The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

lSharynmarie,
Exactly!! Back when my aunt was in the picture on many ocassions I'd mentioned even the two sisters having their own small beds. But anytime I try suggesting ANYTHING to my sister I can either tell by the look on her face, or the tone inn her voice, that she's thinking the, "Oh you don't know what I go through routine, I'm the one living here w/mother, etc." My sister has some big underlying resentment she projects on me, and I've already mentioned here in the past how this subject would never be brought up to my brothers.

There's also another layer to this going on also. Remember I've written about her obnoxious daughter (who lives there, 22 yr. old) who thinks she's a prima donna?
Well, my sister claims that her daughter had claimed she didn't like this particular caregiver because she hovers. Now they live in a 3 bd.rm. house, 2 bth rms., living room, kitchen and den. It's two stories. Mom is downstairs, and the den was converted into a bedroom when mom and my aunt could no longer climb the stairs. Somehow my sister was agreeing w/her daughter that this caregiver when there didn't know how to go hang out in another room if they've been there while she was on duty. I was wondering when sister tried summing it up in this way, well why in China are you all there also, if you need a caregiver on duty. Where would she like this caregiver to go while she's supposed to be on duty watching mom. I'm sure if the caregiver had gone into the kitchen, let's say my sister would be complaining that she wasn't doing her job. So this doesn't make any sense to me.

Last time I visited the other caregiver was there, and my sister complains a lot about her also. My niece was hanging out a lot downstairs as there's another dynamic going on to in terms of baby sitting. Her other daughter went back to work, and now her baby who is 8 mos. old; looks like he's being cared for both by this caregiver and the obnoxious niece. This niece is just like my sister-highly opinionated. My niece went to put the baby to sleep in a playpen-that is also in mom's room now. This room is next to the bathroom. Well the caregiver went to use the bathroom, and niece started to complain saying, "oh I hate it when she goes over there, she's going to wake up the baby." I thought, "oh boy," now we've this girl becoming my sister's daytime monitor of the caregiver.

I'm just hoping that my niece doesn't start to be like an instigator, because my sister has mentioned her daughter saying that she doesn't like all of these people there in the house all of the time, like it's inconveniencing her!! But many times I bite my tongue when I hear this kind of talk. It could be WWIIII, if I told the truth!! Let's see what develops too, since this baby is ready to walk. The positive side about my great nephews presence there, is that he make my mom happy. It's just the so called adults don't know how to handle situations.

I couldn't agree w/you more Sharynmarie also about the possiblity about mom
wetting the bed, and such. Even here though, my sister many times when I talk to her is clueless about ALZ. She has never told me say, "Oh I've read about it, what stage could she be in, nothing." Anyway, these are exactly the reasons as to why I personally am not even more involved.
O.K., Thank You Sharynmarie, I hope you and yours are well.
Much Love, Margeaux

Ladee,
You have exactly expressed my sentiments. Mom when retiring is really not a lot of work at all, she just falls asleep. This talk by sister that mom wanted someone there with her, maybe was true mos. ago when mom had just lost her sister (they were joined at the hip) and lived together. O.K., at that time I could have understood possibly mother feeling this way. But NO, I'm not going for this since my sister is too much about drama, and when there;'s none she creates it.
Also, this obviously is part of my sister's dysfunction.
No disrespect to my mom, but I don't even like sleeping w/her, so why should some caregiver feel good with that! What makes me laugh, is this talk about the caregiver being hovery. HAAH! Well what does one call this need to sleep in the same bed with their mother, I ask??
Thanks Ladee,, I'm sure you're a good caregiver. Much Love, Margeaux

RZSmith,

You know, I realize that what you wrote possibly many people lived this way, in compromised space, and they knew how to manage well and all of that.
Yes, the cot idea is exactly what I was trying to encourage via the single bed idea. But w/my sister it always falls on deaf ears. Her way or the high way personality, quite frustrating to say the least! But w/her there are also some huge boundary issues too, I've written about here.

Now you've made me hungry. I like a lot of the food you've mentioned also.
Well try some Nopales,(cactus) aside from being delicious, very healthy because they are from the Aloe family! Thanks RZSmith, and have a wonderful weekend.
Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~Your sister may find herself in a position of not being able to keep caregivers if the daughter starts in too. A cot or even an air mattress bed from Wal-Mart would work just fine. I understand your position of not wanting to get too involved with your sister. I know first hand how impossible it is to talk logic with someone who has a personality disorder (mother). You know my story with that. I am so sorry you have to witness this with your sister and now your niece. I am off tomorrow, I think I will make Nopales Salad...yummy!!! Take care and I will be thinking about you!!

Margeaux, thanks for asking. I'm doing ok. My wife is still on crutches with her bruised left knee bones. The cold weather has meant finding some creative ways for her to dress warmly with that brace on her left leg. We found that she can wear leggies under her brace to keep her legs warm while she wears short pants or she can wear thick men's warm up pants for they have more leg space than women's warm up pants. Tomorrow, we are going on a trip to the mountains for a week. It should be beautiful this time of year. My mother still thinks from time to time that she's going home and will be able to go to a yard sale, but that is not realistic. Take care. love and hugs to all.

Sharynmarie,
Thank you for your suggestions. I offered these suggestions to her, but as always, she's going to do it her way, which I think is real crazy. There is an element with my sister's attitude, that these caregivers really need this job, blah di blah. It bugs me when she makes statements like this, because it already indicates to me, that she thinks of the people working there as lesser, peons. I know this from things my sister has said about the main caregiver, (not the one she let go), since she's been working there w/mom for about three and a half yrs. now. So of course we know her & even her daughter who used to work there part time, when her mother couldn't make it. In summary, my sister acts also, as Emjo said like an "elitist," especially when it comes to position, like the job one has, and especially money. Interesting thing is, I've mentioned that she works a 40 hr. job.
Current day, my sister does have extra money to spend, since she lives at mother's and doesn't pay rent. She owns property also, because of a couple of loans in the past that both mom, and even the narcissistic aunt made to her in the past. I know my sister paid them back, but my point is, "Slow down little sista, you didn't completely become some kind of a financial queen all on your own." You've done this, and continue to, w/the help of other people for you & yours and it's definitely not been because you've separated from the family and done this on your own. I know this was in some way some entanglement my sister had w/respect to our aunt and her involvement at the end of her life, even though they didn't get along. Financially speaking I'm no where near my sister,
but I didn't and wouldn't want to do it this way either! This too is all part of this POA, entanglement also, in our family.
Anyway, I really think that this demented idea, about money and position plays a big part as to why my sister also doesn't really value the caregivers in terms of respect. Many boundary issues w/sister!!

This daughter of hers too, I'm realizing behaves just like her mother.
I hope she doesn't start some trouble, especially w/the main caregiver. Mom is accustomed to her, and this caregiver for whatever her flaws are, we all have them is very affectionate w/mom. This becomes an issue also I believe w/ALZ,
is that they lose the ability to relate to just anyone.

How are your mom and sister doing? Well I hope things have calmed down a bit, as I know you've had a lot going on after your trip, and returning to work.

Ummmm! The Nopales salad, what a great idea! BTW, I remember your post about the acid reflux, the aloe juice is supposed to be great for this.
Enjoy! Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~I understand what you are saying about your sister and how your hands are tied. You can only do so much and keeping a distance as you are doing makes good sense. Alzheimer's is a difficult disease, I read other threads and so many on here are going thru it.

It has been a rough week but I got thru it with support and encouragement on this site and my husband, and sister. Sis has calmed down too and mom is fine now that the phone is working again. Her toe is healing well, still taking the antibiotic. When I went over this morning, she was eating breakfast and was dressed for church. One of the ladies picked her up and I think that is great that she has their support too.

As for me, I am a little down today. I think I am grieving as I see mom losing another part of herself this last week. I can't change it, can't fix it so I am letting go. On a brighter note, I am making the salad with shrimp and nopales! We are heading back into the 80's this next week, one more big Hurrah of summer, then we will settle into autumn temps!! Enjoy the day and thank you for asking about my mom and sis!!! Hugs!! Sharyn

Sharyn, hope this week is easier! It's so tough to see the decline in those that are important in our lives... Glad mom's toe is getting better and hope you do something extra special for yourself this week so that you can feel strengthened and encouraged...

Sharynmarie,
How wonderful that your mom has this support system, of people from her church.
You know, mom's official diagnosis w/ALZ, was in 2007. But definitely she was becoming forgetful even when dad was alive, because he used to mention it, he passed in 2001. Anyway, I too last year went through the grieving. I remember it hit me one day, that mom wasn't who she was before. This is hard, because I remember feeling, well she's still here w/us for which I'm grateful, but when we see the changes in their personalities, this is hard! My heart goes out to you!! I've been doing some meditations, and this helps me. I do the burning of the sage, and it clears some of these feelings that are hard to deal with. One scent that has been a pick me up for me is citronella, or anything from the lemon family, even a lemon.
Anyway, treat yourself well, even if it's some chocolate, (which really is good for us). Glad to hear your sis and husband are good support systems for you, we sure need them.

I had to resort to some Aleve today, as I woke up w/terrible sinus pressure on account of these fluctuating temps here also. I'm down south from you-same state, how do you like that? Anyway, I'm going to go easy on what I eat today, because it aside from environmental, temp changes affects the sinuses. It may be time for me to do a light detox of sorts.
Yes, I'm always working on the boundaries w/my sister; this is a lesson for me, and I'm good w/that. The salad is getting more exciting.
O.K., have a great rest of the day, a great big hug! Much Love, & Light to you!
I'm grateful that I can let my hair down w/the wonderful people on this thread. Thank You, Gracias, Thank You! Margeaux

Made some drastic moves to eliminate the daily chaos of my own dysfunctional family in a statement of self-preservation. First I changed my phone number to a private number...only the nursing home and those close to me have this. I no answer to family members who don't visit Mom but want to tell me what I should be doing for her. I attend weekly counciling to vent my fears and frustrations and just saying things to a non family person helps me with perspective. Hepa helps a lot as the only person the nursing home has to answer to is my Mom or myself so family can't interfere. Being point blank with family was also helpful "It's not your business" is a phrase I've had to master. I don't visit when other family members are there...avoiding arguments in front of Mom. And finally when the chaos begins I say firmly "You can take over Mom's care anytime you like, I'll arrange the paperwork for you" That shuts them up quick. I had to take these steps for my sanity. It would be nice to have a family that works toether in unison for Mom's best interests but I was not blessed with that and I've stopped reaching for it. I can't change them..only my own response to them. It's a work in progress 3 years now.

Claudia~It sounds like you are doing the right thing. It is a shame that so many family members are non responsive and just don't want to help. I have decided that I am not going to keep my brother up to date on our mother just because of what my sis and I have gone through this last week with mom. I sent him 3 emails to which he has not responded to. It is clear he is not interested...so be it. Hang in there and keep the boundaries up!! Hugs to you!!

Hi Claudia. You are one of the rare caregivers here that was able to do what you did! You accepted the truth about your siblings and helping with the caregiving, not butting your head trying to get them to take some responsibility or share. I had to learn this the hard way just this past May/June. Except, I waited until I was suicidal. Sigh... I just wanted to say that I think you an example of how to be pro-active in our caregiving life! HUGS to you!!!

My mom age 93 is in the hospital with pnuemonia and an infection-I just know she will blame me for getting sick because I had to have the AC on while in LA but I was careful to keep the temp at between 73 and 78 and the first day I did say to her if she was cold or too warm to tell me-and she did hear me and her mind is very sharp so I did know that she understood but the third day she yelled at me about using the ac and that she was freezing so I did turn it off at times but had to have it on some. My sister is asking my two brothers to work out a plan to have one of them stay with her when she gets home from the hospital -they never step up to assist with her-I will be very surprised if they do this time.

Lousy, my mother's nurse at the nursing facility told her she is terminal. Mom just does not want to hear this despite knowing she has inoperable, incurable stage 3B lung cancer. She is clinging onto hope, but it is false hope. She is downgrading. My family sees me trying to help.day after day. I lost my job, and they are angry at me over that. I have an aunt and uncle out of town that wants me to do everything for my mom. I have no compensation and everyone yells at me it's my fault for being in this situation.

I am highly depressed

Austin – pneumonia is quite common with the elderly. I remember a time when mom kept getting it. With us, we keep the air con to 78. If it gets too cold, I move it up to 79. But 79 is too hot for mom. So, I keep it to 78 and father and I just cover up. Since your mom is still sharp, I guess she needs someone to blame – and your IT.

Alexandra – I don’t even know what to say to help you feel better. Who is angry that you lost your job? When you say family, who is family? As for you aunt and uncle…I have had my father’s sister (aunt) lecture me several times to do more to help my dad caregive bedridden mother. I mean, out of 8 kids, I’m the only one who stayed home my whole 46 year life to care for them! And she lectures ME to do more? How much more does she want? My siblings are married, had kids, and grandkids – and Travel!!! I don’t mind the not marrying, children and grandkids (already decided at age 19 to not want kids.) But I will tell you that for years (as in about 21 years) I’ve helped the parents without my siblings help (physically/monetary). Fortunately, I’ve always been blunt. When the siblings piss me off, I have no problem telling them off. But to lose a job in this economy!
Any possibility of finding a part-time job? Because it's very important that you have a balanced life - to maintain your sanity.

Spending a whole long week with my mother while we were away-I decided that her commets were toxic and let them roll off of me and she finally got on my last nerve and I shouted back at her and my sister bil and their friend said it was good that she did-I really do not plan on going out to take care of her when she gets out of the hospital-if there is no other way and I have to I just will have to tough it out but she will not talk to me as she has all my life-she already hates me so I do not see our relationship getting better and without a computer to vent to you guys I will be lost.

Alexandra~So sorry you are in this situation. Did you lose your job because of taking care of your mom? It's a shame that family can always put in their two cents worth not refuse to be in the trenches helping. Hang in there and do the best you can which is what you are already doing!! Hugs!!!
Austin~You are right in not letting your mother tear you down. If you have to take care of her, keep up your boundaries and limits. My heart goes out to you, its a tough situation and harder still when you get no help or support from your siblings. Vent all you want, that is what we are here for and God knows I do my share of it too. Hugs to you!!!

Just got back from meeting with mom's attorney. It went as I expected. He can't help us...has to go by the legal documents my mom authorized some years back. He did say that she has declined considerably but by reading btwn the lines, he does not think she is legally incompetent which I already knew that. My hope was that he would try to talk to her about letting someone (if not sis or me) take over her finances. He did talk to mom about being more cooperating with us and told her if she fights us too hard, she will lose our support but at the same time he told us to not push her so hard to give up her control of things, he said the harder we push the more she will fight. He can't advise us when or if to call APS without violating his client (our mother). My sister got snippy with him which I don't fault her for that. Of course me being the emotional one...I lost control and cried the whole time...I hate when I do that!! He got a little forceful with sis and said you know, you can walk away anytime you want. I told him I don't want to take away her free will, but I am concerned for her safety and being taken advantage of by someone else. He said he can't advise us when to call APS and to call them regarding what they will do when the make a visit. He also explained this to my mom. He sympathizes with us because as he stated this is the hardest phase of Alz/dementia to go through and he said he would keep us in his prayers. I must admit that I am finding myself talking to God again after a falling out about 10-12 years ago. I also think I may need to get on an antidepressant, I don't like being weepy all the time. I have to get blood work done soon and I will talk with my doc when I go in for results.

On to funnier issues of sorts...while in Idaho, my daughter had her annual. Her doc ordered an ultrasound for a lump she felt during the example. My daughter went in the next day for the ultrasound and a mammy which showed nothing but the radiologist told her that doesn't mean there is no cancer and to follow up with her doc. My daughter is feisty, she said I know my body and I know I have lumpy boobs so why should I have to pay for procedures that are only going to result in nothing!! I told her just follow through on it Linz, it is better to be overly careful and give your hubby peace of mind. She sent me a text saying her doc wanted her to come so she could feel her up once more, LOL!!! Her doc said that both breast are the same and it is lumpy boobs, LOL!! I miss my daughters humor!!!

Hi Austin,
How are you doing? Oh, I know this AC problem, as we were having this same issue w/mom. Yes, it was very hot many places these past few mos. The main caregiver at mom's was turning it up to 76, and mom was on the couch one day had cold body language, w/a flannel blanket on her. I turned it down, and advised the caregiver to keep it lower. I did this, as mom doesn't express what she's feeling.

In your case though, since you said you gave your mom the option to tell you about it, then she gets sick, well how unfair she's trying to dump it on you!
But it sounds from what you've written, further that this has been an ongoing unproductive way she chooses to communicate with you. I'm really sorry about that. Well it's good you're not going to put up with this treatment either.
Much Love, and hugs! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
How are you doing? Wow, I haven't been on here all week long.
Well what you've described in terms of the meeting w/the attorney, makes things tough doesn't it. Honestly, for the life of me, I'll never understand how it is these kinds of legal set ups in terms of the law have been created. It's just so convoluted also, in terms of how and when seniors finally give their power over to capable daughters like yourselves. It's almost like some kind of cruel joke, just making people wait it out, kind of like waiting for the shoe to fall before something that makes sense-protecting a loved one. This aspect about the law, and attorneys really gets on my nerves.
I really feel bad that you had to go through this, and it worked on your emotions.
Well, sometimes whether we like it or not, this is how this kind of stuff manifests.

Believe me, I used to really feel for my sister last year while having to deal w/our aunt's craziness in terms of the legal plan she elected out to the end of her life.
Our narcissistic aunt was playing volley ball w/this POA, switch up, on her whim whenever it seemed to suit her.

Your mom doesn't realize it how good she has it, w/you, and at whatever level you sister is also involved. O.K., you're in my thoughts big time, and keep the faith, as they say, "This too shall pass." Much Love & Light! Margeaux

This is a great thread. I have 4 siblings two are estranged from the family one stole a massive amount of money while my father was dying. I spent 27 nights caring for my father up till the day he died. I had very little help from siblings then. I was thrown under the bus buy the thief. She convinced everyone it was me who stole the money. It was made clear later on it was her. I had a nervous breakdown over this. My mother moved next to me a year ago. I have one sister who "helps" when she feels like it. Most of the time I have to shame her into it. Mom has C.O.P.D. is on oxygen 24/7 she never drove or had friends. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on August 16th. I have been to more doctors and had more test than you could shake a stick at. I had a lumpectomy and am now facing chemo and radiation. Mom had C.O.P.D.exacerbation and was in the hospital for a week and P.T. for a week. Sis visited once. I was there every day and did all the dealings with the docs. Sis works part time three days a week and told me she only works to pay for vacations and to go out to eat. She is now on her 4th vacation this year. I have begged and pleaded for help and only get the answer of I'm busy and I can't give you time I don't have. We both have grown kids and I quit my part time job of 8 years to care for mom. Now with chemo and radiation coming up I'm worried about sis not helping.








then P.T.for a week. She came home a few days ago. The only sis who helps when she wants visited once. I was there every day. She




now on her 4th vacation this year. Sis works, but doesn't have to. She told me the only

Sorry about the extras on the end. I'm typing this on my kindle and it messed up.

I'm the caregiver, youngest of 6 children, but only female! Most are spread around the country, a few a close enough they could help, they just don't! I have to text my brothers to remind them to call mom. I leave posts on facebook, about needing a break, still don't get one. I KNOW they read it! They seem to comment on other posts i leave. I expect it will be mostly ion my shoulders, but I still resent their attitudes. I don't want their lack of being here to effect my attitude, but it still does to some extent. We never had a close family. Guess i was hoping this would bring us together (stupid thought) Anyway, nice to know others are out there, and can get some sort of emotional support. I'm new to the site!! God Bless!

Hi Mertle, Welcome! Oh, I believe you about your siblings reading your posts but not helping. If click on my name, you can read my profile. All I can say is that I've been helping father with Alzheimer mom since age 23. When he got a stroke and became bedridden, I really thought that Finally my 7 siblings will know that I cannot handle 2 bedriddent parents. Like you, that was a stupid thought. This past May/June, I became suicidal because I just couldn't handle it anymore, and my siblings were living their life, children, grandkids, traveling ...and I was stuck at home. The thing is, I chose to be a travel agent because I've always wanted to travel. I found this site about 2 days prior hitting rock bottom of my depression. So, I signed up and posted for help. And they helped.

Mertle, I found that the people here Knows what we are going through. They know that we are NOT exaggerating. And the advice they give are great. Not all the time but at least they try! I wanted to post more but it's midnight here and my brain's sluggish and difficult to think. I'm glad you posted. Take care!!

Sallie & Mertle~Welcome to the thread!! You both have a similar situation with sibs not helping. My heart goes out to you both, unfortunately, this is a common problem. I have a brother who doesn't like to help either, he gets too easily stressed when asked to do a simple thing like checking in on mom. I wish there were some easy answers for you, all I can suggest is the usual which I am sure you have heard before, such as, can you hire a health care aid to come to the house a couple times a week, maybe your church has a couple ladies who would come over, adult day care, a trusted friend or neighbor?? You could call the Area on Aging in your counties and you may qualify for something thru them or they may have other suggestions to help you both out. Coming here and talking with others is very helpful and stress releasing so please come back anytime, we are here for you!!

Margeaux~Mom's attorney kept saying, "This is life, and she gets to live it her way!"
I hope you are well, we are finally getting some rain here. We went to Calaveras Big Trees yesterday. It was beautiful with the dogwoods changing colors, we had a nice walk and I am sore today, LOL! I gotta go over to mom's to look for some papers she hid away. Waiting for insurance packet to arrive by mail to set up her insurance for next year...N...the lady who worked with my mom is going to come over when the packet comes in to help my mom decide what insurance she will choose...mom doesn't trust me or sis to help her with this (the insurance is for retired employees). Have a great week and I'll be thing about all you!!

well, I will try to catch up -between my mother and my daughter, I just have to retreat sometmes. It is my way of coping.
riz you are right - the brighter the more difficult they are nice to see you joining us
marg -it snowed a heap yesterday and is here to stay now I think. Still waiting for your chutney recipe. Educated people can be kind and compassionate, I know some, but education does not make you that way, for sure. Sharing a bed - NO WAY! Weird idea! And you niece is quite a case, isn't she? Hope your sinuses are better.
sharyn - wow nice food from your coworkers! I understand the grievng seeing your mum decline. Good decision about your brother. Not much you can do about the legal things is there? Frustrating! Your daughter has a great sense of humor! Hope the insurance gets straightened out.
claudia - self preservation has to come into play. Good for you -you can't change them, only you. It is a work in progress,
cmag -hope your wife is healing from her knee problems, and you are doing reasonably well.
book -glad you have some more support now. You are such a trooper.
austin - how is it going? Did your sibs step up to hlep your mum?
alex (((((((hugs))))) repeat -it is not your fault - to heck with your aunt and uncle. I found I have to develop a thick skin to what some others think about my personal life, and relationships. You, your husband and family need to come before your mum. Hope you can take some steps to improve your situation, take care of you.
sallie Welcome. What a load and what a mess. You have to look after you. I have given up with my sis who won't lift a finger to help, but for years has had a free holiday staying with mother. I don't expect anything but trouble from her. Can your mum go into respite while you get the treatments you need? I see other people here who make thse arrangements. Let us know what you figure out, and come back and vent.
mertle -welcome to you too . Yes, many seem to have sibs who are happy to take, but will give very little, and are not supportive at all. You are in good company. Do look after your own health. Caregivers tend to put themselves kast , and then suffer consequences. Hope to see you post again.
sallie and mertle -sharyn has made some good suggestions.
Have a good day everyone. Still snowing lightly here and more forecast for the rest of the week. ;( I saw a deer across from the house this morning, took pics and put them up on facebook - emjo2002. The pics are public if anyone wants to see them. Love, hugs and prayers Joan

My mom is sort of a recluse and will not let anyone else come into her home. I have neighbors who have offered to help, but mom won't let them. When she was in P.T. a nurse was telling my mom about all of the events they have such as movie night, BINGO night and other activities. I asked mom if she was going to do any and she told me, why would I do that here when I don't do it when I'm home. I said they don't have activities down the hall in your house.

(((((sallie)))) that must be very discouraging for you, You say on your profile that you need a break, and I am sure that you do. Sounds like your mum is not well at all with emphysema, and being on oxygen. Can you get any respite set up so you can get have some time for you? It is too hard on a person to be the only caregiver. Your mum may not like it, but if you need it, you need it and should take it. Some seniors get very self centered, and they want what they want, and don't realise how hard they are on the one caregiving. My mother doesn't join into anything either, but prefers to sit and figure out what is wrong in her world. They can make their own choices. I have made as few suggstions and then left it alone. She is not going to change, ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Asking for prayers for Gary's youngest son who just had emergency surgery for a perforated bowel. He had a head/brain injury a few years ago, and was left with very severe and debilitating headaches, is constantly on heavy pain meds, He cannot live alone, nor have a normal life as he is in bed sometimes, or throwing up from the pain all day long. The doctors have said that they can do no more for him, his stomach will be ruined by the meds within 5 years, and he won't live till he is 40. He is in his early twenties. Gary is on his way to Calgary to see him in hospital. It is likely that this was caused by the meds. It is very sad.

Well I went to mom's Sat. to relieve my sister on an overnighter since she told me the following story end of last week. She called frustrated about mom, saying that one evening she'd given mom some spaghetti for dinner. While mom was kind of eating it, my sister served herself some ice cream. Mom pushed the plate of spaghetti away, indicating she wasn't going to eat it. My sister then said something like, "Do you want ice cream?" My mom replied, "yes." Then my sister said, something to the effect, "well if you're hungry for ice cream, how come you hardly ate any of the dinner I gave you." Then mom told her, "Shut up."

First of all, on the face of my sister's tactic to try and get mom to eat food, instead of ice cream, well, I thought this was pretty dumb on her part. My sister seemed offended by mom's reply, and expressed this and the lack of appreciation she feels at times coming from mom. But somehow, I thought the way my sister did this, was rather on the condescending side. To be quite honest, my mom in her ALZ, is not really combative, nor does she resort to these kinds of tactics as a norm. I think as I've written in the past, that my sister is still looking for that mother, we didn't really have the emotional. But she may as well give up this idea, at this point.

So I offered to go there Sat.
Well, mom was having an awake night compared to the last time I was there in which she slept the whole time. We watched tv. Then about 8:30 p.m, the neighbors were having a very loud party. They must have had a dj, because we heard boom, boom and felt the vibrations from their music for about the next 4-5 hrs. It was so awful. So since we weren't going to get any sleep, I allowed mom to stay up until 11:45. Finally I told her that we should go to bed. So I escorted her to the bed room. I then returned to the kitchen and called 411 for a phone number for the police. I had enough of the boom noise, and I guess no other neighbor had called to complain. Anyway the 411 was of no help, gave me a number which has been disconnected. I then began to search the house for some local phone books to see if I could find a number. But I couldn't find these, either. Anyway, I then headed for mom's bedroom, and tried to fall asleep.
Then, mom woke up several times throughout the night, to use the bathroom.
So hardly any sleep, but finally that noise stopped at neighbor's.

Anyway, next day my sister returned in the a.m. So I told her of my previous night. When I asked her if she had any emergency phone numbers, e.g. police,
fire dept., etc., her reply was, "Oh, I just have instructed the caregivers to call 911 in case of any emergency." But as far as I know I thought you're only supposed to call that number if it's for parameds, or fire dept. in an emergency, not for a disturbance of the peace. Anyway, then I asked her where she kept phone books. She tells me, "Oh, there in the garage." Well my sister has this garage so packed full w/her and her daughter's stuff, I wouldn't be able to find these if I tried. But my point here is, I became rather annoyed, that I go to relieve her for time off, and instead of being helpful, when I express I needed something while I was there, she's really no help. She really blew me off in my opinion, and actually I detected some kind of amusement on her part about what I'd experienced the night before. This didn't feel good at all, if anyone asks me!!

Then I told her about mom getting up 3x's during the night to pee. Apparently she had the urge, but when she'd go, it wasn't very productive. So now my sister informs me that mom had been having a UTI for which she'd been on antibiotics.
This too, would be nice to know when I arrive there. Anyway, I'm feeling that my sister is doing her passive aggressive behavior as usual.
I always tell myself, ok, go over there w/o judgments, etc. But gee, by the time I left, I had judgments, and they weren't too good. Margeaux