The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo, be cautious speedy gonzalous for I saw on the way back from my trip a few cops n they were not in a car. I barely notice until my radar went off n I finally spotted one in a Durango looking vechile. Sneaky little bubble gum po-po men. sneaky, sneaky.... Be careful with the speeding too.

thanks lildeb - I do use cruise control quite a bit :) and usually only speed when there are few cars around - we have very long stretches of highway that run through the bush - it is 2 hrs drive to the next small piece of civilization

Joan~I admit I don't use cruise control. I have gotten smarter by slowing when I see cars approaching with head lights on or any car that looks like it could be a hwy. patrol. When I drive to Idaho to visit my daughter it is harder because the state of Oregon has a 55 mph speed limit. I will try to get behind another vehicle that is going around 65 mph and just follow them. It can be a boring drive once you leave California as it is all desert scenery through Nevada, Southern Oregon, and into South East Idaho. I sing also, once I get to the Jordan Valley area there is no radio or cell phone service so I play CD's for that hour and a half. It's a 9 hour drive and better if my hubby goes so we can share driving.
I started reading Lisa's thread, will take a few days to read all the way through. A courageous journey for a beautiful family.

Emjo, you r too funny. I done the same thing on my way back from Florida to GA n I wouldn't know what to do without cruise control. I remember my leg cramping the mess out of me yrs ago when we didn't have all this fancy stuff.We have just gotten so spoiled n I love it. ; )

aaaaaargh, after all your warnings I got a speeding ticket!!!! The up side was he looked and me and said "Your year of birth is 1937?" There was no pic because it was a temporary license as I had to renew it this year and still haven't got the permanent one. I wanted to say, "No, I stole this from a little old lady, and took her car!", but I didn't. I dug out another pic ID and all was well.

Boredom is a big issue with our long drive out too - miles of bush.

Lisa and her family are amazing. Wish I had been that smart so young.

Mother talked to me about an ache in her heart. She thinks it is physical. I am convinced it is emotional. 10 years ago Gordie died, and less than a month later a close male friend of hers, (I hesitate to say boyfriend) died. Having Borderline Personality Disorder, she does not deal with emotions well, and doesn't recognize many of them - except anger. She used the words " an ache in my heart" and I think that is exactly what she has - "heart ache". I don't know that there is anything I can do or say to help her as she denies many of her feelings, any more than I can stop her from going to the ER, and giving them very selective information, so she will get what she wants, which in this case ended up being harmful to her. She is still considered competent, despite the paranoia which is increasing. It is just a one step at a time game. I have decided to start keeping receipts for any trip I make solely on her behalf, as this one was. I have spent thousands of $ on trips to visit her, and to help her, with her moves, and other issues. This trip was strictly over her health. I don't know if I will ever take any steps to get the money back, but in anticipation of future trouble from my sister, I want to have some records. Any comments would be welcome. Is this reasonable?

Ahh Joan~ We talked too much about tickets Nana Andretti!! My day wasn't the best. 1 hour into my shift and I sliced my right thumb open on the meat slicer. 6 stitches. can't use my right arm until after I go back to ER on Monday. I am scheduled off tomorrow, don't know if I will be off on Monday or if the doctor will put me on modified duty. I work for a major chain grocery store in Northern California (Bakery/Deli department) and they are really good about putting people on modified duty instead of disability. Could be worse!!

Joan~It is always a good idea to make copies of medical visits with your mother and anything else you think is n ecessary. You never know what you may need them for an d if you anticipate trouble with your sister, you can send her copies.

Emjo, he didn't even give u a warning ticket what a butt head. Well, I guess he is doing his job. sorry you got the ticket.

Sharymarie, is right about making copies for u may never know what or when u may need to fall back on to them. Sharymaries, 6 stitches ouch!!! That meat slicer can do it within seconds too n u were lucky u didn't lose the whole finger. Would u stop trying to feed the meat slicer. I hope u heal soon.

Lildeb~You are funny!! My son says, "mom they asked for a pound of turkey not finger fries"!!

(((((( sharyn)))) ouch!!! I think you are right - it could have been worse in several ways. Your son is funny, I am glad your company is good at putting people on modified duty. I expect it will take a while to heal. Take care!

Thanks for the advice. Once i stayed in mother's city in a hotel for a full week trying to straighten out a mess, and it cost me a bit, but I was still working so i didn't mind. I am retired now on less than 1/2 the income I had, and i can see the likelihood of more trips and more expense as time goes on, and mother declines. I am her executor, and if there is money left over once she is gone - and who knows about that - I think it is reasonable that some of my expenses be reimbursed. My daughter is a CA and keeps telling me I am entitled to get reimbursement. My sister is well set up financially, but wants more - according to her son she wants all of what mother leaves behind - her portion plus mine. Her sense of entitlement to this floors me. Until recently, she came (from Scotland) annually to visit mother, stayed with her and basically had a free holiday. Latterly, mother would get upset and call me and want my sister to come and stay with me as they were not getting along. I stayed with mother occasionally, but could see it became too much for her, so stayed in a hotel, and bought groceries etc for her, and did not accept any money for them. And such is the story we see from so many - the ones that give, and the ones that take, My mother and my sister were very close, they holidayed together (at mother's expense) for years. I was shocked when mother made a trip out west, and told me that she wanted to move west to be closer to me and my family. My sister had always told me that mother would move to be close to her, and I believed that was what would happen, I talked to mother about it and told her that I had thought she would move to be close to my sister. Her answer was "Your sister would not help me." and that is absolutely true. Mother would end up calling me and complaining that my sister and her husband expected mother to pay for holidays they all took together -and mother did pay for more than herself. Both my sister and her husband had good jobs so this was really out of line. I told her it took two and she didn't have to do it, but should tell my sister what she expected sis to pay for - before the holiday - and what she herself was prepared to pay for. Finally she did that, and the holidays together stopped not long after that. So the picture is pretty clear. My sister took her own children to court, and got money from then that they inherited from their aunt. It still appalls me, and I know she would not hesitate to take me to court if she though she could get money from it.
well, that was a big "download"!
I haven't expected any reimbursement for my expenses, but i will keep the appropriate receipts just in case.I need them.

lildeb - i don't think they hand out warning tickets here. I know he was just doing his job. I am feelng better, and anticipate getting out more. Gary is so busy with the horses on the weekends, it is nice for me to get away once in a while,.and visit friends. I am in a different (older) age group than most on here, and you never know how much time you, or some one else has left. I am delighted to be feeling well enough to do the drive again. speeding tickets or not. i guess it is cruise control from now on, music and song!

So sorry you all. I actually cut my finger off when I was three and they sewed it back on. Not fun. I guess Careful wasn't very careful right? My mother has lived with me for a year now and I have two siblings who are driving us crazy with their bullying of mom. We bought a foreclosure and are fixing it up so we keep receipts for everything so that we can prove my mom didn't pay for it. My brother was the executor, but he showed his butt during and after my dad died and my mom couldn't trust him anymore. She tried to give me POA and executor and I refused both so the lawyer has taken those duties over. My siblings actually did take things out of my mother's house while they were staying in it for my dad's funeral! She got one of the items back by calling the police on them. I can't believe how greedy people who are supposed to love you can be. I think that they equate love with things or money. It's so good to talk to people on here who understand. I have had three speeding tickets in the past. I always feel like a little kid getting reprimanded. :(

Careful~I agree about greed. I have heard some horror stories from people about how when their last living parent passed away, siblings would argue about what they wanted and the family was torn apart never speaking to each other again. You were wise to have the attorney handle it. Keep records for the very reason you are saying, plus it helps if you need to go back and review something later on medical services.
I too feel like a child when I have gotten pulled over for speeding. I will have to start using cruise control as Joan said. It gets too expensive paying those fines.
I took a Vicodin for my thumb last night, woke up 4 hours later and my head was spinning something fierce. I don't think Vicodin is a good medication for me. I will do without it.

Hi careful - another lead foot eh? ;)
bet that wasn't fun getting your finger sewed back on. I have thought about giving both POA and the executor job to an attorney but my sis is back up on the POA document so if I opt out it would go to her, and I don't trust her. The situation would have to be pretty bad before i did that. I may well give the executor job to an attorney, just to avoid the possibility of my sister suing me or causing trouble in some way.
sharyn, i think if that happens after the death of a family member the problems were there before the death. Sorry to hear about the Vicodin reaction. I have never taken any strong painkillers - as I have been cncerned about that - even when I had dry socket after removal of a wisdom tooth which was extremely painful for over a week. You can take full dose of tylenol (acetomenophin sp?) and ibuprofen at the same time, which is what I did and it helped. And you can take higher doses than it says on the bottle for short periods of time -according to the internet.
Have a good Sunday everyone!

Oh Joan, hate you got a ticket. I got two tickets w/in a month one time. That slowed me down! I live by cruise control from then on! We all need you here, so can u please slow down?!! Sister sounds like a piece of work. Keep the receipts! Don't know how things work there...I got an elder atty to draw up stuff for my mom- things are spelled out clearly, but I was granted the power to make changes in her trust if warranted, later, to address the special needs of each famil member. My dads wife is a piece of work, we steer clear of her-she too sues her family members and is pretty crazy-we do however take steps to protect ourselves from the insane surprise curve balls she comes up with, but really, we r just glad we r not like her!!

Joan~yes I agree there were probably problems there before the death. I think you are wise to look ahead to future issues with your sister and take steps to protect yourself. You know your sister best. This concerns me with my sister's oldest daughter if I should have to care of my sister. Her daughter accused her uncle (father's brother) of using up all the money from his parents. She didn't take into account he was paying out of their accounts for the NH. Of course my sister doesn't have the money her in-laws had but I don't want problems with my niece as she is greedy when it comes to money.
I don't think I will need anymore pain meds. Usually the first night with this kind of injury is when it hurts...as the body relaxes after the shock of it all. If I should, Tylenol is what I will take.
Careful~that must have been traumatic for you at such a young age having to get your finger sewed back on. Bad enough at any age , but when you are so little not understanding the situation.

thx Kim, I am careful even when I speed - I was doing 80 in a 65 zone - on a highway with little else in sight. The cop came out of nowhere! He may have been hiding up a side road. Two in one month - that is worse than me! My sister is a piece of work, and always has been. I really wonder what will happen to her when she doesn't have mother to manipulate. I don't know how things work here either. Mother is still considered competent. She manages her own finances as well as she ever has. She has an excellent financial advisor who looks after her investments (and incidentally, mine too). Apparently I can act as her agent when she is not able, in financial, personal and medical matters and that means to act in her interests. It is pretty generic. I have not enacted any of this as mother still manages well. The banks here want either one or another person to be in charge of finances, so it is an either/or situation. On another thread, someone was asking what to do about the paranoid accusations, and it has raised a point for me. Mother definitely has paranoia, and imagines people are stealing things, but now seems to accept it, without getting alarmed as she did earlier. The latest is feeling that someone has tampered with her computer and is getting info from it from a distance. This indicates mental decline, I just listen, and don't respond, or may say something like, "That seems strange." In pretty well all other ways she manages her life extremely well. All her things are in their place in her apartment, (I wish I was as well organized) she dresses very well, she eats sensibly for her needs, she reads many books, as she always has.-though I notice now that she does not remember much about the plot but she will remember that she thought the plot was weak, though the writing was excellent and so on. She is 100 yrs old, and at this point I don't see the use of trying to get her assessed. One doctor tried it a few years ago, and she spotted what he was doing, and ripped a strip off him. As long as she is managing where she is, I can't see the benefit. She does have Borderline Personality Disorder, and paranoia can be part of that, though it is getting worse with age. She would get extremely upset if she thought she was going to be tested, and would refuse to cooperate. My thought right now is let sleeping dogs lie, as long as she is not harming herself or others. I may have to intervene if she has more notions about her health and what treatment she should be given. This last bout with the laxatives has harmed her, whether permanently or not remains to be seen, and as far as I can tell, it was her notion that she needed to be " cleaned out" that caused them to prescribe as they did.
sharyn -sounds like you have to be careful too around considering your niece. When a relative is greedy for money (my sis and sis's oldest daughter) there is trouble. Glad the pain is settling down.

Sharynmarie, Oh, I'm so sorry about the cut you suffered on the job.
Well, I'm glad that the company you work for, has a lighter duty policy.

I can''t remember if I posted a Thank You, for posting about co-dependency.
I could not have read this on a better day, w/talk about that later.

Well, take care of your cut. Love & think heal! Margeaux

Emjo, I read your post about hanging on to receipts. Definitely a yes about that!
My neighbor, poor thing ( her own daughter only throws her a bone, in terms of attention) had horrible landlord problems w/abusive tenants last year. This daughter of hers is on the title of said property, but doesn't do a thing to help/advise her mom out in terms of managing the property. Anyway, I encouraged my neighbor to create a paper trail, and she did, which helped when she had to finally work on the eviction. I believe we all have our personal thoughts/attitudes when it comes to the reimbursement issue w/loved ones, no doubt especially when it comes to the very close familial ties. Given, it is the way it is between your sister, BTW, by your description of your mom picking up the tab for her holidays, your sister has no conscience about behaving very greedily.! We seem to all have one of these in our family. In ours, it's the older of my two brothers, golden boy.

Anyway, at least when you go through this process, it won't become a "your word against hers." Isn't it terrible in our dysfunctional families one must circumvent all of this?

You are so right about what you said that my sister's anger/control issues spill into the relationship w/my niece. I feel that by telling my niece about the caregiver and the AC issue, this could possibly inflame old controlling issues w/my sister and me, of which we've had plenty! I don't want to go through the, telling my niece to keep this a secret, etc., because it is her mom. On the other hand, how will my niece know about this thoughtless caregiver, unless I tell her. My niece's own sister who lives there in the house, sleeps in til 1:30 p.m., and IMO, could be a witness to this, but she's too tuned out, and lazy!

Oh Emjo, I'm glad you made it back safely home, but sorry for the ticket.
Maybe we were talking about tickets too much, and the vibe was unleashed.
O.K., Take care, Love & hugs! Margeaux

I think that I mentioned two weeks ago about my psychiatrist increasing my Abilify from 5mg to 10mg. It is supposed to make my wellbutrin, antidepressent worked better. Well, the first week was ok. However, the second week, I was like a zombie for most of it until Friday after 6pm and through Sat. Yet, today, while not being like a zombie, it was a down day and so down that I did not go to see my mum in the nursing home. I hope to get some input from my psychiatrist about this med increase on Monday.

hi margeaux -it is dreadful how bad things can get within a family, but I guess that is why we are here on the dysfun fam thread. Yes, the golden child can do no wrong. That was very kind of you to help your neighbour with the paper trail. A friend suggested that I chat with my financial advisor (also mother's), explain the situation to him, and ask his advice as to how best to cover myself. I think I will do that. I suspect it will be to document, and keep receipts.
re your niece, the baby and the air conditioning, I think I would go ahead and tell her, as the primary concern is for the baby's welfare. That may well inflame the issues with your sister, but you cannot control her behaviour, only she is responsible for her own responses. I would not let her "bully" you, or tell you off, or engage in anything with her about it. It is between you, your niece and the caregiver. Boundaries! I know she may get upset, and that is what she uses to control people, but it doesn't have to control you. My two cents anyway.

We were talking about tickets, and I got overconfident. Gotta use the cruise!

cmag, hope your meds get sorted out so that you start to feel better more consistently. Let us now what your psychiatrist says about it. I have had my share of that "zombie" feeling, even on a tiny doses of antidepressants, which I am off, thankfully.

Wish me luck everyone. I need to declutter my house, and my man is a pack rat. I am not as bad, but with being ill the last 2 years, I am behind in just about everything. However, I decided I have to lead by example, and get my stuff in tip top shape before tackling him. ;)

Wishing you luck Joan!! I need to declutter as well. Hard to do when working but I do through closets etc, once a year. I can get a small dumpster delivered once a year for free for 24 hours only. Our home is small 3bdrm. 2bth, but only 1300 square feet. After 35 years we have lots of stuff accumulated. When I didn't work I was able to keep up on things a lot easier. Then we also have a lot of my sons things stored in the garage because he and his wife are renting a very small apartment (about 600 sq. ft.). I am hoping when he comes up to visit during Christmas, I can get him to take some of it or decide if they want to keep it or discard it.

Hi Emjo,
Thanks for the advice about dealing w/my sister & that AC issue.
You're right. I shouldn't allow her behavior to control the situation.
I fess up to the fact, that I am a peace keeper.

Add to this the other day, I made the mistake of asking her how her boyfriend's mom was, she's been in the hospital. My sister then told me, that she and the beau were having some issues between them. She'd had some issues last Nov.,w/him just before the narcissistic aunt died. They just about parted ways, and I had to hear my sisters endless, boo hooing about their break up, and that she didn't feel as if she could handle it, blah di blah. It sounds like it's based on some of the same issue, which is that her boyfriend and the daughters don't seem to like one another, and she's claiming she's annoyed w/him, since he never says hi to them if they are there at mom's house. When I heard this, I just kept quiet, because one of my nieces, (the one who lives there), many times does not say hello to me when I go to visit mom. She usually does this when my sister isn't either looking, or is not there. So there's a lot of convoluted things going on over there. But all I can say is, I hope that if my sister let's say does break it off w/him,
I don't want to become her sound board again, w/all of the boo hooing over it either.
My sister complains heavily about certain issues, then she does a complete 180 turn w/her decisions and behavior. I'm quite honestly growing tired of this. It's as if she doesn't know how to function w/o drama in her life! Margeaux

Last month my husband and me had total upheaval in our apartment.
Our floor needed some serious repairs, since there were some floor boards underneath a rug that were buckling and making it unsafe to walk over in certain areas of the living room. The landlady, who isn't cooperative at all, finally sent in two guys to do the job.

Oh! we had to pack up everything in our living room, they dealt w/removal of big furniture. She had to put us up in a motel for 4 days, until the job was done.
This was 3 weeks ago, and to date we still have the old rug, padding, old parkay floor boards and debris sitting out in our front lawn facing the street. This whole ordeal was quite stressful. He finally called the City on her to deal w/the debris issue.

So I'm all with you who are talking about the clutter. One doesn't realize how much we can accumulate after having lived in a place for some time. My husband doesn't know how to declutter. I don't like to throw out other people's things either. But yesterday, I was finally cleaning up our bedroom. I did throw out some promotional junk mail he stacks up by some drawers from 2011. I weeded out some clothing, have it in a bag sitting in the trunk of my car. But I refuse to bring it back into the apartment. So I'm just trying to see if there's an organization who is collecting clothes, I'd feel better knowing that it went to people who are really wearing it, rather than ending up for sale on a rack.

Well, I'm very happy the floor work is behind us. It also really feels good to Feng Shui the place, it does give it a fresh energy. Declutter, declutter, declutter!
The next place I w/declutter is the kitchen. Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~Like you Margeaux, I tackle one room at a time. I need to go through a closet I have many art/craft supplies stored. When I finally get my office/art room completed I can move my sewing machine in there so I have more room in this particular closet. Our linen closets are small so the plan is to move the sewing machine out along with the art/craft supplies and make it additional storage for towels and even paper towels, etc. for the kitchen. So many ideas, so little time and $$ to do all we would like. Eventually it will get done and then I may like it so much I won't want to move to Idaho to be closer to my daughter, Lol!!

HI sharyn - I wish I could get a free dumpster. A few years ago my daughter and her hub came over and cleared much out of the basement - some was stuff the kids had left behind. I paid for the dumpster and it was well worth it. Right now G has a large motorhome in the driveway, so no room for a dumpster. Finally I am rid of the kids stuff, but G morre than makes up for them. I am getting energy back due to the new meds, so feel more able to tackle decluttering - even if it is one box or bag at a time. I did clean out the top drawer of a small chest that was full of sewing stuff, batteries etc etc. I figure if I can do that, I can do anything, It was a mess!

Joan~The city provides the dumpster once a year. They are not very big and there are restrictions of what you can place in them. Clothing I give to Goodwill or some other non profit org. You have got me energized for the job now. Amazing how talking about it gets us motivated.

margeaux, ur welcome - it is the old codependency stuff. That applies to your sister and her boo hoos too. You do not have to become her sounding board -your choice. Mother does the 180 degree turn sometimes too. It can get frustrating.
How awful to have that mess left in your living room. I had renovations going on in my house for several years and it is very stressful. There are still small things to be done, that the guys didn't finish and I am going to have to hire someone to do them. G has the skills but not the time.
Sounds like you have a plan, sharyn. I can't even tackle one room yet, so It is one item at a time. I am aching today from yesterday's work. I hauled a leatherette chair that needs to go, out onto the front deck. Doesn't look great but it is the only way G will remember to take it to the thrift shop, and it will be gone soon. My living room breathes better now.
I have 2 bedrooms full of boxes etc. - about 1/3 is still mother's stuff and 2/3 G's. I am giving most of the family things away She went from a large two bedroom apartment to a small one room in an ALF, then 6 months later moved to another ALF into a two bedroom place, and bought all new stuff, and had sometimes asked for some of her old stuff back, But then she would change her mind. She doesn't seem to realize that I am 74, and can't do it myself, and Gary is too busy already with his job and the horses, though he has helped a lot. We have given and thrown away many of the big things. So when she goes, I will have another 2 bedroom apartment worth of furniture to deal with. It is nice stuff but you can only use so much, and we need to downsize! My sister takes the nice things that she wants and doesn't lift a finger! In fact, she left a box there for me to mail to her!!! aaaargh!
sharyn, glad your office/art room is getting done. I have cleaned out and designated a basement room for G's stuff, but it is not going down there, until it has been sorted and we have shelves up for storage.

My mother's confusion is progressing. When I talk with her on the phone, she thinks I am my sister. Mother received letters from businesses regarding privacy act. She called my sister accusing us of trying to "KILL" her. She told my sis we were in a conspiracy with these businesses and we (sis and me) were trying to have her murdered. My sis gets more upset about this than I do. Joan~you mentioned a while back about dealing with feelings as they surface. I honestly don't feel much when it comes to my mother. Maybe when she passes, I will need some therapy for feelings that surface then.

((((((((((((((sharyn))))))))))) it does sound like the confusion and paranoia is escalating. re the feelings, I guess you will have to wait and see. I do have feelings for my mother - some are negative, but not all of them. I do care for my mother, but cannot afford to get too close, as she can lash, and her negativity drags me down. We just have to walk along the road in front of us and deal with things as they come up, I guess. I think it surprises me that you say you have no feelings towards your mother (not a criticism at all) as I don't percieve you as an unfeeling persn - quite the opposite.

Sharyn: I don't remember; where is your mom living, in her home or a facility. Sorry she's the way she is. Was she always like this? My mind is a bit scrambled right now due to placing my dad....it was scrambled when he was here too, but is your sis moving away and you changed offices with your job so you could be closer to help mom. Would you refresh my memory?

Thanks for your patience. Hugs, Cattails