The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi Austin195,

Maybe I didn't explain myself in regards to the living situation. I do not pay my mom rent, as I do not live in that household. I live with my husband across town in an apartment. So when I was writing about that, I meant, that I have my own responsibilities, separate from my sister, in my own household. She's the one who lives at moms. Part of this was born out of the fact that she was selected as POA. At first our brother who was totally irresponsible, and wasn't taking care of business; we know for sure helping himself to our now deceased's aunt's and mothers money. But he wasn't tending, nor looking out for the welfare of two elderly women at that time.
Mom was already probably in stage 2 or 3 of ALZ, and her sister had congestive heart failure.
Prior to this, mom had been taking care of her sister. But when the diagnosis of ALZ became known to us, things began to change. Mom took a fall and landed in the hospital. Meanwhile her sister was also admitted; she had an infection on her foot, because she was borderline diabetic. Before the doctor's would release her and my aunt, they by law only released both of them to my brother's care. So this basically meant these two elderly woman could no longer be alone in mother's house. After this, my aunt had a falling out w/my brother, basically because he wasn't hiring anybody to do the caregiving, and he, nor anyone in his household was doing it either.
occurred.
Now, my aunt (who had charge of legal matters), switched the POA to my sister,
and younger brother. This is when my sister moved into mother's house w/her two daughters, and one daughter brought her then boyfriend w/her. Well, the daughter w/boyfriend moved out last year and married the guy.

Anyway, the history w/my sister w/regards to money, especially family money, has been she sought out loans from my parents, and that narcissistic aunt in the past to buy property. My sister rented a three bedroom house from the narcissistic aunt for about 15 yrs., and I know my aunt was not charging her high rent. In other words, my sister has relied heavily upon financial favors from the immediate family. So I sometimes think that possibly my sister feels some kind of indebtedness towards them. But she also owns two properties, (which she rents out). So I believe my sister has a strange relationship as to how she views people, say like my cousin and even me, who are not as financially set up as she is. This is why I feel that my sister is trying to do this strange game on my cousin, of asking her to come and spend the night w/mom, if needed, but she wants it for free.

Oh, and I'm fully aware about it is really not a good idea to work for friends, family and all of that. Once the friend or family dynamics changes into employer-employee relationship, things change. I've been there, done that, not with my sister, though. Anyway I just wanted to clear this up. I completely agree w/what you said about the daughter. Really, SHE's the one my sister should be putting some pressure on about helping. Thanks Austin, Margeaux

Ok, I get what you are saying BW. The only thing I know to do is document your work, stay as far from their drama as you can. Management usually knows who the trouble makers are unfortunately as you said BW, some good workers leave because they don't want the stress. In my experience, usually the troublemakers quit or if one of them quits, the other stops causing drama because they have no one to buddy up with. My husband worked with a woman who wouldn't follow policy and my husband was the shift commander. He warned her several times. She started shooting her mouth off that my husband was harassing her. Because his job is security for one of the labs in Livermore, they take this stuff seriously and an investigation was done. It all came back to her shooting her mouth off about my husband along with the documentation my husband had on her and she was given the option to quit. Hang in there Ladee, document your work and be aware of what they are doing.

Mom29,

You hit the nail on the head, that "family wants something for nothing."
Yes, I'm really learning to exercise my boundaries w/my controlling sister.
Many years while growing up around my sister, I must admit, that I didn't show her that it is wrong for her to interfere to the point, even to make me feel bad, about her bad behavior. Well, I'm learning to be stronger in this area. I guess, one just basically gets fed up w/all of this nonsense. Yes, it does ruffle feathers when they think you're being reasonable! Thank you, for pointing these things out. Margeaux

Don't worry BW, I'm definatley watching my back.... tried talking with one of them this morning... I left that situation feeling like I had been projectile vomited on with WORDS.... about 20 seconds into it, I knew there was not going to be anything resolved... so, just to shut her up, i said, "your right... you are right about everything"... she just looked at me.... I told her we needed to have a professional front and to hell with the rest of it, and that I would not be havng any more conversations with her.... period... got up and got busy and she left....I only have to see this one for a few minutes in the mornings to listen to report, so I can do that....
And as far as the family is concerned, they already have an opionion of her, the daughter has told me not to worry, she will elimintate herself....
So thanks for the replies and for listening.... it will all work out... hugs to you all...

Well, since standing my ground and ignoring the weird behavior for a week and pretty much spending my days away from home with my kids......I am tired. Because I am tired and want to be alone my husband seems pissed about that. Nice. I feel much like I am being measured by some standard and when *I* need support from people who are supposed to be adult, then I am measured as lacking somehow. I think it is true that when I am exhausted, all the time of counseling etc goes out the window. I want all the so called 'adults' to get away from me. My live in in-laws are just hard for me to bare. They are the grumpiest, non-friendly, non-loving people. So.....I am told by some well meaning folk how they are transitioning and it is hard for them. They have lived with their kids for about ten years now. It is hard for ME. I vent as I hope it is safe to express what I am feeling here. I give a ton of myself throughout the week to the nine kiddos and I am basically not required to do much of anything with the in-laws besides feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am being to hard on them I guess. I actually have said little to nothing but have also heard nothing very understanding of where I am at in return. I see how I don't trust them and I don't trust m husband to understand. Ugh. Vent, vent, vent.

Hi Austin195,

Oh, Thank You for the hug! Not at all Austin, I always welcome the comments here.
I know you're not criticizing. But I too wanted to make sure that you understood the situation. I know, sometimes we post about things but it's pages ago. We can't remember all the details. I many times go back several pages just to try to keep the facts about lots of people here clear in my head. Ha, ha!

You welcome also. It feels very comfortable here, our community.
Love & Light to you my dear, Margeaux

Hi Sharynmarie,

Yes, my cousins are very nice women. They like my mom. She being really one of the only elders from the older generation left, so I know they kind of look to her as a mom. Well, my sisters willful attitude, was really what annoyed me.

Boy, the DPOA stuff, is so convoluted, isn't it? Legalities! I really didn't quite understand some of this, still don't know I do, but that post about my brother getting it revoked and re-written so that my sister and younger brother now have it.
I've been realizing what responsibilities kick in, and when they do.

Oh, when I read you post about your mom and the driving test, it made me think, why does an elder in her condition have to go through this? No matter what, poor thing! If only that doctor would have been more thinking and signed that paper for DMV.

Well, you know sometimes when we have people like we've w/ALZ, things just start to unfold and w/o any input on our parts. Hopefully some of the necessary things that need to happen so that you can finally be in charge, w/o the resistance from your mom will happen for you in a good way. Your unbelievable!
Love & Lots of Light Sharynmarie! Margeaux

Good Morning to Everyone,

It was quite interesting attending the family gathering to see what my cousins remembered about the family so we could start doing more research about them.
Our eldest cousin, who considers herself the matriarch had some info. But she is a narcissist also. I personally was hoping she would stay on track about our side of the family. Her sister, provided us with what I consider more solid information.
She had a document, a birth certificate for the three eldest siblings of my dad.
That was very interesting.

So I started to do an initial search through Ancestry.com. I did find some things there. There's a fourteen day trial offer made, which provides one with more information about people. So I think I'm going to go with that. Have any of you used this, and were you pleased with the service?

But what I did find, were records regarding my dad in a Census. At that time he was married to his first wife. He had five children with her. My siblings and me didn't hear about that family until I was about 10 years old. They started to get married, so we were invited to their weddings.

Dad never talked about details, such as when he was married to the first wife, etc. He did support this family financially. But unfortunately didn't have much of an emotional relationship w/them. We were told stories about how difficult his ex-wife was, on that note. It appears the ex-wife brainwashed dad's kids. There are two sons who did try coming around to visit dad, they must have been in their twenties. So this happened when they were young adults. But the eldest son, (when we saw him at weddings) never acknowledged dad. So of course, we had to bear the brunt of this. Anyway, through that Census, I discovered that dad must have had that first son at a very young age. I think this son could have been possibly 11 or 12 yrs. old when my dad left the marriage. So this could explain why that son seemed so resentful towards dad. This happened at two of the weddings we attended; he didn't say hello to our father. It was difficult enough being told at 10, that dad had a whole other family. It was equally as difficult witnessing his son, ignoring my dad and sensing that dad didn't feel good about that. But I remember the fact, that for I knowing what a wonderful man my dad was, it was unfortunate that things were as such; that his kids from the first marriage became so brainwashed into thinking their dad was a bad guy and had abandoned them. So our family inherited a lot of that dysfunction, I'm sure!

I am certain his ex-wife was a narcissist. She apparently even had three more kids after the ones she had w/dad. She gave those last three dad's last name.
My dad didn't even know about that. All of her kids thought that even those kids were dads. It wasn't until one of the last three was to be married and it was in the days when people took the blood test before marriage, that the truth came out.
Whoah!! The **** hit the fan, over there apparently between dad's legitimate children and their mother.

But nevertheless, it's exciting to find out information about the family. I did discover several new names of great grandparents. That's exciting. When I find out more, I'll share it. Margeaux

Hi U565425,
First of all, I'd like to thank you for a hug you posted, I believe it was almost a month ago. You sent me an explanation about your situation of which I had a lot of questions. Anyway, I noticed you'd been communicating more w/some others on this thread.

WOW! What a family story. Honestly U565, how do you deal w/your mom and sister!! I comment you for the trouble, and obvious good involvement you've shown w/your dad's health. What is it about other family members that do sabotage? Does your mother have some mental health issues?

Anyway, I feel for you that you had that ID theft committed against you and your husband, no less as I understood by your own sister!
I guess once the Dept. of Family Services has been enlisted it can get ugly, which is more than apparent by what you've described, of the nursing home trying to bar your visits to your dad.

Well this other post I read later re: your dad having signed over the DPOA, all orchestrated by your mother!! Given all the details you wrote, that he has had issues w/alcohol, brain damage how could a signature for DPOA be valid!
Maybe you should go speak to an attorney about this matter.

But I realize also, that when you loved one has suffered a stroke as is in the condition your dad is now in, time is of the essence. Well no matter how difficult all of this is for now, try to focus on when you are w/your dad w/the pureed food you prepare for him.

I understand this situation, as my dad who had cancer towards the very end of a his life suffered a stroke. He was hospitalized. Meanwhile, the DPOA's-mom, and then my brother; I must include my sis-the controller were all arguing one day in front of dad who was unconscious by now in his hospital room. I was so angry at them that day, and advised them to at least leave the room while they were having a heavy discussion about legal issues. Even though dad was unconscious, I felt or thought maybe he could hear what was going on! Well, they left the room. I stayed with dad and really this was to be my last time there w/him. I said little things in his ear. Dad squeezed my hand as if indicating he knew I was by his side. This for me, was my confirmation that he could hear what was being said.

Anyway, I know it's rough at this time for you. Hopefully while you are at least visiting, it's you and your dad by yourselves. You will be in my thoughts!
Love & Light! Margeaux

U565425,

Oh, I re-read my post, sorry for some typos.
Margeaux

Sharynmare, I think I remember you saying you worked in seed saving. We ate the best tomatoe EVER tonight and want to save the seeds. I have looked and looked, but can't find what you wrote about saving seeds. If you have time, could you post it again, or send me a note on my wall? We'd be grateful! Thanks, kimbee

It is true people who are not responsive can hear -we had a pt. years ago who was in a coma and some staff mostly nurses talked in front of her -they were sure she could not hear-well she did recover completely and told of what she had heard while in the coma. My husband was unresponsive most of the last two days of his life and he knew who was talking to him he would squeeze someones hand and try to smile with everyone but me-with me he would pretend he did not hear me and acted different with our son and daughter and granddaughter-I know he was trying to hurt me-he was big on punishments all our marriage-it was so hard on me I blocked it out in my mind until months later istarted thinking about it-that was the day my rings came off-and I knew he meant it when he always said he hated me.

Yes, it is true that people who are not responsive can hear. I know from personal experience for 8 days.

Hi Ladee,

I was just reading your post about your work situation.
I'm very sorry that these two younger workers are making you feel this way.

While I was growing up, being the eldest of four siblings a lot was expected of me since my two parents were working full time. So we had no stay at home mom. Guess who became that person. My parents each in their own ways, favored my siblings for a variety of reasons, so there was definitely lots of favoritism at play in the family dynamics.

So I know for certain that this influenced the way I behave in situations, especially current day since my mom now is 92 yrs.old and my sister lives w/her, administrating the care w/paid caregivers. So if it's that I go there to relieve my sister when needed, or just to visit mom I on occassion get some kind of comment/dig/guilt trip by my sister who seems to think she's going to run things her way, no matter what. Now I understand when you say that you are on a healing path, and as I understand want to take the high road. I try doing the same w/my sister. She usually tries to do these kinds of things as a way also to make herself out to be the martyr, because that's who SHE is.

I realize that in a work scenario this is different, because all of you are getting paid to do this. But anyway, do you think these people are trying to look better in the eyes of your employer by this behavior? I would suggest if I may, as did Sharyn that you document some of this. We all want to take the hight road, but even I unfortunately get my buttons pushed by my sister even if I try not to allow this. But this is in a family dynamics.

Your feelings are valid, don't ignore them. Be aware w/these two co-workers.
Anyway, it is good that M & S's needs come first for you, and that their family realizes the truth of the matter. Lots of Love & Light! Margeaux

I'm thinking dealing with a narcissistic parent could be another thread! This is my first post here...and I need to figure how to stop argung with my mom...since as a narcissist it doesn't change her reality...and only makes me angry and/or feel guilty. But as an adult, I feel like I can and should stick up for my dad who has been the subject of her abuse since day one. Lot's of co-dependency issues obviously. She seems pleasant in her demeanor...but people don't see that nothing is ever good enough, she does nothing to improve her life but blames everyone else for it, makes up lies about her life and our family's life to make herself look superior and "prove" that her life has been so hard...when in reality she has been VERY privileged. I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!

Quechua~If you could provide some additional details such as are you living with your parents? Is your father's health declining and needs care that your mother is not providing? What is your mother's health situation aside from being narcissistic? This information will help us to provide you with support and information for your situation.

QuechuaCare67, there are some threads here about dealing with narcissistic parents. You can search for them using the search site in the upper right hand corner of this page.

cmagum good to see you posting and hope you are doing ok.

I could write a book about my family. Taking care of kids and kids father has dementia, he has no one left but his sister. And sister does not care about him at all. Leaves everything to me to deal with. I have no life no time to visit my family taking care of him and my kids. Work and no play. I can go on but i won't...Life sucks, and it takes a toll on me and my job and my kids. They hate there father which i don't blame them, cause he says things to them they don't like, and does not know how to be a dad at all. He yells all the time, so on. Hate my life. I forgot what normal life is all about and taking vacations and hanging out with friends.

Quechacare.....are you a lost sibling I did not know I have? LOL because you describe my mother to a T and this evening I was left feel totally unappreciated and kicked in the stomach. No, they don't change, the universe revolves around them in their reality, and while they do not try to change their situation they are miserable and accuse you of "being all self" for having a life outside of them....I set certain boundaries because I have an autistic son and hobbies I enjoy on the weekends after a stressful week at work....I get her groceries every Saturday, go up on Fridays to put out her garbage and recyclables, take her to appointments and the bank and if an emergency does arise, I go over there....I was informed today I am not willing to do anything extra for her and do nothing for her really...what a hurtful kick in the teeth considering my sister never calls or goes over to see her and has made it well known she cant be bothered doing the groceries or anything else because her cottage on the weekends and social life with her family comes first....she is upset with me because I decided today as part of my long weekend, I was going to watch movies and finish knitting which totally relaxes and destresses me...the elderly person home advises me that all of their residents end up there because family gets burnt out and the elderly family member become too difficult and nasty to deal with....I'm wondering if anyone else at this point is feeling totally devalued and unappreciated.

i am wondering where i fit in the scheme of inlaws - dysfuntional, alcholism and mentally disturbed sister in law 5 minutes from my home. i've removed myself from helping out my spouse, concentrating on our pre-teen son. my spouse wants a "happy" home to return to after work or after helping elderly parents with medications, appointments...or de-fusing a situation with his "sponging off parents" sister. i respect him for helping but our immediate family suffers. we are living as room mates; sharing a home, scattered talks, no routine with his child...i would have loved having another child, but i foresaw things going down hill since father in law's heart attack years ago. i don't want to sound selfish as I write this...I am at a loss. My friends aren't in this position and no one really to discuss this with. Maybe someone out there knows how I feel. Thanks for your time.

CG, I feel Devalued and Unappreciated. Just today, at 6:15am, I got up to do daughterly duties. Father decided to lecture me that I MUST sleep early so that I can take care of them better. He went on to say that I was a BAD DAUGHTER and that I HAVE to take care of them. I have since age 23 volunteered to help dad care for Alz mom. Last year, he had a stroke and is bedridden. I have 7 siblings. Only 1 is here helping Mon-Fri while I work. I had a very stressful weekend cuz sis left Friday and did NOT tell me that there's something wrong with the power outlet. I investigate why it's not working. Seems the wall power surge protector and the cord attached had burned. It was black and melted plastic. I informed brother (electrician) about problem. On Saturday, after work (got off at 2pm) I went to Home Depot and bought a replacement wall protector and extension cord. Bro did not fix it. So on Sunday we had tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. I can't drive to get food cuz I care for 2 bedridden parents. I knew bro will not fix the outlet on Sunday cuz him and whole family will be enjoying the Labor Day picnic parties at the beach. Monday, today, father decides to say viciously that I'm a BAD DAUGHTER. I reacted badly. I was seriously suicidal in June and this site has helped me A LOT. I refuse to go down that deep dark tunnel ever again. So, I told him that I am NOT a Bad Daughter, he has 8 children and only me is here with them. Does he think anyone can do a better job of caring for them than me? He said yes. He will use his money to hire. I said fine. You go find someone, and I will pack up and leave. It just got vicious, I started crying (rarely do-sign of weakness.) I called sil of next door that I'm dressed up and walking out. Send someone NOW to care for them cuz I can no longer handle this and if I don't get help, I will kill myself. If that's the only way I can get away from them, then I will. I was just crying on the phone, all the way to the car, and driving to sis' house.

I'm home now. I came back at 3pm and SIL and daughter did not change father's pampers since lastnight. I walked in and the livingroom was stinking of his overnight urine smell. I didn't care. I sat down while sis came too for support. I finally changed them at 5pm. He was really soaking wet. And I had no feelings at all for him. He tried to talk nicely to me. But, his words this morning was so vicious that at the moment, I'm still numb. I'm really really sad right now. I think it's the depression trying to pull me back down that tunnel. I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I just feel so, so, sad.

Sis felt so bad. She tried all day to cheer me up. Went shopping but I was so quiet. Tried to get me to eat lunch but I just wasn't hungry. Still not hungry. He keeps trying to talk to me, I just can't talk to him. I just make the TV louder to drown him out.

Just venting. Actually, I wasn't go to comment until I read your post CG.

Sadinthepacific, I hate to say this to you while you're feeling at a loss on where you fit in the scheme with the inlaws. But, Please Just be Grateful that your husband has not invited them to live with you! Or even worse, to decide that you all move in with his parents! Count your blessings. Trust me, I've read enough on this site about those situations..... I believe that by the time your husband comes home, he's too tired to spend time with you and your son? I'm not a parent and it's kind of difficult for me to give you advice. But the only thing that keeps popping into my head is: can you and him put aside - even if it's once a week - time just for you and your son? May it be eating out - like MacD or Dennys, etc...? Or go to a movie? Or rent out a video that you all can enjoy (or pretend to enjoy since most males like violent shooting movies.) Maybe find a 30min TV show that the whole family can watch,laugh, etc??

(((((((((bookworm))))))))
I seriously think you need a break. What would happen if you just walked away and stayed away for a while? Let your family know that you cannot do this alone anymore, and that you are going away for e.g two weeks. and you expect them to take responsibility for your parents while you are gone, and if they are not looked after, it will be their doing, not yours., So far they hardly help at all. The electrical problem should be fixed by your brother, and quickly. I have found for people who do not listen, or seem to care, that at times I have to create a crisis to make an impression on them, because all the reasonable asking and explaining hasn't worked. I don't mean you have to "throw a scene" though if that works for you fine, but simply tell them that you are going away for a while and it is up to them to take over from you. They can figure out among themselves who will do it. There certainly are enough of them, and they are taking advantage of you, and that should stop. Maybe this makes no sense to you and that is OK. I am concerned about you, and hate to see you get to this point. I am so thankful that you are not suicidal any more. You said that your thinking used to be that killing yourself was the only way to get away. It isn't the only way. You can walk away. The result to your parent's care is the same. Someone else has to do it. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone else would have to care for your parents,

What I see from what you wrote is that your sil and sis are concerned for you - so that you will go back and keep doing the caregiving - not that they are concerned for your parents, or someone would have changed diapers. That is appalling to me and the biggest kind of "using". Is there no social services where you are? I think you have answered that before, Would the church help? Anyway, bw, you need to help yourself as this is too much for anyone to bear alone, (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and prayers - Joan

Joan, the family drama unfolded under the Caregiver How are YOU thread. It seems everyone agreed that I shouldn't be a fried bookworm. A wet or soggy bookworm is better than a fried one - I totally agree. This is what I have concluded on that thread which I did not include here....but just because I decided below doesn't mean I will not think of yours and Cat's and others. I have not yet reached the end of my rope where I can walk away from parents without my conscience beating me up.

Decision: Oldest sis is moving in in December. If I can just last long enough for her to move in. Next argument in December, I can pack up for the weekend and spend it with sis or at a hotel using local rates. I won't worry about finding someone to cover since Oldest sis will be here.

I will also take my sis' offer to pay for a caregiver for Sundays.
I can't believe I was actually looking forward to caregiving parents after a hectic week at work!!!! Be careful what you wish for....

Beating yourself up is called guilt, bw.I think you have evry little to feel guilty about, even if you take a break. Having a caregiver paid by your sis for Sundays should help.
Having sis move in in December should help too. Wlll the paid caregiver come soon? I hope so. Looks like there is a little light on the horizon, or in the tunnel. ((((hugs))))

How about right now you take say 24 hrs away and stay with your good sister and do not go back for the duration of the 24 hrs if there is an emergency anybody can 911-Dec is too long to wait for help. Guys I am in the black hole-holidays are so hard and my friend wants to be the one to call me so I can not really call him -I am trying to do yard work and house work but all I want to do is cry holidays are very hard for me being alone.

Oh, Austin...I'm a loner. Since I was in my early 20's I have stopped celebrating holidays. But, just because I don't celebrate it doesn't mean I would not miss it. Holidays means for me: FOOD. But lately, my fam don't do it anymore. They now do their own thing - no longer including extended family. It may not be the same situation as you, but...it does get a bit depressing knowing that others are celebrating while you're stuck at home.

I wish I was into those internet games. Then, I'd hook up with you and we can play against each other. But, I'm not into games - whether it's chess, checkers, etc...Although I do love to play SORRY! with the kids.

I wish I'm into instant messaging and we can "chat" that way but...I've tried that. I'm so uncomfortable talking to people on the phone (even with sis). I feel the same way with "chatting online." I prefer to talk to people by email, this site or in person.

Although I hate crying, why don't you first cry yourself out. Other than waiting for your friend to call, what do you love to do? Any hobby? Any "wish list" that you've always wanted to do but never did?

Before I became a caregiver for mom, as a teen, I've always wanted to volunteer for the hospital. Needless to say, I have absolutely No Desire to do that! But I still love reading. Anything you can think of?

I don't think doing yard work and house work on a holiday is productive for you. If I remember, tomorrow, I can Google for ideas. I just love surfing the web....I say tomorrow because it's about 11:15pm here. If you're having a bad time with this holiday, how will you be in Thanksgiving and Xmas!!! Maybe someone on this site who does celebrate holidays and have experiences can give you some tips.

Sometimes, I wish I live in the states. Then, I can just hop on a plane and meet with those who just needs some quality time with friends. Not family but friends. Wouldn't it be nice?

I wish I can brainstorm or tell you a funny story to cheer you up but I think my brain is getting foggy. I had an exhausting day and I still need to clean mom's trache. Would you like for me to tell you a true "scary" story? Oh, maybe not. I don't know if that's good since you live alone. I have LOTS of true "scary" stories. Forget that....I'm sorry Austin. The computer is now wobbling. I'd better quickly stop and clean mom's trache. My body is shutting down whether I want to stay awake or not...

You take care, okay. We do care for you a lot Austin. You have given us a lot of very helpful advice. I scrolled thru my AC Words of Empowerment file and I see your name on it. You hang in there. Maybe also post on How are YOU thread too? Have to go....HUGS!!!!

Bookworm...thanks for your words. I do realize time is far and few between more so nowadays. I have felt greatful for years....yes, years. I've suggested helpful things to spouse - counselor, priest...answer is always "we'll see". I am busying myself with son's school so I have positive things to do. Thanks.

Bookworm~What a stressful day for you!!! I am glad you stuck up for yourself with your dad. You do need to get help and I am glad your sister is pitching in for a caregiver on Sundays. Your brother and SIL should pay for one on Saturdays as well. If you have to leave for a couple hours on the weekends do it. When your SIL gets tired of having to parent sit, then maybe she will put pressure on your brother to pay for a caregiver to help on Saturday. Hugs to you!!!

Book thank you for your kind words. I emailed my neighbor and invited her to go for a walk with me but she suggested comming over for coffee -so I stoped the housework and got some goodies out of the freezer and will work on my lesson for Bible study of our church womens group we are studing P roverbs 31-if nothing will cause depression in us women reading Proverbs 31 will really get to you-when we read it is our group a while ago -I said I wonder how many friends she has? I will be better tomarrow because I have to get a new dress for a wedding I am going to and time is going fast-I did lose 20 lbs. but hate clothes shopping but did force myself to go into Goodwill and try on some dresses and yeasterday stopped into another store and tomarrow will go to a mall to see what I can find then the rest of the week I have activities so I should be alright and if my friend does not call by SAT evening I will call him-another thing to get worked out between us if we are going to continue to be good friends and maybe more.