The limits of our responsibility...
I found this very wise post on another (financial) website; I think it is good cautionary advice.
The OP wrote in that her mom, 58, had recently suffered a stroke, was refusing PT for balance issues and was probably not going to be able to return to work. The mom has no savings and still has a mortgage. She is resisting all offers of help from her adult child.
"...When in similiar circumstances, the toughest thing for us was to think about the problem dispassionately: to acknowledge that the limit of your responsibility is to connect your mom with services and to be supportive of your mom’s decisions —good or bad; to decide firmly that Under no circumstances should you consider doing anything that will negatively effect the finances or structure of your marital family unit.
There are natural consequences to your mom’s past and present actions/decisions. You can NOT want things for your mom any more than your mom does. If she chooses to ignore advice, pass on services, avoid decisions, etc then that is her decision as an adult and she alone will live with the consequences. It’s possible that by getting a social worker from Area Aging Agency involved that your mom may find her way to counseling that may start to chip away at the underlying mental issues. Best wishes."
If the NH is not doing what they need to, YOU don't pick up the slack. Talk to the social worker, the director of nursing and make sure changes get made.
Otherwise, go to the State Ombudsman.
If your husband has dementia, his behavior is almost certainly due to the damage his brain has suffered, not real indiffernce to you. Will visiting less make this easier for you?
response to questions, and anger at my attempts to help him are very hurtful. He cannot walk, has a catheter and is bedbound. I bring him his favorite foods and talk to him but he could care less. This is very difficult and has me dreading my daily visits. My kids come very rarely.
I would so appreciate some advice. Thank you all!
I honestly am at the point now, where even though she needs constant supervision and my help for almost everything, I'm so tired of dealing with the fallout from her impaired judgment from years ago, that I'm just about ready to throw my hands up and say: whatever happens, happens - I have my own life & family to take care of.
It is not a matter of "rescue" anymore. It is now a matter of existence.
And, I did have a talk with her yesterday to let her know that if she did not want to exercise, fine with me. However, lack of exercise comes with consequences, which I pointed out to her.
It is simply NOT your responsibility to rescue her.
You only have control over your own actions, not hers. You can't care more about her situation than she does.
I really need to print this advice out and print it on my forehead to view everyday in the mirror. Right now I have, ‘sucker’ printed on my forehead.
I automatically have said to myself that if my mom did not listen to reason then I had to assume responsibility for her and just do what needed to be done.
My thinking was it would save me trouble in the long run or thinking if I did things for her that it would prevent future problems. Neither is true, of course. At best it is only delaying a problem.
Our parents are not our children. We teach our children to learn by allowing them to do for themselves, not by doing things for them all of their lives.
It is perfectly acceptable to help someone over a hump if needed. It isn’t acceptable to continue to do more and more and more and then some more to where it becomes never ending.
When our parents become helpless it is heartbreaking and my emotions got the best of me. My empathy for her meant sacrificing myself. Lack of balance causes anxiety, depression, loneliness, frustration, confusion, guilt, etc.
I have a small amount of help, two four hour shifts every other Friday that a sitter helps mom. I’m grateful for that because until recently I didn’t even have that. It really isn’t enough help though. I think about what the right solution is for me daily. I also ignore it daily. We get stuck in a rut.
Thanks for sharing this food for thought.
She’s always been like this, but it’s much worse now that those decisions are making her own and my father’s life even more difficult than they have to be. He’s a stroke survivor with almost no spoken language. She has caregiver burnout, but accepts almost no assistance that she might have to pay for, even though they are in good shape financially. She has always refused any sort of psychological therapy, and is even more resistant to it now than ever. It’s hard to watch either of them in pain under any circumstances, of course, but the avoidable suffering that she’s inflicting is worse. My mother loves my Dad and me as much as she’s capable of loving anyone, but her own emotional limitations in addition to her current anxiety, and possible cognitive decline, are adding up to a perfect storm of intransigence.
I love her. I truly do feel bad for her, but also angry at her. I try very, very hard to take the highest road I can, listening with compassion, but still setting boundaries. I feel like she’s drowning and not only refusing every rope I throw, but (consciously or not) trying to drag me down with her.
They are in an independent living facility and have close friends there, which is a relief. I know that they’ll have help (whether she wants it or not) in a true life-or-death emergency. I have spoken to the staff, who I understand can not intervene except in extreme circumstances.
Blessings to all of you as we march forth.
Unfortunately for the people who usually come to this website that kind of advice comes too late.