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My Mom is quite ill and getting worse. Now dementia is happening. I help care for her but don't do the whole job on my own. I have told both of my grown daughters that their Nana is nearing the end and that now that dementia is setting in, if they have anything to say they need to call her now. They have not called in two years. She was like a second mother to them. I have asked around 3 or 4 times in the last several years.
I am angry and Mom is hurt. What is wrong with kids today. Its not like they have to take care of her or anything. Any of you all have this happen? What do you tell your Mom or Dad who is hurt and asks why they never call

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Prior to your mom reaching this stage I hope you asked your daughters to stay in touch with their grandma either by letter, cards, pictures, or phone calls. When my grandma was in her last hours I received a call from Mom. She said I better talk to Nana as she was now in the hospital (Mom's way of saying Nana was dying). I lived 600 miles away. 1) I wish she told me how bad Nana really was before that day. 2) When I called Nana on my mom's recommendation, that was when it started to dawn on me that Nana might be dying. 3) Nana was quickly cremated and put in a place on the other side of the community she lived in. Several times over the years, I asked Mom to take me out to where Nana's ashes were 4) Mom would never take me there and never gave me the name of the place. To this day I don't know where Nana's ashes are. 5) Fast forward to Dad's impending death: my sister and I weren't being given the full story until Hospice got involved. (Now both of live about 2,000 miles away) 6) My brother helped Mother and Dad when he was dying as my brother lived about 4 hours away 7) I wish I had been told sooner how bad Dad was as by the time I was told of Hospice, Dad could not talk though he recognized everyone 8) Before Dad's death I was told by my mother and brother that neither of their two sisters/daughters needed to come home as there was nothing to change the outcome, nothing that would help 9) Along with not being needed and nothing we could do both my sister and I were told we didn't need to come to services 10) Mom kept saying she didn't think they would be doing anything - so again why come?? Looking back I think it was all my Mom's way of initially denying anyone was dying and death is always a trying time for families. With much prompting, my mom finally called me and asked if I wanted to come home??? My sister claims she was told but not offered/asked to come home??? Now, my sister has bad feeling for Mother because Mother neglected to keep her daughters in the loop and didn't let her "bury my dad". I had to explain to my sister (over long distance phone) that I only got to come to help bury Dad because I was persistent to the point of saying I needed money to travel. I told her maybe that was also part of the reason she didn't want to say or ask much of her daughters. All said, I'm not upset at all with Mom, but my sister is. She feels excluded from the death rituals of both grandmothers and Dad. Again, I hope your daughters don't have lingering feelings beneath the surface as I'm sure none of you mean anything bad or disrespectful. Your daughters will come to their own conclusions as to how everything is the way it is. Try to let it go and if anything try to talk about their Nana and you'll probably discover they loved her much but didn't quite understand how to handle everything.
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Whitehorses, I don't think your situation is unusual in the caregiving world. It's not a pleasant fact, but a fact nonetheless, that many times, family members just conveniently "forget" that the elderly family members exist once someone else steps in to take care of them. My neices and nephews rarely visit my mother since I moved in to care for her. Oh, they expect me to bring her to birthday parties and family affairs so they can see her, and they gush over her and hug/kiss her, offer to get her food if we're having a meal, or do things for her....but other than that, they're not around. It smacks of "look at me, and how much I care for my grandma" when we have these family gatherings - because they don't bother with her any other time. They don't call to see how she's doing, they don't stop by to visit (they live about 25 miles away, but they work only 5 miles away - a quick stop after work would not be difficult), and they don't even bother to see her on holidays. I've just kind of gotten used to it, I guess.
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My love 74 one who I'm caring for after a stroke has 2 sons his oldest has never called even in hospital his other came to visit twice. The first visit was briefly and under the influence the next day went to his house and was taking stuff said that we gave him permission. My opinion he only visit if he gets something out of it. 2 grand kids the never have called him since we've been together I'm sure when the lord calls him home the vultures will be circling
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Your daughters are adults. You can't force them to do anything they don't want to do. If your mother is angry at them it's not your fault; you asked them to contact her and they didn't. Case closed. If your mom complains, tell her you did your best and change the topic. Fuming won't help.

As for what's wrong with kids today, people have been asking that question for thousands of years. Some kids are good about staying in touch with their grandparents. Mine is, but that's his choice. He has a big heart, as do his friends. I think the idea that Generation X-ers and millenials are greedy and materialistic is untrue. I know many kind and considerate young people, as well as members of "The Greatest Generation" who are selfish pigs.

Maybe your daughters don't like you badgering them. Maybe there's some problem between them and grandma that you don't know about. It's not your problem.
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Of my three girls only one calls her grandmother. The other two never. Why? Mom never called them, ever. She never came to their weddings, high school graduations, college graduations, nothing. When they were 15 and 13 (twins), she announced that she was not going to travel anymore and we had to come to visit her. She was healthy and only 67 years old. She lives 10 hours away, so we could only visit in the summer. So they grew more and more distant. BTW they are now 30 and 28 years old.

I have to give credit to the one who does call her. But she tells me "grandma is so cold, she never even asks about me or my life".

So if your kids were close to your mother and she has been a wonderful grandmother, they may come around in time. I just hope it is soon and they are not sorry for not doing more sooner. My girls really don't know my mother and it is 100% her fault.
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Whitehorse it is what it is....
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Whitehorses, just my instinct but I think you would enjoy the quilting artwork of Deirdre Scherer: dscherer/Statement.shtml. if the link is deleted, google her name. Her art quilts focuson elderly people at various end stages of life.
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Thanks to all. I think I have come to the conclusion that it is what it is. I have tried a number of times and my girls just resent me for it. It is true that when you are young, you just don't give things much thought. Older people are, as if, "invisible" to most people ... and don't seem to matter much. Sad but I think true. They are treated disrespectfully in general by society that loves youth and the young are hardly aware of their existence. They certainly don't understand that beneath the old face is still a 'human being' there with needs to be loved and cared about. We learn all of this as we age and are faced with difficulties in our own lives. We learn we are not immortal and all powerful.
I cannot change them. What I might get is one phone call out of them, but on any kind of a regular basis, no way. Must let it go. If they have not responded by now, and get upset at the mere of idea of being asked to make a phone call once a month (which is what they did), I have no power over the situation.
Thank you all.
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I talked with the noncommunicative sibling and hope her sending a card every once in awhile would be appreciated by mom. Well, guess what! She did that, once a week for several weeks. When I thanked her for doing it, she stopped. Nope, not at all dysfunctional! :\
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Whitehorses, I meant to send the cards to your daughters, ask them to write something like "thinking about you, Grandma", then send it from there, so it's postmarked from their area.

They'd also have to be coaxed to pretend they sent the cards if your mother calls them. If they can't do that, it might hurt your mother more than if they didn't send the cards in the first place.

I was trying to think of a way your mother could feel that they're still involved and only create a minimum of effort on the part of your daughters - it wouldn't take them much time to just sign and send a card.

Perhaps they could write that they're busy with their jobs, list all they're doing, etc. But sometimes then grandparents will think..."you can do all that but you can't call me?"

Jessie makes good points though; perhaps they're just not comfortable with older people, the aging process and the eventualities. I recall when my grandmother was older and slipping closer to death that my mother, sister and I went to visit her while she was living with my aunt, but it never ever occurred to me to call her or write her as I knew my aunt was taking good care of her. It's amazing how naive I was at that age and didn't even realize how much older people need support.

Sometimes awakenings don't occur until people are much older, much, much older.
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My mom asks constantly when she last talked to her sister, mother and father. I have to try to "read" where mom is and vary my response. Her sister rarely call but I tell mom that they talk a couple times a week. It makes her feel better. I do the same when she asks about siblings, one of which never calls, the other calls twice a week if she remembers/has time.

The truth of the matter is that some people just cannot emotionally deal with even a phone call. Thus is the case with my aunt, when they do talk auntie dearest ends up reassuring mom that she was a good daughter and that parents have passed away. Their conversations are probably a good, and frightening reminder that this could happen to auntie one day. She is 15 years younger.

Just realize how difficult any sort of interaction us. My mom is entering late stage Alzheimer's so it is quite an easy job to lie while providing reassurance to her.
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Good idea JessieBelle- 3 way call....
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BTW, I do remind my brothers to call Mom. I have to do that every few months as the calls wane. If I didn't do that, I don't think they would even call. Their calls mean a lot to her, and I know my brothers will feel better knowing they had kept some contact.
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The end of life can certainly show the true colors of people. Some people are right there, but other people can't handle it for one reason or another -- they're too busy, they can't stand to see their parents dying, or they don't think it's that bad. I don't really mind that my brothers aren't involved, but it has made me view the one who lives close in a bad light. The family is fundamental Christian with puritan family values on the surface. But when I see the pictures of the family going to dances, vacations, parks, and other places, it says much more about their true values. I wonder if one day my brother will wake up and realize that he let his parents slip away and paid no attention. It might be a favor if I gave him a swift kick before the opportunity is lost, but I don't really think it is my place. He should know. I agree, Whitehorses, about reminding your daughters. They won't have the opportunity again and may have future regrets if they don't talk to their grandmother. Maybe you can make it a 3-way call, so it can ease any strain in the conversation.
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I have 5 siblings that don't call my Mom, it bothers me more than her.. My Mom has 20 grandchildren and 20+ great grandchild.. The only ones she sees are my 2 kids, probably because she's lived with me for 13 years.. They grew up with her here.. They don't call her but when they visit me they visit her.. Don't get me wrong it's "Hey Nana how ya doing?" That's about it.. If she didn't live here I don't know how much they would see her..
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They live hours away from me. You mean I should send the card and say its from them? Then she will call them. It's so hard because she is hurting.
Yeah, I know all about those phoney calls that people say they make and caller ID says never made. No my Mom was not senile until last few months and now only slightly and they have not phoned her in years. Im not talking about them going to visit her or God forbid, me, Im talking about a phone call once a month or two. I spoiled those kids. Its on me.
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Whitehorse don't take responsibility for their bad behavior they are adults... Maybe it is time to "pull a fast one"..

If I haven't heard from my grown children in awhile I call them myself.. If I get their VM I leave a message " hello this is your mother, do you remember me? Please call me back!!" Everyone has a different relationship with their children..

I'm sure if they needed something from Grandma they would call..

Hugs to you, none of this care giving crap goes easy..
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Here's another thought, one which takes less effort but might comfort your mother. Buy "thinking of you cards" for them to send. If you prefer, you can stamp them, then it won't cost your daughters anything except a few minutes of effort to sign their names.

Your mother doesn't need to know they didn't initiate the action.
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I have to admit maybe the letter was a guilt trip because in it I said "she was like a second mother to you". But it is the truth. Hardly hear from them myself. Once a month and then they have very little time for me. Maybe it's my fault.
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No, they don't really live close by. And, I would not pull a "fast one" on them. My mother would not want that. I have asked and one day I wrote a letter telling them to please call her, that she asks about them all the time, and that a few minutes a month is nothing. since I had asked before, I said in the letter " I know this will fall on deaf ears". Well, I really heard it from them on that one. You know, they said I was being nasty. Just asking if anyone else is going through this. Things are different today. I know.
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We got Caller ID on mom's line and what we found out was that people who say they have been calling her are lying through their teeth. And others that she says she has not heard from in a long time, "your sister never calls", have clearly made contact and spoke for an extended time. Don't rely on her memory for correct information.
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I've read in articles that the Millenial Generation is very self absorbed, sometimes very shallow and sees life as what it can give to them, rather than what they can do to enhance it and/or reach out to others in need. Obviously not all Millenials are like this.

I sometimes wonder if a generation, which according to some experts is focused on instant gratification, which shares aspects of their personal lives on social media and is obsessed with technology are capable of thinking of others who aren't in their situations. I think also there's a growing trend for younger people, especially ones with advanced degrees who may see the world as their playground, to resent older folks. I've read a few articles about their attitude toward older people, feeling that we're sucking away dollars that could be used for what they feel are better causes.

OTOH, many of the veterans returning are displaying so much empathy toward others that they're setting standards for charitable actions. Purple Heart Homes is one such organization, founded by veterans.

In our family, it's my sibling who doesn't call, nor do either of his adult children, both of whom are self absorbed and financially irresponsible. Although we occasionally mention them, the grandchildren would no longer get any support from us.

I really don't know what to suggest about telling your parents. I try not to mention it as I'm sure it hurts my father.
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I Understand...

Do they live near by? If they don't call them from your Mom's say hello then put your Mom on the line.. That way they'll be forced to talk to her...They'll get over it and you'll make your Mom happy. That's all that matters now..

If they live near her then get together with them for lunch, you drive, when your done swing by grandma's to say hello..

I know some on here are going to say "everyone deals with aging people different" But in my case I'm still their parent and I will not allow them to ignore or disrespect their grandparent...
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