The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yesterday, my family and I visited my mother in the nursing home. She was the most confused and sleepy that we have ever seen her. She had in her mind that I was now living in the same city with her which has not been true for almost 30 years. She also had in her head that she'd been on a trip that we know she did not take to her home town which she has been talking about more lately. We were not sure that she even knew who we were when we first got in her room. She was not very talkative at all. She would say a few words that were not always a complete sentence and then either close her eyes or stare at the TV, but when we got up to leave for we thought she had fallen asleep, she'd open her eyes and tell us not to leave. My step dad said she is like this sometimes and other days as clear as a bell. From my perspective, this was the worse we had seen her be and could not imagine her being as clear as a bell on some days. I think she is withdrawing because of realizing that she is not going to go home from the nursing home as well as her dementia is increasing. My psychiatrist told me today that dementia is worse on the family members than it is on the person who has it. That's not much consultation. Our youngest son is home from college for a few days before leaving for his summer internship. Our oldest son was not able to find a job for the summer and will live with us doing a whole lot of chores that I'm not up to doing, plus we will have to pay for two months of rent for his apartment where he is in college.

Margeaux i agree. She is so distraught no family to help feels guilty.

Mom actually like my gifts that I gave her!! She was cheerful, the drapes were open and she seemed like she was when I was a kid. Her clothes were clean and she was nice. This was last week. I let dsyf sister have mom on Mothers Day. So I called mom about 6pm last evening and she said she was home all day and that sis had dropped by for a few min but had not taken her anywhere. I got upset over that. So b/c of stubborn sis, mom had to sit home all alone on Mom's day. Sister has first dibs on mom on all the holidays but won't tell me what is going on. Mom favors sister. I have to guess and mind read on what they are doing. Oh yeah, did I mention that my husband has dementia as well. Fun, huh? Brandy

Hello to all. I am usually an "observer" to this site. Having found this topic tonight, I feel compelled to join in after my experience today. I have a 96 year mother with Alz. I also have 3 siblings although you would not have known that for most of the last 20 yrs. Mom lives 2 doors away from me so I have been primary caregiver with health and property POA. This year the money ran out for paying for live-ins at Mom's. The "family" decided that we would try to keep Mom in her home. This requires live-in help so Sib1 and Sib2 each stay 3 1/2 days per week with me overseeing and spelling them. (Sib3 still works and takes care of a disabled wife.)Sib2 is retired and she has helped off and on. Sib1 is on disability from plumbing and he has only started to be a presence in the last 2 yrs. For all intents and purposes he does not know the disease nor does he want to learn. Having a wife who is an RN in children's oncology apparently qualifies him as a valuable player with a valuable resource. I did not realize that I would be walking into a hornet's nest upon entering Mom's house today. Sib1 would not allow me to show him how the ER doc instructed us on dressing Mom's wound (which Sib1 accidentally caused). He took offense at me questioning his "knowledge" which is based on his changing his own wounds in the past. This escalated to a verbal assault that went on for almost one hour. It almost came to a blow except that he "doesn't hit women". What a gentleman. I was told that I hardly did anything because there were paid caregivers there. (I maintained the household, finances, all doctor appts., spelling the caregivers, etc., etc.) Instead of raising my daughter and then caring for Mom I should have gotten a job. (Remember - Mrs.Sib1 is an RN at a hosp.) Then he attacked my marriage using me info I had told him in confidence (stupid me). All the while, the dog cowered at Sib2's feet, Mom distressed in her bedroom, and Sib2 sat silently observing. I tried to fight back but I do not like confrontation. I had to walk out and left the 2 sibs with Mom and I do not want to return. I will not deal with such negative energy, but what do I do about Mom? I have suffered the cumulative effects of years of dealing with Mom and her disease. I have spent days at a time with her and I cannot deal with it one on one like that anymore. That is why the sibs took that job. Now they feel that I am controlling when I tell them what to do. One is pigheaded and the other lazy. So I have to manage them like they are new employees. But not anymore. I want out. I just feel for Mom. When she is distressed she calls me. (Remarkably, she still can dial my phone number.) I am exhausted and sick to my stomach. He should have just punched me. He is a cruel jerk. He must have dealt with sh-t too long in his plumbing days and mistakes me for it. I can't even eat. I came home and have been crying off and on for hours. I hope I can sleep. I dread tomorrow.

Marie bilmo has the right idea you are two houses apart right next time your brother starts on you like the bullie he thinks he is just call 911 tell them its domestic they will be there like now & thats all you say till they come explain what your brother is doing at least they will make him leave. I feel so bad for you to just go home & cry I would probaly do same thing. I try to tell my SIL to do things my way Goes in ine ear & out other only thing is she never watches her mom much so guess don't matter anyway. She does hair she thinks she is a RN lol... Then MIL don't ask her to do anything for her anyway she tells me oh she is so pushy & rough ugh I hate for her to do anything for me.
Bilmo I like your attitude You should be one of those home care managers or whatever they call them anyway You could probaly clean house with some of these darn siblings on here... I love your picture on here too sooo pretty is that of arizona?

I need to hear from anyone who's family has been torn apart due to caregiving and one person feeling responsible and trying to do everything because they live with the person, not letting others help, one family member continues to try and help but it only causes problems, and then when the caregiver gets extreme burnout they blame the other family member for not helping, a big screaming match follows and now no one is speaking yet the caregiving needs to go on.

bananamarie, I really feel for you. I have a sib that is much the same way. Without knowing the full story as how much you are required to take care of your mom, it is diff for me to say what to do. But believe me, I am on your side. My advice is for you to back off for a while and let your dysf sibs take care of mom, since sib1 knows everything or at least he thinks he knows everything. Take care. I am there for you in spirit.

Bilmo, thank you for your comments. I laughed so hard with your first comment that I almost forgot what had happened. I love your humor. By the way, my daughter gave me a beautiful card for Mother's Day. Job? I am hoping for some funding to study gerontology, believe it or not. The job has to wait because I am preoccupied with Mom and my garden. My husband is planning to "have a talk" with the bully who has bullied me for years and I finally stood up to him. Conflict and being mad (which you could sense in my writing) sure does sap my energy. I really do not like confrontation. Thanks also to the others for your support. The news is that Sib1 and Sib2 decided to pay someone to come in for the next few days until Sib2 does her few days again. The bully is out of the picture for good. He couldn't handle Mom or me I guess. We don't know what we will do after next week. They think they can pool their money to continue with a paid caregiver and then Sib2 will do the other days. Sounds good to me.

bill, as always, I enjoy your posts. - kick azz all you like. Anger is exhausting, but sometimes you have to express it to. I was the kid who stood up for the kids who were being bullied too. One time one of my kids came home from the playground and told me that another kid was threatening my youngest with a crowbar. Picture this - hair in curlers, clad in polyester pants and a t shirt, fluffy pink slippers on, I marched to the playground, walked up to the surprised kid (my appearance may have worked for me), grabbed the crowbar from him and jabbed it in his direction, and said, ":You want crowbar, I'll give you crowbar", He fled, and I followed him all the way to his house, waving the crowbar at him. That was the end of bullying from that child. What I see here in terms of dysf fam members is much the same, sometimes you have to take the crowbar from them, and wave it back at them.

tbailey, I agree and those people who think they know everything - aaaaargh!

1234, -there is lots of family strife for one reason or another reported by individuals here - whether someone is perceived as not helping enough or whatever, Sounds like you have a martyr who is also a control freak in your fam. - let me know if I am off base. Blaming someone else for your own burnout, when help has been offered, is not healthy, and doesn't solve anything. Sounds like that person has a lot of anger. Can you write out how you are willing/able to help ( I am assuming it is you who is trying to help), give it to the caregiver, and suggest that you both get together and discuss it sensibly, and develop some kind of a routine, for help/breaks for the caregiver?

brandy - hi -how are you doing? You have a heavy load with your mum and sis and also your husband.

(((((((marie)))))) every little triumph is a big one. That is great. I think many of us who grew up in dysf fams don't like confrontation. I am work on being assertive, stating my case, which is not necessarly confrontation, but uses "I" statements. Developing your own life, (even gerontology) apart from your mum is healthy - if only in very small steps. Good for your husband - I wish him great success in his "talk:" amd good for you for standing up to your bro. I have made some similar changes recently (never too old to learn) - just asserting myself and letting the sib know that I will not take cr*p any more. They think that you can't do without them, and take advantage of that. Well, wake up and smell the coffee! I am doing just fine without you in my life. As for any appreciation for taking the role of the caregiver - uh uh, nil, zilch, zippo - criticism instead. BTW being assertive is not energy sapping - rather the opposite.

All of you here deserve medals!
love hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
Joan

cmag, I just remembered that you mentioned a decline in your mum. It is not easy seeing a fam member go down hill. I am sorry she is declining, yet it is inevitable. Sometimes I wonder what the purpose is.

selfish sibs -now that is quite the situation you are in. I have a golden sib too - never any acknowledgement of wrong doing . Your idea of working off the anger energy is a good one - turn it to your benefit by walking, writing...




anyonee I have missed - not intentional =margeaus, sharyn,

Peg, I am with you that I too believe that, "life is about: breaking the cycles that harm others. And of course we cannot change the past and we can try to break the past cycle by hoping it improves for our next generation and their children as well. Not really sure if it will be any calmer but its worth a shot.

I come from divorce parents and I am guilty myself from my past. In the process, I felt like I was the mom & dad raising my child. However, a few yrs later I did get remarried for the 3rd time and yes, I said 3 of them. I had jump from frying-pan right into the fire when I was in my teenage yrs trying to get out from an abusive-alcoholic parent life. Of course, I thought I was all grown-up and partly because, I had a lot of responsibilties while living with my mom and my little brother n sister. I am the middle age child of six of us kids and I am the shortest. We have even talked about that we could write a book on our lives and how we all came out somewhat normal. ; )
I cannot wait to see other people stories on this topic.

lildeb, breaking life cycles that harm others is something my wife and I have been trying to do for years with the help of a lot of therapy. lildeb, I come from a divorced home as well and I know the guilt a child carries for their parent's divorce. Evidently, a large part of the reason for the divorce was a totally different view of how to raise me. Mum became a single parent when I was three; did not meet my emotional needs which she admitted when I was in my late twenties; yet raised me to focus over the years on her emotional needs and taking care of her which became like being her substitute spouse and that in itself was very abusive plus made it difficult for me to focus on my own needs and taking care of myself; as well as continued her intrusive, dominating, narcissistic control of me that I thought I'd gained all of my freedom from once I left home, but that was not true.

Furthermore, after I became a preteen my mother married a man primarily as an escape ticket from her hometown, plus he was an alcoholic just like her dad and later on she became an alcoholic. During high school and college it was not unusual to find her drunk on the sofa in what she had slept in the night before. Also, she mixed alcohol with the tranqulizers she had been taking since her early twenties. BTW, my dad never was and is not now an alcoholic. Part of what helped me survive my high school and college years was creating my own secondary family outside of my primary family via various friends and their parents none of whom did I ever tell exactly what my life at home was like. When I graduated from college, it was like my mother divorced my step-dad for she left him to live mainly at the beach house from then on until in her old age, her health sent her back home. This caused my step-dad to drink more when she was gone. I remember them fighting even when my wife and I would visit. They never were that close and mom never really accepted his three children, plus did not want me to get very close to them at all which was helped by only one of them actually living with us. As a teenager, I added article 13 to the bill of rights saying I had the right for people to knock before entering my room which I pinned on my door.

My wife came from a very abusive home with a very passive, dependent, but nurturing, co-dependent dad (who had been dominated by his mother) with an enslaving, narcissistic queen mommy-dearest who was much like the wicked witch of the west; tried her best to make my wife afraid of men and make her stay home to take care of her mother and father as they aged over the years. While my wife does have an identical twin sister, my wife's mother focused totally in on her and let her husband basically raise the other daughter. Part of this dynamic meant that my wife became like a substitute emotional spouse for her mother. This really worked havoc in our marriage when we had children. For years, I walked on eggshells around the impact of all of these issues until I just had had enough, wanted my own life back-which I did not even know how to define-wanted to protect my boys from the dramatic havoc of our lives due to both the issues of mommy dearest, but the conflict in my wife's soul between being a focused mother on her children and being under the control of her mom which she sought to increase with the birth of each child; and I was tired of fighting my wife's battles with her mother for her. So, I was the first to set boundaries which at first my wife did not understand, but she came around to stand up to her mother herself and set some healthy boundaries with her. Finally, I felt like I had my wife back and our two boys felt like they had their mother back, but for a while there we all lived through pure hell and I felt like a single parent with three children at home. Near the end of all that mess and when I started setting boundaries, I also got each boy into therapy, plus myself as well. It is needless to say, but my mother in law often makes me feel like I don't exist. Her husband was the most enslaved spouse that I've ever seen and my wife ended up trying to do that to me as well as treating the boys like her mother did to her both of which she later acknowledged to have done to us as her therapy and DBT group helped her gain more self insight.

My wife and I had such struggles getting much freedom from our past that I seriously believe it contributed to our dating for 5 years before getting married when we were each in our early 30ties with her two years older than me.

I could write a book as well, but people would find it hard to believe how my life really was at home because my mother like her mother had and maintained such a mask of perfection in public and I had learned to have a stiff upper lip early in life and to swallow my own feelings.

I could only imagine how much worse my life would have been had my mother not gotten married again, but it was bad enough as it was. I know enough psychology and sociology from college to know how I could have turned out but by a miracle from God, I did not, although I realize that I did act out from some of my scars. My wife and I are not totally well, but we both feel like we have broken the chains of our broken childhoods in which each of us had to be like little adults and were never really allowed to be a child. Our boys are both functioning much better in college than either of us did although I can see a few scars from the past in each of them which in time they will deal with and I hope in therapy.

Thanks for reading my lengthy autobiography which seems to get longer each time I write it. Part of the reason that I went into so much detail is that my therapist and I are going over my journal entries from those 'hellish years' to help me get past that pain.

Re: Anticipated Dread for Reunions, and Attorney Meetings:

I had this going on all of last week.My brother I wrote about who was yanked from the POA, for mom and her recently deceased sister has been making a re-entry into our family. Of course my sister, younger brother and me have been morally supporting him especially w/the recent Prostate surgery he had.

Well last week this brother, Golden Boy, called to say they were having a birthday party for his 7 yr. old grand daughter, of course at his home since grandchild lives there w/the unwed mom, a new baby & her boyfriend. Honestly, I didn't want to go to this, as I'm not really so bonded up w/any of his clan. But, after much thought, my husband and me decided to go. I convinced myself to take the high road and all of that. Truth be told...guilt.

So when we arrived at his place, as we entered escorting mom, as she at 92 yrs.,
isn't waling very steadily nowadays we were stopped by Golden Boy. He wanted to talk to sis and me. He asked that we not ask for his wife, as they had a huge fight the night before. Wife left, didn't sleep there and would not be at the party.

Then a niece who has been super disrespectful, a user and spent time in jail showed up w/fiance. Of course she stopped their w/mom (her grandma) to give her a kiss. Then she pecked my sister on the cheek, but in a forced way.
I got a nod of the head by her.WOW! That's fine by me, because I can't even see this girl in a picture! Anyway all this happened even before we arrived in the backyard.

Now we were confronted by many younger people, ages of my brother's kid's.... in their 20's. There was one guy there w/a tatoo coming up his neck onto his bald head. That didn't al all seem like a kids birthday party. I felt as if we were at Alpine Village attending a beer fest. This was the theme of this party.

The "B" day girl's parents never gathered the kids together to play any games, and there was a cute pinata there. The kids were being baby sat by this big infatable castle they were jumping in probably the three hours my husband and me spent there. Every now and then the castle was becoming deflated, and the kids were still jumping, and screaming becoming piled on top of one another. My husband and me would go over there, to tell the kids to climb out, as not to get hurt. Do you think any of the parents ever got up to do this, NO! They were too busy socializing and having their beer. After 3 hrs. there, my husband gave me the high sign, he'd had enough, so had I!

We left, and I felt a combination of drained, depressed and kicking myself for not going w/my instincts of not going down there. Isn't it interesting though how a death in a family, someone near the end, or even births... makes people come out of the wood work. Many times also, it's the very people we have issues with, and really don't want to see.

Sp Emjo, I know you have your mom's birthday party pending. I took my camera with me, and rather distracted myself taking photos. I also was sitting w/my sister in law, who I can relate to. Do some meditations before you go also, or prayers for the protective thing. I do hope you have some kind of fun there also. Wow, your mom is turning 100. That's something in and of itself. Well, Happy Birthday to her!
Take care of yourself, and I'll be thinking about you!

Bilmo, I know you have this Trust meeting pending. Yikes! That would scare me too, given the situation! You also, try some meditations, medications...ha, ha..I'm going w/your Excedrin thing. I'll also be thinking of you too! Deep breadths, Love & light to all,
Margeaux

Hi Cmagnum,
How are you and your wife doing? I read your post about your visit to the NH.
Do you think maybe she was just having one of those sleepy tuned out days?
But you do mention confusion.

Well, my mom seems sometimes also getting things confused when one talks to her. My sister thinks she's more alert. So about a week ago, I relieved my sister.
I ask mom very simple questions now, it's just easier for her. But she'd just been to my brother's for a visit. So I asked her if she had a good time there. She said yes, and started to tell me how cute the great grandchild is, etc. This was followed by, "Oh and then I went to see Lila." So I asked her, Lila, my neice's aunt?
She responded, "No Lila, your sister.:" Well, mom lives w/Lila, my sister. She told it to me in such a way, like she thought it an odd question. But I became aware of how the ALZ, is affecting her too. It is really difficult to gage what is going on w/them at times, isn't it? But this makes me aware, that possibly the ALZ could be progressing. I don't know how mom has processed the recent passing of her sister who lived w/her for many years.

Well Cmagnum, we can't tell what causes the confusion, but my mom was being so sleepy after taking I think Namenda. I know my sister just went to an appointment w/her Mon., and hasn't given me an update, because other dysfunction is taking precedence right now, w/our Golden Boy brother.

Possibly you might want to see what medications they are giving her, but if you sense too that your step dad may be saying certain things to her, this could cause someone in her condition confusion.

I'm happy for you and your wife that your son w/be visiting and helping you out,.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself, we missed you! Love & light! Margeaux

Margeaux, I can identify with the dysfunctional family reunions. There is one side of my family (guess which one) that I really don't care to visit for they put on such airs of perfection. Some people might mistake it for class or southern high culture, but I know better. I can tell that they don't seem to know what to do with me and my family which is ok. The other side of my family is so much more down to earth although my dad acts like his education and wealth has made him better than his raisin. Some of my friends claim that a bit of that southern high culture rubbed off on me because I'm dignified even in blue jeans.

My wife remains in a lot of pain and the doctors have not been able to do much for her pain. I hope the physical therapist that she sees at the end of this month will help her.

I'm doing better than I was when I went through that overwhelmed phase.

I think mom's condition is mainly her worsening dementia. My step-dad and his helper created confusion when they told her that I could over ride the nursing home doctor and get her home. That is not something that I view as a wise action to take. I know that my mother is on some strong anti-seizure meds, but she's been on those for years. Speaking of years, this is the start of her fourth year in the nursing home. I'm so glad that she has long term care insurance!

Changing the subject, I learned last night from my dad, that his wife has been given 6 months to live given how bad her pulmonary fibrosis has become. My dad has been very realistic about her increased decline, but my step-mother's daughter who lives in the same city and comes over a lot has been in denial about how bad off her mom is. Given how super close she and her brother are with their mother, the death of my step-mother will hit them hard. My dad has a very good long term care insurance policy and has wanted to go to assisted living for some time, but my step-mother did not, but now I think he will after she dies. Out of the guilt of his first marriage ending in divorce, he has bent over backwards trying to make that marriage work by trying to keep my rather narcissistic step-mother happy. He is so co-dependent on her that he's going to be lost without her. So, it looks like among my three elderly relatives and one elderly inlaw, that her's will be the first funeral. Sorry to be so matter of fact, but that is how I feel today.

love it bilmo..... My great neice had her daughters 4th birthday party last Sat... UH NO me & ole Granny wont be there. MY MIL being granny. I thought about it aint no way even when she gets to feeling better. Even though she always says after anyone leaves with little kids how Oh them kids got on my nerves so bad.. I need a nerve pill Oh my nerves are shot.. She never says or acts like this till they leave..

I got good news today that my testosterone level is finally normal once again after changing to a new endocrinologist. The new version of the treatment for this is double strength, condensed, and thus I don't have to buy as many bottles of it.

On a more morbid note and I don't know why my mind keeps wondering about this, but in light of what I know now, there is a high probability that with the next 6 months my step-mother will die from her pulmonary fibrosis; some time within the next year I think my MIL will die from her heart problems followed by very likely my dad dying within the next two years given how weak he is and how lost he will be without my step-mother and somewhere parallel to that time frame my step-dad might pass away given he is the same age as my dad and not in good health, as well as my mother might last another 3 or so years in the nursing home.

Okay, in addition to dealing with sibs stealing from Mom and never having anything to do with her....I have my own house and City Code Compliance has been on my case. I did all they asked, but they are saying I did not. Luckily I have a kick ass court appointed attorney who is handling it like a champ. Then there is the roofing issue at Mom's...roofers took tarp off their second day and then a huge downpour began water all over one side of the house. They also parked their trailer straddling the retaining wall and took out some flowers, and when they did the garage and redid decking all the debris fell in the garage and they left that mess. So this week got it approved for insurance to pay for the clean up. All is going well except the dehumidifiers and fans are so loud we are having to stay in a motel for a few nights. Mom is doing okay. The dog, Clancy, is doing well. We have been out this morning getting things done and came back to find the beds are not done - mom has no sheets on hers. I called. They would bring them right up. 45 minutes ago. She needs to be changed and is very tired, slumping over in her chair. But I cannot lift her high enough to get her in the other bed (Hers is a fold out couch.) (Sigh)

Cmag~I am so glad you got good news regarding your health. I am sure that is a load off your mind. I hope things improve with your family member's health issues. I know my mother has progressed with the Alz and can no longer tell the difference between me and my sis when we talk on the phone. Surprisingly enough, she thinks my sis is me all the time now. Maybe because I am the one who looks after her primarily. It surprises me because my sis is her "Golden Girl" as Margeaux has stated, LOL!! Take care of your self as your health and well being is what gives you the stamina to take care of your mom♥!
Margeaux~Alz affects them differently at different stages. As I told cmag, my mother confuses me and my sis all the time now. She continues to disregard anything we tell her and I don't expect that to change...it's what I see as her not recognizing us as adults or as separate beings from herself (personality disorder). It's a shame family get to together's are so uncomfortable. With my family I am comfortable because they accept me. My husband's family is a different story. They want me to follow their traditions,etc. and disregard anything that is about my family and I refuse to do that. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not believe I should clone myself after my mother-in-law to be accepted by them.
Pineapple~I am happy you have a great attorney working in your behalf. It will make things easier in the long run.
Bilmo~I love your sense of humor and totally get it.
I returned yesterday from visiting my son and daughter in law. There are some issues there that I have not shared. Back in February my sons MIL sent me, my husband, my daughter a message about how their family comes together in a time of need. It went on about how my DIL's brother gave my son and DIL a down payment on a car, and how brothers and sisters should help each other during times of need. All three of us were very offended with this message. If she had just posted it on F/B we would not have taken personal. My son and DIL lived with us until January 1st of this year. They were suppose to pay us $200 a month. Not because we need it, because we wanted them to know it wasn't a free ride. When they got married in 2009 they both brought debut into the marriage. My son wasn't raised that way but he doesn't seem to be able to handle money well. They lived with us without paying anything. We continued to give them money to help them out just as we did before they moved in with us.Apparently they were also getting money from DIL parents. When my son left here in NorCal to go to SoCal (San Clemente is about 375 miles south of us), he blew the engine in his car because he wasn't getting regular oil changes, etc. He then drove his wife's car for about 3 weeks when it went dead too. MIL blames my son for DIL's car biting the dust which I dont think is deserved in that short of time. Because of the message MIL sent us, my daughter (I told her not to respond) who is very assertive and does not put up with other people's garbage told MIL that she is way off base and that we as a family have helped them as much as we can without going into debut which we are not willing to do. She also told her that she was not aware that both cars had died and that she and her husband could not have helped them anyway. MIL responded that me and my husband favor her over our son. This is because when my daughter moved to Idaho, she was living with her fiance and his parents and they(daughter and son-in-to be were saving money ) While I was planning their wedding here in Norcal, my daughter surprised us by telling us they bought a house in Idaho. Her fiance did not want a formal wedding so my daughter was torn on what she wanted to do. We could not afford a big formal wedding and were planning a simple formal wedding that was going to cost us around $3,500.00. Because she was torn on what she wanted to do, we offered to give her $3,000 as a gift for her house and have an informal wedding. They went for that instead. My son and DIL had a formal wedding that cost around $10,000. We paid $500 for flowers, the tux rental for our son and my husband, 2 nights stay in a luxury hotel because his MIL want nothing but the best. We ended up spending close to $2,000. Plus we were giving them money to help them out when the wedding was over because they were and still are financially strapped. MIL stated that we should have offered my son and DIL money to get a house like we did for our daughter. I told her it was none of her business and that she is trying to place a wedge between us and our son. Please be honest, are we wrong in not giving them money for a downpayment on a house when I received a call as recently as today from a company down south that they are behind in a payment??? I just returned from a visit with my son and DIL. I offered the olive branch to MIL. She took over the conversation (she is very assertive and describes herself as having a "BIG" personality"). I took control back and told her I was not going to split hairs over our differences and that I apologize for "misunderstanding" the message she sent to us. I did this only because we will be seeing each other from time to time and yes, I am being selfish because I will demand my rights to my grandchildren regardless of what MIL may say. When my son and DIL can get out of debut, save the money for a downpayment on a house, and qualify for loan...all on their own, we will give them a monetary gift as well. Is this fair or are we showing favoritism toward our daughter??

sharynmarie I read your whole post carefully & no you are sounding fair stick to it... Myself was like your daughter well lets just say my 2 sisters had big fancy weddings my parents helped pay for. Well I'm the middle child & my husband & I kinda did things messed up see we been together since age 15. We accidently got pregnant early with our son. I was 17 going on 18 & graduating HS My husband on other hand had lost his father at a young age & recieving soc. sec. & alot of credits behind & was in trade school ffor welding & if we got married he lost his check so I graduated & got a job till he finished which he also took schooling after HS so It took 2 years by the time we were ready to marry I told my mom I knew what a dollar was worth and I was not spending all that money to impress anyone I just wanted my family to be one. So parents
knew my husband & I had plans to go see some of his family in tenn. that summer so they just gave me a small amount before vacation then rest when I got back Which I told my mom to do because I didnt need all they were giving us to blow on a trip. Its your business who cares what they think...I just hope your son isnt influenced by them he probaly knows how they are. He is around them more than you. GOOD luck...
How is your friend? Was she trying to decide to quit caregiving with no regrets was that it? just wondering...

Cmagnum, I too have relatives that love to put on airs about who they are. I have one cousin who's about five years younger than me. She is an only daughter, and grew up quite spoiled. Now as an adult, she is a principal of a high school. So any time we see her, oh boy, she always manages to remind people that she is a "professional."

Well I'm glad to hear that you're not feeling as overwhelmed as you felt I guess it was a couple of weeks ago, now? What you said about your dad and the caregiver's input, with your mom and stirring things up when they've been maybe giving her ideas that she'd leave the nursing home, I'm sure that made it extra difficult for you. So yes, this must make her feel more confused.

I know as time goes on, since I'm really learning what the effects of ALZ can do to a loved one, I'm having to realize that there could be some decline going on with mom. On account of this, I totally understand how you feel when you've written about your mom's situation. Yes, I've had my sad moments. Last year I had a grieving of sorts, realizing mom would never be the same. But now I have tried to adjust my attitude to the now. What I do is try to work with it, and try to be on the look out for changes, clues....then maybe I can put my little grain of sand to make things a bit more comfortable for her.

Well, that is good, Cmagnum, that you do have the long term insurance, and she is in the NH. So at this level, this is a very good thing. You're a good man, I know from reading here you take care of a lot of people and business. Stay strong!
Love & light! Margeaux

Thank you tbailey! I know I wrote a novel, haha, I wanted to bounce it off others that are not as close to me and wouldn't worry if they disagreed. I called my friend yesterday. She said she is checking into having her mom placed in a NH. It is her brother who is dumping guilt on her. He has told her she is selfish for not wanting to care for their mother but yet won't even come by to sit with their mom for a few hours once a week to give her a break. My friend (Sandra) is older than I and retired. She owned a small business for years. When Sandra was in her 30's her first husband died playing basketball with the guys on Saturday morning (massive heart attack). He was only 38. She remarried some years later and lost her second husband to cancer when they were in their mid 50's. Two years ago she was involved with an older gentleman who died from cancer and COPD. She has had a difficult life involving caregiving for many years. Her mother has Alz and is advanced enough now that Sandra has to bath her, dress her, brush her teeth, etc. and it is taking its toll on her emotionally and physically. I think she will follow through with placing her. She told me she went to local Alz support group meetings and they talked with her for 3 hours about the whole situation. Sandra is the sweetest lady I have ever met. You know the kind of person you meet who makes you feel comfortable from the beginning and she values people. I can't say enough about her...she is a wonderful person. As far as my son's MIL is concerned, I don't really care what she thinks. I only want peace between us because someday we will be sharing grandchildren and I don't want her interfering in that, however, I think she is will. When my son and DIL lived here in Norcal, her mother had a family thing going on in Socal so my DIL basically blew off my daughter's wedding and every get to together our family had, she had a reason not to attend. DIL wasn't like that before they got married. Thank you for reading my novel and responding. I am not upset over it because I think my husband and I are doing the right thing until they can get out of debut and show us they are going to manage their money responsibly. If they save their money and qualify for a loan to finance a house, then and only then will we give them a monetary gift. Even though we have already given them a lot of money over a period of them, MIL says that is not fair because we gave our daughter money in one lump sum. Oh well, we gave to our son and DIL where we saw the need was at the time.

sharyn - you are not being unfair -you have given your son a lot and in any case it is mone of his mil's business. Each child and their needs are different. . I think that woman will interfer with grandkids regardless of what you do, so you may as well do what you feel right about. You are right that your son doesn't know how to handle money - not your fault and now his responsibility. Glad your freind is getting some help -she has had a big load to carry
bikmo - I am on the road to the family drama in a couple of hours -wishing you well with yours on Saturday. And, from another post, you can have a romantic relationship in your 60s and 70s, The important thing is not to repeat past mistakes. I think I finally have it right. I have been done wrong too.
Margeaux, it is sad to see them go down hill, as difficult as they can be, it is still sad.
cmag -glad you are feeling better You have a lot of senior family members nearing the edge. Keep looking after you
austin, I do enjoy your encouraging posts
tbailey, sounds like you have dealt very well with quite a lot - and yes, who cares what they think
brandy - glad your mum liked your mother's day gifts, sounds like sis is a real big controller. How is your husband?
thinking of you all - if I have forgotten anyone it is not intentional - I love hearing about how everyone is doing

take care - I will check in when I am settled in the hotel.

Joan

That goes for everyone - look after you.

Sharynmarie: For what it's worth, I think you have been very fair in all you have done to help your children. I see no favoritism at all. I'm not saying this to be disrespectful to your son, but he's not proven himself capable of handling finances at this time in his life. Hopefully he will grow in that area over time.

We all want to help our kids, but each child is different. Where could they possibly afford a house in San Clemente anyway?

Hugs, Cattails

Got news that I am to take care of Mom more days. I am dreading it. I am praying for better days.

brandy -why do you have to take care of your Mom more days-you are the one with plenty on your plate with your husband -can you say no-let your sister do more-what right does she have to put more on you.

Austin, yeah I should turn her down but I need the money. I will get paid. Sometimes I wonder if any amt of money is worth it though. My husband who has dementia too, invested unwisely and lost a huge ton of money so we don't have that much money, since he has dementia he can't work, so then I was working when he, once again the dementia patient, wrecked the car and I got badly hurt and I can't work. We both have SS and some savings and no pensions, and that's it. So the extra income is nice but not the aggravation. The last time I did this, I said never again and I might again. I will keep you guys posted. I know you are there for me. Sister is giving me a choice. Brandy.

Brandy: I don't know your history and your profile is blank. If 1949 is your birth year, same for me. No doubt you have your hands full. My heart goes out to you. Fill me in on your history if you feel up to it. Love Cattails.

Thank you Joan, I do believe MIL will interfere with us regarding grandchildren as well. I would hope that my son and DIL can have a life without creditors calling everyday, but I also see them as not taking that too seriously. Good luck to you at the reunion and do what you have to to keep your sanity.
Cattails how right you are about buying a house in San Clements. Being a resort area ot is very expensive. All the homes in the city proper have been converted to appartments.

Oops I hit enter by mistake as I am typing on my kindle. My son and I had a great time together. They live 10 minutes (WALKING) from the beach. My son told me its only a 10 min. Walk mom. What he didn't tell me was it was all downhill, lol! I made him carry my tripod and we walked back to his appartment on a less steep street. Needless to say my lower back and legs were sore the next day. My son would say its not that far mom. He's 32 and I'm an out of shape 54 year old but I made it up the hill taking rest breaks.