Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
tbailey~I can't imagine the experience of having a perm for someone with your mother's health issues as being a pleasant one. Just the bowel problems alone could make for a difficult situation. It sounds like your sis wants to do something nice for mom and maybe you could help redirect sis to something else that would be more comfortable for mom.
Victoria~It sounds like you are content with your life and have made a good situation out of a bad one. Bless you for having compassion and love in your relationships.
Darn...I have to go..My dad is touching his pooh from inside his pamper. He just threw his napkin with pooh on the floor and another also on the wastebasket half in and half out. And I see he has another tissue he's tucking under the pillow! Gotta go!!! emergency!!
tbailey - would it make any sesne to have your sil come to your home to do mils hair - just a cut, wash and set to begin with - thus not endangering mil and yet, if she is there for a hour or two, you get a break, she will see more of mil's realities. If she manages that well, the next thing could be a perm at home, and maybe eventually a perm at the shop if mil can cope.
u565425 - I sure am missing a lot of the details here, and have no idea what dcf is either, but there seems to be a lot of involvement with the police, charges etc, and bottom line, you want to see your dying dad - understandably. To me it would be better to not bring the police in but try to work out a situation with the nursing home so that you could visit your dad, possibly without your mum present as there seems to be tensions between you. I can't see that more charges and police involvement are going to accomplish what you want. Perhaps a visit with a social worker attached to the nursing home to work out some sort of compromise would help. Honey catches more flies than vinegar. A soft word turns away wrath. I wish you luck.
Victoria - as has been said, you have made a good situation out of a bad one. I happened upon another thread were you reported having difficulties with your sister - have I picked the wrong end of the stick? Not saying that it is anyone's fault. Is your sis able to help with your mum? Your mother is fortunate to have you. . It sounds like she is getting more difficult to deal with.I don't envy you. Love your name too!
sharyn - I think it is wise to go to the docs appointment with your mum. I feel the time is coming when I should be there for my mum, and in the hospital when she goes to ER. Being 5 hrs drive away makes that very difficult. Let us know how the mail redirecting goes. I wonder of there is any activity you could figure out with her that would keep her busy but not cause her anxiety. Wracking my brains here, but something like clipping coupons out of the newspaper for you, A few years ago I told mother that I thought it was a good idea that she report to me (by email) all the negative experiences she has with her caregivers. Well, that opened Pandora's box, and I hear about them again and again and again and... ad infinitum. But it does give her something to focus on, and, hey, Eureka - I had an idea - I may suggest that she send me the good things they do too, so we can reward them, and hope that will improve the sevice she gets. It sounds to me like your muj needs something to occupy her time, and maybe you can direct it to something less distressing for her.
79 and sunny here today. My kind of weather!
I amde tofu choc ice cream this moring and moose pot roast. Moose ribs on for soup. Good healthy stuff.
Have a great day everyone.
ps sharyn - did you get your closet cleaned? I am no further ahead except in my head lol
sharyn - the thought of your mum wandering the neighbourhood in her underwear - Oh dear lol - I would take her obsession with the mail too
Johnny T
My mother's feet problems is mostly from callous build up and the dr. shaved off a large amount. She said her feet feel better.
I hope everyone had a good Monday and tomorrow, will be another productive day, ending with a bbq in the foothills with my hubby!!
sharyn you sound very up beat and you have accomplished a lot. Good for you!. I have the front and back hall closets to clean out. The back hall has pretty well only my stuff, so I can do it more easily. Thundershowers are predicted for today so it is a good day for such activities, Sounds like the sanding is hard work. Coarser sand paper may help. Glad your mum's feet feel better.
Have a good BBQ. Foothills are some of my fave places.
Can anyone relate?
What is bonded out? Does this mean you were arrested, and had to get bail, or something of the sort? Is the first part of your post some kind of identity theft, being committed by family members? Anyway, just wondering, maybe if you clear some of these questions up for us here, we could give you some ideas.
Margeaux
I just wanted to clear something up about my sister and her kids living there situation. My one neice w/her boyfriend moved in 4 yrs., ago when the real caregiving of mom & aunt started. This was about the time officially got diagnosed w/ALZ. This niece & boyfriend, yes at first because of my old fashioned upbringing didn't think it right for my sister to allow her daughter to do this on a lot of levels. But at least by comparison to the other lazy niece who is still there the 22 yr. old, this one & boyfriend did help out when, my sis needed back up sitting of the two women. Also, last year when things got hairy w/aunt this couple moved out, are married now w/their first baby. She's actually the favorites of my nieces, I know we shouldn't do this, but oh well!
Never the less, I still think this kind of thinking by parents is wrong, and it appears to happen quite often nowadays, the allowing of couples to move in w/mommy & daddy. My brother, greedy one has this, and an orphanage growing in his household w/his adult kids.
We had a great bbq along the Stanislaus River. It was a nice evening not too hot, we walked around the trails and my hubby took a dip in the river...COLD!!
Another step in your life and the life of your mom. Sending you blessings and wisdom. Love, Cat
sharyn I agree - I think we were created to operate in teams, and we all want/need that. I struggle with some too. Sounds like you and your hubby had a great evening, but the thought of a cold dip makes me shudder ;)
careful - I do agree with forgiving, and to love and care for our parents as best we can, but, sometimes, as with a mentally ill parent, forgetting may not be so wise. I need to remember to be able to protect myself.
Ir1sh1 - I don't know what your story is - can you share more? Maybe someone here knows a therapist in your area. Maybe coming here and venting will help. Some one may have some ideas for you.
bkwm - thanks for the tips - my problem is that I am hitting some series of keys and closing ie (internet explorer). I tend to type quickly and inaccurately, and need to slow down,
have a great day everyone! Chance of thundershowers here - but lovely temps - high 70s.
Johnny T.
glad your niece with the bf helped - that makes a difference. I tend to be old fashioned too. I am so glad they are making a go of it. I think you are allowed favourites! ;)
re kids coming home - All my kids came back home at one point. for one reason or another - mainly because they needed the support, e.g my daughter was going through a divorce and custody battle, and needed support, .and also because this city is extremely expensive to live in. I was lucky. We (husband at the time) had bought this house many years ago, and it is paid off, The cost of renting here is dreadful. I always expected them to pull their weight financially, and in other ways, and they did. We all knew the arrangement was temporary. Each of my kids is now happily settled with a mate and looking after themselves well. So, I have a little diffferent perspective - I see nothing wrong with it, for a while, if everyone acts responsibly. I don't agree with kids moving back home and not contributing. Maybe we are not so far apart in our views.
Hope you have a great day ((((((hugs)))))) Joan
OKAY the other day I asked for advice about my SIL calling saying she was coming to get MIL on sunday to take her to her beaty shop while its closed to give her a perm, I hear you all do what is right for MIL BUT you have to know MIL she has alzhiemers and one minute she is in bed dont want out of it 4 nothing then next minute up trying to walk saying she is going outside but, MY SIL gave her a perm like 6 months ago and she still has it if SIL seen her hair wet but I dont have to worry now she never called or showed up...imagine that.....
GOOD DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!
So your MIL doesn't need a perm (wish I was so lucky after 6 months) and your SIL didn't call anyway - so problem over for now.
You have a good day too.
JohnnyT - I have no idea how to start a blog - maybe someone here does. I am sorry that you got "taken" by legal aide. I agree that your children and other family members should gave a part of the estate. We have many here with greedy relatives. I wish you luck!
Yes you're right about her family, they having lived there in mom's home. Although, last year when things began to get really hairy w/the narcissist aunt,
the niece w/boyfriend found out they were expecting a baby. So since then, they moved out, got married and have a beautiful baby boy.
I will admit, that at first when they did move in there with my sister, and the other lazy 22 yr. old niece into mother's home, I had these feelings concerning a couple, moving in. But fortunately this niece and the boyfriend, now husband did help out as back up sitting for the two elderly women, when needed. So I will say this on their behalf. But, I know I feel this way, on account of our upbringing. It would have been unheard of to bring home a boyfriend, (living together), into the family home. But I found out also when they moved in, they'd been living at my sister's rented place before this. Definitely for them also, there were obvious financial benefits, they both work. So, I guess that they just put their money away. But I'm glad they moved out, in any case. They need to establish their own lives separate from my sister. But the other lazy one, who is still treated like a primadonna is still there in my sister's care, HAAH! Anyway, the dysfunction my sister has made with her own family. But what's up nowadays w/parents??
Then, there's my brother, the greedy one, who has all his grown fam. ages 22-29, living there in his home. Same situation w/his daughter. She's got a 7 yr. old, and a 5 mo. old baby. She & her bf-father of the 2 kids, live there p.t., & then at his folks, who live very close by. His 29 yr. old son-has a 1 and a half yr. old.
I just found out his gf, gave birth to another baby girl 2 wks., ago. My brother, had a big fight w/his wife back in May, and sounds as if he asked her to leave.
Of course, he's claiming that she drinks too much, but he did his share of that also. Now they weren't the kind of people that got super drunk, but they were always having their beers. Well, the wife hasn't retuned to that household, since May. My sister and me think that she doesn't want to, because we feel she's tired of the way that my brother hasn't been able to put his foot down with those kids of his, and that they are still there creating some kind of an orphanage. Again here, it's about a parent, not showing their kids how to be responsible.
Margeaux
To everyone~relationships with our parents can at times be difficult but when mental illness is thrown in, it is almost impossible. Finding what works can be a challenge so that you can have some type of relationship that is mutually enjoyable.
My son and his wife lived with us for a year. They were suppose to pay us $200.00 a month but never did. As a parent we want to help our children when they are having a difficult time. My SIL has a 31 year old son still living at home, he can't afford to move out on his own, and her 28 year old daughter is still living at home, doesn't drive or work. The daughter is very very shy...and I think that my SIL's relationship with her enables the daughter to be the way she is. Just my opinion without sounding overly judgmental.
I have had 4 days off which I was able to get some things done around the house and yesterday morning I took a drive to the mountains to get some sunrise photos at Pine Crest Lake. It's been a great 4 days!
I received an email from my sister this morning. A few weeks ago she was being treated for pneumonia and she had a follow up x-ray. Dr.'s now think that whatever is in her lung is not pneumonia and she will have a CT-scan. My sister quit smoking about 5 months ago and hasn't been feeling well for the same number of months. She also is going to see a pulmonologist to rule out COPD. Take care everyone and have a great day!
margeaux - I think a parent's job is to bring their kids up to be independent, not that that is always easy. Sounds like the failure to do that, and probably other things is creating a lot of problems at your brother's house. Those beers tend to add up.
sharyn - I agree that mental illness makes it almost impossible and very challenging. I know I have to let some things go when my kids were with me - don't think it was good for them or for me. Enabling can happen easily. So glad you have a great 4 days. Hope they find out what is going on with your sister, and that it is treatable.
I just found out that my kids dad has been diagnosed with Alz. The good news is that he is responding well to meds and is better than he has been in years. I know quite a few years back his wife suspected it, and I think he has had it for a while. He is 74. The bad news is that his mother has it too, diagnosed probably about the same age or a little older. She now doesn't recognize anyone and is in a small group home setting and well looked after, near her son. We think she had it quite a while before it was diagnosed, but her husband managed them both very well, until his physical health failed. This means my kids are at increased risk of getting it. It makes me feel sad, and makes me think ahead. My daughter has a husband who could look after her, and she has childrem The boys have no children and their mates mates, I am not so sure about. One is very dependent and has health issues herself, and the other one has mental health issues that she and my eldest ason manage very well. She is a stronge person, I think, Of course, increased risk does not mean than any of them will get it, but being their mum, I willl worry about it. All I can do is pray. Think I will go out and get a new do to perk up my spirits.