I am the oldest of 4 sisters and I have taken care of our mother in her home for 10 years. She has multiple health issues, including dementia, diabetes, incontinence, seizure disorder, heart valve replacement, and strokes. Her safety awareness is absolutely zero and since she is stubborn, she goes ahead and gets up from her wheelchair to walk around without letting me know. Sometimes she falls and 3 years ago broke her hip. I have rails up all around the house for her to grab onto just in case. Recently mom went into the hospital due to stroke-like symptoms and now is in a rehab facility. My youngest sister called two mornings ago and said "there is absolutely no reason why mom should EVER fall", and she said that I should be sitting next to mom every minute of the day that she is awake, and use a baby monitor at night in case mom should get up to use her commode (I have it next to her bed). I am blown away by that phone call. I am stunned. She sees mom about 2x a year and has flatly refused to take care of her for even an afternoon or overnight, so that I may get some time off, because "she has to work". I could go on and on, but I really need some ideas as to how to respond to her idea of perfect caregiving.
I haven't had one day off for a year now so I decided to hire a live in that will care for my mom while I can catch up on 1 years worth of things that have been ignored. They said they would watch my mom at my moms house but not mine which they change their mind hourly. That won't happen. I stopped believing in my family that we are family cause I soon found out were not. Family does not do this to each other. Make one person the sacrificial lamb. I would not do that to anyone else because that's not who I am. So I woke up and seen the real picture and that was step out of my families box and hire help and stop wasting my precious time on them. Your a great person doing what u r doing and don't waste any more time focusing on what they r telling u what ur not doing.
God bless you
Look you are doing the best you can taking care of your mother for a decade. If your sister has not stepped up finanically or physically to care for your mother in 10 yrs it isn't likely it will happen soon. I would tell her you don't need her critical opinions or comments and if she wants someone by your mother's side all night, she can feel free to hire and pay for a home health aide for 7 nights a week. That would be several thousand dollars a month. I doubt if she will go there but if she would, welcome the help. :)
Elizabeth
Nothing you say to your sister is going to sink in to her brain. She is free and clear of the responsibility of caring for Mom and she plans to stay that way. Part of her ranting at you is guilt she will never admit to. And part of her rant is distrust of you because if she was in your situation, she would be securing her "inheritance." So she thinks you are doing the same thing.
The next step in this common scenario that you are living through is that your sister, or one of your other siblings not directly involved with Mom's care ,will come down on you with accusations of stealing and undue influence. One of them is going to come to visit, and while your back is turned, this person will have Mom sign a power-of-attorney. Mom's mail will be diverted, her checking account changed, and you may even find a new mortgage on her house if she has one.
You need to consult an attorney to learn how to cover yourself against allegations of elder abuse and protect any assets your mother has left. If you cannot afford an attorney, your local legal aid nonprofit may be able to assist you. You also need to find a caregiver resource center in your area. Some centers are able to provide respite care while you attend caregiver support groups. The people in these groups will be able to assist you in surviving the time you have left with Mom. Good luck.
Anyway, when we first starting taking care of my grandmother, she has severe alzhiemer's and parkingson's diease, my brother would constantly call to make sure that we were 'doing our jobs right'.
Now we live in Michigan, he lives in Washington state. Obviously he was not coming to visit very often.
About two years ago this had reached a breaking point between my parents and himself, with him threatening to call APS on us because grandma had a bruise on her head from a fall.
This was also right at Christmas time, so it was one of those rare times when he actually was in the house.
The ending result was that after this huge fight we left instructions on how to care for grandma, our daily routine with her, and then packed up and went away for a couple of days to a local motel leaving my brother and his partner to care for Grandma. They insisted that they could of course do it better at the start and didn't understand why three people were having so many issues with watching her.
The ending of the story is that by the end of a mere 48 hour period my brother was begging us to come back. Since then we have had no issues with threats or judgement from him.
happy people. It really works and gives me a lift. We have to find what makes us happy under the circumstances.