notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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How are you, husband and your dad doing? I hope all is well. Margeaux
Thanks for asking. Sending love to everyone. Cattails.
Detaching oneself from some of the things they say, especially as in your case where you feel it's unleashed issues from the past concerning your family, is key. If you felt as if she wasn't even sure she was talking to you, there's most likely lot's of confusion going on. I think also, one has to assess possibly even under the best of circumstances, e.g., if one didn't have ALZ, we must be careful to what we give merit to. Each person is giving their own interpretation as to what they perceive as truth.
I have made attempts at sharing this with my sister, when she reacts, or becomes emotionally engulfed by some of mom's statements. But in my sister's case she is trying to recapture some moment from the past w/mom, we actually never had, on account of the dysfunction. Mom, was emotionally unavailable. Now that I've grown some, I've analyzed this as, mom couldn't be there emotionally even for herself. So how could she be there for others? Looking at it this way, has helped me to be in a position of the observer of sorts. It really removes you from the equation of being so affected by it all.
Your brother seems quite removed from family situations, and if you say he has not been around for 8 years do you think that talking about these matters are going to clear anything up for you? It's difficult in our family to discuss things, especially with my two brothers. They too, aren't in touch really enough with what is going on with our mother and the ALZ. One is very hyper, so you can't get a word in edge wise with him. Plus, he just wears me out saying hello, how are you, not the listener at all.
The other one, is the extreme opposite, very quiet. They do both call, and show up on holidays. But my sister and me are the ones that deal more directly with mom's care. I know my brother's, and the kind of past issues in our family, are just beyond the realm of any discussion. Besides, I really think men relate to all of this very differently than women do. My sister and me can have these kinds of talks, but we are very close in age and have had lot's of communication throughout the years. I wish you the best, hope some of this helps, Margeaux
My sis and I spoke with an attorney earlier this morning regarding our DPOA and the situation with mom. He looked over the DPOA and told us we need to get a licensed physician to give us a certificate of incapacity to activate the DPOA. Once we have that, we can go back to my mom's attorney who wrote her living trust and the DPOA's and her attorney will then work with us. The certificate of incapacity allows us to have control over her finances but not over her physically, meaning that if we want home healthcare to come to her home to help her out, we can't force it on her without having a conservatorship. We cannot place her in a NH if she doesn't want to go without a conservatorship.Eventually she will have to be placed but right now we want her to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible. It looks like we have no choice but to get a conservatorship. I had hoped to avoid that because of the cost, and I am guessing maybe $2,000.00. The attorney said it will take 6-9 months, closer to 9 months. So here we go to the next step, not an easy one as no one wants to have their parent certified as incompetent. Enjoy the day and take care!!
I have been doing this for 4 years. I have 2 sisters, 1 brother, 2 bil, 2 sil (another brother is deceased). There are 9 grandchildren (youngest is 17), several spouses of those, and 6 or 7 great - grandchildren. None of them visit Mom at all. I have managed to get my sisters to see Mom briefly a few times. But in 4 years all combined they have spent less than 4 hours with her.
I own a house that I have substantial problems maintaining it and my mother's home. I got a notice from the city (which is about to be totally resolved). However, when it was published in a newspaper as required by city ordinance. One of my adult nieces sent out a mass email / text messages to her friends and family laughing about my situation. Never occurs to them to offer to help.
I just posted on financial matters that my brother (circumstantial at this point) appears to have abused a power of attorney that had been revoked. He used it to make changes to financial accounts - long story - but when Dad still trusted them (and I lived out of state) they rearranged accounts because they were considering putting Mom in out of home care and they had to put assets so that she would be impoverished spouse. They were to be returned to my parents, but my brother refused. Dad did not pursue it - he had grown tired of the fighting.
I have and will continue to give everything to care for Mom. I love being with her. But I hate so much the abusiveness of my siblings and their lack of willingness to just visit - not even help - just visit her and that they have convinced all Mom's grandchildren that it is not worth visiting because Mom will not recognize them.
Since posting I got email from an attorney and might get some answers this week. I am bracing myself for major issues when we lose Mom. I won't go into details, but they put Mom through living hell when Dad died. But I was able to get all resolved and keep Mom in her home where she wants to be.
Have you tried telling your mom you are trying to find your brother, but not sure where he is - or something like that which is true and letting her know you are trying. Maybe make contact and let him know about how she is doing without asking him to visit until you build a bit more communication. It's hard, but he is her son. I am protective of my mother also. Maybe get someone else to be part of the visit - i.e. social worker from hospice (if you have hospice) or someone like that who can help set boundaries and deal with the hard parts so you do not have to do it.
vhope: Try to track down your long lost brother. You are doing this for your mom, to honor a wish that most mothers would have. Maybe your other brother can help with the search. The goal would be for her to see him. As hard as it may be, if you find him don't put any judgment on him. Just open the door and invite him in.
Understand I am not saying you need to tolerate bad behavior, but if you are welcoming and kind hopefully his behavior will be acceptable and your mom will be happy. You don't have to house him, support him, indulge him or forgive him, just welcome him during this time and be grateful that you can give your mom such an amazing gift. Having said all that, you know more than I, so I will leave it to your wisdom.
Good night and blessing to everyone. Cattails.
In our family also, we have a brother who caused many problems behind the POA, which he used to be. He was demoted though because he wasn't up to the job, so now my sister is in charge. Of course there was fall out behind this change, as I'm sure there always occurs in families. The rest of the siblings though never put any bad vibes out to this brother though, and always left it up to him, to continue any contact w/our mom. So really, that's all anyone can do, and if it makes mom happy, well that's the first and foremost reason for any of this to happen. At least there are still some people with a moral compass in the universe. Love & lots of light! Margeaux
Mom has a big two story home. Her bedroom is downstairs.
My sister who lives there sleeps upstairs. So she pays caregivers to sleep w/mom since she'd like to prevent any falls if mom has to get up to use the bathroom during the night. Mom has had a few falls the past few years. My sister has this arrangement in place, as she works a 40 hr. job on top of living there w/our mother.
Mom's narcissistic sister just passed away three mos. ago, in the bedroom she shared w/mom. She did Hospice there. Each time I go over there, I can really feel my aunt's energy in that household. So it makes it so difficult for me to get any sleep, no less in that bedroom. My sister doesn't feel any of this, but possibly since she's the one living there. Has anyone dealt w/something similar? I'd like to do some energy clearing, as I feel very drained after I've spent the night there.
You can tell I've haven't had my second cup of Joe, since I didn't sign the post about clearing energy. That was moi! Margeaux
The other day, when I went to sit mom, I did see her car in the driveway. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. Then about 6:00, I decided to go upstairs just to see if she was there. Well, her bedroom door was open, and I could see her foot on the bed; she was sleeping. She sleeps all day, but oh boy, she comes alive at night. Sure enough, I heard the front door slam about an hour later, and she never came to say hello.
So the next day, my sister returned early in the a.m. We were done w/breakfast, and my niece came downstairs, again not really saying hello. I had to initiate it.
Now because of her obvious attitude w/me, I by no means go out of my way.
She then turned into this 12 yr. old, telling my sister that she was starving. So my sister jumped right to it, and started to ask her what she wanted to eat. My sister just caters so much to her, and I know that she doesn't so much as help my sister, when needed w/mom. I was getting ready to leave, and niece starts to give me the third degree about an ex-negative friend from my past. She asked something like, "what ever happened to Lila"? To which I responded, something like she's part of my past. Niece, continued to prod, "yeah but, what happened, did you guys have a fight, what was it about." I couldn't believe the audacious tone coming from her. She said this in front of my sister. I of course, gave her a very general answer. So you see, how rough around the edges this niece is? My sister hasn't instilled even, what we were taught, not to ask people way older than you intrusive questions. The thing that really gets under my skin, is she says things like this in front of her mom, and my sister doesn't at all tell her, anything. Can anyone give me some insight here? These are some of the things also about going over there at my mom's that I don't like to have to come up against. Interesting, how some .....now I'm going to be not so nice, "PUNK," can't say hello, but thinks she is privy to info. about my business. It's very difficult to say anything to my sister about her daughter. It's the kind of situation in which a parent w/always diffuse, make explanations, etc. So I'm w/any of you who are concerned about grandkids and the like who just take up space. Margeaux
Haven't been on this thread for a while, but read it daily. You all are doing so well.
Izzie - how are you doing? You made a good decision to place your mum with your sis when you had to take your son to hospital. How is he?
Banshee -miss you and wondering how u r.
austin, cmag, burned, many others - thinking of you
It seems so much of this is setting boundaries - we can only change our own behaviour, not anyone else's.
I get a little nervous around mothers who give their all to a child. i don't think it is healthy for either of them. Marg, all you can do is set your boundaries. I agree this niece looks like she is spoiled and has few social graces.You are not obliged to give her any information. As far as adjusting to the "atmosphere", is there another room you could sleep in? I think I would find that a bit creepy. I gather it is your mum's bedroom, so you really can't change anything in it very much. As a Christian, I would go through the house, pray and anoint door jambs etc with oil. That might seem a bit far out to some, but I have found it has good results.
The effect of growing up in a dysfunctional family is great. At 74, I am still having new insights, leanring about things, and resetting my boundaries.
Have a good day everyone
Joan
Oh yes!! I am doing the boundary thing with all of them over there. I mean, if my sister wants me to keep coming in relief for her mode, the very least I hope for is that I don't have to go to that address as I once did while our aunt was there. But isn't it interesting in our families, while we think that once one of them is no longer w/us, things are going to get more calm and positive. Now that she's gone, this niece seems to have taken center stage over there. Well, even as a small kid, I already saw some big red flags w/this one, too! O.K., I'm going to try the oil. Glad to hear from you! Hugs! Margeaux
Hi and hugs to everyone - Joan
In our family, when my sister was the re-appointed POA after our brother messed it all up, our mother's, aunt's (her sister) financial matters were in bad shape. This event happened about 4 yrs., ago and my sister was telling me that to date, she's still unscrambling this mess. There was one issue in particular where our aunt, made my sister recently believe she was no longer POA, for her. So when my sis tried communicating w/aunt's attorney, they wouldn't return calls. Finally my sister found this out on her own from that very attorney. But she was trying to address some problem about a change of title, on a property owned by aunt, which had been re-assessed. This meant taxes went up. Attorney's mistake. My sister and the other brother (nice one) who's next in line as POA, haven't pursued this error?? by that attorney, yet. I'm not at all in this mix, but I've been thinking that if they don't pursue it, that isn't good on a lot of levels. I'm a firm believer, that we shouldn't allow people to rip off our elders, or jerk them around.
You'll do well, and I'll be thinking of you! Stay strong! Margeaux
Hang in there Pineapple, I hope all settles down for you soon. I hope everyone else on this thread gets some peace and rest regarding your situations, we sure need it!!