The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Fireworks were awesome in Ajo, Az ...after all were barely a dent on the map of arizona here. I had blessed time with my friend and things are improving. I let go of ppl that tend to lie and make assumptions of my life. My mom said my sister and I never gotten along. I would of gotten along if i wasn't busy protecting her from bullies and yes i have to admit i did some but she loves to take things out of context so forth so now I let remain a broken bridge that will never be fixed.

Good Morning Everyone,

Hope all of you had a good weekend.
Well, I went Sunday night to spend the night over at mom's house, as my sister & me took her to an appointment on Monday. My sister so burns the candles more than at both ends. I'll refresh people's memories. She lives w/mom, and until recently w/our narcissistic aunt who passed in Jan. She manages everything over there at mother's, with the caregivers, etc. She has a full time job.

Well, mother's home is in need of some repairs. My sister had told me she was going to put a new carpet in this weekend, but it got set back a weekend, since they had to take care of a beetle problem, by spraying the bathroom, and under kitchen sink.

When I arrived over there Sun., night, my sister looked like a crazy woman. She's currently packing everything up, so that the carpet layers can have the area fee, when they come to do that job. This is a 4 bedroom home, two-story.
It was absolutely unbelievable, and quite overwhelming for me just to see my sister, on Sun. evening looking so exhausted, huffing and puffing as she was trying to pack things away.

This of course she does, w/little to no help from a 22 yr. old daughter who still lives there with her. I've posted about her in the past. She's so spoiled, it's not even funny! She doesn't work, is still playing the student game. I'm all for parents being supportive of their children, if they want to pursue an education. But I don't get the impression w/my niece that she is really that serious about her education.
My sister never has put any pressure on her to go and get a job, so that she could really start learning to become more responsible and independent. But I realize that this is my sister's doing, also.

I know that just being around that energy was tough for me, because again I see how controlling my sister is. One cannot tell her either to slow down. Also, while I was there my sister and me were talking. She has a boyfriend, who is a plumber.
As I recall when they first met about 9 yrs., ago, he was invited to a Thanksgiving at mom's house. That day mom had plumbing problems, and he jumped right to it, and fixed it. My sister is in charge of some rental properties of mother's, and again her boyfriend has done quite a bit of repairs there w/my our more capable brother. But on the weekend, my sister was complaining to me about the fact that she thought her boyfriend should fix a broken toilet seat in mom's upstairs bathroom. This is how she said it, "You'd think he being a plumber, that he would fix this seat, after all, it just needs the screw tightened up." Now I thought, WOW,
I recall the work he's done before at her request, he doesn't live there, visits.
Why in China, is she being critical of him, almost as if she were married to him?

Anyway, there's a part of me that sometimes feels for my sister, and it's really because I do get concerned that she is really overdoing things. Like even on 4th of July, she was at my brother's w/mom & boyfriend. We'd been there for a bbq.
This brother lives at least 45 miles from mom's. So after her boyfriend dropped her and mom off at mom's house, my sister jumped in the car w/mom and they went to her daughter's house. My sister said she wanted to spend her grandson's first 4th of July w/him. He's only 8 mos. old. Anyway, this woman just can't stay put, and I do get concerned about our 92 yr. old mother, w/my sister's constant need to be moving around like a crazy lady! Ay, yay, yay! There's more, but for now I have to gather my thoughts! What I'm writing about here are also some of the reasons many times, I just get discouraged from being more involved there with mom, also. I feel like my sister just wants to run the show her way.
We are so different, but her need to control everything, and be very critical of people who actually help out, I don't know! Somewhat frustrated! Margeaux

((((((((((((margeaux)))))))))) I hear your frustration over your sis's compulsion to control, and do everything. People who criticise others are usually critical of themselves, and not happy people. i wonder if your sis has a form of what your aunt had. i do believe that there is an aspect of genetics in some cases of personality disorder. I am not surprised that you found the whole situation very tiring. I am also be concerned that your sis will end up hurting her own health. However, there is nothing you or anyone can do about it, except make better choices yourself. I liked your comment in a previous post about looking out the window at the trees. I do that daily, as my bay window looks out on the green belt across the street. Love drinking my coffee in the morning, and looking out at the trees. I need to be able to see trees from some of my windows.
burned - so glad that things are improving and that you are having good times with your friend. As I remember she has a health issue. How is she doing? I have had to let go of my sister, and reduce contact to very minimal, as the nasty words and the games inevitably come out, and I don't need that.
sharyn - i really liked the info about codependency you posted on another thread. In my view, it was very valuable and I hope some benefitted by it. How are you doing?
cmag - is the med adjustment helping?
teacher - are you still managing to maintain your emotional distance?
thinking of all who have posted here, and wondering how you are doing
I continue to improve on the new meds, though I have had to decrease the dose a little (as the dr suggested I could). It is wonderful to get up in the morning, and want to plunge into the days activities, and also to see problems as just that, which can be worked on and not insurmountable obstacles. I did not realise how much my health issues were affecting my mood. I have a long list of things to be done, which I should have done in the past few years, but did not have the energy. I feel I can tackle them now. Woo Hoo!!! I passed my drivers medical though my right eye is not good. The eye dr said I will need cataract surgery - probably next year. Meanwhile my left eye is good, but a cataract is starting there. Hopefully it will stay good until I get my right one fixed. Other than that my eyes are healthy, which is great.
On another note, my mother has been taking laxatives, including senna, for a month now. she says, prescibed by the hospital, and then complains about some watery diarrhea, and a sore behind. I really wonder if she heard them right. Has anyone heard of prescribing a strong laxative for that long? She does tend to give "out of context", or very selective information, not just to me, but also, I think, to the hospital, and her doctor, and as well. It is part of the borderline personality disorder. And she is very selective as to what she retains from what people say. Her hearing loss, even with a hearing aid, may mean she does not pick up it all anyway. Also I see that she does not comprehend things as well as she did. She is very verbal and still very bright, so the hospital and her doctor may not pick up on that. Her doctor is, himself, 80 years old!

In future when she goes into hospital, which is usually for a gut-related issue, I will ask them to call me, and give me the info about any meds that are prescribed. The time may have come when she should have the nurse aides dole out her meds, but I doubt she will allow that. She has done a very good job taking her regular meds - thyroid, blood pressure, and gastric reflux, as well as some supplements, and is fiercely independent. She has asked me to go to a doctor's appointment with her this summer to be sure she understands her condition - especially her digestive problems. My daughter had her gall blader out, and had stomach problems after due to bile reflux. I wonder if mother has the same. her stomach gets inflamed easily. There are meds to deal with that. So I will plan a trip down, and go with mother to her doctor. In the past she would have resisted this, so I think she is seeing that she needs more help. She had totally misunderstood about the state of -physician-assisted suicide, and I did explain that to her. I see a very slow decline - not nice for her. I remember when my father was declining (vascular dementia) and he was aware that he was. It was sad. It was easier for him once he did not realise what was happening to him any more.

Have a great day everyone. I am off to babysit my grandchildren while my daughter goes for an appointment. So good to feel well enough to do this! I am buying earrings from ebay for my daughter and granddaughter. Love doing "girly" things with them.
Love and hugs ♥
joan

emjo, no the med change is not helping. It's two more weeks to work or my psychiatrist will make some other change when we meet on July 30th. How frustrating!

When you Mom left the hospital they should have given her a written list of instructions which she probably had to sign listing meds and any other details inc which meds she had that day-you might want to tell the doc or better yet the nurses that her mental condition may not be as good as she seems to be-my mom can fake it so she seems to understand but does not and of course she only tells part of the story like my side door does not open-of course it dosn't-she had an accident-only a small bump and paint from the other car was on her car-the hospital would have a copy of the insructions-this may help next time she is admitted.

Good Morning Everyone!!
I meant to post this article here also but I have been working everyday since last Wednesday and I don't get a day off till this Thursday. Here it is:
Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels.[2] Generally a parent who takes care of their own needs (emotional and physical) in a healthy way will be a better caretaker, whereas a codependent parent may be less effective, or may even do harm to a child.[2] Another way to look at it is that the needs of an infant are necessary but temporary whereas the needs of the codependent are constant.
People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.
Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.[6] Indeed, from the standpoint of Attachment theory or Object relations theory, "to risk becoming dependent"[7] may be for the compulsively self-reliant a psychological advance, and "depending on a source outside oneself ... successful, or tolerable, dependence" [8] may be valorized accordingly.
Co-Dependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.[2]
Margeaux~ I understand your frustration with your sister. That need control everything, thinking only they can do everything right. Yes she will wear herself out both physically and emotionally. I am glad you see what she is doing and are not getting caught up in her busyness. My mother was very much like that. She has calmed down on her busyness since the Alzheimer's but I do remember her always tearing the house apart and redoing something. She even had the interior painted when my dad was still at home. He had Alzheimer's too and the disruption of their daily life with the painter there had my poor dad so upset and confused. Of course my mother became angry with dad for not cooperating with her but she never put 2+2 together to figure out why he was behaving badly. It is a stress factor when a controlling person is involved. They seem to want everything yesterday and complain when people don't jump through hoops for them.
Joan~I am happy you are feeling better. You sound better and happier. Enjoy the girly time with your daughter and granddaughter. I don't have grandchildren yet, but I can't wait until I do. My husband and I are planning to drive to Idaho the first week in October to visit our daughter. I enjoy doing the girly things with her such as shopping and being together. Last year when we visited I bought a couple of things for my office/art room that I could have bought here but it was so much for fun with my daughter. I only work in my office/ art room when I have consecutive days off which I haven't had in a while. I do have Thursday/Friday off this week so I will spend some time working in there again.
Two weeks ago I spent 2 hours on the phone calming my mother down as she was really giving my sister a bad time with accusations again. My sis is not feeling well these days. She did find out she has pneumonia in the left lung. She has some other issues and will have a colonoscopy on Aug. 3rd. For the time being mother has calmed down and is leaving sis alone.
My sis informed me the other day that as time goes by, I will have to be her caregiver. This has been weighing on my mind since she said it because I would really like to move to Idaho when my husband retires. Sis's daughter's live in Kentucky. I know I will not like having to drive the 45 minutes several times a week to check on her (I'm being selfish, I know). I tried to get her to sell her house about 10 years ago and move back to our hometown where I live but she refused and now the economy and housing market is so bad she can't afford to do it. My sis's oldest daughter is also very controlling and she may give me grief if I am taking care of her mother. Just some rambling thoughts going through my mind right now. I think sis will need to talk with her daughter's about this subject.
Relax Margeaux and Joan enjoy your time with your grandchildren!! Hugs♥

When I was living with my sister and taking care of hubby..I had double whammy guilt trips from her and him. I also told my sister had enough of her know it all attitude that I wasn't going to take her crap anymore just cuz her life isnt satisfying...ooh btw she is pregnant with her 5th child and I still say she needs therapy. David, sees the cardiologist this thursday at 11.15 pm in the afternoon check his heart but i am really frustrated with this heart doc he doesn't give me time to answer questions etc so pain in the ass. Hubby still not able to hold food down too well. I am praying soon my friends will be settled into their new place soon. Ok this may sound retarded but i live in a small town right ...well i go get groceries and they didnt like how much i brought on the bus and my best friend brought his own groceries so they combined both of ours has being over the weight limit and they are talking about fucking banning me from pick up from the one grocery store in town because i do all the shopping. I do not have a damn car and i hardly know anyone who wants to take me to store and pick me up when I am done. I find it discriminatory and prejudice. Its yes parts of the big city transit system but serves this town and out of town. Any ideas besides setting up a petition or banning myself from the bus system when i go to the store. its the small town mindset that gets me cuz i never had this problem on when I lived in indianapolis. Then I got to find another set of sheets to mail to the agency that i forgot to send. anyways...dosage increase is helping for longterm anxiety but i need something to combat the short term attacks i get. sorry i havent posted for a good while been busy and still waiting to hear from the school;

I don't generally support books written by celebrities, etc., however, I am currently reading a book about childhood abuse by Ashley Judd. "All That Is Bitter & Sweet" chronicles her childhood abuse, going into recovery, and her outreach work in third world countries promoting HIV/AIDS education to prostitutes and abused women in their countries. Ashley is quite open about her childhood abandonment, sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse. The book is written in such a way that it is not about exposing her famous mother for being abusive but about Ashley's experiences as the "The Lost Child", and her journey to reclaiming herself. She writes about how her experiences in Thailand, India, Africa, and South America helped her recovery and her continuing mission in these countries allows her to grow in Christ. Take some time out this summer and read this book.

Sharyn, thanks for including the codependency on this thread. One applies to me and I can see another applies to my younger sister. Sis likes to re-arrange every room of her house...drives me crazy because she jumps up and then tells everyone, "I can't stand the way the house is. Let's re-arrange." Everyone groans. I back off and just watch. When she's done, she looks at me and says, "Isn't this better?" In my head, I'm thinking "No Way! I like the other one better." I always respond neutrally, "Doesn't matter to me. But didn't you just do this set-up a few weeks ago?" And her kids groan. I just assumed sis had OCD (??)

Oh, thanks for the book recommendation. Someone on this site also recommended Vincent Peale on Treasury of Courage and Confidence. I've been meaning to order it. I've already order Nancy Lace's "The Thirty-Six Hour Day." Still waiting for that book to come in. (Going on 3 weeks now.)

Burned, I don't respond to your comments because I have absolutely no experience with all of your problems! I always thought where I lived was "the back woods." I guess it's not as bad as living in a small town. I'm sorry that you're struggling on all fronts. Hang in there! and Take care!

a quick one here. I am heading off to Edmonton to see how mother is. She says she is weak and only wants to lie on the sofa. This is not like her at all, Her doctor, who discussed physician-assisted suicide (illegal here)with her after her 100th birthday, is continuing to prescribe senna -a laxative that can cause diarrhea (which she has) and can deplete potassium, which can be very serious. It makes no sense to me for him to be giving her a laxative when she has diarrhea. She trusts him totally, but I don't. In my view, he has no business bringing up physician-assisted suicide, either. I discussed it with my local pharmacist last night who recommends I go there ASAP and find out what is going on, and get a second opinion. Maybe there is an explanation, mother has made a mistake about the drug she is taking etc. her doc who is 80, is incompetent, etc. However, she sounds like the stuffng has been knocked out of her. I plan on taking her to the hospital to get her electrolytes checked, and we will go from there. She wants me to go to her doctor with her, which is a change, as before she would have resisted this, and been suspicious of me. You guys and gals understand.I always have to filter her information, and take her narcissism into account, so it is difficult sometimes to know how she really is, but this time she sounds different. She is not being a drama queen. I don't know what kind of authority I have here, so have emailed her lawyer. As far as I know the POA is financial. Wish me luck and if you pray, I could use prayers. I am coming up 75, it is a long drive (5 hrs) which I haven't done for a couple of years, and I am only tackling it as I do feel better. Having a car there would make life easier. My laptop comes with me so I will be in touch. Thanks in advance, I hope I am wrong. If it is her time - naturally - so be it, but otherwise i want her looked after properly.

Keeping you in my prayers, Emjo. Love, Cat

Joan, thinking of you and prayers coming your way. We all will be waiting to hear. Make sure you stop plenty and stretch your legs. That is very important.

Joan have a safe trip -gets her bloodwork done is very important-when that is done you will have a better idea of what is going on-the med. group I belong to makes docs retire at 65-that way they get new blood in all the time-my fantastic surgeon lived to be well into his 80's and I am sure he contribuated greatly after retiring-I would hope you could get her to get another doc-I did laast year when my primary stopped listening to me and am glad I did. Keep us updated and know we will be with you in our thoughts.

Joan, be careful, take breaks, and let us know how things are going. Glad you feel up to the trip, brave friend. Hugs and prayers from NC.

Joan~my thoughts are with you and your mother. I hope you can change her doctor and her current one should not be practicing anymore. Be safe and update us when you can, Hugs!!

Thanks all - made it here safely - diner coffee helped. Mother is starting to feel better as she has stopped one of the laxatives, so our first trip tomorrow will be to her doctors clininc. Today the receptionist told me mother's doc was not feeling well and may not be in tomorrow, but another doc would see us, and can go through test results with me, and answer questions I have about the use of laxatives, so I find out what is going on.That might be my second opinion right there. I won't tell mother that her doc may not be there - as she may not want to go. I emailed the lawyer and I can act as mother's agent in financial, personal and medical matters, if she cannot do it herself, so I am on safe ground there, particularly since she wants my help now - otherwise it would be a battle, which i don't want, I could feel your prayers and wishes with me all the way down - very special - and thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥

Joan~so happy the situation is not as serious as first thought. My thoughts will continue to be with you!

Love to you Joan and best wishes with the doc appointment. Drive very careful coming home. Hugs, Cattails

I just wrote a bunch and lost it so will try again. I am tired but it has been worth while.

Take one slow 80 yr old doc who isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and a a 100 yr old woman with borderline personality disorder and increasing paranoia, mix in a hospital who doesn't take the time to ask all the needed questions of the old woman, a new record keeping system so the doc couldn't find stuff, add in a pinch of salt, and you end up with a bit of a mess. Still don't know why the hospital gave her laxatives, The problematic laxative has been stopped, and she is feeling better. The doc tended to tell her being tired and weak was normal for her age,(I am sure her present condition is due to too many laxatives) so I picked up on that, and redirected the conversation to her working to strengthen herself, so he told her to start a regular gentle exercise program. That pleased her, and she feels now she has something to work on, and feels that she can improve. By no means is she on her way out. On the other hand when I asked for a general run down on her condition, he said (according to the hospital tests) her liver is not great (she didn't hear this and does not know it) , but her other organs are. No evidence that her heart is bad, nor that her stomach is "finished", but he said it is getting old. Well, at 100, I guess!!! Tomorrow I will take her out for lunch at her favourite spot. I had to listen to the litany of woes, and "somebody done me wrong" songs when we sat for 2 hrs in the waiting room, but that could have been worse.
There were a few bright spots in the day - She has a regular cabbie who is an angel. He looks after her so well - and waited in the parking lot of the medicenter as we were late, and didn't charge. He helps her in and out of the cab up the curbs, watched that she gets into the building etc, Amazing! My waitress in the dining room tonight was a nice young thing who asked me information about my food allergies, so i gave her a mini biology lesson( I can't resist), wrote a few things down and she wanted to keep the paper to study it. Sweet! The waitress at breakfast thought I was in my mid 50s. And lastly, but not leastly, a young musician type guy, from the west coast, (there is a festival in town these days) covered with tattooes, tried to pick me up in the hotel dining room. He eyed every female in the room, and then started a converstation with me. I truly don't get it, and wonder when this kind of thing will stop happening. I so wanted to tell him I was old enough to be his grandmother, which I suspect he could see, but apparently didn't care.

What I have learned from all of this is that I need more information from the hospital when mother is admitted, and also what they are prescribing and why. Mother takes things out of context - she may have diarrhea for a few day, then no bm for a couple of days, because she is emptied out, and go to hospital and tell them that her problem is that she has had no bms. So of course they give her laxatives. I think that is what happened. I cannot entirely protect her from herself, but I will try to get more info any time she goes into hospital.

Looking forward to going home. My shoulder was sore from driving, but one advil and some rest later is better. Think I will take a preventative NSAID before I start the drive back Saturday. Hope I have the energy to visit with a friend tomorrow night.
Your wishes and prayers have meant so much. I think my storm in a tea cup is over for now. I made the drive and survived ( haven't done it n couple of years). Don't tell anyone, but I do speed. My kids call me Nana Andretti.;)

How is everyone else doing? .

NANA!! really? Please be careful there hot grandma! Glad things went ok w mom; do keep your guard at the ready, just in case. W that senna gone, she may get over her meek moment in a hurry!

Joan~Nana Andretti, that is Funny Stuff!! Didn't you say in an earlier post that you are wearing your hair different...the men are noticing, as Kimbee said "Hot Grandma!!
I am happy your mother is going to be ok and maybe get her some Ensure to drink to boost her calories and vitamin intake. Have a nice lunch tomorrow and enjoy your visit with your friend.

Joan great to hear you made the trip safly and are getting things straighten out with Mom. My granddaughter tells me I drive like a little old lady and added that I am an little old lady-my grandson tells me I am an old lady but that is ok because I am a grandmother and they are suppose to be old. I like you saying a storm in a teacup-I say tempest in a tea cup and people look at me funny-I do not know where I picked that one up -maybe a movie or a book. Have a good trip back on Sat you will be in our thoughts.

Kim thanks for the word of caution – you are absolutely right, the wind could blow in the other direction any moment and probably will –I know I have opened myself up to being sliced, and that will probably happen – the nature of the beast, Her paranoia is increasing – now my niece has altered mother’s computer so my cousin can get information from it, and the director of the ALF has conspired to have a cheque stolen– yeah right! The funny part is that I think she likes the idea that she is so important that people would do this to her. Castles in the sky - Strange how that mind works.
Sharyn – it has been happening for a few years now – - not what is on the head so much as what is in the head - I wrote a little history on lisa’s thread. Mother keeps lots of Ensure around as when her stomach is bad, ensure seems to work. Planning to meet my friend and have ribs for supper.:) Life can’t be all bad when you can have the juiciest ribs in town.
Austin – you are a proper lady! Tempest in a tea cup – right on! I think I have heard it somewhere.
You gotta find some fun in all this somewhere! Savor the moment. Anyone remember “put the pedal to the metal” and all that –my theme song lol
Have a great weekend everyone -be good to yourself

Emjo, good to hear that your mom's situation has eased up. It was good for you, that you have the medical POA, also, because if you didn't we pretty much know what that might turn into.

Oh, I just loved reading about the road adventures too. Never underestimate the power of a hot woman! Goes to show you that you are beautiful inside and out.

Taking the long drive, I too have quite a drive in lots of traffic, I live in a big city,
and I have to psych myself up for them all of the time. You know what helps me when I do those, I sing in my car, the radio helps too.

What on earth was this doctor thinking prescribing laxatives.
Right before my aunt passed she was having constipation problems. Well hopefully now they have realized this, and it wont happen again.

Be safe on your return home, and my thoughts are with you and your mom.
Love & big bear hugs! Margeaux

Emjo, I'd written a bit about the narcissistic aunt about her constipation.
Then somehow something got left out. Her caregiver, the one who was doing night watch decided to give her a supository, if you can believe that all on her own. Very bad decision, on a lot of levels, as you might imagine.
So, I guess sometimes while our elderly complain about whether they are having issues one way or another then someone decides to give them something thats making things worse, it's good that there's other people looking out for them.
We came to know all too well, about our aunt's need to exaggerate, many times lie about things. The unfortunate thing about that was that sometimes we thought she was crying wolf. Hopefully, on this end your mom may realize how valuable you are to her, and that you do care enough about her. Margeaux

The other day when I was at my mom's house, it has been very hot here where we live, I know it's been hot many parts of the county, also. On Sunday when I arrived at mom's, my sister had been cooking in the kitchen. The kitchen is adjacent to the living room, where mom spends a lot of time watching t.v. There was not even a cracked window in that area, and it was very hot in there. But mom was on the couch wearing a little flannel sweater, covered up w/a light blanket. I suggested to my sister that we open a window, just to allow the steam from the cooking out and some fresh air in. I was discouraged from doing this, since my sister claims that mom complains about open windows, because she gets cold. I thought this to be on the bizarre side, given the heat. Anyway, my sister just turned on one of those stand fans, which just circulated hot air in that area, didn't really help.

So Monday morning, my sister and me left to run errands, left the caregiver w/mom and my niece's 8 mos. old baby. When we returned the air-conditioner was turned up very high, yes they do have AC in that house, I forgot to mention. It felt like a refrigerator in that house. I couldn't believe the caregiver would crank up the AC so high, given what I explained about mom's sensitivity, and having a baby also there in her care. I did make mention about this in front of my sister, and the caregiver. The caregiver seemed to find my comment about it feeling like a refrigerator quite funny! Well I didn't. But, I noticed that my sister didn't say a thing to the caregiver, just went over to the thermostat, and turned it down. This made me feel very uncomfortable, and didn't make a lick of sense to me, especially behavior by sis, given how she kind of protested Sunday evening about not opening up windows. What does anyone make of this? Oh, and I feel like I need to tell my niece, the baby's mother. But I find that many times when I say anything to my sister, if it's about safety, or anything w/respect to mother,
I seem to always get this resistance from her. O.K., I was just wondering how my friends here might weigh in on this one. Love & hugs to all, Margeaux

Hi matgeuas - misic does help when driving and i have been known to sing too. I think mother knows that i care for her, but it doesn't stop her from lashing out when she feels she needs to - that is the borderline personality disorder. She was very pleased I had come down and kept telling the doctor and the cabbie that she was only going to the doctor again because I wanted to see him about her. They do cry woilf and it makes it harder to know what to do, on the other hand boiwel problems are common in the elderly, and can be a serious condition. If mother;s ehart etc was not so good, I think this past month of too many laxatives could hjave finished her off. Her doc said - we must keep her bowels moving - whar he doesn;t realise is tha

ooops -hit the wrong button and I do know how to spell your name margeaux! :)

what her doc doesn't realize is that she has loose stools all the time, but worries about emptying her bowel enough so that is what she talks about to him and the hospital. I tried to clue him in, and I need to say this any time she goes into hospital, I can't be with her all the time, so I can only do what I can do.
Re your sister, it does sound to me like she is angry/controlling with you so she resists every suggestion you have. Not sure where the caregiver is coming from - it certainly is not appropriate to crank up the AC when there is an older person and a baby in the house, nor is it funny. Your sister's controlling behaviour spills over to your relationship with your niece. I don't know if there is a "win" in there as it seems you are set up to lose all the time. If you feel you need to mention it to your niece, I sure don't see anythinhg wrong with that, but be aware that your sis may hold it against you. - and nothing you can do about that.
Hope you have a good day (((((((hugs)))))))

Joan~I am known as lead foot when it comes to driving. Actually I have been very good the last couple years because I was averaging 1 speeding ticket about every 18 months. I went to traffic school 3 times, heehee!! My last ticket was in November 2009 and I could not go to traffic school that time because not enough time had passed since the last time I went. I have learned to slow down, it is hard because it is not my nature to go slow. I like to find the humor in it even as I learned a hard lesson ($$$). I don't know about Lisa's thread or the history you wrote about, however, I am glad that the situation is calming down and you will be able to relax and enjoy yourself before heading home. Take care and drive safely♥

another andretti!!! I am not alone!!!!
I haven't had a speeding ticket for a while - I speed very carefully. My youngest got a few tickets and said "Mum, you speed, how come you don't get tickets?" I ,told him"I speed carefully - when I am on the highway i watch the road for cop cars or ghost cars, and slow down when i see them, or follow another car that is speeding so they get the ticket." It seems to work, never had to go to traffic school. In our city lots of people speed on the highway going through, so you have a good chance at getting away with it. I have cut and am pasting below what I wrote on Lisa's thread. I could give lessons in online dating...
cat asked me to tell her what my secret was LOL so it is mainly adressed to her.
Heavens, you have to have some fun in this life, even in the midst of the dysFUNction!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- cat I wish I knew - I would bottle it and be a millionaire. When I was young i did't have a clue
actually it is all part of me, after 15 years on my own after marriage breakup and not even having a coffee with anyone in all that time, deciding that I wanted to get back into the game. That was about 5 yrs ago. My daughter looked at me one day and said "Mum, you have a bod, you should show it off more... and it was all downhill from there. She coached me a little on dressing differently - narrow leg jeans and camis and all that, I did some heavy thinking about how to be a hot grandma, but still keep my boundaries in the place that I want them, if you get my drift, and voila - it worked. You wouldn't believe the action that started coming my way. I had more attention at 70, that I had at 25. I went on dating sites, got two proposals (marriage and lots of the other kind, not that they got anywhere, but attention is nice) and after weeding through a bunch, I found Gary.

Cat, it is all in the head, the attitude, and you have to like yourself, and believe in yourself, and BE yourself. The youngest was 23, and in town, and he really pursued me. Nice young man. I told him to find someone his own age, marry her and have some babies.,,

by the way - part of being yourself is recognizing your boundaries - with guys, with your parents, your job, whatever - like what you are doing in placing your dad and looking after you and your husband - It is the right thing, cat, every bit as much as it was the right thing for lisa to get the DQ (Drama Queen) out of the house. even though the circumstances are very different
caregiving is a place you can lose yourself, and lots on here are struggling with that - finding yourself starts with honesty, and accepting yourself, your strengths and also your limitations, and loving yourself, and, when you do, it spills over to others and gives life -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sharyn - Lisa's thread is the "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore." and Lisa and her family have made some serious changes and come through it with flying colours - if you look at my wall you will see links to it -she is now under the name Survived2. The whole thread is a long read but worth while, and a real lesson how things can change for the better. Unfortunately her parentg in law, who are sweet, are now facing some illnesses, but the family is pulling together.
It seems we don't get much of a breather sometimes.

Had a decent lunch with mother, learning pretty well - for short periods of time - to tune out the bitching and complaints, and bring up subjects she likes talking about which I find interesting, so lunch was OK. If even 50% of the conversation is half decent, i call it good. She did say I looked nice which she has done a few times in the past few years, and I appreciate it after all the years of sniping.

Do you ever use cruise control?

Lisa, you are one that gives life in a major way - all the " kick-ass" girls do. - that's what makes us "kick-ass"!!!!