I had to go into my office briefly today, and as I got in my car, my phone rang; it was a neighbor who dad considers his "buddy" calling to let me know that dad was there....seems when I left and shut the garage door HE had not taken a key so he was locked out. I was rushing on my way to the laundromat but stopped home to open the garage door. When I came home an hour or so later, (no luck at the laundromat so just a quick Costco run), HE was gone, the garage door was open and the door from the garage to the house UNlocked. HE had left mom alone and the house UNlocked. YES it did push my buttons and I left him a note that read
"How stupid are you? You cannot leave mom home alone let alone the garage wide open and door unlocked. I am not your mother."
ANd you know what that little piece of you know what did? He wrote on MY note at the bottom "OVER" and on the flip side had the balls to write
"THANK GOD FOR THAT"
AND THEN he left another note of his own: "Can you call Captel and ask if they can send someone to set the phone up for me
Thank You!
XOXO
It is not plugged in now
(not to worry he does not hear it and doesn't pay attention to the flasher anyhow). He's like a two year old. NEeds something every 5 minutes. YEs, I will do it, only because I will insist they NOT send the miserable rep who was out initially who was arrogant and obnoxious and thinks she knows everything. SHe wanted to gain access to my room where the modem is and I refused. That was before covid:-) Now for sure I don't want her in here!
IF it's not her it will fall on me. OY. I suppose better me. TEmpted to do it now, but need to check your guidance on washers etc. and get some sleep.
JoAnn: Please do not read my posts going forward...one of us stressed is enough.
Barb Brooklyn: I'd advise a client to be sure and shoot straight LOL, but mean to be honest in stating the reality of the situation which I did.
Gladimhere: Burnout hit some time back. But to be clear this is MY MOTHER who is bedbound at this point and the 104 year old is my VERY capable in many ways father. AGE does not mean someone is debilitated necessarily and the fault of what happened last evening is mine for not confirming he WAS home as I believed or I as in many times past would never have left. Neighbors know all of us and are supportive and would defend my/our care and I am NOT intimidated by APS if they would be called. Hell, I work at the local office on aging, mayors know me, and there is a load of people who would, if needed, convey my level of care and attentiveness including the folks former MD. Neither parent would receive better or more care in a nursing home or other facility and no one has any knowledge of we could even afford it, at least one of the nicer places. YOU try to find someone on short notice to sit with an elder. And again my 104 year old father while dense, is very capable, walking, gardening, mowing the lawn etc. Climbed a 10 ft ladder day before his 104th birthday to trim some branches....He may be dense/clueless but is able to keep an eye on mom with an adequate level of care. Funky G, NOT trying to prove anything to anyone. Really getting sick of judgemental comments here which contribute to stress and seriously considering following in ALva Deer's footprints. I know how lousy the care is in other placess and I am no being a marryr but will not let the end of my parents lives go down that path. There is no family here but me. FRiends are not often who we think they are and not as dedicated when it comes to being truly present. I do NOT intend to die for or before them and do hope to make some changes but considering the circumstances and how demanding Agent 104 is, I'm not expecting much. It was always mom and before that his mother and sisters who kept him in line and babied him, taking care of every need/issue. Geaton 777...have to ask...is that your favorite plane? Yes life IS a little unhinged at the moment and every once in a while the door hits you in the head. Burnout was in the works since last fall when the aorta dissected and I will have no repeats of that. Not possible to take care of me first with this father of mine who can't see his demands and guilt inspiring commenets are a contributing factor. MR "you never help me with MY problems" I spent most of the afternoon trying to get his damn captioned phone set up. THIS is the care arrangement WE have decided on and while hospice has had its surprises, I am not as a whole unhappy with the decision, I just wish more family was around in particular my sibling who feels zero responsibility toward our parents.
I do genuinely appreciate the well meaning concern and am constantly striving to get caught up and take better care of me and my pup. I have faith with a nap, we'll get through:-)
Cheeky beggar.
I'm not completely sure that the "how stupid are you" part will have encouraged him to reflect on his actions and think more carefully in future. Is the only thing. Otherwise I'm right with you!
With Hospice involved, I doubt if you want to move Mom at this point. Maybe it just venting and thats OK VENT but tell us that is what your doing. I do agree, this is getting too much for you. One person cannot care for two. One person can't care for one. Who ever thought a parent would live to be 104.
I know, you want everything just right for Mom. You don't want her upset in any way and Hospice should be sympathetic to that. The aides should take Moms dignity into consideration. They should be doing what you ask. Is it so hard to put dirty things in the laundry room. And like you, I wouldn't let it go. Then throw dear old Dad into the mix. My father was gone by the time Mom was sick. He loved to be waited on. Mom spoiled him. And he was useless when it came to caring for someone else. You have a lot on your plate. Is there not someone at work who u can talk to. Maybe a Daycare for Dad?
What would you advise a client in this situation?
Time to find someone to stay with them even if you are going to be gone for a short while. Or find an appropriate facility for them. A 104 year old cannot provide a 98 year old with dementia an appropriate level of care.
You need help! In more ways than one too. I'm not sure why you continue to live in denial that you are now and have been for a while over your head with your parents care. What are you trying to prove? That you alone are the only one that give them the right care?? How's that working for you? From an outsider looking in, it's not going well at all, and some much needed changes are going to have to take place, so you don't end up dying before they do.
Only you can make the changes necessary to improve your life and situation, and my hope is that you will before it's too late.
"Caregiving for dad age 104 and deaf who thinks he's quite capable and independent, and mom who is 98 has dementia and more recently developed incontinence x2 and is now signed on with hospice for palliative care. Mostly staying in bed, combative at times (especially when aides take care of her. "
You are 1 person trying to manage care for 2. Your post seems a little...unhinged. I realize you are "just venting" but maybe it's a sign that you are approaching burnout? Are you caring for yourself first and foremost? Maybe your situation isn't allowing for much of that. Perhaps you should step back and assess whether you can take much more. Eventually you will need to decide who it's going to be: you or them. Without a whole and healthy you, what will happen to them? I think you've been on this forum long enough to read about what happens at burnout. If achieving a whole and healthy you means a different care arrangement, can you make this move before you implode?
I'm an only caring for 4 (thankfully only 1 is hands-on, 1 is in local NH and 2 are 1600 miles away in FL) so I'm very aware of what the limits of my caregiving can be. Just sayin that reason and logic point to you being outnumbered and that will come to no good end. Please do what it takes to take good care of yourself first. Blessings!