The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Willow, your situation is difficult. I agree with the suggestions already given. Going to church and getting established in a church family will be a step in the right direction. You need to expand your world because the more people you have contact with the better you will feel about yourself. Coming to this site also helps as you have found out. Can you get medical thru the state? What income to you have? I ask because in California, people can get reduced housing rent thru a program called HUD. I work with a woman who gets this. It applies to apartments as well. The woman I work with has 2 kids at home and she only get 24 hours a week like I do and she is able to rent a 3bd home. You may only need an apartment for yourself. I encourage you to look into it. You deserve better♥!!

Willow: You are on SSDI, so if you take a job will your SSDI be revoked? Can you make a certain amount without losing your SSDI. How much of an income do you have? Sweetheart, you have to do something. You are living in a house of cards. There has to be a way for you, your dog and cat to have some peace and safety. Can you answer the questions and let us see if we can find a way to help you. Love, Cattails.

I would be much more cooperative with my sister towards my mother if sister would include me in her holidays. I don't want money, I want someone to have the holidays with. This is the way it is, I invite mom to go to the restaurant with me or to a brunch or to my house for a brunch. Mom says she will, then literally 5 min before we are to go, mom calls me and says she is going with my sister. Sister will absolutely not invite me to her parties or to the restaurant with her. I could go and be at the same rest. and see her and she wouldn't even invite me over to her table or even wave across the room. She has had mom every holiday for the last 5 years and husband and I have been alone all those holidays. Our kids live far away and friends have other places to go. But then when sister wants something, I am to jump and ask how high. Then if I won't do what she wants, she says I am uncooperative, probably posts it on here.

Brandywine: I checked your profile, but it says nothing about your circumstances. I'm just wondering. Is it possible for you to write your sister a letter and tell her how you feel. If you told her how much it would mean to you to be included in her life and the holidays, do you think she might understand it better? I have no idea what the problems are, but your last comment was so heartfelt. It would be impossible for me to not be touched if my sister expressed that to me. Even if she does not respond the way you want, at least you would know that you spelled it out in a kind fashion and let her know how much you miss being included.

Just a thought. Love, Cattails.

Cat, thank you for your kind words. I have written to her and she wrote back and said "its always about you isn't it." She thinks she has all the answers.

Brandywine: I'm sorry there's so much difficulty between you and your sister. Do you all live in the same town? What's wrong with your mom and does she live with your sister? Hugs to you, Cattails

Hi Willow, yes you are really in a spot right now. Izzabella is right, you have come to a great place for support from all of us. This thread has helped me very much.
I don't know what being in the situation like yourself must be like. But Izzabella also has given you great advice about the doctor's. When we had a very difficult elderly aunt who was verbally and emotionally abusive to many in charge of her, I used to advise my sister to be more in touch w/her doctor's, and unfortunately my sister became too sucked into the emotional side of it and didn't use these kinds of tools. Things became unbearable up until the time of her death very recently. But possibly if you do this, you could also be hooked up with Department of Social Services, and maybe they could help you also. Try to do some searches also, with info about seniors and aging in your area. At least if you begin to find services that could assist you, you never know, you could find help. The important thing is also, is not to think of this as a situation of that you needed a place to stay. No matter what, these two elders sound as if they really need you. But even in this scenario, please seek some help also for yourself. I too understand about your dogs. I have two doves. Our pets are our little spiritual partners to us, and no less in times like these. It's good that you have them.
O.K., well I send you lots of love & light, and a great big hug! Margeaux

Yes we all live in the same town. Mom has vas dementia. She lives in her own home, at least for now.

Hi Everyone! Sorry I've not been online and in touch too much lately. I want to make more of an effort to come here to AGC.com, especially to talk to others who come from and are dealing with very dysfunctional families. As for getting Assistance, I honestly have tried Everything! The Dept. of Public Assistance absolutely refuses to help me in any way at all now that I have SSDI. I don't make near enough money to get a place of my own. I also can't get a job, even a part time job on the side b/c 1. I would lose my Disability, and 2. I have SO MUCH physical pain 24/7/365 for the past 12 years, that I'm hardly able to get out of bed, take a shower, etc... Still, I'm expected to do the laundry, which seems never ending, and take care of SO much other stuff around the house, in addition to the INTENSE Stress and anxiety of trying to remain kind in the presence of my mom and s-dad. My s-dad used to at least take the dog out to do his 'business' if I was sleeping, but now just ignores the dog. My s-dad spends most of the entire day on the couch, basically ignoring everyone. My mom sits at the kitchen table ALL day, EVERY day, chain smoking and drinking Diet Coke. That's her entire life! She complains about not having enough money to pay bills and worries about everything and anything. I think she's just addicted to worrying! She won't take care of her health, physically or emotionally. I had Meals on Wheel's for them, but my mom cancelled them b/c "they didn't like the food"! At least it was some sort of help for them! I'm in a severe depression, to the point where I pray to die. I'm not suicidal, but if it weren't for my strong faith, I would be afraid I'd try to end this suffering! I'm having daily, frequent panic attacks and other than doing what I absolutely must to do for them, I stay in my room and hide. I get very anxious when I know I have to go out to be with my mom and/or s-dad b/c Everytime I go out into the house, there's something for me to do. My s-dad doesn't say much at all to me, which is just fine. My mom knows I have severe pain b/c she see's me crying, bent over, sweating and sick to my stomach with pain. Still, I'm expected to do all that I can, and all that I can't, to keep them in their home. If I could get a PT job to gain some extra income to put away for a place of my own, I would, but the pain I have is crippling and disabling. I don't eat b/c I have trouble being in the kitchen with them b/c if I go out of my room, I'm going to be asked to do something, and I just have too much anxiety to be in the kitchen b/c of the dysfunction, tension, etc... I've been mostly living on crackers that I can eat in my room. I have too much pain to stand at the stove to make even something simple, and the depression and anxiety takes over and I can't eat anyway. I stay in my room as much as possible and try to sleep my life away. It's the only escape I have. If my mom would fall and break a hip, she would have to go into a NH! I've already told her that if she can't walk, I cannot lift her or take care of her. Still, she doesn't want to try and even walk around the house to get stronger and won't doctor for her increasing weakness and the severe pain she's in b/c of Osteoporosis, in which I'm certain that she has spinal fractures b/c of that. She has a defibrillator implant, and does get PVC's and says her heartbeat is 'irregular' at times. She's consumed with her bowels, and then she'll take so many laxatives that she gets diarrhea, and then her potassium gets so low that her heart goes out of rhythm. She says that her Vertigo is so bad and that's why she won't try to walk. I've tried everything to encourage her to get help, but what I say just angers her. My s-dad goes to bed at 10pm everynight and my mom expects me to sit with her from 10-11pm, everynight. I get tired and just want to sleep, but the guilt overwhelms me. Then I start to think about all of the "what if's"... What if something would happen to her tonight, and I had refused to sit with her the night before? I know I'd feel so bad. Yet my mom hardly says a word to me anyway. I need to sit in my designated chair and it hurts my back SO bad. My pain doesn't seem to matter. I'd love to be able to come here to AGC.com a lot more often, but the pain prevents me from getting on the computer as much as I'd like to. In all honesty, you guys/gals are all I have and the only ppl who understand what this caregiving s**t is like. I feel like a prisoner or a hostage. I have NO life of my own. I do love my mom. I just don't want to be the caretaker anymore!!! At this point, I don't even feel guilty saying that. I'm worn out physically and emotionally, and feel extremely defeated and trapped. I know anyone here can understand that. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your posts, words of understanding and encouragement and friendship! If I don't answer a post right away, it's not that I'm not reading what all of you have written. I use my cell phone to get on this site to read the posts, but am not able to answer with my cell phone. With the cellphone, I can get online while laying down on my heating pad or some ice. I pray for help. I need all of you and thank all of you SO SO much!!!!!
Much love!
Kathy

Hi, the latest dysfunctional family dynamic is coming from my step-dad who is 86, in poor health with an unclear mind and a helper who spends the night in order to keep an eye on him, plus takes him to see my mother at the rest home in the morning. They just don't understand how poor her health is. He thinks if she just comes home, her head will clear up. He and his helper are now playing the end around game of trying to turn my mother against me by telling her that I am the one keeping her from going home and not the doctor which is what has been said to her earlier by the nursing home staff. I've talked with her on the phone that her getting out is up to the doctor, not me, but how long that will stay in her mind who knows. Even if I could legally over ride the doctor's opinion with my POAs, the idea of her going home in the shape she is in is not feasible, practical nor reasonable! My wife is more wound up about this than I am for she keeps wanting to talk about it and what kind of strategies we could take which she says the same thing, the same way, every day for the last several days. I've told her what the nursing home staff has said to my mother with my step-dad right there and I am going to stand by that instead of getting triangulated into the middle of this mess. All I really need to do is practice the broken record approach of saying the same thing over and over again without becoming reactionary or letting them see me swet.

Cmagnum, Oh boy! Isn't it just wonderful when there's an over zealous caregiver in the mix like this one who spends the night with your dad? We had one who was sent by Hospice, (the bather) for my narcissistic aunt. She came about twice. The first time she did her duty, but also got swept up into our aunt's need to bad mouth my sister, and the other caregivers to her. This person went so far as to call the head of the Hospice, to snitch about what my aunt was telling her. Truth was as always, my aunt was plain out lying to her. Nothing worse than having these kinds of people working w/our elders. Well, all I can say is stand your ground. Sounds as if your wife is getting kind of nervous about it, but still stand your ground. You know what's up w/the whole thing Cmagnum. I've had to resort to a broken record approach in my situation w/my sister. Sometimes it's not easy, especially when someone wants to keep talking about it also. Stay strong.
Margeaux

Well, I'd posted about a week and half ago, that my sister, had become also all swept up into our brothers Prostate issue. It's a recurring situation for him. He lives w/his wife, who just seems to live there, doesn't relate to him much. Then there are there four grown kids, also still living w/their parents. When my sister got this news, she took it upon herself to get completely involved, via appts., w/my brother.
She said she was doing this, because of the near to non-existent relationship she and my brother have between the two of them. We are very thankful that his biopsy came back negative. But today he had a procedure to open the blocked area. Throughout all of this, my sister tried to push some guilt buttons w/me. I've called my brother and given moral support. But I don't feel I need to get involved as my sister has chosen to do. I couldn't believe it, sister went so far as to call up one of my brother's doctors and pose as his wife to get some info. from the doctor. Anyway, Cmagnum, if you read this...so this has where I've become the broken record w/my sister and just telling her what I'm able to do in this circumstance. But I'm staying real strong on this one! Margeaux

Hi Willow, How are you? We totally understand, if you can't get to your computer on account of pain you are in. I too have been having some back and shoulder pain myself. You know, I've learned that it's very important to stay hydrated. But also, try having a couple tablespoon fulls of olive oil. This is great to oil & lubricate the body. Another easy thing I use to get the circulation going, is boil some hot water, and add a pinch of cayenne w/some lemon, this you can flavor w/honey. This w/increase the circulation throughout your body too. I use this method for any kind of arthritic issues. If I think of any other quick and real easy things that could possibly help you out w/your pain, I'll send it along. Lots of love, & I visualize warmth all over you! Margeaux

well family drama is non existent on both sides lol and can ya believe it I miss my domineering sister with her big mouth and I can't begin to tell ya what its like to almost deal with my husband's family...yet they still expect me to pick up the phone but overall they do not care still since they disowned him long while back. still tick at how the kids are treating their own mother...what form of narcissim runs there...but if they do not want my help or advice gladly give them the heave ho and let them battle it out with my husband's sister. The woman needs help but the level of misunderstanding and pure bollocks is crazy. today tho ended on a good note with the cardio so i am gonna let that be my good news ...especially with my bff coming to live this way in the middle of nowhere. I am so excited yet worried new batch of problems may crop up because of her bipolar/add/adhd/epilepsy so pls keep ur fingers crossed and pray on that because she is a wonderful woman tho sometimes she can't focus all but she does her best...yet I feel that i am her keystone and her husband is her heart and life...enough rambling hope everyone gets to enjoy something of a nice wknd here soon...

Margeaux, thanks for your response. Yes, the old broken record response. Even it gets a bit worn out and stressful to do. I'm glad you are staying strong. My wife is very worried over what my step-dad might try like convincing my mother to have me removed has her POA. Even if he tries this, it has little chance of working because I have two notarized letters from her neurologist and another doctor that she is incompetent to deal with her own business in a business like manner due to her dementia and alzheimers. Even if I do have the authority to over ride the doctor, I am not going to do that. I have a list of reasons why, but I don't think my step-dad or his helper is going to listen to reason. Does anyone know if either medical or durable POA trump a nursing home doctor's opinion about a resident being released.

Cmagnum: Are you concerned that a nursing home doctor would consider releasing your mom to go home? Maybe you are a bit anxious too. Maybe you should have a talk with the nursing home doc. It sounds like you are taking your boundaries a little too far. I am thinking that you believe that your mom is not capable of living outside of a nursing home due to the extensive care she needs. Now you have an 86 year old step dad that misses her and has a care giver that relates to his grief.

I think that, as a well grounded person, you should talk to the nursing home doc, remind him/her of the documents and trust that has been given to you and at least suggest that a move would not be in your mom's best interest.

If the doc decides otherwise, then I understand your position that you will not over rule it and will let the chips fall where they may. Eventually, however, you will need to do everything over again, put your mom back in the nursing home and possibly your step dad too, but it is your choice, do it now or do it later, or don't do it at all.

Do you think that your step dad's care giver honestly feels that your step dad is correct or possibly she just wants more hours and income which will result from her having both of them at home?

I am not talking about you having a discussion with your mom or her husband. I am just suggesting that you bring your intelligence to the attention of the nursing home doc. That's all you can do.

cattails, the last family care meeting we had was with my step-dad, his helper, my mother, the social worker, a person from PT, me, etc. The social worker outlined what my mother would need to be capable of doing and the need for doing a safety inspection at home before the doctor would give her a safe discharge.

My mother has not worked with PT since she got there for she is just like her mother after she broke her hip. My step-dad and his helper already tried to take care of her when she was recovering from a stroke and through working with rehab that time got back to walking. However, after 8 days she was dehydrated, undernourished and her blood pressure was so low that she could hardly walk. In my opinion, they failed.

My step-dad's helper has already tried to get a $40,000 loan from my mother which I put a stop to, but my step-dad could care less about my mother giving away that much money. So, I think the caregiver has her eyes on $. She's already basically moved in our house which my step-brother gave her permission to do. He's in a wheelchair and not of sound mind himself, but for his alcohol should be in a nursing home himself. Also, my step-dad's thinking is so unclear that he offered one caretaker some money to help him defend himself against their lawsuit for forging checks in their name by which he stole $14,000+. Neither my step-dad nor mom believe in hiring certified people and the riders that my mother bought with her long term health care cover home health care and home builder, but no when she needed them she had hidden them and when they were found claimed they only were good if she was totally out of it. It is sad how sound our minds can be when making plans and then how warpped and obstinate they can be when in need of the care the planned for themselves to get and had paid good money for over the years.

The caretaker does not like nursing homes at all. After she gets up in the am and gets my step-dad up and going as well as drives him to see my mother and takes him back to the house, she then goes and does what she needs to do before going to sit with another elderly person until about 11pm.

My mother can neither stand up nor walk and has not worked with PT to get there now for 3 years. Her memory is horrible. She often does not know where she is and even when you mention what season of the year it is, she will often go into a conversation as if she is in another season of the year totally. She can't go to the bathroom by herself nor bathe herself. If it were not for the nurses, she would not take her meds or not take them on time. I've noticed that often she can barely feed herself.

My step-dad thinks all of this decline is because she is in the nursing home and that her head would clear up and she would walk once again if she just came home, but I'm the mean person. They call me on the phone saying she asks to go home when they leave, but can't satisfy her and so will I talk with her. Then when I do talk with her I find out that they told her that I have the authority to get her out of there and so the first thing she says is when are you coming to get me. Now they set up the expectation in her head that I was getting her out of there and then I had to explain that no it is up to the doctor who I plan to see Friday after lunch for that is when he makes his weekly rounds there.

Plus, let me add that my mom and step-dad have not been that close over the years. She never accepted his children. When I graduated from college, she left for the beach house and hardly ever went home until her first seizier sent her back home for good. My step-dad drank more when she was gone and someone asked her then why doesn't she stay home and did she love him? Never heard the answer. I do know that they had quite interesting arguments in front of my wife and I, even when we had the children with us. BTW, my step-dad has not paid a dime for her care that she's been in need of from 2009 on. He knows she has a lot of money in the bank and that is what is paying for the costs that the long term insurance does not cover. He hates the insurance too and feels like it is holding her like a prisoner in the nursing home. Yes, I'm anxious and my wife getting all drama about it over and over and over again for days has not helped. I don't need her cranking my anxiety up with her drama. I need her support. I've even said that I've heard enough of this and your going over and over this and all the possible things that could happen for days now does not help and I will know something definitely on Friday. But no, she has to keep right on being Mrs. drama rehashing everything plus all that her mother went through with her mother and siblings who did some underhanded things. Thus, I sleep as late as possible in the am and then at night come out here to my Man Cave for some peace and quiet. If the doctor says she can go home, fine but it will be up to my step-dad and his helper to figure out all of the practical details and tend to them without leaving my mom abandoned like she does my step-dad for I don't live there and am disabled myself and so is my wife. I don't think they realize what they want to get themselves into and I don't think my mother would last long at all. Who knows, maybe she wants to go home so that she can die in her own bed which the helper is sleeping in right now.

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter weekend! I am taking a break from things so I will catch up everyone soon.

Cmag: If your step-dads care giver tried to borrow $40,000.00 from your mom then that answers a lot of questions. I'm glad you are talking to her nursing home doc. I can't imagine any responsible doctor sending her home. Her mind is not capable of making sound decisions and the home environment can't provide for her needs.

Let me know what the doc says. Best wishes, Cattails

I found it depended how full the NH is whether they turn pt.s away or try to get them discharged especially rehab pt's-the one I used all the time would not accept my husband and when I called and asked why they said his meds were too expensive which was bs it was because he wanted a lot of attention -a year later he was on the same meds and they recruited him from the hospital but I had liked the NH that accepted him the year before and used that one when I saw an aide in the store from the first one I asked her about it and she said their census was down and they needed pt.s. Often the docs work for the NH -so they do what the director wants.

Cmag and Austin: I may be wrong, but i thought Cmag was saying his mom has been in the nursing home for 3 years. If that's the case, then she's not there for PT. She's there because she needs full time care. I hope the NH doc respects Cmag's position. Cattails

Yes, my mother has been in the nursing home for three years. She was first there for PT, but she did not work with them and basically gave up like her mother did. Now, she is so dependent and mentally far gone that she must stay there. Her neurologist was trying to get her into an assisted living for years before she had a stroke in 2009 which landed her in a nursing home for rehab which worked but then her husband and his helper failed in taking care of them in just 8 days after which she had to go to the hospital and then I got her in a assisted living where she fell and broke her hip. After her hip surgery, she went to the nursing home for rehab and this time she did not work with them like after the stroke.

Today, I waited at the entrance to the nursing home from 2:15-4:30 and then visited with my mother until 6 and the nursing home doctor never showed up like he normally does on Fridays around 2 or 3 pm. There was one other family member of a resident who wanted to see him also, but she was let down as well. I did get to see the social worker and let her know what my step-dad and helper were up to with my mother and she's going to talk with my mother.

I don't know if I shared this earlier, but I am also concerned about a business deal concerning land owned by my mother, and my two aunts that a gas company is paying for an easement through. As the spouse, according to our state law, my step-dad has to sign off with a notary on this deal which I've talked with him about, but has not signed. Being concerned that he might try with holding his signature as leverage for getting me to over ride the doctor, I called my aunt who is handling this business deal. I asked her to call my step-dad and explain this to him again and the consequences of his not signing which would mean her being taken to court and the court forcing him to sign. She made the call and learned he had just set that piece of mail aside. He did not promise to sign it, but he did promise to look at it. By the time I was finished visiting with my mother, it was my step-dad's bedtime. Thus, I did not go by the house. However, my mother thought it was 6 am.

Hi all,
It's Selfish Sibs. Cmagnum -- long time no hear/see!!! I miss you!! I see Cattails and Austin are on here too. Austin, I think it was you that suggested I join in on this thread. That was only a few days ago and yet I forget!! Yikes!

Anyways, Cmagnum, I don't think they can release your Mom home without your authorization as POA. I do think that you can override the doctor by proving there is not a safe place for her to return to. may have to get Social Services in your area involved. Stay strong. But the doctors can't override you, espeically if she can't walk or care for herself. I

had a similar situation in January. Both parents living done the street from me, independently, not not really. I do everything for them with no help from two siblings that haven't even seen their parents in almost two years. People say, "You have to ask for help!" Well I do and I keep getting a big fat NO, or no response at all. That story for another posting. Anyway, Dad fell five times before Christmas, enough that it landed him in the hospital, didn't break anything (remarkably, just a very weakened state), started rehab in the hospital, then had an internal bleed, recovered, then transfer to rehab NH where he plateaued and now is a resident, pending Medicaid and miserable as all hell. So my 84-year old mother (who has been fighting with him for 40 years), who was planned to have her second hip surgery the following month says to me, "I can take care of him." I said no, you can't. He can't walk, he can't transfer himself, he's totally incontinent etc... and YOU"RE going to take care of him? No, what that meant was, he would be released and fall again in a matter of days and we'd start the whole mess all over again, the ambulance, the hospital, the rehab, Forget it. Plus, he would be putting her in danger if he grabbed her on his way down to the floor. Enough. So I said, if you make that decision, I will have no part of it. I wash my hands of everything completely. You're on your own. Don't call me for anything and I won't pick him up at the NH to bring him home. Find another ride. After three years of doing everything for both of them, everything, groceries, cvs, haircuts, church, trash, shoveling, meds, bills, insurance, plethora of doctor appointments, stamps, holidays, and so on, without even an acknowledgement from my loser siblings, I said No.
So I don't know if that works for you CMagnum, can you just say, NO to the step-Dad, I won't have any part of this if you take her home? Look, I love my Dad, but it wasn't the right decision for his safety or her safety to bring him home. Everyone's situation is different, I know. I never thought I'd be able to step aside, but I did. And he stayed in the NH. Sure he's miserable (he doesn't cooperate with the peeps in the NH either, Cmag), but he's been miserable for a long time and I'm tired of being miserable. Plus, I still have to watch over Mom living down the road who defends my loser siblings to their death. "They're too busy, they live too far away, they have their own problems." Screw that! So do I!!! I have a family, teenagers, a husband and run my own business, all of which is failing because for three straight years, I put my Mom and Dad first. No longer. I'm tired, I'm resentful and I hate my siblings but I am stepping aside. I hired a caregiver for Mom one day a week, so now I only call or see her twice a week instead of twice day. it is helping.

Luv to all-

-SS

SS, nice to hear from you and thanks for the support. You are right, I'll just have to tell my step-dad no. He was there when we had the family care meeting in mom's nursing home room; he heard what was required if my mother was going to have a safe release; and he knew that she would not work toward those goals. I think his wanting to take her home and continually bringing this up is both hurtful, selfish and a power game. I know he resents my having POA for mom and that mom never told him that she had made me the POA. So, I think he feels that as long as she is in the nursing home that I'm in charge, but if he gets her home that she will be in charge. I guess the next move that he and his helper could make would be to convince mom to remove me as her POA. He will embarrass himself if he does that because two doctors have written notarized documents saying she is not competent to handle her own business in a business like manner due to her dementia. The nursing home staff is very aware of how confused my mother's thinking gets and how bad her memory is. Plus, she no longer has a lawyer for he died a year ago. From what I have been told, if I force an unsafe discharge that doctor would refuse to ever see her again which means she could not return to that nursing home. Also, a former police friend of mine told me that if I were to make an unsafe discharge and something went wrong at home, I could be held liable for making a poor decision about my mother's care. So, it is all around better for my mother to stay where she is and I guess my step-dad is going to get very angry about that but that is his problem. He is probably actually mad at my mother for making me the POA, but wants to take his anger out on me. Typical alcoholic! He will probably be angrier if he outlives my mother and discovers that she has written him out of her will which she's hidden from him for years.

Anyway, happy Easter to all!

Cmag - Ok, got the picture now. I am with you 100%. Just say No. I do feel bad that my Dad is in the NH but I know that we have no other choice. It is the safest place for him. First of all, if I brought him home, there is no place for a full time caregiver; their apartment is too small and my borderline hoarding mother is starting to fill it up, (as she did their home of 53 years that I cleaned out and sold). Second, she weighs 120 lbs, Dad weighs between 150-160. She can't care for him but she wants to think she can in her mind. Look, someone has to be the grown up. She was driving me crazy about bringing him home. I would think I had her convinced then she would tell me in the car on the way to see him , "Yes, I know you're right," then we would go see Dad in the NH and in front of him she would say, "I can take care of him." For God sakes, she said that just yesterday! Now, instead of arguing, I just say, "That's really not a choice." I also had a number of family members and friends call my Mom on different days, ask how Dad was doing then tell her, "You have to let him stay there; it's not safe for him or you if you bring him home." Then she would call me and say, "Gee, everyone is saying the same thing." And I would tell her that's becasue they are right. She's a high functioning alcoholic too, Cmagnum. Would that work with your step-Dad ? It helped get her off my ass for a while. I told her and you'll like this one, "you're not putting him away, Mom, you're saving his life". Remember, just say NO, I'm not taking her out. The guilt (if you have any and I think you might), goes away when you yourself come full circle and realize IT IS the best place for her.

xoxoxo
-SS

You are right -he needs to stay in the NH when she visits does she do any cares-maybe if she was left alone with him for an hour she would realize she can not care for him-I hope she gives up on the idea before long-she must drive you crazy.

Yes, my less than independent Mom drives me crazy every day. So now I try not to call unless I absolutely have to. She thinks living independently means ME doing everything for her. She doesn't drive, and up until about two weeks ago, I did it all. I stopped. I'm done. I need to get on with my life and spend time with my own family, my kids and my husband and put them first. I haven't been doing that. And if she's lonely, sorry, call the other two loser siblings who haven't seen her in almost two years because "they're so busy," and tell them you're unhappy and go live with them. Of course that will never happen but I just don't want to hear about all her misgivings about her own life, all the rear view mirror shit every day. I have a service in town that will take her on errands and I'm also going to hire a caregiver/companion to be with her one afternoon a week. Done. Movin' on....

-SS

ss - glad to see you here, and also glad you are changing your approach to caregiving. My borderline narcissistic mum is in an ALF. and hires someone to shop ands run errands for her. Her doctor has given her home care for life - people who come in several times daily to make meals, and help with personal things. I do not respond to every email nor phone call. I find even in the few days I spent visitng her recently, I needed to get out among "normal" people, and just get away from the constant complaints, quite often. Sometimes she takes a position about something that makes no sense at all - pointing out the reality does not sink in as it does not fit her needs that she is special, my sis is "golden", she is targetted for this or that or whatever. They are never happy for long - no matter the circumstances.

Indeed, move on with your life, give yourself space and time to heal, for a lifetine with a parent with a personality disorder, is damaging, and very hurtful in many ways. Good for you!

I'm new to this thread/forum, but was drawn to the topic since I also identify as coming from a dysfunctional family (I've been in Alanon/ACA recovery for almost 7 years and have numerous family & non-family qualifiers). My father is one of my (unrecovered) qualifiers and was diagnosed just before turning 80 with myelofibrosis (a chronic form of leukemia). I'm not his primary caregiver-my mother (to whom he's still married) is, as well as my older sister, who now lives at home with my folks. I come down from Portland to visit more often now, and I find it terribly challenging. I'm torn between empathy/pity and simply being annoyed/irritated--I revert to a "pre-recovery" Adult Child way of dealing with his demands (which can be many, and ill-expressed). He's always been very difficult--won't go into all the specifics here--but being ill certainly doesn't help, and it's really not very different than how he's been throughout my life (I'm 46). He's still a rage addict and gets instantly angry about small things, has no boundaries (i.e., leaving the bathroom door wide open when using it), is pretty self-absorbed, keeps himself rather isolated (always has), and escapes into TV/media/etc. Growing up with him, everything revolved around this man (walking on eggshells is big in dysfunctional families)--and everything is STILL revolving around this man, and it makes it very hard to be gracious/caring/loving, but I work my program (thank God for the serenity prayer) and do my best when I'm here. My sister remains unrecovered-don't know how she does it.
Wondering if there are other identified ACA's or "alanonics," etc. also dealing with an ill parent, and what that's like (I plan to read through much of this thread, so apologies if this has already been covered)....good topic for a thread. Glad I found it.
Regards to all,
CW