The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharynmarie, the nursing home where my mother is does offer the transportation service you mentioned. You call and they put your loved one on the transportation calendar. Thursday, it was good that I went early for the CNAs had forgotten than my mother's name had been on the calendar since Tuesday. The nursing home has a rather high turner over of people and thus these CNAs did not know that my mother needs foot supports with her wheelchair and they had a time finding the right root supports for that wheel chair. The van driver had been there even earlier than I was. My mother was not awake. Nor had she eaten any breakfast. It was a total mess! Then after all of that drama to have to wait in the doctor's office an hour before seeing him and all he did was ask various questions, listen to her heart and said see you in a year. I told him if that was all he was going to do for such a painful ordeal that my mother goes through in be in a wheel chair and have to wait so long that in my opinion the doctor connected with the nursing home who makes rounds weekly can keep up with the condition of her heart. He had no problem with that.

Oh I understand better now. What an ordeal for you and your mother. I agree that making an elderly person wheelchair bound wait for an hour is outrageous. Sounds like no one was on top things that day. Atleast you and she will not have to go through that again. I hope you are doing better withnew meds I know it can take a little while to notice the difference. Take care!

I'm waiting for the meds change to kick in. I have no idea how long it takes, but I assume two weeks and on Monday it will have been one week.

Good Morning Cmagnum,

How are you doing? It sounds like you have had some stressful and frustrating days dealing with the NH, not to mention this doctor who had you and your mother waiting. My sister told me last year that when things were becoming very difficult for my aunt, health wise, (she too suffered from cardiac problems). But given many other ailments, and trouble walking, my sister thought it ridiculous her doctor's still having nurses call to try and set up appts. for a mammogram for her. Her doctor's were calling way too much, she had appointments constantly. If you're saying that the doctor at the nursing home is in touch w/what is going on w/her heart and you're comfortable with it, that should be sufficient.
I really think at times this is where family have to weigh in, on what is actually necessary, vs. making oneself and the patient totally stressed out. Take care, Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Sharynmarie,

I'm happy to hear that you are making the adjustment to you new job assignment.
These things take a bit of time. Good that your supervisor realizes the value of a worker who is consistent also. You'll do well there, and I'm sure you're a positive contribution to the team! Margeaux

Hi Margeaux -responding to your post of a few days ago, thank you. I have my hair just a little shorter now which is great for the summer. Yes, exercising detachment in necessary. and there is no being nice to some people. I am going to be contacting a counsellor who deals with PTSD, to see if I can get a little further ahead with all of this. She also deals with second half of life issues which could be interesting.
Mother's latest is physican-assisted suicide. She came out with a lot of drama just before my specialist's appointment - they always have to be worse than anyone else, and would have me focus on her, rather than looking after myself. She says her doctor told her she was on the way out, and her stomach was finished, and someone, she can't remember who, told her her heart was bad, but her doc said it sould be soon or it could be later. Well, that is true of all of us. Considering she hasn't lost a lb and has rosy cheeks, I am not too worried about her. Nothing I can do anyway. This cry wolf stuff gets very old. She has totally misunderstood the assisted -suicide situation in BC, and I am not going to try to correct her understanding as she won't believe me anyway. Her doctor can do that. It is not available at present. I don't think she would ever go through with it anyway, but it makes a good story, in her mind. I did not respond to any of this, and haven't heard from her for nearly a week! Great!

Good news -the specialist was a very nice woman. She listened to, and believed me, and switched me to a drug which does not affect my liver, as the other one could. I have been on the new one a week now, and it seems to be working, so I am very thankful. I visited a friend and also my ex mil who is 80 and looks wonderful, despite havng diabetes 2, atrial fib. and being on a CPAP, I was amazed to see how good she looks, and sounds. She still lives in her apartment, and one of her sons, and a younger friend keep an eye on her, help with grocery shopping etc. She is such a welcome contrast to my own mum.

burned -if you too could quit smoking it would really help your money situation and your health. My son and his common law did a few months ago and they are enjoying the extra $$$. I know you know this, and may get aggravated that I said something, but I just want to encourage you in that direction - people can quit. and i speak from my own experience too - I quit about 50 years ago. Sorry to hear about your twim. Sounds like detachment is best.

(((((((advocate))))))) your words about speaking with someone who is kind and loving touched my heart - glad you came here for support -we understand, and they are not likely to change

survivved2 (lisa) thanks for sharing your story -I wish I had walked away from it all when I was younger...I agree - never feel guilty for wanting peace in your life

jw - you are right - the pain of rejection from family members, especially mother, is great, I am sorry you are going through this (((((hugs))))

brandywine -I am so sorry for what you are going through re your mum's things, though I am glad she has gone to an NH. Your sister sounds like a "case". Mine is similar, in some ways, and has already taken the most valuable thing mother had. I was left to deal with everything else, and am still not finished, 2 years later. Like Lisa said on another post,m Oh well it is only a thing, and that is how i have to look at it. It is only stuff. I suspect the "stuff" is not as important as the way your sister treated you, which was not nice. ((((hugs))))

c mag - hope the meds are making a difference. I agree -why take you mum under those conditions - I think it is appalling how they want to put seniors through all those hoops - more money for them I suppose

sharyn so glad the job is working out better - I knew it would;)

bookworm -are you getting any more sleep?

selfish sibs - doesn't it make you wonder if it is worth it? Maybe there somes a time to say no.

ni2bfree - me too - need to be free - welcome - your sil sounds pretty dreadful - gimme, gimme, fimme, Glad your husband has POA and has been able to intervene. Apparently my sister wants all the money when mother dies too - would be nice if she helped a little. Going against doctors care is another level of abuse - awful. yes, continuing to do what is right, regardless - however, it does take a toll on us.

Happy 4th of July weekend to all my American friends - hope you have time to relax and be good to you.

love and (((((((((hugs))))))
Joan

the problem is i have tried to quit but my husband's won't so its a big issue but me I am halfway there.

good for you, burned, I am sure it is harder with someone on the house still smoking ((((((hugs))))

Well I delete and banned my sister from my fb account ..I was thinking doing a smart ass thing and taking her to that tv show called PPL Court but I no longer have a twin and I am no longer family anymore so that suits me fine. I was trying to mend our relationship before my husband got worse and it turn out she was using me like a paycheck and the nerve to accuse me of being a freeloader and few other things. She even attempted to throw me off her porch but we left before the end of winter. I do not know what is going thru her head but i am done. all my family has done is been courteous enough to accept my phone calls and send gift cards to use for the kids on christmas but there is a fine line between love n hate. I can say this much i have no more boulders on my shoulders.

Hi, Margeaux. I'm doing ok, just waiting to see if this med change works or if some other med change needs to be done. I've just not been up to being as active on this thread or the dysfunctional family thread as I was at one time. I'm still adjusting to the empty nest syndrome and pondering if it is time to hire someone to take care of this big yard. It is not so much cutting the grass and weed eating as it is taking care of all of the landscaping that some previous owner created here which is really beautiful, but demands a lot of effort almost year round it seems. We could hire someone to help clean the house, but our house is cluttered because we just own too much stuff. It was sad to hear that my dad gets up wondering every morning if my step-mother has died from her pulmonary fibrosis. He is not in great health either. My mother's quality of life continues to decline and my step-dad is not doing very well.

Emjo: I'm so glad to here you like your new specialist and that she changed your medication. Great news. You take care of yourself. We all love you.

cmagnum: Hope the new med adjustments help you. Take a step to do something positive regarding your yard. Hire someone to do the job, then you can just enjoy it and putter when you feel like it. You don't need another chore in your life. Wouldn't it be nice for you and your wife to just have something beautiful that you both can just enjoy without the burden of keeping it up.

I was also taken by your comment about your house being cluttered because, "You just have to much stuff." Get the care of your yard off of your shoulders and then start looking around your house. If the clutter and stuff bothers you, make some changes. Maybe the clutter and stuff doesn't bother you and I misunderstood, but I am going to post this on the premise that the clutter and stuff does bother you.

We seem to collect things over the course of our life. We have a certain decorating style and it works for us at the time. Later in life we find ourselves surrounded with our past; a style that doesn't really work for us anymore, a ton of reminders of a life that we don't live anymore, etc.

For example, we have enough Christmas decorations to do 3 houses. So much of the memories of these ornaments and items come from a time in our life when we did big family gatherings. We don't do that anymore. I've pulled them out a couple of times in the past 7 years and it literally takes us a week to put everything together. A couple of weeks would be more like it because in our new home we do more lights out doors on outdoor trees and on the house. At this point in my life, I prefer the out door decorations because to see some of the outdoor trees lighted up seems more like a celebration of nature and that makes me happy. The indoor decorations are not who I am anymore. They are who I was when I was younger. Lot's of memories, but I don't really want to live with memories anymore. That's like saying life has stopped. Now, my style inside is more simplified and I would love to gift 90 percent of the so called heirloom Christmas ornaments to my son and granddaughter. Let them have the memories and something to remember us by. Something to share with their children and grandchildren. I am moving on to who I am now, because I still AM and my story isn't over.

Hanging onto the clutter of the past can hold you back from who you are now and who you want to be. It weighs you down. When you walk into a room in your house it should reflect who you are, not who you were. Some old pieces are anchors that you want to keep, but we all change and our environments need to reflect that or they can hold us back. Maybe it's time to simplify and get a new look and celebrate who you are now.

CM: I'm going to present something for you to consider. You have spent years in counseling and so much of that has to do with your past. You have probably learned enough to hang out your own shingle. At what point do you say, "OK, I have the skills to deal with life now." I think you have enough skills for several people, but you continue with therapy that deals with the past. I think some folks can stay in therapy forever and the focus on the past can keep us from the now that we should be finding some joy in.

You are a very intelligent person and I'm just throwing this out for you to consider. We all deal with empty nest syndrome, but that's a natural occurrence. I think what makes it more painful is the fact that we don't find new interests and a way to be in this new phase of our lives. We are still creative, look at the thread you developed on AC. I know this sounds trite, but have you ever considered going back to school or taking a painting class; something that draws you into the now.

You have a big old heap on your plate, but as you said previously, within a couple of years, many of the parents and in-laws you have will have passed away. You have spent years dealing with their issues and have handled them well. No doubt there are still financial issues you have to handle for them and obligations you need to perform, but start moving yourself in a direction of new beginning. Start with hiring the yard work out.

I hope I don't offend you with this post. It comes from my heart and I would love to see you walk in the sun light and leave some things behind.

Love and Hugs, Cattails.

Emjo - Still working on my sleep. I can tell you that I had a Very Good Night sleep this morning. I slept so well, I didn't wake up at all until the alarm clock rang (slept thru that) and then 25min.later, my cell phone alarm rang. Of couse, because I slept so deeply, I didn't hear mom's coughing. Dad kept muttering about my not waking up to suction her. I still feel so exhausted.

CMagnum - a part of me knows that I need to go to therapy to help me remember my childhood. Maybe, once I remember, I can deal with most of my hang ups. But, the survivor part of me, wants nothing to do with the past. Just get help to deal with the NOW and to move forward. My oldest sis went to therapy and ended up HATING the parents. She withdrew and wanted nothing to do with them. I saw and learned. When I find a therapist, I will insist on not going into the past. If I'm to care for the parents, I must remain ignorant of the terrible ordeal of my past. Cat gave some good advice. Think of it this way, Cmagnum, at least you had therapy for the past, and have gained knowledge from these therapies, and now it's time to APPLY it to YOUR future and Your Happiness. Wouldn't that be nice? I wish I had all your experiences from these therapy -without me having to go and opening my wounds and my checkbook. You all take care!

cattails, the meds change has only had a week to work, and probably needs more time. Yes, I've been in therapy a long time. First, I started because of my bipolar disorder and needing to set some boundaries in my life for my own survival.

One important boundary was becoming less enmeshed with my wife's mental health problems which were very severe at the time. I was burned out from being after several therapists told her and me during her many hospitalizations that I had been way too tolerant about many things. At that point, back in the spring of 2002, I wanted my life back, but did not know how to define that.

Another important boundary was getting her mother out of the middle of our lives and she's the source of my wife's mental health problems. My wife agreed to this, but had a tough time at first because she was so enmeshed with her mother which is understandable knowing how she grew up and how narcissistic (but I say borderline) her mother is. Truth be told, neither one of us had much freedom from our mothers when my wife and I got married. Not surprising that we did not get married until I was in my early 30ties and she was in her mid 30ties.

The second reason that I was in therapy was due to going on disability in June of 2003 and no longer being able to work. I did go to the YMCA a lot back then, tried to stay out of the house for many hours a day, and returned to tae kwan do which became more of a burden and less of a joy by 2007, plus my obesity had not improved and with a diagnosis of osteoporosis, I became limited in what was safe for me to do, plus the boys had stopped TKD before I did. Also, going on disability after working for 20ty years created a crisis in and of itself.

2005 was a rough year for we bought this house after being in a rental house for 2 years and that is when I changed therapists with whom I started working on my family of origin issues, my anger in general and my anger toward my mother. A previous therapist had told me that one day, I would understand my mother's impact upon me and become even angrier, but she hoped that I would be able to forgive her. Wow was she right!

Along with this new house came an unfinished office in the big garage that I began spending a lot of time in as I dealt with my pain. A couple of years later I finished it into part of what it is today and was writing poetry again for the first time in 30ty years. That's when I wrote the poems, Path Through Tragic Pain, Barnacles, and What a Cop Out to Say This is Who I am & Always Will be Because of My Dysfunctional Family. By that time, I'd discovered a place downtown where I could share my poetry, but it shut down over a year ago. While digging into my past various flash backs started in August of 2010 which subsided after a bit, but come back from time to time. To help work through my various issues, I created some short therapy movies for my therapist about. I've had some newer flashbacks recently and feel there is one last movie to create, but I don't want to. Before this, I had created some short little movies in my computer using microsoft movie maker about my wife and I that was a whole lot more positive than my therapy movies were. Through all of this, I've shared much of it with my wife and we have become closer and she has opened up and told me things about her childhood and early adult life that she had not told me before. Toward what I thought was the end of dealing with my past, I wrote my mum a letter which was almost more of a poem in which I expressed my anger. Somewhere on this site in another thread, I did share the title of that, but it is too personal to share here. All of this was extremely exhausting and may have contributed to the pit of sleeping 12-14 hours a day in January and February of 2011. I've had all sorts of medical tests run since then and all they found was my B-12 was too low as was my folic acid and I needed an increased dose of my androgel. We even had my sleep apnea machine checked out and it is running fine. I did have an 11 week spurt where I suddenly had a lot of energy, did a lot of walking and lost some wait, but then I crashed again. Despite being put on nuvigil, I was too sleepy once again.

Near the end of our youngest son's time in high school, I wrote a poem for my wife about my vision for our empty nest which was positive, but little has come to pass.

The next subject that my therapist and I covered, which took several months, was my experiences in various churches in which I had some unhealthy and painful times that had shaped my view of my experiences very negatively. However, as we worked through all of that I came to see there was more good than bad, but I had chosen to focus on the bad which was not helped at all by my wife's total mental breakdown in 2000.

So, yes it is time to move on at 55 and discover some new sense of purpose and interests that will carry me through the rest of my years. I've thought about joining the county photography club, but that has not panned out yet. I began writing a book back in April which has required some extra research, but after a saturn five launch is down to a crawl.

The clutter is a pain, and a great majority of it is my wife's and the boys. Like we have a small shed of decorations for each season and holiday of the year and it is packed. We have far too much for Christmas and for the spring. My plan is to have my oldest son, who is home for the summer, to help me clear some of the clutter out of there. Also, I own like one pair of dress shoes, three pair of tennis shoes, one suit, one sport's coat, four pair of nice casual pants, three short pants, two pair of blue jeans, some warm up suits, winter jackets, some short sleeve shirts, four dress shirts and four ties. My wife has a big plastic box of winter shoes and summer shoes. Here clothes take up the entire closet in our bedroom which has two sliding doors and she has most of the walk in closet which too often gets all cluttered on the floor. She admits that she has too much and does not wear everything, but moves too slow in going through it all. The den is all covered with her "stuff' and thus you can't find an empty place to sit except the computer desk chair that I'm in now. Is is any wonder that I like the order and cleaness of my man cave to escape into!

We also have clutter in our various cabinets that needs cleaning out. The small garage needs cleaning out and reorganizing. So, does the big garage so that I can park my car in there once again.

After I cook lunch, which I do almost all of the cooking here, my son and I are going to work in the yard if it is not too hot.

No, you did not offend me with your lengthy post. I would love to walk in some sunlight also and not feel so much responsibility for everything getting down for a life full of nothing but responsibility and unfinished responsibility is not fun.

Yes, I probably could hang out my shingle and do therapy. But it is far easier to think about what to say and say it online than I think I would be face to face.

I'm glad for the rediscovered creativity and that this thread has done so well.

Cmag: Bless you. I'm impressed with all you have accomplished. Yes, I can see why you love your neat and orderly man cave. Is you wife willing to help tackle the Den? Getting one room cleared out may lift her spirits (yours too) and make smaller jobs more mentally manageable for her.

Glad you have your son to help you this summer. I still think it would be great if you could hire out the yard work and focus on the clutter. Your mind needs some burden relief.

Hugs and love you to, Cattails

Cattails, it has helped greatly to have the time due to not working, the insurance coverage, and the finances to be able to have this intense therapy experience.

I am planning a fun family mini-vacation for our whole family for a 2 night, three day get away.

Thanks cat - it does seem to be working qute well, and I have hopes (plans) of eventually getting my body back in balance, and not needing the drug any more - love you all too. I am going to try to make an appointment today with a doc here with very good ratings. Hopefully he will take me on as a new patient - prayers for this would be appreciated.
burned - I refused a face book friend request from my sis, and told her until we resolved the issues that are behind her telling me she wanted nothing to do with me a few months before, things would stay as they are - we do need to protect ourselves
cmag - I think hiring someone to do yard work would be great - one job off your back. I am pondering hiring someone to do some stuff inside. As much as Gary wants to do it all, he just does not have time. He does the yard, and my plants benefit. I also am thinking about reducing the stuff I have - no point hanging onto things just for the sake of. I have been trying to follow the - bring something in, throw something out concept. I do pretty well with my clothing. I have some things I have to find a good home for - memorabilia from my father from WW!, for example. It needs to go to a museum. Cleaning a house is much easier if there is less stuff in it.
Cat, I am with you in changing styles. We accumulate in our younger years, and, many of us feel the need to divest oursleves of stuff as we get older. For a year, I lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment with my youngest son when he was away at school. No garage, no basement, just one small storage room, and I loved it -so easy to keep. Now, I am back in my house - and too much of it is used for storage of thing that haven't been looked at for years. I think I am talking myself into a large clean out! Convincing Gary will be another thing - his family keeps stuff, and gets more. They do say you can teach an old dog new tricks, don't they? ;) I hear your advice to cmag, and I think about myself. Nothing I would like better than to leave all the pain behind - the childhood stuff, the loss of my youngest son, but it doesn't go away. That doesn't mean I focus on it, but like cmag experiences, and sharyn has shared, it intrudes on my consciousness, old feelings, thought patterns flare up. When there has been such dysfunction from birth on, I don't know if it ever goes away. That does not mean you cannot live a decent, and even enjoyable life, but that part of it is dealing with the "fall out" from the past. I find I have an underlying sadness - not a depression, but a sadness, and not that I cannont enjoy life, I do, but the sadness is not far away. I am hoping that a new counsellor can help me with this.
bw -glad you had a great sleep - it makes such a difference to our mental and physical health. Of course, you feel exhausted, as you are pushing yourself too hard. Is there anywhere you can get respite - someone to come in, or somewhere your parents can go for a few days to give you a break. You really have too much to deal with. Are there no agencies in your country that can help, or a church? What would happen to your parents if you got hit with the proverbial bus? Someone else would take care of them. Think about it.
sharyn -wondering how you are doing - at work and in general...
also margeaux, austin, brandywine, izzy - still thinking of you, jessie belle, I wonder how you and your mum are, selfishsib, nj2bfree, TheAdvocate, lisa, rebecca and so many others - let us know how you are
cmag - a miniholiday sounds GREAT. G and I are hoping to combine a work trip he needs to make, with a miniholiday - mountains, lakes, forest... Even a few days makes a BIG difference.
Have a good day everyone!!! Breathe deep - love and hugs ♥♥♥
,

Good Morning Everyone,

I've been reading many posts here, the last few days. I'd just like to say that I am in awe of all the good advice everyone is sharing back and forth, and even when some people write things that they may think one could be offended about. It's done in such a caring way, and there is no doubt in my mind, it is authentic.
It's great to learn, I'm learning everyday from all of you! Thank You! Yes, Breathe deep, I'm all for that! Much Love, Margeaux

Good Day All!! Since hubby and I both work tomorrow, I am making a traditional 4th of July feast of fried chicken and all the fixings. I wish all my U.S. friends a Happy 4th of July, and I hope everyone has a wonderful July! Take time for yourselves to refresh, get fresh breath of air in whatever way you can get it.
Joan~Thank you for asking about work. It is getting smoother as I fall into their routine and making it my own. Yes, all those old feelings cropped up in the beginning. Once I separated myself from the feelings, I was able to work more productively. I was surprised when the feelings came up because I really thought I had moved beyond all that baggage. I now have a different perspective toward people from the Viet Nam War suffering from PTSD than I did a few weeks ago. I just could not understand why they were still suffering after 40 years. Now I understand.
All~As some of you know, I spent 4 years in therapy in my thirties which led me to be able to find forgiveness as I learned that my parents did not intend to abuse their children. However, the therapy did not resolve my depression which I continued to suffer from until 2005. Therapy helped me with the anger and understanding of "why me." What it did not do was give me coping skills which I am still learning on my own from bad experiences with others and through reading. I truly believe that I was well on my way to developing the very same personality disorder my mother suffers from but I was able to turn the corner back in 2002. What changed for me was I had to end relationships with friends and co-workers. The reason I ended those relationship is because I had become to attached to certain people and I had put them in a position of have to mother me. When I realized this, I had to end it so I could stand on my own. Looking back now I realize that I was only 50% to blame but at the time I was willing to accept All the blame (dysfunctional training). The most important lesson I learned is that I cannot talk about child abuse with everyone. I can only talk about it with my brother, sister and on this site. Even my husband has a hard time understanding it. Since I made these changes in my relationships with others, I am so much happier than I was when I shared all the childhood abuses with everyone. I have also found that dwelling on the past kept me in a state of depression which is why I shy away from having any more therapy. I did slip into depression a couple weeks ago but was able to overcome it from the posts here on this site and detaching from my feelings. I am not discounting therapy for anyone and it may be something I will do again in the future because it has it's place when we are at a stand still in our lives and need to understand more about why we are feeling a certain way or why we continue to do what we do. My depression is always situational and usually a result of dysfunctional thinking. Hugs to everyone!!

I had the weirdest experience today. I had posted about the problems I had been having with my mother. She had decided I would do everything for her and that she didn't need to continue to push on her therapy. She had it in her head she could still live in her apartment, stop post stroke therapy, live in her wheelchair and that I would be there every day to do all of her needs and take her wherever she wanted to go. It eventually got to the point I had to step back because my being in the picture was encouraging this unproductive behavior. She has therapy and home health care, lives in a senior apartment with services (van to the store etc.) and my SIL stepped up to make sure there was someone who could do things when family absolutely had to assist.

This turned into a very weird manipulative month or so of my mother calling me nonstop, sending me manipulative letters and trying to engage other family members into manipulating me. She tried the same routine on other family members that she couldn't walk or use a walker so they must take her everywhere . She was walking with a walker at this point and other family had witnessed this etc.

Anyway, I was at the grocery store today trying to grab some food before the holiday rush. I saw my mother in the store WALKING without a walker, pushing a grocery cart. She didn't see me and I didn't think that was an appropriate time to have whatever very weird discussion we were going to have. I just checked out and went home. On one had I am ecstatic that she is walking without a walker! On the other I feel a bit vindicated that I was right that she was misrepresenting her ability to get around. Her therapists reports and home health care showed she could get around with a walker just fine months ago. I'm also a bit angry about all the drama, manipulation and guilt trips I have gone through. If I had not put my foot down and engaged everyone else in this tough love plan would she still be sitting in a wheel chair running me half to death? I think I probably did the right thing..?

imo, i think u did cuz then she wouldn't develop the gumption to do it herself. i may not be caring for a parent but i am caring for my husband i have to use tough love on him now because he expects me to drop everything and get home etc etc. latest spat is about me workin at the local school to get me out of the house and more adult stimulation. i am also am his paid caregiver and living on ssdi and my peanuts check aint cutting so hence the need for a second job. his family doesn't care if he lives or die and mine say i do not give a shit...sometimes you gotta do what ya have to do but guilt trips are a severe form of manipulation and he has use it on me. in the end before ur mom gets worse u will be grateful that you gave her that push to give her independence before the real co dependency behaviour starts so yeah i say u earned a movie night with some wine and/or date with ur hubby ...

I must have raise a very dysfuntional family because now when I need for my adult children to pitch in and help us they are so into what they do that there isn't time to help me or my wife, This page was really needed,thank you for the start up,Johnny cakes

Hi johnnycares. I wonder if you raised a very dysfunctional family since your adult children won't help. NOT!!! I think with the times we are living in, people become so involved on Themselves. Look at the high rate of divorces. The high rate of child sexual abuses (don't care if their kids, they will rape even a 1 year old!). The high rate of drug addictions (feeling so high worth Everything). It's all about Me, Me, Me and more Me.

Anyway, talking from experience, I grew up from a Very Very Dysfunctional family. So bad, that myself and 2 younger sisters have blocked out our childhood memories. Out of 8 children, I stayed to help both bedridden parents. I sometimes wish that I could be Selfish, pack up and just walk away. But, I can't. And it's NOT out of obligations to the parents. It's higher up - God, who told us in the New Testament that we must Honor our Parents. Sigh...That's what I'm doing...and hanging by the tip of my teeth! Like you, I really do appreciate this site. (I think I put my foot in my mouth when I commented to Cmag. Still trying to get the nerve to apologize!)

So, being nosy, what's up? What is that you need that your adult kids will not help you with? I read your profile. You like to communicate...so....vent, and vent and vent!!! Take care.

Sharynmarie: Always good to here from you and listen to your history and insights. Did you know that I lived in Visalia for 30 plus years. Don't remember if I told you that. Have a good week my friend and so happy about your accomplishments at work. I knew you had it in you. You just needed to find your groove.

Lily: Clearly you got it right. I'm so sorry for all of you who have parents who love to manipulate. What a burden to the heart and soul. Follow your gut and don't let them rule your lives.

Burned: Did you get the job at the school?

Johnnycares: What do you need help with? Have you checked to see what services might be available to your wife through social services. You can also contact your local area on aging and see if there is assistance available to you.

You are in your early 70's so I'm guessing your children are in their late 40's early 50's. How many children do you have and what do you need from them. Are they putting kids through college? Just curious what the family situation is. Let us know, maybe we can give you some suggestions. You seem to have a good heart and a gracious manner. Wishing you the best.

As I am typing this, the western sun (finally saw some sun today) is casting a beautiful light across the hillside which is covered with evergreens. It just turns them gold in the light. Really beautiful and makes me wish I was a painter.

Emjo: Sending you love.

Cmag: Hugs to you. Did you give anymore thought to hiring yard care.

Have a good week everyone. Love, Cattails

bookworm84, you didn't put your foot in your mouth and you did not do anything wrong that needs apologizing for. You expressed where you are in your journey and that is what we all do.

cattails, I have not focused on getting anyone for yard care yet. Right now, I need to contact an exterminator to rid us of a bug problem that using those canned insect foggers throughout the house did not kill.

Wife and I are getting ready to go to a pig picking to celebrate the 4th.

I hope everyone has as happy a 4th of July as possible.

Love and Hugs

Sharynmarie, Yes, I guess if we are not careful, some of us can become like our dysfunctional parents. I do understand when you wrote about leaving certain friendships that you felt maybe you found a mother in. I know I did that many years ago, since I realized my own mother didn't provide this for me. I discovered though much to my dismay that when the other party (the mother) in that situation, isn't really kind and loving, or really an authentic mentor, things can get weird.

This happened to me w/an older cousin of mine.
Believe me, she was/is sweet and al those things. However, she is very unfocused in her own life. In our family, she was one of the first cousins I witnessed becoming a single parent. She was living/married a few guys, throughout her youthful years. This cousin even went as far as insinuating to her own brother (who I was very close to), that I was flirting w/some loser she used to have living there in their family home. She's about, 18 yrs. older than me. That really hit below the belt for me. It was not at all true. This happened many years ago. It hurt, because I did naively feel close to her, w/that mothery thing looming in the background. This was one of my RUDE awakenings!

Recently, I had to let a friend go, also. She thought she was being some kind of mother to me. After becoming acquainted w/her, I realized that this feature was a big part of her personality. It could also be, that I met her right after I lost my dad, so I was kind of lost and feeling some trauma from that. But this friend also had some major physical disabilities. In that scenario, lot's of manipulation, over-stepping of boundaries surfaced. In the end, I felt like I was being taken advantage of. No more Ms. Nice Person!!

Well, what can be said, hopefully we live, and we learn, right?
I over the years found myself asking why it was I needed sometimes the mothering, and I knew why. But yes, I'm all for moving on. Life's too short!

Hopefully we can discern some of this dysfunction in many relationships we will encounter in our lives, because many of us sure have lots of experience in this area.

Oh, your bbq, sounds wonderful Sharynmarie, delicious!

Happy Firecrackers! Margeaux

Well, sounds as if

Margeaux, Bookworm84~Looking for mothering from others was a symptom that took me many to discover why I did it. Once I started to love and accept myself, I no longer looked outside myself. We can learn much from our mistakes and those of others. I had so much pain during those years that kept me depressed. I was refusing to grow and blaming others. One day I woke up and said to myself, "I am sick of being depressed and being dependent on others for emotional feedback". That was when I started mothering myself. Loving and accepting self is a turning point in our progress. Hindsight is always 20/20 and once I saw what I had been doing I was able to change it. Of course the "friendships" were lost but I also realized they were not good friends for me. Sometimes I slip backwards a little but I am now able to recover quicker and get back on track. This thread is wonderful for insight to apply to our lives because everyone is at a different place in their journey and recovery is life time process. It can't for forced or rushed, therapy helps too. Margeaux, I can relate to being taken advantage of by "friends". It is a hard lesson to learn and a painful one as well. Boundaries are so important and like you said, sometime we just have to end the relationship.
Cattails~I don't recall you mentioning having lived in Visalia. It is about 2 hours south of me. We passed that way many summers going to Kings Canyon. Yes I just needed to get my groove on.
Cmag~enjoy your bbq.
Everyone have a wonderful 4th and as always I thank you for your support!

No News on the job yet still praying I get it and but next wk have hubby sees his PCP and I reschedule his pulmonologist appt one more time and arrange transportation. I just pray that they have a cab that is able to come and get us last time. I had already filed a complaint against them regarding verbal treatment to him and I ...I am just doing my job lol. I am hoping that this second job can work miracles for me and I love children and I love my husband...i just do not want to stay home forever. On a good note i got my antidepressant increased to help with my anxiety disorder and a muscle relaxer to help deal with the physical stress that my body is taking on trying to be the momma and the poppa and everything else in between so good news i have a new doctor that knows I am not making up crap and I rarely make visits to the clinic regarding my health. TG i am only one 5 medications at the moment 1 for allergies and 1 one for heartburn issues, 1 for general pain/migraines, 1 to help my muscles relax from doing it all. Next month is my birthday and wedding anniversary...12 yrs now :) ty for ur support and prayers.

I meant this time..

We do learn from and support one another. Your feast sounds great, sharyn. So glad work is getting better. About old feelings cropping up, I think it is not that easy to leave them behind, and very important to be honest with ourselves about them. They are seared into our memories, and I don’t think those memories go away; we just learn how to deal with them. We can rewrite some of the scripts that go through our heads, to tell ourselves we are worthwhile, we DO do things well, we are lovable and so on, but all the negative experiences we went through as children have formed us to some extent. They have left an impact. Good for you for turning that corner, though, frankly, I have great difficulty imaging you being anything like your mother. I can identify with looking for and finding mother figures, Even as a child I knew my mother was abnormal, so I observed my friend’s mothers, though didn’t “adopt” any. Thankfully as a young teen I was sent to England to live with my aunt (father’s sister) who was a normal person, had a decent marriage.It was a good experience. I went to school there, met some good people, and one of them particular became a very close friend who I visited. Her mother over a number of years became a mother figure to me, and she was a good influence in my life, through some very tough times. Then, later, there were a few others who I realised later, were mother figures, more like my own mother, who like you sharyn, and margeauxI had to let go of. By now I think I have internalised a “good” mother figure, and don’t need an external one. I have read that feelings come from thoughts, and if we can change our thinking we can change our feelings. Recovery IS a lifetime process
Lilli – you definitely did the right thing –what a game!!! I am so glad you saw the truth of the situation. I know all about the constant contacts and manipulations – it gets very tiring I find, .
Burned - guilt trips are a huge form of manipulation, it is good you can see that and resist it. Praying that you get that job. There is no doubt that stress is affecting your health.
Hi johnnycares – certainly there is a “me” generation probably the age of your kids, affected by society’s standards. The world has changed from our parent’s and grandparent’s days, when agencies and facilities did not exist as they do now. Which is the cart and which is the horse, I don’t know. Goodness, you are looking after your wife, don’t give yourself a hard time because of your kids. Sometimes our kids make bad choices; it doesn’t have to be our fault. Do come back and let us know who you are doing.
bw – you are doing it for the right reasons (((((((((hugs)))))))
margeaux – yes, things can get quite weird. I have had a couple of manipulative “friends”, long gone now. I think it is perfectly natural that those of us with NMs would seek out mother figures. The problem comes when those mother figures are like our own mothers. Having had the support, and love of a couple of wonderful ladies, I have reached out to some younger family members, and others, to pass that on to them. I could only do this once I had become healthier myself.
Love and hugs to all

Hi Everybody,

Did we have enough firecrackers? I went to a bbq about an hour away at my brother's house. It was nice, since it was only we adults w/our mom. She is real cute these days. For some new people here that don't know about my mom, she's 92, w/ALZ. Well, even though it was a rather long drive for my husband and me, it was good to spend some time w/my mom, my brother ( the nice one), my sister and their partners. Even though mom has the ALZ, she can still come up w/one liners that are quite funny. It's interesting that even w/ALZ, this part of her personality still surfaces. What a difference, also, now that her sister is out of the picture, we can finally enjoy my mom, w/o the negative interference her narcissistic sister always brought w/her. May she rest in peace!!
That story was some of the dysfunction that brought me to this thread.
Have a nature filled weekend, even if it's just looking outside your window and looking at some trees! Love & Love, Margeaux