The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Welcome, alexandra! Your life sounds like it has been an interesting one. I know there has been one hardship after another. Anger can be such a bad problem. I have it so much myself. So often I have to walk away from someone and go slam a door or do something else to get rid of it. Sometimes it stays inside like a little badger waiting to bite someone. Usually I end up biting myself all day, because I know it is my own anger that I have to deal with, and not someone else's problem. Could you tell us a little more about The Secret?

Alexandra~tell us more about your situation when you are feeling more comfortable with us. You will get lots of support here!!

Jessie~I know what you mean about just being kind. Life isn't like that in reality. I too protect myself...I guess more than I thought. I try to understand both sides of a situation which ends up making me wishy washy.

alexandrakl, I'm also an only child from a divorced family with a mother who became an alcoholic just like her dad and just like my step-dad that she married after being a single mom for 9 years. My wife and I are both on disability and we have two boys in college. What ages are your children? I trust that your therapy is helping you with your anger and resentment. I've spent several years lately dealing with my anger about what my mother did to me as a child and as a teenager. Finally, at the end I wrote it all down, burned it in a trash can and threw its ashes to the wind. That was a major step, but sometimes the anger returns which tells me it is not all gone yet. My mother is not in as bad a health as yours is with cancer, but if she had her way, I'd be there everyday. However, I live an hour away with my own life to tend to and get up there when I can which has been limited lately by my wife having a injured knee which has put her on crutches for the last 5 weeks.

I changed my avatar to my kitty cat tiger. I like to show him off, Lol!!!

The Secret was written by Rhonda Byrne. It is about the Law of Attraction and how we " attract" people, things and situations in our lives, both positive and negative and how we can fix the negative and move forward. helped me immensely reclaim MY power over my life.
Follows a long tradition.

Margeaux, for niece to put out vibes that your mom’s house is her house is not coming out of her head. She can only get this idea if she hears someone SAYING that it will go to her. I guess, sis figures that she’s in charge of your mom, therefore the house will go to her.

Sharyn, I think you’ve been here on AC long enough that families start out with Good Intentions about Splitting the Cost of caring for parents. Then eventually NO ONE is helping but the One Sibling with a Soft Heart/Conscience/Duty, etc… I would not agree with that splitting of the cost…..As for conservatorship, do you really want it? It’s a very heavy responsibility. I think you and hubby will need to sit down and talk about it – the pros and CONS. If you’re going for it, atleast go into it with Wide Open Eyes AND knowing that it will fall on YOUR shoulders only….I had taken a peek this morning on AC and it had your old avatar. Then when I’m reading while I was eating dinner, I saw your kitty!

Hi Alexandraki. Sorry about the stress you’re going through. I have a temper problem (I guess it could be called anger problem). Still working on it.

Book I also had an anger problem and have learned to let things go but it is hard and it takes a long time to conquer this-it is really one day at a time but remember even Jesus would get angery when it was justified so it is not wrong to get angry when it is really needed.

Book~No I don't want it because I really don't see it helping to actually manage my mother's health situation. She is so combative and nothing will change that. My sister has her rose colored glasses on again and she thinks this is going to give her control over our mother. How are you going to force a person to do something they do not want to do? Then if I don't go along with it and something happens to my mother, is my sister going to blame me? Having the conservatorship is not going to stop my mother from calling my sister and accusing her of stealing from her. Sis already sent an email to me and my brother who lives locally suggesting that we split the expense of getting the conservatorship and I think she thinks she can reimburse the expenses back to us through my mother's accounts...but I don't know if that is legal. She is the one who will be the conservator and her health is not the greatest. I don't think she realizes how much more stress this is going to cause for herself and I am not willing to take it on because I suck at paperwork simply because I hate keeping records and I end up not being consistent. This is why I don't work in an office, Lol!! Book, do you have a conservatorhip with your parents? I don't think my brothers will go for this anyway. My sister is so financially strapped so where is she going to get the money?

sharyn - I think you are wise to be very careful about the conservatorship - everything you have written us true - you still can't make someone do something. I am sorry about your back and leg pain. The inversion table sounds like somethng that might help..Doesn't sound like your bro will be much help. As far as house sizes etc - that sort of thing makes me mad!!!! Mother looks at outward appearances, and what will make her look special, or better than others, even through her chlldren. I don't like it!. Estrogen does affect all our tissues. Doctors tend to think in boxes. I don't think you are being too laid back - some things are just not within our control, and as you say, your sis's health is not that good. Not tired of reading about it. If you don't want to spend the $$$$ then stick with your position. This is not the time in your life to be going into debt. I totally understand and support that. You and your dh are at an age when you need to be putting money aside for yourselves. Love your kitty, BTW.and you don't come across as being wishy washy! I am with you re keeping books - I know how to do it, but hate it, and hope I never have to with mother. It is not something I am good at!

Marg - you did well to introduce yourself - definitely a jab from your sis and who needs it. We all continue to grow and learn. Re the narcissists in my family, I have to keep reminding myself that they don't change, so even if we go through a more pleasant period, I know to epect it to turn for the worst, and need to remind myself of that. and protect myself -be on the look out as you say.

book - what you say about the niece may well be true - she has a sense of ownership - whether it will turn out that way or not is another thing. Glad to see you posting more. You went through a bad time a while back.

HI alexandra - you have a heavy load. What I have read is that anger is a secondary emotion, and often comes from hurt. If you can get in touch with the hurt - and there is lots when brought up by a narcissistic mum - it may help dissipate the anger. Don't let your mum become the center of your life - even though she is seriously ill - though that is what she wants, and works towards using fear, obligation and guilt. (as originally shared by cmag). If you can detach/emotionally distance yourself from her it will help you. (((((((hugs))))) I know it is hard. I contrast when my father was ill and dying with how my mother is. My father wanted to see me, and I travelled aross the country to do that, but he was not demanding, and was considerate of me right till the last. My mother, on the other hand, due to her personality disorder, demands, and complains about everything, and criticizes because things don't go exactly her way, whether she is well or ill, and she is well mostly. Being an only kid is not all negative. My sister is narcissistic too - in some ways worse than my mother, and won't lift a finger to help, so I have two of them to deal with.

jessie - walking away sounds like a good idea. We all have such a lifetime of hurt to deal with. I found it helps my anger to write it out and get validation - even from myself, about how bad it was/is. Counselling has helped me too.

austin - I always appreciate your input. You have learned the hard way, I know.

cmag - you have made great strides along the journey of healing.and that is admirable. I do hope that your wife's health improves.

I have found out that the funeral of my friend's son is Friday and at the same funeral home where we had my son's funeral - kind of a double whammy. I am thinking of leaving early, and driving straight there -about 5 hrs drive, and then I think I can relax more for the rest of the time I will be away. Still hoping to visit with my grandson, while I am there, and may be able to drop in on mother if I do it this way. One step at a time!

Hope everyone is having a decent week. leaves turning yellow here.

Love, hugs, and prayers Joan

Alexandra~Congrats to you for having the drinking behind you. That is a great accomplishment. Thank you for the info on the book "Secret". I hope everything works out with you and your husband. Take a walk if you can when the anger surfaces, something you can do to relieve the anger in a more positive way.

Cmag~I hope your wife gets some relief from the pain. It seems like it is always at night when you want to sleep that the pain is at it's worse.

I called an attorney that my sis and I saw back in February after mother started the kitchen fire. She said that if mother can write notes then she probably is not incompetent. I told her about all the paranoia episodes mom is having and she said that the courts allow people to be nutty without them being incompetent, LOL!! I love this attorney! She said it costs around $435 to file with the court, another $200 for an investigation and this just to get to the first court appearance. Then she charges around $3,000. I figured it would be close to $5,000 to do. She said from what I told her, it does not sound like mom is incompetent and it would be costly to take her to court now and lose. She is going to send me the paperwork for documenting mom's behavior so if we decide later to file we have documentation done. She said my sister is going to have to "tough up" against these accusations. I really like her, is a no nonsense person.

Joan~Your plan sounds good regarding the trip to Edmonton. I am sorry it is bringing up painful feelings for you. I love the pic of your kitty. He is a cutie, I just love cats as you can tell.

I gotta go if I am going to get anything accomplished today. Everyone have a good day!!

I forget to tell everyone a big THANK YOU for all the feedback, I truly appreciate it. ((((HUGS))))!!!

I like your lawyer, too. She let you know things upfront, instead of just taking your money. Sounds like a good one.

Jessie~ I am send you a big (((HUG))), thank you for your feedback!!

{{{{Hug}}}} coming back your way.

Hi everyone, I wasn't ignoring this thread. I tend to compartmentalize my problems. When father stresses me over the poopy stage, I go to the GROSS and Vent. When I want to complain about my siblings, I come here. So far, siblings aren't bothering me because I have stopped bugging them for help. When I have stresses over my caregiving role, I go to the How are YOU thread. ...So, in the end, I rarely comment here.

Sharyn, last year in October, my brother and sil kept pressuring me to get POA over the parents. Right now, nobody has Legal authority over them. I'm not getting this house/land. If I get fed up with caring for them, I can pack up, go tell brother of next door, that he can take over - and since he's watching the parents, he has a stronger case in court for claiming dad's house/land...even though dad said that this house/land will be going to my 2 bros in the mainland. Oldest bro already got his land from next door.

So, my thinking back then is....why am I going to Legally be in charge of the parents. Siblings can then tell me that They are MY responsibility. So, I refuse, and refuse and refuse. Bro and sil finally quit pressuring me when they made the mistake of bringing it up at a RESTAURANT. Look, I have a bad temper. My family knows about it. Everyone leaves me alone when i start getting "that Look." Well, they just pushed me one too many times about the POA. I just blew up, raised my voice and went on and on and on. Bro and sil kept trying to shush me in quiet tones and hand signals. But I was having nothing of that. I just raised it more. We were in a large table and all my siblings and their spouses kept quiet. No one dared to interfere. I mean what part of NO do they NOT understand!......." I left the restaurant, found a quiet place, and just cried.

Sharyn, I will never ever get any legal documents for the parents. I'm not here out of "Love" for them. I'm here out of religious obligation (which I'm really not doing a good job at...) Sigh.... But, it's only me and no one else...so beggars can't be choosers....

I'm glad of your decision. Try not to add more on your shoulders. Your sis will just have to learn her own way - hopefully before it's not too late...

Book~I see what you are saying, very wise on your part. Talked with my sis last night telling her that attorney told me we would have to prove my mother is a danger to herself. Mom did start a fire in the kitchen in January but she acted quickly and put it out. It is only one incident and we would need more proof. It is on hold hopefully for good. I estimate my mother to be entering stage 4 of Alz. She has a way to go yet before she is legally incompetent. I am glad you held your ground with your siblings on not getting POA, as you said, let your brother get it.

After reading many stories of dysfunctional caregiving situations for the 2 years that I've been on this site, I have reached the following conclusion. Caregiving has a way of showing how strong or how weak a marriage really is.

sharyn - that is a good attorney! glad your sis is listening to her. It helps so much to get professional back up
book - I think you are looking after yourself - good - leave the POA to others - you are doing enough -or, actually, too much
cmag I think that is true - it is a major stress and any stress will show up the strengths and weaknesses
jessie - re your post on your mum establishing territory, and sharyn's answer about sundowning., I looked up sundown as I started to wonder if I have it LOL - I have insomina most of the time - since Gordie died, and sleep for about 4-5 hrs then get up and usullly make myaelf a hot drink, empty the dishwasher if it needs it, go back to bed with the laptop and often l fall asleep again thankfully - though not the last couple of nights. Can't say I am any more confused that usual, and I am quiet. and often get something useful done.
Last night Tonnie looked out the window and growled and hissed, and this morning we found bear scat oin the lawn. That is a litte too close for comfort. I sure am glad I am not letting him out at night. I think he would have tackled the bear, and that would not have been a good thing.
The death of my friend's son is bringing back some pain over losing Gordie and I think that is affecting my sleep. I found out the funeral is in the same home we used for Gordie's, and I just can't go - too big a trigger. I have another friend who lost her dad, her mum, her husband and her oldest son in a 4 year period, She still has trouble going to the hospital her husband died in though he died nearly 20 years ago. I talked with her about it, and her immediate reaction was "You can't go" and she is one of the calmest people I know, I am seeing a counsellor Friday afternoon, and think i will try to get out into the sunshine on the weekend with the horses, and celebrate the lives of the young people I know who have gone too soon. Gordie's birthday is coming up so so it will be an early celebration of that. Grief is a strange thing.

This has been my day today...no offense intended:


hey're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

they can take me too sharyn

emjo, it may be a good thing to revisit Gordie's loss, and you may find some peace in your soul. Perhaps this trip is as much for you as it is for your friend. I know it will be hard to be in the same funeral home. Sometimes, though, when we think things will be hardest we find healing.

I am not surprised that you are having some trouble sleeping. I imagine you have a huge spirit of unrest on you. I have a feeling you will be all right. I am glad you are not telling your mother you are coming. It sounds like you need this trip to be about your friend and you. I hope you find something joyful in all the sadness.

Hmm, that sounded a little esoteric. It wasn't intended, but these feelings do go a bit beyond what normal words can say.

Emjo I think you are very wise not to go-it would be just too hard for you and it is a long trip-your friend sounds very comforting. We get bears here in my town on occasion and one of my friends in our neighborhood who has bad eyesight was working in her garden and thought she saw a dog and was about to approch it and realized it was a bear and slowly walked into the house.

I woke up with a sinus infection so not feeling myself today. Mother call me this afternoon "asking" if I had been in her house today. I said No, I don't go in your house if you are not home. She said someone left a note for directions to a business I know nothing about. She said the note is printed and she does not print...not true. I wrote down what she said the note said and I called the number. It is her dentist. They said they called her yesterday telling her she has not been in since Aug. of 2010. Mother was very confused and would not talk with them. They told me she has called 3 times to today asking questions. I am laughing because like a crazy person...Hee Hee, HO HO, HA HA because it is just too funny to take seriously and make myself upset over. Mother then called sister and "accused" her of being in her house. I find it hilarious that mother "asks" me but "accuses" sister. Ok... I am twisted and am having fun with a situation that really isn't funny, but why stress over it...Alzheimer's is what it is!!

Shall we share a double room in the loony bin, sharyn?

thanks jessie, I understand what you are saying, and thought that, but the feelings have hit really hard. Child loss is so much worse than any other. Gary thought the same as you as he has had that sort of experience., and so did I initially, but then the PTSD clicked in. The "manual" for child loss says do what feels right, and don't push yourself into things, ... and it doesn't feel right to me. My friend has lots of support right now and i will visit her later. The support tends to fade away pretty quickly. I know the journey she is on, and that in a couple of months her pain will be indescribably - right now she is numb. You are right, the feelings go beyond what normal words describe.

thanks austin - it is a long trip and to drive it when i am feeling emotional isn't smart. I have been friends with the "comforting" lady for about 45 years - we have been through a lot together. I was with her in the hospital room when her husband died.. I hope we don't have any more bear visits. I have seen them across the street on the trail, but never, to my knowledge on our property. It makes me nervous about walking the trails. Your friend did the right thing.

thinking more about what you wrote jessie, I do have peace over Gordie and about God's timing in his life, but I still have pain, and missing. Believe me I revisit his loss often. Bereaved parents tend to have PTSD from the loss of their child, and I certainly do. It is not as bad as it was, but it still can be triggered, by all kinds of things - and unexpectedly often.

Joan~The more the merrier as long as it is a padded room, Lol!!! We can all be crazy for a weekend and release all the craziness in our lives. I see us wearing helmets to protect our heads and stripped clothing with a big question mark on our chests!! How fun is that...????

I totally agree with you regarding the funeral. When you are ready to be there it will happen for you. There is no time limit on grief so take your time and do what feels best for you. A 5 hour trip is tiring and not only being there for your dear friend (who clearly is understanding), dealing with your own memories and PTSD is going to be very emotional for your and then if you factor in your mother on top of all that...it is a large emotional toll to deal with. Take care of your emotions right now. ((((HUGS)))) to you!!!!

I forgot to mention, my mother locker herself out of her house and the neighbor called the fired department for her. I can tell you now...when she gets the bill from the fire department, she won't remember.

emjo, I had to re-read what you wrote. I missed that you were not going. I understand. {{{{Hugs}}}} Didn't mean to sound like I was pushing. I just had to read more carefully.

I am caring for my 64 year old sister who is in a deep decline and refuses to care for herself properly. She has fallen numerous times this week, gets up or crawls to her bed. Her daughter and I have no legal standing and can't force her to go to a hospital so I am reduced to watching her defiant mean self running everyone's life.