The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~I think I am caught up now. My daughter called while I was posting to you and I lost it. My fault. I research my mother's family back to the 1700's. I was not able to find the country of origin though. I suspect it is Germany. I have a great-great grandmother on my mother's side (maternal) that is half Cherokee Indian but I can not find any information about her. I was able to get the ship name my father came over on to the US on in 1948 on Labor Day. I printed out all this information. My father came from Northern Ireland. I suspect his family originated in Scotland. He came from a small village called Upperlands and if you look it up it tells about the Clark family which my grandfather, uncle, and my father work for. My mother's brother was in the 82nd airborn during WWII and was stationed at one point in Northern Ireland. He met a young woman who worked at Port Rush (a sea side resort). The two fell in love and got married. The young woman was my father's sister. After the war they moved back to Pa. in the US and encourage my mother and father to write to each other which they did. Eventually my father came here in 1948 but my mother wanted nothing to do with him (red flags). After some months in Pa. he left and move to Ca. where his uncle told him he could get him a job. Shortly after my mother followed. An older couple (one of the first people my parents met in Ca) had a flower shop. The woman, Hazel started the flower shop by selling bouquets on the road side. Her husband, Frank, worked for Coca-Cola until the flower shop took off. This couple was the closest we (my siblings and me) had to grandparents. They were always a part of all our family events and had no children.. Hazel was such a role model for me and my sis in many ways. This is were it really gets interesting. Hazel and Frank were from Canada and got married in Reno, NV in the 1920's. However, Frank was already married with children. Hazel was a registered nurse in Canada. They met, fell love and staged Franks death. Amazing!!! They staged his death in a car accident where he lost control and drove into a fast flowing river and his body was washed away. I did not find out about this until the early 1980's. Hazel had such guilt as she got older and wanted to come clean with Frank's children. So off to Canada they went and confessed their story. One on Franks son's was not so forgiving in the beginning (understandably). Hazel wanted a clean state with God before she died so it was very important to her to clean all this up. She died in 1985 and Frank in 1986. I found out about Hazel and Frank when visiting my parent and my mother let it slip out. I questioned her and she told me their story. She and my dad had only found out a couple months prior. I was shocked at first but came to accept it quickly. Back to ancestry.com. I was able to trace my mother's family and so happy to get the ship manifest my father came to the US on. It is a great site and I hope to be able to trace my father's family in Northern Ireland at some point. End of my story!! Love and Hugs to you and everyone!!

emjo: If you like these people, just let them know you do and you would like to stay in touch. When the time presents itself, you can simply explain that the relationship between your mom and sister is stained. My guess is they will understand and probably already know more than you suspect. Don't let a potential good family connection go by. Just be yourself and take your time in sharing. If you chose to share with them, it will be because you feel safe. Hugs, Cattails

Hi Sharyn and Margeaux: Regarding family geology. My dad was the oldest of 6 children., born in Wales, UK, For some reason, my dad always felt like he might not really be born to both of his parents. My dad was born in 1922 and these were difficult years economically and his family lived with his paternal grandparents. His grandmother was especially fond of him, but both grandparents died young.

His dad then tried to get other extended family members to take on my dad's care; farm him out on siblings. I think this was why my dad felt like his parentage might be in question. His parents argued a lot and it scared him. There had been some whisperings of a dead previous wife, nothing a young child could really understand, but enough to make him wonder who his mom was and if he might have come from a secret previous marriage or relationship.

My dad never shared any of this with me until he and my mom moved to live next to us in 2005. After my parents moved here, my dad and I would walk together in the mornings and this would be the time he answered my questions and talked about his childhood.

I did not realize that any of this family drama existed, but in October of 2000, I traveled to Wales to visit my dad's family. The Grandparents were long deceased, but I stayed with my dad's youngest sister. My cousin, (my age) who had recently lost her husband was also living with her mom (the aunt I stayed with). Boy, did we hit it off and this is where I learned of the mysterious, previous, possible other wife that my Grandfather may have had. My aunt, who was caring for her dad in his last year came across an old marriage certificate. It was to someone other than their mother. She didn't remember the name because she was so stunned, but immediately asked her dad about it and he just blew a fuse and tore up the document. She asked him the burning question, was my dad a product of his first marriage of second marriage. The old man would not talk about it, so the family drama of "was my dad from the same parentage as his siblings?" continued.

My aunt also told me rumors of her dad and his brother going to a graveyard on a regular basis and it having to do with a past woman and a dead child. No one was sure if the dead woman and child applied to her dad or his brother, so the mystery continued. I don't know why they never investigated any of this as they grew older, maybe the culture of unanswered rumors was just more interesting.

I never asked my dad about this when I returned from Wales. I did, however, become acquainted with a local woman who did a lot of genealogy work and traveled to Salt Lake, Utah every year to pour through the vast stash of records that the Mormon church keeps for genealogy purposes. I gave her the name and birth date information I had on my Grandfather and asked if she would search for a marriage previous to his second. I also explained about a possible dead child, the whole graveyard thing and gave her the date of my dad's birth.

She did find a previous marriage for my dad's father. She had a possible lead on a dead child, but it wasn't much to go on. She gave me the document numbers needed for a copy of the wedding certificate which I had to write for and order. All of this happened over a period of several years, so I didn't get a copy of the marriage certificate for some time.

Hey it's getting late, so I am going to go to bed and finish this story tomorrow. It really is fascinating so I hope you will continue it with me.

Hugs, Cattails





Long story short, I found on Ancestry where my paternal grandparents had married and also my dad's birth records. As it turned out, my dad's mom was pregnant when she married my grandfather and my dad was born some months later. So he was their child and clearly not from some rumored earlier relationship.

continued.

Emjo, I think you should maintain contact. I also agree with cat - you can exchange emails. When you feel comfortable when they ask again about your sibling/mom, you can then decide to do so.

May I also give a little heads up, if you ever do decide to communicate by FB, please note that Everything you post on FB is NOT private no matter if you set it as "private." FB has been known to "sell" information on FB member's private info. Per HLN news...If you want to exchange some personal information, I strongly recommend the "outdated" mode of emails.

From experience, one day I met my 2 aunties at Kmart. We got to talking. I must have been frustrated because it all came out - all the venting/frustration of caring for bedridden mom and my dad's terrible mouth (verbal abuse.) My aunts were surprised when they found out that "favorite" bro and family of next door were NOT helping me. They all thought sibling/fam were helping! (You see, when relatives come to visit, bro and sil comes over and act like they are helping, etc...) So, I'm just stating that only these 2 aunties and their husbands know the true situation here. All my mom's sisters/brothers think that my bro and his wife are helping. Sometimes, keeping your mouth shut and keeping the "family dirty laundry" as private - can work against you and give credit to those who do not even deserve it. FYI...both aunties strongly encouraged me to leave home and pursue my own life/dream. Sigh...I wish...

Teacher, it would be difficult for your parent to embrace the caregivers since they are "strangers." Would it be possible for you to be there for the first couple of visits? Help to get everyone comfortable with each other. Talk small talks, talk about the past, etc...Then when parents are comfortable with these caregivers, they (or atleast your mom) will say/do something if your dad goes against them.

It also depends on the caregivers. I've met some who comes to sponge bathe my parents. Some of them are so quiet they don't talk. They're just here to do the job and that's it. Some are so friendly, that despite my dad's mouth (verbal or sexual harrassment comments), they are able to respond jokingly to him ...or just ignore it and change the subject. These are the ones that I noticed knows my dad. To distract him, they will bring up his favorite subject like health issues or herbals or his stroke. When they leave, my dad will say, "I like Clara." etc...Teacher, trust me, my dad is Known here for his mouth. My brother has a difficult time finding a paid caregiver. They don't even want to recommend anyone because they value their relationship with the other caregiver!!

Cat~Ancestry is suppose to have many new records available now. I haven't been to the site to search anymore. Thank you for sharing your history, it is interesting to learn about the histories, making the connections to things we have heard about but not being sure it is true. This is the case with my g-g grandmother being Cherokee. I will probably never know. Have a good night.

Margeaux~I wanted to let you know I can relate to the jealously issue with your sister. Some of that goes on between my sis and me too but not the same degree as you and your sister. Take care and hugs!!

Back to my genealogy story. I did get a copy of the first marriage certificate from Salt Lake. My dad's sister, brother, my cousin and her hubby came from Wales to visit us and my parents. I made copies of all the documents I had and we all sat around the dining room table, eating cookies and going over everything.

I couldn't find out what happened to the first wife, whether she died in childbirth or they got divorced.

None of my dad's sibs realized that their mom was pregnant when she married their dad, but it explained a lot of things.

Anyway, that's the end of my long winded g story.

Cattails

Cat~Haha about the long winded story. I guess I rambled on too long about a subject that I find interesting and I did enjoy your history as well.

My sis went to the cardiologist yesterday and he thinks her heart is perfectly healthy by the EKG. He is going to do an echocardigram to be sure. Thinks the fluid, lungs and psoriasis are all connected with the high levels of inflammation showing in her blood work. Have a good day

Cattails

What a mysterious story! Well it takes all of that research, I'm glad you had this friend from Utah who was able to locate this marriage certificate document for you.
I'm wondering what is going to be revealed just the day I get together with my cousins. Quite interesting also how it appears as if close relatives also do not know important information about others lives.

Margeaux

I emailed my sister yesterday to let her know of the get together w/our cousins concerning the history of the family. It's being held at our cousin Lily's who doesn't drive since she has diabetes. We are meeting during the week on a Thurs at 1:00.
So I thought I'd let my sister know, since she'd probably have to arrange to take some time off work.

So I didn't hear from her when I forwarded the email inviting her and me, etc.
I call her in the evening to tell her of this, and she says she didn't receive the email.
She then, suspiciously asks me whether she was invited. I say "Duhhhhh!!!" Well, I said this to myself. This was the reason I was calling her.

I live on the other side of town to where the gathering will be. So my cousin, Dee had called me the day I received the invitation, to ask whether we could ride there together. I said yes, no problem. Now, I did tell my sister of this plan.

The very next day, I receive an email from my sister saying to me, "To tell my cousin to meet us at our mom's house" (in other words-we'll all go together).
She then goes into this negative talk about Dee, that she doesn't know why Dee asked me to be back up for her, blah di blah...that Dee probably doesn't want to walk into the gathering by herself. She also states, that she was mad at Dee, since when she's asked Dee for assistance w/mom, Dee didn't come through, since my sister wasn't paying her. Now Dee in the past did caregive our mom and aunt for awhile, paid through some state program. Truth be told, I know Dee got her share from my aunt, then this program was ended for budget cuts.

Now, am I crazy? But I got it, that my sister was definitely trying to make our cousin, Dee look bad. But I didn't like the tone of the email, of saying "Tell Dee to meet us at mom's." Notice how she doesn't say ask. Oh, and my sister also wrote she's taking our mom w/her to this gathering. I was so annoyed when I read this email. She is making some assumption that possibly Dee & me shouldn't go together, w/o her. But she sure defamed my cousin to me.

Do any of you think I'm wrong in thinking that this time, I'm questioning why my sister has decided to take mom to this. Our other cousin invited we the cousins.
Plus, my sister just keeps saying, "oh, I think mom would like to go, I think they would like to see her, etc." Well, my sister doesn't know this right now, but I'm making sure I just pick up Dee, and we go separately! Besides, I'm feeling that here we go again, my sister is hell bent on her display of being the dedicated martyr, and that day she'll have the perfect audience. Anyway, can anyone weigh in, or am I being petty. It's o.k., too if you become the Queen of Swords with me. Margeaux

I understand the Mormons have archivies I think Salt Lake City that have family records -a distant cousin of my late husband went there to find out info about the family-for some reason the Mormons keep very detailed accounts and the public cane visit the building where the records are kept to get family history.

Margeaux, not knowing the family dynamics but based only on your comments and what I would do...I will email the following...that cousin so-and-so only invited the cousins and that you have already made arrangements with Dee to go together. If sis is bringing mom, then it's best that she brings her own car in case mom gets tired, then sis and mom can leave any time. As for you and Dee, you're not sure how long you will be at cousin's. If sis insists you take them, then depending how firm you can be with sis, you can tell her: "No, Dee and I are going together. You can take mom with you in your own car."

My family knows me for my mouth - I say it like it is - blunt to the point. Sis always tells me that I need to be more...nice. So, if you can't say it the way I would, I'm sure you know how to "soften" it up!!! ;-)

Sharynmarie, You have quite a family story too. It is interesting the reasons why people possibly end up moving to other parts of the country or world. Have you thought of trying to find whether there are any Cherokee records. I realize this may be more of a challenge, because many Native Americans rely on oral history. But who knows, maybe someone has organized this also.

Your story about Hazel and Frank is like something out of a novel.

O.K., have a good day, talk later, Margeaux

Bookworm,
The family dynamics are that my sister wants to run the show, call all of the shots.
She is a very controlling personality.

Now, this invitation was for about 9 of the women cousins to gather.
As soon as I inform my sister, she starts to lay all of this, she's decided to take my mom routine. I personally feel that this time it should be we, just the women cousins.
The invitation by the cousin organizer was not extended to our mother. Now, my sister keeps putting up statements such as, "I know mom would like to go." "I know the cousins would like to see her." While I can agree w/these to a certain point, my sister completely ignores, that given mom in her condition really doesn't communicate anymore, I was also wondering how mother might handle listening to our efforts to discuss our dad's family history, (mom's deceased husband). Mom rarely talks about our dad anymore, she has ALZ. So I was even thinking in this sense. But another point, is that I feel if mom is there, since our cousins haven't seen her in awhile, it's going to take away a bit of the focus as to why we are gathering in the first place also. I don't want to sound as if I'm just trying to be anti-mom. Basically for said reasons is why I feel this way.

It rubs me the wrong way also, since this is usual method of operation for my sister, (she telling you) other's wants/especially her own, with no regards to being appropriate to situations.

I did speak to her briefly last night, and I'd already expressed whether my mom would really be up to going to this gathering. But in my sister's fashion, she's already shown me that she will take mom, no matter what. Needless to say, she's quite imposing!

Yes, I do plan to go w/my cousin on our own! The two of us live further away, and actually going to meet up w/sister & mom, is taking us out of the way, for that day.

Thank you, and you made me laugh with the comment about how you tell it like it is! I wish I could be so bold. Much Love, Margeaux

Hi everybody, just did some catching up! Really enjoyed hearing all the genealogy stories. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Margeaux~I enjoy history including family history/genealogy. Like you, I find it interesting to discover the origins. I did enjoy Cats history, it is amazing how her father intuitively felt something regarding himself. Maybe he picked up on discussions as a child that make him feel as he did. Back in the day pregnancy before marriage was such a taboo. Yes Frank and Hazel's story is like a novel. I can only imagine the pain his children went through when the truth came out. Forensics wasn't well developed at that time.

I think you are doing the right thing with your sister in regards to the family get together on genealogy. My sis is financially strapped so she doesn't have a home computer or cell phone. I will text her younger daughter once or twice a month, giving me info on nieces life before my sister. Sis gets very upset if I mention something regarding her daughter. I have gotten now where I don't mention things as it is better if sis learns the info from her daughter not from me. I know it is not because sis resents my relationship with her daughter, sis just wants to know first but she is limited because of her financial situation and texting so much easier than calling. I hope you get lots of good info regarding your family history and I hope you share it when you get everything.

I did a search on ancestry regarding my g g grandmother. The woman family member say is half Cherokee is Mary Katherine Feather. During my search I found census records on my g g grandmother but her name is not Mary Katherine. Native American Registry does have a Mary Katherine but there is no link to her and my maternal family. Enjoy your family get together and hoping you get lots of info to fill in those blanks. Enjoy the day!!

Margeaux: I'm glad you are going with Dee. I'm also sorry your sis is determined to bring your mom. Others might feel uncomfortable talking about her husband's past in her presence. This should be a private time for cousins. Your sis is a bit of a bone head. I hope you have a great time. Maybe it will get everyone in the groove and you will have another meeting. Let us know what you find out. Hugs, Cattails.

Margeaux I am so glad you are not giving in to your sister-the next time it will be easier-my sil has a sister like that who has to control everything-her sister even convience my sil to call my elderly Mom to tell her my brother her husband had cancer instead of letting my sister go to her apartment to tell Mom and then my sil called me to tell me what she did because her sister told her to do that-so her sister gets involved in things she has no right to do-sounds like your sister.

Cattails,

Yes, you hit the nail on the head that my cousins could feel uncomfortable discussing some of the info. in front of mom.
My sister is full of strange contradictions. Mother takes a variety of medications for ALZ, plus blood pressure meds. Last year when things were becoming unglued over at mother's house before her narcissistic sister died, my sister repeatedly told me, that she had to be very careful about what she said in front of mom, about her sister. She claims that mother doesn't tune in, (the ALZ), but mom however is always listening to what ever is being said. So if my sister is of this opinion, interesting how she doesn't apply it now.
But you see with my sister, there's always another motive going on. If there is no drama, she will make sure to create some.

I'm really making it a point to go alone w/Dee also; I just was not comfortable with the tone of that email. I feel I'm going to start to take some measures against my sister in the regards. I need to stand up for myself also. She's more than a bonehead. HAAH! This was funny, Cattails, and I needed a very good laugh the last few days!

I am excited about the meeting, and will let you all know what I discover.

I cannot get over your story and how you said, who was it a great uncle that tore up the marriage certificate! I am really happy to hear that you could get a copy of this document. Thank you so much, and Much Love! Margeaux

You made the right decision to go with Dee-it is good you are not letting your sister run your life and she will be the one taking your Mom home when she gets tired or starts acting inappropiatly. You sister needs to learn she is not in control of everyone.

I'm just peachy...my sister and her family are at it again and I am being scapegoated once again for trouble they stirred up....I am caregiver to a "mother" who put me in the role of scapegoat because I was the byproduct of rape, and since I also had characteristics of a paternal aunt she hates as well as a reminder of the man that raped her, I had strikes against me from the day I landed in the middle of the whole dysfunctional mess....you add that to my sister's husband sexually abusing me and there was never any way I was going to fit in or be accepted because it is much easier to shove their issues off on me than to face it and take responsibility for themselves....I am thinking about selling my home and moving to another city at this point because I am fed up....I am tired of the drama they create, I am tired of the personal insults to my character and I am tired of being used....I am good enough to spend my time running errands and being a caregiver to my mother, but not good enough to be treated in the respectful manner I deserve....my niece has made some huge mistakes in her life and has herself in a bad place right now....I knew by her attitude change towards me the past couple days that something was brewing so she decided to inform me yesterday whether I wanted to hear it or not...I was informed by my mother last evening of the whole list of everything I ever did wrong because in her mind by listing my flaws as a person it does not make my niece look so bad...my niece who was on drugs at 12, alcoholic at 14 and abortion at 15...I never drank or smoked and never got into any real trouble, I was always a very quiet individual who keeps to herself....to add insult to injury today I found out my mother told her housekeeper that I never bother with her, I just run in and out....she is trying to justify my sister refusing to speak with her now because she was not allowing my sister to have total control over her estate and affairs...as I said I have had it at this point because when they tried to shove her into a home against her will I went to bat for her so she could be left in her home where she is comfortable...for that I get another kick in the stomach...I am thankful I have this board to vent on because I sure as hell do not have "family" to turn to.

195Austin,

Hi Austin, yes, I'm having to really put my foot down with my sister!
I know she has this kind of controlling behavior, where she over steps boundaries all of the time. She is quite a willful person.

Boy, what was your SIL thinking? How is it that people like your SIL's sister,
who are really what I call people on the periphery can't mind their own business?
On top of that, to tell no less your mother news like this over the phone, is beyond insensitive.

A couple months ago, my brother was having some prostate issues.
He called my sister up in tears from the doc's office, telling her that he probably was going to need surgery. My sister asked whether he'd shared any of this w/his grown children (who he houses-his home), or his emotionally checked out wife. His answer was no. Well, we understood why he didn't tell the wife, since they at the time were living in the same household, but pretty much separate lives. But we couldn't understand why he wasn't telling his kids. They are all between ages 22-29. But my brother has this warped, undying duty to them, but on certain levels they don't seem to reciprocate.

Anyway, my sister thought it was now her duty to jump in and become some kind of marriage/family counselor. I received these very emotionally charged emails and phone calls about how she'd talked to his kids, and wife. I all the while was trying to suggest that we couldn't do much in that arena, these are problems for my brother and his family to first acknowledge and fix. The day I was reminded of how intrusive my sister can be is when my brother went for some results, and the doc said they didn't come in. He was very stressed about this appointment.
When my sister heard about it, she called the doc's office and posed as his wife, to see if they would expedite this faster. When my sister told me this, I thought, "Oh boy." Of course, she'll try to enlist me, if she can on any of these scenarios.
Honestly, I steered clear, and glad I did.

But anyway, as you can see she has done this in the past in many situations,
and I have to remind myself of the crazy behavior she exhibits, and definitely not become a party to it.

But anyway, I'm so thankful to you and others here who have helped me.
I was really very annoyed with this last week. I feel clearer about it now.
So I am trying to focus on the get together, which is in a about another week, or so. Have a wonderful Sunday! Much Love, Margeaux

caregiver1963 ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) - you are in a bad situation - ..."I am tired of the drama they create, I am tired of the personal insults to my character and I am tired of being used". I understand. Are there any steps you can take to protect yourself? I am the "black sheep too, the scape goat to be blamed for whatever goes wrong. I have had to emotionally detach from the remains of my family. I do have physical distance at present, which helps. My heart goes out to you. I know what it is like being kicked in the teeth for doing the right thing. Love and ((((((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Thanks to all for your advice re contact with my cousins - I will keep contact and will share carefully and see what reaction I get.

Some catching up here I see -The geneaology and family stories are great. Good for those of you who have searched and found.

Regarding dysfun fam communication, I think it was kimbee who referred to triangulation,
"When functional people have something to say, they say it to you. When dysfunctional people have something to say, they may tell someone else instead".
from lightshouse org lights blog/psychological-triangulation
It is where one person uses another person to get at a third person with whom they have an issue, rather than going directly to the person with whom they have the issue and dealing with it in a healthy manner. - common with people with personality disorders.
I have lived with it all my life, between my sis and mother. They tried to suck my daughter into it but she refused, thankfully.

Margeaux re your sis saying your mum should go - my mother would do the same - for example, she invited my sis to go with her to an event (though my sis hadn't been invited) saying that she was sure the hosts would be happy to see my sis. She also invited me saying the same thing and I declined. I hadn't been invited and that was OK. I think it is bad manners, to intrude when you haven't been asked.

Still working on builidng "we", Mother has invited me out for a birthday (mine) brunch.(Love the time she gave me tickets to the symphony for my birthday - in her city. which required that I drive 5 hours to go to the symphony, - I was working full time then - but would have meant I could give her a ride there, which I know was the purpose of the "gift". I told her to give the tickets to some one who could use them) I will combine a trip down there with some appointments of mine.. It does take some work, but is paying off, The motorhome broke down on the way to the farm yesterday (fortunately in town) and will need a carb job, but it ended up being a good day anyway..I sat on a grassy slope in the sunshine reading, while G tinkered, we had our picnic supper at home, and the garden got some more attention. Then we had a quiet evening. I call it making lemonade out of lemons. :)
Everyone - take care of you!
Love, (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) and prayers

Oh my the scape goat thing is for real and my husband family likes to use it against me cuz I do not give them updates. One I do not have their email addresses or cell numbers; besides my cell phone is shut off temporarily because I am trying to cut expenses down while trying to get a second job. I appreciate the support so I know I am gonna get ur burning the candle on both ends speech ty but not necessary. I have my husband getting a hospital bed soon due to his seizure activites so not all of his insurance is gonna cover the rent and any free medical beds I can get are being used. I also have both of my kids going to school this year. I will be working part time as a teacher aide because I need to get out of the house and I am positive the school will work with me regarding my husband's variety of appointments so it won't be alot of money but again necessary so I can achieve better goals to pay off my one credit card and save money to pay off my school loans since I had put several things on hold including my novel writing and my free classes thru the local library. I also finally had it out with my sister and it was actually pretty funny and cool. She is still trying to get FB to ban me but nevertheless I cut the ties because I cannot deal with the selfish attitude; no one seems to care how much I have to do or what i do. Well anyway I call her and I said hi this is the sister you physically and emotionaly disowned. How are you doing? then she goes I do not have time for your BS and I said oh and I have make time for yours that is nice to know; anyhow go F urself I said. I was drunk at the time but it felt good to get it out in the open and just blow her soapbox out of the window. I am hanging in there as best as I can given my circumstances..Life is short but if I am going to be marked as the black sheep then I rather just move on with my life and call those that are really concerned with how I am doing vs the other way around. If no one wants to me to be my venting board or understand then dysfunctional it is but no longer my personal pain. I have my own family and I am trying to break the chain of Damaged Goods in my own house but is it rough..yes it is and is it...hell yeah and do I owe anyone my time no except for my husband and children. Anyway. I have not posted here in a good long while so I figure I share some of my dysfunctional drama but its mostly quiet on the home front. I am so glad I move to a state where my phone doesn't ring every 20 mins with my sister demanding I clean up her messes because she can't get off her ass to do it.

On the stress level all is quiet on the California Western Front. Many things to take care of here before going to Idaho in October plus getting some extra hours at work and don't want to be a hit and run poster so not posting much right now. Take care and wishing all my best!!♥

Time to "bear my butt" as we say in recovery...
I am the first granddaughter of my maternal Gmother for whom I care for. She was an abused child with more secrets than I think id care to hear of them all.
She turned to her big sister for guidance and safety and together they worked on keeping the peace along with 2 or 3 siblings who were more independent and found their own ways to cope. Her Dad was an alcoholic, her mom a chief enabler and a very devote woman of faith. My Grandma started working for the air force at 16. She was also very very dependent on her faith and beliefs. She met a man almost 15 yrs older than her who was a sergeant in the force. He saw her need for attention and a father figure and then used it to win her over and she was pregnant at 19 so she married him to get out of her home situation and because she had to due to her sin and needed to cover it up. He ended up revealing that he was married prior and had 3 children from that marriage. The oldest was almost my Gma's age. He was a drunk and an abuser. (gee really? funny how that works..) they had my mother first, and 5 boys after. He abused the children physically and verbally and her only verbally. She stayed with him till her youngest was almost 18. She became her mother...trying to shield and protect the kids thinking that is what she was supposed to do as a good christian woman and mother. When they rebelled and got in trouble she'd get them out of it, she always cosigned every bit of the chaos they brought and gave every bit of her life to them keeping the youngest 4 living with her through to date one still here. two youngest died of the alcohol and drugs, that was the start of her decline in health. She had always been there for me the same way because of course my mother abused drugs, I had only a step father who was a drug addict abuser, so she tried to shield me as well. in fact in my worst crazy behavior when I was pregnant with my second child, I was addicted to heroine and when i tried to get clean i felt like the baby was having convulsions so she helped me wean down to a minimal amount instead so we didn't have to fear losing the baby...she paid for and took me to get the drugs. One of only millions of acts driven by guilt and shame that she didn't want to face. I really never expected to be alive past her and did everything I thought would make sure I was not because I hated living, watching such a loving woman suffer and couldn't understand how the hell this could all be reality and why was I too weak to stop any of it. I had promised her that I would be there to take care of her when she no longer could because I knew that when we got to this point there would be no one else to step up. Boy was I right...I was 4 or 5 years old when I made that vow.
Now, I'm 46 yrs old battling still with my mental conditions which are very debilitating and I have no way to get medical care at the moment obviously I care for her 100% 24/7. My mother still bringing her drama and crap to the table when ever she can, all the remaining boys either left and don't care or call at all...and her oldest son living here still draining her dry by bleeding her joint bank account for 24 months worth of ssi benefits and leaving her broke. And still she defends him claiming responsibility for his loss of his leg due to diabetes...when clearly she had nothing to do with that. She is so depressed she has been in nursing homes all alone no visits, no calls from her kids for 24 months prior to my returning home to take charge and get her out...not realizing that I had no business doing this because how can I care for her when I'm still so screwed up? John Bradshaw has been my only saving grace in that his teachings have given me freedom of the guilt and shame and helped me begin to repair the almost hopeless inner child that I carry...I highly recommend that ANYONE who felt a need to open this thread if you have not already done so PLEASE do yourself a favor and google John Bradshaw....He is amazing and the forefather of dysfunction research and education...Co-dependence is his specialty. Thanks for letting me share this...It actually lifted some of this heavy heavy weight I'm carrying.

Caregiver1963,

To grow up in a family and become a scapegoat has got to be one of the most unfair paths for anyone. You personal story, in particular I'm sure has not been easy for you.

Well, in terms of narcissism, you have come to the right place.
Many of us here are the scapegoats in the family. I certainly am one of them also.
Probably you being the quieter one who by your description does not enjoy the drama others in your family want to create, or not handle such dire situations, as you have had to endure, on account of what you shared. Shame on those family members first of all that have not evolved and have made you feel this way.

Last year my sister, (who has control issues), in our family has been the one selected to care for our mom, and recently deceased aunt. My aunt last year before she passed gave all of us so much grief. It could sound just like what you wrote about your family, the divide and conquer. But yes, I guess some of us handle it differently, given our personalities. When things became very rough over at mom's house, where my sister lives, I realize that in many cases it's the family caregiver's ideal to keep mom, their aunt out of nursing homes for their comfort. But honestly, after witnessing and sometimes being at the other end of my aunt's unpredictable bad behavior, I towards the end made the suggestion to my sister about inquiring about some other living arrangement for her. She too as you've written about your mom, was quite disrespectful/abusive. We even found out after she died, that on one occasion while the paid caregiver was trying to fix her hair, my aunt yanked the brush out of her hand and hit the caregiver on the head with it. But this caregiver never told my sister about it.

Anyway, as Emjo, has advised you to try to take some steps to protect yourself.
You're more than the noble person in your family for doing what you're doing. However, this by no means should translate into you being disrespected on top of everything You have a family here, your in my thoughts! Love & Light, Margeaux