notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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New puppy story - you lost me there - so share it, I could use a laugh.
Thanks again - love and hugs Joan
caregiver 1963 - a belated welcome. I am glad you have reached the "fed up " stage. Thanks for the laugh - "if I said or did something that offended you, from the bottom of my heart, I dont give a shit" " Oh yes, I can identify. I hope you are not facing cancer. Do let us know. My experience is that narcissistic individuals do not care how you are, just how much you will do for them. I totally agree - your mum can use other resources, and if she does't like what you are doing, or not doing, she can suck it up, she can call her other daughter, she can take other transportation etc. Caregiver1963, totally agree. Look after yourself. I reached that point some time ago. I am still healing from the wounds of the past, and need to protect myself. My own needs come first most of the time. My mother is still well cared for - by others, and I oversee it. I arrange my times with her so they are mostly in public, where she curtails her comments. I know if I go into her apartment I will get the latest litany of woes and wrongs, and anger at her caregivers for not being perfect etc. and what I should do to put the world right - for her. Ain't gonna happen! Sorry I have been late in responding. I am dealing with the 10th anniversary of my youngest son's death and it is tough. Treasure the times with your kids.
cmag -how are you doing with the new meds?
austin -glad to see you back
margeaux - how are your family dramas - you do well to stay on the sidelines
tbailey - I am working on the "we" thing is all areas, and it is opening up my eyes
hope everyone is doing OK and having a good weekend
Joan
I'm doing better with the medication changes. I see my psychiatrist in the morning.
My mother's 81 birthday is tomorrow and I will see her in afternoon.
Your post about thinking of relationships in the "we," really hit a chord with me.
I too had to be in charge most of my childhood with the siblings and my parents always working. On account of this, I know I was programmed quite early in my life to always be putting my sister, and two younger brothers needs over mine.
Of course, this gets transferred over to our other relationships like marriage, friendships and the like. But hopefully also, once we've realized who the narcissists, or demanding people are in our lives, considering the "we," it all gets easier, or like they say we go with the flow. Kudos to you! I have been doing this lately, even w/my husband (which sometimes is more challenging), I must say.
It feels good too! I think it feels good, because it makes me feel like I'm more in control, rather than some of these people controlling me.
The picture of your son is precious! It is obvious that he is a bright soul!
Well, we are in Mercury retrograde right now, so could be affecting the glitches we are experiencing also. Love & Light! Margeaux
How are you doing? I read your post about your sister and her health issues.
Well, I just want you to know that both of you are in my thoughts.
Let's all hope for a good outcome. Take care, hugs, Love & Light to you! Margeaux
1. She has an Interstitial Lung Disease
2. She has Pericardial Effusion (fluid around the heart)
3. She has chrontic diarrhea (colonoscopy on Aug. 3)
I do not know a prognosis or course of treatment. My sister knows more than what she has told me, but she is so behind at work and I will catch up with her on Friday.
My brother has Usual Interstitial Pneumonia/Fibrosis and has been receiving high doses of Prednisone. His variety is not fatal and he will eventually be weened off the Prednisone and only need to take a dose every other day. The scarring in his lungs will not progress (according to Stanford University). He had to have a lung biopsy to determine exactly what type of lung disease he had. My brother quit smoking at least 30 years ago so I don't know if smoking had anything to do with him developing this now. He was told he can live a relatively normal life using an inhaler especially when he goes into higher elevations which he and his wife like to do.
Thank you so much for prayers and positive thoughts♥!
sharyn - good advice to your sis to hang onto her money. Diarrhea and blood is not a good thing. I checked out diffuse interstitial. changes and it is a catch-all and could mean a number of different things. I had a bad session of grief this time, Some friendswho hjave lost a child found 10 years particularly hard too - so long, It all lifted yesterday about noon, thankfully. (((((hugs)))) waiting is hard.I know you have an update and I will comment on that separately.
Margeaux - I find doing the "we" thing doesn't come naturally, so I have to work at it in some areas. I am doing it now with mother pretty well all the time - need to for survival. The "having to practice at we" more is all tied in with getting approval - reinforcement - as a child for looking after others and not speaking up about self. I find it a hard pattern to break, but am better than I was. I agree it is more challenging with sig other, but feels good when you do it. Like you, for me it means taking control of my life, rather than letting others manage it. Thanks about Gordie's pic. His smile lit up the room, and he was a very friendly guy. There were about 600 young people at the memorial service in our town. We didn't know most of them, but they knew him.
beautiful day here - about 77 and sunshine. My kind of weather. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Well, it is good that you've advised your sister about the sale of her home.
I'm sure it's every parent's dream to leave something for their children. But with her health problems, her future definitely comes into consideration here. I know you have mentioned that her daughter lives in Idaho. Does she have any relationship, with her, so they can be of assistance also? You have your hands full with your mom. Anyway, hope I'm not overstepping, to say that you may want to start enlisting them in this.
Well, you and your family continue being in my thoughts! Hugs, Hang in there,
Love & Light, Margeaux
There must be something about the 10th year after someone passes. It is 10 yrs. also I lost my dad. He's on my mind many times, but lately it's been more intense. He too was a wonderful soul. He had a great sense of humor.
How is your mom doing?
O.K., I hope you are dong well. Hugs, and you're in my thoughts! Love & Light!
Margeaux
Lately, I have some cousins from that side of the family who are interested to gather the family history information. We don't know enough about this, but my sister told me our dad had told her he came to the US at age seven, with 3 older brothers and their dad. Apparently the mother (my grandma) stayed behind in their country of origin w/several other kids. My dad and uncles didn't see their mother for another 7 yrs. WHOAH! This really choked my sister up as she was telling me this over the phone. I must admit, this affected me. It made me sad, to think of my dad at such a young age, not having his mom around at all. It kind of explained some of the dysfunction my dad would experience later.
Anyway, so then my sister brought my mom over to my place, and we went for lunch.
I saw my mom over the 4th of July. She looked more frail to me this time. She really is having a harder time walking. My sister said that I'm not sure it sounds like she took a fall over a week ago, fell on the rug, so there was padding. This happened while the caregiver was there, so I don't know, sounds kind of weird.
So my sister and the caregiver are really having her use the walker now even inside the house. I guess these are the moments where I can see the toll the passing of my mom's sister has taken on her also. Emotionally it was a rough day.
O.K., I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Margeaux
I am thankful things are relatively quiet as I am dealing with an allergic reaction to a drug I am taking, which makes me lightheaded and so on. I have stopped the drug and hope the infection is over. The specialist is on holiday. my doctor seems to know little about what I have, so I asked the pharmacist for the same drug in liquid firm rather than tablet, as it is probably a filler or the coating that I am allergic too rather than the drug itself. I hope so. So far, after a couple if days, I am OK without it. I hope this continues because it would mean after over 2 years I am finally healed of the infection. YAY!!! I will try the liquid form in a couple of days, once my head is feeling normal again, to see if I get a reaction to it.
I will go to the city next week to get my hearing tested, and also to see my older grandson, and with my ex see if we can help him get some work, Finally he has realised that he needs to work to support himself. My ex thinks he can get him into a union, which should help a lot. There is work in his area. and connections should help.
Thanks for asking. I'll address your most recent email in a bit in a separate post.
(((((((hugs)))))
Joan~The 10th anniversary is a difficult one from what I have been told by many people dealing with the loss of a child/spouse. My eldest brother lost his son in May of 2002. I am happy to hear you are feeling better on all accounts and that your infection may be cleared up now! I will keep you and your grandson in my thoughts.
I am working on the "we" as well. My mother being the biggest challenge. I can be quite creative when I put my mind to it so I just have to find ways that I can have an enjoyable time with her that is mutually enjoyable. She closed out her checking account and opened a new one because she can't balance it, the big picture is, she blames my sister for it not balancing. Now that she has done this, my sister who was a signer on the account, is now no longer (paranoid thinking that sister is writing checks against her account).
The colonoscopy on Friday was negative!! They did suggest to my sis that she eat more fiber to bulk up and to use a fiber supplement. The intrestitial lung disease is basically pulmonary fibrosis that is chronic but treatable. Apparently smoking is not the cause at least from what doctors now know. The cause does tend to be unknown. I also looked it up and treatment seems to be steroids (which will raise blood sugar). My sis is already diabetic so I don't know if there is another way to treat it. She will have more info for me this next week as she will follow up with the cardiologist and the pulmologist.She is very positive and relieved that it is not cancer! I will update when I know more. (((Hugs))) right back at you!!
Margeaux~I can understand you and your sis's feelings regarding your father coming over to the US at such a tender age and being separated from his mom for such a long time. It is amazing when we get a look at our parents beginnings and can put things together. No, you are not out of place in suggesting my sister's daughters step up to the plate. Her eldest daughter is difficult (42 yrs. old) and I suspect she has a personality disorder as well. Her younger daughter may be the one to help. I honestly don't see how I can adequately assist my sister when/if she starts needing help 2-3 times a week. Driving the 45 minutes back and forth may not seem like much, but when I have to work on top of it, it can be a difficult task. My thoughts are that she may have to sell her house and move to Kentucky where her daughters live.
My thoughts are with you and Joan♥!
Sorry you are seeng your mum get frailer, but they will, won't they? I know seeing that in my mum has affected me, and yet I know it is natural and will continue. I would be concerned about a fall too, Sounds like a walker in the house is a good idea. I can see it would be a very emotional day for you,
sharyn - sorry about your nephew - the 10th was hard -glad it is past now. Oh dear, the paranoia is a problem. Let us know what ideas you come up with for enjoying time with your mum.Mine just wants to sit and talk about all the negatives! Nothing new there. What wonderful news about the colonoscopy!!! Yay!!! A change in diet is much better than the other alternatives. I bet she is relieved. Keep us updated about the lung disease as you find out more. Does your sis manage her diabetes with diet and exercise, or does she need drugs? Did they say anything more about the pericardial effusion? Maybe it is tied into the lung disease. I don't see how you can do your job, look after your home, and your mum and your sister too. That seems like way too much. It makes sense to me for her to move closer to her daughters - especially if there is one who is normal.and could help. Personality disorders do seem to run in the families.
(((((hugs))))) to all
I've done some work on my dad's family, plus a little for friends. The ancestry site is a monthly charge, so I don't keep it up if I'm not in the groove, but all the information you find you can keep stored on your site if you want to go back and do more research.
I had a friend who was Jewish and he told me about his elderly mother who was sent to live in England as a child just before the war broke out. She never heard from her family again and always wondered what had happened to them. It really bothered her. I asked him if he would like me to poke around and see if I could find anything about her parents, grandparents and sibs. I told him I wouldn't do it unless his mother was absolutely sure she wanted the information. In addition, I couldn't do it without her assistance because she knew all the names and locations in Germany where her family had lived.
His mom was so happy to have me work on this. It was very sad, but I did find all of the family, when they were deported, where they were sent and where they died. When I had all the information, I again talked to her son and told him of my findings. I wanted to be sure, once again, that she wanted this information. She did and I printed all the documents out, maps and locations and mailed everything to her and also went over everything with her by phone. She told me that I finally had laid to rest 70 years of grieve and wondering.
FYI, none of this info was on my ancestry site. It was in different archives. No offence to anyone of German decent, but they were very good at keeping records during Hitler's day and many of those records are now available.
Anyway, I digress. My point in genealogy is fascinating and the little as well as the big things you pick up can be very insightful. I'm far from an expert, but if you want to pursue it you can do so with the help of these sites.
Sending you love and hugs, Cattails
At my mother's recent birthday bash and family reunion, I reconnected with a couple of cousins, who I was close to, and found that time hasn't changed our relationship. We exchanged a few emailsm, and then I stopped, as "covering up" the family realities was just too uncomfortable. Their parents (my mother's sibs) knew her, and her problems very well. I think they also knew her interaction with my sis as some reached out to me, but not to sis. So I am in the unpleasant position of wanting to keep contact, which for me has to be pretty honest, but not wanting to wash dirty laundry in public (I know I do it here but that is different), and not knowing how to deal with it. One cousin mentioned something about visiting my sister in Scotland. I just clammed up. Another cousin has a son who lives in mother's city who has been helpful to her, but from whom she is now estranged. "I don't know why I don't hear from C anymore." Well, I think I know why, she criticised him over the reunion arrangements, and his speech of tribute to her, which he took on willingly, and did a very good job of. So that cousin probably has an idea of what goes on, in mother's case anyway. I do want to keep this renewed contact, and I know they are wondering why I have not responded. I took the risk of being honest with my sister's estranged son and family, and have been richly rewarded, and am developing a great relationship with them, and getting to know two very nice people, and their young son. I will send them some of the "family treasures" I got from mother, as they have been left out in the cold as regards my sis. Everything she has goes to her daughter and sil. Years ago, when an older cousin, prompted by mother, landed on me, I wrote him back a five page letter about our family. By return mail, he apologised, and said he had known there was something wrong.
Any wisdom would be appreciated.
Hope everyone is having a good day.
Yes, we do have to expect them becoming more frail. I guess it kind of yanked my chain, hearing the story from my sister first about dad. Then, she went into more emotional things concerning my mom, and how she's going to miss her when she passes, etc. But I don't know about my sister......a day later, I followed up with a call. At the end of our call, I told her that I'd probably be over there to see mom, and the tone of her voice sounded a bit like, a "yes, sure you will." Although she didn't say it quite this way, it sounded like this.
She apparently took the entire week off of work last week, since the caregiver asked for some time off. I never once heard from my sister last week. Interesting, because neither of my brothers ever go there and do the sleep overs w/mother, if needed. But I get these attempted guilt trips from my sister. I'm absolutely sure she never does this to my brothers.
Well, I'm happy for you Emjo that you are finding your mom more subdued.
Yes, and I guess this is many people's stories, having had some family members go to other countries for work, then relocating the rest of the family. I definitely know I'm not alone on this point.
Thank you Emjo for the support and hugs! Hugs right back at you, Much Love, Margeaux
Well, I'm happy to hear of the outcome with your sisters prognosis with respect to the tests. Good for you that you are looking out for yourself also, trying to enlist her daughter.
Yes, talking about the family history does seem to put those missing pieces of the puzzle into place, it's real interesting to me on a lot of levels.
You and yours are in my thoughts. Hugs, Much Love, Margeaux
For now, it appears that my cousins who I'll be meeting in a couple of weeks will first try to uncover some oral history. Then hopefully, I can gather more info., such as dates of birth, etc.
I have a cousin on mother's side of the family, who has really investigated his family tree, and I think he went as far back as the 1600's. How cool is that!
Thank you very much for the information, truly appreciated, and from someone who has used it.
Hugs to you, Much Love, Margeaux
I wonder if anyone has had this experience and can give me some advice. My parents are still living in their home and refuse to leave (years 87 and 90). I have connected my parents with a home care agency and they can have someone come out 2 days a week to stay with my dad while my mom gets a breather. My dad has been demanding that she leave and my mom just stands and shrugs her shoulders. He has dementia and has become very demanding, paranoid and unpredictable. I called the home care agency and they said that if my mom does not support the worker, they can do nothing. I thought that these visitors were trained to deal with this kind of situation. Any thoughts. I am not quite sure how to proceed. If I could be there I would, but I work.
Do you mean that you're feeling like you have to cover up the real obvious things about both you sister and mom? Oh, don't I know this feeling!
Now, i don't know what your relatives think about your sister. But in my family, my sister always sets herself up to look like a martyr. I think some of my family have always somehow thought of my sister being a real dedicated daughter, since she's the one who lives over there w/mom. The reality is that I've heard at times over the years how several of the relatives are aware that my sister is a controller. Like this weekend she did drive over to our place and invited me and my husband for lunch w/her & mom. After she does these kinds of things, I call it, "trying to weave me into her clutches, so she can make me feel a day later, that I'm not going to visit mom. The subtle guilt trips.
But anyway, I know that feeling this kind of dysfunction creates. Here you probably want to really share, and I'm not talking in a gossipy way about your family, to people who know them. But yes, as you wrote about that relative you wrote that 5 page letter to, his view of your immediate family sounds very distorted.
Good you said something on your own behalf.
Many times, when I feel as if one of my relatives is going to go on a rave about my sister, and certainly implicate a guilt trip w/me, I have said in so many words that my sister likes to control. But yes, I'm aware that some of them would never understand what we've lived through with our mother's sisters, etc. I'll give you an example. My sister's daughter, who I became close to, she being one of the first grandchildren, while she was a baby, I baby sat her, and was bonding with her.
Well, this served my sister, who at the time was breaking up w/this daughter's father. But as soon as my sister got wind of the fact my niece was bonding with me, she literally created a fight with me, and ultimately yanked my little niece from me emotionally. Boy, I learned my lesson early on. This niece is almost 30 yrs. old now. We've become a bit closer, now that she has a baby. But, sometimes it runs through my head, I wish I could tell her why I wasn't much in her life while she was growing up. But then I like you have this reluctance for a variety of reasons, one also not wanting my niece that I'm talking behind my own sister's back. You can see my sister has a real issue with jealousy!
Emjo, I'm confused just as you are on this issue. It's currently playing out again, w/my sister and one of our cousins, again jealousy at the core of it. Okay, but possibly some of these relatives know something about our sisters, and mothers not so ingratiating behaviors. Well, no definite answer, but I hope at least you know I have the same feelings about this matter. But you know what? If your cousins are nice people, and all of that, don't allow others to dictate by their behavior the good time you could have with your relatives, also. I hope this helps!
Hugs! Hope your allergy got better. Margeaux
Joan~I do believe being honest is the best way to go. They may already have information on some level but may not be sure what is the truth. There is always hesitation when we put our heart on our shirt sleeve not knowing how someone will accept it. You said your mother is estranged from your cousin's son and you have been richly rewarded in connecting with him and his family through honesty. I suspect he has told his parents what happened so they already know a bit (possibly more) of how your mother is. You mention about your sister in Scotland and being asked about a visit. Is this whether you have visited her or are they wanting to visit? I am assuming this is the sister you have mention who is a lot like your mother only worse? I would suggest being honest but cautious until you feel that you can say more. Don't miss this opportunity with your relatives to establish a meaningful relationship with them. I say this because my eldest brother (the hero or golden boy of the family) has disowned me, my sister, and my other brother due to what I see as him being a lot like my mother and possibly an alcoholic. He is the brother who lost his son in 2002. He didn't tell us until the funeral was over. I tried in the spring of 2010 to reconnect with him. I told him I never really knew you because to me you were already an adult (8yr. between us). I also reassured him the my sister, brother, and myself did not embrace our mother's philosophy about life. He responded with anger that he was told he was not a Kelso (my maiden name) and that he has not heard from any of us in years. I tried so hard to explain to him that when I was raising my kids and working full time I lost contact with many people and I was trying to make amends to that now. As far him not being a Kelso, that came from my mother not from his siblings. He wants nothing to do with us. I get an email from his wife once or twice a year but she is usually asking for information. Develop this relationship and enjoy it in honesty♥♥!!