The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

banshee & emjo: Okay...Great! Please, start the thread, I will follow! :-) I have a few more experiences for that topic that I could share. :-)

Margeaux, I too, am sorry for all that you are going through! Man, what is with all our families! I'm always saying, "Why can't we all just get along?!" Do you have anyone that can go with you to visit your mom? Maybe you can visit when your niece isn't home. This would be a very difficult situation, I think, for any of us who are very caring. I'm sure you want to see your mother as much as you can being that she is in stage 4-5 of Alzheimer's. I know time is precious...my grandmother died of Alzheimer's, my husband's grandmother did also, ans currently, my SD had been diagnosed. Quality time is very precious when it comes to this disease, so I'm sure that's why you keep going back. You have my sympathy!

Ty all for the support but as much it broke my heart his sister is too lazy to do things for herself but now its too late because as it stands I have paperwork to do and talking to a friend to keep her company and waiting for the kids to go to bed its their time. I miss my private but on the upside my bff from HS is moving to this direction to where her and I can help each other but TG i am over the nasty bug that I had.

((((((austin)))) That must have hurt you! I agree with your explanation. How sad for him to carry those feelings to the grave. Caring for him must have been very hard. It is hard enough anyway, but made harder by dysfunctional people.

Marge -what a story, Sounds like you are wending your way past the thorns.
Tilda, you wrote earlier and I am glad you shared.Please so stay and share more. Is isn't all over when it is over.
burned, I am glad u r better and your friend is moving near
thinking of jessie, Izabella, naheaton, cmag and other who have posted and wondering how you are. I was mia for a little while and got behind. I will catch up on my wall posts

CMAG-Thank you for starting this thread! I see we have a few things in common. We are the same age, only child, with a Mom in a LTC for dementia. Get Ready...Mom started really losing present time just before C hristmas. At first I tried logic, when she asked about relatives who are no longer living I would gently give her the correct data. After 8 or 9 times, my heart couldn't take it and just a few weeks later; the point is almost moot. We talk almost everyday, much less than before Christmas tho. She is now in the "going home" phase. She has to ask for my # everytime she calls. It is sad I agree. In her mind I should be able to fix everything and yet most days she thinks I am still in highschool. I have not yet opened up about my childhood, working up to it. I just try to be with her in the moment (I fail frequently) but if she starts attacking me verbally I (BARNEY FIFE) "nip it, nip it in the bud" HA!-HA! Anyway; you have done a Very good thing starting this conversation. Thanks

Hey everyone, I am learning so much by reading everyones posts... I too came from a family that the King ruled the roost with mood swings, ect... everything that ya'll talk about...
And I am in a situation of working with people who are not my parents, and it makes me feel so bad for thier children.... wondering how they became so successful and level headed after the things they have endured for a lifetime.....
And then there is my Sonny Man, one of 9 children, very poor as a child and young man, I have seen pics of his parents, and mom looks very stern... of course he only remembers things like when being called to dinner, you had better get in there while there was food on the table......and he is a sweetheart... always smiling, always saying thank you, laughing, making jokes, and tell him often how much I appreciate him.... will not say anything about his wife, as I am trying to not let her trigger me in regard to my dad.... and she is just like him...
So I know being with a parent is harder because of the memories, and the irony is, my dad passed away years ago, yet those feelings are still there... she can trigger me into a downward spiral sometimes.... especially the feelings of being made to feel small and stupid.....the constant work on reminding myself that these are just feelings, that I have lived thru it all as a child, that I am more loving and compassionate because of being treated that way.....
So just letting you know I value each and every one of you, learn from your stories and how you cope....am encourged and uplifted... thank you all for sharing such painful things about your lives.... you are helping many... thanks, hugs and angels....

Thank You Cmag, for starting this post. My name is Margeaux, and I was able to pour my heart out the other day here, I'm new. But I will definitely visit, and share more on the level of reading other's posts. Lot's of love and shiny lights to all,
Margeaux

Hi Jessebelle,
Oh I so identified with the things going on in your family. I certainly related especially to your take about what you said re: not owing to parents the caregiving out of guilt. It's quite interesting, in my family this issue. I am from a family of four siblings. I'm the eldest. We are pretty much like a step ladder in terms of age, one year apart and the last one, 2 years. This made it very tough on me, being the eldest. My parents worked full-time since we were very young.
Grandma was in the picture at first, but very soon....I became mommy. This is why I never had my own kids. I loved my parents, for what they provided, but somehow the nurturing, emotional part lacked greatly! So now as an adult in a caregiving situation, that I do at a distance, since my sister (considered the capable one) in our family-oh those roles, yes...they never die! is POA, in charge. She lives w/mom who has ALZ. Mom's sis was also living there w/congestive heart failure, and just passed away 3 wks. ago. But I've done my share of caregiver back up, relief, and visits. Our aunt who just passed, may she rest in peace, but really gave everyone a hard time throughout her entire life. Mom never stood up to her, and enabled abuse by my aunt. So in essence I've gone back & forth between feeling sometimes guilty, maybe that I don't do enough. But of course, while auntie was living there w/mom, it was so hard to go into the zone of battle, because this is what it was. Then my sister, who is great at running the show, but truth be told she, & my brothers, who never get their hands dirty in any caregiving work, totally hide the ball from me in terms of whats going on especially w/inheritance issues. By saying this, I don't mean to imply that this is a big motivator in my life as to my participation w/mom's health. But w/ the power holders, especially my sister (total control freak), it makes it very difficult for me on a spiritual level. Well, and I've heard way more often than not, that somehow the brothers in the family seem to not get too involved when there are sisters in the family. Do you have contact with the one brother that might be able to help? Anyway, I use some meditation to help me, lot's of deep breathing.
This seems to help me. But anyway, I just want to offer some moral support and share. You're not alone, my dear, Hugs! Margeaux

Hi 195Austin,
Thank you, for your suggestion, especially about maybe not going into that household. Yes, really I've done this at different times throughout especially what I call, "the reign of terror," while my aunt was still alive. Boy, somehow I was with some kind of wishful thinking fed by my sister's constant need for moral support, which I totally was and continue to be whenever my aunt was giving her and the caregivers a real hard time. I naively thought that now my aunt's passing was going to flow into a happy family, cooperating while still caring for mom and the ALZ. But, I forgot about or probably my denial about the dynamics w/sister-POA, and her daughter, who only seems to be a taker. My sister enlisted me about a week ago to go w/mom to doc's appointment on March 1st, to check her pacemaker. I said, O.K. My sister works 40 hr. job. So recently, she's drawn to my attn, that especially the main caregiver she's had for the last three years, she feels sometimes oversteps boundaries in terms of talking to the doctor's, making appointments, etc. I think this caregiver is great also, she is very affectionate w/mom, and put up w/loads, while auntie was still alive. But my sister seems to view this caregiver as wanting to make extra unnecessary appointments as my sister feels that this caregiver likes to get out of the house w/mom, because then they go out to eat later, and it's an easy day for the caregiver. I don't know about this. I however feel that at some point my sister allowed this caregiver to become too in charge of this aspect of the caregiving, because while my aunt was alive, my sister pretty much was not talking w/my aunt. Although, my aunt's behavior warranted some of this, sometimes I would for example try to suggest to my sister after she'd told me some horrendous story about auntie's rages, "has she ever been checked for Dementia, or ALZ?" My sis's response would be, "Who knows, she's always been a difficult person." So you see, any of my suggestions about complaints my sister makes to me, are many times dissed. I did go visit just the other day, w/my husband. He's great! That day also, I brought to sis's attn., that someone (her daughter, the taker) again left some article of clothing and a hair ornament on the stairs going up to second floor. She's doAne this before, and for safety's sake, I've suggested that this isn't a good idea. Someone could trip, and at bottom of stairs is a marble floor. My sis's response to this was,
"Oh, I always leave things there, that way it saves me having to keep going up and down the stairs, so many times." Now, I again here feel that my sister is trying to always draw attention to the fact, kind of like she's a martyr. But anyway, 195Austin, thank you for your suggestion, and honestly, I'll keep that doc visit, but I think I'm going to start becoming unavailable to my sister. I'm tired of this not being appreciated, somehow being still recruited at some level. Maybe I'll even suggest to her next time, "maybe you should call our brothers." Yes I do work, but it's been a bit slow at the moment. I like Yoga, and actually I'm driven to writing. Thanks for the hug, and hugs to you also, Margeaux

Hi UCan'tCare2Much,

I usually go by myself to mom's, since it usually ends up being me staying the night. But my husband goes w/me. Yes, if you read some of what I wrote to 195Austin and a visit just days ago, I'm definitely going to try to schedule the visits when both my sister and niece are not there. The main goal for me is to see mom, doesn't mean I have to see the rest of those people, and their fake egos, nor bad attitudes. Thank you so much for the suggestions, hugs, Margeaux

Ok--Deep Breath--I find it hard to share how I am really doing. Experience has shown me that "most" people would rather not know no matter what they say, so I am ignoring logic and taking a leap of faith here. I honestly do not know why I am still amongst the living.
I have been ill for almost half of my life, geez I don't even know how to start. The last year has been a blur. It started off with a chronic sore throat, followed by a kidney stone, then pneumonia, acid reflux, barrett's disease, a double positve DNA for gluten, blood test IgE allergic to corn and wheat, post menopausal bleeding, I am not producing stomach acid, my liver is not filtering properly, calcium is off putting me at risk of breast cancer too. So to sum it up I am allergic to beef, pork, wheat, corn, oats, barley, and rye. Add to that 22 years of fibro pain and a stomach that has a mind of it's own. It sucks, but I have a great DR. who practices functional medicine. I have been off of all the pain meds for almost 4 years as well as any anti-depressants. I am just coming off my last script which is for anxiety.
The really cool part is I am healing. It seems slow but here is what research shows: the fibromyalgia is a result of chronic imflamation due to 54 years of poisoning myself with wheat-gluten---it (the damage) is reversable. I also tested positive for 2 potential pathogens and will know a couple weeks if 3 months of natural antibiotics killed the little buggers.
What follows is one of many reason's I belong on this site: In one of her more sane moments mom told me we were both diagnosed allergic to all those grains when I was 8!! I remember the Dr. telling me, but in my 8 year old mind I thought "allergic to wheat...better stay away from the fields during haying season" I could only relate allergy with sneezing. But mom knew and understood. She CHOSE not to follow the Dr.'s orders. And so here I am.

Just as a side note: In my research I watched a video my doctor loaned me Unlocking the Mystery of Wheat & Gluten Sensitivity by Thomas O'Bryan DC, CCN, DABCN this is what I found...1 out of 5 brain disorders including Alz. is directly due to gluten sensitivity.

So both my parents had G/S and I have a double whammy. The father I never knew died from MS (auto-immune disorder like fibro) and mom with dementia. If you think this might apply to you; contact enterolab online and for $180.00 the red cross will send you a simple mouth swab kit and decipher the results. Insc.
will not pay for this.

Add to this that 3 of my 5 kitties died last year (relax) they were 18, 17, & 18 years old and all are disabled. This week we almost lost Baby, she has been at the vet's all week but is back home with a feeding tube and her future looks brighter than it did last week. Life...it happens if we are ready for it or not...it is how we deal with life that makes all the difference.
That being said, I am open to hear any advice or your story or even a joke.

WOW How cool is this? Mom just called, threatening to elope or commit suicide (don't worry...threatening suicide has been her control over me since I was 15) so we spoke of alternatives to her living arrangements. She wants to "go home", I told her it was a possible, but no family lives where home used to be. Anyway, she wanted me to find her Dr. (of 40 plus years ago) so I went online and I FOUND HIM!! The allergist who diagnosed me at 8 years of age...guess who is getting a blast from the past tomorrow? I would never have found him without her help on the spelling of the name. Mysterious ways indeed!

Do you think I should tell him about my pets? I had allergy shots for 10 years and when I told him I wanted to stop he nearly had heart failure. We compromised and I took them thru ragweed season. I stopped because I had a friend (native american-as am I) and her life revolved around her horses, I found out she was diagnosed allergic to them...How did you overcome this I asked; she replied "I just decided I wasn't going to be allergic anymore." You can do that I asked? Ah-h-h youth...but I lived with 6 indoor cats and a sheepdog for almost 20 years...so something worked!

Margeaux, You keep doing what you know in your heart is right...everyone else in your family will have to answer for themselves when the time comes! You will have NO Regrets! :-) (((((HUGS))))) back at you!

banshee - native american, eh? I have a treaty card - by marriage. I also have allergies ( wheat, barley, oats and rye, and all dairy, watermelon and a few others)which I have not been able to overcome, but once had a bout of asthma when I had some other ailments and told my body that I had enough to deal with and was enough, I wasn't going to have another òne, and I haven`t. The mind can do some wonderful things. I hope you don't let your mum control you with threats of any kind.That is not good for you.
Let us know how your doctor's visit goes. Amazing that you found him. Don;t know about the pets, I was allergic to cats and some dogs and don't seem to ber now. They are such good companions. At my age, I am finally getting to know horses and can call myself a wrangler. Sig other breeds them. Never too late!

Marge, I know you feel you are on the right track and I agree. There is no need to subject yourself to abuse from anyone. I agree with Ucant!

Banshee, I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. I've read your post a couple of times, and I thank you sharing! I learned a few things: 1) Gluten sensitivity is directly related to Alz. 2) There are others, like me, who have trouble sharing how they truly feel (I have not done so as of yet). I always say, "OH, pretty good." 3) I am going to look into this Gluten sensitivity a little deeper...it may help me...I have IBS, maybe it's related too! 4) There are so many of us who are animal lovers, and will do everything we can for them because they give us unconditional love. 5) No parent is perfect, that's for sure! So, I really do appreciate you sharing! I also hope sharing "How you are doing" has made you feel better! I do believe that "most" of the people here DO CARE! Take care! :-)

ucant - the IBS may be related to gluten sensitivity. have you tried eliminating all gluten? It isn't easy, as it is found in most processed foods, but can be done. I have been without it for years. I am glad you feel people here care. I think they do and sharing your feelings, when you are ready, helps. Our family has struggled with IBS issues, and found that modifying your diet helps.

My wife has IBS and finds that avoiding dairy products or drinking only lactose free milk helps her a lot.

I am glad to see more people finding this thread and that continues to grow.

Prayers and hugs to all and to all good night.

I think that is a good idea having her call your brothers to help out-they may not even know how bad your mother is if they never spend time with her-my mother hides things from my brothers and one only tells her his problems and hardly ever calls and never goes to see her but has time to go to the cape during the summer.

When my husband was alive and people asked me howI was I always said pretty good hoping they might be interested why I did not day fine-I think most people do not even hear your answers.

195Austin, You are so right...I think most people ask how you are doing out of habit. They probably walk away not remembering what your answer even was! There are a few of us out there who do listen and care...I think, maybe, they are ALL on AC.com! lol I am certainly enjoying all the comarderie here!

emjo, Thanks for your input...I am trying to cut out as much gluten as possible right now...it is hard to go "cold-turkey"! Unfortunately, one of my greatest weaknesses is pizza.:-(

Since I am on the "How are you doing" thread...I'd like to take a few minutes to ask anyone who reads this to pray for a dear friend of mine. She is another super human being who needs all the support she can get! (she has Leukemia) I had a long visit with her yesterday, and found out that even in her situation, most of her (large) family is "ignoring" her! Why is it that friends seem to be there more than family? I couldn't imagine not helping out! I had a close aunt that passed away 5 years ago, from cancer, and I was always there for her...unconditionally. I don't know why she didn't tell me about this sooner...maybe she is ashamed of all of them. I just thought, once again, how dysfunctional ALL families are!...But, that's another topic!

OK...my bad...It's actually this topic too! :-)

cmag, I also LOVE dairy! How cruel this IBS diagnosis is!!!!

I find myself getting more frustrated everyday. I am the caretaker for my father-in-law ( my husband and I moved in with him last year). He is a 78 year old, O2 dependant ( severe copd/emphysema ) , and alcoholic. He is also never wrong, very rude and stubborn.
I know from what my husband told me, that my FIL was abusive to his wife ( who has been deceased for 35 years ), and never emotionally there for his children.
Since my husband and I have moved in, we have had to deal with a sister who is a drug addict, who we had to evict and serve a no contact order and another one who moved in that is mentally ill.
I sit back and watch the dynamics of a dysfunctional family at work. There is drug addiction and alcoholism. There is dishonesty, denial and shame. No one is happy.
I do not like my father-in-law and I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. Everything is a battle; from getting him to change his urine stained clothes, to washing his hands. Anything I suggest, to enable him to feel better, he argues against. So, here I am, watching a sick, old man drink himself to death and adult children that are unhappy.

dgrey63, What terrible living circumstances! I'm wondering just how long you will actualy be able to put up with him! You are taking on way too much stress for YOUR well-being! I wish I had some advice here, but thankfully I haven't had to deal with this type of problem. Hopefully, someone here has something for you! I know I'd be running-from-the-house-screaming!...But, I'm sure that is not an option for you! Read all you can here...my sympathy to you, Beth

Dory I am so sorry for what you are going through-I do not know how you stay there-is there a possibily your husband would go for counsuling with you.

I am sorry I misselled your name.

WOW! Cmagnum, I was backtracking this thread and read your post about dysfunctional families, and how we do this dance of not standing up for ourselves I did this for a very long time myself, as I was the eldest of four siblings. When I was a kid, I always felt as if I had to figure out everything myself, as I was from that generation, from remember "latch key," kids? Maybe for some of you that don't know what this is, it means basically the kids came home to find the key hidden under a door mat, or a plant. It meant being home alone, usually since our parents were at work. So I just got so used to being in charge, not being emotionally equipped for this job, of being three other siblings mommy. My sister, who always was acknowledged by both my parents as being smarter, more capable. So for all of my input during childhood, it somehow didn't get validated. My mom also while my sister and me were very young, placed unreasonable demands that we do all the cleaning of her house. Mom had a real weird relationship w/her sister (who was always in our lives) she was narcissistic. There were no boundaries w/respect to her. But anyway, mom used this as a guilt trip w/all of we, her children. e.g., of course my aunt would buy us things. But at times there would be some verbal abuse by this aunt. Mom never put a stop to any of that. So because of mom missing in action as a real parent, I feel that now that my sister is POA, MPOA & living w/mom, she feels somehow I guess she's trying to make that last ditch effort to get some of what a genuine parent should be to a child. I love my mom, but I let go of that illusion a very long time ago. Thanx for writing about this, I'm trying to learn more about this. I realize that at least in my family the boundary thing seemed non-existent. Good conversation! We're really on to something on this thread! Have a great evening to all! Margeaux