Uber driver's comment rankles me
I was speaking to an Uber driver from Kentucky last week. I was telling him I live in the midwest now to take care of 5 elders in my family, and that I am exhausted on every level.
He told me his gf is from Ethiopia, and they don't even HAVE care facilities there for elders. They ALWAYS have them live with the family until they die. And while I've never been to Ethiopia and am not certain about this culture, I wanted to say that from my endless reading on this site, it's also SO not cool that one child usually gets to carry the brunt of caring for the family's elders. That's no more wise, healthy and ideal for the seniors than invariably living with the family after one would prefer to have trained help.
Neither extreme is possibly right, and what I learned from his comment is this: I will do it while I can do it, while I choose to do it, and when I can't do it anymore, or they need more care than I am willing to provide, I will walk away and leave it to the professionals.
I've already realized the alleged inheritances my brothers (who are doing nothing) and I were promised will be eaten up by their elder care. OK, that's past. Now, I will focus on doing the nicest things I can for as long as I can and realize that letting go when I can't do it anymore is just how it is.
I am striving for healthy boundaries now.
7 Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- My father's caregiver won't let me speak to my dad and his cell bill is no longer in service. What should I do?
- What do you say when you are given a gift card and that 20.00 suddenly makes you an employee in the eyes of the giver?
- Men's room wheel chair stall blocked or too small or bars on wrong side of stall, male caregiver. Can we use the women's restroom?
- Have you had problems with agency caregivers not showing for shifts?
We have choices in our country.
We have to do what is right for us no matter what the rest of the world does.
Wealthy families hire live in staff to help care for elders. Poor families have no choice but to provide care at home. The Uber driver was probably correct, there likely are no residential care facilities in Ethiopia.
A friend of Mum's went to Nepal about 15 years ago with her daughter to adopt a baby girl. Due to bureaucracy, a 3 week trip turned into a 3 month trip. Now Velma has had white hair since she was 50 or so, she would have been about 70 at the time of the trip. While they waited for the paperwork to be processed, they explored around Katmandu. One day they were going to go on a hike, the guide almost would not allow Velma to go on the trip, he felt she must be very old and should rest. She was far fitter than most and enjoyed her hike.
When we DO speak with immigrants from other countries it can be so mind-expanding. Ethiopia has now a state (province, whatever they call their divisions) in a State of war with the greater country at large, having tried to split off from the country into independence. As a result there are 1,000s fleeing to areas of safety, and the international community trying desperately to get water to them; there are no tents or shelters (or were not as of last week) and yes, they would be taking their elders with them. As was observed already, many will not survive among the young and the old. Across the world this is in many places the facts, immigrants fleeing on unsafe boats across the mediterranian sea, drowning. While we sit safely watching Fox or CNN and thinking our sides in one matter are all that matter in this world. Helpless to do much about it when we DO see it.
Some were confused, against, disgusted, or surprised at this Residential Aged Care.
I find it really interesting to discuss. As Zippy said, age expectancy is very different in Africa! A broken hip is a death sentence in many places. I was told 'people in my country don't get dementia'. When questioned, apparently some old people forget where they live & get themselves lost (wandering?) go crazy seeing things (hallucinations?) become fearful (paranoia?). If someone falls alot they stay in bed. If someone cannot chew, they have soup only. If they forget how to eat - no-one forces them. Fade out quickly.
In China they are having an aged care crises after decades of single or low children families. Children having been educated & moved urban. Rural parents left with no family caregiver in sight. They are introducing Res Aged Care. India I believe is going the same way.
What I say is I'm not saying one way is better than the other. Just what DID work in 1900s, with large families, all living local does not work now in 2000s with smaller families, spread all over the globe.
So SeniorStruggles, back in time (or Africa) your 5 elders would have maybe 6 kids & 40 grands to do sharecare EACH. But you (ONE person) have all five! Unless you have magical powers - that is impossible to provide in your home.
Some people can do it without getting rankled. Boundaries up.
Comparing your caregiving to those in one of the poorest developing countries does not help your exhaustion. You are exhausted, for real!
Your plan to do this while you can is a good one!
Makes "senior" care much easier when you have so few seniors. They also don't a population imbalance (more seniors than children) like most of us in the West and Far East do.