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Yes, welcome TakeDeepBreathes. I don't know why I seem to be getting these flashback memories of the past on this specific thread discussion. It's like it's all coming out from where it's been hidden deep inside me. I'm sorry guys for going on and on. It's like these memories swell up and wants to be exposed. Sigh...I'm really not sentimental or emotional. Several of you say that I'm healing and that's why I'm beginning to Feel Emotions. I've been in Survival Mode for so long, I forgot what Emotions are....been crying a lot, too...which I'm told is also a sign of healing. I'm just soooo not used to all these emotions. I hope the anger/hatred from childhood does not also well up. So far, so good with the current ones. I can't comment long. It's now morning and father has Definitely Touched His Poop! I soooo dread the changing of pampers. Gotta go! I will try to write after work, but...lately, I'm soooooo tired. Last night, I posted only 1 time at YOU at 830pm, and I was sleeping while typing and almost fell off the chair. The tiredness is hitting me more and more. Worried that I was going to faint at work. I need a break from the parents.... Later!
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Wow! Seems like a great thread already! :-)
Sounds like you have quite the challenge on your hands, Bookworm. I dread the days to come if they include changing the pampers. Luckily I live about 5 hours away from my parents and I hope I'll be able to keep it that way. I have seven sibs, but I am the medical POA and the one with the life science background so I'm the medical contact and am rapidly becoming the caregiver by default. There is one sister who lives near my folks but she is not in a place in her life (emotionally, physically, etc) where she can help much. That's okay (for now). At least I know she's there and she is willing to check on them as needed.
My 77 year old mother was in the hospital last week with pancreatitis and congestive heart failure as the primary diagnoses. Yes......related to diabetes and alcohol abuse as well as an opportunistic upper respiratory infection. And, you can probably pretty easily see the picture. My dad ended up with pneumonia but at least we got him to a doc and on meds while I was there helping out. He has emphysema and is 82. It's not super severe but of course all of this takes its toll.

Today is a better day for me now that I've found these forums. I've pulled out my tool kit and already got to practice not enabling. woo hoooo!!! Yeah, she was mad at me when I wouldn't get her a banana because that would help her disobey doctors' instructions. Told I would get her some protein but I was not going to enable her. Yup. She got mad. Fine. Go for it!! At least then my dad got to be the good cop for a little bit. I'm sure we'll trade off good cop and bad cop.
The stress and sadness for me is losing my mother this way since she is not the person she once was and I know she will continue to deteriorate and I can do nothing to stop it. I can't fix it, but I can sure not be part of helping it progress. I know I'm at the beginning of a very long road and so I am so glad to have found all of you. :-)

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Welcome Take Deep Breaths good to have you aboard.
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Welcome Take Deep Breaths!
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Hi TDB (TakeDeepBreaths), it sounds like you have to be on your toes with both parents. It's too bad that sis cannot help you more with the caregiving load. Yes, it sure is a learning experience. Mom had the dementia diagnosed 23 yrs ago. Dad just recently his senility is so obvious after his stroke last year. Mom did NOT touch her poop. Father is ... gungho into it. So, I wasn't expecting my reaction the first time I had to clean up his mess - all over the bed, his chest, his back, his legs...I came on here and was basically falling apart. It helped that several people confirmed that they too had the same reaction to what I now call "the poopy stage." Some were able to overcome their distaste while others still found it just as gross as the beginning. So, all I can say is, it's good to post what you'e going through and who knows? Maybe someone has a more economical or shortcut way of doing it. .... I like how you're now Not Enabling your parents. =)
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I am bringing up a subject that is off topic because I want to know if any of you have information on this. I looked it up online but all the info I found is either about a tv show (doesn't give me much hope of truth) or what I already knew about gypsies...from Hungary or Romania.

We have some customers that come in the store that my co-workers say are gypsies. They are not American born, have an accent, and are on welfare. One co-worker says she thinks they are middle eastern or Arabian. I am not typecasting any heritage or ethnic origins, belief system, etc. I am only looking for info that I have apparently missed.

This family...from what I have been told, is very rude, openly admits they have $1,000.00 in food stamps, and according to the manager, they drive a 2013 Toyota. I bring this up because they came in tonight, had over $20 worth of meat custom sliced and several other things from the deli. Our till had been closed early tonight so they couldn't pay at the deli. They told the people up front they did pay at the deli but had no receipt. The checker called the deli asking if they paid, we told them our till had already been closed out. So they made them pay. This is the first store I have worked in where they have labeled someone as a gypsy and I am only trying to understand how this differs from someone who is swindler or con artist who happens to be from another country living in the U.S. Does anyone have any input on this term?
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Sorry, Sharyn. All I know is based on their reality shows (England and U.S.) is that that the normal people do not trust them. I saw on one show in which the seamstress admitted that after she went all out in making the bride's wedding dress, she did not get paid. She really likes the gypsies but it is something she is aware of not being paid. I guess the income she makes for the year still covers the loss.

Gypsy is what they ARE. They are not British, or Irish or American. They are gypsies. Similar to the Native American Indians. They have Gypsy from Ireland who is different from the Gypsy in England. (Ireland has a princess.) They even have Gypsy from the US WITH the gypsy accent. (I once watched this one.)
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Thanks Book, I know about gypsies from Ireland. We of Irish origin call them tinkers. I saw them when I was in Ireland way back in 1975. From what my co-worker told me, she says they are very strict with their daughters...must be a virgin when married, but yet they let them dress very loosely. It makes no sense to me. I think either I am not well informed on this or they are labeling a group of people into a group based off a tv show.
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BTW...why would you have such strict rules for your daughters being virgins when you are clearly teaching them to steal??? Just saying.
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Sharyn...Google: Gypsy truths and myths. there is a PDF on the myths. gotta go!
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Thanks everyone for your welcomes again. I have a question for you: Mom has a doc appointment this Friday and the doctor is planning to call me during that time so that I can "be there" during the appointment. So, today I am debating whether or not to
a) share my perceptions and observations with the doc before the appt (by phone, via the doctor's nurse, or by sending the info via fax)
b) try to share them during the appointment
c) don't share them at all (not really leaning towards this one at all ;-)

The doc is very open and welcoming of information from what I can tell. Mostly, I just want her to know the real amount of alcohol and the lack of carb control so that she can better treat my mother. I'm know the doc already realizes that what my mother tells her is not accurate so maybe it's not even a big deal for me to get that info out there, or maybe it's best if it's done in front of my mother rather than behind her back. (e.g. "We are only as sick as our secrets.") I'm not looking for confrontation, just accurate information so that treatment can be appropriate. Before my mom was discharged, the doc did sit down with her and tell her that she really needed to be honest with herself and with the doctors, but it's really different perceptions of reality and I don't know that my mom is capable of acknowledging what reality is right now.

So, what are your experiences?? I'm just going back and forth today so I'm putting it out there. :-)

Thanks!
(p.s. I hope and pray I don't have to deal with the poop stuff!!! It was bad enough with my kids. Please..........NO POOP!!!!!!!! ;-)
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TDB you are doing the right thing not enabling-it is hard and takes more patience and time but is the right thing to do. I would fax my concerns to the doc-he or she may even put that in her records-the doc needs to see the whole picture. I am glad you are sharing your experience we all learn from each other here on AC.
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TDB, that's what some people do here - write a letter explaining the True home situation.

It's funny. At age 19, I decided that I didn't want to have children. I babysat soooo many nieces/nephews by the time I reached 19. I never regretted it. I had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons, I was soooo afraid that I would have regretted it - after it was done. Nope. Still didn't want children. Anyway, as a "happy labor" babysitter (oldest siblings didn't believe in paying me for babysitting - it was called "happy Labor"), I insisted that all kids have their pampers changed before dropped off. If they pooped, it will have to wait until their parents pick them up. So, when parents became bedridden - I thought KARMA. I never wanted children- I now have 2 adult "childrent". Hence the falling apart on changing poopy mess pampers. I did not really have much experience on my nieceds/nephews! So, I had to Learn real fast how to clean father. I don't know how others do it, but I Cut His Shirt Off instead of trying to lift it over his head and dried poop falls on his head, shoulders, etc... So far, I've had to cut 2 tshirts! Good thing the tshirts are 3 for $10.00. =)
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TakeDeepBreaths, welcome to this place n take your time reading for their is a lot of information here n the people r great as well. Be nice if you could give us some more feedback of you n the person you are taking care of so that we can get to know you too.
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Sharynmarie,
Are you feeling better? Yes, Christmas can bring up the memories, especially as you wrote about your dad apparently really enjoying it. Good memories. Well I hope you were able to motivate yourself and get your tree up. I'm still trying to motivate myself to hang this boot I made some years ago. I just used some fabric that already had that's red, and sewed some long black fringe on the top of the boot. and if you can believe that I haven't gotten around to hanging it up. Maybe I'll do it when I get off the computer. HAAH! Margeaux
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After months of not talking to my family, my sis sent me a B'day card. She also wrote a note telling me that she will never understand my thought process as to why I escalated everything out of proportion. Meaning me having to care for my mom 24/7 and me walking away. And saying that my mom is very confused and hurt at my actions. I told her it is not my doing. It is my bro's doing by not letting me see/talk to my mom and that I have made every attempt possible to see/talk to her. I told her I will not accept any blame for what I have not done. I will take responsibility for my misdeeds but not for the other misdeeds of my family. I told her that my life is just as important as theirs. No more, no less. My bro lied to me, bullyied, threatened and harrassed me. I will not stand for it. I have grown up and I can make my decisions for myself for what I do or don't do. She told me she hoped I was happy (finally) in my new life. More trying to make me fel guilty. I told her that I NEVER denied my bro or her to see/talk to my mom. In fact, I encouraged it. They just don't get it. It is getting close to Christmas, my mom is probably talking about or asking about me, we're best friends. I don't think they can handle that and can see how hurt she is. I called my bro and left a voicemaail on his phone 2 1/2 months ago asking to speak to my mom and him. No response no call back. Last thing he said to me was when this is through, (meaning my mom out of her apt. and my bro taking care of her) he washes his hands of me. My family has hurt me so VERY much since Sept. I have found peace with myself. Seeing my mom will start it all over or put me back to 24/7 care that I CANNOT do with my disabilty. Besides, if I see my mom, which I don't know if it will ever happen, we will both be full of tears. My bro will just call it drama and be mad about it and probably not let me see/talk to her again. That's why he won't let me talk to her. When I say I love you to her, she cries. My bro doesn't want the drama. And besides, his life is inconvenienced because he has been, along with his girlfriend, taking care of my mom. Three kids and I, the youngest one, should give up my whole life so they can have theirs. I feel shitty today.
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Nobody's perfect, but it sure gets old being the "one" that gets the brunt of everybody in the family's frustration. It does nothing for your self-esteem either. Get tired of hearing all the hollering and getting blamed for everybody's problems. In any case, thanks for letting me vent.
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Margeaux~ Yes I am feeling better. I was suppose to be off today but I worked because my pregnant co-worker went out on leave unexpectedly so we needed to fill her shifts. She will be out now until after the baby is born. I have to get the tree up tomorrow but I am going to do much less decorating on it than usual. My husband and I even discussed not putting it up at all, but since we have dinner here for family, I thought it would be best to have some Christmas decorations up.

Growing up, we didn't have an extended family. My mother's family is not close and my dad's family is in Ireland. My parents went all out at Christmas for us kids. I am sure it was my dad's doing because my mom is not nor has ever been a generous person with affection, time or money except for herself. I was the one who woke up first on Christmas morning usually around 4am. I would wait until 5 to wake my brother. He is like me and dad, very excited and no matter how old, a kid at heart. Slowly my sister and eldest brother would wake up and all 4 of us would sit in the living room looking at the tree discussing who was going to wake up dad and mom. They told me (every year), "You are the youngest, they won't get mad at you, so you have to wake them up." Lol!! Eventually I would go in my parents room and wake my dad up...."Dad, it's Christmas, wake up!" He always played this game with me saying, "It's not Christmas, go back to bed." This went on for about 10 minutes before he and my mom would finally get up. To a child it was an eternity!! My dad would play Santa and he handed out gifts to us one at a time. Each person opened their gift and passed it around so everyone could share in their excitement, especially my dad's. Periodically we would tell dad he had to open one now. He prolonged the excitement for everyone and it ended up taking about 2 hours to open gifts. Then my mom would make this huge breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, hash browns. We usually went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. Great memories!!
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Mslisadoll~I too was the scapegoat of the family. To this day my mother sees me as being irresponsible even though I have never asked her for a dime my entire adult life. Please come back again and tell us more about your situation. We may be able to help...even if it is only to offer support.
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Yogibear and mslisadoll; I'm so sorry that your families are behaving in such idiotic manners. Mine has become like that too. Most of mine have no idea how hurtful they are (or maybe they do.) It does help to vent to people who understand. Hugs.
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Sharynmarie; your situation sounds like my husband's with his family. Sorry you have to keep dealing with it. Sure gets old doesn't it?! Hugs
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Yogi – I see the guilt trip Sis is doing. As I read your words, I can SEE it. I don’t think your family will Ever Accept that they did any wrong. You were the one who messed up and so you will be punished. When I first started reading your post, I really thought Sis had a changed heart. No. Was she being sarcastic when she said that she hopes your happy with your NEW life? What, it’s okay for Them to have a life and you don’t? Sigh…same as my family…Most of my 7 siblings got married, have children, now have grandchildren, make way more than I do in income, travel…and Yet, I – who is single with no kids – should care for the parents 24/7 – all by myself! I know how you feel, Yogi… I am SO PROUD of you for Not Falling for that Obvious Guilt Trip!!! I hope one day, that brother will relent and let you see mom. I know that's asking for a miracle but, hey! For those of you who believe in Xmas- this is the time to wish very hard. (I'm not talking about Santa!) Perhaps, God will hear your prayers and answer it.....I hope, one day, that I can be like you. As I read your words, I wanted to just give you a big hard hug! Thanks for letting us know what’s happening in your life.

Hi mslisadoll! If you’re talking about siblings frustration, I don’t have that problem. They did a disappearing act 23 yrs ago. If you’re talking about our parent that we’re caregiving to….yeah, I get soooo tired of being blamed. Really, I don’t take any kinds of pills (herbal, prescriptions, etc..) and Father actually thinks that I take his herbal supplements? He’s on what I call the “accusation stage” of his senility. Get blamed and yet we’re such suckers – we stay on to continue being abused verbally while caring for him. Hang in there and please go ahead VENT, VENT and VENT!!!

Sharyn, you have such wonderful xmas memories. Ha! That’s not just in the movies! It can happen in real life. I always wondered about that. You know, like the Brady Bunch show. I loved it as a kid but it’s really an unrealistic family life. Tell that to kid growing up in a dysfunctional family…I always thought that was just a TV life. But, even now, as an adult, I just find it so…startling to hear an adult child tell their parent in public the “I Lxxx you.” (Sorry, I can’t even type that word. One day I will overcome this problem of saying that 3 letter words.) I’m glad that you had the real deal xmas memories.
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Book~I guess that is why I treasure those memories because every other day of the year was a nightmare. Like I said it was only on Christmas day and when we went camping in the summer that we enjoyed each other as a family, the rest of the time we were in survival mode. The contradictions of dysfunctional families. I know what you mean about seeing people in public. I always envied women who had a loving relationship with their mother. My dad continued to play Santa on Christmas well after we were all married. Everyone would meet at my parents to exchange gifts. Then out of the blue my mother stopped it and started sending our gifts to us. She never could understand how she ruined our family time together. My mother just more and more bitter as she aged and I am sure she stopped it to hurt my dad. She complained about how we never got together anymore but couldn't associate her actions to it.
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Oh my gosh, you guys are great!! Thanks for the advice and input! It's a busy day here at work so I'll have to respond more later. I wish everybody could have a wonderful and happy holiday but I know that's just not in the cards for everyone.
One step at a time!

More later.......and remember.........Take Deep Breaths!! ;-)
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My best friend is half gypsy and Mexican. She doesn't know much about her gypsy heritage, because her father from what she's shared with me about him was a victim of the marginalization his culture must endure. It could explain some of her dysfunction, of self worth, self esteem. She suffers very much from this as a result. Her father did too, he became schizophrenic.
I know that many times people have these archaic beliefs about other cultures, because they basically don't know enough legitmate information about them.
Unfortunately many people are like parrots, they just repeat what they've been told too. I live in a big city, with people from all over the world. Just about every race, has been involved in welfare scams, bookie scams, even municipal government fraud.. So I'm of the firm belief any body is capable of stealing, embezzling or cheating. No one race or culture has a monopoly on that!
Anyway, look it up, I'm sure you're going to learn a lot. Also, I don't think it's so off topic, it is after all about dysfunctioin. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
i
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Sharynmarie,
A part of my post didn't get posted. This is what I wrote:
Gypsies have settled in many parts of the world. Their nomadic lifestyle in part has been born out of having to leave because they have a long history of persecution.
When ever they have made encampments, usually the rest of society does not offer them much in the way of socialization, and I don't mean a hand out, nor welfare. Education is what I'm talking about, so that possibly they could grow and fend for themselves within society. Romanian gypsies are very marginalized.

I lived in Spain for three years, and I was told over and over again that I looked like a gypsy. On two occasions, I tried renting a room in a hostel. I heard the people at the reception telling one another, "they wouldn't rent to a gypsy." Well, they were completely dumbfounded when I produced an American passport, and said something in English to my travel partner!! A whole town in Northern Spain called Riano was burned to the ground, because the Spaniards didn't want them there.
Anyway, this is the first paragraph before the previous post. Margeuax
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Book, I have no kids or grandkids. It's just me. That's why my family figures it's my responsibility. As you know, I took care of my mom and her BF for many years. I was not nor am I capable of doing the 24/7/365. Thank you for your comments and well wishes. And especially the very big hugs. ((((((Book)))))))
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Beanie, I'm sorry but I forgot to mention you and thank you for your understanding. I'm sorry your family is as cruel as mine. ((((((((((Beanie)))))))))
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Thanks Margeaux!! I did look it up but I didn't really find much about gypsies in the U.S. Like I said, I am not trying to typecast any ethnic group because I know that gypsies are in every country. My knowledge about them is basically what you posted about them being nomadic so other than that I am very ignorant on gypsies in the U.S. That is why I thought the people I work with typecast this family based on a T.V. reality show. In order for them to be on welfare, they have to have a permanent address...I guess gypsies in 2012 don't have to be nomadic, however, I can't help but go with my gut reaction on this which is that the people I work with have labeled these people wrong. I agree that all ethnic groups are capable of scamming the system. I am just taken back on the label of "gypsy" because I have never heard this before and I don't know what they are basing it on. Anyway thanks for the info and I will look it up again to see if I can find out something more that isn't about a reality tv show.
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The info I am finding is basically that gypsies in the U.S. are from Romania. It does tell their history, ect. but I think I am looking for current info on their life. I agree that we tend to have out dated info on different cultures which I think may be the case with me regarding gypsies because I visualize a people who are nomadic, traveling around from place to place, fortune telling, dancing...excuse my lack of information of this subject. I hate to see people label others as such and such if they have no real information and are just passing along what they have been told. I am sorry your friend has had such a hard time emotionally. The only thing I can relate it to is when I was growing up...the city I live in was around 10,000 population back then and we were largely an agricultural town. We had migrant workers who came to work the fields. In the fall, we had a lot of kids in school who couldn't speak English and they were very isolated from the rest of the kids at school. I know this is not the same thing but it comes to mind because of the isolation I saw with these kids which was due to a language barrier. By the time I was in 3rd grade, a migrant camp was built with a school and housing in French Camp, Ca. I remember how sad it was to me that these kids were in school all day and no one could communicate with them. This was before we had bilingual aides in the classroom. I think it is a shame that we have that reality tv show on gypsies because the few people I have spoke to talk negatively about gypsies and I see it as further typecasting. I haven't watched it nor did I know about it until a few days ago, but I don't get to watch much tv cuz of my work schedule. Anyway...gotta go, was called in to work today so not gonna get the tree up again. Leave me only Friday to get everything ready now. Have a good day!!
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