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My mother has been narcissistic, mean and nasty life long. I cared for her for out of duty for four hellish years. Now in a NH her journey down looney toon alley is outta sight - calling me screaming and getting me into a stroke/heart attack situation. I will visit, ensure she has all she needs and attend to her financis but I'm kicking her to the curb.

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It's not the same but we're always here for you. Hang in there girl!
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Thanks Lynne. I have been doing that and may rely on that again. I do think it is good to meet these people face to face so we both know who we are dealing with. They are making some important decisions. These one I have not met before. I think part of it is that my friend is gone. She was a real comfort to me when I went down and I don't have any girlfriends there any more.
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Veronica thank you.

Emjo do you have to go at all? It's so hard on you and puts you back to somewhere you don't want to be. Could you talk to the psych doc by Skype or some other means of teleconference? There are a lot of free programs/utilities for that purpose.
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Yes well done Lynne. Looking after you. I sure understand beating a hasty retreat when visiting. "You want something from the store, mother? I'll go right now." This visit I don't think I will see her at all as she hasn't been taking her juice with the meds in it, and I can't take any more of the paranoid accusations. We will see what the psych doc comes up with. I am getting tired of these trips...
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Well done Ashlynne you have done the right and only thing for your own survival. It is well known that the abused can't let go of the abuser and in the case of children often protect them and deny the abuse. You will heal because you want to and you have seperated from your abuser and put yourself somewhere where she can't reach you, Of course there is guilt it goes with the teritory but you have done the best you can and in the end that is all that matters. She would not be any happier or receive better care if you were looking after her and soon won't even recognize you.
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Just an update. Since my mini stroke, TIA or "funny turn" whatever you want to call it while driving I've been nervous to get behind the wheel, just going a short way along back roads to the village. Today, 2 weeks later, I went grocery shopping in the next town and I was fine.

I now take my phone off the hook at supper time and leave it off overnight. If my mother has a problem there are skilled staff on duty 24/7 and there's a hospital 4km away - I'll deal with it tomorrow. I don't know if I'll ever recover completely, but already I'm more calm and not living in fear and dread. Baby steps.
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I'm getting pretty good at fibbing. I hadn't been out for several days (snow drifts) but I had to get milk today so I dropped off chocolates, apple juice and dried apricots. She was in her room preening and powdering her nose because at lunch Joyce (a table mate) had said come to my room after lunch (which is done at 1 p.m.) and I'll do your hair. By this time it was 2.30 and Joyce was playing bingo.

Her call buzzer had been going for a long time and I turned it off as she didn't need anything. The staff care for her wonderfully but I suspect they're getting tired of running to her every beck, call & whim.

She started in on me about "Well, what do you think about me getting a house and someone to live with me. I'll have to advertise for someone. I can get in and out of bed, walk and go to the bathroom by myself." At that point a nurse came in and her attention was on getting to Joyce's room. I said well I must go take care of the dogs - I have a big lab and my mother's little dog, so that was fine by her - and I fled

As the nurse and I walked down the hall I confirmed with her that the standing, going to the bathroom alone and so on was completely untrue, just a product of the dementia. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother wheeling herself out to go to Joyce's room and get her hair done. I knew that once she discovered Joyce playing bingo and unable to attend to her immediately she'd throw a tantrum and cause a scene - I bolted like the devil was after me.

My new phone number is now in effect and I'm starting to feel better than I've done in years though I've a long way to go I'll still visit and take her treats but if she starts on me "I have to let the dogs out, they've been alone for hours" allows me to escape. A dog nut, very many years ago she got a puppy weiner dog and wanted it to sleep in the bed. My father (RIP) said no dogs in the bed so she moved to the spare room with the pup. My father spent the last 12 years of his life sleeping alone and going everywhere by himself as she preferred the dog. Nice lady eh?
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A reactions sets in after and you are pretty vulnerable. Glad you are being gentle with you.
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pstegman, that's what it comes down to in the end, surviving. Since changing my phone number I'm so tired all the time and a bit light headed. I've been staying up late, getting up to let my dogs out to potty then going back to bed for a while. I've only done basic chores and often napped mid afternoon. Somehow it's like the stress of a lifetime is draining away and, after 60 years it will take a bit of time.

I live out in the country and soon there will be hundreds of snow geese on the fields, the tree in the backyard will be in bloom and the asparagus & rhubarb will start to pop up. There are deer & wild turkeys, frogs and toads in the pond and I sit out on the deck until dusk drinking it all in. Nature feeds my soul and I feel that once spring arrives I will heal.
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The one thing I have noticed among caregivers, is that they can carry the burden longer when only the body stops working and the mind remains clear. They can still connect with a loving relationship. What seems to push caregivers over the edge is when the patient has a total unrecognizable personality change for the worse. They're not just dead, but deadly. Yup, that's right, deadly to the caregiver physically /emotionally /mentally.
Hats off to rioblu for being so strong, Hats off to ashlynne for surviving.
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Thank you emjo. I wasn't trying to be mean to anyone. My phone number change hasn't taken effect yet. My mother called me this afternoon. Not nasty but thinking we 2 should go on a vacation come spring and the greeting card she got yesterday, that was immediately stolen, hasn't turned up. Okey dokie.

She said she'd tried to call a former neighbour (staff dialed for her) but the number was gone and she was horrified, being long distance, that it cost $5. That gave me my opening to say that my phone is playing up, I use it so rarely, and, to save $60 a month, I may well get rid of it and just use cell. No point in her having the cell number as I only have it on went I want to use it. She totally agreed, having been a miser since my dad died 15 years ago and took care of & paid for everything, so it may be that my escape will be easy peasy.

The odd thing is that no-one in the family ever went (if you'll excuse the expression) looney tunes. She has the best care there is and I do the best I can, but I refuse to let her drive me into a stroke or heart attack.

rio do you have help? Can you get help? Do you have siblings who could help? Do you have a partner and kids who could help? No-one can help if you don't give the whole story.
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rioblue - certainly you have a lot to deal with. Nobody is disputing that. However, I think what you perhaps don't realise is that Ashlynne has dealt with a mentally ill mother all her life, has been abused since childhood and still hangs in there doing what she can for her mother, while taking some steps to protect herself and she needs to be supported in that. Have you read what she means by "kicking her to the curb"?. It means not taking abusive phone calls. I have enormous sympathy and understanding why she has done this as I get abusive crazy phone calls too. Mental illness in a parent takes a toll that no one who has not experienced it can imagine.
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Ashlynne - They are all "it". My mother was diagnosed with diabetes at 59, She had a heart attack at 64. And her addl diagnoses are as a result of complications of both in addition to her age. Her vision complicates her overall care because she can never be left alone and requires contact guard assistance. She also qualified for Medicaid under the LTC waiver program as based on her medical conditions she is nursing home eligible. Oh how those *drop- down- 1 selection choice only- boxes* on websites can't fit everything in...
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ash -I am so glad you have taken these steps. Absolutely you need a break. A lifetime of abuse has to stop somewhere. Don't I know it. Enjoy the peace ((((((((hugs))))))))
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BTW, one thing I noticed was that rioblu doesn't mention having dysfunction in the family. Taking care of a narcissistic parent is the work of angels, and even the best angel can only do it for a while.
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Have to chime in here, since these things can all be related effects of diabetes that wasn't well controlled. Trying to pick out one thing to list on the AC profile can be a bit confusing. For example, my mother has diabetes, spinal stenosis with mobility problems, and dementia, but I only chose Alz/dementia for my profile, since it is the one I have most problems with.
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nioblu, from your profile: "I am 45 yrs old and caring for my 93 yr old Mother. No family to help. My father passed away 6/2012 Totally burned out and tired.. I am caring for my mother, living at my home and the primary ailment is vision problems."

From your last post: "My mother has senile dementia, congestive heart failure, diabetic retinopathy, legally blind & neuropathy".

Well, which is it? No disrespect but I tend to ignore people who can't get their story straight.
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Debralee, as happens sometimes, I believe that rioblu has provided a rather sketchy profile and is now feeling insulted that it has been assumed that her caregiving role is not as onerous as others' might be, when in fact she has a great deal on her plate.

Rioblu, I salute your energy and dedication. Not everybody can aspire to so much; and some people have shorter tethers than others. But once you've got to the end, you've got to the end. Have a heart for those who have, indeed, reached their limit.
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rioblu, not sure if your comment is an insult or an understanding?
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Ashlynne ---- let me tell you how LUCKY I am. My mother has senile dementia, congestive heart failure, diabetic retinopathy, legally blind & neuropathy. I work 10 hrs per day on a full time job & prior to may Aunt & Father's death I was responsible for 3 seniors - by myself. My aunt was bedridden with Alz & my father had heart failure. The main comment I get is " I don't know how in the world you do what you do." and BEFORE all that happened I drove 4 hrs every other weekend to check on them when they were still living @ their own homes & I did this for 14 years do to my living & working on the other side of the state. I have lived & worked - yes worked using a laptop- out of hospital rooms. And my comment still stands - and the keyword is "I".
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Ashlynne, considering the hell you went through, I am glad you finally found peace in your life. Wish it could have been sooner. Enjoy your life in your own sanctuary with your four legged companions, they will alway give you unconditional love.
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Thank you all ... you are so precious and without you and my beloved dogs I'd be in the looney bin myself by now.

rioblu you obviously have not come to the stage where you'll have a heart attack or stroke if things continue as they are. According to your profile your parent has vision problems, nothing more? If you're super lucky that's all it will be and you'll never have to cope with alzheimers or dementia, incontinence, wandering, being wheelchair & bed ridden, evil wild imaginings, verbal and physical abuse, never really sleeping because you're "it" 24/7, constantly calling an ambulance in the middle of the night and racing to the ER for falls, broken bones and other stuff. I realize you mean well, but until you have walked in our shoes ... lucky you!.

I'm still a bit shaky but I'm taking a few days (or as long as it takes to straighten out) for me. I don't need to get away as I live way out in the country on 2 acres and this is my sanctuary. Since changing my phone # I'm staying up late watching movies, sleeping in, hanging out with my critturs. My phone number has been changed and is unpublished so I no longer have to fear the phone ringing with screaming tantrums.

I met with the NH admin yesterday and we decided on fibs. The first time she tries to call me and gets "not in service" staff will tell her my phone is out of order. When I next visit and she asks, well I rarely use the phone so it's gone and I just use cell, but no point in her having the # as I only have it on when I want to call someone.

I'm not there yet but already I feel so much peace in my soul. Thank you all.
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A new journey, same story, different players Take care of yourself first.
Blessings
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To walk a mile in someone else's shoes....?

Ashlynne take time away.. She is being cared for! Hugs...
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I am very tired of taking care of my mother but I could never "kick her to the curb".
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Ashlynne, have you ever been in therapy regarding the horrible parenting you had? You deserve to fully heal, and if a professional can speed that process, I hope you will/are taking advantage of that.
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Ashlynne, your mother will settle in quickly I hope, but that's (forgive me) not what I'm really interested in. What strikes me is that YOU need time to adjust, too, to the relief of not having her in your face the whole time, to the difference good professionals can make (these ones sound promising), to the huge change you're going through - which will also give you more mental space to reflect on what's gone before, which is another can of worms…

Expect turbulence! And look after yourself xxx
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I met with the NH Admin today and we decided to fib. When my mother tries to call and gets "no longer in service" the staff will tell her my phone is out of order. Next time I visit and she asks I'm going to say I rarely use it so I'm just using my cell now but there's no point in her having the number because I only have it on when I want to call someone. I guess it takes a while for the number to change as she called me this afternoon and her only problem was that she'd received a greeting card this morning and someone stole it. She's at the stage she'll believe fibs.
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Ash, confront your pain, but mom won't even know what you are talking about or remember. Walk away and go home and shit in her favorite chair or something. Vent here, that must help you. Come one girl, just spit it out.
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