I thought we might want a place where we can store a collection of good lines to use for different care situations, and for different / difficult / stubborn / narcissistic loved ones. Oh, don't forget we also need comeback lines for those pushy, know-it-all relatives sitting on the sidelines telling us how we should do our jobs.
This is sort of like a bag or a tool box to keep the best and most useful comebacks for various situations. So, that we can come here and look through and choose our tools.
Suggestions: a short set up of a scenario, then a recommended approach to use. Or just list out some good lines you've heard, or read.
A few frequent good lines that I keep seeing:
--Fail to plan is plan to fail
--Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part
--Mom/Dad, what do you plan to do about it? (this puts the ball right back in their court.)
So, what's your best line?
(This stops the complaint in its tracks.)
""That's too bad mom. I'm not available"
”I’m not your caregiver, I’m your DAUGHTER!!”
Oh I like this one metoo! One of my biggest pet peeves with my mom is when she asks for help she wants it HER WAY ONLY, even if it makes no sense. My mom's executive functioning continues to worsen and I know it's only a matter of time before she starts screwing up her bills. So far she gets it done, but struggles because she INSISTS on using an outdated computer program, that is actually more suited to running a business than someone who has to send 5 checks a month. This was fine 35 years ago but now with dementia the program/passwords/old laptop this thing runs on, it's all a mess. About 6 months ago I told her I would no longer deal with the outdated program that barely works and her never ending password problem, and IF and when she needed my help, I would be happy to hand write checks for her and balance her check book. Her response NOOOOOO I WANT MY QUICKEN! Get's mad. Discussion over.
Well, when she can no longer do it and the bank starts calling etc- I am going to use your exact line!!
Especially as POA I plan to open a separate LOCAL bank account and have regular paper statements, and a I will be doing her bills the old fashioned way so I have a paper record of every cent spent and where.
I don't really have any good lines to share :( But I'm very thankful for the one you shared.
I can’t possibly do that.
I already have a full time job and it’s not as a health care aide.
(This tends to stop complaints as well because they can't remember where they heard it, can't remember *if* they ever heard it, don't want to tell where they heard it, or they made the whole thing up.)
Sometimes I follow it with my other line I posted: "I'll have to see what I can find out about that."
"We are humans, not Saints; therefore we DO have limitations"
"You are not feeling guilt. Guilt is for felons. You are feeling GRIEF"
"I am sorry; I couldn't possibly do that" (I attribute to Ahmijoy, though Cwillie tells me that we universally use that one on Forum.)
Here is one I read yesterday. It's for an OP who feels trapped and exhausted helping her mother who is mentally competent. Courtesy of Country Mouse:
"Stop volunteering"
Sometimes we think we're forced into doing things but it is us who obligate ourselves.
It's a clever line to use on those know-it-all non helpers who tell us how to do our work.
I also want to add to that line:
"If you want to pick the broom, YOU can sweep the floor."
For frequent use on AC, from a social worker friend “events will happen that will make the decisions for you”
"No, I won't do that, you are independent." (Then I would laugh)
"Your rights are not more important than mine so no"
"Why don't you call your family that loves you since I am so mean."
"If you do not like rules, in my house, please feel free to move to a nursing home"
Parent: "You're don't do everything I ask you to do, when I want it done!"
CG: "Oh?" [pronounced with the voice going down and then up, like the "third tone" in Mandarin Chinese]
Parent: !!???....
[I'm laughing as I type this!]
Garylee, your line is funny and useful in difussing anger. Are you a Star Trek fan? I am.
Reply: what do you want me to do about it?
Put the ball back in their court, let them decide if it is really an issue or just a reason to complain.
(Response to mom calling with an "emergency" 3 days in a row, requiring me to leave work and drive across several boroughs of NYC to Westchester; an hour each way.)
Scenario # 2 Me: "Mom, you've lost the ability to choose how you will live into your elder years. That choice is now mine and I now have to move in with you from 7 states away. No, you will not be packing my bag to go home!! I had to move in to take care of you and oh, I didn't have any life at all!!" (Insert - I was almost an elder taking on this role myself!)
Another one I use if my mother demands me to do something or complains that I didn't clean something I tell her, "I'm sorry! I didn't realize that I work for you--oh wait, I don't. Then I walk out of the room.
Jacob,
I use the "oh?" It does work! I also use if my mother is talking nonstop "Really...you don't say...yup...hummm...oh? Not listening to a word she is saying!!
I have to admit I did not have a verbal comeback as I was stunned at her nerve. In lieu of a spoken line, I think the blank look on my face said it all!!!
My line was "The more I help him, the more helpless he acts." SO true.
He would also tell every medical professional he came in contact with "My daughter handles everything". He just abdicated from any responsibility for himself.
My dad likes to throw elaborate pity parties for himself. He's led a great life on a number of levels and I only find it attention-seeking. My sister coddles him. I say, "I'm not the right person for this. I'm RSVP'ing NO to the pity party, but thanks for the invite!"
One more. "Well, that may be...?..." Said in a half statement, half questioning mode so as not to infer agreement or disagreement.