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Sounds like a good plan, Austin.

I am pushing myself to get somethings done tonight which have needed to be done. I can't really say it was related to today's therapy session, but I'm feeling more energy too. I hope tomorrow is similar.

The more my mother's health declines and her dementia increases the more I'm finding visiting my mother in the nursing home to be very depressing for a day or two after I visit. I'm glad that my step-dad is able to visit her almost every day with his helper, but he must be in disbelief of how bad off she is to be as chipper as he acts when I visit him or he is on a more powerful "happy pill" than I am on.
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Too tired to type, but I'm sure I will definitely need to vent here before the week is out. Glad it's here to help keep my sanity.
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cmag-your step-dad probably does not realize her decline and maybe that is a good thing for him. I am so glad my mom did not linger -two days after the stroke she died-and three weeks before that she was fine a my nephews wedding and before we left LA we had a nice dinner with the new married couple at Marina Del Ray-which we told the poor young doctor who had to do his last visit to her and he said not many people her age are doing ok just before they pass away. Three days before she died she gave the tech caring for her hell about something.
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Hi Gabby, Austin, Emjo, Kattie and Cmag. Gabby we will be waiting when you do decide to come back to vent. Austin, I know I need to strongly voice to family that I need help. Problem is that I have been asking and asking for YEARS for help. It has reached the point that it feels like begging. Hence, I'm going to see if I can do therapy. But...I think my insurance will only cover 10 visits per year. The cost of a visit is roughly about $175.00. We will see....

Emjo – my leopard print is black jeans with the prints even blacker than the background. Very subtle n decent enough to wear to work. Fits me perfectly....
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Hi Emjo,
I guess some of us have missing in action lately. I've had really weird problems w/my email account, and have had to sign onto this site via the internet. There was so much going on around the country last week also, w/elections.
Sorry to hear about your fibromyalgia flare up. Yes the weather changes! It's been making my sinuses act up also. But I'm trying to manage them.
I haven't resumed my family history investigations. Last couple of mos., seemed to fly by quite quickly, and I was busy quite a few outstanding issues w/our apartment, and the landlady. But I want to resume the family tree, once I resolve whatever is going on with the email.
I am happy to hear that Gary's son is out of the hospital. I will keep all of you in my thoughts. Oh, have you by any chance made the chutney? I have not, but should try it out. I thought that it could be a nice gift for Christmas. Well, that of course is only if it comes out good. O.K., Emjo, take care, Much Love! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,
Well I am so glad that your sister is doing the Wednesday's visits with your mom.
If your mother is now in need of actual visits, rather than phone calls, this is a marked improvement on your sister's behalf. Real good, sure that time you told her she had to step up to the plate had an impact, the boundaries.
I still don't know what plans are for Thanksgiving. Truth be told, I'm kind of not looking forward to seeing my sister orchestrate everything again. I just saw her do this for her first grandson's birthday party two weeks ago. She just absolutely overdoes everything she becomes involved with. But we shall see.
O.K., Sharymarie, take care and don't work too hard. Much Love, Margeaux
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Hi, Austing. Possibly so that he does not grasp her decline. At 87, he is declining himself. I've heard from my mother that he often falls asleep in his wheel chair for much of his visit with her (they stay several hours). I find that she will talk some and after that begins to look at the TV, fall asleep, maybe say something more, look at the TV and fall asleep again. While she enjoys talking, I can tell the main thing she likes is that someone is in the room with her. I stayed a little over an hour on my last visit and about fell asleep watching the TV with her once she was out of her talking mode. Then on top of my usual depression, I end up very depressed for two days. Yesterday was a good day as I got into the afternoon and evening. Today has been a good day also, but I feel drained tonight. Next Wednesday, I take my wife to see her orthopedic surgeon for pre-op followed by going to eat Thanksgiving with her mom and twin sister plus her husband. With the wheel chair taking the whole trunk, our boys will have to travel in a separate vehicle. We were going to rent a special hotel room for my wife, but those are so expensive and it would mean getting another room just for the boys. My wife remembered that her mother has a walk in shower in her duplex and will take her showers there. So, we are getting a basic hotel room with two double beds like we normally do.
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HI everyone, call me crazy but I dropped the mnl off for the 4 hr break at the church n ran around crazy getting stuff done. I had enough time to sat down n get something eat. I rushed through it for I needed to run to the grocery store for odd/ends. I grab one of those little baskets n started my run for I had 20mints to get it all, get n check out line n rush to pick her up. Those four hrs go fast! Anyway, while looking n picking I notice the store was pretty full n why was everyone hovering over the turkeys n ham n then it done on me, duh! Thanksgiving is next freaking week. OMG! I have nothing.... So, I rush to grab a spiral ham n through it in the basket got the bread, water bottles n etc n just about dragging the basket. I made it out n time but where does the time go? I had completely forgotten about the holiday. Well, at least we have a ham n some bread for starters. ; 0
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Well today was not so great, I found out I'm not getting Wednesday off. I am deeply disappointed especially after I was told I could have it. We will skip Thanksgiving this year as my hubby has to work a 12 hour shift on Friday so he won't be home till 8pm. My son has to be back at work the day after Thanksgiving. I'm not sure if he is still going to come up to visit or wait for another time. I will get to see my daughter but not have a family gathering.
I also found out today my mom cancelled her Long Term Health Care policy!!!! I don't know if it can be reinstated, my sister hopes to find out tomorrow. Mom won't be able to get a "new" policy because she has a pre-existing condition. Mom told Helen (the woman who balances her check book) that she cancelled it so me and my sis can't put her in a nursing home. I am angry because her attorney's attitude about mom's situation was just...Oh well, it's her life. Guess what, if any of us could say, "It's my life" and not recognize that we still affect the rest of our family members is sadly mistaken. It's not because of an inheritance or lack there of that angers me. Its the unnecessary stress mom creates because she can't leave anything alone. She has always been this way.Anyway...enough venting, I have too much to be happy about and more things to take care of here at home.
My kitty has been under the weather the last few days, not eating, not playing. He seems better tonight...he ate this morning and little more tonight and was playing earlier. Hopefully I can avoid a vet bill and see how the the Tiger cat is tomorrow.
Joan~I am happy to hear Clay is home recovering. He probably is more comfortable at home with family!! Sending my healing thoughts to you, Gary and family. Fibromyalgia is very painful from what I know about it. Take care!!
Margeaux~Good to hear from you!!! Hope your sister doesn't go overboard for Thanksgiving. There is nothing worse than a person who orchestrates the whole day, Lol!!
Cmag~I hope all works out with your wife and the upcoming appts. How hard it must be using crutches for such a long time. It does sound like you step father is just oblivious to your mothers decline. I understand how sad it makes you feel when you visit her.It sounds like your Thanksgiving plans are made so enjoy the time with your family!
Lildeb~Crazy, Crazy, Crazy you are, Lol!! I hope you hear soon on the results of the biopsy. It sounds more to me like you have together girl!!
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sharynmarie, I am so sorry to hear about your terrible day in which your mother canceled her long term care policy and to do so for such a ridiculous reason that is contrary to why one buys such a thing to begin with.

My mother had been wisely paying for one for years, but did not tell anyone about it and when I discovered it did not want to use it plus she had not benefited at all from the riders that she put on it for home health care and home builder care. I was so glad to learn that she had placed the premium payments on auto pay from the bank. While it does not pay her whole bill, it is good to have. However, that is another thing that my step-dad does not understand. Somehow, he thinks that this long term insurance plan is keeping my mother a prisoner in the nursing home. Thus, he is not helping support her financially in the nursing home at all, but he could. But no, the extra financial support has to come from her private accounts. His son tells me that I can't access the money in their joint account for her support because she has not put money in that account for years. I told him that while I could see his reasoning, that I did not agree with him for that is not how banks view joint accounts and as my mother's POA, if she needs funds from that account, I can draw them for her care which made him mad.

At face value, my Thanksgiving plans sound good. However, my MIL has never been that enjoyable to be around. She is 'mommy dearest' reincarnate. She has a very negative view of men because of some things that her brothers did to her while growing up as kids. It is a real strain on my wife for she lived under the brunt of her mom's rule more than her sister did. Her sister got raised more by her nurturing, passive, dependent dad who was the most enslaved man that I've ever seen. How his wife treated him was beyond henpecking!!! She misses him because he is no longer around to do for her. Needless to say, but neither I nor my sons really like going up there all that much, but my wife feels obligated to go. Our youngest son found a winter internship over winter break, partially so that he could miss the drama of such a dysfunctional family system that we always have to visit for Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. Just like I have not felt up to putting a lot of decorations out for the fall and pre-thanksgiving, I am not up to decorating much for Christmas either beyond just a few things and and much smaller tree this year.

Love, hugs and prayers to all!
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Well, Cmagnum, there goes my hoping that you and your family will have a relaxing family reunion! Gee, whiz! More stress added to you and the family! Please don't tell me that you guys also go there for Christmas! If you do, I think it's time that you and wife start your own Xmas tradition..Later..

Hi Sharyn, Margeaux, Austin and Lildeb!
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I do not miss holidays with the husband at all with all the drama at all. I keep the holidays as simple as I can and will cook dinner here but not sure who is comming or what time-I may decorate for Christmas or not. I am not going out to my sister's this year-I have been away so much with the wedding and mom's illness and death-I need to stay put for a while and will go out after the holidays to clean out mom's apartment.
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book, two things will make Thanksgiving good. One, my SIL is a very nice person to be around. Two, we stay in a hotel instead of in anyone's house.

Yes, we go there for Christmas too. I did change this several years ago so that we would have our own Christmas day at our house, but that only lasted so long. Now my wife's reasoning is that she does not think her mother, in her eighties, will live much longer. Frankly, the best thing for both my wife and my SIL will be having a life more of their own once the drama queen is gone.

The best change that has not changed that I was able to get done was not letting my MIL go on vacations with us which changed back in 2003 after doing so since the birth of our first child back in 1991. My wife was so overly attached to her mother and so worried about her inheritance that she would not hear to her mother not going with us on our vacations although her worshipfullness, mommy dearest, borderline drama queen always created a scene. I was too tolerant of all that mess which I did not like. I'm glad she got her mother issues dealt with in therapy and I am glad to have gotten mine dealt with in therapy also.

Frankly, I've not really ever had much of my own Christmas for even as a child and a teenager, part of the divorce settlement was that one parent got me for Christmas week one year and the next year the other parent got me.

Well, there is my venting for the day!
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Venting is good and that is what we do here-and very well I might add.
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Cmag~I can see why you feel as you do. My mother makes her own drama too at every family function and by doing what she just did by cancelling the LTC policy. She has Alzheimer's so now she will have to pay out of pocket when she does have to be in a NH. Personality disorder vs. Alzheimer's is a constant struggle for mom to have logical thinking.
Lets all focus on happy thoughts and do something nice for immediate loved ones and ourselves. I am going to go buy some needed clothing...shopping therapy!! :=))
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Sharymarie I am not sure how much LTC pays in the nursing home also it might mess up medicaide-I have had my policy for many years and I think most of its purpose to delay nursing home placement and be taken care of at home but since she has dememtia maybe the insurance company could be made to reinstate her-it might be worth a try. you deserve to go shopping-I belong to a caregivers support group along with other former caregivers and the people running the group gave us a lucheon today and I almost felt guility going home to a qieut home-my friend and I did not have this available when we were caregivers so we do as much as we can to support current caregivers.
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Some long term care policies have are limited. Others, like my mothers, last for the lifetime of the person. I've been told by the folks at the NH that if my mother were to exhaust all of her resources, then medicaide would pay what her LTC program does not cover which right now is $2,500.

sharynmarie, I hope you found your 'retail therapy' to be therapeutic.
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I thank God for Nancy and Helen! Both these ladies are helping us with mom because mom doesn't communicate to me and sis due to her paranoia. My mom's policy is limited, it pays up to a certain $$ amount. I do not know what it pays monthly for a NH. I have been trying to get my sis to check that out??? Anyway, Nancy called me this morning telling me the payment for mom's LTC is due today. So I went over to mom's and talked with her. I told her you really need to pay this mom, if you want to stay at home having home healthcare, this policy covers that and you won't pay the full amount out of pocket. She wrote the check out and I mailed it at the post office. Plus we found out that this policy has a 60 day grace period, so all is good for the next month and hopefully we can find out more on what it pays monthly if/when mom is placed. In the mean time we are going to try to get the payment on automatic withdrawal thru moms debit card.

Yes, retail therapy helped so much!!! I picked up a few things I have been neglecting to get for myself.
Austin~You are such a kind person helping to support current caregivers. Don't feel guilty for going home to a quiet house, you deserve that and have earned it. The point is you are still giving of yourself and I and everyone else appreciates it!!
Hugs to you, Cmag and everyone else!!!
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I'm glad to hear about the 60 day grace period and that your mom wrote a check for this month's premium. Yes, it would be great if you could get it put on auto pay directly from her checking account.
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wow sharyn -glad you got the payment in for the insurance policy. Also glad you did some retail therapy
I know the holidays are occupying many people's minds - lildeb - u forgot - I could do that!
I will be back tomorrow - a few more aches and pains getting in the way - arthritis in my typing hand now that the fibro has settled down - always something.
cmag -maybe time for your own holidays!
margeaux - hope your sis is not too overbearing
book - the black leopard print jeans sound great -I was visualizing something more startling...
looks like I will be travelling to Ontario in a few weeks.with G who has business there I have a friend there I haven't seen in years and we are hoping to get together -would be nice.
more later - Joan
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I never thought in a million years that my siblings would basically abandon my dad and myself. Not my family..we were too close, too loving....TOO BLIND!
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Emjo –too many leopard prints nowadays. I don’t like to follow the crowd. The jeans that I bought is quite subtle but really pretty.

Hi, CloseToTheEdge – I have 7 siblings. For 23 yrs father and I took care of my mom who has Alzheimer. 23 years of not much help. I have friends – 3 – whom the family pitched in to help their Alzheimer parent or stroke-ridden parent. So, I always thought that it was just OUR family that was messed up. Attended my 1st and only therapy and still didn’t believe the therapist when he quoted a very high number on which families do NOT help with the parent. Then I found this site, and over and over, you read of different posters struggling like me and you – in which our siblings do Not Help. Last year father had a stroke so I’m now caring for 2 bedridden parents. Long story short – I have taken YEARS to get where I am in which some of my siblings are now helping just last year and one more this year – 4 out of 7 is now helping.

Can you tell us more background information? Maybe someone here who is going what you are going through will be able to give you some advice….
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Book~I have been looking for a leopard print shirt/blouse but haven't found one that looks real. Most I have seen come in different colors and remind me more of army fatigues than animal print.

You all have heard the saying, It takes a village to raise a child...well, it also takes a village to care for the elderly.

Close to the edge~Welcome to the thread!! We hope to hear more from you. You will get lots of support to help you.
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Sharyn - I see so many animal prints at Ross, Kmart and even Macys. I can't stand those prints. I see it and see "old fashion". It's "In" now but when fashion goes, it will be soooo out-of-date. I do own ...1 brown animal print blouse - very obvious print. That's why I was trying to find more of the black jean subtle print. I think it's a great style - even if the prints go out of fashion, the jeans will still look sharp!

Thanks, Cmag for the info. I was feeling bad that maybe I put my foot in my mouth. Did you see the post I put in earlier from work about STRESS? I didn't have time to put it in all the threads that I visit daily. I only put it in YOU and Gross. I wonder if it will work if I copy and paste it from one thread to this? Let me give it a try. I think it's a good one!
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Book that post about stress was great-thank you for sharing it with us.
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This is an email that was sent to our office email. I thought it was appropriate for US caregivers!......

STRESS....everybody has it.

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...
She fooled them all ..... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*
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I haven't seen leopard/animal print on jeans or pants except pajamas. Thanks for the info on the stores.
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Joan, I'm not sure what taking my own holidays would look like? Our youngest son is so glad to have an internship over winter break so that he does not have to go up to grandmas. He wishes that he had something else to do for Thanksgiving than drive 8 hours home one day, the next day ride 3 hours to grandmas only to ride back 3 hours on Saturday and drive back 8 hours to college. However, his car does need some repair which he could have had done during fall break which he did not come home for.
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just lost a post on another thread but will try here -
cmag -why don't you think about what you would want for a holiday? That does not sound like much fun for your son - or the rest of you
book - thanks for the post - I saved one off facebook about the 12 things happy people do differently and may try to post here later. I have a black/grey animal print wrap my daughter gave me. I like it and one beige/brown tank top, as well as a jump suit. You can find quite a number of variations of animal prints these days - zebra for example. I like the newer ones - more subtle.
closeto the edge - hope you get some help and do some good things for you, We have to look after ourselves any way we can.
austin -not an easy time for you I am sure. Just because a parent passes, it doesn't mean all the feelings go away. How are you doing?
sharyn - hope you find the right print. We all need a pick-me-up
margeaux -how's it going?
everyone -thinking of you
Toonie and I are semi hibernating - too cold out there at 23 degrees.
G and I are travelling east early in December. He has a business meeting and I have friend nearby who I haven't seen in years. We will stay a few days with them, and also make a trip to Niagara Falls, hopefully. I understand it is quite a bit warmer there, even though it is winter. I am looking forward to the break.
Love and hugs to everyone Joan
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I am going to look at Ross today. I like the blouses with brown/black/tan. Mostly I see pink, blue, green with small spots...that is why I say they remind me of army fatigues. I like the zebra print too.
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