Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Gary will be back on the 26th and we will have turkey with middle son and dil on the 27th, then supper with dd and family on the 28th, then head south to Edmonton for dinner theatre on the 29th and visit mother before we return.
She has been emailing me frequently -about 25 emails in 5 days, wanting me to do this and that, but a few hours later it is irrelevant becuase she or someone else has done it. She may hire a nurse to come in once a day to supplement home care and do her shopping, which is now done by some one else. Not a bad idea.
margeaux - thanks for kind comments on the pic. It really was beautiful that morning, but it changes fast. Mother is not moving after all - just a little extra excitement for her I guess. I will have to make the chutney in the new year now I guess. Sounds like you are strengthening your boundaries - goodf
TDB -welcome -hope you are getting the support you need. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate
book - it is good the feelings are coming out - it is healing an dtears are good
sharyn -hope you are well now -no good to be sick at Christmas. We dont drink much either -a few glasses a year at best -some great Christmas memories. I used to cook a big brunch after the gifts were handed out
yogi - glad it is only stress - look after you!!! stress itself can still cause health problems
hi mslisadoll - being blamed, being the scapegoat is no fun - finally i simply reuse to listen to it or accept it - I thròw it back at them
h beanie - venting sure helps. I ket mine know when they hurt me now, more than I used to
burned - glad your kids are getting more gifts. I hopen your family has a good Christmas
cmag - sorry to hear about your dad, and your step dad, but glad your wife is making progress - it does not end does it? Being minimalist works for me!
austin- this is a difficult season for you with the shootings nearby and your mother passed so recently. Hope you and your friend can have some good quiet times
Hope I didn't miss anyone - if I did it is unintentional. On a higher dose of thyroid meds only three days but it has helped already. I am lighting a fire soon, and some candles. It is time to do a bit of reminiscing -just me and the cat!. Tomorrow will be more social.
Wishing everyone a peaceful and enjoyable day, some rest, some socializing, some good food, good memories, good company...
Much love, hugs and prayers ♥ Joan
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Detaching
Accept that others are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviours of others
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
You only need love others as you love yourself -not more than. Please balance your life by loving yourself more. Christmas is not about your mother and her dysfunctional behaviour, it is about the birth of the Christ child who came to give us hope.
Praying that you start healing from this journey.. expecting gratitude from your mother is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone - it won't happen, (((((((hugs))))) love ♥ and prayers -Joan
Joan - thanks for that information. I've copied and pasted it on my notes. I'm going to print it out as a reminder whenever father and I butt heads. Thanks!
well said MyWitsEnd -mothr is the same -nothing you give her is ever quite right - always something to b*tch about. I think these people are very jealous - they always want to be the center of attention. You can't please them - or not for long. I agree it is futile. Do what you think is right and then let it go, and live your life. If she wants to be huffy - her problem, not yours.
book you are welcome - I still need it in front of my face sometimes. detaching is separating yourself emotionally, socially, spiritually, even physically from anoither person. - to be indifferent, remote from them. It does not necessarily mean you ignore them, just that you don't let their behaviours affect you so much. Setting boundaries is as you did at Christmas with relatives that tried to act superior to you. You refused to be treated like that and did not go back - that was setting a boundary. When my mother is miserable to me, I reduce contact for a while showing her that I will not let it continue. It doesn't stop it altogether but it helps. Good luck with your learning. Ask for ideas from people here about specific situations for detaching and setting boundaries. I bet you will get some good ideas.
Have a great Christmas love and hugs Joan
P.S...I never even thought of asking people here about detach/boundaries with what is happening in my home situation.
Hi Yogi. I hope xmas is not going to be a bad time for you. If you post here, I may not be able to respond right away because I will be back at work. Know that I will be thinking of you and knowing that you will be thinking of your mother. And all the caregivers who have recently lost loved ones this year... ((Lefaucon - I will also be thinking of you.))
Book, one hour at a time is how I will handle nut being able to spend the time with my mom. I give myself the chance to cry for a few minutes then I'm ok. I've been doing 4-6 times a day. I think it makes me stronger and I realize I can handle it a little easier. I don't allow myself to think of her 24/7. If I did, I wouldn't be here.
((((((Yogi))))) I think you are handling it very well. Crying lets off some of the pressure. Good for you
I had a really nice surprise when a friend of Gordie's from high school contacted me on fb. Couldn't figure out who was writing "Hi Mom" at first. He stayed with us for a bit in those days, and went to bible college, and became a missionary. Things have taken a down turn for him now. I invited him to come and visit. I would love to see al 6'2" of his gangly frame lol. What an unexpected blessing!!! I have wondered how he was for years. This is a lovely Christmas gift for me.
Best wishes and blessings to all Joan
We got the turkey in the oven a big achievement since I forget to get it out of the freezer on the 23rd. It is stuffed to the max, Lol!! I use those oven bags to cook it in and make sure the stuffing is 165 degrees and all is good. Talked with my son earlier. They are having a big breakfast with his wife's family and dil ( a massage therapist) has a massage to give later today. Haven't talked with my daughter yet as she and her husband are at the movies (a tradition in his family).
Joan~Don't feel too bad about your mom. Mine refuses to come over for dinner because she says she doesn't feel well. It amazes me how she finds ways to make herself the center of attention during the holidays. But like you said...it's not our problem. How wonderful for Gordie's friend to contact you!!! That is a great gift and I hope your visit with him is a good one.
Yogi~I agree you are handling it well. Please know you are part of our family now and we are thinking about you!!
I do all my prep work for the dinner the night before so all I have to do is stuff the turkey today. Gotta go get the table set and wash a few dishes. Have a blessed day everyone!!
sharyn, I hear you too - Gary remarked that this latest "crisis" was well placed to land at Christmas, I don't stuff turkeys any more. I do stove top or in a casserole. Gary swears by cooking the turkey still frozen -low heat for a long time and it does work. You can start it in the morning and not have to worry about thawing. It can be stuffed after a couple of hours in the oven, but you need silicone oven mitts for that. I found a small unfrozen one for us for the 27th. There won't be many leftovers. I don't know that Gordie's friend will come, but I think he will. I hope so. He is in BC, so quite a distance away,
Nap time, I think so I can stay awake for 3 hrs of Les Mis after dinner. ;-D
I hope all of my friends here, have had a good holiday, and are now safe and cozy at home. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Did your turkey thaw out? This has happened to me when I'm planning to roast a chicken. A couple of years ago I saw on the news a report about a couple of postal employees who took their frozen turkeys to work with them, left them in the back of the trunks of their cars to thaw out in the heat. It was a funny story, and unbelievable people would do something so bizarre. Of course the point of this report was to teach people about safe thawing of poultry.
I'm sure your turkey was great, hope you and your family enjoyed the entire day.
Much Love, Margeaux
No kidding you have been busy!
This news from your friend and her Masectomy is something very difficult to hear.
My neighbor too, has had some breast cancer issues in the past. She had to go for a second check up of which I know she was very scared about last week. I gave her moral support. The follow up was positive, so we were happy about that!
It is very good that your daughter-in-law trusts you enough to talk about her abusive childhood. Given this and the calls from your mom, I can see why you're getting your booster shots on detachment!
Thanks, Emjo, I needed to read the points you posted.
How nice, that Gary was going to see his grandchildren and his excitement.
A great big hug to you, Much Love, Margeaux
I was in a supermarket yesterday, and it came to mind the fact that employees who work in stores have really high stress, and with the holidays the demands consumers have for food & beverage. I was in a cashier's line, thinking too, "Gee, I sure hope this person gets the time off to be w/their family."
I'd forgotten to say that I'm sorry you went to the ER, also. Take care of yourself, don't want you run down, my dear! Big Hugs! Margeaux
I had a nice visit with my sister. Since my mother refused to come over for dinner, sis and I were able to visit and enjoy each other without mom demanding to go home right after dinner. I really think mom can't follow our conversations anymore so she comes up with these excuses to not participate. She never was very social with the family when we would get together even at her house she was always in the kitchen doing something and would never sit down to talk with the rest of us. She still does that when you go to her house. She has never been comfortable in her own skin.
I hope your Christmas day was great one. Did you go to your sister's or stay home? I am glad your friend's test came out good, I am sure that is a relief. Well, I gotta go and big hugs back to you!!
Happy Boxing Day everyone. Hope yesterday went well for everyone.
thawing a turkey in the car - Woah!!!
margeaux, I am very sad about my friend -she has stuck with me through so many things, and we both have lost a son, and been a support to one another. Her health has been going down hill since she moved into an ALF. Glad your friend is OK. I think the food has a lot to do with what is happening to my friend, and also that she does not have to be as active as she was in her home. I get overwhelmed sometimes by the housework, and really should hire someone to come in, and do floors, and bathrooms every few weeks, but then I have a good day, and get quite a bit done, and I know the exercise is good for me. My biggest problem is getting rid of stuff I don't use. If the house is not cluttered it is much easier to keep.
sharyn -glad you got the turkey sorted out, and had a good visit with your sister. I bet work was very busy - people leaving things to the last minute. Here the plants go 24/7 every day of the year, so lots of people work on holidays, but the stores close. I don't think there are any grocery stores open here on Christmas Day. I think it was better for your mum to stay in her home -too much for her.
I gave Toonie some treats and he threw them up - his poor old tummy just can't take anything different. however it was all uphill after that. I had a lovely dinner with ds and dil, and we went to Les Miserable and really enjoyed it.
Everyone check in and let us know how your day went. I have to get ready for turkey dinner, and guests tomorrow night, get my hair cut, nails done, and pack for going away -sparkles and sequins and maybe animals prints too lol
Love to all