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u565425~it sounds to me like a lot of miscommunication and I hear your frustration regarding the situation. It also sounds like a legal issue that you may want to take up with an attorney.I wish I could offer more but I'm not clear on your situation such as what is dcf?
tbailey~I can't imagine the experience of having a perm for someone with your mother's health issues as being a pleasant one. Just the bowel problems alone could make for a difficult situation. It sounds like your sis wants to do something nice for mom and maybe you could help redirect sis to something else that would be more comfortable for mom.
Victoria~It sounds like you are content with your life and have made a good situation out of a bad one. Bless you for having compassion and love in your relationships.
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Yes Joan~if it wasn't the junk mail it would be something else... only medication could help mom with her anxiety. I certainly can't save her from it. I will check into reducing the amount of junk mail she gets though. I guess it gives her something to do with her time which can be a good thing...at least she's not wandering the neighborhood in her underwear :o)!!
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Tbailey. I had to reread your comments 3 x because I'm not really familiar with the family dynamics. Understood it and giggled. I totally agree with your your daughter! SIL is talking bad about your hubby and trying to make you look Bad to others. Best way to get even? Let her take mom! Pack a bag like one does with a baby - a diaper bag. Include in it, her extra undies, Depend underwear (if she wears it), baby wipes and an extra set of clothes. Tell SIL that this is mom's emergency bag. Then,do what daughter said, Do Not Answer the Phone. You will not look bad because you did give the bag! SIL will HAVE to go and get it out of the car if Mom did an "incident"! Of course, that may backfire and make SIL look like a resourceful person who covers all possible situations! Well...so what! She will know what you go through!

Darn...I have to go..My dad is touching his pooh from inside his pamper. He just threw his napkin with pooh on the floor and another also on the wastebasket half in and half out. And I see he has another tissue he's tucking under the pillow! Gotta go!!! emergency!!
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Quick note...I now smell his mess. I sneezed and now have stuffed nose...and a headache!..Really strong smell. I keep telling fam that I'm allergic to changing pampers. They don't believe me...
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just lost it and will try again
tbailey - would it make any sesne to have your sil come to your home to do mils hair - just a cut, wash and set to begin with - thus not endangering mil and yet, if she is there for a hour or two, you get a break, she will see more of mil's realities. If she manages that well, the next thing could be a perm at home, and maybe eventually a perm at the shop if mil can cope.

u565425 - I sure am missing a lot of the details here, and have no idea what dcf is either, but there seems to be a lot of involvement with the police, charges etc, and bottom line, you want to see your dying dad - understandably. To me it would be better to not bring the police in but try to work out a situation with the nursing home so that you could visit your dad, possibly without your mum present as there seems to be tensions between you. I can't see that more charges and police involvement are going to accomplish what you want. Perhaps a visit with a social worker attached to the nursing home to work out some sort of compromise would help. Honey catches more flies than vinegar. A soft word turns away wrath. I wish you luck.
Victoria - as has been said, you have made a good situation out of a bad one. I happened upon another thread were you reported having difficulties with your sister - have I picked the wrong end of the stick? Not saying that it is anyone's fault. Is your sis able to help with your mum? Your mother is fortunate to have you. . It sounds like she is getting more difficult to deal with.I don't envy you. Love your name too!
sharyn - I think it is wise to go to the docs appointment with your mum. I feel the time is coming when I should be there for my mum, and in the hospital when she goes to ER. Being 5 hrs drive away makes that very difficult. Let us know how the mail redirecting goes. I wonder of there is any activity you could figure out with her that would keep her busy but not cause her anxiety. Wracking my brains here, but something like clipping coupons out of the newspaper for you, A few years ago I told mother that I thought it was a good idea that she report to me (by email) all the negative experiences she has with her caregivers. Well, that opened Pandora's box, and I hear about them again and again and again and... ad infinitum. But it does give her something to focus on, and, hey, Eureka - I had an idea - I may suggest that she send me the good things they do too, so we can reward them, and hope that will improve the sevice she gets. It sounds to me like your muj needs something to occupy her time, and maybe you can direct it to something less distressing for her.
79 and sunny here today. My kind of weather!
I amde tofu choc ice cream this moring and moose pot roast. Moose ribs on for soup. Good healthy stuff.
Have a great day everyone.
ps sharyn - did you get your closet cleaned? I am no further ahead except in my head lol
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ahhh bookworn - missed your posts - what you to deal with everyday. I don't know how you do it, (((((((hugs)))))) and prayers
sharyn - the thought of your mum wandering the neighbourhood in her underwear - Oh dear lol - I would take her obsession with the mail too
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Yes we are a disfuntional something .My brother came in and out of my mothers home just enough to get here to sighn power of attorney and gifted the place to him not my fathers will it was to be an estate and would be turning over in his grave .During the housing crunch i had serous heart surgery and back problems and lost my home so i move in and was helping her not knowing what he had done .I was put out and live in my fathers old garage now as I can't afford a place to live as I need on what my check is .Now she has Alzhimers now and he is in the house he smokes and is a filthy house keeper a complaint that was left from his job of 31 years .Now she has been put a nursing home by him and he moved out and moved his 45 year ols son in who has never paid any rent any where as he uses people for that reason alond with his son .In growing up my father lost his legs in 1952 and disabilty would not pay him but we survived because he would not give up and I worked in the shop just as and more or longer than my brother .I was told by my mother and dad that I got the shop and the lot next door after he and she was gone but now I am living like a bum I do not give my mother this problem as she seems to know only a little about it now .Do I have any legal rights as he will not give in and I am 60 years old now he is 64 putting his son in the house really bothers me and I have no where to go that I can live anywhere like I am used to I feel like a bum but I do not smoke or drink and have worked hard all my life now I have nothing .I do my mother several time a week as she loves bannana's and knows who i am and talks to me just fine but the nursing home wants her to stay their I feel like they are in cohoots with my brother can anyone help.I do try to find way's to make money or I hoped for maybe a co that had place to stay and I could work in maintenance or something you sure are smarter than me about this stuff
Johnny T
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Johnny T~I don't know what to offer you other than getting a conservatorship or guardianship which will require hiring an attorney. My heart goes out to you!! It's too bad you can 't work something out with your brother so you and his son could live in the house together, of course that may be only until your mother passes and brother sells the house. Unless you have any documentation regarding the shop and adjacent property, I don't see much in your favor. Without seeming nosy, are you getting a pension or disability at this time? Maybe you could check into HUD housing...it may not be ideal but it would be better than living in a garage. Also I suggest you start your own discussion on this sight as there are other people much more knowledgeable than me who would have other ideas. Bless you and I hope you can find resolution♥
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It has been a busy day starting with getting the stitches out, Yay!! Joan, I did get two closets cleaned out, mostly art/craft supplies such as acrylic paints that have dried up and no use,some lace and old patterns that are no longer in style or missing pattern pieces. Some day I hope to get back into tole painting, etc. I did the two closets yesterday and started throwing out stuff in my sons former bedroom today. I am making progress but as fast as I had hoped. I did get paint for my office/art room but I need to sand a horizontal line of paint build up on 3 walls. There was paneling on the lower half of these walls and painting the upper half has left these lines that I want to sand down. I have sanded quiet a bit of it but it is not progressing as fast as I would like. Maybe a coarser sand paper is needed.

My mother's feet problems is mostly from callous build up and the dr. shaved off a large amount. She said her feet feel better.

I hope everyone had a good Monday and tomorrow, will be another productive day, ending with a bbq in the foothills with my hubby!!
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johnny what a dreadful situation. I agree with what sharyn has said -seems like you are between a rock and a hard place. I think only an attorney can tell you what rights you have.here we have legal aid for people who don't have much money. Getting better housing for yourself does seem like a good idea. and sharyn is right that starting your own discussion will likely bring more information your way, Good luck.
sharyn you sound very up beat and you have accomplished a lot. Good for you!. I have the front and back hall closets to clean out. The back hall has pretty well only my stuff, so I can do it more easily. Thundershowers are predicted for today so it is a good day for such activities, Sounds like the sanding is hard work. Coarser sand paper may help. Glad your mum's feet feel better.
Have a good BBQ. Foothills are some of my fave places.
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I had an AHA moment today and realised, due, I am sure, to my upbringing, I tend to focus on "doing" for the other person but not for myself ( knew that) and not for "us". The not for "us" was the AHA moment. I did and do "us" stuff with my kids - no prob there, and also with friends, but it is harder for me in closer relationships . There was no "us" when I grew up - it was all my BPD mother. And somehow, along the way, I learned to do things for "me" as well as for others, but much less so for "us" in some relationships.
Can anyone relate?
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Joan, I think I know what you are talking about, but give us an example of an "us thing" that you don't do. That would be helpful. Maybe working as a team? Not completely sure. Love, Cat
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U46526, I'm with Sharynmarie on this one. I didn't quite understand you situation.
What is bonded out? Does this mean you were arrested, and had to get bail, or something of the sort? Is the first part of your post some kind of identity theft, being committed by family members? Anyway, just wondering, maybe if you clear some of these questions up for us here, we could give you some ideas.
Margeaux
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Emjo, how are you doing?
I just wanted to clear something up about my sister and her kids living there situation. My one neice w/her boyfriend moved in 4 yrs., ago when the real caregiving of mom & aunt started. This was about the time officially got diagnosed w/ALZ. This niece & boyfriend, yes at first because of my old fashioned upbringing didn't think it right for my sister to allow her daughter to do this on a lot of levels. But at least by comparison to the other lazy niece who is still there the 22 yr. old, this one & boyfriend did help out when, my sis needed back up sitting of the two women. Also, last year when things got hairy w/aunt this couple moved out, are married now w/their first baby. She's actually the favorites of my nieces, I know we shouldn't do this, but oh well!

Never the less, I still think this kind of thinking by parents is wrong, and it appears to happen quite often nowadays, the allowing of couples to move in w/mommy & daddy. My brother, greedy one has this, and an orphanage growing in his household w/his adult kids.
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still coming to terms with it myself, Cat I grew up putting others first - it was demanded of me, however, I learned to put me first sometimes - enough to survive pretty well. I do the "we" thing with my children and in the classroom - used to build a great classroom environment - we all pulled together, and also in any community groups I chaired. We were solid as a group. I am beginning to learn to do it with mother - just to make sure it is good for her and good for me. I say no, or ignore a lot with her because it is good for neither of us if I pay too much attention to her narcissisms. It is not good to enable her self centeredness, or anyone else's. I still tend to look to fill the needs of others rather than looking after my own needs - something I have to monitor in myself.. For years it didn't occur to me with mother, for example, that what would be better all around was to look after the needs of the "we" as a team - rather than the you vs the me. It is a paradigm shift. Trying to think of an example. -she wants me to come back to her apartment when I visit and I know I will just get a barrage of complaints and crazy thinking. Under the old "me serving her" regime, I would go and "put up" with it, try to develop my patience etc to be able to tolerate it, try to redirect the conversation, find that I am not "good enough" to do it well enough, and end up aggravated and stressed. Under the "me serving me" regime, I just say say no, and don't go, and don't respond to her (or my)need for more communication/time for us. Under the "me serving us" - because I do want an "us" with my mother, as much as is possible, I consider carefully what my limitations are, but also what her needs and limitations are, and try to work out a compromise, and take her out to lunch and maybe on a short shopping trip where she will not have the opportunity to rant on as she does at home, but we still have a time together that is enjoyable for both. It is not that I haven't done this, just that I formulated the concept better in my head. When you "serve" another without taking yourself into consideration, you detract from the "us" - the team. I see lots of that on this site. I think everyone wants to be a team member rather than a servant. Does that clarify?
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I think it's important to love our parents the best that we can. They may not have been perfect, but barring anything criminal, we should forgive and forget. Way to go Victoria!
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aw darn it margeaux, i wrote a long post in response to yours and lost it. I will try again later - need to do some things - thanks for asking! ((((((hugs))))) Joan
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I'm at my wits end!!! As is my brother who is actually handling the bulk of my mothers care. Is there any recommendation for a therapist that me and my brother can go to WITH my mother? It would need to be in the Atlanta area. Any help would be most appreciated.
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Emjo and all who have been losing your comments after you almost finished a long one. I have found that when you type your comment, you need to remember to move your mouse pointer OUTSIDE of the comment box. Make sure it doesn't stay on the "backspace" or on any "ads or on top of any "topic discussion" wordings. When you type, the computer has a mind of it's own. Since it can't move the mouse, it will try to "Enter" while you're typing. When it does this with the pointer Inside the comment box, it will either erase whole paragraphs or the whole comment! If you rest it on the "discussion threads", it will open to that discussion. So, I try to keep the pointer off anything. When you do this, and the computer tries to Enter while you're typing, your words freeze because the action is now on the pointer. All you have to do..is move the pointer back to your last letter you just typed, click at the end, then move your pointer back off to the white background or empy space desktop. Then you can continue to type. This has happened Several times as I type for 1 comment! But, I don't lose as much except that one time..even though I moved the pointer to the white background, somehow, it would jump back into the comment box and the comments kept deleting suddenly. Hope it works for you all.
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Yes, I think everyone wants to be a team member. I never thought about it the way that you (Joan) stated it. We all have to work on relationships, I struggle with my relationship abilities.

We had a great bbq along the Stanislaus River. It was a nice evening not too hot, we walked around the trails and my hubby took a dip in the river...COLD!!
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HI Joan: Yes, I better understand that you want to have a relationship with your mom that is more mutual. You know, initially I thought maybe you were talking about your relationship with Gary; the us thing. Maybe it applies to both. I do understand that when you were growing up it was every person for them self. They was no support, no coalition, no team, meaning let's help each other.

Another step in your life and the life of your mom. Sending you blessings and wisdom. Love, Cat
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Good morning cat - Thanks. I think it applies to all relationships. It is something I am finding out about myself - better late that never (wry laugh here). It certainly does apply to my relationship with Gary, and with others though they are not as appropriate for discussion here. I use the example of mother, as that is within the focus on the site, though Lord, knows we digress all the time and to people's benefit. It is with mother that my problems with relating have originated. My AHA moment of when I serve others without consideration of me, I take away from the "us" in the relationship - applies to all relationships. I had never realised it quite that clearly. Seems stupid of me when I look at it now, but if you have been brought up by a personallty disorder narcissist, you don't learn some basic things about relating to people. I know others here can identify with that.
sharyn I agree - I think we were created to operate in teams, and we all want/need that. I struggle with some too. Sounds like you and your hubby had a great evening, but the thought of a cold dip makes me shudder ;)
careful - I do agree with forgiving, and to love and care for our parents as best we can, but, sometimes, as with a mentally ill parent, forgetting may not be so wise. I need to remember to be able to protect myself.
Ir1sh1 - I don't know what your story is - can you share more? Maybe someone here knows a therapist in your area. Maybe coming here and venting will help. Some one may have some ideas for you.
bkwm - thanks for the tips - my problem is that I am hitting some series of keys and closing ie (internet explorer). I tend to type quickly and inaccurately, and need to slow down,
have a great day everyone! Chance of thundershowers here - but lovely temps - high 70s.
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I am writing you back as I did not expect any kind of pos. responce .Thank you very much just having an ear helps alot .I am living on my disabilty which is not any where as much as I need and have used all most all my other assetts except for a few tools that I refuse to give up yet .I want to learn how to make a blog for this reason as I am sure that i am not the only one in this cituation now or in the past .This is an unfair fact that happens to family's the law is in a way that it allows a theif in the family steel what he desire;s .I know that you do not cure a disease by feeding it what it wants but feeding it what it needs like true displen when it effect others it is a problem that needs to addressed and that all involved need to be treaded equally with costing them all they have .I found a guy up in LakeLand that said he is leagal aid but he charged me the same money as all other attorney's did and starved me out so I am at lost and need help to learn how so I can help others stop this kind of treatment like my brother has done .My little brother is deseated but he has children as do my sister and I that should be sharing in the estate and he my older brother is giving it to his son this is not right and unfair to all of us that he has put out .Please tell me or show me how to do a blog it's probley easy but I han't done it, In the mean while I will be trying to do one
Johnny T.
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Hi margeaux - finally...
glad your niece with the bf helped - that makes a difference. I tend to be old fashioned too. I am so glad they are making a go of it. I think you are allowed favourites! ;)
re kids coming home - All my kids came back home at one point. for one reason or another - mainly because they needed the support, e.g my daughter was going through a divorce and custody battle, and needed support, .and also because this city is extremely expensive to live in. I was lucky. We (husband at the time) had bought this house many years ago, and it is paid off, The cost of renting here is dreadful. I always expected them to pull their weight financially, and in other ways, and they did. We all knew the arrangement was temporary. Each of my kids is now happily settled with a mate and looking after themselves well. So, I have a little diffferent perspective - I see nothing wrong with it, for a while, if everyone acts responsibly. I don't agree with kids moving back home and not contributing. Maybe we are not so far apart in our views.
Hope you have a great day ((((((hugs)))))) Joan
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emjo speaking of deleting when u first posted yest I wrote u this long response and erased the last line(because it didnt make since) next thing I know I erased the whole thing I just gave up Cat said what i did (u know Great minds think alike) I thought u were talking about Gary but It makes since now after reading your newer post... Just hope n pray you can do whatever that may be to make you happy then Im sure other relationship might b easier. I hear you on the kids moving back in. I agree if they need a short stay My 24 year old son had to start up a store about half hour away and he lives 2 hours away at the time he was roomates with 3 guys so he stayed here I loved every minute but I was glad to see him leave lol... My parents always let my sisters come home and after my mom passed my dad let my younger sister come home after a divorce now she is still there with her 3 kids and he is going nuts......
OKAY the other day I asked for advice about my SIL calling saying she was coming to get MIL on sunday to take her to her beaty shop while its closed to give her a perm, I hear you all do what is right for MIL BUT you have to know MIL she has alzhiemers and one minute she is in bed dont want out of it 4 nothing then next minute up trying to walk saying she is going outside but, MY SIL gave her a perm like 6 months ago and she still has it if SIL seen her hair wet but I dont have to worry now she never called or showed up...imagine that.....
GOOD DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!
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thx tbailey - I have done the same thing - deleted a post, but mostly I close the browser window down. Yes, of course I am talking about Gary, as well as mother and others I relate to. With mother is it simpler in some ways, as I have less contact with her. Having been on my own for many years, and too sick to much deal with things the last two, I am only coming to grips with what this is as applied to my relationship with him, and to some others. He and I are both very independent, and team building team at work is different from team building at home in some ways. I loved having my kids home too, but was glad to see them leave. Actually I started going a little nuts at one point, but then things changed - too much is too much. I have sympathy for your dad. It may be time for tough love.
So your MIL doesn't need a perm (wish I was so lucky after 6 months) and your SIL didn't call anyway - so problem over for now.
You have a good day too.

JohnnyT - I have no idea how to start a blog - maybe someone here does. I am sorry that you got "taken" by legal aide. I agree that your children and other family members should gave a part of the estate. We have many here with greedy relatives. I wish you luck!
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Hi Emjo,

Yes you're right about her family, they having lived there in mom's home. Although, last year when things began to get really hairy w/the narcissist aunt,
the niece w/boyfriend found out they were expecting a baby. So since then, they moved out, got married and have a beautiful baby boy.

I will admit, that at first when they did move in there with my sister, and the other lazy 22 yr. old niece into mother's home, I had these feelings concerning a couple, moving in. But fortunately this niece and the boyfriend, now husband did help out as back up sitting for the two elderly women, when needed. So I will say this on their behalf. But, I know I feel this way, on account of our upbringing. It would have been unheard of to bring home a boyfriend, (living together), into the family home. But I found out also when they moved in, they'd been living at my sister's rented place before this. Definitely for them also, there were obvious financial benefits, they both work. So, I guess that they just put their money away. But I'm glad they moved out, in any case. They need to establish their own lives separate from my sister. But the other lazy one, who is still treated like a primadonna is still there in my sister's care, HAAH! Anyway, the dysfunction my sister has made with her own family. But what's up nowadays w/parents??

Then, there's my brother, the greedy one, who has all his grown fam. ages 22-29, living there in his home. Same situation w/his daughter. She's got a 7 yr. old, and a 5 mo. old baby. She & her bf-father of the 2 kids, live there p.t., & then at his folks, who live very close by. His 29 yr. old son-has a 1 and a half yr. old.
I just found out his gf, gave birth to another baby girl 2 wks., ago. My brother, had a big fight w/his wife back in May, and sounds as if he asked her to leave.
Of course, he's claiming that she drinks too much, but he did his share of that also. Now they weren't the kind of people that got super drunk, but they were always having their beers. Well, the wife hasn't retuned to that household, since May. My sister and me think that she doesn't want to, because we feel she's tired of the way that my brother hasn't been able to put his foot down with those kids of his, and that they are still there creating some kind of an orphanage. Again here, it's about a parent, not showing their kids how to be responsible.
Margeaux
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Johhny T~There are many sites on the net that give step by step instructions for creating a blog. I hope it works out for you and the best of luck with your situation!

To everyone~relationships with our parents can at times be difficult but when mental illness is thrown in, it is almost impossible. Finding what works can be a challenge so that you can have some type of relationship that is mutually enjoyable.
My son and his wife lived with us for a year. They were suppose to pay us $200.00 a month but never did. As a parent we want to help our children when they are having a difficult time. My SIL has a 31 year old son still living at home, he can't afford to move out on his own, and her 28 year old daughter is still living at home, doesn't drive or work. The daughter is very very shy...and I think that my SIL's relationship with her enables the daughter to be the way she is. Just my opinion without sounding overly judgmental.
I have had 4 days off which I was able to get some things done around the house and yesterday morning I took a drive to the mountains to get some sunrise photos at Pine Crest Lake. It's been a great 4 days!
I received an email from my sister this morning. A few weeks ago she was being treated for pneumonia and she had a follow up x-ray. Dr.'s now think that whatever is in her lung is not pneumonia and she will have a CT-scan. My sister quit smoking about 5 months ago and hasn't been feeling well for the same number of months. She also is going to see a pulmonologist to rule out COPD. Take care everyone and have a great day!
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Hi - My Gordie's pic up instead of mine for a few days. Almost 10 years since I last saw him alive.

margeaux - I think a parent's job is to bring their kids up to be independent, not that that is always easy. Sounds like the failure to do that, and probably other things is creating a lot of problems at your brother's house. Those beers tend to add up.
sharyn - I agree that mental illness makes it almost impossible and very challenging. I know I have to let some things go when my kids were with me - don't think it was good for them or for me. Enabling can happen easily. So glad you have a great 4 days. Hope they find out what is going on with your sister, and that it is treatable.

I just found out that my kids dad has been diagnosed with Alz. The good news is that he is responding well to meds and is better than he has been in years. I know quite a few years back his wife suspected it, and I think he has had it for a while. He is 74. The bad news is that his mother has it too, diagnosed probably about the same age or a little older. She now doesn't recognize anyone and is in a small group home setting and well looked after, near her son. We think she had it quite a while before it was diagnosed, but her husband managed them both very well, until his physical health failed. This means my kids are at increased risk of getting it. It makes me feel sad, and makes me think ahead. My daughter has a husband who could look after her, and she has childrem The boys have no children and their mates mates, I am not so sure about. One is very dependent and has health issues herself, and the other one has mental health issues that she and my eldest ason manage very well. She is a stronge person, I think, Of course, increased risk does not mean than any of them will get it, but being their mum, I willl worry about it. All I can do is pray. Think I will go out and get a new do to perk up my spirits.
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Joan, what a radiantly handsome young man. I'm sorry you didn't get to have him here much, much longer. My heart aches for you. I will do extra praying for you to get through the next while with some peace. Thank you for sharing Gordy's picture; he just looks like the kind of kid you just want to squeeze and be around as much as possible-he looks full of personality and love! So unfair his life was cut short. Pls know I will hold you close to my heart and the ocean! Joan, i' sorry to hear about your exH. I know u will worry a out your kids regardless, but I have read transmission is believed more likely from the mother. So, keep staying the active, engaged wonderful woman that you are. Maybe you could fuss after them all a bit to keep active and eat healthy. I understand there are some very promising med's in trials outside the US (4 or5drugs, all a new type of tx approach, that may actually be curative, rather than a slower-downer of progression). I think they r in phase 2 and 3 trials on large scale populations. Everybody pray for success with better tx-- we soo need a CURE for these dreaded dementias. Hope all of you have a good day and some moments of joy. BTW, the new puppy story cracked me up! Long post I know, but Joan U R LOVED!! With u in spirit, kimbee
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