Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
My youngest son has made some choices about his faith and life that I don't like and are contrary to how I raised him. I try to share with him more than what he is being told in the college classroom, but he does not want to listen. All I can do is love him where he is. I'm proud that he is Mr. frugal compared to his older brother who is always short on money although he makes a budget but does not stick to it. I've talked with him about that and how we will get him through college, but after that he is on his own and better handle his money wisely.
I am off for Idaho, leaving in about 1 hour Ca. time. We should get there around 7 am. tomorrow. Have a good week everyone and thank you all again for all the support. Having everyone's input helps me to see that I am not being selfish.
Happy Trails
Sharyn
Eyem, I hope that your session with the therapy works out for you. Sorry the sister is no help. Maybe the therapy person can help you with some resources as well as others on this site for respite care break as they know your situation on here. Keep us posted on how u r doing n I hope u get to feeling well real soon.
Jane25, sorry to hear that u r in middle of your situation trying to take care of two parents. I hope u r able to set some boundaries toward your mom. You mention u feel that, "It is gets to me more now as my world has become smaller and I'm getting older." I hope this is just a phase that you r feeling due to the overwhelming, selfish, bad mouth mom. Do you see a therapist or even get a break from taking care of the parents? You know your own health is important n your own life. If possible, set those boundaries to help keep your sanity. Come back here to vent some too n you r in my prayers.
Emjo, sorry your mom is saying nasty things to you for that would hurt anybody feelings. Sometimes, you cannot just laugh it off for it does hit the nerve of the heart when u r the one going out of your way, giving up your time n part of your life to take care of your mom. I say cry n let it out n vent some to on here! I wish I could give you a big hug. However, all l can do is tell you that I am sorry for your pain n will say a prayer to give you strength.
Eyem, Jane, Emjo; I am sending you all one "HUGE Cyber HUG" at once.
Jessie, I think a lot of drugs were being used back in those days due to a number of things going on in that time period when the song came out. It is neat how everyone has different ideas of the song.
Sharion, its hard when it comes to our children no matter if they r grown or not. You can only do so much n then you have to let him make his own decision n thats if he is willing to help himself. I lost my own mom at a very young age due to alcohol addiction n mental issues. I would stay up night with her being drunk on weekend n then she would turn very nasty n want to fight-holler n cuss you out then cry n go into the sucidal mode n she almost succeeded 3 times. Us children begged for her to quit drinking. She would for awhile n then go back to her ole ways. She passed away due to a heart-attack n I am pretty sure alcohol related was involved. As you have read on here that not everyone stayed on their addiction n they seeked helped for themselves. I hope your son is able to see the light n get himself some help. Like Cat mention, at least they don't have children, for it was very hard on us as we watched r mom. You r in my prayers.
I just found i am going to be aunt 2x over my sister is due with her 5th baby in Jan and my other friend who married childmo is having his baby. I look back on this think and who is in their right mind. I no longer hate my sister just refuse to talk to her and last time I said something to my parents my mother got upset that I treated my sister coldly but I haven't talk to my siblings in forever. On the other hand my husband's family still ignores him and expects him to text which is impossible because he can't hardly do it with both hands. I have to terminate my contract with my cell phone go with prepay easier that way but its gonna hurt cuz i have to buy 2 prepay phones one for hubby and one for myself. I havent pick up much of a drink in the last few days but there are days I needed but I am not consistent like either of my fathers so I think I am doing pretty good on the other hand hubby is starting to believe in phishing emails and thought he won a laptop today and I had to keep telling him its a scam do not do it....I wonder if its a mental sign of something but other than that holding on to everyday like its a miracle.
notlikemom- I know about the cooking issue. mom cooked the best food and didnt make a mess. she was quick and I admired that. Now that I am here, she has annoyed me to no end. many of you all may have read some of my stuff. I can relate to the manipulation etc. I do not have answers as I am still swimming upstream. Any advice or suggestions completely welcome.
I think maybe it would be good to let them make large lunches and you not feel quilty about that. hugs to you both
We arrived in the Boise area around 9am Monday morning. My daughter and I hit the stores by 10:30am and shopped until around 3:30pm. I can't sleep in the car so I had been awake since 8am Sunday. I did catch a couple hours after my daughter and I came home in the afternoon. Everything I bought I can justify except for the pair of Toms, Lol!! My daughter cooked dinner every night except tonight...she and her husband are having dinner with SIL's father who flew in from North Dakota for dental work. The more I come here, the more I want to live here. We leave tomorrow morning for home :(. Every time I spend time with my kids and we have to part, it is like the first time all over again. Mike and I went into Boise and walked along the greenbelt river trails that follow the Boise River. We got some pics of Autumn foliage and had a quite day together. Over all we had great quality time or should I say...Girls,
They want,
Wanna have fun.
Girls,
Wanna have.
They just wanna,
They just wanna.....
They just wanna,
(Oh....)
They just wanna.....
(Girls just wanna have fun...)
Oh...
Girls just wanna have fu-un... enough said. Catch up with everyone this next week!!!
Joan~I know about the past hurts from family dynamics makes it difficult to move forward or to put things in the past especially when you have new hurts piling on top. I hope you can reach some decisions soon for your peace of mind. I have not experienced the loss of a child as you have with Gordie, but I do know that it has to be very painful. I just can't imagine the loss and I wish I had something more to offer you to help you with that pain. Do know that I am thinking about you and wish you the most positive, heartfelt thoughts that I can. Thanksgiving is a great time to honor your son and I wish you and your loved ones a Happy Thanksgiving!!
It's difficult whenever holidays and birthdays come up and we have a loved one who is no longer with us. I remember when it was the first years after having lost dad, this would happen. It still is hard, when St. Patrick's Day comes, which is his birthday. You know what helps me, is I burn some sage. I don't know whether you like sage, but it seems to evaporate some of those sad feelings for me, clear the air. You can even do this with your favorite cent, doesn't have to be sage, any
incense or candle of your choice, and cherish Gordie's memory.
Your in my thoughts Emjo, and I send you big hugs, know that you are not alone,
we are all with you! Plenty of Love & Light! Margeaux
How great that you could have some fun with your daughter!
So was it good shopping out in Idaho?
When mom started to fall, is when we actually found out she'd been taking meds for ALZ, since mom and the narcissistic sister of hers were trying to keep it under wraps. I know my aunt, & even mother were really trying to control their independence via this behavior. When a more serious fall occurred with mom, she was admitted to the hospital. After a check-up, they found she needed a heart pacer, since her heart apparently was not functioning properly. This could have been why she was loosing her balance, and falling, since it happened more than once. After this stay in the hospital, it was determined that the POA, who was my irresponsible brother at the time, by law had to take charge of them. They could no longer live alone.
Well, it could be that your mom's ALZ is progressing, and be that turning point you'd written about in previous posts. But dizziness could also be a contributing factor to a fall.
Anyway, I'm so happy for you that you and your husband had the vacation with your daughter and son-in-law. You more than deserve it!
Much Love, Margeaux
and when we all try to give her a hug, she turns into a "Iceberg". Dysfunctional, I don't know? Elderly care takes a toil on everyone, each family member experiences their own personal pains, struggles and wanting answers to questions that are too hard to ask!
Then when I arrived there, mom was having a very sleepy day. She was sleeping on the couch, and when I noticed her waking up, I immediately went over to hug and kiss her. She responded, and went back to sleep. So I've accepted this as normal, nowadays. I did stay for about 5 hrs., finally she woke up when I was getting ready to leave. But oh well, at least she saw me.
On that visit though, it was a very hot day. Mom was curled up under a blanket, and when I did say hello to her, I noticed she had cold body language. I went over to check the thermostat, and it was at 76. I turned it down to 70. I did tell the caregiver, that the thermostat needs to be at 70, as it is hot, but no elder, nor baby (niece's baby) being cared for by the caregiver, and my other niece (baby's aunt) should be exposed to those unnatural temperatures.
But I'm not really sure who is the person who cranks up the AC, since the caregiver and my niece are there. My niece (she's the problem one) I've written about who lives there was downstairs the whole time, as upstairs doesn't have AC. She tended to the baby. But while he was sleeping, she was stretched out on the couch lying down like a princess watching tv. I did ask her whether she'd resumed her college courses, to which she replied, "No." My sister, and she said that day that niece is helping her sister by baby sitting my sister's first grandchild.
Well, maybe this is none of my business, but given this niece's behavior in the past of being a lazy moocher, and seems to use her pursuit of college edu., just to keep my sister on the financial chain towards her. She's 22 yrs. old.
So I stayed out of the living room the whole time, in the kitchen reading and looking over some papers. Anyway, this is one of the unpleasant aspects of going over there to visit mother. But I'm glad that I went. Margeaux
sharyn - glad your mum is better - hope it is nothing more than the vertigo she has had before
burned -glad you are cutting back -that can only be good for you and everyone - hope you can keep it up
book - look after yourself -dizziness is no good
lillyvalley -sounds pretty tough - what you describe of your mum - "arrogant, self serving, opinionated as they are. But my mother is also selfish and hateful" I can identify. Makes life difficult
the prodigalson - tough situation, were you the faimly scapegoat? Seems they often turn out to be the caregive too. Congratulations on 7 years sober.I think they often don't remember outbursts, but we are left to deal with the hurts.
cmag -have you solved the phone problem?
Hope everyone is having a good weekend
Emjo-jone, Holidays can be hard when u have loss someone dear n close n especially your own child. I too could not even put my place in your shoes of all the emotions that has to be running through your mind. I hope you r able to find this holiday as peaceful as possible n like Sharynmarie mention that, "Thanksgiving is a great time to honor your son." Your son is in a much better place n he would only want you to enjoy life n the holidays.
Margeaux, you have such a big heart.
Lilyvalley, elderly care does take a toil on us. I wander sometimes if its the family members that have no clue of caregiving if they struggle to ask questions or struggle to whether to hear the answers? I guess that is why we r the caregivers for we understand n have learned from past caregiving experience. Take a bow n don't let the relatives bother you for they have no clue.
My mother is 90 and looks like my sister's younger sister. My sibs were caring but they are sick of the mess our sister has made of herself. I live in fear that my sister will die and send my mother downhill, so I try to make the best of everything. But it is wearing me out and I do deeply resent being responsible for someone so selfish and manipulating.
Margeaux – Sorry about your mom’s short term memory going. What makes it worse is the niece adding to the problem instead of helping relieve it.
Prodigalson – It’s hard when the parent refuses outside help. The same applies with my father. He doesn’t want the caregiver I have to come in on Saturdays. I told her in the beginning that I am the one hiring her – not my father. He keeps telling me to tell her to stop coming. She still comes because who is there to watch the parents? I did warn her about my father’s “quirks.”
Emjo – I don’t know what to say about what you’re going thru with Gordie. Just know that since you’ve mentioned it, I have been thinking of you.
Hi Reganee –not knowing what’s going on with your sister, but can she qualify for some kind of program that she can go to? And this way, it will relieve you and your mother temporarily from her influence? Please continue to drop by and vent if you need to.
Lily~I am sorry you have such a disconnected family. I don't know why families disconnect like that. I have a brother who won't have anything to do with us. We were abused as children and I know this is why, but my brother also is holding grudges against saying we didn't keep in touch with him when he moved out of state. We all did try to stay in touch but we never heard from him. His wife sent us updates on their life but never heard anything from my brother. None of us really knew his wife and I guess it was wrong of us, but we wanted to hear from him not her. My mother is also not one to let you hug her. When my father had Alzheimer's I would try to hug my mother when she was stressed or hurting and she would push me away. I don't try to hug her anymore except when she is sick, that is the only time she will accept it.
Well, my son and daughter-in-law can't get a loan anywhere for a car. This time it seems no one is available to help them out so I am hoping they learn to get their finances in order now. Time will tell.