The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Joan~I do have compassion and empathy for her having Alzheimer's. I care about her quality of life. When the poison flows from her mouth, I don't get angry, hurt or sad anymore. It's like that person is no long my mother (even though she has always been vicious). I don't know if I have detached enough where her personality disorder doesn't affect me or if I have built a wall that deflects her words. Maybe both. Cattails~My mother has always been vicious and nasty. My sister lives 45 min. away but her health is not the best. She has low blood pressure which limits her abilities. My mother lives alone, refuses to see a neurologist for a diagnosis because she knows the procedure from when my dad had Alzheimer's. Her paranoid personality disorder has gotten worse because of the Alzheimer's. She doesn't understand the written or spoken word in a rational manner. I live about 7 minutes from her so I am the one to takes care of all her medical needs where my sister takes care of the paperwork such as balancing her check book, etc. Yes, I transferred to the town I live in so I could be local (job) and reduce stress of commuting, being closer for medical needs.
I think medication would help my mother with her anxiety but getting to a doctor for that particular issue is difficult because 5 minutes after she accuses us, she denies she said it. In addition to that, when she is lucid, she knows what the medication is for and won't take it because she doesn't think she has a problem.

((((((((sharyn)))))) thanks, that helps me to understand - you may well be right about a wall and detachment. I suspect I have both. I could always see that you care about your mother's welfare, and hope you don't think i was implying that you don't. I am glad that you have a defense that works against the poison, We need that. I know it is very difficult when your mum won't "own" her problems", That is part of the condition, isn't it? I still shudder internally when I realise that you and I and many others were brought up by a person with a serious mental illness, yet I rejoice that we have come though it to have a decent life - though not without a lot of pain. If mother ever ends up in a nursing home, i suspect that she will be given "mood" meds whether she wants them or not. Other than that she will not take them either. I am still 5 hrs drive away from mother, and after the last session wonder about the need of being closer. G's job is here, and will be for another year or so, then we may be looking at a change, which would bring us closer to both our parents. His parents are on the list for an ALF, and his dad's health is precarious. Thankfully, they are very nice normal people. I gather that you will have the job of caring for your sis too, as her health declines. That is an awful lot on your shoulders. I admire how you accept these roles, so calmly.

((((cat)))) scrambled brains - me too sometimes - the family stuff is not easy. Hope things will look up for you now, and you and your husband will do the things that have been put on the back burner, and that your dad continues to settle in well.

mother's latest is that she wants to knit to fill the time as she is less physically active than she was. This is a good idea, I think. This last session with the laxatives has made her milder, though no less critical, just less vehement about it. I suspect her energy will return, at least to a degree. So now I am hunting out knitting needles etc that I haven't used in years. She was an excellent seamstress and knitter years ago, and wants to make brightly coloured mittens! Nice to see something positive.

sharyn you were all "hepped up" about decluttering - have you made any more progress? It does help to chat about it I find.:)
love and hugs♥♥♥

Joan~Today is the first day off since Sunday, I bought a guard for my thumb because I smacked it good yesterday at work which caused it to bleed. I am going to buy some paint today for the office/art room but won't be painting until I get a couple days off in a row (don't like going to work with sore muscles). It is amazing how limited you can be with a thumb out of commission. I am still highly motivated and excited to move forward with these projects. My closet is the goal for today.

I am not so sure I am calming accepting the idea of caring for my sister. I see her care as more challenging because of the distance between us. I did not take it that you were implying I didn't care or that you were criticizing me. Mother's recent episode got me thinking about how I feel. Time will tell and I will have to deal with when/if it does happen. On to the closet of clutter, thank you for listening♥!!

My oldest sister called the other night. I can't believe how she talks to me. My mom got mad at me because I just took it and didn't tell her off. Since mom is living with me and the siblings have accused me of isolating her I am super sensitive to NOT doing just that! I take her to their houses and make sure that she calls them. These people make my butt tired! You guys are so great. I have been to traffic school three times for speeding. I love to speed! I guess I should have said loved because now I drive like the old lady I am. The tickets started to feel like taxes and I hate taxes. Hope that finger heals up good. You'll have to be careful not to repeat that performance. I know when I'm working I get in a certain mode and may not notice something I am doing is dangerous. Poor thing. I feel for you. Cut my finger off in a folding chair when I was four. Not fun. Also, I'm living in a foreclosure house that we are fixing up. I have no floor, no kitchen cabinets and all the windows and doors need replacing. We are making it though, but there is clutter EVERYWHERE! All of this and I took care of my father and now continue to care for my mother. The siblings thought my house wasn't fit. When the home health nurse came I asked her about it and she said,"you have no idea what we see, this place is a palace." I had to laugh. All my worry for nothing. Anyway, enough of my blather. You guys are great! I'm getting redundant though!

Just returned from getting my lab results. Cholesterol is down but not enough so my Dr. is changing my medication. Blood sugar is a bit high, he said it makes me pre-diabetic and need to include exercise in my daily routine. Now the one that concerns me most is the CBC. It has been slightly elevated since February. No change in 5 months but will recheck in 3 months just to be safe. The Dr. said he isn't concerned because there is no change in 5 months plus he said it is normal for 50% of the population to be slightly elevated...meaning it is normal for that population. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts for the next CBC!

He asked about my mother. I told him about her recent episode of accusing my sis and me of plotting her murder. He said she definitely needs to see a psychiatrist for paranoia...she won't go.

I printed out the form form from DMV to report her as unsafe. Sending one copy to my sister, keeping one copy for myself just in case sis stalls on sending it in.

Hi Guys:

Sharyn: Thanks for updating me on your mom. Yes, that's a tough situation, but I think you handle as well as anyone can. You are sorry she suffers, but you are able to block out the cruelty of her words. On the other hand, maybe you dealt with it enough growing up to understand she just isn't right. If you will grieve anything, it might just be that you never had the kind of mom that you could have shared your heart with and maybe you've already done some of that. Take care of that thumb and good luck on the closet.

Emjo: How do you feel about moving closer to you mom? It's nice that you and G could make the move together and that he has normal parents. What area are you thinking of. It there enough activity to keep you happy? Good health care, etc. Talking good activity here, not drama?

Careful: Your new house sounds exciting and full of potential. Good for you!! How long have you and mom been there? Your sibs are terrible. Why should you have to appease them and care for mom too. Isn't fair. Glad you have mom on your side.

I had a great day today. It was all mine and I spent it doing yard work and helping my hubby mow (we have two riding mowers and it's a 5 hour job for one person). A day of simple pleasures that made my heart sing.

Love to all, Cattails

HUGS Sharyn. When my mother was at her worst with the accusations, blame, paranoia, we went to see the psychiatrist after a horrible MSE experience for her, and I was worried that the psychiatrist wouldn't see the behavior or that if meds were given, similar to you she might not take it. But I realized that I could ask a question or make a neutral comment and she would exhibit the paranoia/anxious thoughts (she displayed the behavior during the appt.) and then the psychiatrist was great because she empathized with my mom that she worries so much and it was hurting her (she never mentioned paranoia) and it made sense that she was suspicious sometimes because things were changing all the time. The doc explained the medication would help be able to control the worrying, so she would be able to make better decisions and feel better. It worked. Using those empathetic words allowed my mom to take her Depakote and Risperdal. Good luck to you.

cattails and vhop00~Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It's Friday and I hope everyone has plans for a wonderful weekend whether it is to stay home and relax or to go out somewhere. (((HUGS))) to everyone!!

Hi all – a little hiatus here to deal with some stuff on the home front. I am realizing more and more that I subserve my needs to those of others, and, of course, it doesn’t work. I was well trained to do this in childhood. Unlearning it is a long process for me. Prayers would be appreciated
sharyn - sorry you bashed your thumb. I am sure that was painful. Thumbs are pretty important. I do think it will be challenging to care for 2 people. Re your mum, time will tell, and I agree you can only deal with it then. My cholesterol was borderline high a few years ago, and I found quickly that I couldn’t take statins, so I asked for Niacin (vet. B3), and 3 of those a day with a baby aspirin do the trick. My blood sugar has been creeping up and was worse for a few years after my son died. Exercise and diet help. I know I should get more exercise. Not sure I understand about the elevated CBC. Is it your WBCs or your RBC’s that are elevated? You got my prayers. It is so frustrating when you know a family member needs treatment, and they won’t go. Glad you have printed out the DMV form, and will send it in yourself if necessary. Hope the closet cleaning and rest of the weekend go well.
careful – sorry to hear about your sister. Dysfunctional families are tiring. I have an unspoken cry in my heart - “leave me alone”. My daughter cut the tip off a finger on a folding chair when she was about 4 – definitely no fun. A fixer upper – lots of work! Mine might almost have qualified for that before I renovated – not quite, but I did major renos. Blether away - that’s what we are here for.
Cat – you sound so happy – makes me happy too. Simple pleasures are often the best. Wonderful that you had a great day. Mother is in a big city - the provincial capital, and we are out in the boondocks at the oil sands plants where there are jobs, so anywhere has more activities. There are only a few small towns in between, though it is a 5 hr. drive, and a lot of bush and some farms. Health care etc. and pretty well everything except jobs, would be much better in Edmonton where mother is. Gary’s work is here so we will stay here until he is ready to semi retire. Then the plan is that we will move south to be between mother, and his parents who live in a small town a little while away. I have a property (was a summer place) and we may build a home to retire to there. He will then take short contracts which could be anywhere. My plan, before I met Gary, was to move to Edmonton, as I have a few friends there. It is a city I know, a good place, and in between my kids. Also it has a better climate than here. Moving closer to mother has its disadvantages, but should work as long as I keep my boundaries intact. Her requests are escalating, so I know she is starting to feel better. I have to tell her I can only handle one at a time – making a photo album of the birthday celebrations is enough for now. She has far greater choices of wools etc. for knitting than we have here. There isn`t much in town, and I have tons of things to do for myself, like taxes which are way overdue.
vhope – sounds like you had an excellent psychiatrist. Mother really listens to her doctor so he may be able to prescribe some appropriate drugs, and explain it so she would take them. Good idea!!!
Beautiful here today, the sun is shining and the temp about 75. Perfect for me.

Joan~It is my white count that slightly elevated. As I said my doc is not concerned because it has not changed in 5 months. He said that for some people it is normal to be slightly elevated. It does concern me because I am a worrier. I feel well so that is a positive.

sharyn, I would think if it is stable there is less, if anything, to worry about. we all are a little different, and norms are averages pretty well, I believe. I go for you being above average in many ways!!!!
thank you for prayers on the home front issues - I am feeling buoyed up and at peace. i am still learning and putting my learning into practice, and the chips will fall where they may!
have a great day

I told my mom that your daughter cut her finger off on a folding chair too. She wants to know if they sewed it back on. They sewed mine back on because the nerves were still okay in it. Yuck. We have been in the house with mom for over a year now. My dad came near the beginning part and spent six weeks here before he died. There were wires and wood hanging from the ceiling because we had taken a huge wall out. They weren't dangerous wires. My husband just hadn't dealt with them yet. My dad would look around at all the mess and say "Haven't we got some work to do here?" I laugh now when I think of it. When mom told me she was bringing him here and out of the nursing home I painted all day long in order to get a bedroom ready for him. My husband widened the door to their bathroom so his walker could get through it. Two of my siblings had a cow and tried to say the place wasn't fit. They have champagne taste anyway. My one sister came down with her son and built a ramp for dad and a pen for my mom's cat. So sweet of them to do this. This sister has been supportive, but she still makes excuses for our only brother so I don't completely trust her. Can't and that makes me sad. She likes to work at causing trouble behind the scenes too.

Sharynmarie,

You sound as if you are definitely facing some challenges at this time given your mom's recent behavior. Many things you're writing about in that respect are echoes of a not too distant past, (last year) of what our aunt the narcissist put us all through. Since my controlling sister has been the one in charge, even living there w/mom, and our aunt (before her death) she too would tell me of some of the abuse, and lies. My aunt used to do this to the caregivers, my sister and of course me. But my sister was too enmeshed over there with her emotions. I tried to explain to sis, that even if one felt the way they did, as we did w/out aunt, for the horrible manipulation she knew so well. I did try to suggest for us to see whether our aunt could be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Now, I don't know how in China we would have done this, since aunt was pretty much in control of all of her own medical health decisions until the end. She also exhibited tons of paranoia, but since my mom is the one diagnosed with the ALZ, there seemed to be this prevailing attitude, by others that our aunt had it way more mentally together than my mom. Honestly, sometimes I think back, and feel that, had my aunt been evaluated, maybe she too could have been prescribed something for this. But, I don't know, w/her doctors also, they still had her taking up to 12 different pills per day, even when she was in hospice, and it was blatantly obvious she was at the very end.

Oh, and I completely understand when you wrote about not having feelings towards your mother. Heck, I pretty much did this with my mom, even before ALZ. I really feel that possibly we do this as a self preservation tactic. The last couple of years while her narc. sister was still alive, (also in our care), it was always a recurring theme for me at the way in which I viewed my mom, which was, "you've allowed your sister the total despot in the family to do whatever she wanted, w/o putting a stop to it." BOUNDARIES!!!!! So of course, this kind of thing did bumb me out, and does make me look at her w/a certain amount of resentment. But then I look at her, and see what she's lost also w/the ALZ, so then I feel sad, for her. I too have felt, the "not having feelings." Anyway,
I just want you to know, I'm w/ya Sharynmarie.

I was wondering about the driving issue also, am glad you've taken those steps.
Well take good care of that thumb, I wouldn't want to think your hitchhiking finger is out of commission! Big Hugs! Much Love!! Margeaux

Cattails,

How is your father doing?

I'm so glad to hear that you had a great day! Also, you're a woman after my own heart if you find joy in doing yard work. I do too! It makes me relax, and get in touch w/nature. Whoah! You must have a big place to mow.

Are you not up for some wedding plans soon with your grand daughter?
O.K., keep us posted. Hugs, Margeaux

Hi careful - my daughter's finger tip, just the flesh, not even the bone was nipped off - they stiched it back together without the missing piece so her fingertip is a bit smaller and her nail is somewhat curved under. I still remember the incident with chills. I am general good with crises, blood etc, but when my kids hurt I react very strongly. I was in the delivery room when my first grandchld was born (daughter's son) and I felt faint, and she asked me if it was the blood, and I said "No, it is seeing you in pain" (she had minimal anaesthetic). Nice of your sister to help with the prep for your mum and dad. I understand about the "sad" at not being able to trust your sister. Mine likes to make trouble behind the scenes so I have to keep distance.

Speaking of having no feelings towards someone, sharyn and margeaux, I would say I am closer to that with my sister. despite all the problems/abuse I have from my mother, once in a very long while a ray of light shines through, and I am grateful for those rays. I think I can remember 2, what I would call healthy, exchanges with my sister, in over 70 years - not much to go on, and many, many, times she has used mother to get at me. There is a visciousness in her, not present in the same way in my mother, though mother is a abusive.
How have we survived?
Margeaux even if you aunt had been evaluated do you think she would have taken what the docs prescribed? Mother is still in control of her own medical care, so it unless she declines to the point she can't, I don't think she would be take anything, though I think there likely are meds that could help her negativity, anger and anxiety.
Hope everyone is having a good day

My hitch hiking thumb is proudly up in the air, but I haven't used it for that purpose since high school. It's more like the Fonzie thumb now, Lol!

Keep cool, it is heating up here over the next few days. I am off till Wednesday so I have time to declutter my closets and my mind, Yay!!

Careful, I want to commend you on the job you're doing w/your mother, and the decision you've made to not be the POA, nor executor. Isn't this tough? I'm not in that position in our family. I'm the eldest, but for these appointments, was completely passed over. Many times, I'm somewhat glad that I was not selected because of the greed. We also have a brother, he's the eldest of the brothers,who always got selected for these tasks, both by my dad, now deceased more than 10 yrs. Later by our mom & her recently deceased sister (who had no kids).
After much mismanagement by this brother, POA, got taken away, by our aunt, because she was the one in charge, since mom has ALZ. So now my sister is at the helm of everything. She on the one hand, is quite adept, and takes care of business. She is also very controlling. She does things also in a very caring way, actually the nurturing things, that many times I feel I'm incapable of doing for mom. But, here comes the but....I too realize w/my sister that she does some weird behavior in terms of back biting. It's interesting. She had a close relationship with our dad, much more so than I did. But knowing my sister all my life, also, I've figured it out. She has a need to be validated much more so, BY MEN, so this really figures into the equation about how my sister deals w/people, and especially in our nuclear family. She really was not close to mother, when we were younger. In fact, they clashed. I got along w/mom, but never felt super bonded with her, because of some being too absent issues. I find it interesting with my sister, that when our brother who had POA, tried to pull a strange maneuver on the rest of the three siblings and have us sign a very dodgy looking document, which was supposed to be a Quitclaim Deed, about 5 yrs., ago (we didn't sign). Since the death of our aunt, who was instrumental in all of the estate of mom, dad, & aunt's (it's all unfortunately intermingled), this brother, has been making a reappearance of sorts. Last 4 yrs., he only made occasional visits at mom's, but wasn't in too much contact w/my sister, other brother nor myself. He this last year had health problems, and recently marriage break up. Anyway, my sister seems to have taken a very feel sorry for him approach. It is very interesting when my sister decides to just overlook some of my brothers past behavior, especially when it comes to the family money. I honestly do not trust my brother, in this regard. But I many times do not trust my sister either. Well, in any case it is good that you are keeping track of all money,, receipts you're spending on your home. Besides, no matter the champagne tastes, as you've described your siblings having, this is still money you and your husband have put out of your pocket.

My sister moved into mothers quite large house, with two daughters, and one of their boyfriends. My sister on this end isn't paying rent there, and she works full-time. Her daughters don't either, and they are/have been of rent paying age also. So my sister is going to come out financially speaking quite O.K., at some point.

The reason I bring this up, is because I feel that many times these kinds of siblings will really push to position themselves, especially for their own gain.
Well, it's good you are aware of this!
O.K., take care, Love & Light! Margeaux

Gosh Margeaux! Your family sounds like mine. I think you're right about the sis needing to be validated by men. That's probably what's going on with mine. Both of my sisters were married to abusive men in the past and my brother was a cop and then a prison employee. Both professions that "power" hungry guys like to indulge in. Not that they are all that way! My brother's daughter married an abusive guy and his ex-wife goes from one guy mistreating her to the next. His current girlfriend was married to a guy that abused her and raped her. I'm not telling you all this to shock you. I just think there are signs and I don't know why I didn't see them sooner. My dad was nothing like this. Quite the opposite actually. That could be what kept me from seeing it because I expected my brother to pattern himself after my dad. My mother however can be mean and spiteful and liked to call us names when we were growing up. She is trying to drive my husband from our house as we speak. This is what he told me today. I went on some errands with him and mom got mad and pouty. She even said, "that she didn't want to cause any problems between us." In her language that means she does! She also didn't want me to make her breakfast and she was going to throw all of her artwork away. We have a good marriage, but I will need to spend more alone time with him, which of course is tough. I spend entire days with mom and feel so drained at night. It's hard to see sisters who are so close and I have two that I can't get close to because they are so mean. I am the youngest of all four children. Birth order has caused a problem too. The two oldest wanted the nursing home and I wanted them to come here. It didn't happen until I convinced my mom. My dad passed away and now we have just mom. Mom changed the will stripping the older children of power. I think what convinced her about the nursing home was when I said, "YOUR NEXT!" Sorry I'm rambling here. If they would put my sweet old dad there they sure as heck had plans to put mom there. Anyway, I appreciate you writing back to me. I can't imagine having an aunt legally involved either. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree sometimes....sometimes....in our cases it fell and rolled into a deep valley. We're peaches! That's what I think.

Emjo: My finger didn't lose bone either and the nail is curved. What a coincidence!

Hi Margeaux: My granddaughter, Amanda, gets married August 18th. She's in North Dakota, so we will fly there and spend a few days. We talk to her by phone all the time and she is so excited. My husband's brother and his wife will be coming in from Ca. to attend the wedding. It will be wonderful because we've not seen them in a couple of years (although we talk on the phone all them time). It will be a fun time.

Of course there is always one in every family and in this case it's Amanda's mom. She's prone to angry outbursts and is difficult to say the least. Borderline Personality Disorder. Amanda, with court approval, moved to ND when she was 12 to live with her dad. She has had some contact with her mom, but it's always strained. Kim, Amanda's mom did come to ND when Amanda graduated from high school. We were all there for that occasion and managed to get through those few days together ok. Of course, we are all on some pins and needles with Kim. She's very high maintenance and it can be exhausting to keep her feeling included and happy. So we all have our jobs to do to keep things running smooth. We can do it.

Thanks for asking. You all have a good day. Love and Hugs, Cattails

Wow, my family hasn't had the money issues that Margeaux and Careful discuss. My brother who lives locally is supportive of sis and me in handling our mother but he is not involved partly because mom is so difficult, he doesn't know how to deal with her because he gets to emotional and now he has Usual Intrastitial Pneumonia/Fibrosis and his stress level is low. My eldest brother disowned all of us because of our abusive childhood and apparently he wanted no reminders including his siblings. Occasionally I get an email from his wife.

I visited my mother yesterday because she keeps saying her toe is black. It looks to me like she may have a fungus infection under the toenail that has spread to the outside area around the toenail. She has an appointment tomorrow with a podiatrist at 4pm. She called me early evening last night telling me she went to her dr. appt. but no one was there. I reminded her it was Saturday (poor mom). While I was at her house, she had a binder out on the kitchen table that holds financial portfolio statements,etc. She is obsessed with these letters she received about the privacy act notice. She spends large amounts of time pouring over these documents trying to understand what everything means. I know she has a lot of anxiety but she won't take anything for it. It makes me sad knowing she must be so tied up in knots inside and the Alzheimer's has made it worse. If it isn't privacy act notices, it is something else that comes in the mail, usually from her insurance companies offering additional insurance. She holds on to all this mail that a year ago she would have thrown away but now she doesn't know what to do with it thinking she needs to contact them about the information in the advertisements. I wish there was a way to get these companies to stop sending her stuff but good luck with that!

sharyn marie maybe you could observe her mail for week & change her address to get mail sent to you from companies ins, & so on. my mother passed away 5 years ago & always did family fianances It took my dad a good year because soooo many of the trash they send to older people look sooo important
Hello Cattails I cant wait till Amandas wedding I hate to hear how her mom is always one in every family ... Sounds like she has a great head on her shoulders & My husband has taught me dont matter where someone comes from they will be how they want to be... My cousin has always been sooo onery she will arrive & have ur kids jumping off walls and pets running she is just fun great girl to be around but hated school and got in mishchief and still a big kid at heart at 42 her 17 year old daughter has a 3.97 gpa and tells her mom to act right all the time I told her That it must not b true that god pays you back with meaner kids than you were because she would have BRAT!!!! Good luck I know you YOU will use that 2 x 4 on anyone trys to mess up your grandaughters Wedding.... Ask her if she has been on pinterest for wedding ideas such cute ones on there....

sharyn - glad your thumb is doing well. it sounds like you are on the mend, though I know it will take a while. Sorry your mum gets so fussed up about the papers. If it wasn't that, it would be something else I suspect. Other than them taking drugs, you can't save them from themselves. I have heard of people who had their elder's mails redirected to their house for one reason or another. I don't suppose that would work would it?
margeaux - sounds like your sister is doing quite well for herself and her family - It does not seem right to me that her kids, one boyfriend and the baby live there for nothing, considering that they don't contribute at all to your mum's care
- as you say - definitely positioned for their own gain
careful - quite a coincidence - you are a peach definitely. Sorry your mum is trying to cause trouble between you and your hub - obviously it is not going to work
cat - great to have a wedding to look forward to. I know all about BPD mums and wish you all luck with Kim. It is exhausting and you can do it
Love and hugs and have a great day ♥ Joan

Okay Its a month away Im sure she is done. One more thing My SIL that was all gun ho to bring mom here was going to be over n help & by mothers day when she did take my MIL called and hubby told her off & I let her know that Thursday why we were mad we never get away unless she calls and she said well I cAnt help anymore ... well she has been by with 3 grandkids on monday 2x a month stays like 20 min. Well my hubby bday was 17th & my daughter went 2 get hair done by this sister she is a hair stylist WELL my daughter said she went on about how she tried & wished her brother a happy bday & all he said was thanks when he should have said sorry to her for how he talked to her on moms day.. Then said she thinks I let her stay in bed to much ok if she was here longer than 20 mins she would see in one hour my mil will go from bed to recliner to bedside commode to bed its a 24/7 thing because she has bowel problems and of corse alzheimers .. So My daughter said she wanting to come get MIL to take to Beaty shop Sun. Never heard from her till last night called & said well I want to take mom up to shop when NO one is there & give her a perm,,,,,,I About Died I said I dont know if she would sit that long but my daughter said let her take her & dont answer phone if she calls.....What do you all think.....

tbailey - great minds think alike - you must have posted when I was writing!
yes, one in every family and sometimes, as in mine, two. Your niece is a smart cookie! that is some GPA!

tbailey~Thank you, I will definitely give that a try. I am going over there tomorrow again and I also want to go with her to her dr. appt. even though she says it's not necessary, but I am concerned she isn't understanding the info the dr.'s tell her.

Well you guys seem so positive and I am a mess - first on July 9 they tell me oh the restraining order from dcf to not visit your dad was a mistake but you do have 4 felony id thefts out for you...........no clue.........then think.........I have a pac n send - go there about 20 envelopes none addressed to me but to dad, mom sis - if you count he auth user total of 4 cards issued........none activated.......owner writes me note that i have not ever received any mail not addressed to me until June......I call police (not too bright seeing I know I have warrants) however, he says whole police force knows my sister and he is not arresting me but instead finds my case number and tells me what i need to do - got lawyer on impulse becuse he was opene nites - 4000.00 that w don't have and then he goes on vacation without telling us........then we get package in mail (for 16 yrs mom hs hd this key to our house) I bonded out July 13 4am - package postmarked July 14 - we did not open it because it feels like a house key and i think my sister used it to enter house to use m computer to fill out apps - only way they could associate it w my computer..........ok bonded out, then go visit Dad - only run into mom on way out -ok - always visit with sp never alone. Next time we visit mom there - I put my hand on Dad's shoulder and she slaps me. Nursing home does nothing - except to call n ext day to tell my sp that he cn visit but if i show up they will call law enforcement and they will trespass me..........sherrif says that is stupid - i am bonded out and innocent at moment and plus the charge had nothing to do with battery - adm from nursing home blames dcf/ I call dcf they claim they have nothing to do with it - we cll nurising home back - they say well you only mentioned the slap in passing?????????? Dang, I am lost ladies - all i want to do is visit my dying father - and why since we were together , can my husband visit but i cannot ?? Unless Mom telling dcf heaven knows what..........I did let them know today on no uncertain terms as they wre not allowing me to visit Dad and blaming it on dcf, that I would be pressing assault charges against Mom for July 16 visit when she slapped me and against the facility for not addressing it...........I don't get it...........somebody .......help...........

I'm pretty new to this site, but not so new to being my mother's caregiver. The topic of dysfunction caught my attention right off the bat. My mother was/is/was?/is? an alcoholic. The "was/is" is kind of a joke to me because they say that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. My mother doesn't technically drink anymore, but she does like to talk about it or obsess (a better word actually) about how she doesn't drink anymore. There are always stories that can be told later when growing up in a house with alcoholism. However, when it comes to dysfunctional families I completely agree with a bumper sticker I bought many years before my mother's dementia set in that said, "We're all dysfunctional, get over it!" There is no such thing as the perfect family. It takes perfect people to make a perfect family and that just doesn't exist on earth.
My mom has done many things, in and out of the dementia. The verbal abuse is still there and I suppose will always be. It's just not as severe as it was prior to the dementia setting in. The physical violence isn't frequent, but I'd say she's more likely to lash out that way than she did before the dementia. Before the disease it took her getting extremely angry and/or extremely drunk to bring that out. There are many times I have to behave like a military sergeant, because that seems to be the only language she understands and doesn't rebel against. Make no mistake, there's plenty of affection in this house, just not when I'm giving her orders, i.e. "Time to go to the bathroom". I do that and she sees it as weakness and that's when she tends to "get down with her bad-self ". She's still very much a independent woman and does NOT like to be told what to do.
Anyway, that's my story on dysfunction. Not as mild as some, not nearly as terrible as others. But my motto these days seems to be, "It is what it is." At least, that's what I find myself saying most often anymore.

Victoria: (beautiful name by the way) I think your motto is one of acceptance. It is what it is. Better than denial. I started typing this response before reading your profile. Does your mom live with you? Sounds like you've had a difficult life. No doubt others have had worse ones, but that doesn't mean you don't count. Your's is worse than mine.

Bless you, Victoria. Sending you love and blessings. Cattails

Thank you cattails, on both the compliment and the acknowledgement. Of course I count. I just personally know of situations around here that are much worse than anything I ever experienced. Also, if something positive can be taken from a bad situation, then maybe that situation had a purpose in being. My sister and I both learned something valuable growing up because regardless of the bad that was there, there was also plenty of love. That is the very thing that my sister and I brought with us into our adulthood and into our roles as mothers to our children. I have a relationship with my daughter that many around here either envy or admire and I suppose in a "dysfunctional" way I have my mother to thank for that :)

Victoria: I hear you. You have turned a sows ear into a silk purse. Good for you. You have made your way and been a better mom as a result. You are blessed with compassion,fortitude,the ability to forgive and the ability to love. Sounds like a perfect combination. Blessings and respect, Cattails