The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

SS~We have an appt. May 2. Mom is not incompetent at this point, nor has she been diagnosed with a mental illness but I think she has a paranoid personality disorder (she has been this way all my life). Why else would she accuse us of such horrible things? No matter how far emotionally removed I am from her, it still hurts that she thinks such things about her family. Her accusations have been on going long before Alzheimer's set in. I am concerned how much it will cost us and I don't want to stress our financial situation where it causes problems between me and my husband. He has been very good to me even though my mom has caused a lot of drama over the years. At this point in our lives, we should have peace. He is 7 years from retirement, our children are married and here I am still having to deal with my crazy mother!! We just celebrated 35 years of marriage, I think if I married someone else, they would have divorced me a long time ago. If she would at least have the bank do this service for her I wouldn't worry, but that would be to logical. The woman may be legit since she is a volunteer for AARP, but how do we know for sure? She doesn't want to pay for services that can be trusted with documentation because it will cost more. I suggested to her about 5-6 years ago to have the bank take care of some of her finances but she said she doesn't want them knowing her business???? She retired from Wells Fargo, go figure! I could go on and on but it resolve anything.
Burned, I am glad you got the extension and things have settled down some for you. I hope you get the foodstamps soon as it must be a worry when you are feeding a family and at the mercy of these services that take their sweet time.
Brandywine, I am right with you on moving away~I want to runaway with my little bag packed like a child, haha!
Cmag, I hope all is well with you and all that you are going through. It seems like it just never ends with dysfunctional family members.
Thank you SS and everyone else for letting me ramble on about my situation, you are all a blessing, have a good day♥!

sharynmarie, thanks for asking how I'm doing. Today is another one of my depressed too much, despite meds, type days. Some of this just may be due to what my therapist and I are covering about some events 12 years ago that were very painful and traumatic, but I need to talk through them.

Also, I'm getting tired of everyone wanting me to stay in touch more when I just don't feel up to it. My dad claims that I've not been in touch with him much these past two years and wonders why. He does not seem to get it that my depression has worsened over the past two years and drains my energy from doing so. I know he is 87, but some days I feel about that old myself. I look around my life as a whole and all I see is responsibility, responsibility, much of which I'm just not up to getting done as of late. I realize that my mother in the nursing home would like to hear from me and have me visit her more, but that takes a lot out of me too. I'm so low that I'm buying more frozen meals to eat because I'm just not that up to cooking like I was. I've not cleaned my house in weeks and very seldom remember to take a shower, much less brush my teeth, but I do take the trash and recycleables out, buy groceries, pay bills, wash the clothes, run the dishwasher, drive my wife around to various doctors and occasionally cut the grass on the riding lawn more, but overall this yard is a mess compared to how I usually have it in the Spring and the inside of this house was well as our two cars are dirty and totally out of order which is so unlike me in the past. Sorry if I sound too much like a big baby today, but I do not represent that phrase for I'm just depressed and tired of being down more than I'm up with up not being very high. I hope others are having a better day.

Cmag: You have my empathy. Is it possible to have someone come in and do yard work for you until you are feeling better. Maybe a housekeeper every couple of weeks, just to give your spirit a lift. Sometimes we feel better when we don't have so many visual reminders of what needs our attention, ie housework, weeds, whatever. Somethings you can delegate. Take care and good for you on the frozen food. Cattails.

Cmag, I understand about depression. I spent 12 years in depression, it seems people want more from us at these times. I think maybe they are thinking if you have contact with people it will bring you out of depression,when what we really need is to deal with what we are feeling. Cattails has some great ideas that will free up your responsibilities so you can concentrate on therapy and deal with these feelings. Try to do some things you know you enjoy without all the pressure if that is possible. Please know we are sending good thoughts your way, take all the time you need for this even a weekend getaway may help♥!

Cmagnum, I wish you well. I hope you get better. My Mom has untreated depression. I know how painful this is. Take care and remember working through the pain you have experienced will help you with the depression. I am much better because of people like you who started this thread and your posts on this site which opened my eyes and have helped me to grow stronger. Thank you.

Sharynnmarie - I too have this wonderful husband and know that had I married anyone else they would have left me by now. Taking care of BOTH my parents was WAY more than I expected. I guess I expected them to be a lot more independent but that is not the case. Plus, I have to deal with Mom self-medicating herself with booze and pain killers, a nasty bi-polar sister who is determined to get their money and a brother who chooses to stay away and do nothing. It's a nightmare. I did hire an attorney and it will stretch our budget for sure, but in the long run it is well, well worth it. You're basically paying for peace of mind. Think about it. It could save your marriage too. One other thing - since you are POA, and you don't have to tell your mother you are doing this. Give the bank a copy of your POA papers. Set up the bank account(s) online (not to pay bills just to look at the activity on the account. The bank will help you create a username and password. Then you can monitor the accounts online and see if there is suspicious activity from the new person paying your mother's bills -- you'll know right away. This is what I did to monitor my parent's spending, since I determined back in 2009 that my sister was syphoning money from them for years. It stopped that from happened right away. Let em know what you think about that.

Cmagnum -- I know this sounds silly, everyone telling what you can do to lift your spirits and some days you probably don't even want to pick your head up off the pillow. When the sun is out (what part of the country are u in??), go outside and just sit in a chair. Vitamin D, baby!! It could change your whole day!!

Luv to all!

-SS

Thanks to everyone for their support and advice. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II back in 2003, but my cycling down into depression has been worse since the fall of 2010 and my psychiatrist increased my wellbutrin back then and added abilify. I thought it might be somewhat situational depression or exhaustion because of the intensity of my therapy dealing with family of origin issues and flashbacks about my past, but evidently that was not the case.

January and February of 2011 were particularly rough because I was sleeping like 12-14 hours a day and having a hard time staying awake the rest of the day. I had all sorts of blood work done and everything was fine. So, my psychiatrist prescribed Nuvigil and that lasted about 2 months. I've not had a month like those two again, but I still cycle down rather low and sometimes I do sleep way too much.

This spring, I changed psychiatrists and he ordered more blood work. It showed my B-12 and B-9 (folic acid) were low as was my testosterone. I learned online that some of my bipolar med actually reduce the absorption of those two B vitamins for some people which no one had told me about. I'm a bit better on some days with those changes, but I'm not up to the time before the fall of 2010.

The idea about the sun is not silly. I take extra vitamin D every day, plus it is in my multivitamin and it is with my calcium citrate that I take. Taking Lamictal, I can only stay in bright sunshine for so long, but my endocrinologist tells me that it only takes about 15 minutes between 9 am to 3 pm for your body to make vitamin D on the surface of your bare forearms in interaction with the sunlight.

I do think we will hire someone to do basic cleaning which will help. Those cleaning agencies charge mighty high prices. So, we are going to look for someone less expensive.

Hello to all-- I have not been on here in quite a long time.. but I had to take a few min. to write a post because this was (and is) the only place that I felt truly understood so much of what I am goin through.. Ive been very preoccupied both mentally and physically with so much.. to the point where it is often even difficult to put my feelings into words.. so here goes..

Everything is set up for my son going to Mayo.. we go next week.. we will spend the week (or longer) there.. My son is going through so much on every level.. mentally..physically.. emotionally.. and spiritually.. he has lost hope.. so I pray we get answers and results.. we have to.. my heart breaks for him everyday..

So.. the planning part of our trip to Mayo has been more stressful then I think what the trip it self will be.. Ive had to do what we all do when planning a trip.. the usual pay bills.. arrange care for the animals..ect.. but then there has been the care for my mom.. and that has been a complete nightmare.. One part of me has felt guilty because mom has expressed how she has felt so lost having no where to go while I am gone..so I debated even bringing her with me.. but then I thought about that idea deeper and realized that would be a huge mistake.. I have to devote this time to ONLY my son.. so.. I called my sister and told her mom had to stay there.. well then a whole new nightmare began.. One it is obvious she does not want to be bothered with my mom and all that comes with my mom on daily basis..She told me her body cannot tolerate the stress.. but if she has no choice she can stay with her.. My sister even asked why my 16 yr old cannot stay with my mom.. Well my mom sees and feels this.. My mom has said numerous times she would rather pitch a tent then go where she is not wanted.. but she knows there is no choice.. My mom and sister are like oil and water.. and I will be the first to admit caring for my mom is no picnic.. but my family has been doin it for a year constantly.. no breaks.. even through five surgeries of my own I cared for my mom.. so I told my sister tough sh** !!!.. But I cant let go of a this guilt I feel.. My mom makes it known every min. of everyday her feelings about goin to my sisters.. I want to tell them both to shut the hell up.. this is not about them.. but Im tryin to keep peace for my sons sake.. the last thing he needs is to know the stress the trip alone causing..

I am so tired of this whole crazy family.. It will be very hard to even think of having to return to this life with mom and her daughters and the end of our Mayo visit.. I wish I could take my family and my dogs and just disappear and let them all kill each other..

Well that is the update on my son.. so many of you were so kind to ask and show caring and concern when I first mentioned his situation that I had to post where we are at now with everything.. I will let you all know what happens..

My Prayers to everyone on here.. facing their own battles everyday.. God Bless

Izabella, thanks for posting. It is good to hear an update from you. I hope for the best with your son. Dysfunctional families do have a way of driving us crazy, and finding where and how to do some needed boundaries is tough both to chose and to keep doing. I wish you could let go of this guilt that you feel. It must be something that your mom planted in you as a child for you have not done anything to feel guilty for. I would be tempted to tell your mom and sister to chill because this is reality, so deal with it because you are dealing with your reality which you have plenty of complaints about as well. True, it is not about them, it is about you and your only son. So what your mom does not like being where she is not wanted. She's made her bed and having to sleep in it. Those are her feelings for her to deal with and not for you to fix or absorb. Sorry, if I sound a bit trigger happy and punchy this morning, but I'm feeling a bit angry for you and it is not even happening to me. Somehow, some way I think it is time for some eggshells to get cracked instead of gently walked around so that they don't crack before you crack and that I would hate to see. I have no advice as to which eggshell to crack or when, but your gut feeling/intuition will probably let you know that.

Cmag I liked what you said about eggshells-I am to the point with my mother some are going to break but it is not my job to make her happy as is was not my job to make the husband happy-the shells broke then also at times and the sky did not fall down and I am able to help the others in the cargivers support group for what I went through-I hope things get easier for you.

Cmag-- You hit it right on.. I can almost remember the moment as a child the "guilt" began.. and now as a grown woman still dealin with it.. ironic how we fuction as adults yet still feel like a "child" within when we deal with our parents.. I have always felt it was up to me to "fix" my moms life.. and now especially when everyone has turned their backs on her and she needs me more then ever.. she has been crying about goin to my sisters house the days I am gone, because as I said it is so very obvious my sister wants no part of mom goin there.. so Ive been in "fix-it" mode.. I hate to see anyone sad let alone my mom.. and while Im tryin to figure out how to make bringin her with me work Im pissed within that this should even be an issue at this time.. I cant believe this sister that has now turned her back not only on my mom but even moreso on me use to be not only my sister but my "best-friend".. I always thought that her and I would always be their for one another.. and I know if all was reversed and mom was with her I would never do any of what she has done to me or my family to her.. I would be there for her.. everyday anyway I could be...
My fear is if I leave it and let my mom go to her house they will argue and my mom will want to leave and my sister will want her to.. my mom will call my other son to come back to my house before I return.. and I so dont want that to happen.. so Ive got to plan not only the what is but also the what if..

Cmag-- how are you?? Im sorry to hear about your struggles your are goin through.. Depression for any reason is one of the hardest battles I know.. I think when dealing with depression you cannot even take one day at a time.. It has to be taking one hr at a time.. and making each hr of each day count.. dont wake up each day and look at that day as a whole.. maybe for now by focusing only on filling each hr of each day with positive things it wont be so overwhelming.. and soon before you know it you would of made it through a day that was filled with all the things you use to do.. I also believe you cant be so hard on yourself cmag.. if you slip up one hr and decide to do nothing its ok!! Just begin the next hr differently and so on.. Its a fight I know when trying to pull ourselves out of a "hole".. thats why I think taking it slow is the best way.. You are a strong person and you have helped so many of us on here.. Use some of that strength you give to others on you!! You deserve it!! Thoughts and prayers are with you from all of us here!!

Thanks Austin. The idea came to mind as I read your remarks. I thought about "happy shells" which is what we try to accomplish by walking on eggshells, hoping that they don't crack. They only cover an emptiness inside that we didn't cause, can't control and can't fix, but emotionally blackmailing people don't want us to crack their "happy shells".

Izabella, thanks! Wow, you can almost remember when the guilt began as a child. Your memory is more precise than mine, but my mother raised me to be a fix it person for her too. She did not meet my emotional needs (which she even admitted to me as an adult and claimed she would do better with my children which she did not {her mother was the same way with her and she never bonded with any of us grand chidlren}) for I was to be more of an adult focused on her needs. This took place sometime following her divorce. I thought this might change years later when she got married again, but she continued to have a very possessive hold on me. She never became close to her step children whom she never really accepted and did not want me to become close with. In dealing with all of this in therapy, I did have some painful flashbacks of events and feelings from the part of my past that I have called the cloudy era when I hardly had remembered a thing about those years.

It took me a while to get free (no wonder that I did not get married until I was 31) and even when I thought that I was free, I discovered there was still some enmeshment there coupled with the anger that I had toward her for being so possessive of me and so intrusive into my life which I hardly had as a child or as a teenager with my own, separate identity. My wife had a similar background to mine but she grew up like that in the isolation of the county whereas I did get to move from a small town to a city. We have both had to deal with our 'mom issues' which I thought her's were more obvious than mine and it is no wonder that I ended up in a very conflictual relationship with her mom for she is too much like my own mom. However, my main point in saying that is as both of us have dealt with these things in therapy, we have come to feel closer to each other which is good. Also, our boys have felt better about their mom. She did go through a time where she related to our boys and even to me much like her mother did to her and her dad, but I reached a point where I had, had enough and began to set some boundaries with her and her mother for my sake and the sake of our boys. That was the start of her seeing that she needed to set some boundaries with her mother which became glaringly apparent when her mother started treating our boys like her mother did her. During that time, my wife also admitted how verbally abusive she had been to me and the boys during that phase when her mental health and struggle over being still so enmeshed with her mom when off the deep end so to speak.

Yes, the hurt inner child reacts like a child with such a parent and very often with anyone who reminds us in some way of said parent. I know that has been true in my life.

Holding on to anger toward a parent like that is like drinking poison thinking it will hurt them, but it hurts us as I have seen also. This is why my therapist had me to write a letter to my mother, read it aloud and then burn it in a trash can, after which we threw the ashes to the wind.

I slept in again today very late, but it is good to see the sunshine. I need to find something fun to do that will totally take my mind off of things which is one thing that I had in doing Tae Kwon Do with the boys for several years, but then I lost interest in it. It is still hard for me to relax even when I go bowling, I'm too hard on myself which I think comes from my dad being such a perfectionist dad in teaching me almost every sport in the book on visits which he had to fight in court to get the right to do because mom wanted him totally out of her life and mine for various reasons that were not rational. I even went through a phase as a child where I thought it was up to me to fix my parents broken marriage.

The inner child so to speak wants that relationship with our mother that we did not have and yet we are also angry at them which too often we don't want to face because that is not nice. At some point, we must grieve what we did not have and face what we will not get despite our best efforts to fix them which has never worked anyhow. Well, aren't I waxing autobiographical today.

I'm sorry that your sister is no longer the best friend that you once had. Your situation is very complex, and I hope you find a way out for your own sanity and your son's well being despite what might happen to others' "happy eggs".

Today is better than the last two days were. I do have to remind myself from time to time that I am on disability now and so why do I expect so much of myself still.

Sharynmarie, I'm going to tell you a story about my sister. She was appointed POA several years ago, about three and a half to be in charge of our recently deceased aunt, and mom w/ALZ. At that time, she also decided to move into mom's home, (where they both were already living. So sister moved in w/her two grown daughters and the older one's boyfriend. Mom's home is large. Well, my aunt, was the total narcissist. There was nothing that anyone could do for her w/o she making everyone feel as if they weren't doing enough. She'd say jump and everyone would have to say, "how high." It was my feeling that she should have been examined for ALZ, or Dementia. Certainly, she still had the capacity to accomplish certain things a person w/ALZ, cannot, like math. But, she required an enormous amount of care, and my sister became in charge of some rentals and all particulars that come w/repairs of the apartments when needed. On this front, my younger brother, who was second POA, also jumped in and even did a lot of the repairs himself. But then of course my aunt started to have these weird and quite paranoid ideas about her money throughout all of this. My sister being the one who lives there had to bear the brunt of this mess w/difficult aunt. I used to say, that she made Bette Davis in "Baby Jane," look like an amatuer! But anyway, especially this past year, (last yr. of aunt's life) she just totally raised the bar, in terms of demands. Naturally, my sister was so stressed. Also, because of their prior history together, oh boy! So I used to tell my sister, "you should try to get her examined," well, this never got done. But I felt my sister get completely swept up into my aunt's drama. So I started to ask my sister, to try to read, or speak to a lawyer about her rights and responsibilities as the POA. The advice that SelfishSiblings is very good! I really think that it is important to have a pragmatic frame of reference in these matters. Now if I'm understanding correctly, it sounds as if your mom has her own money, you shouldn't have to be paying out of your pocket for this, I'm sure if this is the case. Anyway, I used to call my sister's behavior sometimes.....paralyzed by fear in this regards. Yes, they are the elders, and it makes sense in some ways that we still are accustomed to they calling all the shots. But that's no longer the case. They are the one's in need of care. My darling, you're just going to have to get in touch with what's going on w/management of your mom's assets, for your own peace of mind. My best to you,
Margeaux

Hi Everyone, I wanted to comment on a general level. I read many of the posts here, and although I'm not like some people, in that I'm not a live-in caregiver, nor POA, but I'm noticing a recurring theme in a lot of what is being discussed here. It is about feeling overly responsible. This can be different for people. It can be responsible for the minute details of the household, (as in housekeeping)., hands on care for the elder(s). Then there's of course what I consider the more complicated responsiblity.....the emotional one! Now I feel that although many times under a variety of circumstances, one may try their best to meet all of these kinds of demands, we must consider the satisfaction level of it. I'm not talking just about the approval from your loved one here. It seems that many times when people just do not have the energy to do let's say house work, because they are just so in charge of too many other things, we really have to step back a bit and really try to look at the whole picture. So I guess what I'm trying to suggest, is that maybe sometimes we are a bit too hard on ourselves. If and when this is the case hopefully one might try to seek out the social agencies for help. Things such as "Meals on Wheels," organizations of this nature. Sometimes caregivers cannot do it all.

But the other component that I'd like to mention here about the responsibility part, is responsibility for other peoples happiness. I for one have been involved lately with my own brother's prostate issue. He had surgery for this about 3 wks. ago now, and seems to be recuperating well. He was rather estranged from the rest of the three siblings, since he had in the past been the POA, of our mom and aunt.
But thee was so much mis-management, so POA was changed to my sister.
As a s result of this, of course there were these residual feelings felt by all of us that weren't too good. Anyway, now in his time of need via this health crisis, my sister (who is a controller), tried recruiting me, by trying to push all of the guilt buttons she feels she has at her disposal to do as she's done, which is bud in to my brother's life. My sister has been taking it upon herself to do things that really his wife should be doing. But, my brother and his wife don't communicate, it seems at all, although they live together. They have a very dysfunctional family, w/their four grown kids still living w/mommy & daddy. Anyway, my sister had been calling me, to give me updates before, during and after this surgery my brother just had. I immediately realized via these conversations that she was becoming way too involved in doctor's appointments w/my brother, and having sympathy for the fact that he has no moral support from his own wife, and not much either from his kids.
My sister just basically was over stepping her boundaries, and of course using the reason, of someone's got to do it, someone has to fix it, all of those things. She did almost recruit me in to that mess, on one occasion. But after I slept on it, I came to my senses and it made me angry! So I had to be oh so diplomatic w/sister on this front. But I did tell her I could be morally supportive, and I was by calling my brother throughout all of this. He lives kind of far from me. But I've also sent him articles about nutrition, and things that could help him become more aware about his condition. In these conversations with my sister it was a reminder about also creating my boundaries. I am the eldest in my family amongst all of the siblings. So I was the one at a very young age at the helm. I was constantly being emotionally dragged into many family issues, I came to realize much later as an adult, issues that were not even mine. I'm understanding now, that this is where we unfortunately start to get our boundaries with people very unclear. So recently, when my sister would try to push guilt buttons with me, I'd remind her, that although I really felt for my brother because of his health concerns, I did not feel the emotional responsibility to go there and try to figure his family situation out, neither with his wife, nor kids. They're a family, and as such that's for them to do their own work. It wasn't easy saying some of the things that I said to my sister, either I know I hit some nerves with her regarding her youngest daughter. But quite honestly, it felt good to stand up for myself. Anyway, I just wanted to share some of my feelings about this with some of you. Thank you to all, as you've helped me get here too. Let's remember that we cannot be responsible for no other person's happiness but our own. Love & light to all my friends, Margeaux

SS~Your advice is great!! I have suggested to my sister several times to go on line and create an on line account with mom's bank. It will be under mom's name so she will not know. My sis is dragging her heels because she is like my mom in the sense that they are both very black and white, there are no grey areas. My sis wants time lines to go by as to when to take her driver's license away, when do we do this or that. I think after we have talked with the attorney on May 2nd, she will go ahead and set up the on line banking. The POA that we have is for when mom can no longer make decisions for herself but we will find out more of what we can actually do when we talk with attorney. The problem with POA's is that they are written in general terms because of family members who have abused their elders in terms of money, etc. Ours is very general.
Margeaux~I do believe I am in touch with the situation, it is my sis who still believes she can try to talk with mom and possibly reach a solution. I say we just have to act behind her back because she is never going to be happy with anything we do or say. My mom has on personality for people who are not family. The people she talks to at church probably think she is this poor little old lady who is not very informed so they tell her what she wants to hear which encourages her to trust them. We the family, tell her the truth and she becomes Cruella de Vil, Lol!! I would think if she removed us as having POA, we would have received a letter from her attorney. Mom is too cheap to spend the money to re-do it and she is not very informed on how to go about things because she lives her life as though it were the 1950's. Yes, I recent having to spend money out of my pocket to deal with my mother. She is the one who set up the living trust and placed my sis and me with DPOA. I dislike thinking or saying that we can be reimbursed through her estate in the end, that makes me feel like I am taking her money, but I am logical enough to know that it is owed to us.
SS, Margeaux~I believe I am removed enough from mom that I have no problem reporting to DMV. Sis feels that because is first on the POA and I am second that she should be the one to do this (Black and White thinking). At the May 2 appt. I will bring all this up with the attorney because my sis is just to black and white for me. I am doing all I can to keep our relationship in tact. I am going to have my sis give me the password for the on line account, not because I don't trust her, because she does not have a computer at home and she will have to establish it on her computer at work. Love to all of you and I appreciate the feedback, it helps so much having all of you to talk to. I hope everyone has a great weekend, I will keep you all posted as things unfold♥!!

Sharynmarie, WOW! Your mom sounds as if she kind of behaves like my aunt.
She was never the kind person, as I told you in the other post. She was real tight w/her money. This description you gave about your mom talking to people at church and in essence gaining their sympathy, my aunt did the very same thing w/the paid caregivers that my sister has had there. Cruella de Ville totally applied also over here! Your sister kind of sounds like my sister. My sister is in control, way more than I. My sister also is this take care of business type, which on the one hand is good and I try to be fair, so I do admire this in her. But the other side of this, is she over does everything, so such a controller. My sister also enjoys tons of drama, and I realize that when there is none, she goes around creating it.
Well, Sharynmarie when I wrote my post, I hope it didn't come off as if I was assuming some things here, but I do try to understand and honestly you are so caring and I get the definite feeling that your concerns are genuine. You are doing the right thing. But I'm sure you have your challenges w/your sister also.
Well, today I go relieve my sister for the weekend to take care of mom. Mom at least is pretty manageable with her ALZ. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks since my husband had a flu bug, then I caught it and didn't want to go over there while I still felt contagious. My sister is getting out of town w/her beau, who is a very nice guy. I'm just hoping that her 22 yr. old daughter, who is the only one now living there w/mom and sister currently isn't there much. She's a PIA! She was raised very differently from my sister and me, in terms of helping out. Everything, and I mean everything is done for this primadona. My sister even pays her car payment. Oh well! But I'm looking forward to going to see mom. She just turned 91 two weeks ago. If she feels up to it, maybe I'll take her and her friend since childhood for breakfast. O.K., Sharynmarie, I wish you the best with the DL issue, and everything. Have a wonderful weekend. Love & light, Margeaux

Margeaux, you did not come across that way, I just thought I would clarify the situation. After we talk with an attorney, my sis will start taking some action. I understand her concern because we don't want anything to backfire on us so it is best to proceed with caution, I get impatient. We both want mom to be safe and we don't want someone taking advantage of her. She started a kitchen fire in Jan. by putting Vicks Vapor Rub in a pan and heating it. That is what started mom's wrath of accusations because we wanted her to have a current memory test in hopes to get her on some meds. She stormed out of the Dr. office that day refusing the test or to see a neurologist. We want her to live as independently as she can for as long as possible. I sent my sis a list of home healthcare services that she is going to call and start interviewing. Northern California Alzheimer's Aid Society told sis to get started on this. My sis doesn't think we will need to get a conservatorship, but we will see what the attorney advises. Mom doesn't trust us because she is what I believe is a paranoid personality disorder as well as alzheimer's.

I am glad you are feeling better, the flu can take a while to shake. It is good that you are giving your sister a break and I hope the time you spend with your mom is enjoyable. I am working the weekend, not off till Tuesday and it is going to be a hot weekend for us here in NorCal. Already using the a/c~too HOT at night for me, Lol! Enjoy your weekend♥!!

I guess I have been set free of my sister, but I'm not sure I'm how I really feel about it. I took my first break in 5 months from my sister at the end of March. I had discussed with her, told her she would be staying with my brother which did not please her. I told her there was no other alternative. I knew there would be no cooperation, so I sneaked into her room and packed just enough for her to overnight at my brothers. Secretly stashed the bag in the car and then told her a fiblet - Jer wants us to come down for b'day cake for Mark, our nephew. Got her in the house, slipped out the backdoor and just left. (My sister-in-law and brother knew the plan.)

Of course when she realized I had left and was not returning, the fit began. Unfortunately my sister can have quite a foul mouth and our 8 yr. old niece was in the other room. It was a nightmare for my brother and his family. They had to hide the phones since she kept trying to call people and tell them she was being held captive. My sister-in-law called and asked me to call our close cousins and let them know the situation It took a few days and some sedatives from a doctor, but I guess she calmed down. I had already scheduled my next break which would be a Bermuda cruise, and I knew my brother and his family could not withstand another episode like this.

My brother has decided that the best placement is still the one he originally wanted in Nov. 2011 - an assisted living facility. He says he can see that she is taking her toll on me, and I also believe that he knows that anytime I want to go away we will endure this lack of cooperation or beed to hire 24/7 caregivers for a week or 10 days at a time.

I feel sure that part of my internal flip-flopping is a close cousin who seems to think that this might not be the right placement. I think she rationally knows we have few choices and that no doubt she would have far more social interaction in ALF, yet an undertone exists as if she thinks we are going to lock her in there and forget her. I admit, there are times I feel JUST that way, but I know that I will etreat from the valley of hurt and visit her and take her out places.

Thank goodness my other close cousin with whom we have had a bit of a distance over the past few years over her interaction with her mother, our only remaining aunt, heartily endorses our decision. She is a far more dispassionate individual. Those of you in nursing will understand the persoanlity differences between these 2 nurse cousins when I tell you cousin A, the one who is concerned about our decision was a pediatric nurse and did home health care; cousin B is the nurse manager in an O.R. ("Just the facts" don't bother me with awake patients!)

I guess all we need now is a plan for the move in which is coming May 1. I've read on other boards that the best way will be for one contingent to move some of her personal belongings into her new room and the other to take her out for the day and just "happen" to wind up there.

She's been to the facility and it's lovely, actually far more than she can truly afford. She will not, however, make a statement one way or the other about her feelings on it. Sometimes my brother and I don't think she knows what's going on and then the next cousin A tells me that my sister has called and left a message on her machine that her brother and sister are going to put her in a place she doesn't want to be. Geez....even when she had full command of her senses she would never make a decision. It always allowed her to blame a poor outcome on someone else. The one whose advice she followed. WHEW!

Margeaux and Sharyonmarie, -- at least you HAVE a sister you can deal with, black and white, good or bad. My sister is undiagnosed bi-polar, very paranoid, just a bag of nerves, and after my parents money. When we moved my parents to live near me a few years back, I had to go through old checkbook registers to determine their monthly expenses so I could figure out how much they could afford for rent. In doing so, I saw check after check, $75, then $100, then $125, one for $2,000 and so on....written to my sister, whom at the, was receiving almost $10k a month in child support. Yes, that number is correct. $10,000/month!! Yet, she was skimming funds from my parents and claimed to have too many bills. Didn't work and hasn't in almost 20 years!! Give me break!! She has only seen my mother once in the last year and during a recent visit, stole the checkbook and conveniently replaced it before she left. She also did not visit my Dad in the nursing home. Can you believe that? Such a looney tune!!
Anyway, so if you both have ANY relationship with a sibling helping you through your elder care issues, be grateful and take what help you can get!!! :)

xo
-SS

Margeaux - just read your long post. I love this what you said, "Let's remember that we cannot be responsible for no other person's happiness but our own." How very true and sometimes it takes a long time to realize that. I'm not there yet, but I will be. I will be....

-SS

Well I found out the situation got worse for my sister...after stealing us blind when she was suppose to be helping us besides her uncle in law's ssdi fund for her own personal use etc. She had some trouble with her neighbors and moved closer to the clan and still running her chops. I pray for her but I cannot deal with the inconsistent behavior and the dominant narcissist. She actually yell at me one time for not helping her with our other granny still alive but in a NH for not helping her. This is when my husband had his stroke and she was over doing it. I told her I have nothing against granny if she wanted my help she would ask me...you volunteer to help ur uncle in law and granny. Not me...I was currently in a position looking for work and trying to take care of my husband who had a major left side stroke between 2 grand mal seizures. Well the sad thing was before we left for Az where things have slightly improve over all for my family she got slapped by her husband for being a "selfish Bitch" not understanding the difference between being family and a control freak. She even tried to injure me and tried to get me in Jail when I was trying to get benefits from the state. As it is ...I keep praying for her and hope she is learning her mistakes from having to share quarters with her in laws this go around but due to personality issues...I can't talk to her ...she just uses ppl and I have her blocked for a good while ...things may be estranged between my mom and I but i talk to her ok and my step dad. As for my baby brother and half sister havent heard from them. My grandfather is getting some decent help from mom n dad since his prostate cancer came back. Otherwise...missing my Grandma Patsy...tired of being screwed over on my taxes and then finally getting my stamps then almost out of them. I been in a crazy state and havent had time to crochet like i normally do but once my GF/BF gets here we can support each other and get reacquainted with the adult us not the HS us.

SS~ Yes I am grateful for my sis. We have different approaches to life. She is very literal and cannot always read between the lines, needs exact time lines and someone with authority to tell her it is ok to establish an on line account under mom's name to monitor the activity. I respect her for this. I do not do things illegally, but I can read between the lines better than she can in this situation. was able to detach emotionally from our mother back in my 20's where my sis is only just now learning to do that. I have no problem making mom angry at me to protect her quality of life, where my sis still holds on to the idea that she can reason with her. To protect my relationship with my sis, I wait until we see the attorney on May 2. My sis grasps the idea that is ok to lie to a person with Alzheimer's to protect them but she has this small part of herself where she is looking to be loved by mom. Sadly that love and acceptance will never come. I spent 4 years in therapy in my thirties dealing with all that where my sis has not. If it was not for you, Margeaux, cattails, Cmag and all the others responding to my posts, I would not have the feedback that I get from this site to help me see more logically. I love that we can be honest with each other, respect each other and still offer advice. My mom has never matured to the point where she can be civil to her family because they disagree with her. Yes, all of us, be grateful for the people in our lives, family and friends!! I count all of you as friends♥!!

I forgot to mention that mom is now saying she does not know how the lady with AARP got her info to balance her checkbook. She went back to the woman took back her info and decided to have my sis do it. Time will tell if she accuses my sis of illegally getting info to balance her checkbook!!

Hang in there, Sharynmarie --I think you have your head screwwed on straight and you're doing a good job balancing your emotions.I'm getting better at that, just not there yet cause I know my bi-polar sister is going to cause unwanted and unwarrented trouble for me down the road and I have to be ready for that. Have a good week, honey!

-SS

Sharynmarie: I feel honored if anything I have said has been a help to you. Thanks for your kind words. They made my day. Cattails.

You are welcome Cattails!! I read the posts but I admit I don't always share alot because I don't want to be whiner!! You have posted many things that are common sense. Thank you everyone, have a wonderful week ahead!!

Just to clarify, I do not think any of the posts are people whinning, it is just my hang up when it comes to sharing what is really bothering me♥!1

Lol I tried not to whine but its the only way i can express things and sometimes get mistakenly taken the wrong way. I just found out my youngest niece is in a children hospital in AK with severe pneumonia and something else. If i get my sister from being bent out of shape I would help her thru this. Things are going ok...I hate sometimes you got to cut the ties that bind in order to survive..i feel some remorse from blocking my sister but I cannot help her when we have personality conflicts...just the way it is. So far everything is ok but no extreme dysfunction has shown up except for my daugher being extra sensitive lately and I am trying to get her to talk to me. I still need to take her out for cantonese/chinese once I get the chance I promised her...my son still trying to understand what makes him tick...if not its the usual bills due like the electric which I have to make a partial payment and pay my card and my cell phone n the rent...always the same old...in other news hubby is gonna see a pumologist ...i think i misspell that horribly here soon and 2 months he sees the cardio and then between the lung doctor and seizure doctor we should be fine and then lastly the stress test...and see if he can handle the surgery which is being discussed so keep us in ur thoughts and thanks again for such wonderful support.

Selfish Sibs, It must be difficult to be dealing with your situation of having a sibling such as yours, that doe not offer any help at all. In our family, we do have and have had this since my sister & me do have two brothers. My sister has been living in the same household w/mom and my recently deceased aunt. But, oh well, what are you going to do w/the non-participants? They come visit, but they'll never relieve my sister, say for a weekend or other things as such. I am very grateful for the caregiving that my sister also does, and I'm sure Sharynmarie is also. But given their personalities, we also have our challenges before us dealing with them too. In my case I'm dealing completely with a control freak sister. She too has tons of history before her, concerning lot's of parental money having gone in her direction throughout all of our lives, even way back when our dad was alive, since she was always the favorite daughter of his. In my mom's situation she wasn't, but in our culture it counts tons if you've had children, She has two daughters, I've have none. So there are plenty of politics going on here also, that I must face constantly whilst I engage over there w/sister and mom. Anyway, I just wanted for you to know that although sometimes we think that because you do have a sibling participating, one can't know what that sometimes can also involve.

Cmagnum, How are you doing today? I've been wanting to write to you.
I hope things are getting a bit better for you. Is your wife feeling a bit better also?
This is a lot that you've been dealing with. Hopefully, if your wife feels better, maybe this will also change the vibes a bit in your household. But yes, if you have some sunlight out your way, I forget if it was Cattails or Sharynmarie who suggested you sit out there. Do you have some good music you can put on. I find that many times this can change the whole mood. Well anyway, I just want to send you some good vibes in hopes that today is brighter for you and yours!
Love & light, Margeaux