Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I deactivated my California Photography page on F/B because I don't have the time to make it a business like I wanted and to be honest, I don't think I have the business sense to make it successful, Lol!! I will friend you on my regular F/B account. I did look at your pics of the deer and they are great! I would love to get pics of some mild mannered wild life,Lol. My computer is wearing out as I found out that photo editing uses lots of power and memory and I am having problems posting pics on Flickr after I have edited them, My computer tells me the file is corrupt and Flickr will not upload a photo unless I have it in a j.peg file. We are looking in the Inspirion 660 by dell that has an i5 core processor which fits our budget, and we will still be able to get a laptop with all the word processing abilities too. Laptops are very reasonable now. Sis and I have come to a truce after my blow up with her last week, she not wanting to be available to help with mom and saying I am closer, blah blah blah,LOL!! I am setting boundaries with her and have gotten a grease board with the days of the week on it. I have 2 so I can rotate as my schedule is posted at work. She is making herself available a couple days a week to help with grocery shopping,etc. Today is the first day I have had to take care of things here at home since I came back from Idaho. I am listing my work schedule and the days I am available to help mom, the days she is available and will give this to mom to put on her fridge. I think it is only fair that she does her share of the physical work so I can have some time to take care of my house, spend time with my hubby and just relax. Anyway another long post no matter how I try to keep it short, Lol! I am happy to hear Clay is on the mend, keep us posted on his progress. Hugs and have a happy day!!
Sharyn – I smiled when you mentioned sis and you having to be living closer, that you set your boundaries. I’m glad.
Mom had a very active night (or early morning.) I got up several times each hour – starting at 2am. I looked at the time, and just couldn’t believe it was only 230am. The next time I looked at the clock – 330am. After that, I just stopped looking at the clock because it was upsetting me that the number of times I kept getting up to suction her and my Lack of deep sleep. It’s one thing when you just get up, suction, go to sleep. But, when you get up, see it’s 230am, suction, sleep. Get up, 245am, suction, sleep. Get up, 315am, suction, sleep. When you keep track of the time, it makes me aware of the Lack of Sleep I’m having! So, after that, I refused to look at the time. All I can say is that I have gotten up about 10 times.
Can I join the shopping trip? I haven't shopped in quite some time, and I sure do need to buy some new pants. I have been wearing the same ones, and I got away w/it during the summer. Now that the weather is changing, I'll definitely need something, just new and weather appropriate.
Bookworm, wow, how do you get up 10 times during the night. Your an amazing person! The last time I was at mom's doing that over nighter w/her, I got up about 3X's to assist her to bathroom, and that totally messed me up. Do you get to catch up on the sleep during the day? I hope so!
Anyway, it's good to hear what is going on w/your individual situation. I notice when you post, it seems mostly to be supportive of the rest of us, and I truly admire this about you! Well, I hope things are well w/you too.
Much Love & light , Margeaux
Whoah! It sounds like you're really having a full on winter up there.
Does this kind of weather usually come so early? Here we are still in fall!
Maybe this hurricane has affected other parts of the country. Temps have been fluctuating out here on the West coast in the U.S. Never have lived in snow, but this must be very challenging, especially driving.
Well, just about anything can trigger the old anger feelings.
How are things w/your daughter going, and your mom, if I may ask?
I know going to mom's the last visit and some of my sister's not so helpful attitude sent me home w/at least stirring it up w/me.
Well be careful out there on the road, when you go for your appointment w/your therapist, I hope all goes well on this end. Good for you that you're wearing the colorful stuff, and earrings. I really believe that these things we do for ourselves, to brighten our moods help. This is why I need to go shopping, "something for me." I get a feeling w/some of us, that we come from backgrounds of doing too much for others, possibly, and must constantly remind ourselves when to do something nice and pamper ourselves. So you put those earrings on Emjo, this is one of the first things I do in the morning, HAAH! I kind of feel naked w/o them.
Much Love, and big hugs, Margeaux
It is great that you are setting the boundaries w/your sister.
Be it that you need to get your own things done, or devote time to your own life, well it is only fair.
Speaking from the perspective of the visiting daughter, in our family dynamics, I admit that before my aunt died, I wasn't as willing to go there and help out.
This was because my aunt was just too difficult. I once lived there years ago, while this person also lived there. She threw my shoes at me one morning from the top of the stairs, as I was on my way out to work. That was about 13 yrs., ago. So you can imagine how awful she became when she was somewhat older, and now very ill. Mother always took my aunt's lying side also, BTW. So when dad passed, I moved out of that household. I literally told mom, I could not live there anymore with her sister's behavior. By now, I also felt too much betrayal on mom's part, for always putting the sister first, and allowing abusive behavior towards me.
But now that it's only mom, at first I didn't volunteer to relieve my sister, also because her daughter lives there. I don't live close, otherwise this would be different. However, I'm making a conscious effort, for me, that I also experience mom w/ALZ, because one can't know for how long they are here, nor still a bit cognitive. Margeaux
Good for you for wanting to spend time with your mom, I don't know how far away you are from your mom but I know driving the freeways in SoCal can be hectic at certain times of the day and week. When I visited my son back in May, it took me about an hour just to get thru the L.A. area on I-5 at 11:30 in the morning. Once I got thru that it was smooth sailing into San Clemente. Have a good day and I hope you get some shopping in for yourself, that is always a mood lifter too!!!
Today was my sister's day to visit with mom, take her grocery shopping,etc. Well it didn't turn out so good for sis. Mom was out of control trying to find things she lost, blaming my sister for stealing them. Mom had lots of paperwork out all over the place looking for her checkbook, paperwork. Sis said she was running back and forth from the kitchen to the bedrooms digging thru everything and yelling at my sis the whole time accusing her of taking things. Sis called comcast to cancel the cable tv cause mom refuses to watch it, she called direct tv to see if they would reduce or waive the penalty fee for mom cancelling her contract early since she has Alzheimer's. They told her she would have to write a letter. She never took her grocery shopping cuz she couldn't handle mom with the accusations and witnessing her decline. She left a message on my cell and I called her on my lunch. She was in tears over it saying mom needs to be on medication and I couldn't deal with her, mom locker herself in the bedroom and sis left. I told her this is why I wanted you to see her more often helping because this is what I have been going thru the last few weeks with her. She can't manage things anymore and we need to be checking in with her personally more often. I think I am going to call her dr. in the morning to make an appt. with a neurologist that comes to his office once a week. If mom throws a fit when I take her in then I will have to deal with the fall out at that time, but if I can get her evaluated and on an antidepressant or anti-anxiety med, then all the better even if I have to go over to her house every morning to give it to her.
The reason I support others here was because they helped me when I needed help. In late May or early June, I became suicidal. I had finalized The Plan: How, When and Where I was going to do it. I had found this site (I think) on Friday, and was suicidal on Monday. So, I posted here for help because a part of me did not want to die but the other part was determined. (All my life, due to a very dysfunctional childhood, I have always wished for death – even in elementary age.) The people here were Very Straight Forward (Thank goodness!) and some were very kind, understanding, sympathetic, etc… There were advices that I did not like or want to accept. But because I wanted to live, I had to force myself to accept it and proceed on it. (I told fave sis of this advice and it pissed her off. She cussed at the person who gave me that advice. But a month later, sis brought it up again. You see, she saw the difference in my life. I was not so bitter, angry or resentful with the other siblings. Anyway, she’s still carrying “my” anger to the siblings on my behalf. Sis has always been so emotional.) …… So, just as those advices helped me, I in turn will help others. Who knows who is feeling down? A little kindness will help them throughout the day. It did with me.
Sharyn – so sorry that it’s so difficult trying to get your mom diagnosed. Hopefully this time it will succeed.
Oh last week was quite hectic, work related. I'm having major problems with my hotmail account right now, can't really see emails. I know Mercury is going retrograde, I think tomorrow, I feel it already! Margeaux
I too was drained last year, from being supportive and going every now and again to my mother's house. Last year her sister was still alive, and raising literal hell over there. I was at my wit's end about the time she passed, and I came upon this site. I am also so grateful that Cmagnum, our fearless leader started the thread! Yes, I agree with you that people here are very supportive, and I also believe in giving back. It's good to be also reminded about how we arrived here, thanks Bookworm. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
It takes me about at least an hour and sometimes longer, since I'm driving from the beach, east of me further inland to mom's. It just seems as if everyday there is traffic, even on weekends. So when I go there, I have to plan it around even the drive.
Well from your post, it sounds as if your mom really is needing more attention.
Believe me, you're in my thoughts w/respect to the appointment you have.
She really sounds as if she is in need of some type of anxiety medication.
Good for you Sharynmarie, w/the boundaries, and your sister, and very good you're putting them in place at this moment in time. O.K., Keep us posted,
Much Love, & Light! Margeaux
Welcome to this thread. My condolences for the passing of your mom.
This must be quite difficult for you having lost your mom, then to have to be involved in this kind of scenario w/your brothers. Well do tell us more about your situation, as this is what we do here on the thread. There are countless stories here of family members who have done things as such, draining the elder's bank accounts. Anyway, please come back here, because writing about it does help.
Stay Strong! Much Love & Light, Margeaux
However, I have seen some who posted their Own Question, and Other Posters (who do not visit those 2 sites mentioned above) have commented.
So, if you do all 3, you will hopefully get different advice in which you can choose from. Please give it a try.
Thank you for the wonderful hugs. Well Austin, you did all you could, and at least you realize this about the fact you did. We can't control, nor do I think one wishes to, with respect to how people feel about us. But yes, this must be difficult, I know this all too well, in my family. Good for you, and I'm thinking about you!
Much Love & Light, Margeaux
Not much going on these days. Working more hours, sis comes to mom's house every Wednesday afternoon which helps a lot. Waiting for sis to make appt. with neurologist.
I will probably have to work Thanksgiving so not sure if/when we will have our family get together now. I may have to tell my son not to come up if I can't do the dinner the day before Thanksgiving...oh well it's the nature of the grocery business, at least I am off Christmas.
It seems like things are calm for everyone, I hope Gary's son is continuing to recover. Take care everyone!!
katie -hope you are getting some help. I do agree with austin about being more forceful about your needs. That is harder for some of us than others.
margeaus - how are things? Have you made any more progress with your family history?
book - I think you talked about buying some leopard print jeans!!!!! Wow - never seen any. I don't know if I wouod dare. I do have a halter neck leopard print jump suit! I hope you are gettng some reliable help and more time off for you. Any thing new regarding your health?
cmag -hope things are good with you and your wife injuries are healing
I have been MIA - Winter has brought on some fibromyalgoa flare ups, and I tried some meds which are supposed to help - maybe they did - but I they made me too drowsy in the daytime. So I tried something diffferent yesterday, and hopefully that will help. As with arthritis, weather changes cause flare-ups with CFS/FM more snow again!. Another appoiuntment with the specialist in a week and not sure that I can drive, so better book it by phone.I am very thankful she is following up. Hoping to make a trip in December to visit a friend I have't seen in years, combined with a business trip G has to make. It will help to break up the winter.
Clay is home, and has a long recovery ahead. Can't remember if I mentioned that he is on oral drugs still as well as the morphine, so he will have problems again. I feel so badly for him. There doesn't seem to be a solution.
Mother is miffed as I am not giving her much attention. Of course she always sounds surprised when I tell her that I have health issues myself, and need to look after them.
Love, hugs and prayers to all Joan
I saw my endocrinologist today, I was shocked to learn that my blood pressure was so low. It's never been 98 over 50ty something. The nurse said that was not dangerously low and wanted to know if I was feeling dizzy. I don't feel dizzy, but I don't have much energy.
That is pretty low BP. Have they adjusted yor BP meds? I think it would account, at least in part, for low energy.
Hope you have a good day