The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Burned: Can you answer the questions I asked in my last two posts to you. I think you start to do it, but then get off track. Try to answer them. It might help.

Yes I am his paid caregiver in Az. I get paid every 2 wks and renew my certs and going thru training etc. He gets disability which is barely under 900 dollars a month. Most of that goes to rent then bills. I buy him the things he needs and i do give him money but he goes no where and stays at home. He wants to reverse because he says he is tired of seeing me stressed etc but I am use to doing all the paperwork that is involved. I have to argue with him to get him see the specialists He doesnt want to depend on me and he is fighting for his dependence which I do get but i am tired of the mood swings. I told him I am not going behind his back on anything and i do give him money but sometimes not every month can i afford to give him money because I have to pay everything off. I am trying to save some of my cash which is near impossible because he wants smokes all the time and when i tell him we do not have it he gets snippy with me. I said its either i pay the bills or we go without...we need to quit anyways but he is not up for that. So not trying to make him sound like he is losing it mentally but even his comprehension sucks at times. So I already plan to go to his appts with him but not sit on them so he can get fully mentally and further medically evaluated. Its not that I want MPA but if I were have that document active then I will be in charge of everything including medical decisions. He forgets how serious my position as mother and a caregiver shows. I told him fine go ahead and fire me but what are we gonna do about money to pay the bills so we do not end up on the streets. I work only during the night with him but when both of my kids go to the school this august then i am gonna be around someone who sleeps all day. So i am taking care of him but also taking care of what is important family. So here I am doing everything and getting bitched at for keeping it straight. Ltc forced the spend down on me or else the program would of stopped. I keep it going cuz he has trouble with mobility and his epilepsy. He did suffer a stroke in 09 but that doesn't mean i need to be treated like a crap.

Ok Burned: You get Social Security Disability of about $900.00 per month for a family of four, plus what you make as his caregiver. Not a lot to live on.

When you talk about his Long Term Care, how does that compare to Medicaid? What does it cover? Would Medicaid cover more?

What about the life insurance policy you mentioned a while back. Is that still in force?

What do you mean about LTC forced the spend down on you. What in God's name do you have that needs to be spent down?

Burned: I think you are doing your best to keep your family off the streets. I think your husband is frustrated because it may seem to him that he has no purpose in life. He wants to feel he has some control over his life and it may be that he sees your stress, as you mentioned, and that upsets him two. I think the two are tied together.

Can he get to the bathroom on his own? Can he make himself something to eat? I think it would be wonderful for you to get an outside job and be able to see another part of life.

How much can you earn without losing benefits?

I know I ask a lot of personal questions, but I don't know what I can offer, if anything, if I don't feel I have an understanding of your situation.

If you don't want to answer the questions I have asked, just tell me. I will understand that you just need to vent.

Hugs, Cattails

Tonight, I took a very bold move in talking with my step-brother. His dad, my step-father, owes my mother over $31,000 but no payments have been made since April of 2011. Turns out that my step-brother has been dragging his feet which he admitted to and had not even gotten the durable and medical POA in his possession until recently. They were written up in 2005 and I encouraged him to take the durable POA by the register of deeds office to have it filed. Also, that is how it is activated in our state. My step-brother has been writing checks, paying his father's bills with his own signature from one of his dad's accounts for years without this durable POA in his possession.

Tonight, I reminded my step-brother of this history and that I did not understand why no payments had been made since the three of us had agreed that payments would be made on a monthly basis. I told him that in light of this history and as my mother's durable POA that from this point forward, my mother's taxes would be filed married but separate in order to make it clear whose income bears what tax amount. My mother has her own accounts and investments which she made me co-owner of with right of survivorship long ago. My step-father has income from separate sources himself. I also got my step-brother to agree to sign an agreement sheet that as his father's POA, he would pay this debt to my mother and if need be to her estate if she dies before it is paid in full.

My step-brother wanted me to wait until he saw what impact this would have on his father's taxes. I reminded my step-brother several times that because of the amount of the debt of which nothing has been paid that I am moving forward with the request to the CPA for my mother's taxes to be paid married but separate. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he did not like that very much, but however, I did not need his agreement for I was just informing him of my decision.

My step-brother is wrong about one thing though concerning the joint checking account that my step-dad and my mother have. He wants to claim that since my mother has not put any money in the joint account in years that all of the money there belongs only to his dad. I corrected him saying that in the eyes of the law both owners of a joint account have equal access to that account. However, he still wants to view it as belonging only to his dad.

The one thing that I wonder is about his Durable POA. I think there a statue of limitation for activating it by registering it with the register of deeds in NC. If that is so, the current Durable POA is not valid which also means that my step-brother has been writing and signing these checks without the proper authorization. So, I think he is going to have to get another Durable POA drawn up.

burnedncaringst, when my wife went on disability she also got some money each month from each of our boys until they turned 18. This is a benefit that the children should be getting if they are under 18.

That's right cmag and I also think Burned mentioned getting income for each child. Burned, how is that going? Are you still receiving that income? Hope you are.

I medicaid and medicare force a spend down on me because we had a few assets total more than 2000 in our names. So to protect his policies and his money they had me transfer everything into my name. My kids each recieve benefits of less than 100 dollars from his ssdi. I recieve pay as his caregiver no supplemental support for me that i am aware. The state won't even give me tanf cuz between his ssdi and my job which is less than 30 hrs a wk at 9. 60 an hr. This other job is a teacher aide job which isn't full time and still part time if I get the call from the school since I already have my finger print card clearance card. Which means I can even do day care...yes my husband can nearly take care of himself to a point so I do not need to be stuck in a house all day. Today I am just not feeling well and with the way i feel mailing those taxes out gonna have to wait until i get my next check in. I have been looking into it and he wants a house etc but then when he was payee ssa is demanding payback from us and i have to figure how to get the money. I am gonna take a nap...ttyl

omg - what a great day for me to find this discussion - I thought for sure I had the most dysfunctional family on the planet - my friends have told me I need to start writing all this down for a sequel to Mommie Dearest.........Dad , since she used her "power" after she had kicked him out, placed him in a hell hole of an assistd living - there less than 3 wks under her wonderful care, massive stroke and is now infantile - undr my husbands care from when he had brains surgery in 2010 all the way up to feb of this year, yes he had senile dementia, but he could enjoy tv, read, eat whole food, many times carry on lucid conversatio, could go out to eat, etc - because a court had deemed him incompetant in a dui case at age 85, and state attny said they did not expect him to regain competancy, mom went and took him to my sisters dui attny anyway and had my husbands dpoa revoked - we petitioned for guardianship and somewhere in here, the dui attny must have realized he goofed because Dad was not given a competancy test before he signed not only the revocation but a health surrogate paper as well which trumped his living well where my husband was executor..........even in his right mind, Dad never would have known what a health surrogate was............so now Mom petitioned for guardianship - I do believe she has lost her mind - Dad is now suffering strke and dementia and is 86 - she is 85 - my husband is 62 and still workiing at a physcal labor job and his mind is all together. I gifted Dad last year at xmas with a driftwood art "snook" (he was a fisherman) that he just loved - he has asked for it several times - the social worker advised her of the request, I left one note, then a 2nd stating it had been approved to be hung by maintenance - this is the one thing he wants because he can no longer even see the TV or hear it - but the snook would be large enuf for him to look at instead of starting at a beige wall - tonight one of the aides came in shaking her head and said she just did not understand it - seemed like she wanted him to suffer - she advised the staff that she "would not allow" that to hang in his room.................this being said, I am sure our attorney is not going to be able to negoitiate anything with her dui attny (whom I have no clue why he is taking on a guardianship case vs an elder affairs attny) - she is planning on suggesting he become a ward of the state due to the fact that this has now become a fAMILY compete, as that would allow us more input but I am sure after hearing this latest, she will not accept and attny said the health surrogate would also have to go in any negotiations.........I realize that Dad was alchoholic all his life, but to not give him the one thing he could at least look at and enjoy ??? Seeing I bought this thing for Dad for xmas and they had a marital agreement that his property was his and hers hers, and I actually have the copy of the canclld ck to the artist for 150.00 alont with a hand written receipt, I am wondering If an officer would go over to her house with me and simply request My property back because she has absolutely nothing showing its Dads property and if she has the impression that the artist gifted it to him, she is sadly mistaken............atttny does not want me to take her to small claims court as feels seeing she is so antagonistic would make things worse.........does anyone out there think I could just go on over with an officer, the photo of the fish , my cancelled ck, recpt and that she would have to return to me??

You have a huge mess and some for your dad. I'm not familar with the POA n that legal stuff but I bet someone here can give you some good advice from past experience. It so sad that she won't allow him to have the drift wood. How is that bothering her if it was hung in his room? She is either not all in the head or just plain selfish! Good luck.

Today was my first day working at a new job site (same company just transferred to my home city). I asked for the transfer to the city I live in because not only does it save gas not commuting but also because I am anticipating having to drive my mother around town for groceries, etc. when we get her off the road. Tomorrow we have an appt. with the insurance company mother's long term health care policy is through. The purpose of the appt. is so the agent can explain to my mother how the policy works and how to bill it for home healthcare. In order for us to bill this policy, mother has to be diagnosed by a neurologist since her primary ailment is Alzheimer's.She doesn't want to do this because she knows she will lose her drivers license. If she doesn't go, then she will have to pay out of pocket for home healthcare.
The whole purpose of me posting tonight is because I met a young woman at my new work site who is 29 yr. old. A year and a half ago she lost her mother very tragically. Her mother was going through some tough times emotionally...she stood in front of a train and waited!!! We all have been through soooo much garbage with our families since we were born. My heart broke into a million pieces when this young woman told me her story. She was not from a dysfunctional family in the same sense that we are familiar with so this tragedy was not something any of her family would have thought could happen. This young woman had given birth to twin girls about year before this happened and her mother was there to help and support her after she brought her double blessings home from the hospital. I can not imagine such a shock to an otherwise stable family dynamic than something as tragic as suicide in this particle way. Since this happen in the city I live in, I remember the incident because 10 days after this woman stood in front of a train, another woman did the same thing. The second woman was a young mother of two boys who was married to a wonderful husband and was from a well known family here in town. She apparently suffered from postpartum depression. My message is that we from dysfunctional families who have suffered abuse in every form imagined are not the only people who suffer because of a family member whose mental health suddenly becomes unstable. The only difference is we are used to expecting bad news and issues surfacing. Does it make us more prepared for a situation like this? I doubt it! The good news is that this young woman has a positive outlook on life and is expecting another baby. While she has gone through a horrible situation that she is still recovering from, she is also moving forward with her life with her husband and twin girls!! What an inspiration this woman is, as she showed me that life is wonderful, worth living, and that moving forward with our lives regardless of what hand we have been dealt, is most important. It is wonderful to meet people like her who give us an unexpected kick in the a$$ to move forward!

Sharyn, thanks for sharing the story. Another thing is that people need to be aware n ask for help when they feel life is starting to overwhelm them. A few people think it is weak minded to see a counselor or go to a support group. I think it's the other way around.

Sharynmarie, What a story about this young mother. Yes, she's very inspirational in the way she thinks.

Good luck with that appointment with this agent. This must be very hard for you and your sister, sounds as if your mom is quite stubborn.

I read I think a post ago by you how you became your mom's emotional support person at a very young age. I too was that person for mother. That is such a difficult position to be placed in as a child. I could certainly relate to what you wrote. But I as you, realized that she was so very emotionally immature. Truth be told, as I became older, sometimes I felt kind of like I was the parent. I think that many years later, this is what causes that ongoing tension, at times when we have to face and deal w/parents who acted like this.

O.K., I'll be thinking about you and yours in anticipation of this meeting in hopes that it goes well. Love & light, Margeaux

Emjo, how are you doing? I read about the tension you said you'd been feeling.
It's almost like a constant training of sorts for we who have experienced these difficult relatives, isn't it? Well hang in there, my friend. Remember detachment, and flexing the emotional muscle. Stay strong! Margeaux

Sharynmarie: I am thinking about you and hoping for the best with your mom's doctor appointment. Bless your co-worker. Bless you too. Cattails

lildeb~You are so right about asking for help. This young woman told me her mother was going through menopause, having a hard time of that, and she started drinking voldka. She never drank before but the drinking intensified her depression. I am sure there is more to the story that she is not telling me (which is personal to her family) I do remember when the incident happened, the newspaper said her cell phone showed that she called several people 15 minu11tes before her death. She also called family members telling them what she was going to do. Yes, please anyone who is suffering from depression who is making a plan for suicide, ask for help even if it means you are hospitalized. There is no shame in admitting you are suffering in extreme ways and believe me, your family and friends do love you and do not want to lose you. They may not always be available at a time you need them most but there are hotlines 1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255 and please always let someone know your plans before it is too late for them to react!! Love and Hugs to everyone♥!!

Margeaux and Cattails~The appt. with the insurance agent was informative. He explained to my mother everything my sis had already told. Mom was combative toward my sis especially accusing her of taking over and trying to control her life. We explained to the agent that we wanted mom to go to a neurologist to be diagnosed so that all the formalities were out of the way making it easier so when mom does need home healthcare we won't have to wait. He told us it's not necessary to it ahead of time, that when the time comes, the insurance will act quickly.That was disappointing because part of the reason we want mom to see a neurologist is to get her drivers license revoked. He also explained that the insurance bases the need for home care on 6 points. The person needing home care must be unable to meet 2 of these points, such as no longer to bathe without assistance, unable to get around the house my themselves, or leaving home and wandering around the neighborhood. He said it is to soon to get her diagnosed by a neurologist. He explained that usually home healthcare is started because mom falls at home and hurts herself...in other words something has to happen to her due to her declined mental abilities. He did tell my mother that she should be proud that she has two daughters who care about her safety and well being and are willing to look after her care as much as my sis and I are trying to do. At the same time he told my sis and me that it is very normal for elderly parents to become combative and difficult with their family members preferring to trust people outside the family because they are so terrified of losing their independence. Of course he does not know that my mother is combative, difficult and a drama maker regardless of being elderly, Lol!! I guess we are trying to move to soon to prevent her getting hurt or hurting someone else and we are back to square one. We continue doing what we have been doing which is keep a check on her.

Margeaux~ I also have felt like I was my mother's parent. I have had to reprimand her over the years for situations she should have had the common sense to know was a wrong action. This is when I started holding her accountable which caused considerable tensions between us. Even my sister (at the time I started doing this) thought I was being to hard on mom. My sister still holds on the idea that we could get a psychiatric evaluation for mom. She called me crying the other day about it. My sis's hope is to get mom on meds so we could have a normal loving relationship with her while she is still cognitive. I don't think meds will help a personality disorder where years of therapy would and it's too late for that now.
Margeaux and Cattails thank you for thinking about me, I truly appreciate the support from you, without it I would go stir crazy. Most of the time I can deal with my mother but sometime it get overwhelming and we are just beginning the caregiving. My sister still has her rose colored glasses on in hopes of an emotional relationship that sometimes I wonder if I am emotionally dead inside regarding my mother because I have no hopes of that happening. I also keep my emotions hidden which may be why I can deal with it for longer periods of time than my sister. Thank you for caring Love and Hugs!!♥

Thank you for offering this blog. I have been taking care of both parents (87 and 90) who are still living in their home, (refuse to leave), which is located within 2 miles of my home. I recently retired, father became ill and now I am spending a good part of every day in their home. My father was and still is the narcissist and my mother, after years of emotional abuse, now disengages herself and ignores him and his needs. When they are not ignoring one another, they are battling. My father begs me to stay and care for him, my mother gets depressed and withdrawls into a shell waiting to be rescued. Their income prevents them from eligibility for in home care and they will not pay out of pocket.
I hear Becky's (post above) cry for help and I understand completely. How do you separate yourself from the dysfunction? When I return to my own home to my husband and young adult kids, I am stressed out and nerves are raw. Keeping it together while caring for these two parents takes a lot of emotional energy.

I kind of understand as well for I was a parent for my alcholic, depressed mom n help take care of my little brother n sister. For all of you who r going through tough sitaution or situations, please hang on n ask for help, vent, vent, vent and I am saying a prayer or two.

as it stands ...i no longer worry about dysfunction because i limit contact with those who have called me selfish and etc ...so i feel for ya all here sometimes its just best to cut those that are making ur life hell even if u have to use a mediator but i wish the best to all.

Sharynmarie: Sorry the doc appointment didn't go the way you wanted. I don't remember, but had you give the doc a head up prior to the appointment about the driving issue? Sometimes I think doctors don't want to get into all that preventative stuff; sad to say as they should know the value of prevention. I don't know when your mom's next appointment is, but maybe you or your sis can send him a letter prior to the appointment and list your concerns. Having it in writing probably puts him in a more detrimental position to ignoring what he wants to avoid. How old is your mom and when is her license scheduled to be renewed?

I'm sorry for your sis and can understand her hope that if there is intervention maybe she can have a relationship with a mom who has not been reachable in past years. I can't help feeling for her loss and hope. On the other hand, I am grateful that you are not looking for that same outcome. I don't see it happening. Your mom will fight it all the way. As far as she is concerned, she's fine just the way she is. Disappointing I know, but so many years of living by that code. Hugs to you SM.

Teacher: You are in a difficult situation. Your parents have chosen a path and lived by it all their life. You are not going to change it now. Your dad now begs you to care for him and your mom, after years of emotional abuse, just recoils into her shell. I know this sounds very cold, but if it were me and I had the balls to do it, I would tell your dad that he must hire some in home help.

As you said, he is the narcissist. What else would a narcissist do but try to manipulate his child to give up their life to take care of him? How long do you think he will be happy with the care you can offer? My guess is his needs for your time will grow and grow. It will never be enough. So set some boundaries and don't get pulled into the web. Make a list of what you think they need and how often it needs to be done. You can do the grocery shopping once a week, but have a housekeeper come in to clean and get an in-home caregiver to do other things that you think need doing.

This is just the beginning. You have a husband and a life. If you don't protect those things you love, you will lose your quality of life and that's a bad decision to make when other choices are available. You need to give your dad some clear choices and then let him live with them. Don't fill in the gaps because that is like walking into quicksand.

Maybe when you do some grocery shopping you can take your mom with you and take a moment for lunch. Getting her out of the house for a couple of hours would be a good thing. Wishing you the best and hoping you can act on your own behalf.

Love to all, Cattails.

It has been a stressful week especially for my sis. After the meeting on Monday with the insurance for cruella deville (mother) long term health care policy, Cruellea haw been on the rampage accusing sis of stealing $1,000.00 that was deposited into savings with cruellas permission. This deposit was a few weeks ago. Not knowing that mother was giving sis a hard time all week, I called her after work today to make sure she was drinking fluids and using the a/c since we are heading into a heat wave this weekend. Cruella answered with what do you want? K do so much better when you and your sister leave me alone. I told her I was calling to see how she was and=since that is a problem I have nothing more to say to you good bye. Some times it doesnt make sense to be a decent person.

Just so you know I am referring to my mother as Cruella De Villein from 101 dalmations to provide some humorous to an otherwise stressful situation.

Sharynmarie,
What hoops one must jump through just to get safety issues addressed concerning your mom! In her condition, does she drive often anymore? Honestly, I do feel your concern in this area!

You know, I remember when things really came to a head, this was before my sister actually moved into mother's home to start the care for mom & her sister, (now deceased) 4 yrs. ago. Mom already had been diagnosed w/ALZ, so I guess that was the difference. Yes, but it was still a delicate situation for my sister to have the talk w/mom about not driving anymore. Then later, my sister told me that our brother who'd previously been the POA, not living at mom's, but supposed to be in charge of the two elderly ladies, had not paid for her car insurance coverage. Mom had been driving uninsured for about a year, prior to giving up her license! That brother no doubt was so irresponsible, it is no wonder he got the POA, revoked from him by my aunt, the narcissist.

My sister also looks through rose colored glasses at the situation w/mom. She's still waiting for mom to give her, really what mom has never been capable of giving anyone of her children. Now I think she's possibly transferring some of this to a situation going on w/our brother.

That negligent brother of ours, is the same one who I wrote about and had the prostate surgery, & recent exit by his wife. The wife hasn't returned. Not like my brother is boo hooing about that either, as we think their marriage is really caputz at this point. But now, my sister has taken on somewhat of a protective-mothering stance w/that brother. Of course all of the overstepping boundaries surface through this, and controlling on my sister's part. My sister has tried to enlist me of course, so I had to be kind of very vocal about where I stand w/respect to my brother. I being the eldest in the family, I'm so done being their mommy! Besides, I feel like I'm keeping some kind of distance w/this brother also. It wasn't in the too distanced past my brother tried to get the other 3 siblings to sign a quitclaim deed that has our names on a property left to all of us by my dad. When mom still had her senses about her,enlisted her golden son to do this. So while I love my brother, I do not like what he has tried to do in the past w/respect to mother's money, either. He has spent & mismanaged a lot of it already.

Funny thing is now, he needs morale support, because of his recent health issue, and his wife wasn't there for him, etc. On this end, oh my sister really caved in on this front. I've sent him the detached concern via phone calls, and meditations for him and his family. This is all of the involvement I really want w/him.

But it is interesting how different family members react to the dysfunction.

Well Sharynmarie, you and your sister are holding up even under the trying circumstances. It's good that she has someone like yourself to shed some objective light into the situation. Keep doing what you are doing, and sure everything w/work out for all of you. I'll keep you in my thoughts, Love & light! Margeaux

Margeaux~You are doing the right thing in regards to your brother. Isn't it ironic that the very people who will throw you under the bus, expect support when they need it! Thankfully my brother and sister are supportive but I have known other people who were like that. I hope your sister doesn't get hurt in the long run with your brother. I know my mother has put my sister through the ringer this week with phone calls at work and home. I don't know if you read my post about $1,000.00 missing from mother's checking account. This money was transferred to savings by my sister with mother's approval. My sister is the one who continues to try to please my mother hoping mother will see how loyal and dedicated sis is to helping her but it always backfires in sis's face. It's not that I don't do things too, the difference is that I do things without expectations from mother. I guess because my sis was an alcoholic her ability to recognize mother's limitations has been stunted and now that she is sober, it hits her hard. Plus my mother is shrewd in her actions. My sis is divorced, she works but has financial difficulties on one income and her health issues and mother will use that to hurt her with the accusations of stealing money from her. Mother is afraid of men, since I'm married she keeps her distance with me. That is why I call her Cruella Deville (101 Dalmations). Margeaux, you are a great daughter, sister and friend!! Keep doing what you are doing because as much as we want to be there for our families, with dysfunctional families, we must have those boundaries so we don't get lost in the dynamics of dysfunction. Love and Hugs to you, enjoy the weekend!!

I'm feeling the pain of this thread.

This week, my two younger brothers decided along with my mother that they would be her estate executors, and have power of attorney regardless of the fact that I live with her and am her primary caregiver. I was told that I am "too emotional." Then I was told I was "too old." And that I had "health problems." I don't. They met with a lawyer to update her will, and make who knows what other arrangements.

So my mother once again defaults to her sons, whom she much prefers to me, her only daughter, and her firstborn. Problem is, I'm the one who would like to see her become proactive about her health and well-being. My brothers' attitude has been and continues to be "let nature take its course."

I'm the one who bears the responsibilities for her doctor appointments, medications, etc. and who tries to keep her hydrated and properly nourished, even though my efforts meet with her constant resistance and resentment.

I'm the one who does the research on her diagnoses, asks the doctors the hard questions, keeps all of them informed about her progress, or lack thereof. I'm the one who keeps the house running, cooks, serves and cleans up after the meals. I'm the one who worries about her lack of social interaction, her refusal to leave the house, even to just sit outside in the fresh air and sun. I'm the one who gets up at night when she has nightmares.

I'm the one who tries to please her (yes... i know). But I'm the one she resents. She always makes such a fuss over my brothers, is always concerned about their welfare, always tells them she loves them.... and always in front of me.

When they're not around, she barely speaks to me. And she won't allow any sort of communication about anything of substance, so forget trying to reason with her. It's just not going to happen. When I try to talk to her, she literally balls up her fists and shuts her eyes. If I try to keep talking, she constantly interrupts and cuts me off. She refuses to communicate. And she refuses to engage in any sort of counseling or mediation that would help us salvage our dysfunctional relationship before it's too late. She tells me that she is fine... she has no problems.... there's nothing wrong with her, and she doesn't need any counseling.

So I go on my own, and try to focus on dealing with the massive rejection. Who knew that in my 50s, I could still feel so hurt, but I do.

I want to be here for her, but it's such a stressful situation. I'm powerless, of course, and the only time she will do anything positive is when my brothers ask her to.

I've been thinking of calling it quits and moving out of town, and letting my brothers make other arrangements for her care. (She says. "Whenever you get ready to go, then go right ahead." ) But then the guilt would set in, and if I moved, it would most likely drive an even deeper wedge between me and the rest of the family.

She doesn't really want me here, and our relationship is so bad that she is miserable and I'm miserable too. I don't want that for her, or me. I just don't know what to do.

After reading a few of these posts, I am uncertain if I'm in the right place. I've been looking for information and support for my situation. I don't know what to do right now. If I were in a situation like you, "jw" I would probably move away and let your brothers take care of the situation with your mother. I can relate to you in that I am the oldest of 3 daughters and have one older brother, that can do no wrong. I was daddy's little girl and he favored me growing up. Unfortunately, it cost me dearly. I have not ever been very close to my family members because of jealously over the way my dad doted upon me. Now that he is immobile after a stroke and suffering from bacterial infections and bed sores, I am standing by watching my mother slowly deteriorate also. She is diabetic, does not take good care of herself and has lost 20 lbs. since dad had his stroke a few months ago. She is very controlling and did not call me when my father was rushed to the ER. I live about 50 miles away from them and the rest of our family members are long distance. I am the only one close enough to go and help out. My mother can hardly walk, yet she still drives a car. Her feet are numb and she insists she is fine. When she recently told me she got lost and drove around for 2 hours I began to get more concerned about her safety. She will not listen to anyone, very headstrong and determined to do everything her way. When my dad is in pain at the nursing home she goes to the nurses' station and screams at them until they bring him pain medicine. She is by his side from 9 to 6 every day of the week. She feeds him every meal and does as much as possible for him to keep him comfortable. He is very ill and she is telling me that he is not going to die for 10 or 15 more years. I do not see it that way at all because I have watched him deteriorate to a point that he is barely able to talk and can not do anything for himself anymore. I don't know what to do. I have no control over anything. My mom keeps me at a distance and even sugarcoats everything over the phone. I'm expected to drop everything each time something goes awry (he went to the ER again recently) and I do but no one else in our family is supportive of me. I've received alot of criticism yet they don't understand that my mom is the one that keeps me from helping at times. It would just be easier if I moved away and then my sister that is closest with my mom would probably step up. There are other things going on about my dad's care that he does not like or want and he tells me but I can not tell my mom. He doesn't want me to say anything. I feel stuck in the middle and very sad that I don't know what to do and no one else in my family will do anything except criticize me if I don't do what they expect. Any comments will be appreciated.

Hi Popsgirl. You have found the right site. I found this site about 2 weeks ago in trying to find how other caregivers handle elderly care. I was so frustrated and yes, even suicidal, from taking care of 2 bedridden parents. I have 7 sisters and brothers and only 2 of us are the main caregivers. In the past 2 weeks, I have clicked on several discussions. I am just sooooo greatful that the parents are not as bad as most of the caregivers' parents on this site! When, I feel overwhelmed, I just come here and it reminds me of how "easy" (Not Really but compared to others - it is) I have it. I have clicked on other discussions and found a lot of helpful advice. I even made a Microsoft Word File and typed out several of those good advice. I titled it "Words of Empowerment" I was torn between Empowerment or Encouragement. Empowerment was better because it means these advice will Help Me Handle my job as caregiver to the parents...It Empowers me, gives me strength to Do what is Needed for My Sanity.

Someone will respond to your call for advice. There are sooo many people here who are in similar situation as you! You are Not Alone! I wish I can give you advice. But, since I can't, I will provide you with encouragement. Hang in there. Take care!

Jw, You mention that, "She doesn't really want me here, and our relationship is so bad that she is miserable and I'm miserable too." It sounds like it has taking a very emotional toll on you n it can make you litterly sick. Is their a reason why you don't think the brothers can do a good job helping out with your mom? Has your mom been diagnosed with any illness like Alzheimer's or Dementia? I understand u have been doing it all n that is probable why you will feel like the victim of the 'bad person,' in your mom's eyes. Why put yourself through more when you really don't have to that is if you feel your brothers will do the best they can for y'all mom. By the way, mostly anyone here could agree that if you r the caregiver that you will be 'bad-person sometimes. You also mention your 50yrs old n still feel hurt n I suggest you need to go talk to a counselor for that is a lot to have on your shoulders for so many years. You need to give yourself a break n start thinking about taking care of yourself. As for age n illnesses, I'm 47 n have Diabetes, Lupus n had a transplant n I take care of my mom-m-law (mnl). However, it does take a toll on me n without the help of my husband, I don't think I could do it on my own. If u think your brothers r just trying to take advantage of her assest rather than what is best for your mom, I would suggest talking to someone like a Social Worker or if she has AD call them in your local area n inform them about your concerns. Yet, if you think your brothers r doing what they think is best n not trying to take advantage of her then let them have it for awhile. ; ) I hope u find more useful advice here for this is a good site.

Popsgirl, you mention that your dad is, "suffering from bacterial infections and bed sores," I not sure but with your mom having diabetes n not taking care of herself n plus losing excessive weight that it seems her diabetes is out of control. She may not be able to lift your dad to rotate him so he don't get bedsores.
You also mention about your mom that, 'My mother can hardly walk, yet she still drives a car. Her feet are numb and she insists she is fine. When she recently told me she got lost and drove around for 2 hours I began to get more concerned about her safety." This is a wake-up call for all family members to step in n be concern n not just by yourself just because u live closer! Has your mom every been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or Dementia for it sounds like she has something going on n it don't sound good. If she is having trouble taking care of herself then she really not able to give the care your dad deserves. Do you know if they have insurance or medicade? I would talk to my family members n see about getting a Social Worker to check on your parents n let social worker know about your concerns n especially your mom taking 2 hr for she got lost. That is if she got lost due to declining memory n not just from taking a wrong turn. I am surprise the physician hasn't recommend something with your dad having an infection n bedsores n her own health?
This is a great site n hopefully someone else can give some better advice than I can offer. Good Luck n sorry for you r having such a hard time with the mom controlling issues.

jw: Here are some thoughts to consider. Ask your mom what she would like from you and then do what she asks. It may not be what you want, but it doesn't sound like you will ever get what you want anyway, so just toss those needs out the window.

There is a thread on AC about the narcissistic mom. It's in the discussion section of the site. See if you can find it. Maybe it will answer some of your questions.

You mom clinches her fists when you try to talk to her. That says a lot. It says, "I do not want to hear what you are saying." You have two brothers that she is more than happy to listen too. They have removed you from any decisions because they say you are too emotional. Maybe you are too emotional.

I don't mean that in a cruel way, but you desperately want something from your mom that she absolutely refuses to give to you. The hurt and frustration causes you to continue to approach your mom in an almost pleading manner and she puts up more walls to your need for her love or approval. It's like the irresistible force meets the immovable object. Nothing shifts but the determination grows on both sides.

For what it is worth, my suggestion to you is give it up. She will not hear you and she probably never has. Ask her what she wants from you and then honor her wishes. Personally, I would leave because there is nothing for you in this continuing dance of "please love me."

I don't think this is your fault. I think it is an ongoing family drama and it's pretty common in situations involving a narcissistic mother. Please look for the thread on Narcissistic Mothers and read the conversations. So many people are stuck in this drama with a mother. I hope it helps you. If you read the thread long enough you will find how many people are trapped in this going no where scenario.

Find a counselor who can help you. Not one who just takes up your time, but one who can cut to the chase.

I'm so sorry for your pain and wish I had something more hopeful to suggest, but I think you need to put your focus on saving your self.

Hugs, Cattails