The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Roseisabelle~It is frustrating when your siblings won't help. It is typical of the men in families to not help with ailing parents. Very similar to husbands that won't help with raising children other than financial support. I can't help but thing it is largely to the fact that men just don't know how to nurture in that area of relationships. I'm not excusing their behavior by any means but sometimes you just have to let go and detach from the sibling. I hope your brother gets the paperwork filed to remove the lien against your parents house. Take deep breaths!

u565425 ~I haven't responded to your most recent post because I support what Margeaux, emjo, and bookworm said to you. You still have not clarified anything on this thread so "everyone" could help you.

My mom and I are trying to care for her mother, who has alzheimer's dementia. Mom's three sisters are no where to be found, until it suits their needs. We were really having a lot of behavioral issue with grandma, every time one of my aunts came into the picture, grandma really acted out after they left. Then we found a great course online at http://dementiacaregiver.org. Dr. Pam gives the best advice and sshe is so down to earth. My mom and I have watched this course now 3 times, and each time we gain something new. We really like the discussion about learning to give family members that cause problems 'the boot'! And now, we have Dr. Pam to use as our excuse for telling the aunts to GO HOME! Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!

karlthesavage, thanks on the info about the online course. I noted it quickly on my desktop notepad b4 AC discovers it and deletes it! And welcome to AC (agingcare)!! We all appreciate info from others who found it helpful for them...A lot of people here are having those problems. Mine is the opposite...how to Reel them IN to help physically. Thanks!!

try to get caught up here -the infection took more out of me tha I thought
bw- thank you for that suggestion When I told Gordie's dad he brightened up. Both he and gary can carve so we would keep part of the tree if it dies. It looks fine now - time will tell
hi rose - glad you joined us - you have a lot on your plate with both parents and all the issues. Therapy helps -you are not alone. Antidepressants can help too. Glad you reralize about taking care of you - it is so important when faced with all the emotions and responsibilites you are
sharyn -funny about Marcia, Marcia, Marcia and the Brady Bunch - finallly I am feeling better - I thik thew tree will survive. Time will tell.I don't know how to grow a pine tree from seeds but might be worth trying when we moveSorry your mum is overwhelmed - I am waiting for that to happen to mother too - so far she manages everything but may not one day.Hope you had a good day
thanks Kim -I will ask G about grafting.had't thought of that - I know his grandfather and possibly father grafted some apple trees
lildeb - hope you are havig a decent weekend - respite is certainly needed for at home caregivers
hi austin- helpful as always
burned sorry your sil was negative - no one needs that
going to post this now so i don't lose it and finish later(((((hugs to all))))))

Hi Margeaux - Your dad was quite a gardener! aaaargh, the lemon trees got chopped down!!! Are you going to plant some lemon seeds -maybe grow a small on for the house? Gordie's tree is still alive. I will gather some of the pine cones and keep them. I think growing from seed isn't easy, but might be worth trying.
I like the term "reeling you in" That is how I feel. They set you up and then the digs start. I have to stay detached, and also distant in every way. Sounds to me like your sister is narcissistic it is all about her. Infection is clearing -the trick is to catch it sooner. Learning about narcissism and BPD has helped me a lot.
rose - how are you doing -I understand your anger at siblings for not helping. I have gone past that, and now am glad my sister is not involved as it only means trouble and a chance for her to "get at" me.
sharyn - hope your are having a stress freer weekend - re sis - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
Hi karithesavage - interesting name - I agree entirely - tell anyone who interfers to go home - you need help not interference. I tried Pam Hiti's site but it didn't work, but got the video on another site. It helps so much to have professionals support our gut instincts. come back and vent any time you like
bw - hope you reel them in and get help. I don't knnow how you do what you do. Look after yourself!
Kimbee -where are you????
austin - take care
cmag -thanks again for starting this thread - lots of us come from seriously dysfunctional families. Hope you are doing well.
everyone - let us know how you are and enjoy the remaining days of summer - here fall is coming all too soon ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Joan~Collect pine seeds from fallen cones gently shaking to remove the seeds. It will take many to get viable seeds. To determine if the seeds are viable place them in water. The seeds that float or stay suspended in the water are not viable. Store in an air tight container. Generally they are planted after the first of the year indoors. Start the seeds indoors, placing them in individual pots with well-drained potting soil. Push each seed just beneath the soil surface, making sure that it’s in a vertical position with the pointy end facing downward. Place the pots in a sunny window and water thoroughly. Keep the seeds moist and wait, as germination can take months, but should occur by March or April.

Once the seedlings have reached between six inches to a foot tall, they can be transplanted outdoors.
Hope this helps. Enjoy the weekend!!

Thank sharyn - I will gather up pine cones and see if I can get some viable seeds.

Warm today -nearly 90., and lots of sun :)

She was only negative because her brother my husband; the only family they have left to each other didn't like him giving me BS while I was on the phone. I was informed that alz and dementia does run in the family contrary to popular belief by my hubby. Then he did a stupid thing last night and messed with a live wire when I have a friend here who can do it. I am also trying to get a second job and keeping my friends with me if possible by the landlord since hubby won't go to the local daycare center here in town. I need someone to stop him from doing stupid stuff while I am working a second job but that is going to be a hit and a miss at the same time unless my Az id turns up outta the blue. I do not talk to my sister, because I have to make time for her stuff and yet we both lost the same grandparent last yr and she assumes I am holding a grudge against her so I cannot talk to her. I also have to find a way to get money to activate a prepay phone or go back to using my contract phone. Once I get this job that lets me outta the house ever so often during the day I think most of my stress will calm down and I do not have to listen to my husband throw guilt trips on me lol. Just tired of being stressed ....need room to breathe:)

Sharynmarie,

I'm sorry about you having a bad day. Yes, it is difficult to see a loved one becoming more confused on account of the ALZ.

I remember before mom was actually diagnosed, or at least that we her children knew about the diagnosis on one visit, I witnessed very confused behavior by mom.
Since she and my aunt, at that time were living together, (before my sister moved in), I'd noticed that their phone message system seemed to have been disconnected. So I tried to reconnect it, as I felt it was important this be working.
I tried to instruct my mom, (poor thing) about how to listen to the messages, and noticed her becoming very frustrated. Meanwhile, she was doing everything in her power to act as if she knew what she was doing. I didn't know at that time, the narcissist-sister of hers & my mom had some kind of a secret conspiracy going on between the two of them. Mom had already been diagnosed by the doc for ALZ, & was on meds. I however didn't discover THIS fact, until about 7 mos. later! So it was a secret between she and her sister.
So for some time while I was adapting to the fact about the ALZ, I felt so bad, even guilty about that day I took my mother through all of this.

Anyway, I remember that you were having a hard time having her consent to seeing, was it the neurologist? Has that happened yet? It might help you, in the sense that some of her affairs, especially finances would have to be taken care of by someone who can handle them.

I definitely know from mother's situation, the denial here definitely was at work.
I just didn't like the way it happened, that the narcissist aunt kept something like that a secret. Mom was on meds, and was at the time was still driving around a bit. You see, her sister could not drive anymore, so how do you like that.
My aunt was willing to endanger both of them by keeping their secret, and they thought it was going to ensure their independence. All I can say is, they had some biig guardian angels looking out after them.

Well I hope you can resolve some of this, so that at least you can be able to relate to your situation in a different and productive way for yourself. You are in my thoughts, Sharynmarie. Love and plenty of Light! Margeaux

Good Morning Emjo,

Yes my dad was quite a gardener.
I hope to plant the seeds someday, but right now the space I live in is too small.

I think my sister is a narcissist also! I haven't been at all in touch with her since over a week ago. But you see w/her, last year when she really needed a soundboard, (me) to listen to all of the crazy things our aunt was doing before she passed, she was very in touch w/me. I foolishly at times thought that maybe this was going to be the event that brought us somewhat together. But the aunt has now been deceased 7 mos. In that 7 mos., the need for contact like last year went from a 10 to about a 3. So you see, it is not what i would call a relationship of authenticity, only of service.

This must feel strange to you, that your sister is trying to initiate a relationship w/you, also.

So this Thursday is the family history get together. I still have yet to inform my sister that Dee and I w/be going on our own. I'm looking forward to that meeting.
I'm going to exercise the emotional muscle this week, big time!

Well Emjo, I trust you're going to do the same.
Much Love, Margeaux

Happy Monday to everyone!!

Yes exercise that emotional muscle the more you do it the easier it becomes!! Thank you Margeaux~it is difficult to watch someone decline mentally and you can't help them due to the Law or their refusal to let you help.

Joan~I worked in seed production/saving with tomatoes for many years, anything with plants I love, also have A.A. in plant science ( doesn't make me an expert but I have a little knowledge about it).

karlthesavage~Thank you for sharing the info on the on line course. The more we understand, the better we can help!!

Enjoy the week, tomorrow will cool into the 80's YAY!!! Delta breezes are a wonderful thing here in the summer.

Rose, I know we r suppose to honor r parents however, Rose, I would had gave my dad a piece of my tongue about that business n free-time crap! Good for u for asking him why he isn't looking for a job. ; ) I am glad to hear at least your brother is going to help out with the air-condition.

Burned, haven't anything about home-care cut-out but they have done stupid stuff before like cutting education cost. As for siblings, they can be a pain in the ass n have no clue what really goes on behind close doors. dumb asses! Tell her get her butt here an see if she can do better. Sibs, ah!

For information regarding self harm/suicide check out National Suicide Hotline 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433. Invaluable information and help is available to all who are struggling with these issues.

I am trying to get information on how to get my mother evaluated by a neurologist. I know we have discussed some of this before. If I call APS with they take over control of her finances and house that is in a living trust or will they only evaluate her mental condition?

well the god's were smiling down on me today...as I was going to take my mother to her doctor's appointment, my back tire blew out....when I phoned to tell her I couldnt make it, her only response it, okay so when are you ready and when will you get here, we can take a taxi...well much to my surprise I firmly told her I cannot afford to miss work, and since she is in well health these days she was going to have to phone and reschedule...her only concern was ticking the doctor off and she showed no concern as to whether I was okay or not....I got the same old guilt trips but I must admit I seem to have gained the ability to deflect that now...in the meantime my sister and her daughter were targeting me again and trying to start a fight...when they couldn't get my attention, my niece called our mother and started wailing over the phone I hate her, with my mother taking their side insisting I should call her because the poor dear was in a terrible state...the "state" was a put on act so now every conversation about my family must center around their family, so I am going on vacation until our mother snaps out of it....I must admit the support here is helping me immensely...thank you everyone because some not feeling like I am totally alone in all this helps me find the backbone I need to deal with it

sharynmarie, I would start with the family doctor, and go from there....here in Canada we have Community Access, a local non-profit agency that can help you get lined up with necessary services...you might be able to get a temporary care nurse to step in and help you get the referral you need without going through all of the house stuff....I would also be taking steps at this point to put in place medical power of attorney for you over your mother's medical affairs so you can make the decisions she may no longer be able to make

Margeoux yourstory about your fathers lemon tree is so sad. How awful for you.  Thanks fortune links to the and lighthouse sites.  The discussion of secrets that put others at risk is ateme in my dysfunctional family too.
Sharynmarie, I do think that gender norms are a big part of the issue in the way that the men in my family are handling this situation.  For instance when's was at my parents house my father wastrying to help her by becoming the expert on the oxygen tanks.  I let him enter the caretaking through that; at least its a start. And he was outside the house working on their backyard.  He was trying to find objective or technical things and leaving the caretaking to me out of a sense that it is women's work.  Now he is going to have to change because my mother just can't do all the cooking and cleaning anymore.
Karlthesavage, yep, if someone can't be a help then facing what you are facing, the boot and boundaries have to be the survival option.
Joan, I think you do well to actively practice detachment to be able to survive the digs and the way that you are being treated.  The discussion of "viable seeds" is symbolic.  Where can growth and change be nurtured and where is the dysfunction so rooted as to stifle and transformation.
Burned,I hope that your job comes through to get you time out of the house.  This week my teaching job started up again; today I felt so happy not to think of the situation with my mother for several hours.
Lildeb, I know, when he started this mini lecture I felt super annoyed.  I did not want to be rude or disrespectful but he was just being ridiculous.  At that moment of holding my tongue for fear of lashing out, the dysfunction was so clear but making the circumscribed observation was the best I could do to stay true to myself in the crazy situation. Caregiver1963,, I hear what you are saying about finding the strength to deal with the family dysfunction, to speak up or defend yourself is challenging  in the moment.

Peach, you do have hope of stopping the self-hurt permanently. Just as Ladee mentioned with her drinking/alcoholic, you can do the same, too. Sorry, it's evening now and I'm a bit exhausted. But, I did do a quick look online for your self-harm situation.

First of all, I found this very easily readable/understandable site about self-harm. I actually liked it! I hope you take the time to just look on it:

Second, Sharynmarie mentioned one of the best online sites for self-harm:


Peach, when you're ready to move on from self-harming,

I'm sorry...I'm really tired and it's only 9pm. I'm going to stop now cuz I need to do tend to parents which will take 2 hours. I can feel myself swaying while typing. Later....

Oh, man, did I just post this on the wrong site!?! I really wish we can copy and paste on this site. Anyway, FYI, to all, since both my boss will be off-island for the next 2 weeks, I'm going to be way EXHAUSTED to do as much posting as I usually do. Don't be surprise if I post and you all say, "Huh?" Most likely, I will do what I just did now - post on the wrong thread.

I'm going to try if I can copy and paste this. Too tired to go to the correct thread & retype. later....

do you remember that song from "White Christmas" Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters - in our cases devoted to trouble making!
burned mine thinks I am holding a grudge against her too - i am not but, I just do not want contact with her as trouble always follows
margeaux, I think your sis is a narcissist too - not healthy for sure, and very controlling. My sis wants a relationship because it serves her purpose. She used to vacation at mother's for years. Then as mother got older, and couldn't do as much, she wanted to come to me for her holidays. Even though I was working full tine she expected me to make all her meals, hogged the TV remote all the time, wore a flimsy negligee when I had grown sons on the house (I gave her one of mine and told her to wear it), and so on. There is a history of some pretty dysfunctional behaviour n her part, yet she always manages to convinvce mother that I was the "bad seed". You all know the type of thing. I like your phrase "a relationship of service". Exactly. It doesn't feel strange, actually. I know she wants to keep me in her loop for her own reasons. But I am not playing those games any more. When mother goe, I expect she will try harder. Do keep your boundaries in place and go only with Dee. Really it is not your sister's business, though she will try to make it that.

Hi sharyn - love your pictur, pretty woman! You have such a nice smile! Plant Science must have been interesting, and something you can use on life. Here is warms into the 80s lol. I hope you get the infromation you need about getting your mother evaluated. If she ever goes into hospital, there may ber an opportunity for it. Mother went in and her senior nanny told the hospital staff about mother's behaviour and that she couldn't take it any more and was quitting but (bless her)wukld wait till we had a placement of sone kind for mother. I think that spurred them into action, and I also think that when a non family member describes the behaviours, the situation may be taken more seriously than from a family member does, as it may be brushed off as family squabbles. Praying for you to find a way through this for a proper eval for your mum.
caregiver1963 - Good for you! You set a boundary. I know well the scenario where upsetting anyone else is more important than how it impacts me. Glad you can let go of the guilt somewhat. It is awful when we feel guilty about looking after ourselves. Glad you are taking a break from the sis family drama/ I think it is the best way to deal with it. If they don't get a rise out of you they will find someone else to pester.The support here has helped me a lot too.
The more I read other people's stories, they more I see the truth in my own.
rose - glad your dad is helping with the oxygen tanks - like you say, it is a start, but you are right, he will have to take on more.Gary's dad at 89 does all the housework, and they cook together. Nothing wrong with his mum's mind but she has a shattered shoulder so her right arm is not much use. Dad is not strong but he keeps going. They have put their house up for sale and will move into a ALF when it is sold. Wonderful to see a couple who manage themselves so well. Of course they both are still sharp which makes all the difference.Thanks for saying I manage well - it is still a work in prgress. I hear you about the seeds - we must nurture healthy life for ourselves and others, and limit the dysfunction as much as possible. I have had many more years at this than most of you, and can really identify with the frustrations people experience. You teach!!! I taught for year. Loved it! It was a great distraction for me too.
lildeb - you are right - speaking up appropriately is so important. Learning to be assertive with dy fun fam takes a while. but is soooo worth it!
bw -hope you find a few moments for yourself these next few weeks. I don't know how you do it. You can copy and paste - just drag your cursor to select the lines you want to copy, then right click in the blue lines to get the drop down menu, and left click on "copy", then move to the page you want to paste, and right click in the comment box for the menu again and left click on paste from the drop down menu. Voila - you have copied and pasted! Clear as mud, I know.
karithesavage and others, - how are you doing/
Hope everyone has a good day, maintains good boundaries amd practices assertion! ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

austin, sharyn and i were commenting on another thread about whether or not our narcissistic, or other personality disorder,family members realise what they are doing with regard to their dysfunctional ways.

austin said "I am sure that a narcissistic person does not know what havoc they create"

we talked about denial as they can see it if others treat them that way, but can turn around and do the same thing to others, and apparently don't recognize it in themselves.

The following are quotes from the website of a psychologist, Robert M. Fraum, Ph.D., who specializes in treating personality disorders.

"People suffering from personality disorders tend to misread other people, situations and even themselves. They may be especially reactive, volatile or impulsive. They often respond in disproportionate or socially inappropriate ways."

"All personality disorders are rooted in a sense of chronic insecurity, and emotional pain that confuses, drains, and demoralizes..."

"Denial is also a key psychological feature (and basic problem) in personality disorders."

He also believes that it is rooted in childhood trauma, On the other hand, the Mayo clinic claims "Personality disorders are thought to be caused by a combination of (these) genetic and environmental influences. I have to agree with the latter, as I see it in my mother's side of the family - several cousins show the symptoms, and the rest of the family are so nice and normal. None of my father's family showed it.

I certainly have seen the denial, the misreading of others, the insecurity and so on. In mother's case, being borderline persosnality disorder, she has much anger as well.

I have said it before, I am so thankful that I don't have that condition. How much they could change their behaviour, or not is a good question. Apparently treatment for personality disorders is often not very successful, and the diagnosis is often missed. I am amazed considering the number of times my mother was in hospital in her life that she was only diagnosed a few years ago. It is not that her dysfunctional behaviours didn"t show. It is an area that needs improvement, which is not much help to those of us who deal with it daily. (((((((hugs))))))

Rose, u don't have to explain n I probable would had done the same but after awhile I can only hold it in for so long then I explode. It just seems sometimes that what u have to do for them to open their eyes to reality.
whether they accept it or not is up to them but at least they might stop trying to be the 'know it all' person. ; )

Emjo, I found out the hard way that I cannot copy and paste very good advice that you all give. I copy it but it won't past on my Word File on my desktop. So, now I copy the ...www.agingcare.com..on the top and paste it on with notes on why I like it. But, I was able to copy/paste the above to How are YOU thread.

I most likely will only be able to read AC during the weekdays. When I work alone while the bosses are gone, I usually come home brain exhausted. I'm so busy thinking, thinking, thinking on the job that I come home soooo tired - not physically but mentally.

Then, the physical exhaustion will kick in the minute I walk in the house.

Don't worry! I've been doing this for years. Except now instead of 1 person, it's 2. Even when dad was still walking, he would wait for me to come home after work to fix dinner. Sigh...nothing ever changes..."Woman's job" ! My foot!! Later!

Thanks, everybody!!

BW you will be in my thoughts these two weeks sending good vibs your way.

Yes Rose, I agree that men need to change. When my MIL was still living with her heart issues, after my FIL retired he helped her to the end. I must admit I was very surprised that he helped her to the extreme level he did. I even told him that my daughter said, "Grandpa really loves Grandma, I hope I find a man who loves me as much as he loves Grandma." He cried when I told him that. BW~best to you as you deal with this challenge at work, I know you can do it. Thank you for you help and support with social anxiety. I posted on the Caregivers thread about what I found out from my mother's doc and the next steps my sis and I will be taking. Will update next week after we see attorney♥♥♥!!

That was nice what you said to your fil. I think he was so overwhelmed with caring for his wife, he thought no one appreciated, or noticed what he did for her. When you told him that, it touched his heart and it validated him on caring for his wife. My dad was like that, too. He would repeat over and over how the social workers would compliment him on caring for mom all these years. They told him that a lot of their clients - their husbands divorced them or they would bring their mistress into the house while their bedridden wife is still in it! I'm so glad you and your daughter validated your fil.

Today has been too stressful beyond words regarding the situation with my mother. I have come to the conclusion that I can not be designated on the DPOA. I have thought about this and my decision is based on the fact that if my mother respected and trusted me and my sis at the time she had the DPOA written up, she would not have made it so that we could not help her until she was certified incompetent. She can no longer take care of her finances and refuses to let us help her. She has closed out a checking account, opened a new account, blamed the bank for closing out the old account, closed out the new account and reopened the old account. She has told the bank personnel that my sister and I are trying to steal her money, she has told the woman who is balancing her checking account that we are trying to steal her money. I called an elder law attorney that we saw earlier this year and she advised me that we need to get creative to get her in to see the doc for a competency screening. If that won't work to call APS but don't tell APS that she does not trust us. My mother received notice from DMV about her ability to drive and she had to take the form to the doc. I called the doc office and asked if they would do a memory test on her while she was there. Maybe I am stressing out to much right now, but I honestly don't think the doc wants to be that creative and would rather cover his own ass so I don't know if they did a memory test on her or not. He did fill out the form for DMV saying he does not feel mother should be driving but he did not check the box yes on the question asking if the doc believed this patient should not be driving. In other words, he is leaving it up to DMV to test her, etc. to make the final decision. I do not believe that my mother is legally incompetent at this point but she is obviously incompetent when it comes to her finances. When my mother got back from the doc office I talk with her via the phone. She had no idea that this from from DMV was about her not being able to drive. She read the form to me, she wanted to know if she was suppose to take it to DMV. At the the top of the form it says the physician is to return the form to DMV. I told her that from what she just read to me that I was not sure she was allow to drive anymore. She was shocked. She had no idea the purpose of this form was to review her ability to drive. I can't deal with the stress of jumping through all the legal hoops in being able to help her, the red tape, and the road blocks. So I am done. I am going to write a letter to her attorney requesting that my name be removed from the DPOA because she can no longer handle her financial affairs but refuses help from her family. If I call APS and she tells them my sister and I are trying to steal her money, they will assign a state appointed guardian. Either way, the way I see it, we are fighting a losing battle and I have a life to live without my mother's full blown raging, personality disorder/Alzheimer's stressing me out just so she can play queen. At this point, I do not care if she gives all her assets and money to the neighbor, the lady who balances her check book or the the damn street light in front of her house. She is a blooming nut case and she can deal with her craziness by herself.

Sharyn: Sleep on it. You have had a really bad day and my heart goes out to you. It's not unreasonable for you to not want to be DPOA. Same for your sister. Both of you have had your full share of mom and her issues. If you are going to write a letter to the attorney, ask about a court appointed Guardian. Maybe that could be a way for both of you to leave the craziness of your mom behind.

Here accusations of stealing her money, etc. would get old really fast. I would have a very hard time dealing with a parent who is always insisting that I am stealing from them. Why continue to do this? Why continue to subject yourself to trying to help someone who just spits in your face? The fact that she says these things to you only reinforces in my mind that she is not mentally well.

I think it is very wise of you to consider eliminating yourself from being responsible for her care and financial management. I would strongly suggest, however, that you also take steps with her doctor and the attorney to set up a Guardian to look after her affairs.

Again, sleep on it and know that all of us are on your side and praying for you. You are a good person Sharyn.

Love and Hugs, Cattails

Sharyn, it will be very difficult if you continue to be her DPOA. When mom was still talking, she accused mostly my 2 sils of stealing from her. She had the full rage, anger and violence toward them - EVERY time she saw them. They stole her pans, her pot, her plate, etc....At first the sils were able to shrug it off. But with the constant accusations, they finally got fed up, and started yelling back in anger to mom.

My dad, since I can remember, has always told people (not to me) that I was not doing enough helping him with mom. Out of 8 kids, I was the one who STAYED home, did not marry or have kids...I was the only one who was physically helping him...Yet, Everyone believed him! I got lectured on how "you should do more to help your father."

All I'm saying is, with regards to your mom's accusations, there will always be people who will believe her. And one day, like my sils, you might reach your boiling point where you can no longer shrug it off.

By the way, before, my brother's name was with my dad/mom's bank account. Then my dad started accusing him of stealing money from his bank. So, I had to withdraw my brother's name (who was soooo relieved that it was finally done!) and had to put my name in. So far, my dad hasn't accused me of stealing his money...only now it's the bank stealing his money and that's why his paycheck is gone....

But, you also can't just leave your mom "as is." If something happens to her, because your such a decent person, you will feel guilty and start blaming yourself that if only you hung on longer, or if only I got her a guardianship, etc..So like Cat recommended - sleep on it. And if you really don't want DPOA, then find someone to replace you - guardianship.