The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I’m hanging on by a thread. My older half Sister doesn’t like my Dad and uses that against me. I’m a 57 year old man and she has called me a boy. She has a ex navy seal recovering alcoholic friend or boyfriend that indirectly took my S&W MP Bodyguard 380 pistol from me over a year ago. I bought it for self defense and going to a target range. He said he knows how to clean guns real good. I went to my Honda Civic and got my gun in a holster I bought a couple months ago before. I let him have it thinking he would return it to me. He didn’t and I haven’t seen it for over a year now. I have attentive ADHD and my Mom is 92 years old with dementia and she calls for me every hour or so when she’s awake. I can’t get paid as her Caregiver because her Social Security income is over $2000 a month and she can’t get free home care because of it also. I have been at home with my Mom everyday and I have had no income for over 2 years. I have talked to a Therapist through Sondermind by video conference over a year ago and that wasn’t really helpful. She called the police department and had a deputy come to the door of my old apartment when my Mom was at the hospital with Atrial Fibrillation in icu. Because I was alone with our small dog Dobie. I relish being at home alone like I’m getting a break but I don’t want my Mom at the Hospital. You get it. I can remember my Abuela telling me me over 30 years ago about my Dad’s situation at home and she’s Cubano. “This is not the life” How history can repeat itself in a different circumstance. Not a good one at that. I have felt at the end of my rope but I haven’t let go. I am seeking a Social Worker and my Mom’s a retired Social Worker but hasn’t been one in over 40 years. I was telling her there’s a difference between a Caseworker and a Social Worker. I’m single and have no kids so no backup to speak of and having to be home because my Mom’s mental disease. It seems as though there’s no way out but there’s a release. My older half sister has a beach house in Corolla NC that she drove to with her friend to get it ready for renting. Gone for 2 weeks and I wouldn’t mind going to a beach like at St Augustine. I need a break. So that’s my story and I’m doing what I can to see the light. I am looking forward to seeing my favorite guitarist in concert for the 12th time in Atlanta, GA Nov 20th. El Maestro Yngwie Malmsteen from Stockholm Sweden. He shreds on guitar. Over and out. Take care.

"I became the one person in the family that wanted to heal,

So I became the treat"

A quote I read on Instagram, not sure who said it. But it's soon true

🥰 Today’s words of wisdom:

“Don’t allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them.”

🥰
Hold my halo.
I'm about to do unto others as they have done unto me.

regarding toxic/dysfunctional people...

Pre-annoyed (adjective)

You knew this person is about to p***ss you off even before they say anything.

🥰 just a bit of humour:

“Be the reason everyone else needs therapy.”

Hi sharyn - Your hub was very ill with sepsis and pneumonia. And covid brain fog is a real thing indeed. That on top of unregulated diabetes would really do a number on him. I'm not surprised it will take a few months for his organs to recover. They are now seeing similarities between long covid and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, brain fog being one of them. I get it sometimes and it's hard to concentrate. I won't attempt to do things that are complicated or to drive. It wouldn't be safe.

R is doing better. Yesterday he was pleased as he remembered something he thought he would not have remembered earlier. I would agree - I see him slowly doing better memory wise and the aches and pains are easing with PT and some meds. I hope the neurologist can do something about the dizziness which is better, but still there. According to the PT, it's a disconnection between his brain, his eyes and his ear balance organs. He doesn't feel it when he is sitting quietly.

I agree, Your husband should be thankful that you care enough to schedule appointments and go with him. I know you don't have an easy relationship. Definitely as we age healing takes longer.

Take care and enjoy those grandkids and pets and keep us updated.

Golden, yes regarding R and the concussion. It can take a few months to recover from that as well. I’m glad you are watching that. let us know how R is recovering after seeing the neurologist. My husband said to me after the appointment, so you are the one who scheduled this! I said yes, be thankful you have someone who cares and is concerned. I’m not conspiring against you. He is70 years old now. Unfortunately it takes longer to recover the older we get ha!

Golden, Yes. We went to the dr just a bit ago. She told us that my husband had sepsis and pneumonia. We were not told about that, however, I could not go to the hospital after day 3 of my husband being because I was positive for Covid. I did call everyday. My daughter went on the weekends since her boys were not allow in and her husband is working nights during the week.

now that I know he had sepsis and pneumonia, I understand better what is going on with him. Dr said it will take up to 3 months for his organs to completely recover. Covid brain fog is a real thing we were told today

🥰 today’s words of wisdom:

Success (noun)

Walking from failure to failure until you win.

Sharyn - sorry about your husband. It sounds like he was quite ill for a while. Covid can leave many nasty after effects. Hopefully he will come back to his norm, I think you are wise to be on the alert for dementia. R is healing from his concussion. I watch him carefully to see how it had affects him. He is trying to get into a neurologist as the dizziness is still there at times.

Anxiety, that is what I am thinking too. Yesterday was just a hard day for him. He is still sleeping this morning. I will see how he is when he wakes up. He even called our daughter after dinner and she told me he wasn’t making much sense.

i hope everyone has a sunny day.

SM, it sounds like your husband is getting his dreams and reality confused, I would mention that to the doctors. So sorry. Let us know how things go.

SharynMMarie,

Sorry to hear about your husband. That does not sound good.

Yes, I do have such a thing on my phone, but I need to make it loader to get my attention.

Yoda, regarding your meds..can you not set times up on your cellphone where an alarm goes off to remind you to take such and such a medication now?

My hubs got up this morning asking me if we were back from our vacation East of here. He said we were staying in a house exactly like ours, even the furniture was the same. My cats were there and very comfortable with the surroundings. I asked him a few minor questions since my goal was not to cause any alarm for him or to argue about it. Then I said have you eaten breakfast, he said no. I said let’s go out for breakfast (this was to redirect his thoughts). This has been very alarming to me after having two parents with Alzheimer’s. Yet I’m reading about how Covid brain fog is very real. My hubs will not admit he is struggling even to the dr. I’m going to call the dr office Monday.

Here's a good one that I heard today.

"Those who make you feel uncomfortable have no business being comfortable around you."

“The scars you can’t see are worse than those you can. Heal them, and you’ll heal yourself.”

I'm sorry Yoda, 😞 hope things gets better for you.

Sleep wise the last two days have been rough. I've taken two long naps each day with, as usual, inadequate sleep each night. When I woke up at 10 pm last night after 3 hours, I thought that I had slept through the entire day and it was the next nap. It sure takes a lot of energy to stand up from a chair and I am almost constantly leaning forward on my desk putting my weight on each arm.

I realize that much of this is due to narcolepsy which I'm waiting to hear from a specialist about seeing.

Today, I received word that one of my Amex cards was canceled due to a failure to pay.

I looked it up and discovered it had not been paid since it was due in August. I went ahead and paid it in full plus the fees. I don't know how that escaped my attention. Also, I have double-paid what was due on a few credit cards for a month or two. I am really getting bad about taking my meds like I should. 

What is wrong with me?

SharynMMarie,

Sorry to hear about your husband. That behavior sounds very strange. Keep us posted.

Yoda, yes I read part 3.

Im Very focused on my husband. I have noticed he has no bar soap in shower since august sometime. He won’t use shampoo. I asked him today why he isn’t using soap. He won’t give me an answer.

He either has a depression or a cognitive decline. Why else won’t you not use soap. I’m not a man and I know men thing different than women, but he looks homeless most of the time.

im going to call his dr tomorrow.

It sure is quiet in here. Where is everyone? Although its 2:15 pm, I am going back to bedl

Ok, I have reached some closure by writing this last and this time short blurb. Then, I will go back to bed.

What I heard from my mom while growing up.
 
I am glad to hear when someone shares that they experienced a good mom.
However, when they verbally make a list about them, it often triggers me to think.

1. All I ever heard from mom in response to an accomplishment was don't let it go to your head.

2 All I ever heard when I was all emotional was don't feel that for I will feel it enough for both of us.

3. Constantly running down my dad and saying that she really wanted a girl not a boy.

4. She tried to raise me on a pink pillow for as she said, she did not want me to be a man like my dad.

5. She made me a substitute partner whom she called mom's little man plus told me that I was man of the house which meant that I had increasing responsibilities to tend to things at home and by the time I left for college wondering if they were going to make it without me.

6. Mom told me from age 10 onward that our relationship was special like other moms have with their sons which continued after she married again.
 
Once I saw how wrong all of this was, I told her before leaving for college in a very serious voice and very much in her face which backed her up against the wall "you are married now and have been for 7 years, let me go." This was the start of my recovery which had started when my mom's doctor told her to stay home and let me play football. My dad said that experience was my salvation. Even after high school and most of college, this was not an overnight change, but I kept trying to gain more and more freedom.

In going forward, I made athletics and academics my way of gaining more male influence and as one therapist put it, seeking to prove that my mom's efforts to the contrary had not worked.

In academics, I reached as high as one can go. On top of that and from that I wrote a published book.

Concerning athletics, my dad said that I was in semi-Olympic condition my junior year in college. I wasn't even playing any college sports. I just wanted to exercise. For example, once a week I would run 8 miles in 46 minutes just for fun. The old gym and pool were in the next building to where most of my classes were. I often swam between classes, and I rode my bicycle everywhere. In my mid 40s I was in powerlifting competitions from which I retired with a max bench press of 315 and I'm only 5ft 7. I went from that to learning TKD with my sons for years. I did eventually get therapy, but I never got totally free from that early influence.

Please mamas don’t make your sons into substitute spouses.

SharynMMarie,

Did you get a chance to read part III of what I wrote?

Anxietynacy,

Thanks and possibly, but I have spent years still living in those coping mechanisms before getting a therapist who could see what they were and how to help me. Most coping mechanisms provide a sense of control like female rape victims often feel when they take a shotgun with them to the place they were rapped. That's a very minor example. Thanks again. Nite!

SharynMMarie,

One more thing and this is for you and your husband who sounds like he was partnered by his mom. The title of the book,

When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

It may be too late but who knows. There is also a more explanatory book about how those partnerships develop.

Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

It's likely how raw I still feel over it, but to call this between a child and a parent enmeshment is lame and not really honest. It is covert incest often called emotional incest.

SharynMMarie,

Thanks! Unlike sis, I only slept 3 hours last night whereas she slept the whole night for the first time in about a week. I called her today to check on her and was glad to learn that she had slept well. Although, I did take my before I eat pills today, I somehow managed to miss the rest until tonight. I hate day like today and my med reminder app on my phone reports that I'm only talking about 61% of my meds each week.

I decided that while we were on the phone that I would tell sis a new label for where we are now since we left being inlaws long ago and most recently have left being siblings. I told her that in my opinion she had earned this title from our lived experience of sticking by each other through thick and thin and hoped that I had earned it as well. When I said that we are each others ride or die persons, she said that she had never heard of that term before. I said this is a country word for two people who through lived experience have come to know how much they can trust each other because of how close they stick together through thick or thin. She said that she liked that phrase. This is a complimentary phrase that is earned not given. She has earned it. As far as I'm concerned there are no more levels.

I'm glad that your daughter and you had that honest conversation. I'm puzzled about counseling for I'm on Medicare also. My therapist takes it plus the supplement that I have which helps. Keep looking for one. Do encourage your daughter to get some counseling for herself.

While I tried my best to be discrete, I did in places leave myself wide open for whatever. I am glad no one decided to take some cheap shots.

When I left for college after my senior year of HS, I got very serious with my mother and very much right in her face and said, look you are married now and have been for the last 7 years, let me go. That's the nearest I ever came to saying what needed to be said but later I learned the words for it.

Some may not want to believe this, but my various therapists have told me that such is more common than people think.

Yoda, much of what you wrote struck a cord with me within my own dysfunctional marriage and origins. It is heart breaking when you can’t have the close relationship with your spouse that you want. I know I’ve been very difficult towards my husband, yes I have become as stubborn as he is. I became wore out from always giving into him and his mother. We live together, but live separate.

I am very happy you have your sis to talk with. My daughter told me I made her my emotional support person. It broke my heart to hear it but it was true. I tried to get counseling in the last year, however Medicare is not accepted. I did find a place where I would be counseled by an intern. That did not work out as after I poured my heart out to her, she graduated sooner than expected. I didn’t want to start over again.

i always enjoy communicating with you as things are brought up for me that I have deal with. Stay the course

Sharyn - glad the hear the boys are doing well, Time passes quickly. I remember their preschool days. So glad they are doing well and that you have such a good relationship with them. They bring some fun into your life. We all need that! Sounds like your pets are doing well too. Take care

Part 1.
 
To answer the inquiry about my spouse, I must answer in three parts.
This is a painful report to share. First of all, my spouse was diagnosed with
borderline personality disorder several years before we met, but never told. Our premarital counselor told me privately, that he could tell that she wares several masks. I had no idea what he was saying but I learned later on. From the start, her mom was a huge problem. She only liked passive, dependent men like her husband who she had convinced had promised to obey her in his wedding vows. Never once did my spouse object to her mother how she was treating me totally unlike her identical twin sister who I learned had stood up boldly to her when she attacked the man she married. Through talking with my therapist, thinking about
things over the years plus talking with a trusted retired friend plus my SIL, I
began t see clearly what I have been avoiding which the boys wanted me to come to terms with. They don’t know the whys like I do, but they see the results and what I have been through and what they went through.
My SIL was raised primarily by her dad. Unlike my spouse, SIL refused two things her mom desired. 1. To make her a substitute emotional partner like she was already doing with my spouse. 2. To tell her as she did with my spouse all
about her sex life with her husband from which she would talk about how bad men are trying to turn her away from men. Only last year, did my spouse tell me
that her mom made her a substitute partner. As this and other things were gone
over, I began to understand how being her mom’s substitute partner placed her
whole life in bondage, why several things from the past now made complete
sense. Her SIL was still shocked at how their mom behaved before our wedding.
For example, that morning, she told my to be spouse to go to hell. Why? Because
to marry someone, particularly someone like me who would stand up to her, meant her substitute spouse was leaving her. I have never felt deeply connected with my spouse like most married people do after 36 years. Her mom always came first. We could never have our own Christmas, Easter or anything else without her mom either being with us or we being up there. When our first child was born, her mom told her that he was her baby and she was going to take him home to raise. Before my spouse had even given birth to him, she told her that if he looked like me, she would reject him. This toxic woman insisted on going on all of our family vacations until I put my foot down and said enough. Since, 1998,
my spouse has had therapy, individual and group. She went back to her former
therapist who told her she was borderline. Years later, she witnessed her mom
abusing our boys just like she had her and her twin. I thought that was the
breaking point as did her therapist, but no. A few years later she said in a
group meeting for married people that she knew she had emotionally and verbally abused me and our sons. I knew that was true and had been trying to be their therapist, but in time I got them and myself to a real therapist. Also, one
night, she just said out of the blue, I am sorry for what I put you and the
boys through so I could stay in the will and inherit all that money which had
already been planned for as a trust fund to never be inherited by me or our
sons if she died before me. That was not an apology, that was an explanation.
There have been uncalled for problems between the two sisters in which my
spouse was abusing her sister verbally and emotionally during which I didn’t
stand there and watch. My SIL has done the reverse for me which has increased
over the last year or so. She has also told me things since July 4 that were
new. Various events related to her fighting cancer in 2000 & surviving plus my
showing her some mental health information which helped her to understand her
life and why her mom was trying to destroy her marriage. We became a team instead staying apart & dying mentally!