The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Kdflower,
Under any circumstances, should any caregiver, son, etc. tolerate this kind of abuse, because that is what it is! Sometimes, I think it's difficult for the relatives and people very close to a situation to view it as such. Others here have suggested that you report it, if it were to happen again.
We had a terrible situation w/an aunt who we were in charge of. She unleashed all these similar behaviors upon many people. I felt as if I was up against a brick wall in terms of especially my sister to understand, (main caregiver) about taking measures as to not allow abuse by an elder. Hopefully she'll be diagnosed w/o too many problems. You are in my thoughts! Please give us an update. Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Last night I got very energetic and decided to try making some tamales.
Ive made them before, but it's been a long time ago. Anyway, they were a lot of work, about over 2 hours to get them into a pot to steam. They were a complete disaster, and I had to throw them out as they came out like little bricks! HAAH!
Oh well! I'lll have to try doing them another time. This does not discourage me at all.
I was trying to turn around that bomb Christmas I had because of my sister's negativity and look what happened. Maybe I should just make a turkey too.
Well, I hope everyone is good, and relaxing after all of this business, because I am. Much Love, Margeaux

kdwildflower, please let us know how you are doing?

I would like to wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Years.
I toast to your health, abundance, good wishes and everything wonderful any of you desire in this New Year of 2013! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Emjo,

Oh, I see what you are saying that your mom doesn't want to see Gary.
I definitely understand that he doesn't understand her problems.
As I wrote before, my husband doesn't understand my family problems either.
My husband also seems tries to offer suggestions, and many times they are quite simplistic or he can't understand from a woman's perspective, since he doesn't have sisters. He has two brothers, one lives in NY, and the other lives in another country. They are pretty much at odds many times. He has more tension w/the youngest brother. Anyway I'm wondering too if men just have a different orientation to the family problems, because I'll write about this later; this aspect of dysfunction is surfacing in our family right now.

Well in any case, if your mom is saying for your husband not to come, this is probably in the bigger picture a blessing in disguise for him too. He must be a great guy too, that you can count on him about discussing different aspects of you situation.

Yes, this decision about the POA, is tough! But I can understand you wanting to pull out of that too. You're in my thoughts, and I hope for your sake your mother calms down. Much Love, Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

How's your mom acting today?
Looks like lot's of our relatives are acting out just now. Guess they think it's some kind of good way to end the year?? Mine too. Yikes!
I agree w/Emjo, in that you are handling your mom well, your sister also by the way. Much Love, Margeaux

Margeaux~Things are not good. My mom's friend Nancy called me this morning saying that my mom calls her several times a day. She has even accused Nancy of coming in her house when she is not home and taking things. Nancy understands that mom has Alzheimer's so she doesn't take it personal, but it still is causing her emotional stress with all the calls. I made an appt. for 3:10 this afternoon for my mom to be evaluated for living on her own. I told the nurse to inform the dr. for me about what is going on so I don't have to repeat it in front of my mom. I also told them she should be checked for a UTI and another possible hernia on the left side of the groin. She had surgery for a hernia on the right side 2 years ago. My sister is going to come down so we can all go together. Truthfully, this is tearing me up because I know my mom is going to fight this whole process. I know she is terrified about what is happening to her but she will not talk about that with us. She tells Nancy she is scared but she won't tell us that. I know my mom is panicking because she can't handle daily things especially her bills and mail. She is lashing out at her friends now and even though they understand, the stress it causes them is hard for them to deal with as well. I gotta pull myself together here and head over to my mom's, will let you all know what is going on after the appt. Dang...I have a great dinner planned for me and hubby tonight too.

Tamale bricks, eh, Margeaux. I feel better about burnt cranberries. Actually the pot was bad, but the cranberries were alright. My biggest problem is my new stove. I still haven't quite figured it out, and I have had it 3 years. It is glass top, and the burners are different from my old ones, and harder to control.
Margeaux - re Gary, it is not that he does not understand my problems with mother. He understands them very well now, though at the beginning he didn't altogether. It is that she doesn't want to see him, or have any advice from him. The only advice he ever gave her was good advice for the situation she was in then, but she is never thankful for that as it shows that she did something wrong, or couldn't figure out what to do, and she must always be right, and in control. She will never forgive you for that. Years ago, when my father developed vascular dementia, she was furious with him all the time - more than usual because he couldn't do what he used to because he was ill. He called me in tears, as she was raging and raging at him and asked me to come. I travelled across the country to stay with them, after finding someone to care for my 3 little kids. After spending time with her when she was home from work, and spending time with him, I could see that he was ill, and that they would have to change their plans for the future (to build a house), as he was not capable any more, nor was he safe to drive. I advised her to buy her own car, and not let him have the keys. His car needed repair. I told her not to get it repaired so he coudn't drive it, and also to sell their lot, and buy a house as it would be a good investment. It was the right thing for them, and she followed my advice, but later she told me very rudely that I needn't think that I had helped her. If she had not done that, she would not be as well off now, as a lot of her capital came from the house sale. So now she is trying to drive a wedge between Gary and I, by saying she will see me but not him. She has never shown any appreciation to him for anything he has down for her, or to me. She will make a fuss of you if you do what she wants you to. It is not true appreciation, but rather manipulation, so she will get more out of you. She will turn on you quick as anything if it suits her.
Gary is great company and willing to discuss anything with me, though I know it has not always been easy for him when I have been upset. I am thankful he is so patient with, and supportive of me. He is one of 5 boys, and doesn't understand women very well. His ex was, and still is, a very angry woman so he does understand quite a bit about mother, and the need for me (us) to protect ourselves from her. I told him on the weekend that she will not succeed in driving a wedge between us. That I will stand with him - period - and I will be telling her that too. If he is not welcome, and he is with me, then I will not come. She has played this game with my sis, who caved in to her. She went to stay with sis in the past, and created havoc there. Mother continually criticized sis's dh (who was a nice, patient man, dead 10 years ago now) and sis just sat, and went along with it. I will not tolerate that.

You are right it is a blessing, as I will say to mother that since I discuss everything with Gary, and do take his advice into account, as she doesn't want him in the picture, then I have to bow out. I am executor, and my sis is back up POA. She can take over the POA, and I will stay as executor if mother wishes. It seems only fair to divide the work. Over the years, sis has done very little - just come for free holidays, and live off mother for a month at a time. She does live overseas, but nowadays with computers things can be done from a distance easily. And, frankly, mother may die before there is any need for anyone to act as POA, but I need a boundary there, from her asking me to do things for her, then criticizing me when I do what she asks. I am sick and tired of that game, and of her trying to ruin things for me.
I will be interested to hear what you will write about later. Men do have a different view of things quite often. They are not generally speaking, as good at knowing what make relationships work, as women are - normal women anyway.

Re the end of the year, I have found that narcissists will try to take advantage of any special times, holidays etc. to create trouble, and position themselves as the center of attention. More than once, when I have had plans for something special for myself ( not that that was often in the years before Gary), she would create a crisis to spoil it if she could, and as a result I was often too tired to do what I had planned. It didn't work this time! We had a lovely weekend despite her antics.

Best wishes for all for a good New Year! I am making some changes, to further protect myself. This has gone on long enough, and the coming year is going to be better!!!! Love, ((((((((hugs)))))))) and prayers - Joan

((((((((((sharyn)))))))))) we must have been posting at the same time. I am sorry about your mum. I understand that the doctor's visit and all that is happening is very stressful for you. Realise that what you are doing is for your mum's own good, even if she doesn't like it. Life has been getting more and more difficult and confusing for her. I am glad you and your sis are going with your mum, and that you have advised the doctor's office ahead of time. You are in my prayers for this afternoon. As they decline, it is harder on friends and family, and friends can be alienated. It gets too much for them, and I know you understand that. Yes, your mum will fight it all the way. I think it is due to the narcissism which means she has to be in control all the time. Even many "normal" seniors find this transition is difficult. My thoughts are with you. Why does it always happen when we have something nice planned???? Even though your mum is not quite in the same state as mine, it does make you wonder.
Big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))), many prayers and let us know how it goes. I will be watching for your update!

Hi all. I didn't mean to worry anyone! :) I have taken a bit of a sabbatical and distanced myself from several people who were draining me. I just got 'back in the real world' yesterday... lol. I had to dig deep to find out how to deal with all the chaos of my 'patient' and my ex husband (who I guarantee has alcohol related dementia!) and 3 of my teenagers who want to rebel. Thank God the fourth one isn't giving me any headaches. I finally got maggie to agree to go to the doctor on wednesday, so hopefully that will help give all of us somewhere to start with reasoning with her and for her to understand that this is a diagnosis, so she can understand why everything that is happening seems so hard for her. Her son and I tried to talk with her about it last night, and it turned into them screaming at each other and him yelling "You have dementia!!!! Face it!" and her denying anything... it was horrible. I went over there today and showed her the definition of dementia and talked and listened for a while and now she is very accepting of going to the doctor. Hopefully it will stay that way until after we go!! :) Anyway, nothing has really changed except my expectations and hopes. But that has made everything a little easier to deal with. Hope everyone has a great new year! Today is my oldest childs 21st birthday!! She almost died 2 years ago on Christmas Eve, from a drunk driver , took 4 months to walk again, so I always worry about her being out on nights where there are a lot of drunk drivers...... so I'm going to sit on pins and needles and watch movies tonight!

emjo, AMEN on the statement about narcissists who ruin special times as my narcissist older sibling just decided that my elderly parent could not come to my home for New Years' Eve. And as usual, never said a word about it until one hour before we were to pick up elderly parent. My son was really looking forward to spending time with his grandparent as well as his friends, so this was just pure evil on the part of my narcissist sibling who sees it as a "win." It is not a win as she is hurting our parent and does not care.

kdwildflower -glad to see you posting agan, and it is good news that your mil will go to the doctor. Remember that reasoning with a person with dementia is not very successful and many have to pretend they are taking their "patient" to the doctor for another reason, and clue the doctor in ahead of time. The very nature of dementia makes it impossible for them to reason sometimes. Glad you took a break - sometimes it is necessary.(((((hugs))))) over your teenagers and especially the child who was in the accident. Prayers that she comes home safely.
alabama - sounds like typical narcissism to me - need to be in control, and also to spoil othr people's good times. I am sorry. As you say, your parent is the one who loses, as well as your son.
Hope everyone has a good and safe evening, and that 2013 is better than 2012.
♥ and ((((((((hugs)))))))))) Joan

Happy 2013 and YES this year will be better!

Happy New Year!!!

Hi Everyone...a few days ago, I had to stop reading poster after poster of the family problems that sure seemed like a "full moon" phenomena. I just couldn't read it after a while and had to back off. Today, I'm able to read your posts without getting down myself.

Margeaux, you never want to ask your husband for advice with problems. I have found that with them, when you ask them, they cut to the chase and tell you what is needed to be done. Straight forward solution. Whereas, with females, we try to solve the problem with the least amount of anger, hurt or with emotion. So we go the roundabout way of solving the problem – which doesn’t usually work. So, you complain about a parent, their dementia, etc..and you ask for help, their response is really simple – mom goes out of this house and straight to Nursing home or assisted living. Simple. Whereas, we females want to try all the alternate options before THAT solution. And it frustrates the men because we don’t follow their advice, and continue to do what our heart dictates to us.

Sharyn, I’m sorry that your mom is quickly progressing in her Alz. It’s not just family now but extending to outside people (friends). Pr
etty soon – if she hasn’t yet – she will become a hermit. And then what I call the “wandering” stage – when she walks out and can’t find her way back home. I think you and sis will need to figure out a game plan for her future.

kd – I’m glad that you did get some down time away from those stressing you out. I hope your mil still keeps that frame of mind when it’s time to go to the clinic.
alabama – Yep, sounds like sibling did it on purpose. Unfortunately, they don’t care. In his/her mind – she did win. It’s too bad…

Hi everyone and Happy New Year!!!

It has been a crazy topsy truvy day here for us. Thank You Joan for the prayers as they are very much needed and truly appreciated!! Hugs back to you! We got mom into the dr., he ruled out a UTI and though he couldn't find evidence of a hernia he believes it is there but small and said not to do anything about it considering her mental condition and it pushing her forward. He did prescribe an antidepressant...Citalopram @ 10 mg. once daily to start. He also wrote a letter stating mom has severe dementia, can not live alone any longer and to please assist her family members regarding her care. He said we can use this with a judge if we decide to pursue legal action. He did advice that in his opinion it would be best to contact APS to come out to do an evaluation and safety check in her home. He said he would take of that call himself. I will be going over daily to give her the antidepressant later in the day because the pharmacist said it would be better to give then since it is more common to cause some drowsiness in the beginning. On the days I work, I will have to go over on my 30 minute lunch break which is usually anywhere from 4-5;30pm. My sis and I have laughed and cried today as we discussed plans of getting home health care in for a period of maybe 6 months so that (sadly she progresses) and we can place her with little confrontation at that time. I have been on the phone since 6pm making calls first to my brother informing him of what has come about. Sis and I discussed on Christmas what to do with mom's house when she is place since it is in the Living Trust and we can't touch it until she passes. We decided that my brother's younger son would be a good choice to live there since he has no small children to cause extra wear and tear. My brother agreed but does not want him living there rent free and that he has certain conditions such as pruning shrubs, cleaning out rain gutters ect, and we would continue the yard service and take care of what any landlord would take care of in terms of repairs. Of course all this is based on 6 months or so down the line. Now we wait for APS to determine what happens in the immediate future. In October when I took mom to the dr. she weighed 123lbs. she now weighs 111lbs. She is not taking adequate care of herself. When I went over her house earlier she want to bath before going to the dr. Her hair was greasy so she hasn't washed it in some time. When sis and I got back from the pharmacy today, she had a bowl of Corn Flakes with bananas for dinner. No wonder she is losing weight!! I feel so ashamed that I have not been more forceful with her but she is so combative and difficult that I would leave because I didn't want to argue with her. I ask for prayers that my mother can come to terms with the situation and be more respective to our help. I didn't get to make the prime rib dinner for hubby and me, instead we had eggs, bacon, sausage and toast...a heart attack on a plate, Lol!! We will do something in a few weeks as things settle down. Thank you all and I hope everyone has a great healthy New Year with peace and happiness!!

I want to thank everyone on this site for helping me in the past 6 months when I found this site. I couldn’t believe that there was a thread about dysfunctional families! I have vented here often enough to have benefited from it. I also have learned a lot from all your advice. Just as I have also learned from your experiences. Thank you!

I wish that for this year, we all are able to handle our caregiving with a little more strength and fortitude. And not go overboard in the stress department. And for any major decision about placing our parent in NH or assisted Living, to be able to carry it out with as little guilt as possible. Sincerely, book

book, I think there are at least three reasons for the dynamic that you describe between husbands and wives. 1. Men are fixers and tend to hear complaints or questions as a request to fix something. 2. Women are often raised to feel more guilt than men about putting mom in a nursing home or assisted living. 3. Very often, men fail to hear the complaints or questions from their wives as a request for emotional support or validation.

cmag you hit on the nail. I see this often with sis and her husband. she keeps gettg frustrated. and I keep telling that she needs to vent to female friends. complains that he don't get hints, etc.

alabama - I like your resolve! I am going to do it too - make things better.in 2013
cmag - good -points. Men are fixers, and more practical often. Women tend to hash things over more - or so Gary tells me.
book -glad you are OK to be here again. I have seen you make great progress since you first came to AC. I have learned from you too. I like your wishes for the new year. Reduced stress is high on my list.
((((((sharyn)))))) - what a turbulent time, but sounds like the doc has a handle on things. These transitions are never easy. Right now you have extra work with the antideoressants, but hopefully, they will help your mum's mood. I am so glad that you, ur sis and bro are working together to solve the future house issue. Please do not be hard on yourself re not forcing things on your mum. You could only do so much, and she has the right to refuse. Dealing with her at this stage of her disease will never be a smooth process. The right things are happening. You certainly have my prayers for her to cooperate. Hope you have a great meal with your hubby in a couple of weeks.
kdwildflower - hope your appointment goes well
yogi - how was new year???

Who has made New Years Resolutions? Mine is to set firmer limits with mother.
I will answer her emails, and tell her if she continues with accusations etc, I will drop POA. - her choice. She will deny being difficult, but it is there is writing!!!

♥ and hugs - Joan

Margeaux -you are quiet -how was New Year for you? Hope you avoided the dysfunctional family members. Did you do any more cooking?
love and hugs - Joan

Aargh. MIL started an argument with hubby again. Tonight she accused our son of eating her food, which was something he would never eat. She is obsessive about food. We have given her dedicated cabinets and shelves, but she buys so much, it is everywhere. However, her tastes are definately not the same as our son's. He did not get into the particular food she accused him of. When husband defended him, she got ugly. This is getting very old for me. We have always had a very positive home. I do not like the negativity. And I definately do not like how she picks, picks, picks on our son. He is a very good kid who does not deserve or need this. He won't eat her spam or sardines, but if she is that possessive, she needs to put her initials on it. Teenage boys eat. He is 5'10" and 130 lbs. I am not going to make him seek everyone's approval before he has a snack. Just venting. New Year's Resolution- find MIL own living space and definately more exercise.

Evil sibling guardian never followed up on a request for phone calls to elderly parent by me or visits with elderly parent that would include military son.. So thanks to this we have missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now New Years. i really believe that you reap what you sow.

MyWitsEnd - sorry about what is happening. Your son definitely does not need this, nor do the rest of you. You are right teen age boys eat. Did your comment about mil mean you may look at something like assisted living for her? It bothers me when one senior affects a house so much, and especially when there are young people in it. More exercise is a good goal. I should have that one too.
alabama -I am so sorry that you have missed your parent for these holidays. That is so unreasonable of your sibling. I don't understand this kind of behaviour, but you have mentioned narcissism and control, and no normal person does understand that. It is a shame!!!

Emjo-yes. She mentioned a.couple of weeks ago that she needs to be around her own things. Her initial plaans were that we would get rid of some of our things to make room for hers. We did give her space, but not as much as she wants, and we did not get rid of our things. Note, our furniture and appliances are fairly new. Hers is 70's era. I know they give her a comfort level, but it made no practical sense to part with recently purchased items to make more room for hers. We put it all in storage and have moved what will fit. She is thinking apartment. It is doubtful she could do that, so we are investigating assisted living. She has the financial means, no question. I think she thought she was going to come here and run the house. She is a control freak, and needs someone to boss around. We aren't letting her control how we live, and she is very frustrated with that. If this were new or recent behavior, I would be more understanding. But it is not. I met her when she was 58. I was about to meet husband's niece and nephew for first time. Niece was 7. She warned me that the 7 year old was a liar and not to be trusted. She found this out while playing cards with her granddaughter when she was 4. Held it against her every since. Completely irrational, but she is firm in her assessments. So, now, our son is stealing food in his own home. She is wrong about what she says he took, but even if he had, it is his home and he gets hungry. That is not stealing. I do not want the negativity in my home. It is not healthy.

MyWitsEnd - Oh yes, mother would take over any household she moved into, I haven't even allowed her to visit for years, as she is too difficult, and a control freak. I think you are entitled to your own furniture!!! It sounds like your mil is narcissistic. My mum is, and has been all her life. She holds grudges forever too. Yes, even if he had taken her food -for goodness sake! This is not normal. Most grandmas are happy to feed their grandkids. I know I am. You are right, her negativity is unhealthy for your family, Assisted living may well be the answer. Hopefully sooner rather than later. (((((hugs)))) and keep us updated. Joah

MyWitsEnd~It must be very difficult for you. Assisted living sounds like a good idea...a win win situation for all. Your poor son doesn't need someone picking at him especially over such a trivial matter. Boy I sure do remember how my son would eat as a teen. Some of the combinations he came up to eat are for another thread, Lol!! I could never live my mother because of her control issues. I hope you find an AL facility soon.

My goals for the New Year are to eat healthier and to include some exercise. That exercise does not mean a workout, just getting out more to walk. Today is my Friday then 3 days off. My original goal was to work in bedroom getting it painted, put the computer desk together and set up the computer but now I will be spending more time tending to mom. I am going to make Minestrone soup and a couple other things to take over to mom. I don't know when APS will be coming to her house...I hope they call me or sis so we can be there. This visit will probably push my mom forward, trigger more paranoia and anger. Yesterday she seemed to be more relaxed. She had no anger when I went over her house, I really expected her to be angry from the dr. visit the day before. She told me on Monday she will never to go the dr. again with me, Lol. She threatened to move back to PA again which we just agreed with her. She has no idea that the dr. said she should live alone anymore. Actually she thought the dr. my sis and I were scheming to place her in a NH.

Yes, I am very fortunate that my sis, brother and I can work together in harmony. There have been times this last year where sis and I didn't agree on things such as taking the car away when my sister wanted to last year at this time. We would agree to discuss it again in three months and evaluate mom's ability again. This worked out for us without having heated arguments over her care and it gave mom some extra time to be independent. My mom was diagnosed with dementia in November of 2010 after she had the hernia surgery. It seems like she is progressing quickly...maybe in part because of the personality disorder. She has caused herself much unnecessary stress with her type of thinking...then living alone has probably contributed to her fast decline too. Have a good day everyone, set some time aside for yourselves!!

I am sorry I haven't said nothing much on this forum but i told my boss about cps coming and going from my house making false allegations which 90 pct of the so called reports were definitely false but ..i notice that they are trying to stick me with unfit parent/caregiver. I can't lose this job I need it and if they say its on going i could have no more paychecks. I hate the fact that I am being harassed off and on. I am filing a greivance complaint and getting my case history from them. I need prayers...i need faith and i need some hope. The kids and us parents are getting along much better. I am in a downward spiral...i want to cry and I want to scream...I am taking my medication and I am dealing/coping as I should be making plans to see a new therapist...getting my son tested for possible attention disorder/aggression. oh Btw to peel the nut on the family tree my sis calls me instead of the other way. After i apologize for my drunk statement but was truth. her 4th baby has aspergers and she is due to have her 5th something this wk or next. I am gonna jet because tho I do communicate my feelings put the barrier always...fighting for my family battles here...need prayers if u will. ty and god bless on the new yr.

Burned~sending prayers that God will go what is best for your situation and positive energy for You!!

I have been helping my 88-year-old mom for almost 4 years, since my dad passed away. I can no longer take her nastiness. She asks for help with everything and now argues with me about the result. I tried to help her pick up a large package of toilet tissue in the garage and she yelled at me, "Stop treating me like a child!" I feel abused and disheartened. My two sisters don't step up to the plate like I do. I lost my husband 11 years ago to cancer, but the pain I felt then is nothing compared to this torture from a tiny, elderly lady who no longer treats me like a valued daughter, as she once did. I am completely at the end of my rope and no longer look forward to the rest of my life, such as it is. I never dreamt I would feel this way about my own mother. Any advice?