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sad tonight - a friend died. Hadn't seen her in a while, but we go back a long time and she was one of the funniest people I have ever known, and the most courageous.

I get back to posting again soon.
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Joan, sorry to hear of the loss of your friend.
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Oh Emjo..... I'm so sorry about your friend.
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Joan~I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend.Take time for yourself not just for the loss but also for your health situation. Hugs to you!!
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Hollis~I have read some of the posts by others on here and I must agree that if you feel this therapist was way off base, find another one. Find a therapist who specializes in helping the elderly and caregivers. There must be some out there. You are a loving daughter and I know your heart is in the right place. Hugs to you!!
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Margeaux~I hope all is well with you and you are feeling better about your sister and all that took place on Christmas. Thank you for the chants, it is working!! Getting my mom to sign those documents has been an on going problem since last October. We still have not heard from APS.

I am feeling a little guilt tonight because my bakery/deli manager talked with me today about my mom. Her purpose was to tell me to be prepared ahead of time, such as calling the union regarding my sick leave which I not used any in the four years I have been employed with this company. She is urging me to make sure that I am not putting my job first over my mother's care because it is important to not have regrets. I don't want to tell her about my family dynamics and how if I took a leave using my sick leave or even the family medical leave act that being with my mother 24/7 would probably destroy my mental health. I need my income and my insurance. I am not on my husbands insurance. What if I need my sick leave for myself in the future? I totally understand where she is coming from, but because of the abuse in my childhood that was a result of my mother's personality disorder, how do I know if I will have regrets? What I regret right now is that I never had a loving relationship with my mother, no emotional support from her, she never has said "I love you", she has only told me I am a disappointment, selfish, and irresponsible. I guess with Stacey (the bakery/deli manager) talking with me, it has trigger all those "old feelings" again. Damn it, I really have no idea what I would regret if/when my mother passes away.Any advise from all of you would be appreciated. Hugs to everyone!!
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Hi Sharyn, my 2 bosses are the complete opposite. They encourage me NOT to stay home when I take my vacation/leave. A few years ago, after I came back from "vacation", my boss had a talk with me. He said that I came back from leave worse than when I left for it. HE was the one who recommended that I PRETEND to still go to work on my vacations, and if the family calls, they will tell them that I'm on the road and that they can reach me on my cell phone. Works perfectly! I truly get relaxed from both home/work on my "vacation." Just recently, he wants to cover my ticket for anywhere that I want to go this year. I would love to go visit baby brother in Virginia Beach but...I'm still brainstorming on WHO can help with the parents while I'm gone????

Just tell your supervisor that there's 3 of you and that when the time comes when your mother really needs you, you will then take the necessary leave. She doesn't have to know the family dynamics. By saying that there's 3 of you, she will assume that all 3 of you (including bro) are working together on your mother's behalf.

I have a very sensitive conscience. No matter how badly father treats me, if and when he or my mom dies, I WILL feel guilty. Regrets??? Maybe a little - that I should have been more patient but....that will be thoughts After The Fact. My thinking is that I should not have as big of a Regret as my 7 siblings. I've done the most for the parents than any of them...because of my super sensitive conscience....
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Book~I love you friend!!! I will definitely let it be known that there are 3 of us covering her care. I know she means well, and bless her heart for that!! I talked with husband about it and he said, "You have been there for both your parents all along when all they could see was your sister." This is true!. He said it pisses me off when you have done what you have for them, you have raised two great kids, worked, and been there to help your parents and all they did was praise your sister or give her more because of her bad choices in life. I am like you in that I am very sensitive. I will actually withdraw from people if I "feel" that I am bothering them or if I did something wrong that I don't understand. Wow, I guess I have a lot of unresolved anger toward my sister!! This is something I may need to see a therapist for at some point. Thank you Book, you have opened my eyes to some things I didn't see before!! Hugs to you!!
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Oh and Book, it sounds like your boss has a heart just like mine!!!
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Sharynmarie- I think people who have not had dysfunction in their family cannot understand where you are coming from, really. Maybe, though, you can take something from Book's boss. Take a couple of sick days, but say you are going to work. Go get your nails done or watch a movie. Take a day for yourself. You need it.
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Aargh. MIL has rejected the notion of assisted living. She says she doesn't need any help and does not want to make friends. If she does not need help, why is she with us??? She is like a black cloud hanging over our house.
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MyWitsEnd, best not to use sick leave and then go shopping, etc... If you get caught or seen by a coworker, you can get in trouble. If you take sick leave, best to stay home all day. Gets boring. I'd rather take my vacation leave, and still go out and do some ME stuff. My sis told me that a coworker applied for sick leave. She was caught and the company said that her leave will not be paid or was it that she had to pay it back?

Uhm...I didn't think your MIL would have wanted to move to assisted living. From the different threads I read here, they usually fight against it with teeth and nail. So many stories on this.
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My witts end sometime it is not their choice to go to AL my husband would not to adult day care whicj at that time was only 5 dollars aday and the bus would have picked him up and I would have had a chunck of time to do things I needed to do and maybe get a nap because he kept me up a lot at night. Time passed and I had to plan to place him because he was too much for me and had abused me through the years he said again NO and in the family meeting at rehab I told him it no longer was his decision-of course mil will not want to make changes it works well for her-you have to do what works for you. A lawyer told my son that 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for-that was a wake up call for me.
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MyWitsEnd~You are very right that people who were not raised with dyfunctions such as abuse and addictions can't get their minds around it. I like Books suggestion of letting it be known that there are 3 of us covering her care. I just can't take a couple days off using sick leave, it has to be arranged thru the union and I have to be off more days than 2 to qualify for it. I think the whole thing just triggered old pain and sure, if my mother should fall and die while I am at work, I would most likely feel guilty and regret I was not there to prevent it, but it could also happen while I am there which means I still can't prevent it. I could spend more time with her to make memories, but my mom is not a loving person who (even without having Alz) would understand that concept. I can't hug her without her pushing me away so all in all, I am feeling better and know that I am doing all I can for her now. I am certainly treating her with all the dignity that one can bestow on a parent and that is more than she ever did any of us or my father. Well gotta go take her dog in for grooming and off to the cemetery to visit my dad for his 86th birthday today. Have a good day all and thanks for the feed back, it has helped me to see things better!! Hugs to all
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Shary all you can do is what you are able to and not have regrats-my husband and I went to a therapist together and of course he had plenty of complaints about me and that I was not perfact like him and she said sometimes good enough is good enough. I was good to my mother and all she did was criticize me and not that she is gone I know in my heart that I did the best I could with how she treated me-and also with the husband-I did beyond the best I could -both of them were very difficult people to deal with.
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Emjo,

I'm very sorry about the loss of your friend.
Peace to your friend. Hugs to you, Much Love, Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,
Thank you for asking about my family.
I'm doing much better from that fiasco over at sister's and mothers.
I have not been calling her much, because I got really bummed out to hear about the last dosage of all the back biting and refusal of everyone to be kind to one another. Besides, for me Christmas is not all that. I think people should act humane, everyday of the year, not just during some season.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm not related to these people.

When I read the first sentence of the paragraph your manager, making the remark about "regrets," I realize that she is well intentioned, but sometimes, the selection of the words people choose gives away some of their projection about a situation I'm sure you wish to keep private, especially at work. You're doing a lot, and are managing it the best way you can. Regarding your sick leave, and insurance, this is quite understandable.
The manager for however well intentioned she was to say this to you, the part about making sure you not put your job over your mom's care, etc., I believe she's crossed a boundary here too.
Well, please try not to allow other people to push your buttons.
It took me a very long time to disengage from guilt about the fact that I wasn't doing yet another task, taking on a responsibility that really my parents should have been attending. But at some point, I came to realize that some of it was my own self imposed guilt, just because I was so brainwashed and accustomed to this.
Anyway, Sharynmarie, you do what you can. But even as one must be careful to take care of their physical health, I really feel it important to take care of the mental health aspect, and how we look at the caregiving situation also.
Try not to doubt yourself, you are valued by us!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

If I may suggest for you to look up a technique started by a man named Gary Craig, called EFT. This stands for the Emotional Freedom Technique.
I use this to clear my body of some of the emotional residue. It works for me.
Much Love, Margeaux
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Austin~Thank you so much!! You certainly have nothing to regret as you did go beyond the limits for your husband and mother. I am happy to hear that you know in your heart you did everything you could for them. Bless you!!
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Margeaux~I am glad that you have been able to put all that nastiness of Christmas behind you and keeping the distance between you and your sister. I had to chuckle when you said you wonder how you can be related to them, Lol!! I have wondered that myself with my family. My bother used to tell me when I was little that I was adopted. Later I would laugh when I thought about that because I would think...it sure would explain a lot if I had been adopted!

I am not angry at Stacey for talking to me yesterday because I know it came from her heart and her Christian beliefs that "In Christ, we have no regrets." Like all of you, I know that God is with me every time I am around my mother because it is not my power that gives me the patience, compassion, and energy to be there for her. Like all of you, because of our family dynamics, our mental and emotional and physical well being is very important if we are to be of any use to our parents, spouses, children and grandchildren and even our employers. I have peace with all this. Margeaux, I will look up Gary Craig and EFT, thank you!! Hugs to you and everyone find peace in your heart, take care of your health!!
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Thanks all.
Quiet day today,
(((((sharyn))))) - those feelings do creep in - but people who have not had to deal with personality disorder/narcissism don't have a clue about our situations. I have the same regrets as you do - that family relationships were and are as they are. I am starting to regret that I did not draw firmer boundaries sooner, that I put up with as much as I did, that I got sucked in as much as I did, and did not protect myself more. This is very different from the regrets a person might have who has healthy family relationships. I don't think I will regret not seeing more of her, as seeing more of her invites abuse. It is so different from a normal family. Sounds like you are the scapegoat - no fun, I know it well. You are doing all a person can do - please know that and have oeace about it.
book - will you have any regrets about not looking after yourself better? I would not be surorisewd if your siblings have few regrets. I think they are quite happy with their choices, and that you do the work. they do not have your conscience.
MyWitsEnd - I like your suggestion for sharyn to take a break, if she can, but agree it is better to stay in the house - I am sorry that your MIL rejected assisted living. I hate the black cloud but agree with austin that it shouldn't be only her choice. caregiving is very hard on people.
austi -you are so right - we do the best we can with these difficult people. -and that is all we can do.
Things have changed for me in the past 5 years. I just cannot give/put up with what I used to. The stress is harder on me and a point has come where I have to pay attention to that and prtect myself more. Mother is now saying that she understands that I can't help her because I have Gary and a life with him. She has conveniently fogotten that Gary and I dealt with all her belongings when she moved out of her apartment. He is most willing to be helpful but she has rejected him. But is makes a good story for anyone who will listen, and she can play the "poor me" role.
margeaux -I know the feeling of not being related. I am so different to my mum and my sis. We have been brain washed to feel guilty. Sounds like you are doing a good job of detaching. Getting rid of emotional residue is important in keeping ourselves well.
sharyn - interesting that your bro used to say you were adopted

Thinking of you all - alabama, hollis, riz -what is happening with your bro, cmag - my memory is not good tonight - everyone -wishing you a good evening. ♥, hugs and prayers Joan
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Joan, today has been a quiet day for me as well. I am still waiting for the full impact of my thyroid med to kick in. I finish a month of it on Friday and get my 6 weeks test to see how it is doing in two weeks. It will not surprised me if my doctor increases my dose.

My wife went to PT today and learned she is now ready to use a cane! Yeah, no more walker. This long journey of getting her fully mobile again is about over.
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Emjo---how do you keep up with yours, theirs, and ours lol....truly a Wonder Woman!!! I can relate about feeling adopted...now I wish i had been!! At least it would give me a way out, but my nose gives it all away. On my end...my mum and I had a terrible knock down (again). She caught me crying in the kitchen, and asked what was wrong. I told her I cannot continue this way...Of course the next 4 to 5 hours were dedicated to reaching into the arsenal bag to see what we can throw. However, a most interesting development!!!!! I have wrote in journals for years. I happen to be reading an entry from 2009. My mother believes that I have an anger problem, but it is stemming from a past love. I do have anger, but not over him! It is her and everything I had to shoulder while moving her and caregiving her and her brother. I'm at the end of my rope. Ah...but the journal came to save me. The very beginning of this particular journal was dated July 2009. It has the same type arguments, the same outcomes, the same reactions by Mother. The difference was the mannerism I had in writing over the situations. You could tell that I was loving, caring and protective over my mother (haha..codependent). Upon further reading and talking with her, we discovered how she always HANGS onto what people have done to her, or said to feel not valued. She can remember things back as a child, to best girlfriends, her husband, and kids. In fact she went off on how someone badly treated her at a function over 10 years ago. She was visibly mad and yelling reliving the moment. Now..im not a shrink, but that does indicated some bitter resentment and holding unto the hurt like a loving child. I asked if she might consider that she could be clinically depressed for these past 10 years or even manic? You could tell that i hit a nerve. Perhaps even a good one. I suggested that we bring it up next time we see Ms. Shrink. Mother hasn't said anything because she is afraid this will be the start of taking pills, and well, you know...going down that road. I was very honest with her and told her this is where my own anger comes from by even reading my journal aloud to her. You could tell that I wrote as a loving caring daughter trying to figure out why my mom was so upset and why we disagreed. I have had to live with this negativity for the last 10 years (and more). I cannot deal with it any longer for fear of my own health. It "seemed" like a break through for now. We will see what it brings, because maybe it wont be remembered tomorrow. I hope peace of mind. I hope peace in all of our minds for all the situations we all are enduring. Peace be with us, even if it is for one goodnight's sleep. Love to all those who have lost there loved ones. Our best friends.
Thank you for all you love and support--big hugs for all
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Yesterday was quiet, but today my mother called me up this morning back on her theme of "I want to leave the nursing home." Poor thing thinks she can walk and do all sorts of thing like she once did which she has not been able to do for almost 4 years now. I know that my step-dad and his helper do not like her being in the nursing home which make me wonder if they get her on this theme of going home.
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Hi Everyone...

Cmag, I'm glad that your wife is slowly but surely improving. As for your mom, 4 yrs! of her still constantly asking to leave the NH...Too bad step-dad and his helper can't "borrow" her for a month (requirement that they fill out the month of her being with them). They will learn the hard way that she needs to be in NH.
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Book, step-dad and his helper would be lost within days and mom might be dead. He's 87 and in a wheel chair, His helper is someone that my mom hired off the street before her stroke and broken hip to help them at home. She also sits with another person from the afternoon until 11 pm when she goes back to my parent's house. My step-dad needs care to the degree that the helper now lives in the house with him. His short term memory has gotten really bad lately.
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Cmag~I am happy to hear you wife is progressing to a cane! This must a load off your mind. Now all you have to do is get your thyroid levels up. I know it is hard when your mother calls wanting to come home. It really is best to detach from those calls as best you can. It sounds like your step-father is not in a position to take care of her and it will only cause stress and confusion for all concerned. Keep us updated on your health and your wife's progress!!
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I have gained 30, going on 40 lbs since I started taking care of my Dad. Now I am on high blood pressure meds. Also, hurt my back when my Mom was on Hospice, and it continues to "go out." I am taking Rx meds for this as well. I feel so unhealthy, and years, and years older, and it has only been three years. I would really appreciate suggestions on little steps to get my health back on track. I feel so heavy and tired, ALL the time. Thanks, Teresa
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Envision~I too am on HPB meds and need to lose about 30-35 lb. I don't know if you can get out to walk. Take baby steps and start by walking up and down your street. extending it as you build up your stamina. I have lost 13 lb. just by not eat chocolate daily, Lol!! Yes I am a chocoholic but over the last 3-4 months I just haven't been eating it in the evening like I have been for "many" years. Hugs to you!!
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Hi to everyone!

It has been a busy two days off work taking care of things with my mom. I have thought about using some of my sick leave for selfish time off and not letting my sister know I am off work. I don't know if my dr. would go along with it by authorizing time off for being sick. I should call the union to see what guidelines are for using it. I could use a week off just to take care of things here at home and some down time to take some photos .I can dream!! I am pooped today, we got a new comforter set and sheets for the master bedroom and OMgosh, rotating the mattress by myself did my lower back in. I love the colors, the sheets are a dark red and the comforter is a camel brown. The sheets match the curtains and a silk flower arrangement I put together. Sweet dreams of us tonight and thermacare wraps for my lower back!! Hugs to everyone!!
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