Women and daughter caregivers - changing roles from a changing time?
I've been thinking a lot about the posts here and the frequent expectation that women, single or married, might compromise their careers to provide caregiving for elderly parents.
1. I've also been thinking how much women's roles have changed since WWII, and again in the late 70's and more so now that women have so many more opportunities. I wonder if during the Great Depression anyone would have anticipated that we might have a woman president or that women would be generals in the armed services.
We're caring for people who were raised during the Great Depression, WWII, and eras before women had the career potentials they have now. In some cases, women didn't anticipate marrying, moving away, moving abroad, or leaving their childhood areas.
I've been wondering how much these social changes have
(a) contributed, or enabled, the emotional conflict we women feel when our elders expect us to compromise our careers for caregiving;
(b) these changes could be viewed as enabling women to leverage their potential now to use new resources available to continue careers as well as caregive; and
(c) how men feel about these changes (broad question, yes).
2. On a related subject, I recall reading an interesting novel on Asian traditions which also addressed women being selected by their spouses with the intention that the wives would eventually have to care for the husband's elderly parents. How different that must be to the view we Western women have! And I'm wondering also how this will change now that Asian countries are becoming economic powerhouses and women are flocking to workplaces.
Thoughts, anyone? And for the record, I am totally in support of everyone having more career opportunities - but I don't think the social support network has caught up.
I don't think either one is bad, but they sit in judgment of each other. The "new woman" talks of how repressed the "old woman" is and how it is not fair to raise girls that way. The "old woman" says the "new woman" is of the world and not of God. Not honoring parents, obeying husbands, and having as many children as possible is not acting in accordance to God's wishes. (And don't get me started on the sanctity of marriage!)
To be a woman right now means that someone will criticize, whatever you do, in the old South. The religious right has been losing their stronghold, but it is still quite healthy. What is going to happen in the future, I don't know. I do think one of the most wonderful things about women is their capacity to care for others. I hope we don't throw that baby out with the bathwater as society evolves.
Still, I think of a time where society has solved the problem on eldercare so that women don't have to sacrifice so much to take care of others. I think it was easier to tackle childcare, because kids are cute. Eldercare facilities tend to want an arm and leg for pay.
Every one of these jobs are at the bottom end of the pay scale.
Although the women's movement bristled in the 70's when women were described as “just a housewife” the attitude behind it has persevered, only now it is held by both men and women and directed at those who are employed in such jobs. Women may have been emancipated from having to depend on a man for our livelihood and self worth, but we have not left behind the attitude that traditional women's work has little value.
So where am I going with this? Not every woman (or man for that matter) would want to give up a satisfying career to care for a parent or spouse, but unfortunately those do are often impoverished because their contribution is not seen as having any value, indeed they are often scorned by others for dropping out of the race and marginalized. Politicians pay lip service to the benefits of the army of caregivers and applaud how our dedication saves our healthcare systems (whichever country you are in) millions of dollars, but in reality little has been done to ease the financial burden of the individual caregiver. They can't add up those unpaid hours when it comes to contributions to future pension plans and future employers will continue to look askance at the blank spot in their resumes.
About 98% of the posters are women and a large amount of these women are caring for their husbands mom and/or dad. I'm sure many of these women are caregivers by choice and wouldn't have it any other way, but I think we all (a few men maybe) know that caregiving is seen as traditionally as women's work.
Men's point of view? Most could care less and are very grateful that wife, sis, granny, auntie, girlfriend are changing the adult diapers. I say most, yes there are some wonderful exceptions to the rule, I acually know a couple of men who do what needs to be done and wife keeps her job and sanity.
To be quite honest I didn't want to be left solely responsible for my elderly parents but due to the death and disentagration of most of my family I'm it. I would have loved to have had sis or auntie jump in and I would never have set foot on this web site. Trust me, I'm a very reluctant hero.
Given the deck stacked against women politically , economically and otherwise attitudes are slowing changing, at least in this country. Men are assuming more childcare and housekeeping duties and eldercare duties. But it has been slooooooooow..........
I don't think you can raise such a broad without addressing American politics. With the turn to the extreme right in the US you can forget about things getting any better for minorities, working people, students, caregivers and the elderly. Government has become a bad thing which should be destroyed. You're on your own. Stack up the bibles and guns and may the strongest survive. Any offence to tea party members wa totally intended.
Ps I hope the site guys don't delete this. This took for ever on my mini I pad!
I'll be back after I've mentally digested these as I really appreciate your insights but you've each raised some very important issues. I appreciate your responses, very much.
I did add to his discussion that since I am a woman of my generation, it will take MUCH longer to obtain the retirement level that he and Mom have, because of the wage gap I faced for all those decades. Back in my youth, I got my degree in Accounting but all employees were interested in was "how fast can you type?". I lost out on a promotion with a Fortune 500 company, it went to a male employee who didn't have any college and had been with the company only a couple of years... [sigh].
My parents still are bias when it comes to doctors who are women [Mom claims men are smarter, women should be home having babies]. Mom doesn't even like female sports casters [what do they know about sports].
At least now female students in high school don't automatically have to take "home ed" class, and the male students take "wood shop" :)
I often read statements to the effect that fewer women are available to be caregivers now because most women work outside the home and have to work. (That statement is countered by statistics showing that working women do as much caregiving (for the elderly) as nonworking women - they just spread themselves thinner to do it.) I think both statements are missing the better part of the point.
I have worked all my life, from baby-sitting and dime-store cashier jobs in my teens, then factory work to put myself through college, to a 30-year career as a legal consultant (from which I recently retired). I believe that paid labor, and especially professional work, changes our view of ourselves in profound ways. We learn that we have talents. We learn that our time and energy is worth something, a lot of something. We figure out what we like and what we don't like, and what we're good at and not good at.
Caregiving is something I would never do as a career. I don't like it and I'm not good at it. Well, maybe I am good at it, but it doesn't utilize my talents in a way that challenges me or stimulates me or nourishes me. Because of that, I don't get satisfaction from it. At heart, I don't feel I ought to be doing this at all.
Being retired, I have plenty of time, but that's really not the point. Not to me. Another consequence of working at paying jobs for 30+ years is that you expect to be able to retire. Homemakers don't retire, but employees do. You expect to have that time to enjoy the fruits of your many years of labor. Not to launch into a new (unpaid) career at something you would never have considered doing as a job.
So yes, the emotional conflict is the part of the original post that resonates with me. I am completely conflicted emotionally about giving up any of my remaining time on caregiving. It's like the old song "How you gonna keep 'em dow on the farm, after they've seen Paree??"
He laments that my brother hasn't found employment commensurate with what Dad & brother think his capabilities are (a can of poison worms). But seems quite oblivious to the damage to my career and income caused by taking time away for caregiving. I am not close to retiring, either in age or financial security, so this is a rather big deal. Also he sees my partner's lesser income as somehow making him a failure, never acknowledging that I have chosen to take this path of providing so that partner can pursue his art as a (fledgling) business.
Carla, I am right there with you re caregiving--I don't like it and I'm not good at it. I know I *can't* keep doing it if I am to remain even somewhat emotionally and mentally healthy. For all the same reasons that I decided early on not to have children.
And so we shall continue touring assisted living facilities....
I recently read one of Pearl S. Buck's novels called East Wind, West Wind, which was written in 1930 right on the cusp of major changes. The female character marries (by parental arrangement) a man who was educated in the West, and he ultimately refuses to follow any of the old traditions, and drags his reluctant wife along with him. He moves her out of his parents' house the first time the MIL speaks a sharp word to her. Eventually the wife acquiesces in her husband's wishes (even unbinding her feet for him), and it's a very interesting story about how deep cultural beliefs and time-honored practices are pushed aside in the course of one generation. If anyone's interested.
Carla, thanks for clarifying the eldest child's position on carrying for parents in the old China. I had forgotten that aspect. Buck's novels, some of which both my mother and I read, were as I recall excellent historically and culturally, and gave so much insight and perspective on Chinese culture.
I've been wondering how all the cultural changes will affect some of the more rural families, as well as the upheaval this will cause in the care of elder folks, particularly since the current regime has set its goals on much broader issues than care of parents in old age (issues such as militarization).
But at least (to the best of my knowledge), foot binding is no longer a standard practice. That's even worse than wearing high heeled shoes.
My Dad thinks all women love to shop, including grocery shopping.... I could never get through to him how much I despise shopping. He looks at me like my hair was on fire. That just can't be true, because I am a female... [sigh].
I am so glad when I see the younger generation taking more of an equal role. More men are being stay at home Dads, thus understanding what it all takes to run a household.... that gremlins don't come out at night to do all the laundry and housekeeping.
My sig other told me last month he does as much housekeeping as I do... made me wonder in what world is he living in. I asked him when the last time he washed the windows inside and out [never].... last time he washed the kitchen floor [never]... last time he dusted all the furniture [never].... last time he washed the curtains [never]... last time he weeded the flower beds [never]... last time he mowed the yard [never].... last time he swept the deck or the garage floor [never]... last time he chased down cobwebs in the house [never].... the last time he cleaned his tub/shower/floor [never].... last time he gathered all the dirty towels and washed them [never]... last time he vacuumed the basement floor/stairway [never].... sigh.
Now, our kids are grown, we're finding our energy flagging and our parents have greater needs. And we have Collision # 2- daughters who are pulled between their own families, jobs and home are now expected to do whatever and whenever to care for parents with no experience in the stress of juggling such things.
Reflecting back over 40 years, I'd have to say I don't feel that we've been "liberated". While we have more career options, we've been enslaved by expectations of those around us who harken from a previous social era. I'm heartened to see that my daughters have watched and learned. They've seen me trying to be all things to everyone. They've seen the struggle as I try to balance 2015 responsibilities with the 1950's parental expectations. Their spouses are more involved in domestic chores and more engaged as parents. My girls seek balance more - they are less chained by unnecessary traditions. They have better balance between their own families and our larger family.
Someone mentioned the decision to not have children. That's a whole other can of worms/debate, but I know it gives me pause when young people I know are popping out babies in this uncertain time. I often have to bite my tongue and not blurt out, "What the h*ll are you thinking".
And Flyer.....After the housekeeping lecture is the sig other living at the Days Inn. I feel sorry for the poor guy. Do you have my house bugged? I seem to remember having that exact same conversation not too long ago. What women don't understand about men's cleaning standards is men don't clean anything until we see ACTUAL dirt. (And sometimes not even then, but if it gets smelly, well then take action with the Clorox wipes) women clean as a matter of principal. "You know we haven't washed the celings in quite a while. I'll get the bucket and brushes." This is an actual quote. How'd yall get that way?
Not only did I take notice what Mom was doing, I was also shadowing my Dad which I prefer as he was using noisy tools making stuff :) So cool. Much more interesting!! At 5 years old I was fixing my own broken toys. Thus I had dual training.
You could be right about how the male sees dirt in the house... back when sig other was selling his home, his Realtor use to call me asking when was I flying back to visit, as other Realtors were complaining how dirty the house was. Oops.
My ex hubby use to use the "I will make such a mess out of this chore, she won't ever ask me again" ploy. I can still picture him wrestling with the vacuum cleaner when it grabbed a throw rug... at least he patched the hole in the wall. No, I never asked him to vacuum again, it wasn't until decades later that I learned about this best kept secret of getting out of chores :P
As to the housekeeping differences, I will venture out on a limb here and say that that is rubbish. Most of the women I know don't have time to think about washing the ceilings - they're too busy trying to make sure the bathroom is sanitary and the dishes are done. I don't see differences in laundry, for example - it's been worn, is dirty...wash it. Dishes are clean or they're dirty. To me, it's simple - we're all working outside jobs, we all live here and we all make messes, so it's logical that we all do the chores.
I'll believe that women are finally equal when they can take off the 4-inch heels, wash their faces, and still feel good about themselves. Barbie is still alive and well.
Oh my gosh, Tom Cruise's ex-wife, Katie, was in a TV ad for age defining makeup... earth to Wall Street advertisers, she's only 36 years old. Why are we now scaring 30 somethings into looking younger?