I know some of the regulars want to know what has happened with the issue with my brother. Here it is:
I have not heard or seen my brother since the argument (we used to have dinner at his house every Friday). My father has not been moved to assisted living, like my brother said was going to happen. My brother goes to my father's place on a regular basis; so do I but I go on days that I know my brother will not be there.
My father still wants me to apologize for hanging up on my brother. I told him I would but my brother needs to apologize for antagonizing me. I just didn't hang up for no reason. My father is upset about all this but wants to stay out of the situation. It's apparent that my brother doesn't think he did anything wrong. I can't remember the last time I hung up on someone, maybe never?
When the phone rings I kind of brace myself for a condescending phone call from my brother. It will probably be something like he and his family are now doing things for my father and I will not be part in anyway. I'm glad. The only thing I might say is "I learned from you that I should never act disrespectful to someone who antagonizes me again because they will then use that against me to prove to others that I am the problem".
And then dad bawls about how you must apologize, and then you’re doing it at some family dinner? No wonder you’re angry considering what you have said about both these scenarios.
See, even if you were 100 percent right on all your judgments, you can’t change reality.
Which is that your dad is gonna have to accept that he’s not the fixer of you and brothers troubles. It’s not like when you were 5 and he would just order you two to apologize.
The reality is, Lisa, that you just want your brother to validate you, ask what you think. But he won’t.
I would like to suggest you take your own advice, Lisa, and DO move away again. You are clearly spending a lot of time with people you don't like, and who don't like you. I am certain, were we to ask "why" you would have answers. But I really don't care about the answers anymore.
If you want to spend time with these unpleasant people, that's up to you.
Your choice. I doubt you will get a whole lot of sympathy for it. One tires quickly of the "poor me" victim tales, especially when one never hears the other side. I suspect your brother doesn't dislike you because you have too little money. I suspect he just finds you annoying.
God, I would love to go for a drink with your bro!
Do move on. Find a place to live with people you like, who like you as well. This is your one life; time to stop wasting it in this manner.
Wishing you the best in a good move to a fine place with stellar folk.
It was so humiliating to apologize for his antagonizing actions towards me and then treat me like this. That however has been going on for a couple years now. Money really can "go to one's head" making one feel superior and people who has less. The lesser people have no credibility and no right to anything over them. I'm preparing to move the heck out of here asap. He can take care of my father. I wish I had a family when moving away was to be celebrated, like a going away party. This is going to be a painful ordeal but at least then I will be free from this nonsense.
Thank you everyone for "listening" and your kind and helpful words.
What is in his "favor" all around is that his wife's money buys him lots of respect from everyone, everywhere. For example, his is on the board of a well known community group that helps people. But the reality is him and some of the people on that board only are there to help themselves look good in the eyes of the community. The organization does good, for sure.
So no matter what, unless people are smart like you, I will in their view be the problem. Maybe that the best thing for me - I'll only be able to get along with mature people can see what's really happening in situations. People who can not only "see" but are not affected by wealth, wealth that they think might rub off on them if they suck up to the wealthy.
You are an adult and as such you are entitled to respect. People treat you the way you allow them to. You had a right to hang up on your brother. You need to start standing up for yourself. If you don't want a confrontation thats OK I don't like them either but you don't stand there and take it, walk away. Hang up the phone. Say N0 Dad I am not apologizing because I had a right to hang up when I am being talked to like that.
I've had a few knock-down-drag-em out fights with YB and finally I gave up. She can complain night and day about his 'care' of her, but when she won't support me or anyone else in our 'help' we have all given up.
Families are great until they are not great. I imagine when mother dies, our family will implode completely. I don't see myself caring enough to foster a relationship with my YB.
Mother SAYS she wants us all to 'get along' but she doesn't mean it. She likes the drama.
The good thing is my father still has a relationship with both of us.
"Family mediation is a dispute resolution process that allows families to settle disputes including divorce, custody, and elder care outside of court guided by a trained mediator. With the help of a family mediator, you will make your own decisions and resolve family disputes creatively."
Source: https://www.ericksonmediation.com/family-mediation-mn
The goal is that no one gets cut away from your father, who will ultimately be the one who suffers most as he declines among the endless dysfunctional and immature bickering. Just a thought.
Your dad doesn’t have a right to make you apologize to brother or even stay in touch.