The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

That s very sad that they are getting him things that they want to be their's after he passed but while working as a nurse I saw too much how families act while their elder is getting ready to pass on and some of the things that went on when they thought no one was listening.

Joan~Thank you!! You are right, I will continue to distance myself/detach more and limit it to a phone call each day. If she needs something more she will call me. If I have to take her an appt. I will, but will not go in the exam room with her. If she needs groceries, I will take her but let her do her own shopping while I do mine in another part of the store and meet up with her when we are done. That will allow her to make her own decisions without me being present. It takes the pressure off her because I have noticed that when I have gone in the exam room with her at the dr.'s she tends to be a wallflower not telling the doc everything that is bothering her and not making a decision without my input. Plus she seems to remember less of what the doc said to her when we are with her. This is not because my sis and I dominate her, it's because when others are present she lacks confidence and relies on others to help her. She has always been like that even before the Alzheimer's. Joan, you just helped a light bulb go on in my head!!! I can see it more clearly now. "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day." A song by Johnny Nash
Sorry, this song came in my head, I know it isn't going to be a rainbow of days with my mother, but this has helped to see it with a different perspective by understanding her personality better. Thank you so much for making me think about how her personality works, I can't wait to share this with my sis, it will help her too. I will read the link you provided, I know I can get in that "fix it" mode, wanting to help everyone and fix what is going on. I tend to do that with my son and his financial problems but I am getting better with him on that issue.(((((((Hugs)))))))!!!

I didn't answer the question about APS. The attorney told me if we call APS not to tell them she does not trust us or thinks we are stealing from her. I read between the lines on that one. Taking it that if my mother tells them we are stealing or trying to steal from her, they will investigate but find nothing amiss. But because this is how she feels and is not legally incompetent, the social worker may counsel her to change the DPOA and appoint someone she feels more comfortable with. Or they may suggest a court appointed guardian. This is just my reading between the lines so I could be wrong.

Good Morning Everyone,

I had not caught up reading here.
Well, last week was lots of revelations! This is the best way I can sum it up.
So my cousin Dee and I went on our own to the family gathering to discuss the gathering of info., to make a family tree.

The first thing that happened was that we had directions to my cousin Lily's place, (where the gathering was held),
We had an incorrect street name that supposedly connected to Lily's address.
So Dee, was driving, and I was navigator. After we discovered we were lost, we began to flag people we'd see in the neighborhood. Good thing we left early! After asking about 5 people, we then discovered that Dee had left her cell phone at home. Oh no! My cell phone went down about a month and a half ago. I haven't bought a new one, but this was a lesson. Anyway......I was now suggesting to Dee we go back to the main street, to look for a phone booth. Remember those. She said, let's go down this street and ask one last time. We saw a man, asked him.
He directed us to his neighbor-Jenny, said she'd lived in that neighborhood for 40 yrs. I reluctantly went up to this house, while Dee sat in the car on the street.
I had to ring Jenny's door bell. A woman answered the door. I introduced myself and told her my problem. I heard someone say something to Jenny from inside the house. Somehow, hearing that woman's voice sounded familiar to me.
Suddenly that other woman in the house came to the door. I could not believe it!!
It was my half brother's ex-wife. This half brother is my dad's son from his previous marriage. The last time I saw her was at dad's funeral 10 yrs. ago!
She and my half brother had 3 sons together. Anyway, now we were flagging Dee to come inside the house, meanwhile Jenny (the lady who lives there), was busy pulling out a map of neighborhood. I did find out through my half brother's ex-wife, that my dad's first wife died last year. But of all the coincidences that could happen to anyone. Needless to say we got to Lily's house w/the help of Jenny's directions.

At the gathering, our cousin Lily thinks of herself as the matriarch, is really one "Queen Bee." Truth be told, I'm sure she is a narcissist. A niece of Lily's was there, and we were told that she would be filming this gathering. This niece was rather overbearing. I understand on the one hand why people would want to film something like this, however this was our first meeting and I knew we were going to have some challenges w/Lily, to begin with.

Well now everyone was there, including my sister and mother. They were all very happy to see mom, so I was glad about that. I still however feel it was a bit much the fact my sister decided to take her.

Anyway, Lily has major diabetes. She's the kind of personality who one can't have a factual conversation with. It's always deflecting back to her accomplishments, or something about herself. The cousins were having wine coolers, so some started to have their own chatter. Well w/this combination, I was having a difficult time writing down names and relationship. This is what I know I need if I'm going to do more research for a family tree. Then the side bar, was Lily's niece thought she was some kind of documentarian. She kept interrupting Lily to ask her own questions. This niece knows very little about the family. Her niece seemed to rub several of us the wrong way, as in over-bearing. Also, Lily started going off on a tangent about her father. No disrespect, but our family has to do w/Lily's mom.

The more interesting part of that gathering is the fact that Lily's sister provided a document-proof of birth's for the eldest children in dad's clan. This even had more names some of us were not aware of sharing our family name. Even if I didn't get some detailed info., of which I"m going to follow up on w/the cousin organizer,
I was able to come away w/DOB's, and other details for searches.

My sister did her suspect behavior w/both Dee and me. Bottom line, my sister is an extremely jealous woman, always has been. As I'd written before, she currently has some underlying jealousies and bogus ill feelings. honestly because Dee couldn't be of service to my sister (talk about that later). On account of this, she thought she was going to reel me into that stupidity. So both Dee and me got those familiar looks from my sister, as if she's sizing us up; that kind of thing.
But I was happy to see that all the cousins were glad mom came. Mom even had a wine cooler. In one instance, my sister asked my mom if dad ever told her what town he was born in. He had not. Then she asked mom, " why didn't you ask him?" Mom replied, "because I didn't care." She said it such a matter of fact manner. Of course everyone laughed, including myself. But I think this answer is somewhat revealing also. O.K., I'll be writing about my searches. This is going to get too long if I don't do that. Margeaux

I've been MIA from this thread and site for some time and low on energy which is being spent helping my wife whose injured knee has put her on crutches and her knee in a brace for the last 2 1/2 weeks plus I am doing some writing. My wife has had a long list of physical health problems starting in January.

After the drama of starting on getting my mum's and step-dad's past due taxes dealt with from 2004-2008 when I discovered this problem in 2009; her broken hip and going to the nursing home in 2009; some intense family of origin therapy issues in 2010; getting all of these taxes over with in 2010; I find things have come to the grind of her declining dementia; constantly wanting to go home and thinking that she can; the miss-perception that she's only been there a few months when it has been 3 1/2 years and staring to wonder with the US market being so unstable how long her securities will last her after finally getting the investments where the interest would pay for what her long term insurance does not. I must be going through another caregiving stage of some sort which I don't know what to name.

I wish everyone well in their own various challenges.

Good to hear from you Cmagnum-I had been wondering about how you were and was going to put a note on your wall-with all the threads I am now following it is hard to keep up with everyone. My son and granddaughter just moved back to their home so it is just me and the cat now but have been keeping busy with activities and had started seeing a very nice man that I enjoy spending time with when we can so my life is full right now-keep me from getting depressed.

Hi Sharymarie,

I have been trying to catch up reading, a lot went on last week for many people, I see. I read several of your posts. So you're mother is giving you and your sister a hard time! I completely understand you questioning the issue of remaining on, POA. Well, given that you've have been feeling quite stressed out about this, I know Emjo, Cattails and others have suggested for you to sleep on this decision, until you don't feel as stressed to finally decide. But honestly, it must this must be really difficult for you, on the one hand you are quite in the center of many of your mom's increasing need for help, of course I'm speaking minus her objections.

In my family I know I've mentioned that I was not selected as DPOA. I wasn't aware of the fact, especially where it concerns Medical Poweer of Attorney, apparently this only allows whoever is named as such to access personal information about an individual. I've been in the dark in this aspect of mom's ALZ, and medical info. Then to top things off, my sister who is the named person, doesn't communicate important things, as issues arise. I'm speaking of e.g., medications, or recent heartburn mom was having. I was trying to help in this scenario, and getting the road blocks from my controlling sister.

Well, do try to take an emotional breather from some of this. You have been and w/continue to be in my thoughts. Bear Hugs! Much Love, Margeaux

Hi Sharynmarie,

What is up w/this doctor that didn't sign the DMV form?
How interesting, when it behooves them, they want to enlist people, right?
Yet, this kind of behavior by medical people really annoys the heck out of me!
They sure know how to overmedicate people. They know when to hold back on signatures, which in the long run would benefit your mom and many other people, especially since it has to do w/driving.

Anyway, as I said, catching up. I'd meant to mention some of this in the other post. But have you considered, one of these, I think they're called "Medic Alerts?"
This may at least circumvent some of the stress you are feeling w/your mom at the moment. Your mom's neighbor who is balancing her check book, sounds like a wonderful person. Someone is looking out for you, in a big way!
Much Love, Margeaux

Gosh, it seems like a lot of us have sister/mother issues - I am having the same problems with my Mother........not only did she keep me away from my Dad by reporting me for investigation to the DCF, but it was my sister who was warned 4 times by the ALF me and my husband had him in when my husband still had DPOA, but the 5th time, I obtained the police report and it stated that this time was like no other that she was running up and down the halls using profanity and threatening violence against the residents, Dad and staff.......and police finally trespassed her.....this is what set Mom off to pull Dad out in short order and take him to attny where he signed the revocation of the dpoa of my husband........from July to end of Feb, he was doiing fine under our care - within one month, had the massive stroke, I highly suspect due to medication mismanagement........place had been cited several times.........now, my Mom has him in this dump of a nursing home that I guarantee is over medicating him but I also am not allowed any medical info - she has specified that only the sister can get it.........I do not even think they will notify us if he dies........I know he is 86 but he was able to feed himself with his right hand (stroke was on left) on Easter and then as soon as they stopped physical therapy, seeing he is in bed all day, has lost muscle use of that side as well.........it appears that mother is content to just increase her visits slightly and is sitting back w sis waiting for him to die..........no one is pushing for phys therapy to continue or resume........they don't even put in his hearing aides ........I think it is horrible that a daughter cannot get info on their parent regarding medications........I know for one thing he is on a mood med that he does not need.......Mom approves of this because she does not want him "yelling at her" - this keeps him subdued.....heck, the last nursing home he was in said that he was always irate when Mother visited and that when sis visited all she did was yell about how much money he had........can't we as blood children, get some kind of court order to gain info or is it impossible once the person has gone into dementia??

The nursing home may have stopped P.T. medicare only pays as long as the pt. is improving and when they reach the level of the best they will get or just stop at some point medicare will not pay the NH and so they will discontiue therapy. I am so sorry that you can not get medicial info on him-but since the HIPA law came along providers must be so careful who they give information to because of people abusing the system. I had a lady calling to get information years ago on a pt.-she said she was his mother-I asked him about that because she sounded young -he said if it is my mother she is calling long distance -she is in heaven-it turned out to be an wife. The privacy laws make it more difficult for docs and nurses also to deal with family and friends.

My mother-in-law is punishing me because I won't put up with her passive aggressive behavior. Her reaction was so predictable. She 'helps' by taking care of the laundry as she is very capable of doing this. I think she thought I was not keeping up before she came so she was fixing something. Yesterday when she asked if she was allowed to take care of the laundry, when I have said nothing about her not being allowed to, she didn't like my answer of "why are you asking me this?" So......she just left our laundry wet in a basket out by the clothes line and didn't tell us. I am laughing as I am totally fine with doing our own laundry. It isn't done perfectly but I don't care as nothing I do is done perfectly as she is able to do it. Deep breath and keep laughing.

She sounds very childish are you able to just detatch from her much of the time-I hope she has her own space so you get some privicy -maybe she can just do her own laundry and at times make her own meals it might be a good idea to get her a small fridge and microvawe so she can do her own thing-I have a feeling she is in your face a lot-I hope your husband supports you my husband use to tell me he had to defend me every day-first of all why did he have to visit her every day on the way home from work and I guess he never was firm with her because she was able to pick on me EVERY f-n day. She was placed the last 8 years of her life -it would have been hell to have her in our home.

well, I have a schedule set up which I have not had a chance to go over with her. We home educate and I simply don't have time to deal with her games. Husband and I feel that she took on this habit of manipulation as a defense mechanism against her abusive husband. I try to hang onto 'normal adult behavior' within the family and hold her to that. part of holding her to that is ignoring the behavior. Easier said than done at times. Had a talk with her as she just came and asked if she would be allowed to snap the beans she grew from her own garden. She tries to make everything my fault. I have enough children and experience to be able to remind her that she has made a choice not to snap them and it is her fault if it doesn't get done and not mine. Deep breath.

Margeaux~It sounds like you were able to get a good start on the family tree search. II'm happy to hear everyone was glad to see your mother at the meeting. Sound like your sis was seething somewhat because you didn't do as she wanted. Good for you for not!! It's a common theme when you read the posts by so many of us that someone in the family is a control freak. Regarding the DPOA, when my mother is legally incapacitated my sister or me (if sister is not available) can make medical decisions for mother's care. It's all the legal road blocks and mother's delusions of us trying to steal from her that makes it stressful. The bank has been going beyond what they normally provide as a service with my mother regarding balancing her account for her. I will be going over to mother's today to look over some mail she asked me to look at. One is from the cemetery where she has prearranged her funeral at the Chapel and she is paying on the casket. She couldn't remember the word casket and called a box. We had a good laugh taking about just should have got a refrigerator box since it is cheaper!! I am distancing myself from my sister's emotions because I realized that I tend to get caught up in her emotions. She does have those controlling issues and wants to take my mother's finances away from her now which fueled me to get too caught up in the situation leading to me getting over stressed. My sis keeps thinking that because we have the DPOA she can take control now, I have to keep reminding her she can't because mother is not incapacitated yet. I am distancing myself from my mother too and will only help when she asks for it like she has with the mail she has received. I am caught in between since sis lives out of town, it will be me who will be doing most of the caregiving for mother. Before my mother gave us the papers for DPOA, I was the one who was doing everything when mother had issues come up. After we received the papers, my sister took an attitude that she needed to be the one doing all of it. Now her health is compromised. My mother asked me if I would go with her on Thursday to a meeting with her insurance provider regarding her long term healthcare policy and I said yes. I sent an email to my sis informing of the meeting telling her that if she would rather go that is fine, but I don't think we both need to be there. My only concern is that mother does not try to reduce the monthly premium because it will reduce her benefits and I know her provider will advice her not to reduce it. I got to get going as it's almost 9am. Thank you for thinking about me and I will continue sending you lots of positive thoughts.

Mom29~Take a deep breath and a giant step backward!!

My Dad hasn't driven in about 6 months or so and he just got a renewal in the mail for his license. He is 72 and not in good health. He says that he is going down to take the test and the eye exam but I dont think he will pass. He cant even walk 4 feet without having to rest I really doubt he will make it thru the DMV. The last time he drove with me in the care I thought we were going to be killed. He ran a red light and hit the curb twice while turning a corner. He shouldn't drive and usually doesn't but he says he needs a license just in case I'm gone and he needs to go somehwhere.

Good Morning Everyone,

Well I'd posted about what my cousin and me talked re: my sister, and the jealousies she seems to engage, and try reeling us into. As I said before, Dee had been caregiver through a paid program in our state til the budget cuts started. This was over a year and a half ago, while the narcissistic aunt was still alive, and for mom. My cousin is very good and responsible in the caregiving department. Well current day, now it's only mom. Mom lives in a two story home. My sister who still works a 40 hr. job, sleeps upstairs. So she has a couple caregivers who sleep w/mom; my sister is afraid about when mom may need to use the bathroom at night time. Well for this setup, they're covered during the week by the main caregiver to do this. However, there's one caregiver that comes on weekends, who doesn't want to sleep w/mom; prefers to sleep in living room. Unfortunately, because of mom's needs, defeats the whole purpose of she being there, quite honestly. There is another caregiver my sister has for weekends also, but needs some other person as back up.

Anyway, this is where my cousin comes back into the picture. Remember on a recent post, I wrote about my sister trying to imply that after my cousin was no longer being paid by that state program, my sister still called for her assistance to come and spend the night w/mom? Sister in an email to me tried to imply that our cousin could not come a couple of times, and implied, "now that she wasn't being paid, she wasn't willing to help." But last week, of course I did not tell my cousin this fact. I found out though, that my cousin just couldn't make it for good reasons.

Well, I spoke to my cousin a day ago, and developments are that my sister gave her a call. She's asking my cousin to be the back up person, in case there is a need. My cousin told me, that she feels rather confused via my sister's behavior w/her, as they used to talk more. My sister is definitely sending out mixed signals. Anyway my cousin, told me that she feels weird w/my sister on the one hand. I know this comes from my sister's overbearing attitude, I guess because she thinks she holds all the cards in her hands. She becomes an employer w/my cousin. But my cousin also stated although she really doesn't like that, she could use the money.

My cousin is a wonderful person, and my mom still remembers her and trusts her. I'm wondering, how do any of you feel about whether someone as my cousin should be paid for this service. I think she should be; I see nothing wrong with it. It makes me annoyed, that my sister should start using this arrogant attitude about money! Besides, she lives there w/a daughter who's just leaching off of her, (IMO) could be doing some of this!!!!! My sister won't dare ask her daughter to participate, so now my sister is having an issue with this. I'm more about sharing the money, especially if it's for the care of our mom.

I relieve every now and again, but I don't live that close, and because of my work situation, cannot commit to a steady (needed on weekend) relief schedule. Besides, unlike my sister, I pay rent.
There's a big part of me that doesn't want to enter into the clutches of my sister in that manner. I never ever hear her do these kind of judgments, nor do I know of her enlisting my brothers in this manner.

I think it is just awful, that somehow my sister thinks she's above people because she's in charge! She does have this very arrogant attitude w/respect to money.

Anyway, I'm going for my 2'd cup of Joe!
Margeaux

I would not let the sister guilt you into anything she has the cousin who is willing to work for pay and from what you said you are paying rent to your Mom if your sister expects you to work there besides paying rent that is not fair-if you are willing to work some to reduce your rent that is something else-since her daughter is living scott free she should take say 4 hrs at night to free up other caregivers at least on weekends.

Everyone wants something for nothing especially from relatives. Asking you to do more besides rent is 'saving' money in her mind. Suffer not guilt, ignore and proceed with life. It sucks to get the cold shoulder when you are not 'behaving' as they think you should but what you are describing sounds like you are being totally reasonable. Family is pretty challenged when it comes to reasonable.

Need in order to not have your father drive -can you take him for the test and relate his past driving history because if by some chance he passes a very dangerous driver will be on the road and you would feel bad if he hurt or killed someone and you know of his inability for safe driving-my husbands aunt had her pocketbook stollen from her grocary cart and was so upset because she had all her bank books plus good jelwery in it and was so upset she had an accident on the way home and died of her injuries.

Your cousin has every right to get paid for her services if she wants to have a business relationship with your sister. I'm not sure it would be healthy for your cousin in the long run but that is her choice. It does sound like your sister is trying to get to you through your cousin for being at the meeting together. Your cousin may want to think about this for a while.

My mother is trying to study for the written test but has too much anxiety and can't concentrate, obsessing over everything including DMV possibly taking her house from her. I so wish she would take an antidepressant. I spent some time with her yesterday going over mail which consisted of booklets regarding changes on her retiree benefits and changes on her investments. She thinks she has to read these booklets cover to cover, I keep telling her file them.

Shary does you mother have to also take a road test why did she lose her drivers license -maybe if she is so anxious about the written test she will not do well with either the written test or a road test and will have to give up driving are there any alternaives available like busses or transportation from the Office of the Aging.

My family was never dysfunctional until my mother came to live with me. I have 3 sisters. One sister is all about the money and unfortunately for me, my supportive sisters live too far away to help. When I asked my sister (who thinks she's doing a wonderful thing for me when she takes her for about 2 hours every Sunday - guess I should be grateful) if she could take Mom one more night for dinner as I needed some time alone - her reply was - "you'll have plenty of time to be alone after Mom dies"!!!! I work full time and then come home and take care of her. Physically she's "okay", but is slipping mentally. She just turned 85 and I know she won't be here to celebrate another birthday. But, my best friend/sister because of family disagreements, even though I'm siding with her hasn't talked to me in over a month, since she went home. That hurts. It hurts because most of my friends have "left" once my Mom moved in. Screw them and my sisters who can't support me. I can do this. I will do this for my Mom. And when she dies, I will know in my heart and also in my head that I did the best I could for her and I also know she loves me and appreciates me for it. If I have Mom's approval - I need nothing else.

I know this is where I am supposed to be posting tonight.... I know ya'll will understand with out me having to explain my feelings....
So much mess going at work, and the old 'scapegoat' role has been triggered.... I was in thereapy for many many years to get a handle on this and learn new behaviours, but funny how being too tired can trigger it all like it was today....
I will try to keep this simple, two of my coworkers are just full of drama, their priorites amaze me, yet it's none of my business as long as M and S are taken care of... and well taken care of ..... all this personality crap is insignificant in the bigger picture of things.... but I am being shown as the 'bad guy' here... some of ya'll know me from other threads. You have a general idea of what my personality is like, yes, I am outspoken, yes I get silly, but ya'll also know how much M and S mean to me... that this is more than a "job' to me.....
This is where it is 'crazymaking" and I know ya'll will understand this part... they are bound and determined to make me out to be this person that has nothing to do with what is going on.... does that make sense????? I can feel myself getting frustrated and wanting to delete this... but I am moving forward because I have to share this or it is going to affect me in my work......
M and S are requiring round the clock care now... so 4 others have been hired to cover it.... but these two young ones, and don't get upset here, there are young folks on here doing an awesome job, things I could have never done at their age....but these two are trouble makers and not really making the quality of care for M and S priorty..... it is more about personalities that caregiving....
I know that our healing is ongoing, and I also know there is a lesson in all this for me... but I totally resent what these two are doing, the things they are saying to M and to the daugher, and I also know M and the daughter know better, so why am I being so reactionay with all this?... am I just too tired to ? I hate these feelings, I have grown way past defending or explaining myself, so that is why I am putting it out here.... the feelings are real, tho not as intense or as paralyzing as when I was younger....why am I letting these two push my buttons, why am I giving them the power to drag this crap to the surface.... ? More healing?
All I know right now is that I resent the hell out of it... but it is what it is... so if any of you have any suggestions I am more than willing to hear them.... I think more than anything I need validation that it is just another stage of healing and that I am not really this bad person they are making me out to be.... and in my heart I know I'm not, this is what is so damned crazy making for me.....
Thanks for letting me share.... I know some of you will get what I am trying to say here, but Iearned a long long time ago, a problem shared is cut in half.... so if nothing else, thanks for listening.... hugs across the miles to you all ...

JLR, I work full-time and care for my 2 bedridden parents. For Years, it was only me and dad caring for bedridden mom. I have 7 sisters/brothers. Nobody helped us - physically or monetary. I have asked, begged, and threatened suicide (soooo tired of caring for parents). No response from sibling. But, in the years that I've been helping dad to care for mom, I would email/text all my siblings of the cost (pampers, wipes, feeding tube milk, toilet tissues, etc...) I kept at it. I vented that everyone had a life - married, children, traveled ...but I was stuck at home, etc....To make a long story short, due to my persistence of texting /emailing /verbalizing in person and by phone, I finally have 1 brother who is consistently sending money monthly – not for the parents –but for ME! We grew up in a very dysfunctional family. The siblings who are now helping, is doing it for me and not for the parents. I’m just saying, that maybe you can do the same with your siblings…bombard them with what you’re going through, the stress of money and paying for bills, etc…Hopefully this will eventually prick their conscience.

Ladee~I am sorry you are having to deal with this mess. I know from reading your posts you are a very caring, loving person especially with your charges. So these two are determined to make you out to be the person who has nothing to do with what is going on. I don't want to offend you as I have a lot of respect for you but is it possible that you are very enmeshed with the care of M and S? What I am trying to say is that your standards of care are higher than their's because of experience. You have great people skills, you put so much of yourself into your work and these newbies are not on the same page as you are because their emotional growth is not on the same level. I only bring this up because I have notice on my job, that I have some issues with younger people who seem to slide by when I get held to a higher standard. My issues stem from the fact that when I was their age, no one took me under their wing. I had to learn everything the hard way and that included getting fired a few times. What I started doing was first I took into account whether my boss was unhappy with the 20 somethings work. If the boss did not seem to have a problem then I knew it was something within myself. Unresolved issues with siblings who made me look bad to our parents, teachers or other adults? Dear friends through jr. and sr. high that I found out were talking crap about me behind my back? I took myself too seriously and expected others to do the same? I wanted to be respected and acknowledged for my accomplishments? I found that I wanted to be respected and acknowledged because these were the issues from my childhood that I never was validated on. It is very possible this is a growth experience for you. I have faith you will discover what it is and overcome it. You are a special caregiver Ladee and I would want someone just like you to care for my mother. Bless you and take the time you need to understand your feelings ♥♥♥!!

Austin~My mother has Alziemer's and a personality disorder. My sis and I reported her to DMV because we believe she should not be driving any longer. Her dr. would not do it so we finally mustered up the courage to report her anonymously hoping DMV would honor that and they have. She received the notice from DMV last week which she had to take to her dr. He had the opportunity to revoke her license himself, but instead he stated that in his opinion she should not be driving which now makes it DMV's decision to revoke it. I understand that he wants to maintain a dr/patient relationship with my mother and is giving her the chance to prove she can drive, but it is also causing her a lot of anxiety and stress that I had hoped would be avoided.

Thanks Sharyn.... I see what you are saying, no, they take good care of M and S... no complaints there... this is personal.... I know I was rambling when I first posted... trying to sort out my own confusion about why I am letting these two get to me so bad... and I am not concerned that M or the family is beleiving anything they are saying... it is that they are triggering the old feelings of being the scapegoat in my family dynamics...I am able to seperate this situation from the feelings... the feelings are old... I am even able to seperate their need to 'get along' as opposed to just going in and doig their job.... It doesn't matter to me if we like each other... I am 62 yrs. old... that part is not important at all... see, that's what I was saying about it being crazy making and guess I am not conveying clearly what I am feeling or even trying to say......
But I truly appreciate your feedback.... but I have no problems with the way they care for M and S, tho M has made it very clear she does not like the overnight girl...... but I do not engage in conversation about them with her... I let her talk, and keep my personal issues with them to myself....I don't even tell the daughter about this mess, it has nothing to do with the care of M and S....
No doubt there is a lesson for me here... so I'll try to focus on that... thanks for the reply... hugs to you....

Ladee, what you are experiencing is NORMAL co-worker environment! (Thank goodness it's just only me and my 2 bosses!) I know this from my siblings when they get frustrated (like you are). My siblings are all hard workers. Younger bro is in Virginia - having to do with navy ships. Oldest sis works in library. Younger sis works in a college -admin dept. I tell you, all of YOU have the same complaints. You all work hard. Then the slackers or the newly hireds does things and complain. Bro is not teaching them correctly (he does but they're lazy, not listening, etc..) Younger sis is not processing their requests (well, if they turned in their paperwork, I would do it.,...) Oldest sis gets blamed cuz newly hired is not doing their work properly (It's really not my job to teach them, that's the front desk. Still, I did teach them but...) Get it? And all 3 DO worry about their position because sooner or later, other people will believe these .. uhm.. troublemakers.

My conclusion based on my siblings: as long as you are a hardworker, it will reflect badly on the slackers. Therefore, the slackers will do their best to make you look bad, and make themselves look good. (And from both sisters - theh have lost some very good hard working coworkers due to these troublemakers.)

Solution? Sorry...my siblings are still trying to find one (and are still stressing a lot!) I hope that the daughter/son continues to believe in you and not the troublemakers. The thing is, Ladee, you cannot remain complacent. Because if those 2 can get the others to see you their way, then eventually daughter/son might wonder if they are right that you are a troublemaker.

Anyone here with work place experience on how Ladee can handle this situation? And NOT look like she's jealous or spiteful?

Ladee, I know you emphasize that they really do properly care for M and S. I'm not saying that you should be running to the daughter/son of this personality clashes. I'm just saying that you need to watch your back. They will be trying to undermine you from all fronts. Be aware and figure a plan of action. That's all I'm saying.