Very frustrated and angry.
Feel Helpless and Angry
Hello, I'm New: Part time caregiver for my mother, with congestive heart failure . She was always loving, easygoing and kind but she has become (understandably) very irritable, moody, and takes her anger out on me. As an example, she now wants to move to assisted living because she can no longer tolerate the heat and cold temperatures in her apartment (it IS awful and we cannot seem to get anything done about it), and when I told her we would have to look into it to see if Medicaid covers Assisted Living, she told me that I do not understand, she is going to die in that apartment, and I am mean. I sit here in tears because her illness has been very painful for me. She has been in and out of the hospital, she has fallen and been and out of Nursing homes and she has suffered.
I love her and don't want to see her suffer, but I am limited in what I can do. She keeps saying "do you want me to die in this place?". The truth is, I am trying to rally up my brothers to help with all of this but they don't really do anything. I feel so helpless here and it hurts to see her suffer. It seems like I fail her at every turn. She is so angry with me so often that I feel badly about myself. She does not take it out on the others so much though she is starting to get angry at them now, too. But most of the time it is me. getting the brunt of the anger and I try to understand the hardest.
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Is this how your mom treated your dad? It might be a very bad habit she's gotten into (treating men as incompetent ). It sometimes gets passed down from generation to generation.
To answer your question, yes, you do see your sibling's true colors when it comes to dealing with an elderly parent. My brother did absolutely nothing, I didn't mind being the caregiver to both my parents, but he would to "visit"(he lived 1200 miles away) once a year for a week and spend no time with them.
Never asked if I needed any help. Back in 2010 I guess you say that I had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized. I had just gone through having my mom in one hospital for scheduled surgery and than dad starting have chest pains and had to go into another hospital 25 miles away, so two parents in two different hospitals and no help. I got through it, but add in I was caregiving for both of them at this point in time for 2yrs with no help, and I had a mental collapse about two weeks later. I was in the hospital for about 4 days.
He said on the phone to me "I'm so disappointed in you"... he was skiing in Colorado....LOL. Not "OMG what happened, how can I help, I will come there".....NOTHING.
Mom and dad are gone, I want nothing to do with them. This is just one example.
So I feel your pain, the people who should be there to help aren't.
OR
Decide that you really don't want to live this way for another 10 or 15 or 20 years (!) and help your mother find a different housing situation.
There are lots of other details, such as getting her evaluated for depression or anxiety, having her pay rent or board or some part of her on way, stop giving her things she doesn't appreciate, and others. But the basic choice is between giving her a free ride and accept the fact you aren't appreciated, or helping her to find housing apart from you.
What feels right to you (for the next, let's say, 15 years)
Will your mother go willingly to a NH? But your brother is going to have a lot of paper work to do, to arrange that. My husband worked about 60 days on his mother's medicare and insurance papers.
Thank you all for your support.
Jackie
Jackie, your mother is still competent, so has first say in how she handles finances. What she says overrides your brother unless the doctors declare her mentally incompetent. If your mother needs a new place, then she has that choice. POA gives the authority to act as an agent for the person, but does not give authority over the person unless they are legally incompetent.
If your brother is so [expletive deleted] busy that he hasn't got the [expletive deleted] time to take care of your mother, then what the [expletive deleted] did he think he was doing accepting the [expletive deleted] POA in the first place? May I ask?
Calm calm calm. There we are, better now.
So would it be fair to say that your mother wants you to have moved her into a more comfortable and suitable apartment some months ago and nothing short of your achieving that is going to soothe her? Which, by the way, you are unable to do because she chose to give the necessary authorities to somebody else?
I am so sorry for the grotesque unfairness of the position you're in, and the anxiety and sadness you must feel about your mother. It is bloody awful and a crying shame. I agree with so many others: you will somehow have to try to excuse her terrible temper with you. She is ill, in pain and frightened. It's not you she is angry with.
Your brother has accepted responsibility for your mother's care. It is his and not yours. You may choose to support him in this if you wish but until he learns to keep a civil tongue in his head I can't for the life of me see why you would want to.
While he continues to neglect your mother's material wellbeing, let alone anything else, he places himself in an extremely false position. If I were you I wouldn't be angry and frustrated. I would be incandescent with rage and calling down the Wrath of God (as represented by a lawyer) on him.
Calming down again: your mother, as she is competent, is free to revoke your brother's POA and appoint you instead. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE TO THIS. You should approach the idea with extreme caution and think it carefully through. However, if you decide that you do wish to take charge of your mother's care and that it is a realistic fit with any other commitments you already have, perhaps that is the offer you could make her. Responsibility without power, no - who in their right mind would accept that? If she wants you to take responsibility, she will have to give you the power to fulfil it.
I thought about how some of us live for the convenience of others. We accommodate them, so they can live their lives without bother. I think of the excuses I give my brother -- he has a job, he has kids. But the truth is everyone has a job and his kids are mostly grown. This is not true for every man, but I believe many do feel that doing the caring is woman's work. If your brother is anything like mine, he has plenty of times to do fun things with his family, but he is much too busy for his mother. If you are like me, I grow weary of living to my brothers' convenience. (One lives far away, so gets a free pass because of that.)
My brother works 8 hours a day x 5 days a week. But, his life is always more complicated, more strained than anyone else. He actually yelled at me for having to have him repeat himself twice. And told me to tell my husband to take her to the doctor. I don't take orders from him and I am not going to talk to him. it is useless to try. I will find a way. Sorry for the rant.
What you and millions of others are going through is a very painful transition. I understand and I keep you and your Mother in my prayers. We are no where near perfect human beings but I would say with what you are going through....you are pretty darn close:) And remember....find a little humor if you can in all of this. My last little lady got a hold of the Oregon State Lottery and said she was being held hostage and tortured. Of course the lottery contacted the Oregon State Police who opened an investigation with the Las Vegas Metro Police and of course all turned out well but though bittersweet, the family and I had to have a little laugh over it. Surely the Oregon Lottery is still shaking their heads about that call. I am moving on to three new clients in the next week and I find it an honor and a privilege to take care of these sweet seniors. Bless you Jackie.
None of this is easy whether you are the caregiver for your loved one or a caregiver for someone else's loved one. I am done beating myself up. It is not that we have become jaded and insensitive to the ones we care for but we have to understand what is truly necessary immediately and what is not. You are a good person Jackie and I do hope your siblings will help out now. Yes, our loved ones will apologize at certain times and at that particular time they mean it but five minutes later they are screaming "I hate you." You are strong girl. I admire and respect you. Jessica is right in that it is not always necessary to listen too much. Use your judgment regarding her circumstances. The last patient I took care of consistently complained and at first I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off only to find out that most of her complaints were not life and death. We are here to help you. Keep being the good woman that you are. Hugs, Elle.
My mother is much like yours. One of my mother's most horrible habits is demanding that I do something RIGHT NOW. If I say I will do it tomorrow, she starts yelling and asking if I want her to die. She catastrophizes all the little things. For example, we ran out of orange juice. I told her I would pick some up at the store when I went the next day. She got mad because she was going to die of low blood sugar. Of course I knew there were 100 other ways to bring up her blood sugar. Her "I'm going to die" is really just trying to bully me into doing what she wants. It is quite cruel.
We often talk about FOG on the group -- fear, obligation, and guilt. Talking about how they are going to die if we don't do something employs each of these things. We fear that they will die and feel obligated to do something and feel horrible guilt if we don't. When your mother does this to you, realize that there is nothing wrong with you. She is being abusive. Just let her words roll off. If she is cold, maybe get her a blanket to help her stay warmer or bring her a sweater.
There is only so much you can do, given her limited resources. You might be able to find her a smaller apartment that has a better HVAC system. Most AL communities would probably be out of her reach, and I imagine that moving her in with you or family would totally ruin someone's life (the family that took her in).
Sometimes the best thing to do is not listen too carefully to complaints, but to use your own judgment about her circumstances. If you get the feeling that certain things are okay and livable, they probably are.
Geewiz: you are right. I think she is closest to me and so I hear it all; the problem with that is that my brother doesn't believe me as she will not tell him what is REALLY going on with her and how bad it is. He has issues that I beg him to let go of but he wont. Now she is angry with him because he doesn't return her calls, is stopping taking her to doctor, etc. I am ill and too sick to take her. The only thing I have been good for is to try to coordinate things, do the research, talk to her, send food over, I did cook but she did not like my food, etc. I have feeling of guilt for not doing more, and frustration, and confusion over "is it dementia or not?" . Only the physical therapist said it once to her alone. Not the docs so my brother will not listen. I tried to tell him once but he ignored me. She suffers from congestive heart failure, pretty bad now, falls a lot, seems to have dementia (conversation confuses me as she is all over the map when we talk, she forgets what I told her the day before, ... I just don't know anymore). I feel so guilty posting my feelings of anger, but she accuses me of being mean and nasty and I am only trying to help her and doing it with respect. But I do get frustrated and my voice gets loud at times. So I realize this. Getting old is hard. Getting sick is hard ... everyone has left her ... and she is lonely and too ill to go anywhere. She is almost 88 years old and keeps saying "I am going to die if you don't get me out of this place". She would hate a nursing home. I feel like I can't do anything. She won't have people in .. public and private is very expensive. We have someone go in once a week to clean, my husband brings food in, and my brother WAS taking her to docs. I get her things she needs as much as I can. Thank you all. I know you are dealing with much more than me so I appreciate you all taking the time to respond. So sorry about your husband ...