My 87 year old mother is currently in a nursing facility. This all started due to a severe case of spinal stenosis. She also suffers from anxiety and depression. She was hospitalized numerous times, went to 4 different rehabs and ultimately had surgery. This has all been going on for 5 months. Coincidently, this also coincided with my retirement (I am 60 years old). I have 5 siblings however I am the one who is handling her financial affairs and I am the one who is the primary contact for doctors, caseworkers, etc. Lately, I have found myself feeling very resentful of the situation I am in. I retired so that I could relax and enjoy myself however my retirement has been anything but relaxing. My siblings are good in the sense that they visit my mother however I am the one who must now deal with getting her affairs in order while at the same time still dealing with doctors, caseworkers, etc. with any issues that may arise concerning her. I feel like I am "on call" as numerous times I would be driving and would get a call from a professional regarding my mother. I have had no respite from this situation. I try to take care of myself by eating right and exercising however am finding that even that is not enough. We have all tried to help my mother yet along the way she has refused to help herself (refused to take anti-anxiety meds, refused to leave the house and socialize, etc.). Though I feel bad that she must spend her remaining days in a nursing facility, I honestly believe that she brought a lot of this on herself. We have done all we can for her. This has overshadowed even happy times that have occurred in the last 5 months (my son got married out of state in September and I did nothing but worry about my mother back home). I have not slept well in months and my primary care physician prescribed medication which I am hesitant to take. There are days that I just want all of this to go away then I feel guilty that I feel this way. Anyone else ever feel this way? If so, how do you move on? I am seriously considering talking to a psychologist about my feelings as this has affected all areas of my life and that of my husband's as he also retired in June and has obviously been affected by this situation with my mother. Thank you in advance.
Today we went to visit. They had a party at the memory care facility. She didn't like the presents-a hat and gloves. Hubby wanted to put them on her-she started screaming. I asked him to stop, no, let's just try them on, more screaming. I'm getting jittery. Mother launches into the "headache" routine. "I'm sorry ", I say. Then hubby notices that her glasses are broken and she's missing a lens. I'm getting madder. "How did that happen?" "I don't know". They find the lens and hubs tapes it up. Hopefully I can find her other pair at home.
She complains about people stealing her things and hitting her.
I get up to readjust her glasses and my purse slips off my shoulder and taps her on the nose. She pretends to faint. Yeah, she won't respond for 15 seconds. She's fine- just an actress. I'm at the end of my rope and walk out before I loose it.
I ask hubs about her in the car and he said, "She "woke up" and asked if I was gone.
What a visit. I give up.
We can be thankful that they don't live with us-been there, couldn't do that. I think mom and I both want it over.
Do I want it all to go away. Yes, of course and not just for me. Mother does not have much quality of life left and she is ready to go. but it is what it is.
If today isn't good enough. make some changes.
Sending you love and hugs. I know its hard. Like the others have said you are not alone in your feelings. I know everything is easier said than done, but don't feel guilty. You have to take care of yourself as well. Talk to the therapist or counsellor, join a support group, do whatever is needed for yourself.
My back hurts.
Hugs to you, and by all means speak to a therapist - or a counsellor, or just come here and vent. I think we've all found huge consolation simply from sharing our feelings with people who've been there.
Incidentally: you feel as though you're on call 24/7 because you are. You're never quite "off duty", not even when you know that your loved one is in safe hands and you're supposed to be getting down time. I don't have the answer, just hoping again that it might help to know that you are normal :)