix them - that is codependent - it disables them and doesn't allow them to receive consequences, and learn from life. I have some sympathy for your concern about your bro and his family. My (narcissistic) sister's family is a bit of a mess. Her daughter, and daughter's husband are alcoholic - she shares a house with them, and says they drink a little (as whole lot all the time), and she is estranged from her son who had a lovely accomplished wife and a beautiful 5 yr old son. Long story short she has disinherited her son, and has little to do with them. I considered the situation, and have reached out to my niece and nephew. With the niece, she and I openly discussed addictions, and I said I would support her in any way I could. With the son, and his wife I am developing a long distance relationship, letting them know I am appalled at my sis's behaviour towards them, I am remembering their son's birthday etc. It is all I can do - basically be supportive. When I was teaching at the college, I saw a family with 4 young adult sons living at home - sounds similar to your brother's household. One of them was on some of my classes, and all I could do was encourage him towards the independence he said he wanted. It is dreadful how young people can be handicapped by not being encouraged and supported towards independence.

Truely Margeaux, no one can rescue anyone else. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. You can support your bro to a healthier lifestyle, if he wants one, or through whatever he is going through healthwise, you can be available to be supportive to his kids too, but they have to take the steps. It is not healthy to get so involved that it is a detriment to your own life. I agree entirely that they created their own dysfunction, and only they can work their way out of it. And don't let them take up too much space in your head either - basically that means don't worry about them. To be concerned is normal, to spend a lot of time worrying is not good for you.

As far as your sis is concerned, I don't know how she plans on "fixing" a family - driving out there when she herself has a sore throat wasn't the best thing she could do for herself. Sounds like she has enough on her plate right now with your mum, and anyway, no one can "fix" anyone else.

Take care. I think you are on the right track. Your bro is a grown man - time to put his big boy boxers on and deal with his life.

izzy - I am with the others - your son needs 100% of your attention at the mayo. Mum will pitch a fit of some kind but so...? It is her choice to deal with it gracefully or not, and your choice to go along with her or not.

burned - hope your head is better

cattails - how are things at home with you?

cmag - hope things are resaonable and your roof isn't leaking

jessie -thinking of you and your mum - let us knnow how you are when you can

sharynmarie, ucant, banshee, austin, brandy - thinking of all of you -let us know how it is going

(((((hugs))))
jo

Emjo, I remember few pages ago reading that you'd been in contact with your nephew. It sure is strange when oddly enough some family members oust good people. This was an interesting point also, what you've shared about your niece and the addiction. In my brother's family also, he and the wife in the background have always indulged in their share of alcohol. Fortunately, they have both held it together on the work front. But I guess these two escaped somewhat. Instead of working as a team with respect to raising their kids, and the marriage,they always were on opposite ends. Neither of them instilled any manners, responsibilities. Two of their kids have a new baby each, a seven year old. Neither of them are married to the other parent, so guess where these grandchildren spend lots of time? At my brothers. It's so the complete opposite family education that my dad taught us in our household, because he was rather strict with us. Mom, was not the person who was at all in charge of discipline, so I can't say I credit her w/this part of our social education in the home.
My brother has made complete mush out of those kids of his. Even throughout the years, my other siblings and me have realized how socially undeveloped they are.
Well, thank you very much for your input. On a very personal level for me, I being the eldest of the four siblings, and because I had to be so in charge since I was so young, I decided years ago that I'd be minimally involved once each of us went our separate ways with our lives. Well, I can tell when even now for what's going on, if I try to say something to my sister about being mindful not to become overly involved, etc. that I sense it hits a nerve w/her, since she has a 22 yr. old daughter still living w/her who I wrote about previously, who acts like a diva. Yes, and my sister is already showing, and telling me what she plans on doing now that my brother is in the circumstance he's in. At another level, I don't think that's any of her business. I love my sister, however I don't like this taking over, and as you've said not allowing things to just be, or the people who need to take responsibility for their own problems.

Once again, thanks, your very insightful emjo! Hugs, Margeaux

Burned, I am confused as to how you are able to get paid to care for your husband. Who is paying you, the state or a healthcare agency? I hope I do not offend you with this next question, are you legally married? And one more, why continue to see a doctor who has accused you of trying to poison your husband? You don't have to answer any of these if you find it to personal, I understand♥

March 21st., I am spending the day with my sister at the hospital for an out-patient surgery. My sister has no children in our state and I am taking her in to have stints put in her left leg. It will be a long day as she has to lay flat for several hours after the procedure to make sure the artery is sealed before releasing her. You see, my sister was an alcoholic for many years so she would not get blood work done for fear of the doctors finding out she was alcoholic. She quit drinking 4 years ago because she knew something was wrong. With 6 months of sobriety under her belt, her health became worse. She was diagnosed with stage 4 diabetes. Doctors figure she was diabetic for at least 10 years before diagnosis. She suffers from low blood pressure (causes light headedness, muscle weakness and fatigue), and severe neuropathy from nerve damage as a result of high blood sugar all those years she was drinking. She still works full time in an office which works for her because she sits most of the day. However she can not be too physically active because it causes her blood pressure to drop. The legacy of dysfunction takes it toll!! Please take care of yourselves, our health is not something that we can take for granted, (((hugs and love to everyone)))!!

I dont know if everyone feels this way, but--- There is something so comforting about turning on your comp. and you see messages sent and they are words of comfort..concern.. and also some wonderful advice.. I find it so ironic how we can get comfort from people we have never met and yet people we have known our entire life and some most of our lives are no where to be found during a time when emotionally we need them more then ever.. That is why when I say "thank-you" when someone reaches out to me, I truly mean it..

Later I will post more.. for now Im a little to drained to even put my thoughts together to write.. but I had to say those words.. I wish everyone a beautiful day

Izzy, I have many relatives with no blood connections. Even on facebook, one gal asked if she could be lisited as my sister, and I said yes. In fact I have ignored a friend request from my own sister as her words, and actions are not loving, but cutting down and hurtful. I can't and won't play the game any more. Some of us have chosen to build up our "families" with people who truely care about us. I have no blood brothers , but several good male friends. Over the years, I known several wonderful, caring, women I looked to as models for a mother, and with whom I had good relationships. My father, though he had his faults as we all do, was loving, so I did not need a substitute for him. I have a number of terrific, caring girl friends who are there for me. They are my "sisters". One I have known for over 40 years, I have a few "extra" children whose families have let them down. It is all part of looking after me. My blood family is who they are, but I can create loving relationships with many others, who build me up and are there for me in the hard times. It is one of the ways I survive, and even thrive.
Love to you today, Izzy. ♥♥♥
Remember what others think of you is none of your business, so make some good choices for you!
((((((hugs)))))
jo

Margeaux -quote "if I try to say something to my sister about being mindful not to become overly involved, etc. that I sense it hits a nerve w/her, since she has a 22 yr. old daughter still living w/her who I wrote about previously, who acts like a diva. Yes, and my sister is already showing, and telling me what she plans on doing now that my brother is in the circumstance he's in. At another level, I don't think that's any of her business. I love my sister, however I don't like this taking over, and as you've said not allowing things to just be, or the people who need to take responsibility for their own problems"

Amen to that Margeaux - and like she cannot "fix" your bro, you cannot "fix' her. I think you already know that. You made some very good decisions to detach years ago - good for you

sharynmarie - yes, there is a legacy to dysfunction and it is not a nice one. I am sorry your sis is in such a state from mot looking after herself. Our health is definitely not something we can take for granted - we have to take care of ourselves, or we suffer the consequences.
re caregiving there is evidence that caregiving takes a big toll on the caregiver's health. It hardly makes sense that while caregiving a senior who is easing out of this life, that we ease ourselves out 20 or 30 years prematurely. God gave us each a life to life, and purpose to that life. I don't think it is to cater to a narcissistic, unhealthy family member who shows us no respect, and creates stress, strife and tension in our homes - my view anyway. If I was catering to my mum the way she wants me to, I would be involved with her hours a day (even at a distance) and being "jerked" around emotionally. That is not God;s plan for anyone's life -I am convinced of that. No one other human being should be the center of our life.

snow again here - by spring cannot be far away. Hope everyone has a good day.
Love, hugs and prayers
jo

* life to live,

Lol i am getting paid via thru healthcare agency here in Az and yes were legally married be 11 yrs come this august. Doctor thing is that they think i can't handle or it wont let until more tests are done. I usually get the byline and that is it. Apparently my track record for blowing up at doctors has followed me here so i do not know if i put them on eggs shells or not..nor do i care anymore.

Only way i can switch doctors if I take him to another clinic in a different town and repeat the BS instead I refuted any wrong doing and ask her myself where can I buy this stuff i am supposedly harming my husband and if u suspect why haven't you had the local sheriff investigate the house for this black market drug. She sat there stunned and said nothing so i knew she was trying to get me to admit to something in my lifetime ill never to do my husband or children...but i haven't heard any new accusations so i assume the path is clear.

Thank you emjo. I just got home it is 9:26pm. I have been at the hospital with my sister since 9:15am. The dr. punctured the right groin artery and placed a stint there another on the left groin artery and a third down her right leg. She has a good strong pulse in both ankles now. This will reduce pain in her legs as well as increase circulation in her legs which is vital for diabetics. So glad it is over as it has been a long day. I am going to get something to eat and go to bed. Thank you for your support♥!!

Burned, thank you for answering my questions. I wish so much I could advise you. I am glad that the issue of poisoning has past with the dr. You might try a different approach with the dr. since they really are your alley. I know it is frustrating when you feel you are being put off by the dr. but try a calmer approach. Lots of love and hugs to you as you journey through this and know we are here to support you♥!!

Burned: I agree with sharynmaire. She's asking you to take a calmer approach. You can't treat the doctors like you treat your sisters. Making your way in life is not about telling everyone off. You need allies and support. Sometimes it may be that you misinterpret what the doctor is saying. That could happen because you have felt so abused by family members and you are very defensive. Listen to what they are saying before you react. A therapist once told me that others may not take things the same way I do. I was defensive and so I took things to heart and thought they were criticizing me. I was in my 20's then, but it was a big wake up call to me and also a relief. You have come from a really bad place and you have more than most do on their plate. Nevertheless, you have some growing up to do. You need to learn to manage your mouth and what you say to those who are not family. Unfortunately for you, it comes at a time when you have an overwhelming burden. If you can learn to do better, under the circumstances you live with, you will be able to accomplish anything in the future. My love goes out to you. I know you hate to hear my opinion, but I told you I would give you my truthful opinion. It doesn't mean I don't care. On the contrary, I care very much. Please try to do better. You need support. Don't push it away.