I'm having yet another irritating day in my continuing saga of Caregiving alone. I use that term loosely because my Dad is in a ALF. Hats off to those that have their loved ones in their homes.
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Today I recognized that I have not had a weekend to myself in 15 months!!! There was a time when I would get a little relief about every six weeks when one of my Dad's other daughters would pick him up and take him to our hometown for a weekend. After an incident where I was unfairly cursed out by her bratty daughter and called selfish because I couldn't answer her phone call due to working a second job, those visits came to an end. Now I have to do EVERYTHING by myself.
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My life is not my own. I work two jobs to cover the expenses that Dad's VA benefits don't cover when the income from my first job should cover me and then some. I don't go out. I don't shop. I don't have time. My life is either working, visiting Dad or trying to get a little rest which is often punctuated by frequent calls from Dad.
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My weekend routine is the same. Get up early (because there's h*ll to pay if I'm not at the ALF to pick up Dad by a certain time). Take Dad to greasy diner and eat the food because he's going to have TONS of comments if I decide not to eat that unhealthy, greasy crap. Run errands with Dad (lift scooter, lower scooter, check oxygen tank, SLOWLY navigate store... rinse, repeat). Clean Dad's bathroom (the once a week from ALF cleaning staff doesn't cut it. He pees on the floor and it stinks!!!). Rush to gym and squeeze in a workout. Rush to grocery shop for self. Head to part time job until 11 PM.
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Sunday, get up early to cook meals for week (trying to lose the weight I gained from caregiving). Rush to do personal laundry. Go pick up dinner from one of three restaurants Dad eats at. Buy or prepare something I can eat. Take meal to ALF. Eat with Dad in his 90 degree room. Clean up. Go to part time job until 11 PM.
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This is EVERY weekend. During the week, I am working my full time job, two days of which I leave early to go to my part time job until 11 (8 AM - 11 PM workdays). I visit Dad on one of the days that I don't have to work the part time job (and clean his bathroom) so that leaves two days for me to try to ... I think it's called rest?!?!
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Is it bad that I miss my weekends? I would just like a whole weekend Dad free and work free. I don't want to have to wake up early to eat food I don't like. I miss my Sunday morning hikes. That was my life before. Get up. Hike. Eat greasy food I wanted. Get a massage. Take a nap. Prepare food for the next week and do laundry.
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No more. Now I just work and take care of Dad. I have NO help. Even evil step mom/ ex wife has cut back their Sunday visits because going out with Dad is becoming more tedious.
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Why did I get (bad word coming ) BURDENED with this? I'm sure I'll miss some things when Dad is gone, but how much longer can the old man fight? He's miserable! I'm miserable!!
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I'm just tired.
Blackhole, this resonated with me:
1.) What was Dad doing when he was your age? [Exactly what he wanted to do, from what I can glean.]
2.) To what extent did Dad care for his aging parent or parents?
I actually occasionally ask myself this question about my Mom.
1. She wasn't taking care of her parents at my age, in fact Mom was never the sacrifice herself type. She did what she wanted, within reason anyway. I'm sure she thinks she made plenty of sacrifices for me growing up, but she certainly made sure she had a full and fulfilling life as well.
2. She never helped her brother take care of her father.
And yes, Sunnygirl1... the fact that the expectation is SO high just substantiates that this is NOT a healthy father-daughter relationship. Thankfully, I have found a support group (Codependents Anonymous) to help me work through my issues and learn to set some boundaries.
The VA has an Aid & Attendance benefit for care (if one served at least one day in an authorized war.
The funds for this benefit can help you, such as having the ALF staff clean his bathroom 3-4 times a week, or daily if needed.
1.) What was Dad doing when he was your age? [Exactly what he wanted to do, from what I can glean.]
2.) To what extent did Dad care for his aging parent or parents?
I'm working on dealing with myself -- that's who gets in the way. The perfectionism (we had H*LL to pay if we made a mistake -- I can SO relate to Michael Jackson's struggles as a child), the resentment... the frustration... then the guilt for feeling those things.
There's that voice in the back of my head that says "He can't help it he's sick", but that's not necessarily true. He smoked for YEARS despite the doctor's warnings, so the COPD is on him. Scientific studies link dementia to a lack of oxygen to the brain and prolonged alcohol and cigarette use, so that may be on him as well.
He didn't ask to lose his sight in the Navy, but he NEVER took advantages of the programs and resources offered through the VA to make his life better. Instead, he just parked himself in front of the television and started complaining. He then would find vulnerable women to drive him around and do his bidding until he emotionally and physically abused them to the point where they escaped. So... maybe it is his fault.
As a result of the above, his other children don't have anything to do with him. Not that I blame them. By the time I was born, Dad had stopped drinking, but as I understand it, his alcoholism contributed to him being a really bad Dad. He pretty much abandoned his other kids, so I don't blame them.
As for working two jobs, that's another internal battle for me. The VA (free) facility is too far away for me to visit regularly (more guilt), and it seems "institutional". I'd never forgive myself for "putting Dad away". The facilities that accept government funding (Medicare) are atrocious in my area. Completely depressing, so I have him in a private pay facility. The cost of the private pay ALF exceeds his monthly VA benefits, so I pick up the $300 difference as well as cover other miscellaneous costs (toiletries, groceries, etc.)
Yes, I enable him and I know I'm my own worst enemy. I just need to find a backbone. I can still here him in my head "You're all I've got kid..." AAARGH!!!!!
sissy
sissy
But venting isn't really enough.
WHY are you accepting these burdens? WHY don't you take a weekend off at least once a month? WHY are you doing things the facility is paid to do?
Are you paying for food at ALF? What's with all these restaurant meals?
My parents were reasonable people and would never ever have imposed on us to this extent, so I suppose that is why I'm having a very hard time understanding why you enable this behavior. Is it guilt? Duty? Fear? What is it that is strong enough for you to be giving up your life.
Do you believe that your father's life is more important than yours? Why?
It sounds like your dad does pretty well to go out for food. I'm sure he really enjoys it but the only person who can give you the weekend off is you. You don't need Dad's permission. You should take at least one weekend a month. Check to see if you can find him a delivery service for those two days. It doesn't sound like he is on a restricted diet. Maybe start with one day out of the weekend and work up to the entire weekend.
This is your life you are living, the same as him. Even if the first time you didn't take him out, you might order in for the both of you? Even the smallest break can make a difference in your mood and energy level and ultimately Dad benefits as well as you.
Give it a thought. You are a good daughter. Happy Father's Day to your Dad.
Keep venting.