The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo,

Wow! You have been through quite an ordeal with Toonie! Well I hope he is on the mend. Cats are such wonderful pets, aren't they?

My husband brought a cat here to our apartment many years ago when it was a baby. He's all white, so his name is Vanilla. This was way before I was in the picture. My husband began to travel for his work, so was sometimes away 3 mos. at a time. So a woman neighbor, who already had another cat, ended up taking over Vanilla. This woman and my husband still maintain a relationship through Vanilla, so I say they have joint custody of the cat. He is now 20 yrs. old.
He comes over at least 4x's a week, and when she is out of town we feed and watch the cats for her. Vanilla is such a lovely cat, I give him kitty massages, and he loves that! So I guess there are lots of cat people on this thread! HAAH!
Much Cat Love! Margeaux

My mother has spent the week moping about the injustices of life since my brother left. I so want to say that it is the bed she made for herself, but there is no point being honest at this stage in her life. I believe that she was under the illusion that the young men in her life would step up when my father died last March. Instead they pulled further away. I don't know what she expected of them. I guess just a lot of attention. I know my brothers and know that the youngest will come when she is in the hospital and the other will come when she dies. I guess she is just starting to understand that.

I do not blame my brothers. My mother has always expected the children to come to her, but never reached back. She is learning that quid pro quo doesn't keep working for most people without the quo. A parent has to pull the family in about them from an early age or they become a group of polite strangers.

My mother is only 85 and could live several more years. She doesn't want to keep living, but she doesn't want to die. I am afraid that I don't have the strength to keep living her life every day. I can care for her, but entertaining her all day would mean ignoring my own life. I do wish she had other people who she could share with, but she has kept everyone too far away. Unfortunately, I don't feel close to her, either, and I feel bad about that.

Jessie -no need to apologize. I am the one who should. you are right on track.I find your analysis of the roles of your sibs interesting. There are only 2 of us My sister is the golden child who can do no wrong and I am a combination of the black sheep and the sacrificial lamb. I guess we have no last hope. From what I read on this site, the golden child rarely if ever is the one who helps. The abused child is the one who the parent turns to for help as they age. I see it as in part what I call the Cinderella Syndrome, where the abused child is expected to be the servant. My mother had holidays with my sister, but expects me to be the one to look after her, and always has. My sister refuses to help -she would visit and sit and watch mother and I do things when mother was moving, and not lift a finger.
littleton - Yes the golden child is always the victim. In our family the oldest -my sister is the golden child. I am the youngest and the servant. We are 14 months apart and people have asked if i am the older as I take responsibility where my sister doesn't. Taking holidays together and having fun times does not look after the essentials. I am glad you are able to get away sometimes. It must be necessary for your health. Fortunately I caregive at a distance and mother is well looked after in an ALF. Even then I have to keep very firm boundaries.

Jessie~There is nothing wrong with setting some boundaries with your mother so you don't have to entertain her. Don't ignore your own life dear friend!! My mother has alienated herself from her family because of unrealistic demands, no logic, and accusations over the years (personality disorder). I keep a firm distance and only help with issues regarding her age related problems. It is not your fault you are not close with her and the things she shares with you are things she probably would not share with someone else because she knows her thinking is wrong. If my mother shared the things she does with me and my sister, no one would talk to her and she knows it. Don't live your mother's life, instead embrace your life. ((((Hugs))))

Sharyn what you are saying about the changes on your mother sound right. There is a significant difference there. And it is hard for drs to diagnose in the early stages. I know someone whose wife went to their doc, he went, they went together because they suspected Alz, but it took several years before the doc made a diagnosis. Now he is on meds and feeling and actin so much better. I hoe eventually you can get a diagnosis for your mum and maybe some meds to hlepe.

Hi margeuax - I am a little behind. It has been a tough week, I have had the cat to deal with and painful ovarian cyst. Lifting him back and forth to the vet did not help. You are right there is lots of character defamation, and it is all about who can do what for the narcissistic person. I am glad your cousin is helping and has her eyes open. I hear you about the den of cobwebs. My sis so so nice to people - on a superficial level, that they wonder that I dont spend more time with her. If they get to know her better, they understand.`It is too bad your dad`s first wife painted hm black to their kids. It would make it very hard to have any kind of a relationship with them.Cats are wonderful pets. Sounds like the joint custody of Vabnilla works well. Good idea. 20 years old is an ancient cat! He must be well looked after. They do love being massaged and it is good for theé I think there are lots of cat people around. I am puttng up a pic of Toonie. :) instead of me.
Much love to all -look after you! ♥ Joan

jessie -ditto to what sharyn said! She has made her bed...

Margeaux~I am catching up...I was off yesterday and again today. Lower back and leg pain from being on my feet all day at work so I have had to pamper my lower back with stretching and laying on a hard floor plus using thermacare for the lower back. Feeling better today.

My approach is continuing to work and as you know with a personality disorder and Alz nothing is fool proof. My mother is on the rampage with my sister again.She accusing my sister of stealing a file mother had on the kitchen table, then left to run errands and said file was gone when she returned. Yesterday a man called my mother (regarding what we do not know) and mother is accusing my sister of having this man call her, LOL!! She threatened my sister with legal action, LOL!! My naughty side is coming out today, I laugh because it is just too twisted thinking. I teased my sister to quit harassing poor mom!! I am staying out of it. Normally I would call my mother and talk her down, calm her,etc. but I am leaving that up to my sister to deal with because she needs to learn to do it herself. My sister did tease back that she hired a hit man from the mafia to break mother's knees to start with. Our twisted sense of humor is in full form! It's a good coping skill to deal with the situation.

Joan~Getting a diagnosis is easy...getting mother to the dr. to do it is the hard part and getting her take the medicine is a whole other can of beans. I have relaxed and am not going down that road again to try to get her to the dr. I have resigned myself to the fact that in time the Alz will progress and maybe then some medications can be prescribed to ease her anxiety, in the mean time mother is running full steam ahead and will wear herself out emotionally and return to a form of normalcy for a short time before it starts all over again.

My kitty is my garden buddy. He follows me all around the garden while I work. He is a great gofer catcher too. Only draw back is he brings his catches in the house through the doggie door so we have to watch him carefully. When Simon was still living, he was my kitty with a personality disorder. Very neurotic personality a siamese mix who was feisty. He would fight even after being neutered until one time he got hurt badly. After that he became mostly a house cat but would go out in the backyard only to sun himself and follow me around.I don't think anyone else would have put up with Simon's personality. He adopted us by taking up residence in our garage. He had a good life with us and did get calmer after Tiger came into the picture. I think he was threatened by Tiger so he changed his personality and became more loving. Well I gotta go...less than 3 weeks before I go to Idaho to visit my daughter and I have made progress in my art room need to start painting. Hugs to everyone!!!

Well, a little on the ongoing saga with my mother. Today was a day of honesty. My mother hatched a plan today where I was going to do a lot of things to pull my brothers in closer to the family. I told her it had been 60 years of us not knowing each other, and that it was too late to do much. She said she couldn't understand us kids because "she and her brothers and sisters had all been so close."

"Well, you had different parents," I answered.

She pondered how my father had never been a good one -- he had what would now be called low-functioning Asperger's. She didn't mention her own part in the sucky-parent partnership. She told me it was my job to pull everyone back together before it was too late.

"It is too late," I said. "You can't neglect children for 60 years than try to bring them back together. They are just polite strangers."

"Well, that's you're problem. You never wanted to try." I listened, wondering how the break down of the family unity was suddenly my fault. "Aren't you willing to at least try? You're always so negative, never trying to do things."

Actually, I was the only one in the family who ever did try. I simply told her no, I was not going to try again, and if she wanted to try to pull the boys in, then pick up the phone and call them. I knew it wouldn't work. One had his church family and the other his biological family in another state. They didn't need this mother and sister they barely knew.

She was getting very angry with me for not trying to undo the neglect the family had suffered at their hands. I don't know what magic she thought I had, or why she thought it was my place to suddenly become the mother. I finally told her, "Mom, they have a saying about making a bed, then having to lie in it. This bed has been made and we are where we are. Maybe you can put together some kind of relationship with the boys. You have to start where you are now."

Of course, her solution was for me to start. I told her no. I wanted to point out to her that she needed to mend her relationship to me. I don't think she even realizes how damaged it is. I'm here physically, but I'm in a different place emotionally. What a sad situation this is. You can't create a loving family out of a group of strangers.

JesseBelle...sounds like you have a good handle on what has/is going on. I tried gentle honesty and Mother will not listen. It was hard but I've somewhat detached from feeling like anyone's daughter.

I have wonderful friends and in-law family and that is where my happiness comes from.

littletonway, it is not a good feeling for sure. It would be nice to feel like someone's daughter or someone's sister. I think this creates a huge gap in out lives. I imagine a lot of other people have the same gaps. You are so lucky to have your in-laws and friends. I know they help keep you grounded.

My goodness...how can a mind become so broken? My mother is so convinced my sister is getting in her house when she is not home that she left a note for my sister on the kitchen counter telling my sister to stay out of her house and out of her files. Mother then left the house, came back read the note and forgot she wrote it and called my sister accusing her of having written the note. Is this all Alz or is part of it mental illness? It is so mind boggling I just don't know anymore.

Good question which I googled and found the following articles.

http://www.thechicagobridge.org/alzheimers-disease-is-it-a-mental-illness/

http://www.fortherecordmag.com/archives/042809p24.shtml

Thank you cmag, I read the articles and it does shed some light on my mother's situation. My sister called APS and is now waiting for a social worker to call her back. I think we are going to have to have a state appointed guardian take over care for mother since she doesn't trust us. I hope you are feeling better with the new meds. You haven't posted in a while but you are in all our thoughts!!

sharyn -I hope you are free of pain -I think it is a good idea to let your sis deal with what is between her and your mom, however crazy it might be. I don't think you can entirely distinguish between the mental illness and the dementia - both of them are illnesses, though different, though the docs will try to for treatment's sake. I find it helps me to realise that mother's behaviour, though it seems "evil" at time, or crazy, is due to illness of some kind. Simon sounds interesting -Siameses are different I am glad he settled down after that fight. Maybe Toonie will. Tiger sounds like a good companion.
(((((((((((((((((jessie)))))))))))))) it never ends does it. Mother says that she wants nothing more than that the two of us (sisters) would get along, but then she plays games and manipulates between us. I don't answer. I think you are right that your mum has no idea how damaged her relationship with you is. I am sure mine has no idea. It is sad that those who are related by blood cannot form normal family units. Jessie, like littleton, I have formed relationships along the way in life -and I have sisters by friendship if not by blood. I also have a few brothers by friendship, and definitely have had some substitute mums.
littleton - I also have found that gentle honesty does not work. There is a lifetime of denial that remains. I must say I don't feel much like a daughter either -never have - more like Cinderella. I am very thankful for friends too, for parents of friends as I grew up, for aunts and uncles and cousins, and for my ex mil who I have remained friends with.
Hi cmag - good to see you posting. Good articles

sharyn re your most recent post - I am glad your sis called APS. Your mom has been progressing downward, and getting more and more paranoid etc I have dreaded that this might happen with my mother, but hasn't so far. If one is appointed, your mother will likely eventually not trust a state appointed guardian either, but they will know how to handle things. It can be too stressful for a family member. Hopefully the social worker will be helpful. It does seem that your mum needs help, that she will not take from you or your sis.

I am saddened for a friend whose y0ung adult son has taken his life. I believe the funeral will be in Edmonton next week. Of course with mother there, it gets complicated as if she knows if I am coming she will want me to spend all my time with her, and likely create a crisis to try to make that happen. The solution is to not tell her. Not that I am 100% comfortable with that, but it is the most practical. I will not be in good shape to see her anyway, and put up with the complaints at that time. It is bringing back some feelings about Gordie just because it is the death of a young man.

Emjo I agree not telling your mom that you will be there-you have enough to handle with the death without your mom wanting all your attention. Cmag good to hear from you and do hope you are doing ok.

Emjo, I'll be praying for you.

sharyn, my new meds are doing fine. It is allergy season now and my asthma is acting up. I'm going by the drug store to pick up some albuterole to use with my nebulizer.

I visited my mother two days ago in the nursing home. It normally takes about a day to regain some energy, but this time it has taken two days for some reason that I cannot put my finger on.

Thanks cmag. I went out and shopped today to get my mind off it, and it worked. I found some small jars for canning as I want to send some chutney and/or jams for gifts. This is a new venture for me. I only canned once many years before. Sorry to hear about your allergies - mine seem to be year round, but thankfully I don't get asthma. Also sorry to hear that seeing your mum was more draining this time. It would be good if you could figure out why - it might help you look after yourself and avoid it happening again. I don't see my mother unless I feel up to it. It is too stressful. If something happened to her, I would go regardless, but on a routine basis I go when I feel up to it.

retail therapy!

I used my nebulizer which helped.

Yes, it would be helpful if I could figure out why this visit was more draining. I am clueless.

It sounds so much about the dementia I've read about in many people, Sharyn. I have met quite a few people with Alz lately. Some seem happy and are very pleasant, though I know their caregivers are ever watchful. Come to think of it, everyone I've met lately with Alz has been pleasant. It may be because the ones that are angry and violent are kept at home or in a facility. I've read it can be pretty bad as the disease progresses through the middle stage. I thought my mother might have Alz for a while, but now I think it was just drugs making her so bad. It was very bad, so I know a lot of what you are going through. I didn't know what to do when she became violent and nasty.

APS was a good idea. I do not know how much they can do. I know they investigate abuse, but they do so much more. I had a friend in Columbus, GA, who used to take mentally ill people shopping as part of her job. She would take them one at a time. I know her job was interesting. :)

A lot of people write that people get past the nasty stage of dementia as they progress. I don't know how long that can take. You are an angel to hang in there with your mother. I know many people would have already given up.

Joan~I am so sorry for your friend. It is so tragic to a family when a member takes their own life just as it is tragic to lose a member so young. It is understandable that it would bring up your own feelings about your Gordie and not wanting to deal with your mother when you go to Edmonton for the funeral. I know we are taught not to lie especially to our parents but under the circumstances, I would do the same thing. Retail therapy is good once in a while, I bought a pair of shoes from QVC today! I needed a new pair so it was practical but it also helped me feel a little better about my mother. As horrible as she has been as a mother with the personality disorder and all the abuse growing up, I can't help but feel so much compassion for her with the Alz and knowing that she must be soooo paranoid right now to write a note to my sister (thinking that my sister is watching her every move).

APS told my sister that no one is available to talk with her on the weekend unless it is an emergency so she will have to wait until Monday. My sister may not want to call from work because she has no privacy to make the call without everyone hearing her conversation. I may have to do it on Tuesday when I'm off again.

Jessie~I have read on this site where people has said that their parent progressed past this paranoia stage but with my mother I'm not sure how that will work because she has a paranoid personality disorder too. I hope that is what happens. In the mean time she is targeting my sister big time because my sister does have access to her accounts and my sister's financial situation is very tight and my mother knows that so that is why I think she targets her and not me. Plus my mother always has thought of me as being irresponsible and not being able to handle money. To this day she believes I do not know how to balance a checking account, Lol!! My sister is the one who made a lot of bad decisions during her adult life and I have been very stable through my adult life but you know how it is, parents makes a decision about their children when the child is young and that is what they stick with regarding that child.

APS can intervene when an elderly parent is making bad decisions for themselves, putting themselves in danger, and not able to take care of themselves. In my mother's case, I do not know if she is legally incompetent yet. She is making bad decisions, can't balance her checkbook anymore, and is very paranoid and distrustful of me and my sister. We are trying to avoid losing DPOA when she does become incompetent but we may have to give it over to the state because of her paranoia and distrust. I am guessing that my mother is entering the 4th stage now. She can't organize her thoughts to deal with paperwork anymore but she can still take basic care of herself and the house. I do believe she will get worse with her paranoia before it gets better, if that makes sense. If she would only agree to take an antidepressant to help with the anxiety she has, it would make her life so much more pleasant, but because of the PD, all she wants to do it FIGHT everything that comes up and anyone who gets in her way. In a lot of ways it just comes down to a waiting game of when things progress enough so my sister and I can activate the DPOA when she becomes legally incompetent. We want to follow my parents instructions regarding their Living Will but we can't do that until she becomes incompetent.

I have so much on my mind right now that I could just ramble on and on but it would solve anything right now. Bless you for saying I am a angel for hanging on this long as I do not feel like and angel by having to lie to mother and distance myself from her for my own sanity but I have no choice and it keeps me healthier!
I hope everyone has a great weekend with their family and friends♥. I am off Tuesday-Friday next week have lots to do those 4 days!! Thanks for letting me vent and ramble on!!! Hugs to everyone!

I welcome your new thread. Our dysfunctions would be a great thread also.
Looking forward to reading. I wish great Success on your new adventure.

sharyn, I don't know how your DPOA for your mother is worded, but the way my Durable POA for my mother is worded, it went into effect immediately. How is yours worded?

cmag~It's a springing DPOA meaning it can not be used until my mother is legally incompetent. This is why it is so difficult to help my mother. As long as she is not considered legally incompetent, she can do whatever she wants and we have little support to stop her.

sharyn, I see what you mean. That is a mess.

Random comment.

This thread has now reached 1284 posts since its inception on January 5, 2012. That is an average of slightly more than 140 posts per month. Wow! This is one active thread which is great to see and definitely touching a need.

Cmag this thread is a blessing to so many folks and will be for those to come down this path-you did good my friend!

Update on how I am doing, Doctor refuse to sign papaers for Laguna Honda, the good news he is on Meds and being nice and loving to his family and wants to cook for everyone and being patient no more yelling or demanding so on. Enjoying life no more outburst no more repeating himself saying I am disable, I can't walk so on. No more Negativilty from him its all positive. I am happy kids happy but not used to him being nice now slowly they are getting used to him being loving dad not a mean dad...Have a great day..

Emjo,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend's son. This is quite sad, a young person taking their own life.. My heart goes out to you to, since it is stirring up the loss of your Gordie.

Well, don't feel bad about not going to see your mom during the time you are to be there for the funeral. Lately it seems as if different people on this thread are feeling at odds with measures we feel must be taken, IMO they're coping skills. I think it's ultimately important to remember that if we who are the ones who either because of the role we play in our families, or because we sometimes put pressure upon ourselves still must use whatever it takes to make things less stressful. I know I do certain things whenever I go into the den of cobwebs over at mother's house.

O.K. Emjo, you're in my thoughts! Be safe on your drive there to Edmonton.
Much Love, Love & Light! Margeaux

Isn't it good that we do have other friends and family we do feel close to at least?
I have some friends like this, and I'm so thankful!

Sharynmarie,

Oh!!! I know you have been having quite a time w/your mom!
It's anyone's guess what different people will do once they have ALZ.
Everything you've written about very recently, with the episodes about your mom making accusations, not being able to remember, etc. This situation that you and your sister currently are in reminds me of what my sister was up against w/our aunt last year. We had another ingredient going on in our family. That is that mom is diagnosed w/ALZ. Her sister had congestive heart failure, diabetes, but was never mentally diagnosed. Since their financial asset were intermingled, this made it very convoluted. Since my aunt who already behaved as if she was my mom's parent, and this escalated when mom was diagnosed, we had a real problem on our hands w/our aunt. She had to have had a personality disorder also. But especially last two years of her life, she was exhibiting the same behavior like your mom is doing, especially not trusting the very people who are in her life. Well I remember when you wrote about the neighbor who is balancing her checkbook, so it's good she has someone like this.

My aunt, unfortunately had enlisted in the last few years of her life, a rotten attorney. He ended up improperly filing a reassessment of a property jointly owned by she and our mom. The attorney was supposed to do a transfer of a property into the Living Trust. This of course was done behind my sister's back when my aunt got a wild hair up you know where and while my sister was the POA. But our aunt was supposedly getting it revoked and reassigned to our youngest brother.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing all of this, is that I believe if someone has been super difficult all of their lives, (like our aunt) they're certainly going to up it several notches when they are elderly. These were the key moments during which I had suggested if there was a way for my sister to talk to and elder attorney or Area on the Aging. Certainly, while I think it's wonderful that elders want to remain independent, but for their own good some of them just cannot be in this position.

O.K., Sharynmarie, I know this must be a trying time for you. Hang in there!
My thoughts are with you! Love & Light! Margeaux

Last weekend I wrote about attending a funeral of my sis's boyfriend's mother.
I was just wondering about some mixed signals by my sister's behavior. While we were at the after reception, we were seated at a big table. Her boyfriends co-workers were seated right next to us. At some point, my sister introduced my sister in law, the caregiver, and mom. I was seated directly across from my sister, and she did not introduce me. I felt slighted by her, not to mention embarrassed with the co-workers, because they looked at me, like wondering, "well who is she."
I waited about a minute, then I introduced myself! When this happened, my sister started to apologize, and tried to suave it over saying, "oh this is my sister."

This is not the first time my sister done this to me in public. Usually it's not in my nature to display some kind of distaste for someone else's negligence. But this time I'm afraid, I did kind of say something like, 'yeah sure," under my breath.
I've reached a point somewhat w/regards to my controlling sister, and her behavior with regards to me that I've really grown tired of she behaving this way. Then in a few weeks she's going to call me up to come relieve her to take care of mom, so she can have a get away weekend w/her boyfriend.

Last week after this, it was rather interesting, because I received at least 3 phone calls from my sister all in the nature of keeping me informed of things going on w/our mom,. This was rather unusual, because many times my sister in an effort to control, w/make me feel like I have to kind of pull teeth w/her to get certain info, or inform me of something way after the fact. But you see, how she employs behavior to make me feel as if I'm a second class citizen?

Anyway, I somewhat found her calls last week a bit on the suspicious side, wondered if possibly she even felt kind of guilty that day for not making the introduction, and my reaction towards it. Margeaux