The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~We had a great dinner and it was a nice visit for my mom and sister with my daughter. We went out to breakfast this morning with our daughter and son-in-law and will do so again tomorrow...they leave for home tomorrow. I worked today, not off until Wednesday and tomorrow is our daughter's birthday so breakfast will be a celebration of the joy she has given us and continues to give to us!!

Sharynmarie,
I'm so happy for you that your dinner was a success.
So it sounds as if your mom and sis are cooperating also. I sure hope so, since I know with all the recent hills you've had to climb on that end, it's good to have a break from some of it. Well, enjoy the rest of the visit with your daughter, and a big Happy Birthday to her. Much Love, Margeaux

Something has been bothering me. I've written about what a control freak my sister is. Well last year when burial plans were being made for our aunt there was so much going on. In the midst of this, one day she called me. She said, "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but my daughter and her boyfriend had a date at the county courthouse, and were getting married the next afternoon. The only people to be there were my sister, my niece's dad, and her sister. I was of course very happy to hear this, since my niece and her guy had been together already for 4 years, and they had recently had their first baby about 2 mos. prior before. My sister also said something to me like, "don't let my daughter know that you know about this, blah di blah." Well, almost a year has passed, and there has never been any mention made, like a formal announcement of their marriage to the rest of the family, so we can congratulate them. So I've yet to congratulate my niece on account of this fact. But this makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable. There's more.......About a week ago, again my sister calls to tell me another one of these. She informed me that at a recent dinner, the same niece is pregnant with their second child, due in May. This is also a secret for now, since the couple doesn't want to make the announcement until the three month period has passed. O.K., I realize that it is really should be up to my niece to make the announcements whenever is she sees it is appropriate. But why does my sister tell me these things. I so dislike being put in this position, of knowing something as such, but being asked to feign the unknown. This niece is my God daughter also. Margeaux

Hi all - been having more fibromyalgia flareups bringing some bad pain. Trying to figure out what triggers it. The cold weather is one thing, It looks like sugar is another, not that I eat much of it, Found several places on the internet where people say that sugar triggers the pain, G likes desserts. I made a banana cake with raspberry sauce and a topping, and then had some, and I am paying for it. His cholesterol is a bit high so I need to make healthier desserts anyway - better for both of us. Seems worse now combined with the cold weather. Not much I can do about the weather except move south, and we need to talk about that. It is in the long term plan, but when???

sharyn sounds like you had a great holiday, cmag sounds like you didn't, Glad you have found a ramp for you front steps. margeaux - yours was OK I guess - the usual sis control issues
austin - was your OK, and lildeb
gabby - sounds like you and ur mum had a good time. re those who do not help, i am not sure they will ever regret it. They probably had distorted views, and think things are right just as they are. This is how my sis is - not only should I be the one to help mother, but, if she could get me to, she would have me helping her too!. Like my mother, she wants servants.
disturbed - hi - I have a physical issue from birth too, and what I picked up as a child was that it was to be hidden - not healthy!
book - sounds like you related well to that nephew. Hope your health is holding out.

Here mother emailed in a panic that she was being evaluated, and was afraid that she would be put into a nursing home. I asked her who was doing the evaluation, for what purpose, and told her to contact her doctor who ordered home care, I got no answers, but she called a friend who came over, and was supportive and that seems to be what was needed. Someone will come over to do another evaluation next week, but they are not government people, she says, so she is not worried now, I told her to have them contact me, but she didn't respond to that, so not much I can do. She says her health is the same, that she hasn't deteriorated, so she should be OK where she is with home care 4x a day. I suspect the evaluation is by home care, to see if she needs them as much, but I really don't know. The lady friend who came over is younger and competent, so hopefully she can help if it is needed, as I do not have enough information. I also told mother that there are other places with levels of care that she could move to if she needs more care than they can give her where she is. She knows that, but will resist moving, However, think it is wise to remind her, as one day she may need such a place. In addition, I told her when she writes things like telling me she never wants to see me again, it strains the relationship, and she shouldn't be surprised that i don't answer for a while, and keeping things pleasant would be better.

Hope everyone has a good day! (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Joan

Margeaux~That is unusual that the bride and groom would not want to share their happy news of their marriage. I understand keeping the pregnancy under wraps until after the third month, many people do that for different reasons. You know your sister best and all I can do is speculate that maybe she is excited about the news but just can't keep it to herself so she tells you knowing you will not say anything. It could be part of her need to control whereby she just won't keep a confidence and tells someone anyway. Does your sister turn to you to bounce things off of when she is struggling with something? That's my 2 cents worth hope it helps. Hugs to you today!!

margeaux - i appreciate that you are put into an uncomfortable position by your sister. Can you tell her that you don't want to be informed about things that have to be kept secret? That you will wait for your god-daughter/niece to tell you her personal stuff when she is ready to. Until then, you don't want to hear it. I found with my sis I have to be quite direct, and then she gets it better. Family secrets are another control/dysfunctional thing. ((((((hugs))))) Joan

H Sharynmarie,
Yes, I think it is weird that the married couple would keep this to themselves.
My niece although is somewhat emotionally distant at times. Even though I'm her God mother from Baptism, we really do not have a super close relationship. Of course you can imagine my sister totally had her hand in that.
The news about the pregnancy is a different story, I agree with you. But anyway
my sister I feel it's another attempt at putting me in the middle of things, that honestly don't concern me at all.
My sister isn't really the bounce off type of person, either. If she says something to me, I usually feel it's in a crisis or she uses poor judgement as in this case.
Thank you for your input. Much Love, Margeaux

Bad news. I contacted the mobility people here and our steps are too steep for a temporary ramp and we don't need a permanent ramp. I don't know what to do now other than ask the doctor to right up an order for my wife to go into rehab for 2 weeks.

Front door and back door too? That is a problem. Would an ambulance take her home and bring her in on a stretcher?

Back door is sliding glass door off of deck with three steps that are wider than the front brick steps. The rails on the back steps are narrower and thus easier to hold onto. We are going to experiment with the back steps soon to see if that works. Going to have to slide the breakfast table to the side so that hopefully she has enough room to crutch past it after going through the sliding glass door.

I doubt that an ambulance would bring her home since this operation is taking place in another city 45 minutes away. The side steps would not work either because they lead into a screened in porch and does not have any railing and there is not enough room for a 10 foot ramp.

DSM: That's exactly how I feel. I wish We had put mom in assisted living or a nursing home 4 years ago instead of buying a bigger house so she could live with us. Mom is 80 years old & She doesnt have the sense God gave a grasshopper, and never has. And it doesnt matter how much you do for her it is never enough. Mom is a bottomless pit of need and trys to suck the life right out me. I work full time and manage every detail of mom's financial needs so she has zero responsibilities except to take care of herself while I'm at work. I've been upset for 2 days since she screamed at me when I asked her to stop locking me out of the house. She called me a bitch and said all I ever do is bitch. This is pretty funny because it's just not true. She will even follow the housekeeper around telling her every little twisted lie she can think of and talks ugly about me & my hubby. What I do is try and make sure her every need is provided and to keep her safe. I could write a book and probably should. But I feel I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I can not communicate with my mother - even when I try and just have a conversation about the weather, the dog, a tv show it doesn't matter, she is either totally goofy or hateful. She whistles all the time - drives me nuts. My husband has more patience for her than I do. We have to clean up her messes when we get home everyday. And if i say, hey you wanta go clean your mess up you left in the kitchen? She'll go nuts and start screaming. Then sometimes she'll act all pitiful and sweet and call me "baby girl" and "sweetheart" which is pretty funny knowing the next minute or the next day I'll be called a bitch again.

Sounds like a plan, cmag. Can you get a ramp for the back stairs?

(((((((Godsgirl))))))) not sure what DSM means unless you are looking for a diagnosis for your mum, but I get the rest of your post. It does sound like your mum has a personality disorder/narcissism. I think you can communicate just fine, but she cannot receive/process it normally. You are doing a great job of looking after her, but she is not appreciating it. With a narcissist, you can never do enough, she will suck the life out of you. There are always criticisms, complaints and sometimes outbursts. There is a thread here about a gal - Lisa (Survived2) who took her mother in for two years, and it was a disaster. Her abusive mum (labelled the DQ - drama queen) is now in assisted living, and Lisa has little to do with her. There is a thread, and you may want to take the time to read it, and see how you can extricate yourself. Your mum may not be quite as bad as Lisa's, but defintely bad enough for you to do something about placing her elsewhere. Here is a link to the beginning of that thread. https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/Cant-care-for-mean-and-hateful-mother-anymore-150326.htm
What happened was that Lisa contacted local agencies - aging and social services, told them about the abuse, and got their help to place her mother. Her husband and family were very supportive of her. There is a website I will recommend to you, too, but can't (they don't allow it) post the link here. Google "daughters of narcissistic mothers" and you will find much helpful information.
You are being emotionally abused by her, and no one should live like that. If she does not have the financial resources for assisted living, medicaid can be applied for. I doubt you will get any sense discussing it with her. I have found with my mum -(borderline personality disorder and narcissism) that I just have to tell her what my limits are. I can do certain things, I cannot or will not do other things. She gets mad, bad mouths me to relatives etc, sucks in my sister to heap on more abuse- whatever. I stick to my guns. I would never take her in, as I know she would ruin my life - like you nothing is ever enough, and she has absolutely no interest, or appreciation of my needs or limits.
I hope your husband would be supportive of arranging a move for your mum. You probably are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have PTSD from childhood, and started getting flashbacks a year or two ago, when my mum's demands escalated, and I live in another city. My mum is 100, in an ALF, and in pretty good health. I am 75, recovering from systemic candiasis, and have fibromyalgia, and decided I simply have to draw very firm boundaries, as I can't have her ruining trhe rest of my life, and health. be careful - your health can suffer. I am entitled to some peace, and so are you. Can you stand living like this for another 4 years? What will it do to your health? If you just want to come and vent, that is OK. too. We will listen and be supportive. Detaching - emotional distancing helps. You have to accept how your mum is, expect the bad behaviour and know that you didn't make her as she is, and you can't fix her. Sick people manipulate others through FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. It is good to get a handle on this and not respond to any of those. There is a good book with a workbook "Stop Walking on Eggshells Taking your Life back..." by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger that would likely be helpful in learning how to handle your relationship with your mum, but I would still recommend that she live elsewhere. If you suggest it, she will no doubt get and and "pitch a fit", but that is her choice and her problem. Don't let it be yours. They will bully if you let them.
Please, for your own sake, do something to protect yourself from more abuse. You deserve better. More ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Joan

Joan - Thank You Thank You Thank You. (DMS was a typo - ha). Whew I didn't think I could write so much - it just all gets so bottled up for so long. I will definitely check out the sources to read you mentioned. Thank you again for the encouragement - Rebecca

((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))) Glad if I can help. Do come back and let us know how you are doing. You are walking a very difficult path. Don't underestimate how it affects you, and feel free to come back and unload. Living with someone who is mentally ill is extremely stressful, especially when you have been exposed to it for a lifetime. I have gone to counselling/therapy off and on during my life, and would recommend it. I am going right now, in fact. Life can get better - one way or another!

margeaux - looking back I see that you asked about Toonie and me, and I missed it. Yes, we hibernate together. The winter is hard here Minus 2 right now and it will go down into the minus 30s. i want to move south!!!

envision, yogibear and kdwildflower -sorry I missed you., I have been down with some bad fibromyalgia, Sounds like you all have dysfunctions to deal with. No one should have to put up with abuse,
envision, I agree with austin about calling a social worker to make a plan to get your sis out of your houses I am glad you set a firm limit about how she treats your dog - you can also set a limit about how she treats you.
yogi -I read somewhere that you were going to look into reporting the rape you suffered - did you ever do that?
kd - the meanness must be hard on you. Setting boundaries is good - walking away from any mean talk - you dont have to stay and take it`, Nor do you HAVE to look after your mil. You could check with the agency of aging, and social services to find other resources for her. Your ex and his mum sound like quite a pair!

Everyone -be sure to look after yourselves - dont let others abuse you!
(((((hugs)))))) Joan

Margeaux~You are very right about your sister and after seeing your post I realized how off the mark I was. I admit I am still naive when dealing with people. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and end up being wrong in most cases. I am happy you know you sister enough to realize she is putting you in the middle of things which gives her control (at least in her mind). You are wise in understanding her ploy.

Joan~I still struggle with letting people abuse me in the sense that I don't always know if I am being abused or not. I know this sounds weird but my singles have been invalidated for so long that sometimes I just don't realize it. I tend to be literal and don't read between the lines well. Not on this thread, but on other threads, I have backed off because I am not sure if I have read the person right. I don't want to make a nuisance of myself by seeking support or info if I have gotten the feeling they think I am focusing on them. Wow...this is a major admission of my dysfunction!!
I am so sorry of your pain due to the fibromyalgia. I hope that Clay is continuing to recovery within the limits he is able.
Working extra hours cuz a pregnant co-worker is out with pneumonia so I am rescheduling some things such as taking my moms dog to the vet for a possible hernia exam. Mom is doing as best as she can and I seem to be able to work things out with her without difficulties lately so what works I continue to do with her.
Hope you all have a wonderful week!! Weather wise we are still in the high 60's during the day, tonight when I left work at 9pm it was hazy out so the annual fog is starting to make it's appearance, Lol!!

Here is some info I found on the net regarding emotional abuse. I hope it helps others and well as myself.

Emotional abuse is negative behaviors and attitudes. Some examples of emotional abuse are the following:

Humiliation and degradation
Discounting and negating
Domination and control
Judging and criticizing
Accusing and blaming
Trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations
Emotional distancing and the ‘silent treatment’
Isolation
Emotional abuse can also include more subtle forms of behavior such as:

Withholding of attention or affection
Disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior
Sulking and pouting
Projection and/or accusations
Subtle threats of abandonment (either physical or emotional)
I also want to give examples of abusive attitudes, please be aware if these are the attitudes of folks you know or are involved with:

Believing that others should do as they say
Not noticing how others feel
Not caring how others feel
Believing that everyone else is inferior to them
Believing that they are always right
Emotional abuse is considered by many to be the most painful form of violence and the most detrimental to self-esteem. This may because it last so long without any intervention or acknowledgement. It can slowly eat away at the person’s self-confidence and sense of self. Now I don’t want everyone reading this to start thinking they are being emotionally abused or the abuser, because that’s not true. We’ve all done this things from time to time, we’re human and fallible so some of these things we’ve had or loved ones have done but emotional abuse has a clear and consistent pattern. Even if it’s unconciously it has to have that clear and consistent pattern to be emotional abuse. I have a questionnaire from the book that will help you figure out if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is ‘inappropriate’? Do you feel you must ‘get permission’ before going somewhere or before making even the smallest of decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend, or does he attempt to control your spending (even though he has no problem spending on himself)?
Does your partner treat you as if you are ‘less than’ or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point of reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren’t as attractive as she is?
Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions and feelings?
Does your partner constantly belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?
Do you find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behavior and/or watching for your partner’s bad moods before bringing up a subject?
Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Do you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spent with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you’re still with him, even though you’ve complained to them many times about the way he treats you?
Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and with whom you will do it?
Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affection or sex if you don’t do things his way?
Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do things her way?
Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs even though it isn’t true?
Does your partner feel he or she is always right?
Does your partner seem impossible to please? Does she constantly complain to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?
Does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others
Does your partner blame you for his or her problems? For example, does he claim it is your fault he flies off the handle and starts screaming? Does he tell you he wouldn’t do it if you didn’t make him so mad? Are you to blame for her problem with compulsive overeating? Because she has a drinking problem? Does he blame you for not being able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming an actor (author, singer, musician, etc.)?
Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?
Does your partner’s personality seem to go through radical changes? Is she pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? does he become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Does she experience periods of extreme elation followed by periods of severe depression? Does his personality seem to change when he drinks alcohol?
Does your partner tease you, make fun of you, or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? When you complain, does he tell you it was just a joke and that you are too sensitive or don’t have a sense of humor?
Is your partner unable to laugh at herself? Is she extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of her or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when he is wrong? Does she make excuses for her behavior or tend blame others for her mistakes?
Does your partner constantly pressure you for sex or try to persuade yo to engage in sexual acts that you find disgusting? Has he ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with him or who will engage in the activities he is interested in?
If you answered yes to more than half of these questions, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. But yes to just a few can indicate you are in a emotionally abusive relationship. Once again, what characterizes a emotionally abusive relationship is consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating and condescending behavior. Emotional abuse has no gender, that’s why he/she were used in the questions, anyone can be abused or an abuser. NPD are emotional abusers but not all emotional abusers are NPD and NPD are over 70% male. Although most of the questions above seem like obvious abuse, you also have to remember that many emotoinal abusers are very subtle and manipulative and can and will abuse people without the person quite being able to catch on as I said before, they are masters of the gaslight. I would suggest again that if you think you’re being emotionally abused, you do some deep thought about your relationship. Emotional abusers can get help because many are abusing out of habit and may not be aware of what they are doing but it’s up to you. But I would certainly suggest that if you’ve been a relationship like this, you get the therapy you need to overcome the damage that comes along with this kind of abuse. I did this because now more than ever I think emotional abuse is rampant in all kinds of relationships but particularly in intimate relationships and people need to know they aren’t just overreacting, you may be actually getting abused. Since it’s not obvious all the time like physical or verbal, folks who are being abused or folks who care about the abused may downplay it to everyone’s detriment. This is a serious and prevalant form of abuse and needs to understood and acknowledged. Next week I’ll be talking more about NPD and patterns of abuse. I hope this has helped someone to get out a relationship like this or avoid it all together.

Hi, I actually have some good news tonight. Due to bruised knee bones from a fall on some stairs on a boat back in August, my wife's left leg has been in a brace and she's basically been in bed except for when she's needed to go somewhere using either her crutches and/or her wheel chair. Two weeks ago, she tried going up our narrow brick front steps using both crutches like she remembered doing in high school, but that turned into a fall that sprained her right foot along with injuring her right hand and side. Her orthopedic surgeon told her last Wednesday that she should walk on that right foot using her crutches. That Wednesday morning is was almost impossible for her to get to her shower chair, but after the doctor told her to walk on it anyhow she got right in there the next am. He also told her that unless she can walk using that right foot, that he will postpone the surgery. Well despite my protests, she insisted on making that trip over Thanksgiving which the doctor told her she could take and he told her to just use her crutches to get back and forth to the bathroom in our hotel room which she did. She paid quite a price of pain and exhaustion from that 3 1/2 hour ride up and back plus 2 nights in the hotel, but that was her choice to make that trip. Well, today she decided that she would try walking on that left foot with a walker instead of keep using the crutches. She did fine walking out of her bedroom, down the hall and back to bed. She had to move into our oldest's son's room for his bed is down lower than ours and thus easier for her to get in and out of since she is 4ft 10. Tonight was the first time she has actually walked on both legs and feet since August. She said it hurt a lot, but in August she could not walk on that leg at all. I will be so glad when she can walk once again!!! It is not made any easier by her having bipolar disorder like I do plus other mental health issues which has her on a ton of meds.

Gods girl - omg - your situation sounds just like mine! I am just so tense, my brain can't put it into words very well! I'm taking some of the advice that was given to you, and see how it goes. I stayed away from my ex mil's house since Thursday, but will be going back tomorrow morning because no one will be there. I'm sure she will treat me like a queen tomorrow, but my heart is still heavy because I know the attack will come sooner or later. I too wonder if she is telling lies to other people about me?! especially the part about attacking her. that really hurts... oh well, maybe I'll touch base tomorrow after I get home. Thanks!

Kdwildflower - after the last temper tantrum mom had I can hardly stand to be in the same room with her and we aren't speaking. She did put up clean dishes and loaded the dishwasher yesterday which was a shock. So I know she is trying to act like nothing ever happened and she can continue her life of luxury. I can't say anything about her temper or try and talk to her about her behavior because I am spineless. I am a big fat chicken - I don't know how to talk to her because it doesn't change - either she acts like she understands or she will shut down and throw another temper fit. And from past experiences I know her temporary good behavior will soon be followed by acting like we never talked in the first place. She absolutely makes me miserable. Thank goodness i have a good job and have a lot more to focus on. Plus i have my grandchildren who love to come stay with me on weekends and i have the sweetest hardest working hubbie in the world. The whole family avoids her - and she is just so full of self pity she will go out of her way to feel justified. The happiest day of my life will be when she moves out of my home and I plan on trying everything I can to start that process. Mom has never in my whole life had any concept about money management. She gets her hair and nails done every week and goes to wal mart and eats out almost every day. Instead of doing laundry she just buys more crap and stuffs her clothes in piles with other crap. One day she'll fix up like the queen and the next day she looks like a hobo who doesn't have a dime to her name. She never helps at home - which is why we were shocked she did dishes. I hire a housekeeper to come in once a week because I refuse to clean up her part of the house & I can't stand the stinking filth. I'm gonna start meeting with social workers and see where we can place her because I am so tired of letting her make me miserable! I'll just take her cars away and like someone in an earlier thread told me and have her doctor to write a letter and get her license revoked. It will be worth every penny I have to get her out of my home. That may sound cruel and I'm sure she will hate it but I want my life back, I want my family to love being at home again. I'm sick of smelling her and her temper and listening to her constant whistling. And I'm sick of being spied on - she will actually hide in a dark corner of the house and spy on us watching tv and then tell me later what she did. It's creepy. I'm tired of having my privacy invaded and not having any limits with her. I have visited assisted living facilities in the past but didn't have the heart to place mom in one but now I have to choose between a nervous breakdown or puttin mom in a nursing/assisted living home.

Cmag~That is good news about your wife!!

Nine months ago I was transferred from the store I was hired at and they still don't have my paperwork done so my check stubs are still going to the Tracy store. Yesterday I talked with our new store manager, "Cecil can you please check into this for me...blah blah blah." My co-worker says, "Cecil, his name isn't Cecil, it's Cisco." I said, "I am so sorry Cisco..." Later I find out his name is not Cisco either, it's Sixto!!! We were all laughing because why would he want to help me when I can't get his name right, Lol!! Poor guy!! Come on, how many people have you met with the name Sixto??? Apparently it's the name of a Pope. I hope I didn't offend the manager, Lol!!

Cmagnum,
Well what can be said is you are still a wonderful man, and I don't know how you deal with you wife. I hope somewhere deep down, she appreciates all that you do for her. About she being exhausted after deciding to take the trip, one can't have it both ways many times, and this is one of them.
I sure hopes she gets better soon on the end w/she being mobile. Definitely I hope also, that you can get some rest for yourself, you certainly deserve it,
Maybe it's time for you to retreat back into the Man Cave! You and your's are in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well I have had a busy last few days. The day before TG, a cousin of mine called.
Since she rarely calls me, and for the hour it was, I thought she was going to give me some bad news about her elderly mother. But much to my surprise she informed me that her older sister had died the day before. The deceased cousin was a rather estranged member of the family. Apparently from the few details her sister shared, she had a non-alcoholic type of cirrhosis of the liver. Catholics take two days to bury their deceased. So my husband and me drove a distance to the wake. Next morning I awoke at a very early hour to drive to my cousins and meet up w/her. We then rode together to the church for a Mass and then the burial.
This is my same cousin I had made the ride out with during the summer to our cousin's gathering, and with whom my sister is having issues with.
So my cousin and her daughter told me that the night of the wake, my sister snubbed them; acted as if she didn't see them. Since I live a real drive to where all services were held, my cousin had originally invited me to come stay the night, this way I wouldn't have especially the morning drive to the mass in early morning rush hour traffic. But then my husband decided to go the night before to the wake, so that put a monkey wrench into that plan. I must admit, that also since there's this unspoken tension between my cousin and sister, I felt somewhat stressed whether to tell my sister that I was going to spend the night and go w/cousin. So thank you Sharymarie, for the article about all the red flags and abusive behavior. My sister has tons of them. After I thought long and hard, I decided I would go w/my cousin, and that I wasn't going to make a big issue out of it, e.g., tell my sister about it, etc. Besides if I do this, it feels as if I'm guilty of WHAT?, or I'm asking for my sis's overbearing permission. Well, we all saw one another cousin, me, sis at all the service. At first, I sensed form sis that she was behaving somewhat distanced, even towards me. But I didn't play into it at all!!
We all met up at the deceased's sister's home after for a reception. I felt for our cousin and especially their mom. Later, my sister arrived w/our mom, and our elderly aunt was so happy to see her. Mother has been having some awake days. I can't remember if I'd written she had something like this on TG. On these days, of course she isn't in sleep mode as usual. She reverts some how to her old self, not as withdrawn. But she would hug the cousins, remember some names, and forget others. Again as prior to TG, she's also been remembering her deceased sister-the narcissist, and informing people of her death as if it were only a week ago. I'm happy about this and the fact that she's fessing up to it instead of keeping her feelings bottled up.
Anyway, I did have a good chance to talk with my cousin, and we shared feelings about my sister. Of course I do filter what I share w/my cousin about any real feelings my sister has shared with me. I don't want to add fuel to any possible fire.
However in speaking with my cousin I got some info. about my sister's daughters and how they've behaved in front of her with respect to mom. More insight!!
But I did tell my cousin, also that I basically try to keep some kind of neutrality with people. Life is just that way, via circumstances we do have to interact, be somewhat civil. Oh!!!!! I'm really trying to work on this. But anyway I'm glad I made my own decision to do this, and it wasn't dictated by my sister's control vibe!! HAAH!! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
We may at times misread the posts. Sometimes when I've been catching up I end up reading to many and I get all mixed up. Well I don't think you are ever off the mark. I think this is all part of ourselves too, and learning to be way more discerning with the behaviors of our relatives. I definitely know for myself, it's learning to say NO, not just to them but also to some old patterns and behaviors about myself. I'm trying to be more aware of not being such a people pleaser, which I've been!! This isn't getting it anymore for me.
But anyway I always welcome your comments and ideas, they are valuable!
Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux, thanks for the compliment, but I'd attribute it more to how my mother wired me as her only child which has often led me to ignore my own thoughts and feelings about things, plus not say them, as well as not take that good of care of myself. Basically, I did not have an identity or feelings apart from mom early on and I had quite a battle getting my freedom which also took therapy to get free of.

I went to my man cave tonight to work on the family Christmas letter, but also to take a break which meant I stayed out there longer than it really took to work on the letter and print a rough draft out on the color printer. I'm trying my best to not left my wife get me to do things that she can do for herself. Like, yes she can only get around with her walker, but I don't have to be the meds dispenser at med times. No, she can do that. I have my own meds and schedule to keep up with. We are getting a ramp to go on the backyard steps leading to our deck the day before her surgery and will rent it for about two weeks. She's supposed to get around using her crutches for two weeks before starting PT on both feet so to speak. It is tough getting up and down stairs even with a railing and having to use crutches. I am more than ready for her to get mobile again.

Basically, my day goes like this. Get up late in the am, hand her her medicine bottles which we keep in a big bag, then go fix breakfast for the two of us, then she takes a shower after which I help dry her off, get dressed and put a brace on each foot, then do something like wash clothes-empty or fill the dishwasher-or take her to a doctor's appointment, etc. either get a take out for us to eat as lunch or fix it myself, but if breakfast is real late, we too often skip lunch and have an early supper which I fix after which there is always something for me to do.

For example, part of my to do list for today was to put away the Thanksgiving decorations in the house and out of the yard and begin putting up the Christmas decorations, plus maybe get a tree which will be much shorter this year. All of this was on today's agenda since there was not a doctor's appointment, but various other things distracted my attention in that direction.

There are not any doctor's appointments tomorrow, so I can get to that then. However, I do find that when I drive her out of town to see some doctors like I did yesterday and we spend most of the day out, the next day I don't have as much energy. Well, I am tired for ever since her mental health failed back in 1998 and she started being hospitalized in 2000 which are not as frequent as they once were and her mental health is better than it was, I've been doing a lot of caretaking of my wife not to mention having to fill in for her with raising two boys when she was in really bad shape mentally.

Well, I've vented a plenty tonight which I tend to do from time to time when I'm full of it like now. Well, supper is over and I'm going to work more on the photos for the Christmas letter and then escape to my 'man cave'!!!!!!! It would probably be better if I walked the dog, but that remains to be done for I don't always feel up to it and it is getting cold now.

Margeaux~Thank you, I appreciate your comment.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. It must have been an unexpected event from what you posted and that makes it more of a loss! I am happy to hear that you didn't play into your sister's game. I know what you mean about being people pleaser. I struggle with that too. I work on keeping a distance as well.
Today I took my mom and her dog to the vet. The dog has an on going infection that they say can be corrected by surgery but mom doesn't want to spend the money. It was quite comical watching my mom get in the car with her dog. The dog wants to be glued to mom's hip hogging the seat and mom is trying to decide whether to shut the car door or buckle her seat belt while the dog is wrapping the leash around her legs and mom's seat belt!!, Lol. Anyway got that done, took mom to the bank so she could withdraw cash (she prefers to pay cash cuz it can't be traced like a check...her paranoia). I took her back home and everything was fine. Then she calls me 30 minutes later, her checkbook register shows she is overdrawn and she can't find her other keys. So off I go back to her house, when I get there she has found the keys, Lol!! I took her checkbook register with me and spent the afternoon going thru that. I found some minor subtraction errors plus she hadn't added in her SS deposit and a monthly deposit from Met Life. I ended up fudging some #'s along with the deposits she hadn't added in and balanced it with what the bank shows her balance is minus the withdrawal today. When my sister takes over her finances all she can do is go by what the bank shows and go from there. It's been a Falalalala day, Lol!! Wishing everyone a good day and a better tomorrow!! Hugs to All!!

how am I doing today? bad. Since Thanksgiving - when I made my ex mil's thanksgiving dinner, for her, my ex and my children. She decided to lash out at me before I went home and told me she didn't need me. So I have stayed away. My ex keeps asking me to come over and help her like I usuallly do, but I am SO TIRED of this treatment. My own family disowned me when i divorced an abusive man..(long story) except for one sister. she called me a few days ago to tell me that my father had died. I'm not really sad about that too much, but I'm very depressed about the fact that everyone in my life tends to treat me sooo bad and take advantage of me. I hope this passes. thanks for listening

Shary thank you for the printout about emotional abuse -wish I had that years ago to help explain to our Pastor why I needed to get a divorce - he had about 97 % of the traits-that was after CPS got after him for physical abuse-that was great for you to share -all social workers should see that. Cmag -it sounds like you really have a rough life and you are so willing to listen to our problems and concerns-I hope your man cave gives you some relief from life in general. kdwild-did you learn something from your TD from hell -like learning to detatch yourself from those toxic people-I sure hope you have thought about what you will not tolerate from others-Dr Phil says in his books we teach others how to treat us and I am working on that with someone in my life right nowand we sure can learn from each other in our AC family-I have been away from AC threads that I follow-my computer was down and sure am glad to have it back.

kdwildflower, I'm so sorry for your painful experience on Thanksgiving. If I were you, I don't think that I'd ever go back. Set some boundaries and inform people how you will and will not tolerate being treated plus come up with some concrete consequences for when those boundaries are broken. Easier said than done, but it does help.