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My 89 year old fathers' behavior has gotten worse. He has a very unhealthy obsession with my sister. If I or anyone else gets close to her he becomes insanely jealous. It does not matter who it is. Me, my other siblings, my children. He will get extremely upset. I cannot take it anymore. Within the past month alone, he has gotten into VERY Heated verbal confrontations with myself, my sister and brother. My children have wound up crying over these incidents. On Monday, I nearly had a nervous break down after an argument with him. Everyone threatens to "have him evaluated" but no one does anything about it.
It seems like all we do is threaten in the situation, myself included. On Monday I screamed into the phone at my siblings that if they did not do something about him immediately that I would leave. Nothing has been done. It make me wonder, if I really did leave if they would finally take action. Im not working from home anymore and I am earning more money. (Still not enough to get any apartment where I live).
His behavior could be due to dementia but honestly, I remember him acting this way from the time I was little. If he does have Dementia, what can be done ? Although he can do things on his own in terms of taking care f himself, I think he should be in an Assisted Living Facility. At home, he sits on the couch staring at everyone or acting helpless. Yet, he does not want my sister to lift a finger. At this point I cant stand the sight of him.

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I hear you about the arguing. Im not making excuses but unless you have walked a mile in our shoes and have felt the sheer frustration...my siblings and I are not argumentative by nature. Nor would I say we are immature. Perhaps my writing comes across that way. We wait on Dad hand and foot. We try our best to make his surroundings comfortable and enjoyable. But we walk on egg shells not knowing when the next explosion will take place. It could be over as something as simple as a phone call from a wrong number. That could set off a whole day of chaos. I appreciate everyone's input.
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I agree that he needs for his doctor to know about his symptoms. Arguing, begging or pressuring a person who has mental decline is not wise. And it isn't very effective. A more informed and mature approach would be in order, IMO. The squabbling you describe is troublesome. Even if he was problematic years ago, that was then, this is now. I would try to get him help for what he has now and let go of the past.

Obsessions are a common thing with dementia. My loved one was obsessed with her cat. She would not let the cat out of her sight. She worried constantly about the cat. She was terrified the cat would escape from the house through a hole the size of a key hole. It caused her great pleasure, but also great distress. Nothing would dissuade her from her obsession. It was caused by her dementia. She received medical treatment, went on medication for her anxiety and lost her cat obsession.

Whatever is going on with dad, I would think a medical opinion would be in order. I would take care to have a professional diagnose him.
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Too, I'll repeat, for your siblings' benefit; your father needs professional caregivers, who are being supervised by a medical professional. He most likely also needs psychiatric meds. I would try hard to provide support from a distance.
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We do have a daytime caregiver. My sister and brother pay for it. The caregiver does not have a license, she is a friend of a close friend of my brother. She is a good caregiver . She makes healthy meals for Dad, keeps his clothing clean accompanies him to the doctor. However she uses the situation to her advantage. Playing off the fact that Dad thinks he 's "ln love with her" She feels she runs the show. He buys her things to keep her happy etc. Its just a real mess.
I was working from home but it became too difficult to concentrate and deal with Dad drama at the same time. So now Im out of the house all day and that is at least some relief. Thank you all for being supportive and informative.
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Mental illness is real and crippling. Mental illness and dementia together equal a patient who needs professional caregivers.

You should not be caring for him alone. Your siblings may be in deep denial, or they may simply be ignorant that these are not normal behaviors.
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Hi Sendme2Help. my sister is older than me. We are both adults .As I mentioned, she lives ten minutes away. The medicine he gets is for both his heart and blood pressure. Im not trying to sound cruel, but I dont think this has a large percentage to do with his medication or a physical ailment. He has always been like this. He may have early stage dementia though.
Veste fans, on Monday I said those exact words although very tearfully and hysterical over the phone, "If something is not done immediately I will leave.." I dont know why my siblings think talking to Dad is going to do any good for more than a week. Most of his behavioral episodes stem from his obsession with my sister. For instance if she goes on a trip, he gets angry. If anyone talks to her without him being present, he gets paranoid and upset.
Im glad to be able to talk to you all and to receive affirmation that this is serious I think it is too. Most everyone else brushes it off as "he's just old", "he just misses your Mom..".
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Let the consequences fall where they may.
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You say that you are administering his medications. Do you know what they are, what are the side effects?
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Good luck to you with your issues.
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You state that your father has a very unhealthy obsession with your sister.

You do not say which sister, if she is an adult, teen, child.
You do not explain. Maybe you cannot say anymore than you have said.
What does unhealthy mean? And why don't you remove her and any children from the household until you all figure out Dad's problem?
What is missing here?
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too much - call them (Safe Horizon) again. This is no joke, they have made an assumption based on lack of experience about how bad an 89 year old man can be when he is considered competent and in charge, and a supervisor needs to be involved if the front line staff do not "get it." Having him evaluated should not be used as a threat to keep him jut a little bit under control - it should be done as a positive good to both you sisters, and him. Sister needs some way to feel empowered and even required to deal with the harm and havoc this situation is causing. Your getting out of the home could bring it to a head and maybe then the needed evaluation can happen and something positive can be done. If you tell her you are packing your bags and will not be able to stay any longer unless something is done immediately, maybe you will not have to follow through but I would not count on it.
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Thanks again SunnyGirl. She is fully aware. She lives only 10 mins away and comes over every night because if she doesnt, Dad will be upset and call her several times at night. You mentioned favoritism, but its an all out obsession with her all day every day that makes the family uncomfortable.. My sister feels smothered by Dad's "attention" and that is the source of the daily arguing. If he is not arguing with my sister in person, he is on the phone screaming and sometimes he will call her many times at night or early in the morning. If he has gotten on her nerves badly enough she threatens to have him "evaluated". She tells him she is going to call his doctor. He will then play nice for a couple of days But nothing is ever acted on.
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If your sister has the POA, then I would inform her of the situation and explain what needs to be addressed, immediately. I know your post says you are frustrated about the failure of anyone to act. If she still refuses, then I would decide if I am going to step forward and do it without her help or just protect my children from the environment. I wish you all the best.
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Thanks Sunnygirl. In terms of being in charge, My sister is the POA for everything.
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You don't argue and get out of control with a mentally ill person. It's pointless. If you are the adult in charge, then it's up to you to get the man help and protect the children. Verbal combat is not appropriate for the children. If you are not able to do that, then seek the immediate help of someone who can. When someone is obviously disturbed, you don't focus on matters like favoritism within the family. I would consider the big issue here, which is his overall mental and medical condition. Patients with some mental and medical issues say all kinds of things that they don't even realize they are saying. Look beyond these things and try to determine the cause and treat it.

I would imagine your children are very upset by this experience. It should be immediately addressed. They should not be subjected to such scenes.

Why not discuss this with his doctor? It could be a number of things causing he behavior. You indicate you are giving him daily medication. Why not call his doctor and inform the doctor what is happening. I would think they would want to know about a change in his mental status.
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vstefans, that is wonderful that you are an adoptive mother :)) I often think of exactly what you have said. Ive explained to my family numerous times that my children are not used to this type of behavior. My family assumes that because the home (meaning the house) we live in is lovely and the neighborhood is nice that my children's lives are so much better. In that respect it is, but they have never been subjected to this type of behavior. I did make a call to Safe Horizon a year ago, they were no help. I guess they felt "how bad could an 89 year old man be ??"
Growing up, my parents never ended brought up the topic of us being adopted. When I had children of my own, we never made an issue out of me or my siblings being adopted. My children know my siblings as they Aunt and Uncles nothing else.
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toomuch4me, it really is too much. Babalou is right - if you are finding it nearly intolerable, those children of yours are being scarred permanently. Unless you find some immediate miraculous way to let his behaviors roll off your back like water off a duck, and other family support you, this is not working and could result in DCFS considering it YOUR failure to protect your children. If finances don't allow you to do anything else then get out of there to a shelter. Your providing "companionship" is worthless in this situation. All you are going to do is get angrier and angrier at each other because he is not rational enough to make any changes in what he is doing and saying. He has an HHA. Get out, get your self-esteem back, heal your children's wounds, and get steady again on your own two feet.

I'm an adoptive mom. We would NEVER in a million years accept anyone saying our kids are not our "real" kids. When you adopt someone they are yours. Sure, they have birthparents too, but adoption is real and that's that.
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Sorry for misunderstanding Babalou :)) They get upset because of the fighting between my father and whatever adult he is arguing with . He basically ignores them or has horrible things to say about my oldest child.
My siblings and I were all adopted so now in this late stage of life he throws it in our faces every chance he gets. Our mother could not have children of her own so they adopted us each from different families. My older siblings were infants or very young toddlers I was 3. Honestly Ive always felt he never really wanted me around. A child knows, just like my youngest says she has known what type of person he is since was very litfle. After our mother passed away, his real feelings began to show or should I say, he no longer had to pretend.to love any of us. He does not even acknowledge my children as his grandchildren at one point he was calling them "his nieces" From the moment I stepped foot back into the house, he has been horrible toward me and everyone can see it. He even told our HHA that Im not his daughter..She of course took that and ran with it. Thats why she thinks she is in charge of the house because he has made it clear that I am nobody. The other night he reminded my sister that she is not related to my children. Sorry for oversharing but this is a very hurtful situation and it only continues to get worse.
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I ask about your children because I wonder what their interaction is with him that leads to tears. I wonder if what's going on might be considered verbal abuse by Child Protective Services.

It seems as though, at the very least, your dad is mentally ill. This may be dementia, or just a worsening of a lifelong condition . In your shoes, I would choose what to "argue" about with care. If he says there are elephants in the room, or that your sister is Eleanor of Aquitaine, I'd agree.

Decide what is important (safety, maybe some hygiene ) and leave the rest be.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and find out what services are available locally.
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My status is unpaid maid lol. I do some cargiving tasks, such as give him his morning medication, on the weekends I fix his breakfast and give his morning medication. If the HHA does not come, I handle all of the the meals medication management for the day. Physically he does not need assistance to bathe, dress, he mainly just needs companionship. I also pay his bills online for him. My children are 12, 14 and 16. Why do you ask ?
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I agree that his doctor needs to be informed about his behavior. Perhaps, he can be treated.

I would try to discuss the situation with the family and explain that something is not right with him. Theatrics, screaming and getting out of sorts is not really going to help. I would not take his behavior personally. Figuring out the cause and solving it would be the best use of your time and effort.

I would not leave any children with him, until the matter is resolved, since his behavior sounds unpredictable.
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Does he have a regular doctor? If he does, you should write a note, outlining his worsening mental status. If you and your siblings do not have Medical PO.a or a signed HIPAA form, the doctor can't discuss him with you, but his doctor should have this information.

Are you doing caregiving tasks for him? What is your status in his home.? How old are your children?
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