Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Today I came in and said I thought it was time to buy a new car. My mother said right away that they could not help me with buying one. I didn't ask them and don't need any help there, but it did stir up some feelings. My parents never gave me anything. They paid for my brothers' college, but I paid for my own. They saved money for their grandkids' college. They gave thousands and thousands of dollars to my oldest brother. They invested so much in the sons, but I was left to fend for myself when it comes to finances.
My first thought was to tell her what a rude remark it was to make to someone who has given them over two years of her life with no thought of pay. My second thought was that it didn't matter. My mother is stuck in that old mindset that boys matter and girls are only good for breeding and cleaning. I'm not going to change her now.
If she's lucky I'll let her ride in my new car. That I was bothered by it and put it behind me so fast made me proud. I realized that it didn't matter and I certainly was not going to put any emotional energy into it.
I am older than you are, and I do appreciate what you say about stress and self preservation. Things used to bother me for days too. In the past few years it was affecting my health to the point that I knew I had to make changes. Even now, I am struggling with some health issues that must be, at least in part, rooted in a lifetime of stress. Thankfully they aren't life threatening. This past summer I made the decision to finally detach. I had distanced (given myself space) before but not detached. I think it is self preservation. I had some anger and lots of hurt to do with my mother and my sister. It is amazing how it can be like water off a duck's back, once you get into the "right" frame of mind,
Hugs to both of you and gave a good day
Joan
I've also started thinking about life after caregiving. I saw a house that you could see from the front to the back through the big windows. It was so light and airy and clean. I thought about my own new place with very little furniture, a lot of floor, and a lot of light in a senior community where someone else does all the maintenance. :)
You'll have to schedule another cook day that you'll enjoy. And maybe she'll stay off the phone. I would be tempted to incapacitate the line. :-E
I am going to type them out in a word doc!
I agree jessie - Izabella you got hoovered in again. there are ways around it. Better stop here before I lose this one too,.
I hope folks are not getting discouraged with their early attempts to detach with love, for it takes practice for those 'no muscles' to gain strength, but still getting hoovered back into their drama can happen to anyone.
hoping to catch up this afternoon
Izabella -all is not lost - you can get some time for you and you need to - just ask some of those of us who are suffering from not doing that and look at your own health needs - no good to be consumed with your mum - care for her yes, but not be swallowed alive - you do matter and you can have some times of peace - think we can do better than a crawl spoace with spider webs
jessie - a ruby red car!!! woo hoo - I'll tell you about my fantasy car later - love your vision of open spaces - do you live in the west?
austin -gettng away from it for a bit is great - just to figure out how Izabella can do it
cmag - hope things are good with you
notlike - how are things with mum - still quiet? waiting for the other shoe to drop?
burned - hang in there - you have such a load
hugs to all ttyl
jo
((((((burned)))) -some only know how to take - it seems like they think the world, or at least their family owe them - hope your wedding dress comes soon. I know that "superior, nose in the air attitude well"
izabella - how are u doing? - I am still a but under the weather, but will post more soon. - please so some thing for you - if you go out to check mum's house do it quickly and while you are out have coffee with a friend or just walk a mall and window shop or whatever is good for you
austin -how r u?
jessie - r u really going to get a red car? hope the detachment is working still
cmag - hope things are good with you and your family
I heading to bed now and hope to have more energy tomorrow
hugs to all and anyone I forgot - think I lost a few marbles today ;)
jo
sorry about your dysfunctional family background. I am always amazed how we survive our childhoods. I have found I need to keep boundaries regarding the abusive people - and also detach/distance myself or it is too stressful
(((((hugs)))))) and good luck