My mother, a farm girl from the depression era, was raised to be a servant to her man. For 60+ years she babied him (and her kids) and we all adored her because she was sweet. We were relieved he went first because she was so pleasant. Dad was a selfish, cranky, surly guy...not abusive, just stubborn, opinionated, judgmental, intolerant, sometimes comical, but always demanded his way. He passed away 5 years ago. I thought that would free up Mom to be herself. WRONG. It freed her up to be HIM!!! Oh my gosh! She was healthy and took physical care of him until the day he died. At that moment, she grabbed his walker, stooped over, and BECAME HIM! She is now in an assisted living, SHE insisted upon going), still healthy, and 92, impatient, picky, nasty, fault-finding, judgmental, filled with hate and negativism about everything. She hates everybody there but refuses to move. She says phrases Dad said and makes faces he made when disgusted with something. She throws her hands in the air and pouts. She's never happy with anything or anyone, family or help. She never mentions Dad and doesn't seem to miss him. She claims she doesn't want to "bother us kids", but she makes demands of us because she doesn't like the flavor of toothpaste we got her or her socks are getting stretched out. She doesn't like the way my brother looks at his wife (he loves his wife and they dutifully visit her and do favors for her), she gasps if the help brings her orange juice instead of cranberry, she refuses to eat if they have potatoes cooked one way and not the other. Yesterday, a visitor was supposed to come "sometime after 1:30 pm" so Mom refused to go to noon lunch because she might miss her. I said, "Mom, she said sometime AFTER 1:30. She has other appointments before you. It depends on how her other appointments go, and could be as late as 4:30." At 1:00 Mom was pouting and glaring at the door, saying her martyr thing, "Well, of course she's late. I'm not important. I might as well just die and quit bothering everybody." That was the first time in two years the stress dripped out of my eyes and down my cheeks all the way home. Every visit I make is an errand of some kind. She fills my visits with what she wants me to do and complaining about my sweet brother & sister in-law. And everything else. The way I handle it is praying all the way there, visiting NOT on a strict schedule but about 3 times a week when I can break away from life and have the stamina, and praying all the way home. And getting "release" by writing complaint letters to my girlfriend (who says I should also write a journal) and you.
I'm not sure that I could handle it. God bless you!
It is very interesting how people do react in their lives after losing their spouse after very long marriages, as is the case with my FIL (married 54 years). In the 12 years since his wife has passed, I can't recall more than 10 times, that he has even mention his wifes name, let alone had full on conversations about her and their life together. I don't push, as I'm guessing that this is a defence mechanism so that ge doesn't get upset, but he doesn't seem upset, nor does he ever act as if he misses her. I'm not sure what to do in this circumstance. It's not like I avoid the topic of her, as she was very special to me, but yea, I don't want to upset him. My husband finds this difficult to understand as well.
The explanation is probably simpler. She knew his mannerisms after so many years and adopted some of them when he died. My mother has been doing this quite a bit lately. My father never talked. He sat in the same chair for about 20 years and looked out the window. Sometimes he would get a bungee leg exerciser and use it. The past few months my mother has been spending more time in that chair, looking out the window. She tracked down the leg exerciser and uses it, too. I don't like this at all, because my father wasted away in that chair. I don't like to be reminded of it. It was awful.
Let us know if you get any medical insight into the phenomenon.