The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Happy Thanksgiving all - though I know it is only in Canada today. I took the risk last night and emailed the cousin I talked about in the past few months. I kept it as short and to the point as I could, and we will see what his response is. I had hoped to get out of town in the next few days, but rain and snow flurries are forecast for the days I had planned to drive, the days which fit in with the plans of the people I was going to visit. I have cataracts developing and passed my "old age" drivers test this summer, but I know my vision is not as good as it was, and don't want to drive long distances when I know the visibility will not be not good, I hope I can have surgery on my worst eye next year, as the eye doc suggested - that or the years after. I hope sooner rather than later. I decided once i reached 75 I would be more careful about the conditions I drive in.
Emotional distancing is an such important tool when dealing with difficult family members. It is not easy to accomplsh, but really becessary for our survival sometimes. I am having to do this with my daughter now. She has been in depression, as far as i can see, or has something like mother has, and switched from being friendly and supportive in the summer to being sullen and non communicative since then. I am concerned from my grandchildren, and don't feel welcome to drop by any more, but I think i will anyway - just need to be sure that the children are home, and maybe better when her husband is too. He doesn't seem to notice these things. I asked her what the problem was, and she said I was negative all the time. I really don't think I am, and I have made efforts especially not to be when I talk with her, but when she asks how I am and I answer - not great - which is true some days, I guess I am being negative. I would rather she didn't ask. I called her to tell her when mother was in hospital, and apparently that is being negative. She is the only grandchild of mothers who has any regular contact with her, so in the past I have let her know when mother is in hospital. She has no girlfriends - one that she had for 10 years she got upset with in the spring, and that was the end of that. The friend said something she didn't like. She started making another friend in the summer, and then dropped her and said she was too negative. She is well educated but cannot hold down a job. She leaves jobs, because she can't cope with the people. Prayers would be appreciated. I think she needs to go on antidepressants, but she won't. She was on them before and did so much better, but won't take them now. Like mother - any problem is someone else's fault. Friday, we took a couple of box spring and mattress sets that were is the house, and not needed over for the grandchildren, and got not a hello, a thank you or a good bye. I told her we would have appreciated a thank you. It was after that, when I asked her what the problem was, she said I was too negative.

Joan~I hope your Thanksgiving Day with family and friends was a good one!! I had a stressful day and it being my first day back at work. I am not going to retell it as you can read it on the YOU thread. Long story short is my mom left her house this morning walking on her own. Caused me considerable panic and stress. I did catch up with her and the rest everyone can read on the YOU thread. Tonight mom told me she was running a fever...I said well no wonder!! You haven't been feeling well and you took off walking all over the place today!!! I am taking her to the dr. in the morning. Joan, I don't know what is going on with your daughter, but I do not see how you are negative. You have been one of the most uplifting people I have met on this site. I am sorry she has put this off on you when it sounds like it is her own issues and inability to really understand what you are going through. I can say that from my own experiences, children can have a hard time relating to the difficulties we are going through with their grandparents. In your daughters case, it sounds like she has her own issues, whether she has a PD or not I don't know, only you would have a good knowledge of her history. Sometimes when I try to talk about my mother with my daughter, she doesn't respond well back. In my daughter's case, I think it is because she doesn't know what to say. I hope your daughter considers going back on the antidepressants. I know how hard this must be for you, someone you could confide in before but now is preoccupied with her own issues. I don't think that you being too negative is the issue here. It sounds like she needs stimulation to bring about good feelings which all relates to depression. (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) to you and i am so sorry you have this added to everything else you are dealing with right now!♥♥

(((((((sharyn))))))) so glad your mum is safe. What a wonderful lady the 92 yr old is. Amazing! It does seem like it is time for your mum to get more care by moving into a facility. I know this won't be easy. You have my prayers. The conditions of the POA make caring for her very difficult.
thanks for your comments about me and my daughter. She does tend to be very self centered.She came down when Gordie was in hospital but did not stay for the funeral.That upset one of her brothers very much. I have rarely seen him mad. My thanksgiving,, as other holidays, is spent alone. I used to get invitations from my daughter to join them but that has dropped off. My son and dil here had their own plans. They have been very good at taking us out for a meal once in a while, and we reciprocate.. My food allergies (wheat and dairy) can make joining others at meals a problem -church pot lucks etc.My daughter used to avoid both of those, and made very good substitutions. I have good memories of those times..This is a strange city for friends. The average stay for a family was 5 years. It seemed like you just made a friend, then they moved. I finally stopped trying. Work friends on the whole are just that, though I do keep up with a few.. It is a city of young people - very few my age, and the ones I have met I don't have much in common with. Divorce many years ago, and then losing Gordie, both took a toll on aquaintances. They say after losing a child, your address book changes, and it is true. Gary is away every weekend with work, or the horses, and, for the most part, I don't mind. We are working on finding time for "us" in his busy schedule. I made myself a turkey dinner with a turkey breast etc, got dressed up, and had a nice meal anyway. I will cook a turkey for him later in the week. Gordie loved a turkey dinner, so I do it for him too, if that makes any sense. I will put flowers on his bench for his birthday. You don't stop wanting to do things for them.
Mother has been emailing, and I haven't answered. She just wants social contact at this point, but I am sure the demands will follow.They always do.
And so life goes on.
margeaux - How is your mum? You mentioned she may be declining a bit, if I remember right.
austin - where are you????? haven't seem you post for a while. I miss you!
regan - I wish you could get some help looking after your sis particularly. It sounds almost like she needs to be in a facility. What a dreadful shame that she is doing this to herself. It must be very hard to watch.
book -you are one tough lady! I saw somewhere that your sis in moving in with you. I hope that she will be helpful and give you some breaks. You sure don't need another person to look after. Sorry your dad is so difficult
cmag -hope your wife's leg is healing and you have sorted out the phone problem
burned -hang in there - you have a big load. It would be great if you could move to a larger place and start a "new" life.
don't mean to leave anyone out - you all are precious
hope the week ahead does not bring too many new challenges
Love, hugs and prayers for all Joan

Hi all - just came on here quick as have been distraught as of late due to this legal mess Mom and sis have waged me into.........I even (my sheer accident) got a letter from a neighbor (just a hi and bye neighbor) that she saw my sister enter my home on June 4 and remain in the home for close to an hour........which means my initial suspicions were correct with the missing house key and all and even so with my bipolar and ptsd, am stressed to the hilt - have to appear in court this friday for pre trial .........they say it is for a continuance but I don't know............not feeling very well and takes every ounce of strength to get through each day..........still no hearing aides for Dad - that is two months now........nurses claim mom took them.........so what is it her goal to punish him for when he was drinking that she will not even allow him to hear tv?? My God, the man can move no part of his body.........this is killing me,,,,,,,,,,,,don't know if I can get some sort of advocate involved...........she does have dpoa but she also has a sign on wall saying to put in Dad's dentures (which is dumb as it is harboring bacteria - eats only pureed foods) and his hearing aides..........any ideas anyone??

no ideas but here is a ((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))). I am so sorry that your dad just lies there. Prayers for today in court to go in your favour, and for you to feel strong and at peace. Let us know what happens. Can you consider the hearing aides lost so insurance would cover them? I know they are very expensive to replace. Would one of the cheaper versions help -ear phones connected to the tv etc.

U5~I hope all goes well for you Friday. I know how heartbreaking it is to see your father the way he is and my heart goes out to you. My experience with NH's is that they generally do not take care of dental hygiene as part of their caregiving. The idea of earphones connected to the tv is good. You should look online for earphones that are specifically for the hearing impaired. I will be thinking of you come Friday and let us know how it goes.

Joan~It makes perfect sense to me to cook a turkey dinner that your son would love!! I do little things for my father who has been gone 9 years now. I know this may sound untraditional, but I visit him on St. Patricks day instead of the anniversary of his death because he came here from N. Ireland. I buy the plants in the grocery stores that they sell as shamrocks, but really aren't shamrocks and I take them too him. I will make an Irish meal from time to time one I know that he had as a child growing up. As you probably know, people in the British Isles have such lovely rose gardens. My father loved his roses. I plant a rose in his honor, take a potted mini rose to him.
I think the trauma of losing her license has progressed the Alzheimer's with my mother. She needs daily attention now and because of her personality, wanting everything now...it is making it stressful. A lady my mother worked with called her this morning to remind her that several of the ladies that worked together are meeting for lunch tomorrow. My mother told her about falling but in my mother's mind, she fell yesterday. This woman rushes over to my mother's house and takes her to the dr. That was fine, no big deal for me. When I called my mother this morning to check on her, she wasn't home. I am thinking, oh no not again!! I knew she had an appt. at 9:30 which I was taking her to so I called the dr. and sure enough she was there and they told me a lady named Nancy brought her in. Off I go to the dr. no shower, hair barely presentably and no make up on.Mom has a sore on her toe which I don't know if it is from her falling Friday or not but I had the dr. look at it. He said it is infected and the antibiotic he prescribed will cover a UTI if she has one. He told me not to consider her having a fever unless it is 100.4. He told me monitor her taking the medicine because she had brought some medication to him a while back that was expired. I have the antibiotic with me and will go over twice a day to give it to her. I made her some beef stew and chicken with pasta on Sunday and froze it in freezer zip locks. I wrote Sundays date and what is each bag so all she has to do is thaw it out and warm in the microwave. After we left the dr. I took mom with me to Galt to bring my sister down to Manteca so she can take our mom's car home with her. I didn't want to leave my mom at home in case she decided to take off again. My sister tries so hard to help mom, but she tends to like mom in the sense that what she wants mom to do is right...they got in a big argument at mom's house over mom taking medication. Mom started yelling at Kathy, slamming cupboards shut and she stormed out of the kitchen. I told my sister, YOU need to back off!!! If she doesn't want to take the cholesterol medication she doesn't have to. The dr. told me it was no big deal at this point if she doesn't take it. I feel bad for my sister because she tries to be logical using common sense, but mom isn't going to respond to that. I was teasing my mom today, telling her she was like a wayward teenager walking all over the city and I am having trouble keeping up with you....she giggled!! I have my days cut out for me now. I exchanged phone #'s with the lady my mom worked with so if something comes up where my mom calls her for help, she will let me know. Yes, mom is needing more care now and hopefully we can get something worked out so she will wait for me to take her where she needs to go and possibly get her to agree to long term care. Joan, I also have lost friends because of them moving. People are much more mobile today and staying put for 5 years is the average today. I really have no friends (no people I would consider a true friend but more of an acquaintance). Since I am an introvert, I have found I am happier now that I accept myself than when I was trying to be super social. I enjoy people but I need a lot of down time too. You sound to me like an extrovert and many people have told me that because of a divorce or the loss of a loved one, they have lost friends. It is sad that people do that because we all need each other!! (((((((Hugs))))))) for you and for U5!!!

Emjo,

This behavior that your daughter exhibits is terrible.
It's the very same business my niece has done to me on more than one ocassion,
not saying hello nor goodbye when I go to mother's place. Needless to say when they do this to us we are left wondering, what the heck did I do? In my case at least I've analyzed it as my niece is one angry self centered person.

Someone who really cares about you say like a friend, if you'd be sharing truly how you feel, like, "not great," would probably inquire further and sympathize with you since your mom is high maintenance. Please try not to allow anyone, even if she's your daughter to take you down the path of self doubt or wondering whether you're negative. I guess by saying this, it's their way of dispelling your feelings about what you are experiencing. Shame on her!

I realize that your intentions are to help out and see you grandchildren.
But you should try to really take care of yourself right now, you have a lot to deal with already. Maybe placing some distance here would benefit you.
Take care of you. Big Hugs! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hello everyone. I am sending out a message for Emjo.
Emjo- I just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you today. I know that it is your gordie's birthday today and that it is also the 10th one he has spent with our Lord. You are a very sweet, caring and special lady, Emjo!!! And i just wanted to let you know that my heart is heavy for you today as i know this is very difficult for you. I know that we do not talk often, but you are still special to me just the same. So here's hoping that you have nothing but good remembrances of your Gordie today and that somehow they will bring you some peace. I hope this message finds you well. I am sure that he was a special young man because he sure has a special mom. Love you bunches sweet lady!!! Many ((((((hugs))))) to you. Love, Stormy.

sharyn - I totally understand that you visit you dad on St. Patrick's Day, cook irish meals and so on. To me it honours their memory, You mentioned he loved roses before. So do I, and have planted some in memory of Gordie and others. You ARE having a time of it with your mother.So glad your mum's ex coworker is helpful. Actually I am an introvert too and need lots of down time.. They would not say it where I worked as you have to be "out front" with the students, but that is a "persona" you put on for the job.
marg thank you for your insights. Yes, she is like your niece and self centered. I don't call unless there is something specific to talk about - like "Would you like these beds for the kids?" I have a couple of books I have to return to her, but they can wait. Em, my granddaughter goes on messenger to video chat with me so I can keep contact that way with her. A while ago I asked dd what cookware she had, as I was thinking about buying a new set and she invited me to come over and see the ones she has. I did and thought the visit went well - go figure. So the messages are mixed. I am glad we spoke about it, as it was like the elephant in the room. She is angry, at me, no doubt, probably from childhood, but she has to deal with it. Strange as she is the child I have helped the most, but perhaps asked the most of too. She is 47 now and is perimenopausal, and I expect that isn't helping. Life goes on, and I will have a good one regardless.
stormyyyyyyy - thank you so much for coming over here, and letting me know that you are thinking of me, It is a difficult today, and yet, stormy, as I was waiting for midnight last night before posting Happy Birthday to Gordie on facebook, I could truthfully say that I am glad he is safe in heaven, and doesn't have to face the troubles of the world. I am not glad I haven't seen him in 10 years, and I miss him daily, but I am glad he is where he is, and I know I will see him again. He was special - a very warm and generous guy.I am very touched by your post here. Come back any time. I see you are still doing the same things with your dad, and I know it is hard, and especially with taking time away from your precious son. Love to you too,
Book thanks for the hug -I''ll get back to you. My granddaughter (9 yrs old) is old enough to go on messenger, my grandson (7 yrs old) does not.. Neither have their own email addresses. I will still go over and visit once in a while - when her husband is there, and I will confine my interactions to the grandkids. Seems to be the wisest thing to do, and I will still invite them all for a meal, and to get their presents.around Christmas.
Love, hugs and prayers Joan

One hurdle has been jumped...mom authorized Verizon to disconnect her service which they did yesterday at 5pm. I called billing directly this morning explained the situation. Since her account is closed they have to make a new account and luckily her old number was still available so I put the account my name and the bill will be sent to my sister since she can sign on mom's accounts. No more headaches with Verizon and my mom. Now we (sis and I) are going to get her finances away from today which is going to be a battle but we have to do it. This is not the first time I have had to deal with Verizon because of changes my mother would authorize. I don't know if we may have to change all my mother's bills into our names or how we will go about this so that everything is sent to my sister. I am hoping we can just change addresses. I got over to mom's eariler and gave her the antibiotic. Now I am going to try to get a nap (already) I have been up since 3am and its going to a stressful day with mom once my sister gets here.

Joan~I am glad you will get to see the grandkids through visits and having them over for dinner. It's too bad your daughter is going through this and hopefully she can get to a place where she can put it all in the past. It's funny how we can raise children the same and one will have lots of anger as an adult. Enjoy your day honoring your son. Spend some quiet time with him on the bench.♥♥♥!!

Lildeb,

Thank you. I know from what I've read about your story you more than have a big heart. You are one strong woman taking care of mnl. Given what you've shared about your background, I can see why also.

How is your mnl doing these days?
Thank you also for all of the great advice you give to us.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

How are you?? I went over to the "You," thread, and read what has been happening with your mother. Yes, as you have said, "things are happening fast."
I remember when mother had that fall that I wrote about that sent her to the hospital, then the pacer placement, etc. At the same time, her sister was in another hospital for a bad infection on her foot; diabetes.

Well, take some deep breadths. This story also what you had to go through with Verizon! I was w/o my cell phone, also Verizon about 3 mos. On the one hand, I did like that, we did function before the cell phone era. But then again, and I definitely know as in someone as your mom's case, well the phone is an absolute necessary. I just received my phone yesterday, so I had to go through setting it up w/my husband, (who is very impatient), so was not a fun experience at all for me, but thats another story.

Anyway, I send big hugs your way, and I'm thinking of you & yours.
Much Love, Peace & Harmony! Margeaux

Emjo,

It's funny, I've been catching up reading some posts, was getting ready to ask whether Canadians celebrate by eating turkey for their Thanksgiving, and then you'd posted. Well, Happy Thanksgiving first of all!

Oh, I do know about what you've written when you've lost acquaintances, and the address book changes, after you've lost a loved one. But I think it's important and good that you do have your own particular rituals as to how you remember Gordie. That is absolutely beautiful! I do some of this too.
We can remember our loved ones in these ways, and one of the most therapeutic ways is through their favorite foods. In my culture we celebrate The Day of the Dead, Mexican culture. It's all about basically putting out the loved one's pictures, and any commemorative memorabilia about their lives to honor them. Then, well the food part is probably thee most important. It is customary to cook the loved ones favorite foods so as to invite their spirit back, to remind them we have not forgotten them. This holiday is coming up, is actually November 1st, coinciding with All Saints Day. I've recently tried cooking fresh cactus, which my father grew in his beautiful garden prepared and we ate. So I became brave about a week ago, and did this from scratch, as there is some preparation involved to make this dish.
I do like to cook. You're post BTW, Emjo inspired me when you wrote about chutney, which I've a recipe yet to try, and the canning. I've always wanted to try my hand at canning.

My mother is doing well Emjo. She is in a decline with her memory. My sister tells me she thinks that mom has possibly really lost her short term memory.
Aside from this, my sister, and brothers recently took her to an afternoon dance.
Mom used to be quite the dancer w/dad. Even though you know I've written about how she uses a walker, really doesn't do regular exercise. But apparently,
like we say here in the US, "She was in her element," at this dance. My brothers danced with her, of course very slowly. My sister says she had a smile from ear to ear. They did have a live band. Mom was apparently getting lots of attention.
So by the end of the dance, she was waving at people as she danced by their tables. I couldn't attend this function, but there's one coming up in Dec.
I would like to attend, and get it on film.


Anyway Emjo, thank you for asking about mom.
Have a wonderful turkey dinner, or whatever it is you are cooking with Gary.
Much Love, you and your's are in my thoughts! Margeaux

Margeaux~I am sorry to hear about your mom's memory. Seeing your mother dance and I picture it in my mind, I see your dancing and waving like she is the queen of the ball!! What a wonderful sight that must have been and how happy she was during that moment in time. I hope you are able to go in Dec. and video her or just get some pictures.

We tried to get mom's checkbook from her but she blew up at us, won't cooperate as usual. We do have an upcoming appt. with her elder law attorney and we are going to present him with a list of what is going on with mom in hopes he may help mom to willing give over control of her finances or even if he can get her to agree to let the bank pay her bills would make things less stressful. I knew she would put up a fight but something has to be done now rather than later.

I love the idea of The Day of the Dead. I worked with a lady some years ago who told me about that. When I was going to church regularly, we also celebrated All Saints Day November 1st. My visiting my dad on St. Patrick's Day, which in Ireland is a national holiday and a religious holiday too, gives me comfort in honoring his memory. Most people here associate St. Patrick's Day with drinking and tieing on one. Margeaux, I send you love and hugs hoping your mother is well!!

Sharynmare,

How's your mom doing after this infection on her toe, and the UTI?
Your mom has certainly had you live another lifetime in a matter of a few days, hasn't she! Does this lady she worked with live very far from your mother's place?
How kind/sweet of her to take her to the dr's. that day.

I sure hope you can with the help of the Elder Law attorney start to put the necessary things in place, such as her bank because it really looks as if it's time

Your observation is right on about Kathy. One would imagine that no matter how difficult your mom is, whether this be attributed to a personality disorder, emotional immaturity or whatever, the point is that we want them to eventually HOPEFULLY cooperate for their benefit. I hope for your sake, Kathy starts to see the light.

Where did your mom walk to, with her toe in that condition? Your attitude and what you told her is great! Humor!

Yes, the Day of the Dead is interesting. Incidentally, St. Patrick's Day was my dad's birthday! So I still have to try making some corned beef and cabbage.
I have a very good Irish girlfriend, so I'm going to ask her for a recipe! Irish culture is very interesting. I saw something about Belfast last week, it's absolutely beautiful!

Oh, silk flowers. O.K. Sharynmarie, you're definitely in my thoughts!!
Sending tranquil vibes your way!
Much Love & Light to you & yours, Margeaux

Mom is in better spirits today. Margeaux, she walked just 2 blocks away, not far it's a small city so the blocks in residential areas are short. It's just a little sore at the bottom of her toe and I don't think it hurts her, she wears flat sandles with socks. Her phone will be reconnected any time between now and midnight. Comcast came right at 8:30 this morning setting up the tv with cable...no more direct tv which was part of her Verizon phone bundle. Only thing is, because mom cancelled before the 2 years was up, she will be penalized. I can deal with my mother and the Alzheimer's, I struggle with her with when she becomes defiant or refuses to cooperate. My sister was irritating me again today. Sis has a controlling nature to her personality and she values people with higher education so she has modeled a personality of someone who is intellectual but she herself isn't. When she is around our mother, she takes on this personality trait that can be very irritating. She talks down to our mother and mom picks this up...that is why the two of them clash so much. She tries too hard to impress mom (looking for acceptance and approval) when she really needs to back off and be REAL with her.I know these things about my sister are a result of a dysfunctional upbring...somewhere along the way she decided that people who are highly educated aren't dysfunctional. I am not saying she isn't intelligent...just saying she is not an intellectual. After the cable was all connected, I took mom over to Wal-Mart, she needed a new wallet. The one she is using is literally falling apart. I put together a beautiful bouquet with silk flowers for the master bedroom. As I have gotten older, I use more color in my clothing and decorating. I think it is because I am more confident...sounds silly but when I was younger, I stayed with very neutral colors because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Thank you for thinking about mother, I appreciate it. Love and hugs Margeaux and I hope everything is going well for your mother!!

sharyn - so glad you got Verizon switched over. One step at a time!. It is very stressful I know. I hope you were suvvessful with the bills. It is funny how kids turn out - some of it is nurture (environment), and some is nature (genetic). She does have a history which fits with a personality disorder in several aspects. The bench was too cold to sit on. It snowed here yesterday! I am sorry that your sis talks down to your mum. Believe me, intelligent people can be dysfunctional. Mother is highly intelligent! It sounds your sis has some elitism. That will only make things worse, and would be irritating.I hope you mum enjoys the bouquet you made for her bedroom. Wearing and using more colour does not sound silly. I am glad you are doing that and feeling more confident. I wear much bigger earrings than I used to. There is an aspect of confidence in that too. I like them and I don't really care what others think. There is something about getting older which changes your perspective somewhat.
Marg -yes we do turkey for Thanksgiving. It is on the oven right now. G had to stay over night at one of the plants last night. His job is crazy. The rituals do help. I had many candles burniing yesterday, some of the scented, and I found it soothing. I have heard of the Day of the Dead. Food is so basic. After Gordie died i had a dreadful time in the grocery store for a while, as I would see foods I bought especially for him, and it would trigger my grief. How did the cactus work out? Does it taste like any vegetable I would know? What fruits etc does your chutney use. I would love the recipe. Gary loves Mexico and Mexican food. Canning is easy, I did it first many years ago and then not again till recently. We didn't do it when I was a child. How wonderful thaf your mum enjoyed dancing, It is a great form of exercise and also socializing. Maybe you could dance with her in the kitchen, or somewhere safe to get her moving. Put on some music, and see if she responds. I have read articles that "old time" music is good for seniors, especially those who have withdrawn. Hope you can get to the Dec function and video it.
I have to tell you, years ago, my mil danced at my wedding to ex. She is a very large woman, not healthy, and was on oxygen at the time, but very light on her feet. My ex asked her to dance -and, I tell you, for me the world stood still to see the two of them out there. She had on a loose pink dress (I can still see it) and she floated around the dance floor like a large pink cloud. People stopped and watched. I shall never forget it. I am sure it was the last time she danced.
lildeb - how are you doing? hope life is not too hard
"u" praying for you for tomorrow. Try to relax, though I know it would be difficult. Glad your neighbour say your sis going into your home on that day.
everyone - take care
love, hugs and prayers - Joan

Sharyn and Joan, you're so right about intelligence! From our family's experience, a lot of times the more intelligent are the more dysfunctional! My mother and her siblings all had near genius or genius iq's but there was a lot of alcoholism in the family, one of the brothers (the highest iq of all) couldn't keep a job, was married or lived with at least 6-7 women; both my brothers were highly intelligent- 1 died at 65 because he didn't take care of his health, the other is in jail. Just because someone has a high iq, doesn't mean they have common sense!

Hi Emjo,

It's snowing already?
Well yesterday some rain was predicted. I looked outside and there were these enormous black clouds, which were absolutely beautiful! It was time for me to do my walk and I do this combined with a grocery run. On the way back a man asked me whether I saw the rainbow, which was behind me. I saw pink clouds too.
By now I was only about a block from my place. Ran in for my camera and took a couple of shots of the rainbow. But it didn't rain last evening, although there was a slight shower yesterday morning.
I did enjoy the cactus. After I simmered it, sauteed w/garlic, chicken, fresh tomatoes, cilantro. That went into a warm corn tortilla, a taco.
The closest other vegetable that I can compare the taste of the cactus to is green beans. It can be combined with any type of meat, just like a vegetable. I must say, it is an acquired taste kind of vegetable, or takes on the flavors of other ingredients in the recipe, e.g., gravies, sauces, etc. If you have a store that has Latin products in Canada, you might be able to find pickled cactus in jars.
These can be used in the same manner. I was getting in touch with it again, because it's supposed to have many health benefits also, since it has aloe. It is supposed to be very good for arthritis, diabetes. Oh for some people who wrote about acid reflux, and digestive problems, great.
O.K., Emjo I'm going to dig up the chutney recipe I have, think it has apples.
Please anytime you want any Mexican food ideas, I have many.
I hope your turkey dinner with Gary turned out delicious, I'm sure it did!

That's a beautiful image of your ex mnl dancing; the pink cloud.
Great idea too, to get mom up to dance-exercise. Hopefully next time I'm visiting she'll be having an awake day. Last visit was all about sleeping.
Much love & hugs! Margeaux, I'm hungry now, wonder why, HAAH!

Sharynmarie,
I have a who is higher on the rung in terms of education, she's a principal I think of a middle school. She's a big snob, and very arrogant. So much said for education!!
Education vs. common sense or just compassion.
Glad to hear your mom's in good spirits.
Color is good! It picks up one's mood. I'll bet those silk flowers are beautiful.
Take care, and hang in there! Much Love, Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
Sorry, my thoughts got ahead of me. First sentence: I have a cousin who is higher...., etc. Margeaux

I agree common sense vs. education. It's just an image my sis can put on. When she is herself, she is a great person to be around and I only notice her doing this around our mom. I like the word Joan used "Elitist"!!!

Snow already...wow. When we were in Idaho last week, a couple nights got down to 28. Here is Cali, we are having a few sprinkles the last couple days but it is still expected to be in the 70's this afternoon, a muggy 73.

Have good day everyone, and U5, good luck to you day!!

Margeaux~I forgot to tell you that the ladies I worked with had me so spoiled because of all the homemade food they would bring to work...refried beans, salsa, Posole, you name it they made it in abundance for everyone. Yes, they even made Nopales Salad which we ate as tostadas. I make the Nopales Salad for me and my hubby sometimes, we love it! They also would bring in...not sure if you call it a salad or just a veggie snack...cucumber slices with lemon juice and dried chilis sprinkled all over. Very good and it's making my mouth water just thinking about it. Have a great day!!

Sharynmarie,
These ladies were spoiling you! How cool. Even posole, now that's one recipe I've never personally made, only have eaten other people's. Oh yes, you definitely ate the Nopales in the salad. It can be sauteed with eggs, or as I said before made in a sauce or gravy. My dad used to make it in a tomato sauce with onions, garlic and spices. He'd mix it up with pork. That's a common combination, but it can be done with any choice of meat or chicken. I don't eat port myself, but I like it with shredded chicken or turkey.
The salad you describe sounds wonderful with the dried chilis sprinkled on it.
Ummmmm! Bon Appetite! Margeaux

There's some kind of strange control issue, I think going on with my sister at mom's.
While my narcissistic aunt was still alive, she & mom shared a bedroom.
Don't ask me how, nor why, but they both slept on a double sized bed.
They didn't always have this sleeping arrangement, but I guess once they both became less mobile they ended up with this sleeping arrangement in mom's house. Well, last year then as some of you know my aunt got very sick, went into Hospice, there at mom's home. During this time, through aunt's insurance a bed was installed in that room for my aunt-hospital bed. Mom continued to sleep on the double bed in the same room. But now, my sister-who's in charge & lives there, had a couple of the caregivers now stay in that room, and sleep in the same bed w/mom. This was done, since my aunt needed assistance during the night to the bathroom, also mom if needed. So then my aunt passes. Now the people who supplied the hospital bed, took that away.
Well, this sleeping arrangement has been in place like this now for 8 mos., after my aunt's passing.

At first when mother & her sister started this sleeping arrangement, and I knew about it, I'd tell my sister, "How can these two ladies sleep on a small double bed." My sister's answer used to always be, that, "Oh, once mom is asleep, she doesn't move around much." I still thought that bed was too small for the two sisters. Plus, my aunt used to have many nights of insomnia.

Well, my sister does have about three different caregivers that have been coming at night to do the shift. Two of them seem to have no problem w/this sleeping arrangement. Right after my aunt passed, I remember mentioning, or inquiring to my sister whether she'd planned on getting a single bed an putting it in that room. I've been there to relieve my sister every now and then, and honestly I couldn't sleep w/mom on that small bed, even if sister says she doesn't move around. So I'd end up on the living room couch, but hardly ever get any sleep if I choose to do so, since I'm always w/an ear out in case mom wakes during the night to use the bathroom.

So, finally about a month ago, my sister finally brought in a Queen sized bed into that room and got rid of the double bed. One of the caregivers was never comfortable w/this idea that she sleep w/mom, not when the other bed was there, nor now w/the Queen size. This caregiver was doing as I was doing, sleeping on the couch. So my sister this week informed me that she was not giving this one as many hours because she wasn't willing to sleep there w/mother. I don't know! I mean, I get it, I guess not every one maybe is comfortable w/this kind of an arrangement. Maybe if my sister had just placed a small bed in there so that the caregivers could sleep in the room but not in the same bed. Anyway, looks like my sister decided to let this caregiver go, on account of this. I'm wondering whether my sister did the wrong move, by starting this kind of an arrangement w/mom. Sister has told me, that mom wants someone sleeping with her, which I somewhat don't believe. But I'm not sure whether this is just more like this is what my sister wants. Have any of you heard of something weird like this? I think this is way overboard!!
I really think this is part and parcel of my sister's controlling ways, and her hair brain ideas re: the caregiving. Baffled, Margeaux

Margeaux, I have never heard of anything that weird! It is way overboard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Agreed....overboard and disrespectful to the caregivers. Maybe you could try to convince your sister to provide a bed for them just out of respect to them as being human beings. It's a shame because when/if your mother gets to where she is wetting/messing herself during the night, the caregivers are exposed to this. Being there and changing mom is one thing but having to sleep in those conditions is really unsanitary to the needs of the caregivers whose rights are really being violated. I hope you can talk sense to your sister.

Margeaux.... I have had many strange requests from families, but never to sleep in the same bed.... I would lay down with Ruth some nights to get her calmed down, but as soon as she was asleep, I went to my own bed.... sorry, as much as I love my job, I would NOT sleep with my charge.... hope you can convince your sis that this is taking advantage of the caregivers..... hugs to you..

Cmagnum,
Thank you. Yes, I had wanted to write about this quite a long time ago. But guess I was focusing on other disfunction. My sister sometimes is off the charts IMO, when it comes to control. Also, I don't want to sound macabre, here, however the narcissist aunt died in that bedroom. I didn't sleep in that room for the first several mos. when I'd relieve my sister. Anyway, I guess that's another point. Thank you, Cmagnum, hope you're doing well. Much Love, Margeaux

You all were making me hungry thinking about all the food! I love all sorts of ethnic foods- rice, beans, and plantains; curry and basmati rice; dolma, humus tahini, tabouli, and falafels...but I've never tried some of the things that were mentioned!

I would think a lot of caregivers would be uncomfortable sharing a bed. If I were the caregiver, I think a little cot would be better- or the sofa. (But it did make me think of stories my mom would tell me about when she was little. I've seen the house she grew up in- only 2 bedrooms which barely fit 2 full size beds in each room. Her mom, dad, and the 8 kids had to share the space!)

Hope everybody has a good weekend!!!!