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oh boy, I definitely fit in here. I am the caregiver for my ex mother in law who lives with my ex husband. He is an addict, and she has dementia and is mean, mean mean. I got the job of caregiver by default, but there is no one else, and I seem to be able to calm her down and get her to listen. But I don't know how to deal with her smart aleck behavior and meanness.
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Margeaux, my wife will not listen to reason about not leaving home for Thanksgiving which I and my therapist thinks is a bad idea. We also don't think the doctor will go forward with the knee surgery on December 6th when he learns about her injuries on her good leg tomorrow in our pre-op meeting. She wants to take the bedside tolliet that we have borrowed from church with us to use in the hotel room. This is going to be a rough holiday. I guess that I could have said, well I'm not driving you there no matter how bad you want to go because you are in no condition to go. BTW, she talked with her mother today and told her that she and her sister could visit her in the hotel lobby while we are up there. That's great. :(. This means 3 days of eating out or taking out and bringing back to the hotel for 4 people over 3 days with two nights in the hotel. I'm ready to exploud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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cmag - scripturally you are the head of the house. It sounds like far too much to drive, visit in the lobby, take a toilet etc.. I agree that it is a bad idea. Your wife has a limiting physical condition - it comes to us all sooner or later. What would her doctor say about her taking the trip? Would he back you up? I think you could just say no. It definitely is in everyone's best interests. (((((hugs)))) Joan
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This is a very big battle for me since I don't like confrontation and my wife like my mother is not submissive. Tonight's getting into bed problems made her wonder outloud about the beds in the hotel. Maybe she will wake up in the morning in more ways than one.

Rest sure is important and last night, I did not get much sleep. With her limited mobility, I got her some depends and a bed pad last night. Today, I checked out a bedside toilet from our church and rented a transport chair to help her in the house. Unlike last night, she could not get up into our bed tonight for it is on the high side and she is short. So, she is sleeping in the lowest bed we have. Our oldest son will just have to sleep in his brother's room since his brother likes to sleep on the sofa. What a day and week, this has turned into. Wew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good nite!
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Bookworm,

Thanks for the email and pointers about the Stress.
I really liked especially the last one, love chocolate!
Much Love, Margeaux
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This afternoon, we saw the doctor for my wife's knee surgery pre-op. The surgeon did not back me up today about not going at all. He did tell my wife that she could walk on that sprained ankle using her crutches, but if it is not healed in time for knee surgery on the opposite leg on December 6th to let him know. He also told her to just use the crutches to hope to the bathroom in the hotel room vs taking the bedside toilet. Well, the pre-op visit today was not a total lost, but once he said what he did about walk on it using your crutches, I made sure to ask about the trip and about the beside toilet. My wife only has three outfits that she can wear in this cold weather with her left knee brace and right foot ankle splint. I'm washing two of them tonight so that all three are clean for our three day trip. Also, the doctor did not think my wife qualified for our insurance to cover home health care now or post op.

This morning, we had to get some maintenance work done on our youngest son's car. The EGR valve had gone bad and a transmissioin sensor that keeps you from starting the car in gear. I've gotten my Highlander some running boards and had those put on today by the same mechanic.
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Cmagnum, I do feel for you n I do hope you n your family have a very blessed holiday. Look at that, u r their n able to at least try n help your son with the car situation. Also, that your wife can at least walk around a little bit with the crutches. That at least u have two sets of clothes that u have washed n r ready if you still decided to go on that trip. She is at least not going butt naked. I had to throw that in for you need to get a sense of humor with the mess you got going on. However, You are manage everything that crosses your path n that is amazing n I admire your strength n love that you are able to give during this time. Don;'t forget about yourself n take time to breath. Again, I hope that you n your family have a blessed n safe Thanksgiving. Smile we all love you....
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It's been about a week since I've been here. Most of my extra time (what little I have) has been spent trying to keep my mother too occupied to think about her other 3 children that really show no concern for her. We had a quiet Thanksgiving....just me and my mother. I never assume that we will receive an invitation, so we shopped for a Thanksgiving meal for just the 2 of us. It wasn't until late last night that my niece called and invited her to dinner, but she declined the offer. Mom thought it would make me feel bad since I did my best to make sure that we were able to have a celebration, even if it was just the 2 of us. I insisted that if she wanted to go, that I would gladly make sure she gets there. She sees me everyday......she sees them maybe 4 or 5 times a year. She told me that she wanted to stay right here at home since this home & this comfortable life that I try to give her is what she is most thankful for. Of course, I was in tears by then.

So we spent our day cooking & laughing. But out of the blue, she looked at me and asked, "What's wrong with my children???? What have I done that makes them treat me this way????" I had no answers because I could never do that to my mother & I certainly didn't understand how my siblings could.

We blessed our meal & gave thanks. I'm thankful for being able to do whatever I can for my mother, and she was thankful for me. It was a very powerful moment for us.
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Oh, Gabby! I feel so sorry for your mom. I can understand (somewhat) my family's attitude to the parents. We were raised in a very, very dysfunctional family. If I hadn't "found God" at age 23, I would have walked out and not look back. But, for regular family (loved, cared for, etc...), I just don't understand why the kids are so selfish. It's only me, me, me and me. They could have just visited or celebrated TG in the mid morning at your place or the night before. There are all kinds of ways of celebrating any holiday with their parent (if they did not want said parent on Their Holiday Celebration) by visiting said parent. You know - Compromise. Sigh... My bro and his family of next door - celebrated TG at our Front Porch but not one of them went inside to at least greet the parents.
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Yeah, Book, it's a crazy world. The thing that gets me is that growing up, we always had TG together, and my mom insisted on it. I guess they got tired of it. I could have done without all the cooking today, but it means a lot to her......so I did it. No harm done. I mean, I may have eaten waaaay too much. But I sacrificed nothing by continuing her holiday traditions. It's selfishness, alright........and they didn't learn it from her, so why direct it towards her???? It's sad to know that they will have regrets (when it's to late) about something that they get the chance to change EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!!!
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Well after being up late preparing for today's trip, we got here, ate out (some of the greasiest turkey that I have ever eaten-yuck), and now ready to crash much earlier than last night. Wife did much more this morning on her own getting ready. She survived the trip. I had to stop for some coffee to keep me awake at the wheel. This is my second week of functioning this well. However, I don't know how long this will last before I fall into another mood change into depression once again and want to sleep all the time. If this operation works on December 6th, we are looking at two weeks of being on crutches. We are both wondering how she is going to keep up our front steps after the knee surgery because she's not to put any weight on that leg for a while. We may have to have a ramp built and will really need one if she ends up with knee replacement surgery. I think that with her family coming over to the hotel lobby to visit tomorrow am, that I might stay in bed and sleep. We will drive back on Saturday. Unfortunately, the check engine light came back on my son's car and he goes back to college on Sunday. Thus, we can't take it back to the repair man, Thanks for the prayers, hugs, and support!
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Unfortunately in the US we are taught to be so completely individual and independent that when we grow up, get married and have children, we tend to only think of our own immediate family. Traditions are wonderful, comforting and bring about a sense of continuity, however, when we get married, we marry someone who has traditions too. In my case, both my family and my husband's family live 5-7 minutes drive from us. How do you find a happy medium when both families want their traditions and philosophy carried on with their grandchildren? I made mistakes on this and I have regrets. I can only go on from here teaching my adult children what I think is best based on my experience and hope my grandchildren are loving thoughtful people who will love and adore both sets of grandparents and honor those traditions that bring the most meaning of respect, integrity, dignity and honor to their lives. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with this issue and how to handle it. Hugs to everyone and may we all find happiness and thankfulness during this Thanksgiving season!!
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Hi Gaby,
It's anybody's guess why siblings and grandchildren would behave in this manner.
Your a wonderful daughter, that despite this behavior by the rest of the family to continue to do what you do. Yes, and it must have been a very revealing moment when your mom made this statement to you.
Since your mom declined this very late invitation from your niece, also speaks mountains about how grateful and honest she is with regards to you!!
Let's here it for sincerity!! I feel as if we live in a time where people are so not in line when it comes to being sincere, or real. You are right, that this has been a powerful moment for you. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Bookworm,

Wow!! Now was this your brother that didn't go in to say hello to your parents, or was it his kids also? No matter who it was, this is plain rude!! But this I feel is also a product of this narcissistic, and materialistic society we've created. Also, there appears to be such a tossing elders to the curb mentality. I am very sorry you have to experience this, since I know you are not one of these kinds of people. But as they say, "actions speak louder than words."
Much Love & Light, Margeaux
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Good Morning Everyone,
Did we eat enough turkey?
Well I called my sister a few days before TG, to see what I should bring for our dinner. At the end of our conversation, she told me mom wanted to say hello and passed the phone to her, which is quite unusual. When I asked mom how she felt, mom said, "not so good." She then broke down crying saying, this wasn't a good time for her, since it was her first TG, w/o her sister (died a yr. ago). Of course she was the total narcissist. But I was glad to hear my mom release some of these pent up emotions about the sister. I know mom is the kind of person who has always held back her true feelings. My sister at times has been quite dismissive about mom's feeling also, since she lives there and had to experience my aunt first hand. But my sister is very good also denying others the right to feel their own true feelings. Boy, but when she gets on an emotional role she really lets you know about hers.
Overall, the gathering went well. Of course my sister was way overdoing it again.
So after I made several offers to help, and she kept going into, "oh, I could do it myself," I stopped offering and became a guest.
My brothers kids were there. He has four. Two of them have 2 children each.
One of them, a little girl of 8 yrs., never says hello to any of us, not even our mother, the kid's great grandmother. Neither her two parents, nor my brother ever correct her about this. So I purposely said hello to her by name as she passed mom and me. The kid walked right passed us w/o saying a word. So I in quite a loud voice said, that she never says hello. My brother heard this comment, and was trying to encourage her to come and greet us. But he totally spoils the girl, even calls her princess. HAAH! I really feel this is getting way too old for this kind of behavior by any child.
Other than that, it was good for mom to see all of us together, and she even met one new baby who is five mos. old.
How things have changed from one year ago, when we were going through the Hospice w/mom's sister who lived in mom's house. This year there were two new babies, so that was very cool.
O.K., going for some more Joe, and maybe a piece of apple pie. Margeaux
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Hi Margeaux~Enjoy that piece of pie!!
I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner today. I am trying to get motivated here but its not working, Lol!! I am wore out from work and my boss has been riding me something fierce the last two days. I suppose she will transfer me if she continues to not be happy with me. I am quiet at work but she says I talk too much and don't get enough work done, she works harder than I do and there is something wrong with that picture and blah, blah, blah. I ended up snapping at her yesterday cuz I just got tired of her tirade of criticism. Geez it was like being a kid again living with my mom with the endless negativity of my abilities. I don't use my time constructively, I talk too much, someone needs to take charge in the evening, this wasn't done, that wasn't done, why was Patsy late clocking out and on and on she went all day long.
Anyway, I am thankful I don't have to work today...Hahahaha!!
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Cmagnum,
How are you doing? Really sorry about the greasy turkey on top of everything else you've been, on top of lately! My brother made one of those deep fried turkeys, that many people make today. It was nothing from the other world in terms of taste.
Please try to get some kind of rest before hitting the road for your trip back.
You have made it through this holiday, but I'm sure you'll be more than happy to arrive at your home. O.K., my friend be safe, I'm thinking about you, Much Love,
Margeaux
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Margeaux, I laid down this morning some, but never actually fell asleep. I have had both of my nuvigil wake up pills for the day, but still feel tired or maybe my depression is returning. Yes, I will be glad to go home tomorrow and get this 3 1/2 drvie behind me. Our boys are having to leave today because of their college homework over the Thanksgiving break. Our youngest is still asleep after driving 8 + hours from where he attends college on Tuesday and riding up here for 3 1/2 hours, not to mention the homework that he has also. It normally takes two good nights of sleep to make up for staying up late one night. Thus, I will probably have much more energy for driving in the am. We will not leave here until probably after lunch.
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Hi Margeaux, I'm new here...nice to meet you all:-)

wanted to say that the little 8 yr old girl may have some sort of disability like the Autism spectrum, or Asperger's. That kind of behavior is quite standard w/ kids with this kind of diagnosis. Often even in families, siblings keep this a secret from other family members. I have a physical, mobility disability, had from birth. My family NEVER discussed it , which was super weird. I would hope her parents would at least get this dealt with at the school, with testing, etc, some good medical info, if she hasn't been tested already.

-
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Hi disgusted. When I read Margeaux's description of the 8 yr old niece, I thought of my 8 year old nephew. He has ... AHD or something...the one where they are hyper and can't sit still or concentrate on one thing too long. He was very quiet. Wouldn't talk and would play video games all day. I would call out, "Hi Miah!" and he would walk right be without looking at me or acknowledging me at all. Irritated me so much. This happened for years. Then just this year, he was walking outside his home, and I called out (live next door), "Hi Miah!" And this time, I kept calling it until he stopped, looked at me, and then said, "Hi Aunty!" After that, when I see him, I call out to him and he responds back. And if he sees me first from his 2nd floor apartment, he will call down to me, "Hi Aunty!" and I will greet him enthusiastically. He used to be on drugs for his A-H-D something. But his mom quit giving him because he was like a zombie. But, his mom explained to me that he can only concentrate on one thing at a time. He cannot multi-task at all. When he does one thing, he concentrates 100% on it, and blocks out everything else. So, now, I don't get irritated any more.
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We had a good Thanksgiving dinner today...my mom, sis, daughter and son-in-law. It's been 2 years since my mom and sis have seen my daughter so it was a nice visit for them. Of course my daughter noticed a big change in mom, mostly she noticed that mom had aged considerably. I told her Alzheimer's does that too, I hate this disease.
After dinner we sat around talking about the things parents tell their kids to avoid a big explanation to the question the child asked. My son-in-law told us when he was little, he was riding in the truck with his dad and he noticed his dad didn't have his foot on the gas pedal. He asked his dad how the truck was moving when he wasn't using the gas. His dad told him there was a little a man in the engine running on a wheel, Lol!! My sil said the next day he crawled under the truck with a flashlight looking for the little man and his dad came out and saw what he was doing. We had a good laugh about that, other stories too but that one was a classic!!
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Sharyn, that is sooooo funny! I hope you don't mind that I put it in my FUNNY-AC file? Thanks!
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Hi Disgusted,
My brother's grand daughter is the first grandchild in that household.
She has been living at my brother's house, since his daughter had her very young, is unmarried and at first the boyfriend was out of the picture, now he's in., which is good. The kid has 3 uncles, who also live in that household. So between all of them they completely spoil her. She interacts, talks and I have seen her emotionally connect with them, and has friends. So my description of her was not of the nature that she's completely quiet, or completely in emotional disconnect mode within her own family. Even my brother's sons and daughter, they're nice people, but when it comes to manners, social skills they rank pretty low on the totem pole. Some people just do not find it valuable to teach their children, grandchildren some basic concepts about something as easy as saying hello. I guess I use the measure I was brought up with since our dad trained us at a very early age to do this. Of course, I remember going to family functions and getting tired of the drill in the car by dad instructing all of us that we were to give everyone a hug and kiss, as soon as we arrived. If dad ever got the vibe we weren't following through, he would come over and remind us again. So I got the picture. This is training, that every parent hopefully does, or their kids become socially disabled. But the girl's own mother, is real out to lunch also. She brought her 5 mo. old, sniveling w/some kind of flu bug to mom's on Thanksgiving. There's plenty of social dysfunction in that household. I also made this comment towards my brother, because he is a big grandstander in our family. He once was the POA for mother, but it got taken away, because he's irresponsible and also was the golden child of both mom and dad. So you see, even this child's grand father, because he was favored, from the siblings, so I suspect this has something to do with why my brother doesn't take note, to his clan's behavior.
My brother has an enormous ego, but honestly he hasn't been much of a disciplinarian. He behaves way more as our mother did, when we were kids.
Thank you for your input Disgusted. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,
I guess that was Friday you cooked your Thanksgiving? I didn't log in last night,
was rather exhausted from Thanksgiving. Well I'm sure everything came out real yummy!
Every year at mom's my sister makes so much food. My sister in law, her daughter, another niece and me bring side dishes. I always give my sister the option, that I could bring something more of the main dish, but there again she's controlling the show, on that end I've thrown the towel in. But usually we get sent home with one of those big square aluminum pans filled with just about everything. So last night I made brown rice, (fav. of mine), w/left over turkey,
and vegetables and a nice salad.
WOW, your boss sounds terrible! Shame on her spreading such negativity, and of all days, the fact that you were there on a day of thanks. Ungrateful person!!
I hope she calms down, for your sake.
How are mother and your sister doing? Well I hope you, and your own family had a wonderful dinner, and with someone like you, how could they not!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

p.s. " Have you seen Emjo around these parts?"
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Hi, drank some extra expresso coffee today to make sure that I stayed awake during the drive home during which my wife said that her left knee no longer hurt like it did when she injured it and she now wants to try a walker without her knee brace because the crutches are causing her right side and right hand (both of which were hurt in falling down the front steps). We shall see how this works. The main this is to do what we can to make sure that right foot is in good shape before the surgery on her left knee on December 6th. We still have not figured out how she is going to get up the front steps of our house after her surgery that day. I'm going to call around to various home health care places and see if they have an idea. Anyone here have an idea?
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Cmag - I tried to think of something but just can't imagine how you can get her on the steps. Temporary,portable ramp is not possible. If she's going to be in so much pain and unable to move - and you're unable to go up the stairs, the only think I can think of - ask if any friends/family can temporary have you all live with them until 2 weeks after her surgery. Or rent a decent room that you locals know that is cheap but safe - for 2 weeks after surgery? The alternate option is have her in a gurney, and you and your boys together carry her up the stairs? Sorry...never had experience on this.
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ah, I see, I was only responding to the recent post. Well, guess this child needs a little 'miss manners' book for a gift?!
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Cmag, don't know much about your situation, but portable ramps are very easy to find at Mobility equipment dealers. Depended on how many steps you have if they are a realistic solution...if it's 4-5 steps up, the ramp would have to be quite long. Good idea to try around calling. Places that sell wheelchair accessible vans usually have the whole gamut of mobility supplies. I know this because I use a manual wheelchair, and had a Rollater walker before due to a disability...and have only one step at my place and now have a metal ramp.
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A friend of mine purchased aluminium ramps from Lowes, they are different sizes and price ranges.
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Thanks! We have four steps at the front door. I will look into finding some aluminum ramps. I googled mobility ramps and discovered that we have a mobility equipment dealer in town. My wife will be able to move on crutches, but without being able to put any weight on the left leg where the out-patient arthroscopic knee surgery will be done. They expect her to be on crutches in the house or in the transport chair we have rented for about 2 weeks after surgery.
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