Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Cmag – I’m glad that you started this thread. The first time I came upon, I couldn't believe there was a topic on dysfunction.
kdflower – I’m glad that you’re learning about boundaries. I need to start looking into that too. So, when I read about you, godsgirl, Margeaux and everyone here learning to set boundaries, I feel like one of those students who comes to class without doing her homework! It’s on my to-do list. I'm glad you answered that question -who do you see first – the geriatrics doc or the neurologist. Neurologist.
godsgirl – Congrats! for a successful transfer of your mother from home to the retirement community. I like to read success stories like this.
Margeaux – from what I’m reading, you are definitely growing as a person - your own person. You're slowly but surely learning to be You and not what your mom or sister wants of you. My problem is that I try to keep the peace among family. So I rarely rock the boat, and keep my anger/resentment inside. But, as I read your comments, I can see you are growing stronger as a person. Keep up the good work!
Burned – you remind me of the energizer bunny. You just keep going and going and going -despite obstacles being thrown your way from every directions. Please continue to keep us updated.
Is this how therapy is? I have to be the one to keep the conversation going? It's really stressful if this is the case. It's going to be like pulling teeth, thoughts, ideas every time we meet...I'm just wondering...
Merry Christmas,
Sharyn
Usually the therapist and client come to an agreement on how often to meet which can be modified at any time.
I had a good meeting with my therapist today and much better results on my lab work for my annual physical than expected, but was surprised to learn that my thyroid is not working hard enough. So, a new med for that problem and in 6 weeks more lab work to see if I'm at the correct dosage.
I have been away for a week, and in that time my mother now tells me she is moving out of her ALF, into a smaller place with a registered nurse who cares for 6 people. She was evaluated where she is a couple of weeks ago, and at that time she told me she was staying where she was. .I have no idea what this place is like, who runs it, or anything about it.. She says she does not know when she is moving. I wrote and asked her a few questions, including if she needed some help with the move. Normally she does not answer any questions I ask. She is in a 2 bedroom apartment she set up from scratch a couple of years ago -it didn't make much sense to me at the time. She moved from a 2 bedroom apartment to a one room unit in an ALF, ave me all her stuff to deal with, then, 6 months later, to this 2 bedroom unit in the ALF she is in now. She has maximum help available from this ALF, and has many complaints,(as always) and I have felt she needed more care, so am glad this is happening, but do not look forward to dealing with a full set of furniture etc again. She has not asked for my help so may have asked someone else to do it. I wrote her back and said Gary and I would help. Not much more I can do. I hope this really is happening, and that it is her last move.
Hi to everyone. I have been whacked by a few sessions of the fibromyalgia, managed to avoid it during the trip, though my gut acted up - could have been worse. Tired now from the travel, but it was good seeing friends I hadn't seen in 18 years, and also seeing Niagara Falls.and becoming a little more confident about travelling now.
sharyn hope you are feeling better from the infection now
book -i agree -write down what is on your mind - look at what you want to achieve in the therapy. I rinse my sinuses with a dilute hydrogen peroxide solution -start with 1 drop in 40, then up to 1 drop in 20, and then to 1 in 10 if you need to. It seems to work. I use the little saline bottles and add the peroxide. Chicken soup is great too
elderly - vent away - it helps. I always have tons to say in therapy. My last session for this time will be this week.
enrished - look after you first - save your resources for your needs as much as you can
margeaux -ginger in the chicken soup sounds great! I agree that sugar is bad for the immune system
cmag - looks like you and your wife are making headway with her condition, and that you are taking time for you - good
lildeb, austin, burned and everyone else hi, hope you are good.
Love and hugs Joan
Tonight, I read another chapter in this book about getting things done when you are depressed. It suggested picking someone you respect to be your pretend inner drill sergeant to help motivate you to get out of bed in the am, etc., etc., so on and so forth. Sounds sort of silly and good to me, but then the next chapter really hit home. Structure. The lack of structure in my life does not tend well for my bipolar disorder and particularly when I'm cycling down into depression. With my mother in a nursing home an hour away and her past due tax crisis over with, both of our children off to college, and my being on disability as is my wife, I'm finding it tough if not impossible to structure my day, much less my week. I am doing some writing of a book that I hope to publish, but I'm not scheduling myself writing time to write each day. Other than appointments to see the doctor or therapist, my life and my wife's life lacks structure. All I can think of is to create a structure of when to get up, when to go to bed, what one thing I could do that needs doing in the house, what one thing could I do that needs doing in the yard, when could I walk the dog, when could I write (I tend to like to do that at night for some reason), and when could I go to the YMCA which I've not done now in years, plus when do I want to have breakfast, lunch and supper ready? Well, I guess that having written this, I've now answered my own question. Now how much time to allot to all of these so that I fill the day?
Thanks for the compliments about setting boundaries. It's a big work in progress my dear, believe me. I too have been someone in my family that doesn't rock the boat.
I've also done my share of people pleasing. But being around especially someone such as my sister, who is a big controller, plus one of her grown daughters, I've grown tired of listening to my sister's flip flopping attitude about a variety of complaints. She'll complain and complain, gets me convinced that she is having an issue w/something. Then she's tried of course getting me involved into sympathizing with her. But then a few days later, she just flip flops to the complete other side of what her current drama is. So now that I've zeroed into this factor, I'm deciding I just limit certain topics she wants to unload on me. Besides we have such different philosophies about life, so I know what I have to say to my sister is never going to fit what she wants to hear, and I don't have the energy for that anymore, I'm discovering. So these are the kinds of boundaries I'm trying to put in place. Oh, and I slip up. But I think it has a lot to do with basically learning about the people that can push your buttons, and trying your hardest to walk in the other direction.
You can do this Bookworm. This is what some of us here call exercising the emotional muscle, and detachment. You can do it, you can do it, you can, you can.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
margeaux - good for you clueing into people pleasing, and setting more boundaries. I found as I get older I don't have the energy for these :battles" so better boundaries are a must
book - hope you can find some time for you. I know you have a huge load with bith parents and a job, Could you get audio books to listen to in the car?
cmag - the thyroid meds will take weeks to fully kick in. I have been on it for years, but you will likely notice some improvement quite soon. I check my level about every 2 months as mine was bouncing around, Not everyone needs to do that. Good luck with structuring your day - something I should work on too, since retirement.
sharyn - wondering where you are, and how you are. Those infections can really drag you down. Hope you are recovering, and your mum is behaving.
Everyone - look after you. Love Joan
Cmag~ It sounds like you may have found the answer to why your energy is low. Now, I know you have not been pregnant, Lol!! but after my daughter was born, I had a low thyroid. At that time (mid 80's) I was told I would have to take Thyroxine for the rest of my life. By the mid 90's it started running a little high and I was told that it is common for pregnancy to deplete the thyroid and it is not condition I had to continue to treat. I know hypothyroidism is very different, but at the time it happened, the meds made a big difference in how I felt. I am happy to hear that in time you should be feeling much better.
Joan~Glad your trip was enjoyable and how fun to meet up with old friends!! I saw your pic of the falls...so much raw power in all that water!! Theater tickets sounds wonderful, I hope you get the date you want.
I am feeling better, but not fully recovered. The bronchitis is a bugger so I am going to go to the doc tomorrow for an antibiotic. Yesterday I took mom grocery shopping, I had some groceries to get as well so we each had our own carts and did own thing. At the check out, mom started putting all her groceries back in the cart after the clerk scanned them, but she didn't put it in bags. The courtesy clerk came over and asked her if she wanted bags, mom said no...but she looked confused and so was the courtesy clerk, Lol!! I quietly told the clerk to bag the groceries and that she (mom) is just confused. Poor mom. Today my sis and I met over at mom's to replace the felt like strip on the threshold on her front door. Surprisingly enough, mom has been very pleasant to be around lately. She misplaces things daily but always finds them in a few hours. It is easier to let her look for things than for me to be running over there daily. I too need structure. My job is so fast paced that on my days off I don't want to rush and the end result is I don't get things done like I want to.Something to work on for the new year. For some reason, I have more energy at night, but can't do things then without waking up hubby. Everyone take care and happy health to all!!
My wife did more walking with her walker as we got out of the house today and went various places to shop, etc.
Take care all and to all prayers, love and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds as if you had a great time in Niagra Falls. It's always more than good to see old friends, good for the spirit!
I certainly hope that this new move for your mother w/be a positive one.
Really I hope for your sake, that she did ask someone else to move her stuff.
O.K., yes I'm trying to work more on the boundaries! I haven't heard from her for a few days. I will call her probably tomorrow, however currently I'm really trying to create some distance. I figure no news is good news. I even have a friend right now, who has been calling me w/lot's of news about her high blood pressure. I've been more than supportive. The other night she called me to tell me of some crazy drama, which really could have become dangerous. So when I was done w/that phone call, I thought maybe I should take a bit of a break from her too. I mean how much bad and negative news can one hear from people?
This friend has been in this mode for the last year, so even if she's a friend, I have to watch that also. You know these people that start calling you w/their drama, then when things balance out, you don't hear from them. Yikes!
I hope the fibromyalgia calms down. Much Love, Margeaux
hi Margeaux - I did have a good time, and it was great seeing old friends. Today, Mother did give me the phone number of her friend who is helping to arrange this move. I will call the friend and find out more about what is happening. She doesn't know yet how much of her furniture she can take with her. Gary and I can help with some if it - he would do most of it anyway. Last move I had professionals move what she needed, and we looked after the rest - which was most of her stuff and I still haven't sorted it all out. The CFS/FM doesn't allow me to do too much. She doesn't have as much now, thankfully.
Distance is good, Margeaux. I am glad you are working on that. I find the more distance, the better I am. Is that your neighbour friend who is calling? I agree you have to watch it with friends too. There needs to be a balance -of her stuff and your stuff, and good news and bad news. If I have troubles I want to talk over with a friend, I always make sure I let them know the resolution. It only seems right. A break and/or boundaries there sound good. The FM (fibromyalgia) seems to be OK right now. I watch my sugar/carb intake carefully which seems to help. Right now it is just fatigue which means I can't do much which gets a bit frustrating. I took a pic of the sunrise this morning, and am using for my avatar for a while. it was beautiful. Such things give me a lift. Are you making big plans for Christmas - doing baking, or any special dishes?
On another thread we were talking about latkes - potato pancakes. Sharyn had a different version than I am used to, but they sound good.
Margeaux - I cut off before sending love to you, so much love back, and to sharyn and everyone. It is great having the support of this group and others on AC
Love, hugs and prayers - Joan
I ask for everyone's prayers for the people in Connecticut regarding the horrific shooting and senseless loss of life of innocent people.
Hugs to everyone!