The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

CW, welcome to our group of recovery for dysfunctional's, LOL!! I don't know about the other members in regards to alcoholism, but I too come from a family where alcohol was a problem. My father was sober for 10 years when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mother was also an alcoholic who never admitted it and only quit drinking because the family rallied behind our father for quitting. My mother also has a personality disorder, my sister says she is schzoid but I think she is a paranoid personality disorder. She has not been diagnosed by a Dr. because she doesn't think anything is wrong with her, it's everyone else. I can relate to walking on egg shells as I am sure everyone else in this thread can too. In my family, everything revolved around my mother who is rigid, no sense of humor, takes everything literally, and is a perfectionist in that she makes no mistakes but holds everyone else to the highest standards. I am the youngest of 4 children. My eldest brother disowned our family, moved out of state and from what I hear, is most likely an alcoholic. My second eldest brother was headed toward alcoholism but his second wife became his rock and lead him to a better life. My sister is a recovered alcoholic whose health has suffered because she would not get routine blood work for fear the Dr.'s would find out she was an alcoholic. As a result she is now a diabetic that went undiagnosed for at least 10 years. She suffers from severe neuropathy and low blood pressure that leaves her weak with little stamina. I have been lucky where the alcoholism is concerned because I can't drink much without getting sick. However, I have suffered from depression for many years, and I ruined many relationships with people because I couldn't understand what people really meant. I would take things the wrong way. I was a people please'er to the extreme!! My mother now has stage 4 Alzheimer's and her paranoia is worse. She has accused me and my sister of trying to steal her money and have her declared incompetent. I am still recovering from the abuse after 4 years in therapy where I was able to forgive my parents because I came to realize that they did not get married with the intentions of having 4 children to abuse. It doesn't matter if a topic has been covered, we are a group of on going situations to provide support, love,and encouragement so you came to the right place. I hope you find answers and a place where you feel free to discuss what is happening to you and your family members without criticism or judgement. Please post how you work the program as it may help us.

My mom is most difficult and she's not even the one that has the alzheimer's or dementia. She acts irrationally and will not work with me on getting medical power of attorney over my dad or get a guardianship or something so that we can start the process of getting him in some type of care system. She wears me out more than my father does and he's a handful with him trying to leave the house all the time. Am I coping. I'm not sure. I'm just in a holding pattern waiting for a way to get my dad the help he needs.

SharynMarie. Wow you described my mother to a tea minus the drinking. She isn't a drinker or a smoker thank GOD for that. My father I consider him to be an alcoholic cause if he gets a hold of alcohol he will drink himself into a stupor. He also smokes but since he's been with me for nearly a week. I just keep telling him doesn't smoke anymore. I would rather be alone in my dilemmas than to know others are suffering in the same matters but it's comforting at the same time to not be alone.

Caring welcome to this site-you will meet wonderful folks here and I can tell you will be a great help to others-with the help of others I an finally get through theidea I was just a bad kid and have learned I was and in not the problem all those years ago

I'm 54 years old and have just moved to AZ after raising two boys as a divorced mom and working as a CNA. As soon as my 18 yr old went off to college, I was called upon to move here to care for my parents. I love my mother, and am glad I can care for her- she is leaving the nursing home today and coming home on hospice. The problem is my father- we have never gotten along. He is mean spirited and makes a lot of derogatory comments about blacks and Hispanics- Hispanics mostly ( now that we are in AZ- ha ha). I don't dare cross him now- he and my Mom have been married for 57 years, and he's struggling to handle the situation. I know I have to do what everyone else here does- dig down deep for the strength to be gracious and patient! I have done hospice care before in my job- but this feels so different! I'm already worn out from the last 20 years of my life, and not feeling ready for this next challenge- how I wish it was my time to be free from responsibilities!

Kat welcome to our group-look around for support groups for caregivers-it helped me so much and comming here will help you so much-just to know others care about you is priceless-hospice should be a good help to you and do try to carve out some me time-you will need to set boundaries with that Dad of yours-maybe threaten him with placement-you will have your hands full caring for your Mom-let us know how you are doing.

Hello everyone!! I see we have some newcomers and that is good news because this site is great for getting advice and just knowing others are going through the similar situations is so helpful! I have been doing a lot of thinking lately regarding my mom and her continuing to drive. My sister and I have equal DPOA but my sister is the executor of our mother's estate trust. I have not driven with our mother since November of last year and I believe her mental capabilities has declined since then because of all the stress she has created over having a memory test. The situation is that if I go over to our mother's house and have her drive with me, she will most likely become combative since I usually drive when she and I go out. My sister lives 45 min. away, works 40 hrs. a week, and has health issues. I would like for her to come to the city my mother and I live in and take her out for a "test drive." She usually has our mother drive when it is the two of them so mom cannot think it is something different. My sister keeps stalling on doing anything because she is concerned that her reason for possibly having our mother's license revoked is because of her abuse toward us. I respect her thoughts but I am concerned about whether our mother is still a safe driver. I don't want to step on my sister's toes by reporting our mother to DMV. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Kat, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Hang in there when it comes to your Dad because your mom is your focus and don't let yourself be sidetracked by what cannot be fixed. I know that sounds like a crap of bull but seriously in all these years he's not gonna change so don't sweat it. Just let it run off you like water. Everything is different when your on the other side. But at least you know the process and know what to ask for when it comes to Hospice which will be of much use. Come here for support when you can't listen to your dad anymore or your tears are too much to bare for your mom. I'm fairly new to this site but not to the caregiving part. I've already learned so much in the short amount of time since I first was referred to this site.

SharynMarie, Oh I'm dreading that decision you are trying to make regarding your mother's driving. My mother lives to drive. This is selfish but I hope she passes before we get to that point because that happening will feel like the end of her life for her. I agree though, your sister needs to step up and help you evaluate the situation. It is unfair for one to handle all the responsibilities. I went back to read your story. Your sister lives 45 minutes away. She has no excuse not to come. Of course telling her that way will just not work. Perhaps you could entice her to come for a visit for your mom's sake especially with mother's day around the corner then ambush her with driving with your mother. Unless it's something like your mother is gonna end up on some highway marquee as a silver alert because you can't find her, then I'd just keep telling your mom how nice it would be for your sister to visit. Keep telling your mom so she keeps telling your sister. I'm sorry but if you have to guilt trip her to get her there then do it.

Cast, Thank you!! My sister and I are close but she takes her position as head of the situation too seriously, (a side effect of our dysfunctional upbring). I will certainly stress with her to come down on Mother's Day, something I didn't consider. I agree with you about the loss of independence. It will be a great loss for mom and possibly accelerate the Alzheimer's as well as addition stress for me because I will be the one who will take her grocery shopping, etc! Regardless of the abuse she dishes out, I want her to be safe. I admit there are times when I don't want to be of any help to mom, but I do know I would be in a bad frame of mind if something happened while she was driving and we could have prevented it from happening. The way I see it, is that DMV will either pass her or refuse her license. I am going to call my sister tonight, thank you for adding additional insight.

sharynmarie, if your mother has not had an eye exam in a while that would be one way to go for the eye doctor would then have to report her bad eyesight, I think. It would be better if an objective third party like an eye doctor or the DMV take action on this. Has her doctor evaluated how clear headed she is? An unclear head is an unsafe head when it comes to driving a car. Is there anyone who has the time and interested. in driving your mother around? That might help. I knew a retired man who paid a younger retired man to drive him around which included going to another town where the gas was cheeper. He had plenty of money and that town was less than an hour away, so that was no big deal. My mother had to stop driving first because of her seizures and finally because of her stroke. I wish you well in getting your sister on the same page and getting your mom out from behind the wheel for her and others safety.

John, my mother's PCP told us that anyone can report someone to DMV. Having said that, we understood that he did not want to do it. She had an eye exam about 3-4 months ago and there was no change in her vision from the year before. I talked with my sister earlier this evening and she is planning on coming down on Mother's Day. I sent her a link for the form from DMV but she said she didn't get it. I agree that having a third party do it would be best. The only other option is to go to mom's cardiologist who had stated on a report that Alzheimer's was suspected with considerable memory loss. I think my sister is hoping we can go to him to report her. I am just waiting and hoping that nothing happens in the mean time. However, I will not wait too long because if I have to report her, then I will. DMV does not guarantee confidentiality but will try to honor it and if mom finds out I reported her, then I will have to deal with fallout.

Sharrymarie, my mom is also in about Stage 4-5 ALZ. A couple years ago, when she was living and caring for her older sister who had a variety of health ailments, mom was doing the driving. She would really only drive to local markets for groceries. They at that time were living by themselves in mom's home. Of course they had all those behaviors of hiding information, like that my mom had been diagnosed w/ALZ, and was already taking an anti-depressant about a year before we, her children actually had any knowledge about it. So one day I remember I went to visit them. I let myself into the house w/my own key.
My aunt was there by herself. So I asked where my mom was. She told me that she'd gone to the store for milk. Well, I started to become really concerned when mom didn't return for about an hour. At this point, I now asked my aunt which store she thought mom may have gone to. I could tell something was up, because my aunt kept stalling of answers, and kept trying to assure me she'd be back soon. Well, luckily mom walked in the door right after this. But, this was a HUGE RED FLAG, for me! I remember calling my sister to tell her about this. It was not too long after this, that we did finally get a confirmation about mom's ALZ diagnosis. Well, if you can imagine, she continued to drive for awhile after this. In part this was because my brother at the time had POA, and was totally mismanaging everything, including them. This didn't last, since my aunt yanked it from him and reassigned my sister and other brother. Now my sister moved in w/them, since they could no longer be alone. It was at this time that my sister had to have a talk w/our mom re: driving. In hindsight, we definitely know there were some angels w/mom when she drove towards the end of her driving days.
But, I was telling my sister, that their safety, other people's on the road is too important. Besides, one wouldn't want to be involved in a liability law suit, on account of the fact that someone just didn't take the measures to make sure an elder wasn't going to drive. Stage 4 ALZ, is nothing to play around with. Cmagnum has given you a great idea as to how to approach this. In any event, don't take too long on this one, dear. Be strong. Margeaux

Cmagnum, I went back and read some of your posts about your dilemma w/your s'dad's position about the release of your mom. How crazy would that be, the thought that they'd release her, and that she'd end up going home to him and that helper. Given what you've said about his helper, she sounds like a doozy kind of person. Besides as I think it was Cattails, and Sharynmarie, from what I understand a POA's authority to be, that is you are the one probably with the final say. Regardless, I couldn't even imagine any doctor in their right mind releasing someone like your mom in her condition to them. Oh and believe me,
I know that feeling you've been experiencing with your wife, of having to hear someone you live with and their take on the way things are, should be etc. In other words the drama. My sister too, keeps going at it, with respect to her take and budding in with my brother and what she deems as the lack of support from his own family. This she bases on his lack of a real marriage w/the wife he lives with. Then, he has those four grown adult children still in his house, who aren't the contributing types in any way shape or form. So aside from having to hear about my brother's health problem, with the prostate, etc., I also had to hear all of that. I'd already been hearing this the week prior, and I know because of the things my sister has been electing to do which is completely bud in, where she has no business. She's a total enabler, always reemphasizing that she does certain things with respect to my brother's health issue since his kids don't and also since his wife isn't showing any interest. When she's said things like this, I've had to remind her, that although this may be true, they'll never actively participate if there's always someone like her to run to rescue them. Anyway, for me at least I don't live in the same household w/my sister, I get all of this info. on the phone. So, I haven't been in touch with her for a few days now, got tired of the same old broken record. But , you made me laugh in a good way, when you referred to going to your man cave. Hey, I'm glad you have one! So what I can ssy to you Cmagnum, is keep your eye on the ball w/your situation re: your mom & s'dad. Your the man! Take care, Margeaux

cmag: I agree with all you have explained about your mom and step-dad. I'd let the Aunts put pressure on step-dad about the easements, etc. Just hang in there on your mom's need for NH care and let the others work him over on business end. Don't let yourself get drawn in to the bargaining.

Here's the thing I'd like to ask you. I'm assuming you've been married a long time and it seems from your posts that your relationship with your wife is stressed. Both of you (from my limited knowledge) have been dealt a difficult hand with family members and you both have your struggles in that area. You seem to have found your salvation by setting boundaries and trying to limit the impact your wife's anxiety has on you.

So here's my question: Is there any way that you and your wife can leave all the family drama behind and spend some quality time together? Is it possible to reconnect in a way that gives you both comfort? I realize I'm preaching to the choir hear, but life is precious and comfort is a blessing.

I'm not saying what you should do by any means. I'm just saying what I would wish for you. Hugs, Cattails.

Thank you John and Margeaux! I appreciate the feedback, it has given me some ideas as to how to proceed and I will keep you posted♥!

cattails, yes I am staying out of the easement business, directly that is, but not indirectly. I did call the lawyer to let him know that my aunts are having to work on my step-dad to get his signature moving forward. He told me that he had still not been able to reach my step-dad calling him at home before the time that I think they leave to see my mother. So, not feeling comfortable giving out the helper's cell phone number, I gave him the phone number directly to my mother's nursing home room where my step-dad and his helper go every day and to expect the helper, --name---, to answer the phone. I told him why I am staying out of this directly and he understands. I learned that my step-dad will not hold up the aunts and my mother receiving their money, but if he does not sign, the gas company will issue a judgement against him, whatever that means.

My wife got so worked up over this that she called her mother about it who told her to calm down for it was not her issue for anyhow I'm in charge with both POAs. She brought it up to her therapist yesterday morning who told her the same thing. She's in a lot of pain in her back and has some pain in her foot that no one can find the cause for. It might be somatic. She's also been depressed over the pain which is understandable, but depressing to be around as well. Her therapist told her to get out of the house and walk as much as she can somewhere like the mall, etc. She is going to have an MRI done soon which I am glad of. This has made the third doctor that she's been too about this foot. In the past, I've basically learned not to absorb my wife's anxiety and drama over things, she is bipolar as well. However, the intensity of this and the repetitiveness of it was overwhelming.

I talked with my therapist yesterday about my wife's drama surrounding this drama with my step-dad over mom possibly moving back home and this easement thing. He agreed that despite her knowledge of triangulation, that she was trying to triangulate things with all of her drama over you need to say this or that when you tell your step-dad no, although she had agreed initially that just telling him the doctor says no was enough. She wanted me to make up a list of reasons why mom going home would not work and get a letter from the doctor whom I never saw last Friday, but I am glad that I saw the social worker. She was also going over all this stuff about your step-dad might try getting your mother to remove you as POA or he might try taking you to court, etc. over and over, and over again day after day saying the very same things, the very same way, etc. Looking back, I think she was manic. My therapist asked if she doesn't have enough of her own issues to not be micromanaging how I'm dealing with this myself which I had become anxious enough on my own over. He's noticed as I have that my wife goes through these cycles just like I do with her bipolar which is more the manic type than mine. He repeated that just telling my step dad that while I can understand his wanting my mother home, that the doctor has said no and leave it at that for anything else will only contribute to getting into an argument. When I got home I share with my wife that my therapist said again what to say and that a letter from the doctor was not needed. She tried to get into that drama again and I reminded her that Jesus said let your no be no and your yes be yes and thus the short answer is better. She chilled out after that. My therapist wonders if some of this physical pain, particularly the foot, is not somatic because of some issue she is dealing with. Thus, it is easier to get caught up into my stuff that deal with her own.

It is tough when she is in cycles like this and it is lonely, but I've learned to weather them until she cycles out and so to speak I have the real her back. Thus, we really having been connecting lately like we often do otherwise. Thanks for your wishes and that would be good to just get away from it all, but not always possible. Thus, I go to my man cave or go watch TV. My therapist thinks her drama plus my own anxiety over this and particularly about Friday contributed to my down time on Sunday and Monday. Sometimes too, with her PhD in social psychology, my wife tries to play armchair therapist which even therapists know not to do with their own family members. Sometimes, her head knowledge of the theories behind what therapists do and say makes her intellectualize what therapists say or what they say when she is hospitalized which is not good.

Both of us are on disability and that often adds to the burden of things. For example, right now I don't have the energy to do everything that needs to be done in the house, out in the yard, for the cars or even walk the dog. If I get groceries bought, pay the bills, cook some food for I'm buying more frozen meals now, wash the clothes, run the dishwasher, drive her to various doctor's appointments and to see her therapist, that is about all I have energy for. She stays off of her foot by sitting in front of her lap top on the little sofa or reading a book or she sleeps in very late which looks like will be the case today. I don't have to be up this early, but I got up and have stayed up anyhow, plus gone ahead and taken my medicine. Those two really bad days of mine on Sunday and Monday were made worse by the fact that I was so depressed that I failed to take several of my medicines. Now that is bad. Before I forget to since I'm writing this and it is so easy to forget when in front of the computer, I have one more med to take for this morning which should help my energy level. Unless I remember to take my androgel, i.e. testosterone, in the morning instead of later in the day, the day does not normally go as well. Thank goodness that this new version does not take four hours to dry before you can shower, swim or set, but only takes two hours.

Thanks for listening.

Cmag: I'm always glad to listen and honored when someone shares their heart with me. My heart goes out to you and your wife, for all that you battle inside and conquer, day by day. I'm sure you can feel the love you have for each other. That's a gift even if each day isn't perfect. Thank you for sharing and know that I respect all the work that both of you do to make you way in this thing called life.

Love and Hugs, Cattails.

Cmagnam I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time especially since you have been helping us others so much. On a good note from me our Senior Center is starting a caregivers support group and today the first meeting included me and 3 other former caregivers who I believe helped current caregivers when I approched the leader she did not seem to want former caregivers involved she said they did not need a nother leader to which I said trust me I do not want to be a leader-I already am for two activities at the center by default -then she said she did not know what I would get out of the meetings-I explained I planned to help other so I was gladly surprised that 3 other former caregivers-all widows came into the meeting.

Austin: You just keep reaching out. You have a good heart and lots of experiences to share. Our local Methodist Church has a huge program for caregivers. Why don't you check with the area on aging and find out what they have to offer. We always recommend people to call them and ask for help. You could check with them and find out how you can help. Much bigger pond than the senior center. There is a place for you and I think you might be on the right track. Broaden your horizons my friend. You have much to offer. Love ya, Cattails.

Austin, good for you. That sure is a strange reaction someone would have to the fact that you are offering from the wealth of experience that you bring with you about caregiving. Interesting that 3 more people showed up. I'm sure that this "leader," won't discourage you. Who better than people who have already walked down that road. Take care, Margeaux

Cmag, you have shared a lot of wisedom with us, I am so sorry you are going through this now. Things will level out for you soon.
Austin, sounds like this person has control issues and felt threatened.Goodness you would think she would welcome your knowledge. Look around you will find others who will welcome your kind, giving heart.

Our office for the aging has never been very helpful whenever I called-they seem too far removed from caregivers but the group I attended yesterday seems like a good group and both leaders are and have been caregivers-one for several relatives and they seem to work well with each other-I am happy I and the other 3 former caregives attended.

June- I can't believe the leader of the new group wouldn't want your participation or that of other former caregivers. I think that's horrible!! Sounds like she/he is threatened in some way and that's just silly! I would keep going. I know people will be drawn to you. I am most comforted by others on this site because I know they KNOW what I am dealing with with, they FEEL what I feel and they HEAR me. Not some so called "expert"! We experienced that several times on the Grossed Out thread, remember!

Cmagnum - Lord, you have a lot of your plate. Stay strong. Remember, it really IS in your controlled. I didn't think so until I realized, if I just so NO, I can help Mom and Dad make the right decision as opposed to continuing to enable their dysfunctional life of falling all teh time, and fighting all the time and not bathing etc.... I said, NO, Dad has to stay in the NH because it is not safe for him at home and it not safe for you, Mom, if he comes home. I said NO. You can say NO too, you can.

Luv you tons --SS

I feel like moving to Great Falls, Montana just to get away either that or Cheyenne.

ss I plan on continuing with the group and I know at least former caregiver is also going to continue and I will speak up when I feel I can help others.

sounds a like a good idea there is nothing like that here except a grief grp. Well the noise from the peanut gallery has taken the message. Still wish I knew what caused my sister to get uppity when i ask one question lol but other than she doesn't want to support me and feels i am not supporting her then I am glad for the time being she is left her own dominance and control factor. My sil tho she wont go anywhere is about to face court order eviction from her ex husband soon. Still refuses help from her family and last i heard she is throwing fits like a 3 yr old. I keep praying for her but she has prey on the church and other ppl therefore no one feels that they can help her. Still waiting to hear from the coorindator and waiting to my foodstamps and then no cell phone service today ...freaky friday perhaps a full moon...

well I got granted extension to get the stuff ready for hubby's LTC and then I paid my bill some on my mastercard but funny thing is I didnt get my pay in my account gonna see if it shows up monday. So i have to go to the bank and find all the policies that list me as owner also a letter stating a new account as me being hubby's rep...on the other hand i found out my ex brother in law is his brother had severe heart attack and still is on life support so pls pray for him. As for my sister in law she still facing eviction from her ex husband. They are still waiting on something to get her back home n placed some place safe. I am still ticked at the way his family is at me but i do not make a choice to hear it since they do not bother to communicate with us anymore than I do with them. Yes the cord is still cut from my sister and from what I have read here she is a narcisstic in denial and what is worse she can't make the time to send our mother important papers regarding our grandmother;s care that is currently in a NH so what am I do. I still have a half sister that i cant casually chat with and she is bright and intelligent woman. I miss her more than anything. Surgery will happen for hubby after few more visits from a pulmonologist and stress test done. they still havent renew my stamps yet and I had paid 200 dollars in groceries today...but finally got a payment made to my credit card. as long as the bullshit stays out of my life i can cope wit the stuff that happens here in my house vs everyone else's trying to crowd me in with their drama. I also found out my gf has a tumor so Need prayers to make sure its benign ...its the last thing she needs with 3 children to raise...and is it me but the world is starting to go wtf in flames here lately...I pray for miracles and hope that Jesus does come because right now there is nothing left to do but pray to and love the ones we can at a distance. Enough for now...at least i can think of something for supper tonight ...make it good....might make ham n beans i Havent had that in a good while ...pls pray for peace n compassion tho we may not feel it ...we all need it.

My sis and I are going to see an attorney regarding mom. She now admits she has alzheimer's but no apology for all the horrible things she has accused us of doing. She won't let us help even though we have POA. She is going to have a woman balance her check book instead of my sis. I don't have money for a court fight but we may have to get a conservatorship. Mom is blocking us from helping her and she is so frugal she will let someone help her for free and this is our concern: they may talk her into adding them as a signer on her accounts.
We need to make sure she is safe from people who may take advantage of her. Isn't is funny that a parent believes her family is trying to take her house, money, and car from her but she will trust a stranger??? Paranoia is a difficult thing to deal with and I truly wish I could be done with it and walk away from mom. Let people take everything my dad worked for just to be free of her paranoia. She spent all this money on a living trust, assigning me and my sister with DPOA and she won't let us help because she believes we want her money, have her committed, and take her house. We tell her only a judge can declare her incompetent, we can't. She won't believe it. Gotta go to work now, I hope everyone has a wonderful week♥!

Sharynmarie,
yes, conservatorship is the way to go. Look into immediately as it takes time. Don't wait and then be sorry you did. Involves doctor's testimony and/or their written recommendation. Your local social services/human services should get involved. It is their job to help you. Theie services are free. Good luck.

-SS