I am the oldest of 4 sisters and I have taken care of our mother in her home for 10 years. She has multiple health issues, including dementia, diabetes, incontinence, seizure disorder, heart valve replacement, and strokes. Her safety awareness is absolutely zero and since she is stubborn, she goes ahead and gets up from her wheelchair to walk around without letting me know. Sometimes she falls and 3 years ago broke her hip. I have rails up all around the house for her to grab onto just in case. Recently mom went into the hospital due to stroke-like symptoms and now is in a rehab facility. My youngest sister called two mornings ago and said "there is absolutely no reason why mom should EVER fall", and she said that I should be sitting next to mom every minute of the day that she is awake, and use a baby monitor at night in case mom should get up to use her commode (I have it next to her bed). I am blown away by that phone call. I am stunned. She sees mom about 2x a year and has flatly refused to take care of her for even an afternoon or overnight, so that I may get some time off, because "she has to work". I could go on and on, but I really need some ideas as to how to respond to her idea of perfect caregiving.
I am the youngest of 5 kids.... NO ONE helps. NO one. Yet I am the bad guy. I have put my entire life on hold, gave up all social activities, job/career, etc for this, but I should be in prison?? I don't get paid to do this. I do this out of love. That is all. I just don't get siblings!
I'll bet you'd love to sit by your mother's side all day. All you need is a staff to run the household while you are doing that. Someone to cook, clean, set up medical appointments, pay bills, etc. Oh, and someone to take over the sitting job when you go to the bathroom or take a shower.
If Youngest Sister really wants to learn about caregiving the elderly and the common risk factors, there are many ways she can get educated. If she just wants to criticize you, I think you should gently and firmly disengage from that conversation.
We call that the "Daughter from (insert name of distant city here) Syndrome". They know EVERYTHING you should do, and will tell you, from a distance. The only time they are ever *smarter* is when they parachute into your life for a few days once every few months/years, in which case they can be even more bossy.
There is no such thing as perfect caregiving for the elderly/infirm, since the dynamics change continually. And, I am sorry to point this out, but the fact of the matter is that unlike child-rearing, where they grow up and flourish, in this case, the situation is not going to get better (until it is over, that is). There is no happy ending. We are just doing the best we can, with quick sand under our feet.
Tell your sister that if she wants your mom under constant supervision, and totally safe, that she will have to be sedated 24/7 and kept in bed. If you want Mom to be as mobile as she wants to be, it would cost thousands of dollars to hire enough staff to have someone on either side of her at all times to catch her if she falls. Its a tough thing to wrap your brain around, but you cant protect them from everything, and bad stuff happens.